thebachrehash - Tumblr blog

[thebachrehash]

I don’t mind being assertive, I’m a Wilhelmina model

Ladies and gents, it’s time for the prerequisite “Shout the Bach’s name from the balcony” intro.  “Becaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!”

We immediately jump in with the always charming Chris Harrison handing out the first group date card reading, “Ready for my big day.”

Clay, Nick, Chris, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln cheese grin their way to meet Becca at a mansion with her in a (gorg) white dress.  She let’s them know that she wants to pamper the men like she was on her first date with Arie... because that went well.  The men drop trou and Becca is officially ready to get back in the game.  She calls Lincoln a block of muscle.  Jordan, while doing the “pensive”, let’s her know that he is a male model, and that the largest tip he could give her any day is to put the confidence on in the morning before her panty hose.  Not sure who’s wearing panty hose these days (besides my mom - hi, Kath!), but now we know.

The men roll out in their tuxes, to the poor man’s version of a Survivor obstacle course and are greeted by the poor man’s version of Ashton and Mila - Rachel and “not-Peter”, Bryan.  They’re there to help host “Groomsday”, and they warn they will have to get dirtay.

In order to see if the men have what it takes to be marriage material, they will go through a strange obstacle course complete with standing in a cold tub of water and eating cake without their hands.  Rachel (dirty, dirty girl) shouts it’s important to see, “what that mouth do.”  Connor gets the largest kick out of it, as he sends it to Barstool.

Lincoln is in it to win it to reach his “beautiful princess” Becca.  He is cheating.  He is cheating blatantly.  But, there are no rule keepers, this is the f’ing Bach.  Well, there are no rule keepers except for tattle tale Chris who knows that he got in the bucket after him and left before him.

In a really messy battle for the finishline, Lincoln beats out Chicken David.  He gets to plant a kiss on Becca and they take their wedding day picture.  Seems innocent enough.  If only it was.

Chris Harrison let’s them all know that EVERYONE will be able to attend the rest of the group date.  Ya hear that Krystal.

So the men all convene at a round couch, and Lincoln steals his “wife” immediately as they “just got married”.  He says something like, “she would only get the best from him when she gives her best and that makes them the best and he wants nothing more for her than the best.”  Becca goes, “Hmmm, well that’s nice, I have something for you.”  Thinking it’s the rose, Lincoln sits up all ready for Santa to come down the chimney.  Instead, Becca brings a photo from their wedding day.  It’s cute and Lincoln is very excited.

Lincoln returns to the men a smitten kitten and shares something about unicorns and Pegasus and a pot of gold, and prominently displays his prized possession, his photo of the two of them.

Connor is NOT having this.  He thinks it’s a slap in the face that he would put this picture out.  Bro, needs to chill a bit, but Lincoln is weird and being extra,

Meanwhile, Becca is bonding with the men.  

Chris woos her in telling her that he wants to treat her the way he treats his mom and sister.  David wants to be pushed intellectually and she couldn’t agree more.  Clay is here for her and he wants her to get to know the real him.  

Back at the couch, Lincoln is now kissing the picture of him and Becca.  Connor throws it.  Lincoln picks it up.  Connor finally opens the door and frisbees it into the pool.

Lincoln, just a little dramatically, proclaims that his heart is broken.  He starts to tear up, he was looking forward to sharing this with his mom.  Picturegate has begun.

Back in the private lounge our Jean Blanc must be spraying some special, soothing scents onto Miss Becca.  He lets her know that she is the missing part of his life and that she makes him feel so special.  He takes all the courage from his ck one spritz, and tells her the only thing more beautiful than her smile is her lips.  They smooch.  

Before Becca can make it back to the other men, she is stopped by Lincoln.  He lets her know that, not only did he lose his beloved picture, but he feels threatened physically.  what.is.going.on

Becca pulls Connor aside on what has become a date in a pre-school.  She is over it.  She wonders if Connor is a roid-rager slash if this is his regular reaction.  He agrees that it was way over the top.  She said she’ll take some time to think about it, but it’s probably not the best time to get to know one another.

Becca gathers them all together and says it had definitely been an interesting and revealing night.  Jean Blanc gets the group date rose.  He tells her to pin it on the leather, “he don’t even care.”  He’s so excited, it’s v. cute.

It’s time for Blake’s one on one date.

He’s pumped that he gets to roll out in a limo instead of on an ox.  Small pleasures.

Becca fills him in that she has no idea what they’ll be doing as Chris Harrison planned this one.  They get to the area that is a “little run down” and see Chris with a sledgehammer waiting for them.  They’re asked to put on little work jumpers (Becca’s complete with a belt from Charming Charlie), helmets and Tims.  Then, they’re both given their own sledgehammers.

They go inside and “TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?!” 

This is where everything from Arie’s season went to die.  Chris and, um what?!? Lil Jon let them know that they’re gonna get to destroy everything in the room.  Immediately Becca climbs that racecar and smashes in the windows.  This is FABULOUS.  

Carrie Underwood would be proud.

I have zero idea why Lil Jon is there, but am so VERY happy that Blake is a “huge fan of his”.  Sure you are Blakey boy.

The two of them proceed to make the whitest rap video ever, and Blake is so happy to see Becca so happy. I am cheese grinning my way through watching it.

Post wrecking crew, they sit down to dinner.  They’re ridiculously comfortable with each other for just the first date.  Blake shares his heartbreak over his most recent relationship where he thought he was with the one.  In positive news, he said it was worth it, because now he knows what he wants, and knows that he is capable of loving like that.  Becca empathizes. I am having a hard and fast therapy session with both of them.  Through the pain, they have found so much strength that they never knew was in there.  I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Blake clearly gets the rose, and states to the camera: “I have no idea how Arie let her go.”  I love him.

It’s time for the second group date of the week... “Love comes at you hard and fast.”  

Well it comes hard and fast, except for poor Jason and Mike who are the only dateless men of the week.

The men for Group date #2 (Alex, Christon, Colton, Garrett, John, Leo, Rickey, Ryan, Trent, and Wills), board a school bus and head to a gym where they are greeted with some fabulous, tyrannical child actors.

Becca, in her 24387948th metallic outfit of the season, informs that the men that they are going to be playing some good old-fashioned dodgeball.  But first, these children will warm them up a la suicides (can we call them that anymore?!?) and pelting them with 70 mph dodgeballs; all while calling them TRASHHHHHH and somehow still making fun of Arie.  These kids are amaze.

They get set for the game, and the team with Becca all make the wise choice to hide behind her.  However, Christon don’t give a F and proceeds to belt Becca a number of times.  Spoiler alert: this doesn’t work out well for him in the end.

The men and Becca then move on to skyzone, where they’re to play a large game of trampoline dodgeball in front of a v. confused crowd, Chris Harrison, and Fred Willard.  Why tho?

Poor, pretty haired Leo is flying through the air and is in all his stuntman glory.  However, the rest of his team, complete with a former pro football player, suck to high heavens.  He is continually the only man left standing.  After three rounds, the green team wins and gets a trophy.

In probably his only soundbite of the season, Alex snarkly asks if it’s cool to display the trophy to the pink team.  Somewhere back at the ranch, Lincoln is crying again.

Becca gets her alone time with the men.  Garrett and her dork out together, Leo gets a little romantical, and she compliments Wills style while he almost tears up talking about his parents’ 50th anniversary coming up.  They share a kiss, and I think he kind’ve gave her his varsity jacket.

But, it wouldn’t be a group date without a bombshell.  

Pretty boy Colton fesses up that he had a former relationship with Weiner, Arkansas Tia.  Becca is visibly shook and doesn’t really know what to think.  Did he come on the Bach hoping it would actually be Tia?  Is he a fame whore?  Is he a whore?

So many questions.

In the end, she gives the group date Rose to Wills and his uneven scruff.  He’s happy, and Colton is nervous he’s gonna get the boot.

It’s time for the cocktail hour, and Becca is trying to not question what the f is wrong with all of these dudes.  She said she’s a lot more emotional than she thought she would be.

Clay pulls her outside to show her how he would celebrate scoring a touchdown.  Somehow he makes this boring, but he does score a kiss.  Me, and all of America, can name at least 10 other tight ends we would rather see on this show right now.  I’m looking at you, Gronk.

Venmo John pulls her aside and they make out.  Connor puts his tail between his legs and gives her a picture of him.  It breaks the ice and i think they’re cool now.

Chicken David is having what seems like a decently lovely conversation when Jordan decides it’s time to parade around in his undies and a pink furry blankie.  Jordan interrupts and Becca is questioning Jordan.  Is this a joke?  

Post convo, Chicken David confronts Jordan and stutters when telling him he was being disingenuous.  Jordan chooses this time to not only correct him, but to inform David that he’s the one being in-genuine-titty.

For the record, Jordan would also like everyone to know that he doesn’t want to be misrepresented as 007 all the time.  He likes to live life on the edge, but while doing so he likes to have well kept hair.  He’s multi-dimensional.  He doesn’t mind being assertive, he is in FACT a Wilhelmina model.  And he’d like to think he’d score a little higher than a typical male model on “that” test.  

So, he wouldn’t light the cig at the gas station while sipping on his orange mocha frappuccino?  You be the judge.

Before handing out the roses, Becca lets Colton know that she needs more clarity before getting to know him further.  She has to think a bit.  Colton is scared he’s going home.  Obvs, he would NEVER, well not until we can get Tia to come on a date and make this some good tv.

At the rose ceremony we say good-bye to Alex (and that SUPER sad tearful good-bye), Christon (that’s what you get for pelting her with a dodgeball), Rickey and Trent.

Power Rankings

1 - Blake (+2) - Solid connection, I heart him

2 - Wills (+2) - There’s something there... he’s chill, and a fab dresser

3 - Garrett (-2) - Dropping for air time and his scandalous likes on the gram

4 - Jean Blanc (+9) - Coming in hot and smelling good too

5 - Chris (+10) - Coming back hot from being the tattle tale in Episode 1

6 - Leo (+6) - Thiiiiis close to getting the group date rose this week

7 - Colton (-5) - Bringing the drama with the Tia card, and yet still having a v-card?  There’s no way he’s going anywhere soon.

8 - Jason (+1) - No date, but played it calm and cool

9 - Lincoln (-3) - I mean, they got married, but I want him to go

10 - Jordan (+1) - Literally, NOTHING in common, but I’ll keep him for his confidence and commentary

11 - Clay (-4) - Yawning

12 - John (-2) - Cashed in on a make-out... I’m impressed

13 - David (-5) - He’s geeky, but trying

14 - Mike (+5) - Tim Riggins is due for some time next week

15 - Connor (+1) - picturegate is over?!?!

16 - Nick (+5) - Hanging in the background

17 - Ryan (-) - Get your banjo out and play it man!

[thebachrehash]

BABY... why don’t you just meet me at 60/40?

Wowzer, I was ready for this show to be back.  But ABC wants to damper that love and immediately jumps into the saga that was Arie: the unedited breakup, and that time he never left the apartment.  Cue a tearful Becca flipping through some polaroids.  

