the99thchapter

[the99thchapter]

53

My mother's eldest brother passed away on 19 September 2024.

My dad's eldest brother passed away on 21 June 2024.

The early days of grief is the hardest for me to overcome. When my late grandmother passed, I felt extremely hollow and empty. I treated every single day without an ounce of emotion. I used to wonder how death of someone I know would impact me. It's definitely not a nice feeling.

Losing both of my late uncles in the span of months is horrendous. It terrifies me that someone who was once a semi-healthy, able-functioning individual could be gone in mere weeks or days once they collapse. It's scary to think that the moment they're affected, there's a ticking time bomb waiting to be exploded at any time. The uncertainty of whether they'll wake up again or it's goodbye forever.

No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.

I'm not that close to my dad's brother. But the last time i saw him - He smiled and spoke to me like I was just one of his lovely nieces. I remembered fondly of how he spoke he would like to be more familiar with me because I rarely got to visit my dad's side of the family. Those were the kindest words that he ever said to me and it made me feel welcomed into the family. But you know that's the thing - when he passed, I felt extremely upset with myself. I'm upset at the fact that I never got to see him again ever since that conversation. When he passed, I saw how broken my dad was. He was so sad that it broke my heart to see him trying to live each day with false pretenses of "I'm okay". I know his world came crashing down when he got the call late at night. I know how devastating it must have felt to lose the one brother whom you reconnected in your 20's and grew up with until your 50's. But my dad never spoke a word about his grief.

I was late in visiting my mother's brother. I was getting ready to head to the hospital when I received the text from my mother. I stared into the mirror, tears welling up in my eyes. I grabbed the keys, booked a cab and head straight out. When I arrived, I saw his body. Honestly? I was afraid. It didn't hit me until we visited the morgue and I teared up again. I ate lunch with my mom and aunt. I walked from the hospital to Simei despite the scorching heat..just to process my emotions. Grief is so weird. I went home, cried in the shower, slept for an hour and woke up to fetch my sister and nephew. But the days after that? I cried every night thinking about how the uncle who raised me and whom I saw every single year has left this world. The uncle who would watch my back and protect his anak sedaras is no longer here. The uncle whom I've always thought will be present on the day I get married. But he will never get to see me married. This breaks my heart. Once upon a time, my uncle was a semi-healthy, workaholic, who put his family needs above his own. To see him slowly lose himself broke my heart. My mother is trying to survive each day with the reality that the only sibling who cared about her is gone and no one is left to protect her against the others. To see my mother grief over such loss is overwhelming to me.

Grief is real and you'll never feel better. Over time you only learn how to live with it because life goes on and it won't slow down for you.

إِنَّا ِلِلَّٰهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ

[the99thchapter]

52

Two days before I turn 25.

To be honest, I'll say it - I think 2024 is one of the best years for me (I am aware the year hasn't ended yet at this point).

Why?

Because....:

[Events that has happened OR about to happen]:

I went to the eras tour & saw taylor swift!! (Sang a couple of songs, screamed and cried my heart out to folklore)

I went to an aespa concert!

I saw NCT DREAM for the second time as well!

I went to an IVE concert (probably one of my financial regrets but it was not that bad)

I finished UNIVERSITY!! At this moment I do not know what my graduating results are but I'm pretty sure I am eligible to graduate :) so cheers to Convocation 2024!!

Full-time job begins in October 2024 - I'll consider this as a happy event mainly because I have a job? This reduces my post-grad anxiety on applying for Jobs.

Earning corporate girly money...let's just say I'm content with my starting pay Alhamdulillah!

These are all i could think of on why 2024 is the best year for me so far.

To be honest, I don't think I'm that much of a difference as compared to my early twenties in terms of emotional capacity. I'm still sad at times. But these days, I try my best to keep going. There are bad days but also good days. I tell myself to strike a balance on those days.

It's no surprise that I've yet to find the love I yearned for. I still dream of it but not keen on pursuing it. I don't think I'm undeserving of love but I'm not putting down the barriers because of it. I'm afraid that if I let myself fall to deep into it, I'll start wishing for things that I can't have. I don't have to experience love to know that heartbreak will break me and I don't have capacity for it. In this life, not everyone will have a chance. And that's okay. For me, it has to be okay. I don't think I'll ever have the courage to let someone see the ugliest parts of my life - the ones I desperately try to hide. Because when someone finally sees me for who i am - how do i run away from it?

