thealcoholicswifelife-blog

[thealcoholicswifelife-blog]

Jacksonville

D was away on a business trip. He called me to say “goodnight” D has a bad habit of not completing a face to face conversation before placing a call and likewise, not completing a telephone conversation b before beginning a face to face conversation. On this occasion he did the former. Simultaneously while I was saying “hello” from our home in New York, D was saying “I’ll be ready to go in five minutes.” I asked him where he was going. His response was that he was not going anywhere; he was staying in his hotel room and going to bed. I told him I heard him say “I’ll be ready to go in five minutes” and he said “no you didn’t” I said “yes I did” he said “no you didn't” I said “yes I did” he said “no you didn't” I said “yes I did” he said “no you didn't” and it went around in circles until I made it stop

I told him that obviously he was not going to admit that he was going out so we will both just know it is happening and let that be the end. 

I thought it was the end. I though it was another night like any other that a man away on business would go out with clients or whatnot. 

Nope

When he got home from his trip he was weird. I have never been hugged so much or told I was love so much in my life. He started squeezing me really tight every time he left for work and then calling me 3 or 4 times a day just to tell me he loved me. 

I am a smart woman...I knew something had happened. The worst scenarios entered my mind. He had driven drunk and killed someone...he had inappropriately touched a child or another man. I had no idea what to think. 

When he finally told me it turned out to be that he blacked out in a strip club and had absolutely no idea what happened or how he got back to the hotel. 

He was so upset and I can honestly say I was relieved that he had not done something (that he remembers) that could lead him to jail. 

After a few weeks of waiting for test results (to make sure he was still HIV negative and Gonorrhea free) the episode was pretty much forgotten. he seemed grateful that I had forgiven him without much fuss and I was hoping that this was the last of such episodes. 

Sadly I was mistaken. 

[thealcoholicswifelife-blog]

Pilates Class

That day was another story for another post. That night was a game changer. We were supposed to be in New Hamopshire so I changed my morning class to an evening class. because he had spent the last three days completely drunk and incoherent I asked my mother to come and stay with us so I planning to load the kids into the car right and go to the city and get her...but before that I had my class.it was packed. there were six women downstairs waiting for me to start., It was 5:58 or so. We had not been home all day. after the morning debacle I was so mad at D that I Tok the kids to the mall and shopped with them with reckless abandon. I didn't do as much damage as anyone else who was in my position, but for me we shopped a lot. I didn't know what I was expecting to find when I got him but he was just slightly drunk when we walked in the door. I only had a few minutes to get ready for my class but he looked ok so I continued to putter around...making infused water and getting the stereo ready. People started to show up and Doug and the kids were on the couch watching tv. Doug was laying down.

I came to say my final shhh to everyone and to tell them I was going down to teach my class and Sam said “somethings wring with daddy can i come down with you to your class” Sam never wanted to come to my class before.i looked at d and he stood up and then fell quickly backwards onto the couch. 

I knew I had to cancel the class. a difficult task considering the women were already downstairs positioned on their mats. 

I went down and told them that I had a family emergency and they would have to leave.,..quickly. I could hear Doug incoherently blathering about something. when we got back upstairs he was standing up again. he took two steps towards me and my pilates customers, fell onto the floor, turned on his side and urinated on himself. The ladies had to step over him to leave. 

I told the kids they had to quickly move and get to the car but of course carly had to be dramatic and cry that she wanted to stay with her daddy. That was not going to happen. I would have been the most irresponsible parent if I let my 11 year old daughter stay in a house with her father who was passed out on the floor. but then he got up and stumbled to the door. “Calm down Beth” he said “what is wring with you Beth” as he held onto the wall so as not to fall.

I physically pried Carly out of the house while she screamed and cried. The front door was wide open and I could see D back laying down on the floor by the door. 

When we got back from the city the door was closed and Doug was on the couch sleeping. 

[thealcoholicswifelife-blog]

Having your husband cheat on you with a 180 pound former stripper that he gives money to is the worst feeling in the world. No...wait...having your husband promise you it is over and then find out that he has continued to see her and give her money is the worst feeling in the world. The was I describe the feeling is like a Lonely Unick.  I consider myself a relatively attractive person but no...I am not a stripper. I am not a “dirty girl” I am the girl you take to your boss too impress the hell out of him. I am the girl that serves as eye candy at the high school reunion. I am the girl that you take to events so that I can walk around talking to people and making you seem smart for being with me. I am not a stripper. I can not compete. Im not sure iff I would feel better if she was a good person...a normal person that he was just having an affair with. She is still breastfeeding her second child from as many baby daddy sleeping with my husband...taking money from him to boot. I can not compete with that kind of immorality. 