Where did these come from?

Alas,the tears are short lived and homegirl is pumped (slash relieved) that Arie is gonezo, and now she’s the GD Bachelorette.  Miracles can happen, and the silver gerbil that Arie was has been replaced by this feisty chick.

Becca’s with her mom and sis, and I’m sorry, did we miss that head of hair on her sister during hometowns?!? They’re super supportive and want their Becca to find redemption.  They saw how Arie broke her, but believe in the process and think she will find love.  #preach

I wasn’t sure if Becca (and her damn thing) would wear on me, but minute 7 of the show, I’m believing in her and it makes me happy.  

Don’t fail me. 

Becca gets to the Bach mansion to meet up with Rachel, JoJo, and Kaitlyn. Rachel is funny and owns her bleepout of saying “F*** Arie”. JoJo is sweet and I forgot how much hair envy I had for a full season. Kaitlyn is just seen chugging her mimosas and her only sound bite is talking about the large doobie they’re using to sage the mansion. I love her hard.  

All said and done, the girls basically tell her, “no pressure, but.... whoever you give the first impression rose to and kiss first will be the guy you have to get engaged to.”  Poor Beccs, but she’s chill and ready to BRING ON THE MEN!

First out of the limo is Colton. He’s partial cabbage patch kid with a hint of JJ Watt.  To say I’m smitten is an obvious understatement.  We learned earlier through his highly edited intro that he once played for the Chargers, but due to injury now focuses his efforts on his foundation which supports cystic fibrosis. He is packing heat in the form of confetti guns and he and Becca blow them into the wind... it’s a cute intro and he’s and early front-runner.

Grant hops out next and is either blacked out, high, or just really nice and mumbles something about his respect for all that she’s just been through.

NFL player #2, Clay, comes out all petrified with an overly rehearsed line of Becca potentially being the biggest catch of his life.  He’s big and sweet, yet strangely sounds like a Muppet.

Jean Blanc is next and this Haitian born cologneseur teaches Becca how to say, “let’s do the damn thing” in french.  To his credit, Becca says he smells good as he walks away.  I, on the other hand, can’t stop thinking of Drakur Noir and 7th grade dances.

Leading with his highly gelled coif, Connor walks up to Becca and gets down on one knee.  He tells her he is opening his heart and asks if she will do the damn thing.  this.is.getting.old

Chicago Grocery store owner, Joe, is next and he is freaking the f out.  He tells Becca that he forgot everything he was going to say.  He is a-dor-a-ble and fortunately got all of his words out during the pre-taped segment.  Sign me up.

John arrives next, all timid with exceptional posture.  He believes in this as his grandparents fell in love quickly and are still together.  #yawn

Mediterranean Fabio, er. Leo, hops out of the limo with his curls tied up.  He does his best shake out and says he wants to let his hair down.  Becca asks to touch it.  I hope he stays for the shear possibility of me learning how he stays frizz free.

Speaking of hair maintenance, male model, Jordan, is next.  After salt spraying his eyebrows, he gloats that he spent six hours preparing for this moment.  

Bow-tied Rickey is all smiles and does a little twirl.  Sadly, I don’t think he’ll enjoy a long shelf life on the show, but he sure does smile a lot.... and smiling’s my favorite.

Alex and his teeth show up and he’s cute, but forgettable.

Nick pulls up in an Arie-esque racing suit (why man?) and whips it off to his suit

Mike follows up with a cardboard cut-out of Arie (why man?)

In redemption of those two choads, Garrett rolls up in a minivan.  He walks Becca through their ghost of Christmas future, complete with carseats and soccer balls.  It’s gimmicky, but super cute... and has nothing to do with Arie.

Blake is next and overdoes his horse from the ATFR special with an ox.  They’re cute and his little flat top and maroon blazer are giving me all the 90′s feels.

Continuing in the “we met already” category, in comes Lincoln and his adorbs accent.  He has cake because it’s his birthday, and I can listen to him speak all damn day.  What is it about accents that have me like...

Chase says something about chasing her

Then, I really didn’t take good notes, but I know that Darius, Ryan, and Christon arrive.  Welcome.

Wills (digging the name), tells her he’s a closet nerd and Becca geeks out.

Jason teaches her a handshake

and then...

Kamil... oh, Kamil.  Did you have a solitary female in your life that you could have run this by?!?  He beckons Becca to come meet her in the middle, because hey, that’s how relationships work, right?  Ok, but then he switches it to 60/40 and calls her closer because that’s the way it should be.

In comes Jake in his man slippers looking like he’s a main character in a Wes Anderson movie.  Becca recognizes him from Minneapolis and girl does not have a poker face.  This is awky.

A hearse arrives and Trent proclaims that he literally died when he heard that Becca was the Bachelorette.  I kind’ve dig it.

Christian ?  I just wrote his name ... sorry

Becc - cawwww, David is here is a chicken suit and 30489058 puns about chickens, hens, and eggs

And finally we round out the suitors with a choir for Uncle Gary.  Not sure if Chris wrote this song about the rose and the Lord, but it was a showstopper.

Becca finally comes inside to toast the men.

Connor immediately pulls her away and sabers some champs.  He takes a sip first and he has failed all women in America, by not giving it to his lady first.

Clay (preciously) asks her to play with some clay so she will remember him.  He is totally the guy you’re supposed to like/take home to the parents, but you just don’t have the feels.  Sorry

John tells her that he created the venmo app.  Who the what the?!?!

Christon schools the rest of the house when he dunks over Becca outside.  Then the guys shoot around and Becca quips, “so many balls.”  hee hee hee

Jordan can’t really get over a lot of things.  He’s pro-socks/anti-loafers with a kean eye for who spent time on getting ready for their big day.  He also can’t believe that he and his pretty face are competing with a chicken.

But, David, has a full fledge chicken dance party - he’s cute and clearly not taking himself too seriously.

Lincoln inserts himself in the friend zone by giving her a literal friendship bracelet

Garrett takes her fly-fishing in the mansion pool and she proclaims that her family would love him.  The guys in the house know they’re in danger because they’re critiquing his form.  In a pool.  On the bachelor.

Oh what is that?!?!  Someone is here for the wrong reasons?  Do tell.

Chandler’s cray cray roommate, Eddie (now known as Chris) knows a girl that used to date Chase and said he’s there for the wrong reasons and just to gain some traction for his business.

Chase says he’s not that guy and would never do that, plus he never even really dated this girl.  He is also not that shocked.

He decides to pull Becca aside and fill her in.  She says she’s known him for approx 3 minutes, so has no idea what to think, but appreciates him filling her in.  Hmmm

What she does know at this point, though, is that her hometown boy, Jake, has gots to go.  She asks why he’s there if they had hung out a number of times and there was never a thing.  He corrects her and tells her if they hung out more than once, he doesn’t remember it.  #thingsnottotellagirl  Before he is sent packing, he wants her to know that he has had a transformative  year.  She says adios and don’t let the mansion door hit you on the way out.

Before the rose ceremony, Jason comments. “how can there be so much freakin drama on the first night?”

Wills shares his Harry Potter tattoo and Becca geeks out for the second time in hi presence.

Colton finally gets some alone time and he knows his backstory is money… oh I played professional football and now I run a non-profit, oh and I’m from the Midwest, and oh and I am hottttt

Finally the elephant in the room first impression rose is taken and Becca gives it to Garrett and they share the first kiss.  If Rachel, JoJo, and Kaitlyn have anything to say about it - he is the last man standing.

At the rose ceremony, we say good-bye to:

Chase (you had it coming), Christian, Darius, Grant, Kamil, and WHAT, you got rid of a man that could provide free snacks for life - Joe?!?!  Please resurrect in Paradise or in Hoboken, NJ.

Power Rankings

1 - Garrett - first rose, first kiss

2 - Colton - charmer

3 - Blake - instant connection

4 - Wills - geeky love

5 - Christon - that dunk was supes cool

6 - Lincoln - that accent tho

7 - Clay - he is trying so gd hard

8 - David - chicken points

9 - Jason - feel like they’ll have fun/real convos

10 - John - one word - venmo

11 - Jordan - will never win, but so far he is our prettiest villain

12 - Leo - mysterious

13 - Jean Blanc - pepe le pew 

14 - Trent - hearse points

15 - Chris - tried to be a good guy

16 - Connor - thinks he’s slaying (he’s not)

17 - Ryan - bring back the banjo

18 - Alex - so cute, but we didn’t see anything of you

19 - Mike - Tim Riggins swag

20 - Rickey - keep smiling

21 - Nick - eh?

[thebachrehash]

Flip or Flop - Scottsdale

[thebachrehash]

I’m sArie... wtf just happened?!?

So... what in the f’ing f

I heard the rumors these past few weeks, but really underestimated Arie’s D-Bag level.  As our dear prez would say, he’s a yuge, yuge doucher.

Let’s start from the beginning...

We’re in Caracas, Peru and it’s all things gorgeous.  Arie is nervous with his family about introducing him to his mute girlfriend.  He admits that she brings more of a risk, because her walls come up and he has to constantly reassure her.  Becca, on the hand, is all in.  She’s confident and self-sufficient.  Whatever will a man do?!?!

First up to meet the fam, including his mom (Krystal’s ghost of Christmas future), is Lauren.

Arie gives pep talk number 500 of the season, and encourages Lauren to be herself.  She pops an immodium and a prozac and enters the Peruvian villa of the Luyendyks.  They’re kind and personable and the family takes to her.  His mom expresses that her son won’t be able to withstand another heartbreak, and Lauren assures her that she sees forever with him and that she’s deeply in love with him.  It goes well, and both Lauren and Arie are both surprised and impressed.

Next up is Becca, and she actually has big shoes to fill.  While seemingly closed off at first to the thought of another woman (a brunette no less!), Becca woos them with her charm and warmth.  She shares that she can see “that future”, the one with the kids, and growing old together.  She never understood the “when you know, you know” feeling until she met Arie.

Becca leaves and Arie has a sit down with the fam.  His dad could really give a shit, and wishes him well.  His sister asks who can he stay up all night chatting with.  (Take a wild guess.)  His mom, while initially playing Switzerland, says that she would lean towards Becca.  His sister shouts, “Same!”

Arie is still pensive, and knows he has to follow his heart, or his head, or his pecker... he can’t even decide that

Off to Machu Picchu he goes with Lauren.  They board a private commuter train.  They talk about their journey and what they would name their dogs.  Once there, they bask in the beauty of one of the wonders of the world. Their conversation has become a circuitous rambling of, ‘it’s so cool’, ‘wow, crazy’, ‘this is so amazing’, ‘it’s pretty incredible’, ‘we’re pretty lucky’, ‘it’s unbelievable’.  

Fortunately, they don’t call him the kissing bandit for nothing, and they make out EVERYWHERE.  Arie says she takes his breathe away, and it’s crazy to think he could say good-bye to someone like this.  He would propose right then.