God, I'm still the same hopeless romantic as when I was 16. The difference is that I am able to separate fiction and reality at 25. But at times - a girl wants to dream right? So I let myself dream for as long as i can. Helps me to keep my sanity in check. Amidst the daydream, I think I'll be okay.

I always be.

So happy birthday, A. Let's be happy.

[the99thchapter]

51

I fought with my mother last night and I can't get over it.

I felt extremely upset about the way my mother acted towards me that I made the mistake of letting my frustration out.

I forgot that my mother does not have the emotional capacity. Actually, I knew it then. But silly little me thought if she could give it to me, I'll be okay.

I know it's my fault for expecting it. I know it's my fault for putting myself in this predicament. But god, I wish she could at least help me. I can't be mad forever. I can't be the same 16-year-old who was frustrated about her mother's lack of emotional support.

I'm 24 right now. I am trying my best to accept it. But it's hard when my inner child is crying out for help. This frustration and anger that bubbles in me can't be compartmentalize.

I cannot blame my mother for the emotional neglect. I cannot blame anyone but myself for the inability to accept and move on.

[the99thchapter]

50

I have feelings for someone. But our worlds are different.

So I'm writing this entry now in hopes that one day, I can look back at this with fond memories.

If my memory serves me right, I met him for the first time in April 2023. It was a religious event held in the month of Ramadhan. April 2023 was not a good month to me, emotionally (hint: previous entries). I was in a perturbed state of mind and I was trying to find peace. I went to an event and I saw him then.

We were surrounded by kids - it was a kids' event. He was a facilitator of some sort - helping another person to conduct the event. We learnt how to fold ketupat - and he folded one for me. What transpired this was he asked if I could fold one and I admitted miserably that I was terrible at it, which prompted the aid.

That's honestly all I could remember. I knew I felt the attraction kicking in when I witnessed him playing around with the kids before the event started. I was in awe. Now I do not particularly 'like' kids because of their rowdiness - but I enjoyed watching their interaction. I knew then that I will develop feelings for this man, however awkward it may be. According to atiqah, I was 'checking' him out. Was i?

I went back home and reflected upon it. Then a phone call with my best friend happened where I inadvertently blurted out my attraction. Yes, I want to know more about him. Yes, I did cry over the possibilities of getting rejected without trying. I have a lot of insecurities which was why I had felt that way. But a few weeks later I received a wellness call from him. I was high in delirium over hearing his crisp voice over the phone. The sound quality was miraculously good - his voice tickled my ear (virtually?). It gave me butterflies. I was smitten.

Then months passed. Those feelings died down.

But August 2023 happened.

We worked on a project together. Two projects.

We talked business on Telegram. I kept my words as formal as possible. I toned down my usual demeanor because i refused to show a tinge of excitement. The feelings gradually came back, this time stronger than before. I found out from my bestfriend that he had harbored potential feelings for me before - the same time i developed an attraction to him. Wild. I was over the moon.

The final straw occurred when our team went down to the mosque for a physical meeting. I was acting like an idiot in love. I fumbled with my marketing presentation but all I could remember was the looks he gave me. Was I delusional? Seeing things that I wanted to see?

My favourite genre is modern-day romance. strangers to friends to lovers. lovers to exes to lovers again. The point is I want one of those bookish love stories. I want a page in a romance novel.

I don't know him on a friendship basis. This is my dilemma. How do I enter the friendship territory before aiming for what I want? I want him. To look at me. Like he's so in love with me.

Because I am a girl, who harbors this silly little crush, on a guy that she's not on 'friendly-friend' terms with.

He is the one. I know it. But if I don't take a step forward..he will slip away. All that's left is the unrequited side of feelings.

2024 Update: He's married. These said feelings have long gone by now. Every time i scroll through this post, I want to throw up. But I can't delete this entry because of the sequence. So future me, don't show this to anyone. I beg of you. I beg of us.

[the99thchapter]

49

The gravest mistake of not studying enough for an exam.

