#beccakufrin | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thebachrehash · 6 years

Text

I don’t mind being assertive, I’m a Wilhelmina model

Ladies and gents, it’s time for the prerequisite “Shout the Bach’s name from the balcony” intro. “Becaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!”

We immediately jump in with the always charming Chris Harrison handing out the first group date card reading, “Ready for my big day.”

Clay, Nick, Chris, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln cheese grin their way to meet Becca at a mansion with her in a (gorg) white dress. She let’s them know that she wants to pamper the men like she was on her first date with Arie... because that went well. The men drop trou and Becca is officially ready to get back in the game. She calls Lincoln a block of muscle. Jordan, while doing the “pensive”, let’s her know that he is a male model, and that the largest tip he could give her any day is to put the confidence on in the morning before her panty hose. Not sure who’s wearing panty hose these days (besides my mom - hi, Kath!), but now we know.

The men roll out in their tuxes, to the poor man’s version of a Survivor obstacle course and are greeted by the poor man’s version of Ashton and Mila - Rachel and “not-Peter”, Bryan. They’re there to help host “Groomsday”, and they warn they will have to get dirtay.

In order to see if the men have what it takes to be marriage material, they will go through a strange obstacle course complete with standing in a cold tub of water and eating cake without their hands. Rachel (dirty, dirty girl) shouts it’s important to see, “what that mouth do.” Connor gets the largest kick out of it, as he sends it to Barstool.

Lincoln is in it to win it to reach his “beautiful princess” Becca. He is cheating. He is cheating blatantly. But, there are no rule keepers, this is the f’ing Bach. Well, there are no rule keepers except for tattle tale Chris who knows that he got in the bucket after him and left before him.

In a really messy battle for the finishline, Lincoln beats out Chicken David. He gets to plant a kiss on Becca and they take their wedding day picture. Seems innocent enough. If only it was.

Chris Harrison let’s them all know that EVERYONE will be able to attend the rest of the group date. Ya hear that Krystal.

So the men all convene at a round couch, and Lincoln steals his “wife” immediately as they “just got married”. He says something like, “she would only get the best from him when she gives her best and that makes them the best and he wants nothing more for her than the best.” Becca goes, “Hmmm, well that’s nice, I have something for you.” Thinking it’s the rose, Lincoln sits up all ready for Santa to come down the chimney. Instead, Becca brings a photo from their wedding day. It’s cute and Lincoln is very excited.

Lincoln returns to the men a smitten kitten and shares something about unicorns and Pegasus and a pot of gold, and prominently displays his prized possession, his photo of the two of them.

Connor is NOT having this. He thinks it’s a slap in the face that he would put this picture out. Bro, needs to chill a bit, but Lincoln is weird and being extra,

Meanwhile, Becca is bonding with the men.

Chris woos her in telling her that he wants to treat her the way he treats his mom and sister. David wants to be pushed intellectually and she couldn’t agree more. Clay is here for her and he wants her to get to know the real him.

Back at the couch, Lincoln is now kissing the picture of him and Becca. Connor throws it. Lincoln picks it up. Connor finally opens the door and frisbees it into the pool.

Lincoln, just a little dramatically, proclaims that his heart is broken. He starts to tear up, he was looking forward to sharing this with his mom. Picturegate has begun.

Back in the private lounge our Jean Blanc must be spraying some special, soothing scents onto Miss Becca. He lets her know that she is the missing part of his life and that she makes him feel so special. He takes all the courage from his ck one spritz, and tells her the only thing more beautiful than her smile is her lips. They smooch.

Before Becca can make it back to the other men, she is stopped by Lincoln. He lets her know that, not only did he lose his beloved picture, but he feels threatened physically. what.is.going.on

Becca pulls Connor aside on what has become a date in a pre-school. She is over it. She wonders if Connor is a roid-rager slash if this is his regular reaction. He agrees that it was way over the top. She said she’ll take some time to think about it, but it’s probably not the best time to get to know one another.

Becca gathers them all together and says it had definitely been an interesting and revealing night. Jean Blanc gets the group date rose. He tells her to pin it on the leather, “he don’t even care.” He’s so excited, it’s v. cute.

It’s time for Blake’s one on one date.

He’s pumped that he gets to roll out in a limo instead of on an ox. Small pleasures.