At dinner that night, Lauren reiterates her love.  She looks forward to a lifetime of dog walks, work, dinner, wine, and hanging out with family and friends.

She has really let her walls down, and shown her true self.  She’s never experienced love like this and she can feel his love too.  Ominously, she then tells the camera, that she really doesn’t think that Arie would let her get this close if he didn’t see her in the end.

Wait, hold my pinot grigio

It’s time for Becca’s date, and while Lauren got Machu Picchu, Becca gets the local market.  They feed some alpacas, they try on some sweaters, and they laugh and goof around.   She tells him she loves the honesty with him.  She knows she will always get the truth whether it’s easy or hard.  

however...

Arie has no questions for Becca.  He sees her as a rock, and he’s confident in them.  Becca expresses that there are major inherent differences between herself and Lauren.  They are an apple and a starfish if you will, and that’s what worries her the most.  They are just so different.  Arie doesn’t want her to be in her head too much and asks if she’ll be ok.  She says, “Dude, it’s 24 hours, I’m gonna make it.”

And, just like that, with no clear front-runner, it’s time to propose.  Cue our old friend Neil Lane and, boom, there’s a ring.  Arie tells us that once he looked inward (that very morning) he realized the woman he could see himself growing old with.

First up is Lauren and she’s freaking out.  She didn’t realize that she would meet someone that would be such a significant part of her life.  She thanks him for his patience and helping her knock down her walls, she knows that he loved her all along and that he’s the man she’s been looking for all her life.  Arie is semi avoiding eye contact and breathing like Darth Vader into his mic.  

He (finally) stops Lauren and tells her that the night before he was awake all night.  There was something that was holding him back, and he couldn’t see it working with the two of them.

Lauren (rightfully) is dumbfounded.  Didn’t he tell her that he loved her a mere 76438347 times, didn’t he plan their future together?!?  She tactfully wishes him the best.  Arie asks if he can walk her out and she obliges.  He tells her he didn’t know fully until this morning, and that he’s sorry to put her through this. She tells him that she still loves him, and he says he loves her too.

So.... now, like any good man who just told his ex he still loved her, Arie finds it the perfect time to propose to Becca.

She tells him that since their very first conversation he put her at ease.  He made it easy, and allowed her to be vulnerable.  He made falling in love with him easy.  Arie said she intrigued him, and he thinks about all of the moments that they shared.  The thing that stood out is that they’re a team.  Through it all, she’s given him so much confidence along the way. He thought about her with their kids and growing old together.  He chooses her today, and he will choose her everyday.

He twirls her, and her rose breaks.

They share their final day in Peru and they’re cute in love.  Arie tells us that she’s nurturing and goofy, and they have fun together.  They talk about moving to Arizona and finally going on a real date.   But then... he thinks about Lauren when he goes to bed and when he wakes up in the morning.  And how would this be with Lauren, and how would that be with Lauren.  He thought the feelings of the breakup would go away like any other, but they didn’t.  He knows that he is still in love with Lauren.

Arie knows it’s not fair to be in a relationship with Becca when he’s only half in.  He promised to choose her every day, and he can’t do that.  Just the possibility of something with Lauren makes him want to risk it all.

So, what’s a man to do?!?!  Well, obviously call Chris Harrison.  ABC smelt ratings and Arie realized he could be the most notorious bachelor of all time, and agrees to ending his relationship live and unedited.  

Arie arrives at Becca’s room with the camera crew from the Blair Witch Project.  He sits Becca down and makes some awkward small talk.  She says he’s making her nervous.  He knows that she knows he’s been struggling and even though it’s been great when they hang out, he still thinks about Lauren.  He was toying with the thought of getting back with her.

Becca asks, “Are you fucking kidding me?!?”  When he left Peru, he didn’t want to be honest about just how conflicted he was before he proposed.  He thought logically he and Becca made more sense, but he’s still in love with Lauren.  She takes off the ring.

Becca confirms that she’s done and Arie comes to watch her pack.    He feels like there is so much more to say, but it’s not gonna change anything.  She tells him, “it’s just a really shitty thing to do.”  And she asks him to leave.

But he doesn’t leave, and poor Becca is left crying while Arie stairs off and listens and doesn’t FUCKING leave.  Then he knocks on the door and asks if she’s ok like she ate a bad clam, and not like she just get broken up with by her fiance on national television.  And then he follows and stares some more.  I feel weird and also a little nauseous with all of these camera angles and I don’t know where to focus with this split screen.

This is hard to watch. And I just feel like Arie is counting to 100 as he stares trying to figure out if it’s been enough time before he leaves.  She feels like her future was ripped away.  And, at the same time she loves him and obviously wants him to be happy even if it’s not with her.  (wow)

And... just like that after 22 seasons of the bachelor, we have finally gotten the most dramatic finale ever.  Ugh, I need a shower.

[thebachrehash]

Suite, Suite Fantasy Baby

Be warned... I will seize any opportunity to have Mariah in the background...

We’re in Ica, Peru... how very exotic of you, Arie boy.

Kendall channels her inner Gwen and pops on a belly shirt and a flannel, and the two of them are ready to explore the dunes of Ica.  Dune bugging, dune surfing, dune anything; they’re dune-ing it.  (I’m sorry)

They really are having fun together and enjoying each other’s company.  Kendall keeps expressing that her hometown visit did make her realize how much more there is to know about him.  Arie agrees, and surmises that sometimes because they’re so carefree they avoid the tough questions.  Plus, they don’t call him the kissing bandit for nothin.

They arrive at their dinner in a gorgeous tiki hut and get a little deeper.  It’s hard to see them not just as friends, though, even with Kendall saying that she is falling for him.  Being sure to not miss his chance to be friends with benefits, Arie presents the fantasy suite card to Kendall before it’s too late and tells her that he is falling for her too.  They share a v. saliva-filled kiss, and Kendall foregoes her individual accommodations for the evening.

They have some laughs and then close the doors.  The cameras arrive in the morning with a close up of her heels and clothes on the floor and a scrubbed clean face.  They make eggs, and we’re supposed to believe she might get the rose over Lauren or Becca.

It’s Lauren’s turn, and she refuses to be anyone’s sloppy seconds.  Even if she will solely make a scroungy face and just wine about the process.

They board a plane and see the Nazca lines from above.  It’s pretty cool, but Lauren is just in her head the whole time and she is due for a sticker from Arie that she’s doing great.

Arie calls out the wall that is beginning to reform around her, and she knows that she is her own worst nightmare.  The stronger she feels about him, the stronger her fears are.  She’s scared to lose him and have her heart broken.  He affirms that he’s crazy about her, but secretly questions if he is going to give one of these speeches every morning before work:

They get to dinner and look at their food.  She confesses how hard it still is for her to get over things with everyone else.  More importantly, she wants him to be confident not just in the day he proposes, but in the life and the future he is proposing to the woman he picks.  Arie thinks that dating this many women is allowing him to be sure he doesn’t f it up.  Hmmmm ok.

So, this date, like so many of their others, is the pits.  It’s so gd boring.  This one actually gets a soundtrack because Lauren does not speak.  Arie breaks the ice, and tells her that he loves her.  She’s over the moon and her entire demeanor changes.  She got the golden goose, and immediately accepts the fantasy suite card which Arie so aptly played,

Their room is way better than his and Kendall’s and we don’t see much except for them mumbling I love you 39204983498 times until the doors shut.

We don’t see them again until the morning, fresh faced in pj’s and they look like little school kids. 

Lauren professes, “I don’t see how he can end up with anyone but me.”  Oh girl, hope your fingers are crossed behind your back.

It’s Becca’s turn and we are now in the middle of Paracas, Peru.

They board a catamaran and have a fun, chill af day.  They’re so easy together, and goofy (which they acknowledge).  They actually eat the food in front of them, and are really cute.  I enjoy Arie with her, he isn’t trying too hard and he lets his guard down.  He confides that it’s the safest, most comfortable of all of his relationships, and there is a lot to be said for that.

They talk about the future, and how she wouldn’t want to do long distance as that is what she did with her ex.  She did all the effort, and doesn’t want that again.  She would move to him.  She giddily can’t wait to say, “I love you.”  She has never been the one to say it first, but she has to and she knows that there is a strong chance he won’t say it back.

They arrive at dinner in a yurt, and it’s where you want to stay during Coachella.  It’s perched on a dune, and looks all kinds of cool.

Becca essentially proposes to Arie, and tells him that from the first night he quelled her nerves and made her feel so very comfortable.  From then, he was slowly capturing pieces of her heart.  She saw it all come together at hometowns, and could really see him as a part of her family.  After that date, she was staring at the clouds and realized - I love him.

Not to be outdone, or act like he said this the day before... Arie gives his best.

They’re both ecstatic and Arie says he wants to throw in the towel and propose right then.  They repeat their ‘I love yous’ a ton, and they are adorbs,

They move towards the fantasy suite (which does not have a bathroom) and I’m sure had an amazing evening.

The next morning Becca strolls in the desert in her silk robe, and bachelor nation is so happy she found her man.

Oh, but wait... Chris Harrison promised the most dramatic season ever.  And, even though he says this EVERY season, I always believe that little bugger.

And what’s that, a knock on Arie’s door.

It’s not housekeeping (silly Arie), it’s Becca’s smokeshow ex, Ross.  He has come to, “get his girl.”  aka - get a free trip to Peru.

Looking like he’s showing up for the NFL draft in that suit, he has come to fight for her and would have swam there if he could.  Arie sends him off to Becca, and nervously sips his coffee with his pinky out.  As Ross leaves, Arie yells, “Nerd!”  And, that ladies and gents, is my most favorite thing that has come out of Arie’s mouth all season,

All said and done, Becca and Ross haven’t been together in quite some time, and she handles herself with class as she eventually sends him off.  Not to be a dick (or #pencildick) but can we get this guy to be the next bach?!?! or at least make a cameo on bach in paradise.  K thx

Becca finds Arie and assures him that they are so very over, and he is the only one for her.  I believe her, because how she didn’t go for one last romp in that yurt with her ex will never be clear to me.

It’s time for the rose ceremony and Arie greets the women.  He thanks them for everything and tells him how clear things are for him, and that he has fallen deeply in love.  Both Becca and Lauren internally nod knowing that he’s speaking about them.  

Arie escorts Kendall away and delicately says good-bye.  It’s hardly emotional, and Kendall cried a lot more when Jacqueline and Caroline left the mansion.  She will do great things and stuff a hell of a lot more muskrats.

And then there were two that Arie is in love with....

Power Rankings

1 - Becca (+1) - by a hair

2 - Lauren (-1) - by an extension

[thebachrehash]

Arie, you savage you

[thebachrehash]

If you hurt her, I’ll find you on google

We’re in La La land to see where Kendall comes from, and my oh my is Arie in for an adventure.  She greets him with the token jump into his arms that all bachelorettes are required to give once they’re in the final six and it doesn’t take long for her to take him to her creepy ass garage and show him her stuffed animals.  And, what better activity (and way to show that you are falling for Arie) then to stuff some rats together.  It’s a little more Dinner for Schmucks than Ryan Gosling dancing, but it’s oddly endearing.