It happened last thursday, 6 april 2023.

I had a breakdown in the morning. Fear and anxiety took control over me. I was simply not prepared for an exam that i was due to take in only a few hours. Regret, disappointment and sadness washed over me. I bathed, put on some new clothes and sat down on the chair. I thought it over - the plan to skip the exams and opt for a medical certificate instead. "What could the excuse be?" I pondered.

Just so happens that i've gotten my period in that morning too. Seems like a valid reason for a MC, right?

My next plan was to explain it all to my mother. You see, the guilt of skipping the exam troubled me so much that i could not just ignore it and not tell anyone else. So i did the inevitable - confessed to my mom about it. Then i cried. Harder than ever.

I was scared. I was scared of the consequences. This was the first time in my life that I'm so underprepared for an exam. This wasn't like me at all - no matter how weak I am in a subject, I am never underprepared. I would have successfully crammed the night before and entered the examination room with at least 80% of confidence. But this time? I had none. I was so, so scared of failure. And there is a reason for it...that i'm too embarrassed to admit out loud.

The exam held 30% weight. The other 30% was a group project which scored a C+, 30% for a midterm that i got an F and the remaining 10% which I may have not done well in given the fact that i have not been participating well.

So yeah. I know damn well why i was scared shitless this time. I fear not being able to clear the paper at all, even during the re-sit. I fear that my professors will not allow me to take the subsequent modules because of this. I fear that my subsequent study plans will be delayed because of my carelessness.

I'm scared. I'm afraid. I don't know how i will react to the news in the future.

All i can do is pray and ask for Allah SWT to ease my affairs. To take away this anxiety and provide me with the best solution to my problems.

To the future me, I hope you are strong enough to face through it.

[the99thchapter]

48

There is this hollow feeling inside of me. Creeping at the edges of my heart, waiting for me to do something about it.

I kept myself busy throughout January. My calendar documents all the tasks I did. Work, school, external commitment.

"I am putting myself out there. I am trying to socialize more."

I'm doing great, aren't i?

But I can feel it. This sad feeling clinging onto my heart.

How can i explain in detail what it is? I do not know.

At night, I cry over these feelings.

I am a monster. Someone who hurts and pushes people away at the expense of ones own feelings.

"I feel so unloved. It's like, no one wants me enough to stay. This loneliness creeps up to me like a shadow at night and the sad thing is - i am starting to believe it."

For years I've wondered whether there was something wrong with me.

I have so much love to give. I put my heart on my sleeve. But why does no one want me?

I hate questioning and pondering over matters that are out of my control.

I just...want to love and be loved by someone.

[the99thchapter]

47

It is 9:44pm. 31 December 2022.

In hindsight, 2022 was not that of a bad year for me. I started the year off feeling absolutely worried, anxious and afraid of many things. I had my fair share of worries on academic matters, family relations and even personal health.

But hey, I'm still alive today, at this moment. Breathing it all in and taking things one step at the time.

The highlights of my year include:

Made new friends! Not exactly the kind of friends that i can hang out with (because i've been an awkward bean!) but the ones i can drop a text to on any school related matters - without having to rely on myself.

NCT 127 NEO CITY THE LINK TOUR in Singapore! My first concert since 2018. A dream come true. Went with my bestfriend and her close friend. It was so much fun.

My sister's October/December wedding. Chaotic, emotional, magical but a blessing. Forever etched in my memory.

Southern Islands trip with my mother and sister. It was the first out-of-land trip for the 3 of us. Stressful, tiring but a memory to reminisce on.

NIKI - Nicole Tour. My second concert for the year! An impulse buy because i wanted to gift myself an event as a celebration of the end of a pretty stressful trimester. It was such a good experience.

March - Covid-19. After successfully avoiding the plague, i caught it. My entire family got it one after another. Spent a week in my parents' bedroom. It occurred a day after i did my marketing mid-terms. I failed that btw. It was one of the worst body pains (fever) i've ever had to endure. I waited outside of the Northeast Clinic for hours with a 39 deg fever and runny nose. Also happened to be the first time i did PCR. Never again. The aftereffects lasted quite long - my lungs were affected.

