theanonymousintrospector

[theanonymousintrospector]

Why am I not worth loving. When I was younger and skinnier, men did not choose to love me. I was not enough. I'm older. I'm not as pretty. I'm not skinny. Why would a man love me now?

[theanonymousintrospector]

Let them? Or believe them?

I'm sure by now everyone has heard of the empowering "Let them....." posts and merch that's been circulating social media. I grabbed onto it at first wanting something to make me feel stronger than I currently am. Because my struggle is I believe them.

Sometimes I feel like I believe them more than I can convince myself. So who am I.

I can tell you who i feel like I am. Then I can tell you why I believe the version of who I am based on everyone else's opinion.

I feel like I am someone with good intentions. I am imperfect. I make mistakes. But most importantly I walk around with a heavy load of pain and sadness. People always seem to really like me at first. But when it because clear there more going on emotionally, they seem to steer clear of me. People avoid negative emotions.

That's not to say people haven't tried. To genuinely be close to me that is. But, I think I've i feel safe with someone, I have so much I'm trying to unload, I think I end up trauma dumping. I'm sure it can be exhausting. Do I lose those connections as well.

I'm almost 40. I just started consistant counseling 5 years ago, of which I learned, what I've been diagnosed as anxiety and depression, was a secondary symptom caused by actually having PTSD from relational trauma.

Because of how deep I have been hurt by people close to me, it makes it hard to make myself vulnerable again to where I might fall for Somone else's manipulation again. This has affected all relationships in my life. Relationships at work, my parents, my romantic relationships, my unlawful and my kids.

Even though I know I'm not the only person in this world that struggles in this way, i so find it hard not to feel alone.

I see my husband and how his family would go to bat for him, even if he was in the wrong. Then I see my family, which I've needed in several scenarios, but not one person came to bat for me when I needed them to. Even if I wasn't wrong.

So when the common demoninator between you and those who all reject you. It's hard not to believe them.

I could feel like a single mom before I got married who always put my kids first in everything I tried to do. I fought to be the best mom for my kids.

But they may see me as over protective, overbearing. Sometimes controlling and sometimes drinks too much and chooses relationships with men over them.

If only they truly knew how hard it was to be able to provide them the quality of life, as I had growing up if not better depended on atwo income household, because I was not making enough to sustain us. That and as a single mom, sometimes we just need someone to hold us and tell us that everything is going to be ok.

As co-parent I could view myself as fair putting my children first. But also wanting the time to build good memories in them. I felt like I was more than willing to support the relationships my children have with their fathers and let them decide what relationship they want to have with them.

I never expected to be a single mom of two kids with two different fathers. Mind you, I've never been married before recently, never cheated on anyone (but have been cheated on).

One child's father is non existent. My relationship with that child, although strained during the teen years, seems to be important to that child to maintain with me. And we currently are closer than we ever have been. And working on us every day.

The other child and I currently have a strained relationship. It's hard not to feel like that cold father didn't have any influence on our child's opinion of me. I know I've made my own mistakes. But I also know how that child's father views me. As they've openly expressed that to me, I can't imagine they would hold that back from our child.

That child's father, thinks I'm white trash. People only get with me when they are desperate. They feel I stuck them with a child for their money. Granted, this ex of mine also left me 4 months pregnant, on the side of the road after experiencing my first onset of an anxiety attack from what I didn't understand back then was PTSD. I understand it was scary.

Yes, I was screaming crying and hitting the dash. I don't blame that person for the leaving me part. But that ex got married 6 months later. Harassed me on social media that I was pinning them with a child. That child's would be taken away from me and they would be abused. They claimed I was whore who didn't know who the father was. (Which I did, I only did paternity tests to prove I wasn't lying) And that I wouldn't know when and I wouldn't know where, but I was "going to get it bitch". Messeges that all came from fake profiles. This one with a picture of a man pointing a gun at the camera.

This relationship came after a physically abusive relationship, that came after a toxic, physically, verballly, emotionally relationship. My first relationship ever, someone I be up with ended up in my man's bed. There's so much more to my history of toxic friendships and criminal ideology that all was prequel leading up to when I ended up having kids. I'm getting sidetracked from my point getting into all of this.

Back when I was a single mom. My point was, by this time I've been let down by even man in my life. Yes including my father, but I love my father and he did the best he could in the moment.

I lived my life just past my 30th birthday before I finally had a job that paid enough that I could start seeking counseling and start my path to healing. All this time caring around the fear and the pain of being the villain in other people's stories of me.

It's hard not to believe, because somehow everyone in my current life is associated with someone from my past. It's like I can't escape it.

And especially with my one child estranged, it's hard to know if what i did was enough for him to remember how hard i fought for him. I didn't actually ever lose my child in court proceedings. But I definitely lost them in the opinion of what they felt was best for themselves. Because as soon as they turned old enough to choose where they wanted to live. They left the house. And our relationship has been strained ever since.

I do everything I can to start over and rebuild. But I still feel like I'm battling overcoming the perception others have paint of me to my child. I definitely feel like I helped paint that prescription myself, because i tried always promoting the other parent to my child because I thought it best for my child to not know how I truly felt of there father.

I always thought my child would understand. They'd see in the end how hard i fought. That i did what was best and always loved and supported them. But here we are. Still estranged.

Its hard to Let them.... and not believe them. That's where I'm at and why I am sad today.

More to come another day because this deep cut bleeds into my work relationships as well.

But for today I'm drained. Putting my thoughts here feelings like someone or there might be feeling alone the same way I am. I hope trading this makes you feel like you are not alone. I could journal this am to myself. But, it's all ashtray in my head. I want to get this out of my head and out into the universe.

Negative comments not welcome thank you.