Arie reiterates that he has never met anyone like Kendall, and I believe him.  She lets him know that she’s falling for him, but is nervous because they have not had as much time together as him and his other girlfriends.  So, she takes him home to meet the fam.

I can’t focus, because I just found out that Kendall’s twin sister’s name is Kylie and I am freaking out.  I also think Kris Jenner is on the horn with a patent lawyer.

Kylie is a little more Miss Chleo than Miss Taxidermy, and puts Arie on warning that she will be reading his energy the entire time.  She doesn’t have a sense that, “yes, this is undeniably her person,” but she does see that this could work and blossom into something great while she slowly sprinkles parts of herself to him.

Her family is great, and super supportive.  Arie also provided them with a fruit basket the size of Connecticut, so they will be well nourished.  As for the relationship, they’re perplexed that this could turn into love, but supportive.  I would also venture to say this isn’t the craziest thing Kendall has done in her life.  Her sister tells her to go for it and to leave it all on the table.  Her parents say they will support her and if she said yes to a proposal, they would stand behind her.

Bring on the weiners.

Tia is so excited that Arie made the trek to Arkansas.  After the token lift her in the air, she says that she wanted to do something that made him feel comfortable, so they go racing.  Arie takes off hard after Tia expressing her fears, and there is no way that he is going to let her win.  He’s in his element, and it’s actually good to see him not have a forced smile and be excited (not just for excitement or pizza).  After telling each other that they did “so good” they head home to meet papa dukes and the rest of her crew,

Her fam is adorable and they kick it off with toasting some cocktail weenies.  They chat about some of the places they’ve been, and there is a general ease in the house.  Her big brother pulls Arie aside and is scared that he might be a bit of a playboy.  Arie defends himself well, and gets the brother to support him and not refer to him as the kissing bandit.  

While they chat, Tia is with her parents and tells them that she’s fallen in love.  She is trying very hard not to think about the other relationships, but she thinks he is a stand up guy.

Tia’s dad pulls “Air-eeeee” aside and calls him a playboy as well.  He says he knows there have been rumors, but he has sent 25 women home, so he knows and feels something special with Tia.  His dad gives him his blessing, but warns he’ll find him on the google if he breaks her heart.

Time for some Minnesota lovin.

Becca takes him to an apple orchard and they have a cute date throwing apples and joking around.  They have a good flow and chemistry together.  She talks about how she would go to this orchard with her dad, and she knows that her dad is with her for this journey.  She really thinks he would think Arie was a stand up guy.

They get to her mom’s house and she meets her, some aunts and cousins and her Uncle Gary who is a pastor that has kind’ve taken on the father role.  He may be a little more Lieutenant Dan than Pastor, but he only has Becca’s interest at heart.  He breaks down knowing that her dad should be the one giving the blessing.  Arie finds a way to his heart (even though he’s far from a church-going fellow) and her uncle says he trusts in Becca.

Becca shares with her mom that she’s falling in love with Arie.  He’s exceeded everything she thought.  She knows that he would make a great father and partner.  And, while her mom said she would grieve if she left Minnesota, she trusts her and wants her to be fulfilled and loved.  She gives her blessing to both Becca and Arie and I need a xanax.

Time for Virginia Beach and for Lauren.  Can’t say I’m excited.

They ride some horses on the beach and it is rather picturesque.  They climb a lighthouse and just mumble how smitten they are with one another and make out.  Arie knows they’ve built a lot of momentum over the past two weeks, and is excited to meet her family.  She is nervous, because she knows they will be skeptical.  Also, they’re robots.

This is as awkward as their Paris date.  They’re trying to read him, and silently, resting bitch face their way through the first part of the night.  Arie has to excuse himself to go pat himself off.  He’s a sweating beast.

Lauren’s dad pulls Arie aside.  He warns that he is a military man and that he will protect his daughter with his life.  Arie thanks him for his service and opens up about spending some time in Iraq with his racing buddies where he got to hang out with soldiers and marines.  He had wanted to show his appreciation.

And then the grinch grew a heart

Bottom line, her dad loves and trusts Lauren.  She’s not going to commit herself to someone she doesn’t see herself with and he likes Arie.

Mom, on the other hand, isn’t giving in.  Arie tells her that he looks to Lauren when he’s having a bad day and that he is falling in love with her.  She questions if he can really be with juts one person after being in all of these relationships.  Arie understands, but he like really likes her.  She trusts Lauren, so if it’s real it is what is and she nobly shakes his hand.

Lauren tells him that seeing him with his family made her feelings even stronger.  She’s smitten.

Back at the mansion, we immediately get to the rose ceremony.  

But, before Arie can do anything, he pulls Kendall aside and asks her if she can really do this.  Can she really get there?  If she stays and she’s not, someone who is really ready for marriage will go home.  She said that her sister didn’t see safety in him, but that was all she sees.  They then clearly figure it out, but obvs ABC doesn’t show that part.

Becca gets the first rose, followed by Lauren.  And then... Kendall with the sleeper final rose of the week.

Tia is heartbroken, and surprised, and dressed like a bride.

Arie said that something was just missing, and he had to let her go.  But wants her to know that he admires her.  Oy

Papa dukes is googling away hard

Power Rankings

1 - Lauren (-) - the ring is hers to lose

2 - Becca (+2) - could sneak her way in there if Lauren climbs back in her shell

3 - Kendall (-1) - I love her, but they won’t get there

[thebachrehash]

What’s more Italian than Italy?!?

Buon Giorno Tuscany!

The gang has moved on from gorgeous Paris, to the sprawling landscapes of Italy.  It’s beautiful, and though Tia admitted to have to look at a map to find out it was a region, the girls are excited to see what awaits them.

Chris Harrison greets them to let them know that the stakes are #ohsoveryhigh.  There will be no rose ceremony this week, but instead 3 one on ones and a final group date.  Hit Arie with their best shot, it’s go time.

Before we get to the dates, Arie seems to have gotten a haircut and he is loading in the gel, channeling his inner Ryan Cabrera.

Am I this bored already, wishing for the days of the Ashlee Simpson show... hmmm... kind’ve.

Anywho... Becca gets the first date card... Let’s fall in love under the Tuscan sun.  I’m praying they’re going to renovate an old Tuscan villa, but instead they explore the streets of Barga, a really cute, quaint town.

They gather the supplies for a picnic, and I have never related to Arie more than him having trouble limiting his items for their charcuterie.  The struggle is real.

Becca and Arie have a nice ease about them.  You can see them together and it doesn’t seem forced.  Going into the date Arie was concerned as they really started strong, but they kind’ve lost that spark, you know, with him dating twenty other women.  Their picnic was good, and she said she was falling for him and that she would never be there still if she didn’t see a future.

At dinner that night, she reaffirms this and talks about who Arie would meet.  Arie would essentially be the first man she brought home, and he feels honored.  He tells her that he is “really, really, really, really” hopeful for their relationship and gives her the rose.  She’s thrilled and she’s the first to move on to hometowns.

Becca returns home and the next date card arrives.  Much to everyone’s surprise, Lauren gets the second one on one of the week. She’s surprised, the girls are surprised, and Jacqueline is spinning out of control.

She has doubts, swirling doubts about her relationship.  Using her noggin, she just doesn’t see how these other girls can be so very sure of their relationship when they’ve only known this guy for a few weeks.  She decides to go see him.

He greets her at the door and they kiss and she steals his wine.  She explains her case with the foundation that, she doesn’t want to wake up in Scottsdale one day and wonder wtf happened to her life.  She has dreams and doesn’t want to shortchange them, and at the same time she should be more confident in their relationship before she brought him home.  She eventually bids Arie arrivederci and says good-bye to the girls.

First of all, props.  This show is cray, and it takes a certain personality to figure this thing out.  Second of all, any guy that says you’re too intelligent for him is not worth your time.  #girlpower

Arie moves on quick and is ready for his second one on one with Lauren.  He said it took until the end of their date in Paris to really get her to open up, he’s hoping to build off of that this week, because he has major hearts in his eyes for her.  They’re bike-riding in the town of Luca and he gets all x-games on her and climbs on the frame of his bike.  He is legit in middle school trying to impress the girl.

They hop off their bikes and begin to explore.  “Italy is very Italian,” Lauren, PHD deduces.  Well... that pretty much sums up this pair.  They eat the Italian clichés of pizza and gelato.  Eventually they hop into a “spontaneous” game of soccer with some kids.

As they head to dinner, Arie said he is still not sure if she will get the rose, as he really needs to get a little deeper.  While they don’t get deeper, and she regurgitates everything she said on their last date, she does say that it’s very obvious to her that she is falling in love with him.  Arie looks like he shat himself and excuses himself from the table.  A few minutes later he returns and says that he felt things he hadn’t felt in a very long time.  He’s vulnerable with her and he’s falling so deeply in love with her.  She accepts the rose and two of our four spots are filled.

For the final one on one of the week, Seinne gets the date card, “I’m searching for the one”.

Immediately they meet Giulio and his dogs and they find out they’re going to go truffle hunting.  This is fabulous, and I want a truffle hunting dog, and a Giulio.  

Seinne hasn’t let herself go yet, but she is trying and thinks she will be able to today.  Arie digs Seinne, but asks can he “dig deep enough?”

The couple go back to Giulio’s house with their found truffles and begin to make lunch with the family.

Seinne sits with the men as Arie makes pizza dough with the women.  They call him a natural.  He, rightfully so, drops “the hut” when he tells them that he used to work at a pizza place.  As they eat, the family asks them some tough questions.  Are you in love?, How long has it been?, etc.  It becomes pretty clear that they’re not at the same level as some of the other relationships.

After their carb load, they head to dinner (?!?!).  It’s there that Seinne says she’s open to a conversation about relocation, but she is not 100% into Scottsdale without some serious contemplation.  Despite their chemistry (and the fact that she’s not ready to move), Arie tells her that he doesn’t have all of the feels, just some of the feels, and that he has to let her go.

She’s a class act and wishes him the best with his relationships.

The girls are shook when the bags leave.  Bekah is more excited because there are now two roses up for grabs and Tia is taking notes on how to relay this to her man.

The remaining ladies - Tia, Kendall and Bekah arrive at Villa Royale.  They walk around the gardens for 4 minutes and then he takes each lady off on her own.

Kendall is first.  She isn’t nervous about their chemistry but is more concerned with how their lives would fit together.  Her only concern is reaching the point that some of the other girls are because they started much later.  He tells her that his feelings are super strong for her.  She is open to moving to him, and wants to be around him. She is falling for him.  Plus she wants to show him all her dead animals.

Tia is next and she chooses to go the dirty dog route and tell him that she doesn’t think Bekah is there for the right reasons.  She may be on a different page, and due to her inexperience she may not know how serious this is.  Arie shoo shoos her, and tells her not to worry and not to harp on it.  They then obviously make out, and she talks about who he would meet.  Through her stress and her worry, her one constant is her feelings for him and she has no hesitations.