Ramadhan 2022. The year I remembered doing so many acts of ibadah. The year i did Terawih for the FIRST TIME in my life and for the FIRST TIME in a masjid. Masya Allah. I took a leap of faith, read up alot of guides, practiced the prayers on my own and went to Masjid to do. I understood it all - how one misses it so badly when you start to do Terawih consistently. I miss it so much. I can't wait to do it all over again next year. Insya Allah.

i may have moments of despair, sadness and utter failure. So what? I will always pick myself up after every hardship and move on with life. I get happy over the smallest of things and upset at how life had been treating me. But it's okay. I will be okay.

Next year, I will be entering my third and final year of university. I will also be embarking on my 8-month long work attachment. I do not know where i will be applying. But i pray for a good environment. I want to do something that i love - even if it is momentarily.

I know I have so much financial issues to deal with in the following year. So i'm hoping to get a part-time job to ease my parent's difficulty. I know it is hard to pay our housing loan and groceries. So i'm getting a job to alleviate the burden.

Lastly, I 've thought it about it from time to time. I want to start something new. Something that challenges me. I'm really tired of limiting myself to my comfort zone. What ever that is, I'm hoping future-me does NOT stop doing it. It will get uncomfortable, scary and even risky, but that's the good thing about trying while you're in your 20s. You can fail but you can also try again. Don't be scared. You are only young once.

To the future me reading this in December 2023, do not give up.

Happy New Year, A. Let's treat our heart with kindness. Laugh a little more and cry a little less.

[the99thchapter]

46

It is Aug 23 2022, 00:10am. Happy 23rd Birthday!

It is crazy that i am reaching my mid-twenties soon. It was just 10 years ago when I entered secondary school. I remembered it all too well - the anxiety, frustration, first experience jitters of secondary school. My expectations, goals and how i'd survived the new environment. It was all just a fleeting moment - in a blink i'm already 23.

Which brings me to a point - that whatever emotions i felt back then did not matter. If i thought i was going to crumble - I absolutely did. But i moved on and survived. Survival was a huge part of my life.

In 10 years, my secondary school memories will be counted as two decades ago. My late teens to early twenties will be a few years and all just a moment in time.

There are several things that i wished i had achieved at this age:

Getting a boyfriend - which did not work out at all. Not even a slight progress, which is expected.

Voluminous hair - which bummed me so much but i've come to terms with it.

Ideal weight - I never thought of an ideal weight before but maybe i should have maintained it better. My prime was definitely weighing 50kg at 17 but being 55 at 23 isn't the end of the world.

Job - Self-realisation is when you've realised you were much hardworking at a younger age than your current one. All i want to do now is sleep in and forget all the pressing matters in life. Insurance? I'll delay it as long as i could...or so.

That is the thing. I had expected a better version of myself at this age but it's not all rainbows and sunshine. I've been through alot of reflections and self-analyses. Do i love myself? NO, but i'm getting there. I'm picking up hobbies again and taking time to appreciate personal blocks. I no longer go on meaningless hang-outs spanning more than 4hours because my body can't tolerate it anymore. My spine hurts if i'm out for such long periods of time it's insane. Everything about my body aches if i'm out too long - i've grown into an ISFJ Hermit.

I have a lot more of adult worries now.

I spend more time than ever with my family eversince covid struck when i was 21.

I've always been shy, quiet and lazy. I'm still the same.

But i'm learning to pause and take deep breaths. I want to live life with ease.

My music taste has expanded beyond taylor swift and TXT.

I discover serenity throught cooking. No matter how much i complain.

No more forcing friendships on myself. If it works then it works. If it doesnt, I let go.

I let sadness overtake me whenever and wherever. I still surpress feelings but allow them to overwhelm me at night. Night time is when i feel alive because no one can see me.

I indulged in spritual activities more than ever. I'm starting over.

So you see. Life at 23 isn't bad. It's not perfect either. But i'm always trying to live a good life. That is why this current birthday post is not focused on the negativity.

I am okay. I am well-loved by Allah SWT and my family. I am not alone even when i think i am. I will learn to spread kindness in any form because life gets more bearable when you do that. To future me reading this, you will always be a better version of yourself. Don't chase after what the world has to offer, just live in it with ease. Do good, be kind and you will be fine.

