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Waluigi, Unraveled (2019), has greater cinematic artistry, story structure, and cultural impact than any other film released this year, and is therefore most deserving of an Oscar nomination. In this essay I will

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god today i ID’d an old dude buyin booze and he pulled out a fake ID with an elvis pic, then laughed and pulled out a matching one but with curly from three stooges on it, and im like okay please and he finally pulled out his real license and his legal name was steve sinner

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Cappy sure loves his NAPpuccinos and Costco rotisserie chickens

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the reason healthcare is free in the Pokemon world is because every time some corporation starts hoarding all the wealth some 13 year old comes in with a team of literal gods to stop them

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whats the point of having a cat if it doesn’t commit crimes

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kitten needs constant attention

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Broke: Barbie's many different careers are a way to sell dolls and accessories to little kids.

Woke: Barbie had every single one of those careers and is an immortal timeless being.

Bespoke: Barbie's different careers are different versions of Barbie from across the multiverse who occasionally swap place with each other or combine into one Barbie.

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the illusion was always that we just had to do it. just “do” the homework. the meal prep. the college application. just write the email, send the homework, follow up with that interview, clean your room. these are easy things, one-click things, two-hours-max things. we had so many people in our lives shout it at us. “why didn’t you just do it!” 

often my answer was a soft i don’t know. an i-got-tired when actually it was more like - i couldn’t. i just couldn’t. it feels like everything is covered in snow. don’t you know that i’m mad at myself too? i want this stuff just as much as you do. i want to live in a clean house with good food and have an okay job and know i’m not disappointing the people i’m coming home to. i don’t like missing opportunities and having to scramble in a panic about last-minute things.

i’m a fully grown adult. she is posing for a pic on insta. if you want a life like this, go out and get it. it’s 2pm and i haven’t eaten breakfast. i am staring at the space where i should be working. 

her video has a laugh. “just do it!”

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1 month post-op

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i’m a simple person; anything happens, i cry

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guess who just found out the difference between wax paper and parchment paper the hard way

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Angus, looking at the 3 upper lip hairs he has managed to grow in the past year: I am Angus McDonald

Angus:

Angus: *whispers* man detective