Tia shares with Bekah what she told Arie and she immediately breaks down.  Tia said she feels like a big sister to her, and Bekah is pretty much sick of this shit.

Bekah runs to Arie’s arms and he consoles his little daughter.  What did the mean girl say to you?  

jk

I like Bekah, and she actually has proven her maturity, despite the missing on a pot farm thing and her competitiveness.  All said and done, whether it’s the right reasons or not, it’s Arie’s choice and I am pissed that Tia said something.

But... I can’t think about any of this, because as he is consoling her, he is petting his own hand.

See the video in the post before or my insta @thebachrehash bc I have no idea how to imbed it here - oops

I mean, wtf

Arie gathers all the girls together and reiterates how amazing the day was.  He gives Kendall the first rose and sends her on her way.  Tia and Bekah will stay and over dinner Arie will decide who gets to stay and who gets to go home.

Tia raises a glass and says, “Here’s to being open and honest and direct and finding love at the end of this thing.”  He pulls Tia away.  In an attempt of redemption, she says comparison is a bitch.  He tells her that she stresses so much, and that is because she cares so much.  She tells him that she’s falling in love with him. Her love grows every time she sees him. She’s giving a piece of her heart and she wants him to care for it.  She’s never given it to somebody who could.  He can picture his hometown with her.  

Bekah says that she feels like Arie sees her.  She says to have a little faith in his 22 year old self that is crazy and sometimes emotionally volatile.  They’re both logical people that lead with their hearts.  She feels like she’s falling for him and it’s scary.  She has faith in them, and what they could be,  And then they make out.

He gives the rose to Tia and says that he is confident in this decision.  He takes Bekah and walks her out. Bekah says it’s ok and that she knows it will end well for him.  Then she loses it in the limo.  I feel bad for her, she may have had a shot had Tia not said anything.  But he is old and she is young and we have since found out since this aired that she was really hoping it would be Peter (same girl, same).

Arie sheds one crocodile tear and says that he didn’t see their lives fitting together but she did make this fun.  We’ll miss you girl - you still have your perky boobs and your twenties.  Go get ‘em.

Power Rankings

1 - Lauren (-) - It’s not the stuff Hollywood movies are made of, but they look legit

2 - Kendall (+2) - if the animals don’t scare him off, she’s here for another week

3 - Tia (-) - homegirl got lucky, but I think he’s gonna like her fam and hopefully we get to see Raven

4 - Becca (+2) - little vanilla, but could get a swirl this week

[thebachrehash]

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He’s petting his own hand!

[thebachrehash]

No one thought Trump was gonna win the election either

Before we get to Paris, let’s just have a moment for Baby Bekah and her Amber alert this week.  I mean, I can’t exactly say my mom would think it was the best idea to go on the bach, but I would think that she’d prefer it to me working on a pot farm.

Ok... enough of that

We’re in Paris, second in romance only to Ft. Lauderdale.  Mr. Vocabulary, Arie, astutely defines it as amazing.  And he is amazed that he can be in this amazing city with these amazing women.  Is this season over yet?

Chris Harrison sits Arie down for a little H2H and calls him out on his anxiousness.  He’s halfway through and can really see a life with a lot of these women.  He is struggling because they’re all so amazing.

Chris soon lets the girls know that there will be four dates this week... two one on ones, a group date, and the dreaded two on one which has Krystal’s name all over it.

Lauren gets the first one on one and she hopes he opens up with her as much as she plans to open up with him.  They may get to question 5 of hers and learn what each other’s favorite animal is.  Arie is a smitten school boy with her.  He dotes on her in ways that he doesn’t with the other girls.  However, this date is PAINFUL...

They’re strolling through a market and REALLY not Talking.  With the exception of a “wow” coming out of Lauren’s mouth every so often, it is an awkward af tour of the city.  Crickets.  I’m actually pacing because I am having anxiety over this disaster.  Someone should have given her a shot of tequila before this date.  Arie even says to the camera that he gets the sense that she’s just not that into him.  

They sit down to dinner and he tells her that he has a crush on her (duh).  He also says that he needs some validation from her.  Slowly, and painfully she starts to share some of her life.  She was engaged before, her parents don’t have the best relationship, etc.  Arie shares that his most serious girlfriend was pregnant with his child.  She lost the child and then the relationship was over.  Quite the share there Arie boy.  Lauren said, “wow”, to this, but these two did connect on another level in this horribly painful date.  Let’s just say there will be no reality spinoff of this relationship.  She gets the rose and Arie said he really likes when she lets him in.  Lauren stares blankly with her smug closed mouth smile and says she’s “ecstatic”.  Hmmm ok

It’s time for the group date with Becca, Bekah, Tia, Seinne, Chelsea and Jenna.  These lucky mf’ers get to go to the Moulin Rouge.

Yep, that one.

The girls are given choreography to learn a little number and find out that one of them will get to go on stage that night and perform with Arie,  Miss Janet provides Arie with her critique as they learn, but ultimately it’s Arie’s decision and the dancing portion does not weigh in to the rose giving.

The girls have fun with it.  Seine is an amazing dancer (what can’t she do), Jenna is a grown up Jon Benet at a pageant (too soon?!?), and Tia can’t tell her ass from her elbow with the moves.  They get in their costumes, complete with thongs and have their moment.  

For your listening pleasure

They head to a cocktail party of sorts.  Tia tells him that she’s still falling for him and that she daydreams about him.  Bekah shares some laughs and they question if it’s just kissing or “french” kissing while in France.  

Bekah ends up getting the rose for their easy banter (and stage presence).  All the girls get to watch her perform.  They are less than thrilled, but Bekah owns the stage even though she looks like she’s taking a stroll with her dad.

Back at the hotelship... 

Two women one rose, one stays, one goes... we’ll always have Paris.  Krystal was born ready for this.. she’s wife material, hot wife material.  Kendall represses her eye rolls well and knows she has to be the Krystal slayer.  Or at least pull a shorty Alex, and get this season’s Chad out of the house.

Kendall, Krystal, and Arie go to some castle in the French countryside and are tasked with finding Arie in a large grass maze.  I’m getting major ‘The Shining’ vibes and am actually more frightened of Krystal than Jack Nicholson.  Krystal is the winner in finding Arie and decides after some kisses that she should let him know that Kendall has never been in love, nor is she ready for it.  She smiles, as she’s priding herself on preparing properly for the date.  Her gloves are off and her palazzo pants are on.

Arie tells Kendall what Krystal said.  She said she is ready for love, and it’s the needing of someone to bring that out of her.  She is mature beyond her years.  Arie likes her and respects her.  

While Arie is reflecting Kendall expresses her displeasure that Krystal talked about her to Arie.  In the largest sign of respect/maturity, she moves closer to her and called her out.  When she feels like she’s not winning, she does negative things.  She called her calculated and a suppressor of her emotions.  Krystal stares blankly and wants none of Kendall.

Shockingly Arie needs more time to make this decision and also #ratings, so they head to dinner.  There he realizes the cray cray needs to go.

Arie gives some song and dance about using logic and going with your instincts. He sees a lot of promise in his and Kendall’s relationship and asks if she’ll accept the rose.  He then turns to Krystal and says he’s very sorry and shakes her hand.  Kendall and Arie leave and Krystal is left staring off at the Eiffel Tower.  A far cry from poor Olivia and her island isolation.

Krystal is FLOORED, just floored.  She had no idea that this was coming and thought she had connived her way to see another day.  Back at the hotelship, the ladies pop some bubbly as her bag gets taken away.  Ding dong the singsongy witch is dead.  Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Jacqueline is funny, like really funny.  Why they didn’t show anything of her until this date is unbeknownst to me.  She’s also super nervous.  She feels like she was given a pony for Christmas, but if you don’t learn to ride it by the end of the date it will be shot.  A better analogy has never been made.

Arie picks her up in a mini convertible that must not have been cranked enough times and it breaks down about 100 feet into their journey.  They end up calling a cab and getting dropped off at some high end fashion store.  She’s goofy, but has intelligent things to say.  They have an easy flow and I am surprised how great this date is going.  They end up buying a black dress and they head to dinner at Maxim’s.  

She admits she didn’t know if she was an experiment for him or someone that he was actually interested in.  He admits that he thought she was far too intelligent for him.  #truth  They get to business and she fills him in that she has six more years of school left.  He doesn’t want her to not follow her dreams.  In every SINGLE way it sounds like she will be going home because their lives just really didn’t sync.  But, Arie pulls out the rose and asks her to stay.  They’re cute, but this isn’t gonna work.

Time for the rose ceremony and is that Tia or Brian Boitano in that sequined jumpsuit?!?

Arie sends Jenna home along with Chelsea.  She’s surprised, but it didn’t seem like that was going to work.

Power Rankings

1 - Lauren (+3) - most boring couple alert

2 - Bekah (-) - he likes this little one a lot

3 - Tia (-2) - only brought down some notches for that jumpsuit

4 - Kendall (+2) - dark horse is coming in hot

5 - Jacqueline (+3) - literally out of nowhere

6 - Becca (-1) - she needs a date stat

7 - Seinne (-) - I don’t see it, but I love her

[thebachrehash]

I wasn’t hiding, I was investing in myself

When I think of falling in love, I think of Paris, I think of Venice, heck I even think of the Mt. Airy lodge, but Ft. Lauderdale? nah not so much.  With that said, they’re trying to make Ft. Lauderdale happen, and the W there was a ton cheaper than the one in Miami.

Arie is cruising on the promenade with some retirees looking on, and he arrives at the beautiful W to check in on his biddies.

He shimmies his little heinie into the couch and personally invites Chelsea on this week’s one on one.  She’s ecstatic and can’t wait for Arie to get to know Chelsea the woman and not Chelsea the mom.

They climb aboard a yacht and within moments they’re making out and “titanic’ing” on the bow.  They straddle each other on a jet ski, and the girls watch from their balcony with their pirate’s telescopes,

They change and get back to shore and go to a car museum for dinner.  Did I mention that Arie is a racecar driver?  The place is actually pretty cool and they jump right in to the tough questions.  Arie (thankfully) pries into her past to learn about her baby daddy.  

A little reluctantly, Chelsea shares that she got caught up in a life that seemed perfect.  He was older and wealthy and he swept her her off her feet. Sadly, when their son was six months old he packed up her stuff in garbage bags and left her for a younger woman.  I had to see a picture of this guy (here you go)

I was hoping for a much older looking man with maybe a face tat, but I suppose this will do.

Props to you for sharing, Chelsea.  And negative props for you, Arie, for not knowing what to say except, “God, that must be so, like, tough for you,” and launching your tongue down her throat.

Chelsea, of course, gets the rose and they attend what feels like the 400th awkward concert of the season.

Maquel is back and the girls are very happy to see her.  They receive the group date card... There’s not a moment to spare.