[thealcoholicswifelife-blog]

The Day D Got Sent Home from work

He left for work drunk. I could tell he was so drunk he would not remember me saying goodbye. By that time I had already asked my mother to stay with us. I was afraid to be alone with him. I had seen him go to work drunk many times. There were times that he smelled of fresh alcohol and it was in-ignorable . I would tell him he shouldn’t go to work smelling like that and he would yell at me that I was always putting him down or tell me I was imagining it. That Tuesday I was not imagining it. He had that glazed look on his face and his gate was that of man attempting to not fall- I knew this demeanor quite well by then...unfortunately. Off he went to work and my mother and I looked at each other...but then said nothing. I got ready for school and went and taught my class. At lunchtime I tried to call D but he didn’t answer his phone at work. Then I tried to call his cell phone but he was not responding there either. I got scared. I called his boss. I left a message in a cheerful voice saying I was looking for d and if he saw him he should tell him to call me. I got a text from his boss about an hour later saying “he’s on his way home” About ten minutes later d called me yelling. He said he knew it was me that told his boss he was drunk and he was going to embarrass me like I embarrassed him ...as if flaunting his extramarital relationship in front of my whole town was not embarrassment enough. I found out later that the police had been called at his job. That he was sent to the hotel across the street to dry out and was nearly arrested. That night I went to the diner for dinner with my parents. He joined us. I asked him how work was and he told me it was fine. Nothing interesting had happened

[thealcoholicswifelife-blog]

Chicago

He didn't want to be there. D made it known for the whole vacation that he was not enjoying himself. Every place we went and everything we did was accompanied by a fight. He would act board and distracted and I would respond with frustration. the children were upset. There were many culminations those four days. the first one was on the way back to the hotel from the baseball game. D was a little drunk as always and dean was sad that he wouldn't let us watch the whole game. I understood deans frustration because I hated missing the ends of concerts and plays. D started yelling at us that we were all ungrateful and everyone started crying.

The morning of the flight home we were supposed to leave the hotel by 9:30. I woke up and went swimming and then I packed everyone up as much as I could before I woke them up. Finally I woke them up...around 9 and Doug woke up and checked his emails. Apparently the airline had changed our flight and reroughted is from a direct flight to three connecting flights. Since we had some time I told d that I was taking the kids to breakfast. He said he was going to stay up in the room and pack himself up. About 20 minutes later we were sitting in the dining room. We had gone through the buffet line and sat down when we saw d. He was wobbling. I went up to him and his eyes were glazed over and he was holding onto the wall. My initial thought was that he was having a stroke. I called my mom and she told me to call the ambulance. I led him up to the hotel room pretending nothing was wrong but he kept on saying over and over “what is the matter with you Beth? When we went up to the hotel room i saw the two empty bottles of scotch in the trash. He had polished off two large bottles in 15 minutes. I had never seen him like that before. He couldn’t walk and was having trouble standing...yet he was insisting he was not drunk. I was scared. We were in a strange city with airplane tickets and a 250 pound belligerent drunk man. I told the kids that my plan was to pretend everything was normal so daddy wouldn't fly off the handle. He did not try to engage me in conversation. He just kept saying over and over “whats wrong with you Beth” and “Calm Down Beth” but I was calm...at least on the outside. 

I don't remember if I packed him up or if he did it, but I remember running around the room randomly throwing the rest of the stuff...the loose ends you always pa ck last...into a duffle bag that was half filled with shoes.  Then I grabbed the keys and told them to wait in the room and that I was going to the parking garage across the street to grab the car. 

