theancientpandah

[theancientpandah]

It All Starts Somewhere

Well, so let's start with my childhood. It was a normal one, nothing special but the fact I was an only child, maybe it's only me, but I've never felt much lonely, despite the fact that I was, but it was not a big problem. Since I was a kid, making friends was very hard, I was a fat kid, a nerd, and all the things that will certainly get you bullied, in my case only a few nicknames, nothing aggressive like physical violence or anything likewise.

I always like to read and for that, I need to thank my father, he was the one to show me the world hidden in those pages. It was a good life, nothing really really bad, some crushes that never went on.

All of my problems would have started like a roundhouse kick at my nose from nowhere when I was about to turn 14;

[theancientpandah]

Midnight feelings....

[theancientpandah]

First step into the cure

Well, back with the writing, as I say in the title, just how I found on this page a way of getting some things out of myself, things that only appear to other people as nonsense or bullshit. I was born in 94' and I didn't have bad times growing up. My family never went through rough times and I always got everything a person needs. by saying that, when I was 14 everything was going well and my dad decides to f**k things up a little bit, for now, I'm just going to say that he went to buy milk and never came back (I wish it was only that).

At that time it was just me, and my mom. I started to work as an intern to help with the bills, everything just happen in the middle of June, so I needed to change school, lost some friends, and might not seem a big of a deal, but when you're a teenager you always feel like the world just tumbled down on you and nothing's ever going to be fine again.

I've finished the intern contract, high school too, and went to college, started working in a lot of places, known some people, had some heartbreaks, the most difficult one at 19. After that, y'all might think that was all good and happy, but I never spoke about my dad with anyone, not even with my mom, she was all the time telling me that I needed to be strong, right? and all these phrases that if you're a boy you have to listen: "be a man, don't think about this", "you need to be strong", "you're the man of the house now", "men don't cry", "you're not a baby, aren't you?". Those things got stuck in my head and tried to hide them, just went through everything and never think that was going to be a problem.

At the age of twenty, I started to have some anxiety crisis, some crying before sleep, just thinking of how I was suffering from all that I never got a chance to talk things over.

But I tried, ask my mom to have a little chat, and told her that I was feeling really bad, I was crying a lot, sleeping just 3 hours every night, feeling things that I'd never felt before, like difficulty breathing, gaining weight like a bear, and getting a little depressed, and what I got as a response: You don't have anything to complain, you never lacked food, never went through rough times, you never were unemployed, you always had a home, never needed anything, so you have no reason to feel that way, head's up, forget this and continue working, work is going to take away these thoughts, that's what a man needs to do.

I was devastated, feeling bad for my mom you know, she went through all that stuff and I was complaining, asking her to make an effort to understand me. What kind of son am I? right?

I'm going to detail some situations about my life in the next posts, this text was just an intro, an overview of my life. This is also an exercise from the therapy, one of the good things that you do when you seek help. If you're feeling lonely, or maybe thinking about ending everything, please ask for help, I'm getting better, step by step, it's not easy but you start to look inside and maybe change your thoughts.

Sorry about the long text, and my broken English.

[theancientpandah]

The Purpose

Well, first of all, I apologize about my english, 'cause it's my second language. So, this is just something to help me understand who I am, what I like, who is my true self. I always lived to please people, alwlays did things to make people feel confortable around me, for them to feel happy. but in the end, I was just doing nothing that I really wanted, or liking to do.

It's kind of funny hoe things work in life, only when I reached 26y, I tried searching for help, and all of that showed up to my face, like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS NOT YOU!!""" So, maybe now it's time to not overthink about what other people are going to think of me, and reach inside to discover what I am!

Maybe this posts aren't reachin' anyone, but if just onde person finds out about this profile, it will be good, maybe it will help (or not).

I can't go back now.