Tia is pumped, slash popping rolaids because it means she has the other one on one this week.

The rest of the girls (Bekah, Becca, Jenna, Kendall, Lauren, Krystal, Ashley, Maquel, Seinne, Jacqueline, Ashley, & Marikh) get ready in their best “day casual” and head to the local bowling alley.

The cameras cut to Arie prepping for their arrival, and this happens.

Has the kissing bandit gone rogue?  Is he in withdrawal from not sucking face in the last few hours.  He needs to be doused in purell and given a knuckle sandwich.  The dude does not abide during flu season.

Arie instructs the girls to pick their own teams, and the Spare Roses and Pin Ups are formed.  He lets them know that the winning team will get to spend more time with him, but the losers will be sent home.  

Krystal leads the Spare Roses in a pre-bowl prayer addressed to her higher power, her dogs, Wayne and Chucky.  Strangely it works, and the Spare Roses win.  It was a clear victory and they felt they should and would be rewarded with the coveted five on one date.

Buuuuuuuuut.... Arie had different plans.  He felt bad that he would take time away from the other women, so he opens the date up to all of them.  The other team is pumped, 80% of the other team is cool with this, but Krystal is livid.

They pack it up and get on a bus to go get ready.  Apparently some major shit went down on the bus and the page that didn’t film this was fired faster than that false missile blower in Hawaii.

Through a whole lot of talking, we learn that Krystal is pissed af and felt like his change in inviting the losers to the date should have been a decision he made with the winners, as a couple?  He backed down on his word and she doesn’t see how he could possibly do that.

So, instead of getting ready, Krystal puts her comfy robe on, has a hissy fit, and declares she’s not going to the cocktail party.

Before the girls head upstairs for their date, she lets everyone know that her bags are packed.  Kendall asks if she is giving up on Arie now, and she just says how hurt she is.  Thank god “hurt” isn’t the secret word of the day.

Arie greets the girls upstairs and has to be told that Krystal isn’t there.  He doesn’t really seem to care, but then listens to the stories from the girls and is pissed that his character is being questioned.

Alas, the puppetmaster gets what she wants and has some alone time with Arie.  He goes downstairs and she tells him that she doesn’t feel ok about his decision and she is very hurt.  In his best Danny Tanner, he lets her know that this isn’t over and he isn’t mad, but he IS disappointed and that she’ll be grounded for the night.

The girls are relieved to have Arie back, though slightly pissed that he didn’t send her home right then.

Kendall steals him away first and they have some weird ass chemistry that won’t quit.  Becca is next and she is pissed that the Krystal drama took away from her time to shave her legs, but their spark is still there.

Oh wait, why is Krystal putting mascara on?!?!

Biatch be cray!  Right as Bekah is leading the girls in a mock prayer, Krystal arrives like nothing happened.  The girls address her and she said she didn’t come to be attacked.  Baby Bekah does her best nanny and reverses the situation on her.  “YOU said you weren’t coming to the party, and here you are.... are you going back on YOUR word?”  

Lauren can’t handle it and gets up and walks away and somehow diverts Arie and takes him away.

Krystal decides it might be best to leave... um yea

Lauren and Arie find a cozy nook and she says she wants to play a game called 20 questions.  We learn she is a boujee b as her favorite color is burgundy and she drinks her coffee with coconut milk.  Arie likes his light and sweet, though he wishes he could say, “black.”  Hmmm... that’s about it.  Then they make out.

Lauren gets the group date rose after that effervescent conversation and Ms. Burgundy is a little smug.

It’s time for Tia’s one on one date, and she get’s a little more Floribama than Florida, but she fits right in.  The two of them explore the everglades and see a couple crocs, a turtle, and stumble on a house made on stilts with a man that hasn’t had social interaction with others in approximately 14 years.

He turns out to be sweet and invites them in for some fried catfish, frog legs and deep fried corn on the cob (yum)

This didn’t happen, but that’s one of my favorite videos.

Tia and Arie snuggle on a porch swing and connect.  She’s sweet and feeling it.  She can’t make eye contact because she’s nervous to tell him how deep her feelings are.  They make out a ton and I can’t help but think that that man is watching from behind a curtain somewhere.

They head out to a little marina restaurant for dinner and we learn that she is “Doctor Tia”.  She got her doctorate and works with the elderly.  With her job, she could really go anywhere. If America didn’t love her before, we all love her even more, and beg her not to go to Scottsdale.

She brings up religion and is shot down as Arie is not really into a higher being because he’s lost a lot of friends being in the racecar industry.  Tia says she can accept this if there are reasons, but she’s already thinking of how she will possibly explain this to her daddy.

Religion aside, she lets him know that she’s falling in love with him.

Tia is here for awhile, and for that I am happy.

Conversely, watching the women back at the hotel I am contemplating which I currently despise more... Krystal or my crockpot.

We learn that Krystal has been holed up in her room for the last 2 days.  In reality, she wasn’t hiding, she was just investing in herself.  She’s gonna do what she needs to do to be sure he knows that and that she gets a rose.  She lets the camera know, that haters gonna hate and she throws some imaginary glitter.  Whatever she is on should immediately be taken off the market.

Kendall pulls Arie aside at the cocktail party and breaks out her book of questions that put Lauren’s to shame.  She asks Arie to pick a number and she opens to the token cannibalism question (what?!?!).  Arie said unless it was of dire need he would not dine on another human, Kendall admits that she would out of curiousity,  This strangely makes her even more endearing and they make out some more.

What goes on.

Krystal asks the girls to speak to her privately if they would like to speak about her.  Kendall goes and rationalizes with her, very maturely, and shares why the girls were so upset with her.  Krystal still doesn’t get it and I just want to give Kendall props and a hug.  Somehow, Season 22 reveals the cannibalistic, taxidermy enthusiast to be the voice of reason.

Tia and Bekah join in, and Krystal just doesn’t see it.  She goes to find Arie.

Krystal tells Arie that she’s emotionally invested in him and she’s not sure how to handle it.  Arie tells her that if bowling brought this out in her, the real world is gonna be one helluva surprise.  Krystal then reveals this week’s trigger... we’ve had bumper cars, we’ve had dogs, and now we have bowling alleys!  She grew up in a bowling alley and this brought about a ton of emotions.  Papa Arie sticks to his guns and said this brought him a couple of steps back.  She whiningly says, “This is our first fight.”  Arie, with the most sign of life of the season, rebuts, “This could be our last fight.”

I can’t help but note that Arie is becoming grayer by the week.  Maybe he was heavily doused in Just for Men dye back in LA, but he is graying faster in 5 weeks than Obama did in 8 years.

At the rose ceremony, we say good-bye to Ashley that I feel like was cool but had 4 minutes of air time, the glamshamed Marikh and Maquel who hopefully at least got some miles for coming back.

Krystal, this season’s villain, will certainly be on a two on one date next week and then hopefully they let Arie say adieu.

Power Rankings

1 - Tia (-) can we just call you the next bachelorette already

2 - Bekah ( +2) she is actually proving mature beyond her years

3 - Chelsea (+3) mama bear slayed this week, sorry we didn’t like you the first week!

4 - Lauren (-2) she’s a snooze, but he digs her

5 - Becca (+2) she’s due for another date, or some time

6 - Kendall (-3) do not sleep on this one, or at least sleep with one eye open

7 - Seinne (-3) too mature for this ish

8 - Jacqueline (+4) never forget when she almost drank her pee

9 - Jenna (-) I don’t know if she’s drunk all the time, or if this is her

10 - Krystal (-2) only six more sleeps (hopefully) until she’s done

[thebachrehash]

I’d drink my pee for Arie

We’re back in the mansion and find Bekah playing Marco Polo by herself in the pool while the rest of the house is talking about the elephant in the room - her age.  None of the other girls can imagine that this will work out with the 14 year age difference.  I don’t disagree, but those 13 months that some of the others have on her must have been very #eatpraylove because they be throwing stones in a glass house.

In comes Chris Harrison to announce that there will be no date in Los Angeles... no ladies, pack your bags, you’re going to Tahoe!  

They arrive at a beautiful mansion on the lake and Kendall is in taxidermy heaven.  Arie speaks to the camera about the bonds one forms while traveling, hiking and spending times outdoors with someone.

The date card arrives for the beautiful Seinne.... “Let’s let our love soar.”  They hop on a boat and are soon in the air parasailing.  The girls can see them with their clutch binoculars from the house and are v jealous.  Cue an abundant amount of metaphors about the wind symbolizing the highs, lows, peaks, and valleys of Arie’s relationship.  Let’s see where the wind takes them.

I’m bored... when is Bekah gonna tell him how old she is?!?!

Arie and Seinne get back to solid ground and have a nice little picnic.  Seinne asks REAL GROWN ASS questions... it’s almost like she is seeing if SHE would want to marry this man.  #godspeed  They talk about Arie’s family and she is SUCH a good conversationalist.  At dinner she confesses she didn’t see love stories with girls that looked like her growing up.  Arie caresses her chin and says, “This could be our love story.”  

She obvs gets the rose and they get to attend a Lanco concert (who I looooove)

While they were away, Maquel sadly gets the call from her mom that her grandfather had passed away.  She packs up and heads out.  Not sure if she is out out, or just gone for now... tbd

The group date card arrives... “Will our love survive?”

Chelsea, Krystal, Marikh, Becca, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Brittany, Lauren, and Caroline all head out for a crash course in nature.

First up from their guides... pee in a canteen... and then drink it.

Arie pulls the oldest trick in the book and knocks back some applejuice when the girls think he’s really drinking his pee.

The girls are grossed out, but Jacqueline seizes this moment and gets ready to drink her own pee.  Fortunately, Arie stops her.  Maybe not the best way to get attention there, lovey.

Kendall rocks the early portion... she chomps on some maggots, toasts with some worms and then steals him away for smooches.  Nature girl is everything.

This large ass crew then breaks into smaller groups and they set off on a hike.  Marikh is not cut out for this and is brushing her hair throughout.  I later learn that this is called “glamshaming” and for that I am sorry, not sorry.

As all hikes typically do, this one ends in a hot tub with champagne.  The ladies hop into their bathingsuits and cattily watch one another.  Caroline and Tia pretend to be a couple while they look at Krystal and Arie.  Krystal can’t believe the immaturity and desperation of the women around her.  Her voice and personality have officially worn on everyone.

They all go back to the cabin and Arie does his best camp counselor and does a a little high low of the day.  What did you like about today?  What made you scared?  #missingannaliese

Arie takes Lauren away first and he tells her how he loves a strong and independent woman.  They talk about growing old and ugly together and he tells her that he’s gonna have to take her on a date.  How this dude must feel with this power!

Arie tells Kendall that she was very brave.  He likes that she’s quirky and a little weird and they have some strange chemistry.  Secretly I think he wants to get it on with a stuffed moose watching.  

Krystal pulls him away and tells him that she has a mix of emotions.  She feels like there is a target put on her back.  She is over everyone and beyond this – they don’t kiss, but they have a hug.  She’s simply floored with the immaturity. 