That is when he became angry, Hde grabbed the keys from me and started yelling that he would get the car. He could barely stand...I am not sure what made him think he could successfully locate a parked car and dribve around the block back to the hotel. I said no- I would do it. he wouldn't stop yelling so I said “Lets all go” 

On the way down the elevator he was saying taunting things to me “You think you are so smart beth” “You think you are in charge beth” 

When we got to the lobby I saw that it was raining. I didn't want my family having to walk a block in the rain with this monster so I told them to wait in the lobby. Doug flipped out. He was not happy about me not letting him driving and having to stay with the kids at the hotel like “a bitch” 

The manager of the hotel came over and said something to him. I think he was asking if there was a problem. Doug started yelling that there was no problem and that “my wife just thinks she is so fucking smart that I have to do what she says” 

The manager turned to me and asked if I was ok. I told him I was and that we were about to leave,  Said “I think that is a good idea:” 

On the plane Doug sobered up. he didn't remember anything about the hotel after that, 

[thealcoholicswifelife-blog]

Our Trip to New Hampshire

It was “Friendsgiving”. My family is weird, they don't invite us to holidays but they consider us closer than family...we are friends...so we get invited to “Friendsgiving” I am just happy that we get invited anywhere, 

We were all set to go up on the 5 hour drive from Long Island to New hampshire. I had gotten 5 movies from the library to play in the mini van on the way up. The car was packed and the kids were fed, dressed, and drained of urine. D. was walking around the house muttering under his breath about how much he didn't wasn't to go “This is bullshit” he kept saying. 

We all went in the mini van and D. said, as he usually does, “I’ll be right out” usually that means he is going to smoke some pot before the ride. 

He came out about five minutes later smelling strongly of alcohol. He denied it. My kids were eager to go since they had been waiting in the car for five whole minutes so they were yelling at me, all three, at the top of their lungs, to “Shut the Fuck up and let him drive:” Nobody was telling them to stop cursing me because D. seemed very validated that the kids were standing by his side. I let it go. Four agains One.

It was a mistake because as soon as he started driving it was apparent to me how drunk he was. He was all over the road and at every red light he would linger scowling at me and I had to point out when the light turned green.

I asked him to stop at the local health food store so I could get something to eat. When I got out I called my mother and went up and down the isles very slowly. I asked he what I should do. She told me to call the police. I didn't want to do that because it is a neighborhood store and I frequently shopped there. She told me that whatever I decided, I could not let him drive me and the kids another inch. 

I went outside and stood my ground. I asked him to step out of the car to talk for a moment, claiming that I didn't want the kids to hear. then i told him I would not get in the car with him again unless I was driving. I would not let my kids ride with him either. he was mad but he got back in the car. The kids asked why I was driving (he never let me drive) and he told them that I was a bitch and I needed to control everything because I am so perfect. 

I asked him if he would rather call the police and let the police decide who should drive and one of my kids, S, said that was a good idea. But the other two started crying and we started off. 

I was driving and D. was sitting in the passenger seat yelling at me and calling me a whore and a bitch and telling me we should just go home, that he didn't want to go to New Hampshire anyway. 

The kids started crying and screaming at each other. 

S hit Baby D. D started crying so I pulled the car over and Took Ss phone and threw it out the window. 

We drove away and everyone continued to yell and cry. At several points D. grabbed the wheel and at a red light he hoped out of the car. I tried to drive away but it was a red light,..we were stuck. It was at that light that C started screaming about her nose. I turned around and saw the blood gushing out of her face. D. had gotten back in the car and I told him “I guess you are getting your wish...we are not going to New Hampshire we are going to the hospital” 

I guess D. did not expect Child services to enter the picture at that point, but the four of us sang like canaries about what had happened with D. About his driving drunk and yelling expletives at me. it opened an investigation about him. It was scary and they still come to the house every once in a while to see if we are ok and if D. is still drinking.

[thealcoholicswifelife-blog]

Falling off the Wagon

He had a drink last week. He had a small bottle of scotch and then admitted that there were five more...unopened in his trunk. We dumped them out. It didn't make me feel better dumping them out. I know that it is easy to replace them. Right now I am just waiting for him to drink again. I know it is going to happen. Moving through life quickly so that I never get caught off guard in the middle of something important - kind of like a grownup version of musical chairs where you know the music is going to stop so you just want to be in front of a chair so you don't land on your ass. 

[thealcoholicswifelife-blog]

He Doesn’t Like Me

In addition to all the stresses in D.’s life, his work, his health, his memories of his mother, he is married to someone he genuinely does not like. He has no reason not to like me, but as I admit freely, I am not everyone’s cup of tea. he knows he should like me. He knows that from the outside I am what he wants...the perfect counterpart. But for some reason there has always been some part of me that he resents. For a long time I though he was secretly gay though he insists it is not true. 