Becca fills him in that she has no idea what they’ll be doing as Chris Harrison planned this one. They get to the area that is a “little run down” and see Chris with a sledgehammer waiting for them. They’re asked to put on little work jumpers (Becca’s complete with a belt from Charming Charlie), helmets and Tims. Then, they’re both given their own sledgehammers.

They go inside and “TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?!”

This is where everything from Arie’s season went to die. Chris and, um what?!? Lil Jon let them know that they’re gonna get to destroy everything in the room. Immediately Becca climbs that racecar and smashes in the windows. This is FABULOUS.

Carrie Underwood would be proud.

I have zero idea why Lil Jon is there, but am so VERY happy that Blake is a “huge fan of his”. Sure you are Blakey boy.

The two of them proceed to make the whitest rap video ever, and Blake is so happy to see Becca so happy. I am cheese grinning my way through watching it.

Post wrecking crew, they sit down to dinner. They’re ridiculously comfortable with each other for just the first date. Blake shares his heartbreak over his most recent relationship where he thought he was with the one. In positive news, he said it was worth it, because now he knows what he wants, and knows that he is capable of loving like that. Becca empathizes. I am having a hard and fast therapy session with both of them. Through the pain, they have found so much strength that they never knew was in there. I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Blake clearly gets the rose, and states to the camera: “I have no idea how Arie let her go.” I love him.

It’s time for the second group date of the week... “Love comes at you hard and fast.”

Well it comes hard and fast, except for poor Jason and Mike who are the only dateless men of the week.

The men for Group date #2 (Alex, Christon, Colton, Garrett, John, Leo, Rickey, Ryan, Trent, and Wills), board a school bus and head to a gym where they are greeted with some fabulous, tyrannical child actors.

Becca, in her 24387948th metallic outfit of the season, informs that the men that they are going to be playing some good old-fashioned dodgeball. But first, these children will warm them up a la suicides (can we call them that anymore?!?) and pelting them with 70 mph dodgeballs; all while calling them TRASHHHHHH and somehow still making fun of Arie. These kids are amaze.

They get set for the game, and the team with Becca all make the wise choice to hide behind her. However, Christon don’t give a F and proceeds to belt Becca a number of times. Spoiler alert: this doesn’t work out well for him in the end.

The men and Becca then move on to skyzone, where they’re to play a large game of trampoline dodgeball in front of a v. confused crowd, Chris Harrison, and Fred Willard. Why tho?

Poor, pretty haired Leo is flying through the air and is in all his stuntman glory. However, the rest of his team, complete with a former pro football player, suck to high heavens. He is continually the only man left standing. After three rounds, the green team wins and gets a trophy.

In probably his only soundbite of the season, Alex snarkly asks if it’s cool to display the trophy to the pink team. Somewhere back at the ranch, Lincoln is crying again.

Becca gets her alone time with the men. Garrett and her dork out together, Leo gets a little romantical, and she compliments Wills style while he almost tears up talking about his parents’ 50th anniversary coming up. They share a kiss, and I think he kind’ve gave her his varsity jacket.

But, it wouldn’t be a group date without a bombshell.

Pretty boy Colton fesses up that he had a former relationship with Weiner, Arkansas Tia. Becca is visibly shook and doesn’t really know what to think. Did he come on the Bach hoping it would actually be Tia? Is he a fame whore? Is he a whore?

So many questions.

In the end, she gives the group date Rose to Wills and his uneven scruff. He’s happy, and Colton is nervous he’s gonna get the boot.

It’s time for the cocktail hour, and Becca is trying to not question what the f is wrong with all of these dudes. She said she’s a lot more emotional than she thought she would be.

Clay pulls her outside to show her how he would celebrate scoring a touchdown. Somehow he makes this boring, but he does score a kiss. Me, and all of America, can name at least 10 other tight ends we would rather see on this show right now. I’m looking at you, Gronk.

Venmo John pulls her aside and they make out. Connor puts his tail between his legs and gives her a picture of him. It breaks the ice and i think they’re cool now.

Chicken David is having what seems like a decently lovely conversation when Jordan decides it’s time to parade around in his undies and a pink furry blankie. Jordan interrupts and Becca is questioning Jordan. Is this a joke?

Post convo, Chicken David confronts Jordan and stutters when telling him he was being disingenuous. Jordan chooses this time to not only correct him, but to inform David that he’s the one being in-genuine-titty.