Krystal then asks to “steal” Caroline and Tia.  She wants them to know that she didn’t like how she was treated in the hot tub.  Caroline and Tia delicately let her know that she’s an a-hole.  When she feels like other people are doing better, she attacks.  The girls are pissed that she spoke to Arie about them and would jeopardize something, but ultimately call her out on her insecurities and let her know that she’s not aware of how she makes other people feel.

Shortly after, Arie pulls Tia aside and she breaks down a little, but says her focus is him and not the house drama.  #smartgirl  Arie digs her and they were able to connect instead of just makeout.

Much to Krystal’s displeasure, Tia gets the group date rose along with an invitation from all viewers to be her new bff.

And finally, Bekah is ready for her one on one with her signed permission slip from her parents.  Arie takes her away for some gorgeous horse-back riding which ultimately leads to, you guessed it, a hot tub.

They connect really well, and there is major chemistry in everything that they do and say.  In fairness, Bekah is mature beyond her years.  She asks deeper questions and really knows how to play Arie like a fiddle.  But, like come on already... let’s talk about her age!

Finally when they get to dinner, they talk about what they’re looking for.  Bekah in her 23940938th mock turtleneck of the season, says, “Wait, do you know how old I am?!?”  When she holds up two 2′s and says she’s “this many”, Arie’s face literally crashes.  He enjoys waking with the sun and going to bed early.  (Still sure he was the right choice ABC?)  He isn’t sure she is ready at this point in her life to settle down and he doesn’t want her to miss out.  But, at the same time he is willing to give it a go and hopes he isn’t disappointed.  Clearly, he is going to be disappointed, but I don’t think any of us are ready to see Bekah go yet, so good job.

To assure Bekah that he’s not letting her go, he grabs hold of her face through her hoop earrings that she just purchased at Justice.  Baby Bekah, not willing to forgo her earlobes accepts the date rose and is here another week.

Later, at the mansion, the ladies anxiously await Arie’s arrival for the cocktail party.  Much to their chagrin, in walks Chris Harrison to let them know that there will be no cocktail party, but they will instead head straight to the rose ceremony.

Most are shook, but no one more so Krystal.

As the ladies line up and Arie walks out ready to give the first rose, Krystal interrupts and asks to pull Arie aside.  Always a gentleman, slash being egged on by the producers, Arie obliges.  Krystal basically sings a whispered limerick about her being here for him and that she needs for him to know this.  He thanks her and they head back in,

The girls are sitting, sans heels and the game of hate on Krystal has just been brought to the next level.

At the end of the ceremony, we say good-bye to sweet Caroline and her fab commentary along with Brittany who never really recovered from that concussion.

Power Rankings

1 - Tia (+3) - he digs her and she is here to stay

2 - Lauren (+5) - the attraction is there for them and they’re ready to grow old and ugly together

3 - Kendall (+5) - that taxidermy tho

4 - Seinne (+6) - solid one on one under her belt

5 - Bekah (-4) - now that he knows her age, it’s just a matter of time until he realizes it’s probs not gonna work out

6 - Chelsea (-4) - when did she become the voice of reason?!?!

7 - Becca (-3) - came in hot, slowly slipping a bit - she needs more time

8 - Krystal (-3) - we just have to stick with her until there’s an island they can leave her on

9 - Jenna (-) - she’s cray, but I love her and her eyebrows

10 - Marikh (+2) - shaming on the glamshamer

11 - Ashley (+3) - please get in front of the camera

12 - Jacqueline (+2) - you literally almost drank your pee

[thebachrehash]

The devil is working OT, man

It’s always fun to have a villain.  It’s always easier to hate on the same person than to realize the harsh reality that you’re dating the same man as everyone else in the room.  Thank you, Krystal, for being that person, #thingsthatmakeyougohmmm

The date card comes for the first group date and... It’s all about the RING!

The ladies (Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B, Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibiana & Krystal), donned in their best athleisure apparel, find out that they will be wrestling each other in the aptly titled GLOB - Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor.  They’re introduced to two “mature” members of the GLOW franchise who are going to teach them the way.

In an attempt to get the girls to put their game faces on, they try to rattle them.  One of them asks Bibiana if her mom knew how to spell when she named her.  Homegirl is NOT having that.  But, her name is spelled rather phonetically - so zero points to the elderly.  Then the other one tries to take out Tia’s extensions and that shakes her hard.  Bibs and Tia have a timeout and cry, but eventually decide that sitting out is the wrong thing to do and they rejoin the group.

They all get donned in pretty sexy costumes, except for Maquel that drew the shortstraw of “lunchlady” complete with a hairy mole.  

But, before they can take the ring, in comes the ghost of bachelorette past - Kenny (you know, the wrestler that loved and missed his daughter a lot).  So here we have a pro-racecar driver and a pro-wrestler in a ring.  Two pros, with quite a bit of time on their hands... but whatevs.  Kenny throws Arie around like a ragdoll, but Arie proves victorious when he makes a precarious through the leg grab at Kenny’s grundle and is able to bring him down.

The ladies perform well, though some of the acts turn into low budget porn.  Marikh and Lauren B pretty much slow dance, slap each other, and flash some skin.  Bekah is a whipping beast and Krystal may have given Jacqueline the second concussion of Season 22.

Post match, they all change and go have their group date.  Krystal immediately pulls Arie away.  In her sing-songy raspy, baby voice, she asks if she should continue to be so aggressive.  Arie, not knowing/caring/having a personality, says she should do what she wants and, you know, continue to be an a-hole, because she’s wonderful and amazing.

Bekah comes back as a smitten kitten after her alone time.  Krystal is visibly shook, and you can actually see her reassuring her self in her head that she’s the #1.  Bibiana uses her time to commit the #1 Bachelor cardinal sin and speak about Krystal.  Arie could give a shiiiiiit.  Bekah ends up getting the group date rose, because she was wonderful and amazing.  Buy this boy a thesaurus stat.

Back at the mansion, Lauren S. gets the one on one date card.  You had me at Merlot.  Proving she’s more than just good looks, she deduces to the camera, “I think it has something to do with wine.” 

Lauren hops on that private chartered plane and the two head to wine country!  #neversawthatcoming  I can’t help but know that this date is destined for failure when Arie continually refers to her as Lauren S.  His Becca(kah)s don’t get an initial when he talks about them.  Who’s the detective now.

While Lauren S is whisked away, Krystal confesses to Marikh that she gets majorly hated on by girls.  She’s just a little too popular and it’s really not her fault.  Marikh does a good job of pretending she cares.

Back in Sonoma, this date is awky af.  Lauren S confesses to not being in a romantic situation in a long time and sorry girl, it shows.  Arie shares that he goes to bed early #preach.  Lauren S does too!  That was pretty much the only thing they had to talk about.  At dinner she word vomits and tries to make conversation and the editing department really outdid themselves in being sure we saw this.  In shocking news, Arie ate his food... is this a bach first?!?!?!  Arie called the date mid-dinner and sent Lauren S home via uber some 400 miles from her belongings.   

But, alas, the date is not over and Arie is forced to walk solo through the concerto concert being held upstairs with a rose in his hand.  wtf

The final group date card arrives and reads, “Love can be ruff”.  If only Lauren S. was there to help them interpret!

Well cue the doggies.  Group date #2 (Annaliese, Ashley, Becca, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline & Chelsea) begins in a park with a slew of dogs.  They find out that they’re going to perform at the Grove for children and do tricks with the dogs.  

They’re all super pumped.  Well everyone, except for Annaliese.

Turns out that the tumultuous bumper car incident of 1988 wasn’t the only experience that induced adult onset fears in her.  Annaliese shares that she almost had her eye gauged out by a dog.  Cue some B roll footage of a little girl (almost) getting attacked by a small puppy.  Oy

The woman have to put on some costumes to get in character and arrive to find Fred Willard there, throwing around doggie style jokes.  He’s like the old man that knows it’s a funny thing to say, but doesn’t really get it.  Bless his heart.

Chelsea is first up on stage and she has about as much stage presence as Olivia.  Eerily so

Turns out, no one is really great with the dogs and after all the hoopla the performance portion is rather rushed through.  Important to note, Annaliese didn’t even get to perform.  She was delegated to the role of pooper scooper and was pretty much barked at by the children any time a dog dropped a deuce.

Post dog show, they gather for their sister wives date party.  Chelsea speaks about her son and how it can be hard, but she is really trying to be her best self.  He digs her.  Caroline gets some air time and they have their first kiss.  Ashley shows her face (bravo) and Becca and Arie still have some great chemistry.  Chelsea ends up getting the group date rose and is given validation that being away from her kid is worth it on this journey towards love.

For the cocktail party, Bibiana seems to have filled out a form and rented a cabana and telescope.  However, everyone else at the cocktail party uses her “set” and she is livid.  

Arie gets Tia some moonshine and wanted her to know that he cares and saw that she had a hard day.  He plants one on her after saying that the moonshine tasted like gasoline “in a good way”.  I kind’ve think we need to worry about our pal Arie with this Tide pod epidemic.

Annaliese is desperate to have time with Arie and have her first kiss.  They speak for about 2 minutes before she’s interrupted.  She then goes and puts on her big girl spanx and some concealer and decides that she needs to go find him, again, to say that she wants to be kissed,  In a, how do I delicately break your heart way, Arie says that he doesn’t really feel the connection and asks if he can walk her out.

We sadly say goodbye to Bibiana at the rose ceremony.  She, and her commentary, will deeply be missed.  But good things come to those whose names we remember from the bachelor franchise.  Bibiana will be back soon in the Winter Games and I can’t wait to use her bibiana15 code shortly on all of the things she’ll start to sell on insta.

Power Rankings

1 - Bekah (+1) - she doesn’t need him and that makes him want her more.. so good, so good

2 - Chelsea (+1) - she’s committed and are we actually watching her mature before us?!?

3 - Tia (+3) - she had a moment and he genuinely cared

4 - Becca (-3) - only gripe is that she’s too normal

5 - Krystal (-1) - shorty needs a throat lozenge and we need some earplugs

6 - Caroline (+1) - made herself a contender this week

7 - Lauren B (+1) - last lauren standing - and can finally drop the “B”

8 - Kendall (+2) - didn’t have a date, but looks like they have fun together

9 - Jenna (-) - that straddle session tho

10 - Seinne (-5) - may have too much of her shit together for this whole thing

11 - Maquel (+2) - props on owning that wart

12 - Marikh (-1) - made it rain

13 - Ashley (+4) - got some air time and seems chill

14 - Jacqueline (+2) - had her best time with him to date, but they didn’t air any of it,.. couldn’t be that great

15 - Brittany (+1) - I think there are still some repercussions to that concussion

[thebachrehash]

She went to Yale, I worked at Pizza Hut...

Why does this show excite me so gd much?!?!?