Happy birthday, A. I love you, even if no one else does. You are your own person with your own morals. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't live a peaceful life. You're not going to live a long life - so live in the moment. Give back in charity and Allah SWT will help you along the way. You are not really alone because your sisters, mom and dad are with you. Life will work out so don't give up. <3

[the99thchapter]

45

I am at that point in my life where I genuinely do not know what to do. It feels like like I have been living according to a set path, one that that has been planned out by external circumstances. But when it all ends and I'm left to pursue what ever I could - what should I do?

I finished 4 exams a few days ago. I followed a routine of staying up late and studying till I couldn't feel my bones. Do I have a high percentage of acing all of the exams? Obviously not. But I studied nevertheless because it was expected of me to do so. In all honesty I am pretty sure I'm getting bad grades this time but that is for future me to worry about. Presently, I am feeling lost.

I love structure. I need a clear detailed outline of the future. I hate spontaneity. I am not adventurous and I certainly do not do things on impulse. But you see, that is weakness. That will be my downfall. I have been so comfortable in my own little bubble that wandering beyond that freaks me out. I'm turning 23 in 10 days. It's ludicrous for me to feel this way.

[the99thchapter]

44

It is hard. to keep things to myself. bad days and good days, i keep it all to myself.

i could drop subtle hints of my day went, but i will never have the courage to talk it out loud.

i am hurting too.

i want to cry it out. i want to let it out. it eats me up during the night, leaving me breathless.

my first week of school was so sad. but who could i share it with? this too shall pass - i'd say, but who am i trying to convince?

it's not nice of how certain unknown people can make you feel terrible. they can make you feel so unworthy of attention. so underqualified.

i am a person with qualities too. i am not entirely useless. but the people in this institution are so mean. deliberately or not, i know how they look at me. is it my outfit? how i present myself? my grades? academic standing? personality?

it is not a nice feeling. i wish people will be slightly nice and approachable.

[the99thchapter]

43

I lied.

About not wanting to find love.

Scratch that.

I have been yearning for love. The intimacy portion.

I want what others my age has experienced. I want to be loved too.

I want to live out my version of modern-day romance. Bookstore dates, morning-breakfast dates, walk-in-the-park evening dates, random bumping-into-each-other dates, unexpected adventures, after office hours date. Any date in particular that sparks romance.

I want to have it too. But I lied.

Now that kind of love seems like a far-fetched dream. Unattainable at this given moment.

I went to taraweeh at the mosque and felt envious of people who walked back home with their spouses - hand in hand. Not trying to say I aspire to be someone's makmum, but to experience the bliss? One could only dream.

This is me admitting that I know my Jodoh has been destined. This is me fighting my intrusive thoughts of wanting to push away any chance at love. This is me begging my heart to open up and forget the restrictions that i had placed deep inside.

If only love was simple as words could be churned out to satisfy ones' feelings.

What i could do right now is bring my palms together and pray for a rightful spouse during Laylat Al Qadr. Every Dua made is heard with the possibility of being granted.

But I am scared. Of myself. Of men. Of letting myself fall into the delusion of love. If I get so lost in someone, will i be able to survive the heartbreak and pain that comes with it?

This is me accepting that i have every right to over think on the inevitable.

To find a spouse who loves me for who i am, who accepts my circumstances as it is, who accepts my family with open arms and caring heart.

I am afraid of never finding someone in this lifetime.

I lied.

I am lonely.

I yearn for a companion.

I yearn for a spouse who is able to spoon me to sleep.

I yearn for a spouse who guides me on the correct way of life.

I yearn to do romantic activities with a spouse that is halal.

I crave intimacy.

I crave modern-day romance. The kind that gives me butterflies everytime i look at my significant other.

But now, I am afraid that I may have just denied myself the chance at love.

[the99thchapter]

42

sitting here. listening to my mother's anger rambling on my sister. about wedding invitations. disagreements because she is not happy with the planning process. how many times have i listened to this conversation? when will she stop. can she stop this? it gets on my nerves.

lonely. caged. almost midlife crisis. trapped. in a bubble.

here's the thing - there aren't any negative external factors bothering me. it's what in my brain that is messing with me emotionally.

suddenly I woke up to being 23. seems like yesterday when i turned 12. what happened to emotionally maturity? why do I still feel dejected after a decade. this is wrong. this was not part of the adult roadmap that i had planned out in my old diary.