This hatred comes out when he drinks. True he is not physically abusive but he reminds me, often loudly and in public, that he hates pretty much everything about me. One time he yelled at me that I had no friends and nobody liked me at the pee-wee football game my daughter was cheering at. The game took place on a Sunday morning and he doesn't remember it. 

I always said he needed someone dumb, a dumb cheerleader that would be so grateful to have him that they would look the other way at all his faults. I was never able to do that. In the end that is what he found. he is not with her anymore...or so he says. But that is exactly what she was. She was happy to have him. She had never been with someone as smart and successful as him. I know this because I know her two baby-daddies. It must have felt good for her to have someone like D. interested in her and so interested in her that he gave her money frequently and promised her a future together. She is not a good person. Someone still nursing their child who drinks several night a week to the point of not being able to remember driving home (with their children in the car) who smokes pot every day and takes money from someone else’s husband is not a good person. I can’t compete with that level of morality. If he needs someone like that to elevate him and make him feel like he is successful than I can’t compete. I’ll never not have a master’s degree, I’ll never not work hard to be a good mother, I will never put my family in jeopardy with my reckless actions, I will never use someone who is going through hard times for financial gain. Perhaps if he is looking for someone to compare himself too to make him feel better about himself he should go back to her. 

[thealcoholicswifelife-blog]

My 14 Year Old Husband

Living with an alcoholic is kind of like living with a deranged 14 year old girl. They think they are fooling everyone. They are struggling internally but they are striving so hard to hide the struggle that any mention of it shatters their frail egos. 

D started shaking about two years ago. It was impossible to ignore. He would deny it and hold out his hand...which would shake ...and say “see, I'm not shaking. You are always trying to put me down” 

I got worried because he is a lawyer and he has meetings with high level executives. The shaking was in ignorable so I knew that they would either think he was an alcoholic or he had advanced stages of Parkinson's disease. 

The problem was that every time I would mention it he would get defensive and we would get into an argument about how I don't support him enough. 

I found out that the girl he finally landed in that state felt bad for him because he shook. She said she would watch him try to put gas in his car but his hand would be shaking so much that he wouldn't be able to get the nozzle into the tank. She never mentioned it to him because she didn't want him to feel bad about it... very profitable tactic on her part. 

I’ve never had a relationship with someone who felt bad for me. I also never had a relationship where I regularly gave them money. I hate him for cheating on me but I feel bad for that 14 year old girl who so desperately craved validation about their behavior that there was no way anyone who counted on him (family coworkers partners) would ever be willing to provide. 

[thealcoholicswifelife-blog]

The Night I Got Bitchy With his Cousin

I had taken the mattress from the top bunk of “the boy’s” room and dragged it onto the floor of the twin’s bedroom so that all four of us could sleep in the same room. As terrifying as it was dealing with a constantly drunk man during the day, nighttime was even more terrifying. He would wander around the house...stumbling up every half hour to look into the room where we were “sleeping” and then noisily go back down the steps and into the garage to drink more. often he would fall down the steps and we would hear him tumble. 

On about the third consecutive of such a night I was texting his cousin telling her what was going on.  we were pretty close with her. she lived with us a few times and every easter we would go to her mother’s nursing home with a homemade meal in tote spend the day. we also “lent” her 10,000 when she was going bankrupt about a decade ago...which she not only did not repay...she actually went bankrupt anyway a few months later. 

I was telling her what was going on and she, at one point said “my heart hurts”. Hovered in that little room on a mattress on the floor with all my children sleeping, scared of the next time D would be wandering back upstairs I became really mad at her. How dare after all we did for her and all the times we were there for her that she turn her back and do absolutely nothing and then say “her heart hurts”. Her heart hurting while my family was going through torture,,,and she lived 40 minutes away was a kick in the face. I wished my heart just hurt, that would be great to not live in fear every moment that this crazy drunk monster was going to do something terrible to me and my family. But the reality was that his family did not step in at all when I told them what was going on. 