We’re back in the mansion living room, and immediately Becca K. gets the first one on one.  She’s chill af, and seems a tad bit too normal for this show, which I like.  Arie takes her away on a motorcycle to his mansion.  She’s giving me hardcore heebie jeebies when she doesn’t have both hands securely around Arie’s waist.

Channeling my fears, but taking them to level 2039480932840239840 is Krystal back at the mansion, where she tells gory stories of accidents and strewn body parts.  I get it, girl... but it is at this moment that I realize who she looks like and I can no longer really listen to her.  Bindi mf Irwin... you’re welcome

Back on the date, Arie and Becca arrive and are greeted by Rachel Zoe.  Becca is thanking her mama’s genes that she is sample size as she gets to try on a crap ton of dresses that are gorg with Rachel, while Arie sits on the couch and acts like he planned this.  She’s later gifted ALL of the dresses, a spiky pair of Louboutins and some Neil Lane jewels.

Arie said he selected her because she is humble and would really appreciate this.  They’re a good match - they have good convo, really dig each other’s eyes in the sunshine, and share a nice kiss.  She’s then directed to go home, get dressed and come back.

Becca walks in the door all

(But not really) It's clear he chose the right lady for this date as the rest of her housemates are jumping her trying to see the shoes and all her other goodies.  Becca keeps it cool, gets dressed and heads back out for a lovely dinner (where no one eats obv).  They bond over their love of family and she gets the first one-on-one rose of the season... deservedly so.

While they’re away, a second one-on-one date card arrives at the house.  Chelsea is ready to stand and accept it, but low and behold it’s for Miss Bindi Irwin herself, Krystal.  She politely excuses herself to get some beauty sleep and the girls are wondering if her date card meant that she would meet his family.

Cue the next morning and it’s time for Krystal to board a mini-plane and head to Scottsdale with Arie.  There, they tour his hometown: his first job (Pizza Hut), his first kiss, and his high school.  The trifecta if you will.

He then takes her to his house, definitely staged for a realtor walk through... I can just smell the cookies.  They look through some photo albums and watch home movies.  It’s totally a sweet date... if I actually liked either of them.  Then, hold on to your hat, he takes her to meet the fam.  Low and behold, Krystal is the younger version of Mama L and things make a bit more sense.  The visit goes well and she seems to get an approval from his parentals.

They then get changed and head to probably the coolest dinner location I’ve ever seen.  Krystal opens up about her pretty crappy past, sheds some tears and Arie wipes them up with the petals of the rose lying on the table.  But, the date isn’t over yet and there is a concert outside.  Smooches are shared and you can actually see butterflies and hearts flying around Krystal’s head.  

The next day, Krystal is super aloof and not divulging any details to her housemates.  She thinks she’s being coy and starting a super secret society with Arie, but the other girls just find her to be a shady b.

It’s time for the Bashelor Demolition Derby.  The remaining girls (sans 2 Laurens, Jacqueline, and Ashley) are to spray paint some jalopies and essentially crash into each other until their car gives out.  

Cue the first true “millennial crisis” of the season.  Annaliese starts breaking down from a really bad bumper car experience.  She kept getting crashed into and felt so alone.  Girl, you were one of my faves

This date is awesome.  The girls are going hard and Brittany is railing into everyone like there’s no tomorrow.  Despite my need for a dramamine, I keep watching.  Sleeper Seinne pulls out the victory... literally out of nowhere.

They all head for some alone time with Arie.  Brittany can’t make it due to the concussion protocol of the Bachelor franchise.

In shocking news, Chelsea steals him first and shares that she has a son.  She’s a tad bit vulnerable and it’s refreshing.  She returns to the group and they kind’ve wtf her, but she keeps to herself the rest of the date.  Bekah has her first makeout with the kissing bandit and it’s intense.  Seinne shares that she went to Yale, Arie admits that he barely graduated high school (and there’s that mention of pizza hut again).

In the end Seinne gets the group date rose - for winning the day’s activity and for connecting with Arie.  She’s gorgeous and is totally glowing.

Bibiana is just tipping at the iceberg of her rage.  She got no alone time, doesn’t get this thing and wants to talk to the f’ing bachelor.  Mama needs to demolish another car.

Back at the mansion they have the pre-rose cocktail party.  There are four girls that didn’t go on a date this week, and Brittany that was in a neck brace.  Arie does his best to meet with them first, but knock knock.. who’s there... it’s not a joke, it’s f’ing Krystal interrupting them acting like she popped a bottle of valium and chased it down with some champs.

Bibiana is officially turnt.  She can’t believe she would interrupt all these girls when she has a rose and spent so much time with Arie.  She advises her to go do a little workout and meditate.  The beast is woke.

At the rose ceremony, we say good-bye to Valerie, Lauren G, and Jenny.  Thank you Jenny for telling Arie after you cried your eyes out that you weren’t sad about losing him, but you were sad about losing your new friends.  #precious 

Week 2 Power Rankings

1 - Becca (+2) - Slayed her date - solid

2 - Bekah (-) - Maybe Trump can get on getting her birth certificate

3 - Chelsea (-2) - She toned it down this week, but biatch be cray

4 - Krystal (+9) - Lordy lou, I am exhausted watching this one

5 - Seinne (+4) - So pretty, so smart - please keep her

6 - Tia (-) - She’s funny - we need more of her

7 - Caroline (+3) - Be aggressive - B-E Aggressive

8/9 - Laurens - The last of the Mohicans

10 - Kendall (+4) - She brought out the stuffed seal and he didn’t run

11 - Marikh (+4) - #hairgoals

12 - Bibiana (+6) - that hint of crazy keeps you for a few more weeks

13 - Maquel (-2) - Not so powerful without a racecar, huh?!?

14 - Jacqueline (-10) - Where you at girl?

15 - Annaliese (-10) - Stop trying to make bumpercarphobia a thing

16 - Brittany (-) - A kiss night one and no kiss night two is no bueno

17 - Ashley (-4) - I had to look up who she was AGAIN

[thebachrehash]

The hair is down, the boobs are out

The hair is down and the boobs are out and if I didn't know what I wanted on my next koozie, now I do!! Arie's back in full effect and we get to relive all of his heartbreak and journal penning of five years ago. I found him rather toolish then, and sadly still do.  I do see some hope in that salt and pepper mane, though.  Fingers crossed he surprises me. Have I mentioned that Arie was a race car driver? There are puns, so many puns. Race of his life, full steam ahead. We're gonna need a brake, but similar to the "on the wings of love" season, wheel let this ride out for now. (I hate myself for that one)

The producers introduce us to some of the ladies and essentially find their Achilles heel.  Chelsea - bitter mom. Bekah - the nanny looking to hook up with the middle aged dad when he drives her home, Krystal - feeding the homeless by day and operating a sex phone line by night. And we're off.

Chris meets up with Arie at the mansion and gives him a little tough love.  Why haven't you found love, you're no spring chicken, yadee yadee.  Bring on the ladies!

Caroline is first out in her fab white gown.  We learned earlier that she should hit it off with Arie as she grew up around cars.  Same girl... grew up in the 80's - cars everywhere.

Wait is that Guy Fieri rolling in from Flavortown?!?  No it's Bekah looking all Peter Pan and Rizzo having a love child in a cherry red sportscar. Not to be outdone Maquel arrives in a race car, looking badass af with her icy blonde hairflip.   Have I mentioned cars will be a theme?!?!

As the ladies all meet one another, there is an overwhelming appreciation of each other's beauty in a really sweet mature way.  That will change so, so soon and I can't wait to watch it crumble.  

In the end, 29 women are there: 4 Laurens, 3 Realtors, 2 Becca/kah's and 1 taxidermy aficianado.  Check plus.

Before Arie can have a sip of his cocktail from his well-spoken toast, Chelsea takes him away.  She instantly straps on the villain jacket and wants Arie to be sure he knows that she's there for him.  Cool story bro. Maquel steals him away, and Chelsea CANNOT believe this!  "Of course it's the loud one that revved her engine," she says in pure and utter shock. Brittany T takes him out front for a kiddie car race which is super cute.  I almost didn't think Arie would let her win.  She is granted with the fist kiss which had about as much fizzle as a pop rock. Jacqueline takes her time to a deep level and therapizes him (not quite sure that's a word, but I totally believed her).  Arie channels his inner Brittany and admits to not being a girl on Amanda's season, yet not yet a woman.  This is his time now - he's a real boy now.

Speaking of disney movies... here's Peter Pan, Bekah.  She's way cooler than I thought she would be despite her age being a secret... and then there's my innate jealousy that she doesn't have to wear a bra while rock climbing.  Arie digs her, but I'm not sure if it's in an "i wanna jump your bones kind've way" or an "i want to help you with your science fair project" kind've way.  We also sadly realize that we're officially not dealing with a full deck in that the three things that excite him the most are in fact EXCITEment, adrenaline, and pizza. Thank God he added pizza in there.  #redemption

The rest of the girls are getting antsy as Mr. Harrison puts out the first impression rose.  A handful haven't gotten any time yet. Before the rose even hits the table, Chelsea doubles down and finds Arie and "mysteriously" shoves her tongue down his throat.  What can I say, he digs it, she's gonna be good tv, and she gets the first impression rose much to the chagrin of the other 28 girls.

At the end of the day - there's no REAL drama.  No one is visibly drunk, though Jenna is a flighty mess and Krystal’s demeanor reminds me of that time I mixed an ambien with pinot grigio on a flight to iceland.

It's time for the rose ceremony...We say good-bye to some ladies.  I am ok with all decisions, but - DUDE, Arie.. you couldn't throw Jessica a first night rose?!?!  She had her dead father's approval - that was cold, bro.

My unscientific power rankings of the remaining

1 - Chelsea - she's here to stay until she's left on an island

2 - Bekah - here's to you Mr. Robinson

3 - Becca - she's super chill and brought notes from her mom - my mom would sooo do that

4 - Jacqueline - she's going to ask the hard questions and he needs that

5 - Annaliese - cute with the kissing bandit thing and she's chill af

6 - Tia - she gave the man a mini wiener - she has my heart

7 - Lauren B - because it's the bachelor and we need to have a Lauren B in the top 10

8 - Jenny - artsy and she clearly thinks Arie is a hottie in that sketch she made

9 - Seinne - cool name and super gorg

10 - Caroline - she brought pizza - we  know he likes pizza

11 - Maquel - she's gonna bring some great drama in her icy Elsa way

12 - Lauren S - super pretty, but didn't get much from her this episode

13 - Krystal - I am sad I picked her for my team because I should root for her to stay, but she annoys every ounce of my being

14 - Kendall - she has a stuffed seal - hmmmm

15 - Marik - the Indian Kimmy K 

16 - Brittany T - super cute, but didn't see too many sparks in that kiss

17 - Jenna - foot rubs, social media influencer - let's share a xanax

18 - Bibiana - I am excited for the meltdown that's coming via the preview

19 - Lauren G - pineapple is her safe word - I lol'd at that

20 - Valerie - I couldn't get beyond the yellow dress/red hair combo

21 - Ashley - I had to look up who she was - never a good sign