I was supposed to be happy. Happiness was supposed to come to me at 23.

survival. that is what i am chasing. survival, sustenance and the will to keep going.

Keep going.

[the99thchapter]

41

Trauma dumping on your children and expecting something in return is sickening.

It's utterly ridiculous. Are you trying to get empathy from me?

I grew up having to deal with the reality that none of my parents can reciprocate any emotional healing for whatever they had thrown at me. I grew up learning how to fend for my own mental-wellbeing because my parents are not capable of teaching me how. I grew up forcing myself to understand why my parents are incapable of emotional support. My entire teenage upbringing consisted of emotional self-healing and learning that it's not fair to place expectations on my parents for something they fall short of.

So when you come to me with teary eyes, pouring out your entire misery that's building up in you because I, for some reason, triggered you off, and expect me to show empathy? What am I supposed to do about it?

I was just a kid, you know. I was just a kid when you brushed it off. I was just a kid who begged to be understood. I was just a kid who had no idea how to navigate this spiral world of confusion when it came to new profound feelings. I asked you again and again.. how do I cope? You told me it was a silly phase and that it would pass. It was a stupid and irrelevant phase that it never occurred to you that it was damaging to me?

I cried in front you so many times when I was younger. When puberty hit me and felt like my world was crumbling down. You know what you did? You said so many hurtful words that it pains me to ever talk about it again. I had to depend on myself. I had to remind myself that hey it's not your fault, it was due to your upbringing that you acted that way with me.

So let me tell you this. It's NOT fair for you to do this to me. When time has passed and i've come to terms with your rational, you brought this upon me on a saturday night.

What the fuck, am i supposed to do with it?

What now, mother?

[the99thchapter]

40

University life is not for me.

I failed a midterm and got a mediocre grade for another.

I might be placed on academic probation by the end of this trimester if I fail my exams.

I'm struggling to keep myself on track and to focus on priorities. This is what home-based learning does to you - it makes you lazier and out of focus.

I'm 22 and I have no ambitions. I'm simply trying to live.

I'm lonely but I made peace with it. Kind of - I've accepted it, really. These days I'm refraining from going insane. It's being stuck in a room for a whole week that's driving me to insanity.

What keeps my mind of such thoughts is the chores I do - who knew that cooking could be therapeutic? I complained about it all the time but it's the only activity that makes me feel at peace.

Night times are the best. No distractions, no sounds but only the computer engine running.

I don't want to study accounting at all. I know i said i found my passion, but it's tough. I think about the office desk that awaits me in three years. It's a scary thought. Do i want to do this for life? Why couldn't i have tried out other pathways?

Why was my 17-year old self so stupid to pick accounting? Because of the prospects of a good salary? Easier pathway to polytechnic?

It's tiring to live without any ambition. I'm not even good at accounting.

I'll figure things out, like I always do.

[the99thchapter]

39

My grandmother passed away today, 25th July 2021 1520hrs.

I think what struck me the hardest was the underlying guilt I felt after hearing the news. I thought - why today? Why now?

I had a plan to visit her in the hospital on Monday after hearing she was transferred to the public hospital. I thought, finally i had this wide opportunity to visit her after two whole years. It was so difficult to see her....from Covid-19 restrictions to not knowing exactly what was the booking link to the health centre. Once in a while i've always asked my mom to ask my aunt for the link...but my mom never made the effort. I called the hotline for the link but i still couldn't find it. I thought nah maybe i'll try again next time.

Who knew...there was no next time. How could i face myself, knowing i did not get to visit my sick grandmother once before she left? How can i live with this guilt of knowing i have sinned so much for not seeing my grandmother? Despite the bad and unpleasant memories i had growing up, how could i not at least visit her at all?

I last saw my grandmother during my sister's engagement. How could a memory so precious but at the same time became the last memory i had with my grandmother?