I texted her that night she should be ashamed of herself only coming around when she needed something and when we really needed her help she was nowhere to be found. The holidays coming up...the first one without his mother and she did not check go see what we were doing., she did not reach out to him in his time of need nor me in mine, She always said she would be there for me if I needed her and she was nowhere to be found. When I would ask her to come over she would have a reason why she couldn't. She worked late last night there was a party for her friend in the city...lots of reasons she could not help me with her drunk cousin. 

I still have not heard from any of his relatives  but I do see that they text D regularly to say “how are you” to which he replies the exact same thing as when he was on his binge “fine”. 

[thealcoholicswifelife-blog]

This Weekend I stabbed Myself

He told me he had epiphany about why he drank so much and why he cheated on me with one of our friends, It doesn't matter what the epiphany was...as far as epiphanies go it was pretty vague. But after he told me he felt bad for hurting me...and bad for hurting Fallon because she was “a good friend” . The statement enraged me and hurt my soul. He tried over and over to backtrack by saying things like “all I meant was that it hurt a lot of people including her and she was a close friend” thinking that those were the right words I wanted to hear. They were not but we kept it up, and for 4 hours he reiterated that sentiment making me sadder and sadder and getting frustrating that I was not finding comfort in his asinine proclamation. 

 When I woke up Sunday I wanted to kill myself. I couldn't bear living in a world where someone comes in and destroys my husband from the inside out, takes money from him and then leaves HIM feeling bad that he hurt HER.  as many times as I tried to explain to D. that she is not a morally sound person, that a morally sound person does not do things like that, he could not give up on the notion that she was the saint who was trying to ease the pain of the hell that was the rest of his life.

Before I went running I wrote him a short letter. he woke up while I was still writing it. I told him I was feeling down and had very bad thought of ending my life. I had the pen in my hand. he once again explained that she got hurt and he felt bad...and that she was a good friend to him. I Started crying and I took the pen and plunged it into my leg 5 times - each one getting harder and harder and each one drawing blood. The I put on a sweatshirt and ran out the door for my run. I was crying hard. I stopped at his car and ripped his windshield wipers clear off the car, breaking them low to the glass. I wanted to get my rage out on one of his possessions. Then I went running

It was cold. I was inappropriately attired for the weather. My fingers started to get numb quickly and my toes started to ache from the cold. I didn't care. I hoped that I would die. I passed by the creek that was frozen over and thought about running right over it and falling through and freezing to death. 

Then I changed my mind and went home and emailed my divorce lawyer. it was time, 

When D. found out he cried. He cried and didn't stop and promised he would change and try so hard. He would never drink again and he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me, 

I emailed my divorce lawyer and told her to disregard my last message. I almost had freedom.It was almost in my hand. 

The next day D. drank again.

 #Alcoholism #Relationships #Cheater #selfharm #suicide

[thealcoholicswifelife-blog]

The Bar

I met him at the bar. he was my bartender and I was a college student moonlighting as a waitress in New York City. it was 1995 and our bar was a bridge and tunnel bar, catering to people from New Jersey and Long Island. There clientele was fun, if not irresponsible and rowdy. People would dance on the bar and make out in corners. I was shy. Luckily I was hard working and cute so I could easily make a buck and feel like I was being social because I was at the bar and I was having small snippets of conversations with people, but when I felt awkward I could run off claiming I had tables. 

D. was a bartender who worked a different shift than me.I worked Saturdays and he worked Fridays, I covered a Friday and we struck up a conversation. He was a lawyer...I was impressed. After finding out I was a college student he said “straight A’s right?” jokingly but when I said yes I knew he was hooked. He started coming in on Saturdays and hanging out. I caught him watching me but pretended I didn't notice. 

We began dating, secretly for several months,. When the owner of the bar found out he was impressed with me. He told me D. had never dated anyone from the bar and rarely even had casual sex with anyone. D. was a stand up guy! 

I noticed something was wrong with our relationship on the very first date, in retrospect it was not wrong with the relationship...it was something wrong with him. 

He invited me to go to the movies at Bryant Park. On Mondays in the summer they show outdoor movies there and everyone goes on blankets with picnic baskets. It is so romantic. I was so excited. I went and got a new outfit, which I never did being a poor college student and got some cookies from a gourmet store. When I got to his apartment he said “if you want to stay here and watch a movie we can” and then... feeling awkward...I said ok. We stayed in his apartment that night and ordered takeout food and watched tv.