I never got to ask for forgiveness. I grew up disliking her from the beginning, for making my mother go through so much. I hauled and spit distasteful words at her because i was a kid with a bad attitude.

But you know what's worst? When my mom burst into the room to break the news, I had absolutely zero emotion in my heart. God, i am the worst human being. I was supposed to start tearing up and feel heartbreak, but i couldn't feel anything at all. I thought - "Maybe we're not that close to feel emotional," but how am i like that? Someone died, not just anyone, my blood grandmother passed - and i'm being like this? I am full of shit. Is it because my iman is weak? I am so embarrassed for not feeling sad - how is this possible? I only managed to tear up a few hours later when i showered and thought about how she passed on my dad's birthday. I thought about how from now on my mother will be reminded of the death anniversary on my dad's birthday every year.

But you want to know what is more pathetic? That I can't see my grandmother, that i can't see her during the send-off and the funeral burial. My mother is disappointed that i won't see her but how could i tell her straight up that i can't go because i prefer to take care of my sister at home? From what my eldest sister told me regarding the incident where my mother acted hysterically, how can i bring my sister there where it could potentially trigger her as well? I want to see my grandmother so bad, for the last time before she's buried. But i can't for the sake of my family's reputation, for the protection of my sister's and mother's faces. What is there to guarantee that if my mother flips out again it might cause my sister to act the same way? I cannot let myself, my eldest sister and father to triple-handedly calm two individuals who are interrupting the funeral...i cannot do that.

So this is it - this is what has been troubling me ever since. I'll visit you another day when time and situation allows it. All i can do is pray for you. I'll think about you from time to time.

إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ‎

[the99thchapter]

38

it’s me, again.

February 2021 - a month closer to graduation.

Things that have happened this past month:

- i am still procrastinating on that university essay when dateline is approaching.

- i received a 5-months full time offer from my internship company; 

- i got a call from one of the jobs that i applied for a few days after

- i just started on my report due in two weeks

I just had an epiphany of how my writing skills have seem to deteriorate greatly. I was in the midst of churning out sentences for my report when realisation dawned upon me. My grammars aren’t making sense and i’m googling synonyms for words that i felt were overused in my report. Shoud i hit the fictional books again? Refresh my mind of the plethora verbs i could think of my head? Send help and ideas.

Back to the purpose of writing this, i would like to talk about how i am stuck in a rut of familiarity and comfort and my need to explore different options. The job offer that i’ve gotten has its cons weigh tremendously over the pros. 

Pros:

a) Gain experience offhand the senior’s guidance

b) Familiarity with the colleagues and working environment

c) The prospect of a new contract with higher salary after five months is up

Cons:

a) Lowball salary offer, not even on par with a fresh graduate’s minimum wage?

b) Not able to apply for a PT degree since requirement was ‘full-time job’ 

c) Underpaid for working tirelessly 

d) No time to study for the SATs if work requires me to re-learn accounting/taxation concepts during my free time

The most hilarious thing i did was to take up the offer despite its unreasonable salary. I was going to grit my teeth and work for the experience. My next plan of action is to accumulate as much information as i could and use it to my advantage for when i apply for jobs later on. I will also use the work experience when applying for the part-time degree programme (i am holding onto the hope of getting accepted) and work my way through it. While the salary i am earning is disadvantageous, i believe a better opportunity will come after this job ends.

So to the future me who’s reading this, work hard AND work diligently. Better things are coming. Have strength.

[the99thchapter]

37

it happened. my grade point average dipped. except i’m 0.1 away from a 3. is that at least a good thing? i know there’s still a chance for me to get to the interview stage for SUSS and SIT since it’s really damn close to 3.0. 

anyway, i’ve stopped crying. i knew it’d happened. but it still hurts to see your efforts not paying off you know? the worst part is i have to pretend i’m fine tomorrow when all i want to do is lay in bed and sleep my woes away. you cannot get everything you want in life - that’s fair, but this keeps occurring all the time. I know i put in the effort, i worked really hard this semester but it looked like it wasn’t enough and what more should i do? 

I know my life isn’t the end right now, there are other pathways for me to embark on. One mistake does not determine your life but concurrently it does. I’m really sad right now and i don’t know what to do.