For the record, Jordan would also like everyone to know that he doesn’t want to be misrepresented as 007 all the time. He likes to live life on the edge, but while doing so he likes to have well kept hair. He’s multi-dimensional. He doesn’t mind being assertive, he is in FACT a Wilhelmina model. And he’d like to think he’d score a little higher than a typical male model on “that” test.

So, he wouldn’t light the cig at the gas station while sipping on his orange mocha frappuccino? You be the judge.

Before handing out the roses, Becca lets Colton know that she needs more clarity before getting to know him further. She has to think a bit. Colton is scared he’s going home. Obvs, he would NEVER, well not until we can get Tia to come on a date and make this some good tv.

At the rose ceremony we say good-bye to Alex (and that SUPER sad tearful good-bye), Christon (that’s what you get for pelting her with a dodgeball), Rickey and Trent.

Power Rankings

1 - Blake (+2) - Solid connection, I heart him

2 - Wills (+2) - There’s something there... he’s chill, and a fab dresser

3 - Garrett (-2) - Dropping for air time and his scandalous likes on the gram

4 - Jean Blanc (+9) - Coming in hot and smelling good too

5 - Chris (+10) - Coming back hot from being the tattle tale in Episode 1

6 - Leo (+6) - Thiiiiis close to getting the group date rose this week

7 - Colton (-5) - Bringing the drama with the Tia card, and yet still having a v-card? There’s no way he’s going anywhere soon.

8 - Jason (+1) - No date, but played it calm and cool

9 - Lincoln (-3) - I mean, they got married, but I want him to go

10 - Jordan (+1) - Literally, NOTHING in common, but I’ll keep him for his confidence and commentary

11 - Clay (-4) - Yawning

12 - John (-2) - Cashed in on a make-out... I’m impressed

13 - David (-5) - He’s geeky, but trying

14 - Mike (+5) - Tim Riggins is due for some time next week

15 - Connor (+1) - picturegate is over?!?!

16 - Nick (+5) - Hanging in the background

17 - Ryan (-) - Get your banjo out and play it man!

#bachelorette #thebachelorette #becca #beccakufrin #chrisharrison #bachelorabc #bacheloretteabc

2 notes · View notes

thefinalprose · 6 years

Text

Episode One: I Lost to a Chicken.

Well, here I am. Again. Long story short, I wrote recaps for several seasons and needed a breather. Good thing I took one because from what I’ve heard Arie’s season was about as exciting as the intro paragraph to this recap.

When the Bachelor suitor bios came out, I just couldn’t resist and decided to write about them. The response was enough of an ego stroke that I have decided to recap Becca’s season, just a little differently. This time, no one will edit for me; they may take a week to post (sorry this took so long, I was out of town) and I might write whilst enjoying a cocktail. Regardless, I promise the same judgmental snark.

The first episode of the season is always a fan favorite. We get to re-live the new lead’s sad story of heartbreak; we’ll likely see past contestants show up to offer advice on finding everlasting love on national television in less than 90 days and it’s our first official look at the new suitors as they arrive at the mansion. A few will do something over the top for attention; a few will be too nervous to form a sentence that makes sense and one will definitely get blitzed. And probably half naked.

As though I’ve watched this before, the episode starts with the (first) reminder that Arie dicked Becca over last season. He proposed, she said yes and during one of their secret romantic getaways before they could officially go public as a couple, he breaks up with her with cameras rolling so he could go be with the runner up from his season. Who he had already spoken to about the idea. I want to say I’m surprised ABC let this happen, but they stopped surprising me with bad ideas when they let Nick try (and fail) at love 107 times.

Becca arrives at the mansion to be greeted by Kaitlyn, JoJo and Rachel; the most recent Bachelorette’s who are there to inspire success as they are all still engaged to the winner of their seasons. JoJo says, “it’s about to be bigger and better” and I hope that’s a dig at fantasy suite Arie.

The Bachelorette’s sage the mansion and I wonder if anyone outside of LA knows what that means.

SUITOR PREVIEWS

Before all 25ish suitors step out of the limo, we are made privy to a few of the standouts from the season. A little teaser, if you will.

First up is Clay, a professional football player who doesn’t fucking cuss. As unsure as I am about a person that doesn’t swear, I’m more leery of an NFL player that needs The Bachelorette to find “love”.

Garrett, the guy who does Chris Farley impressions, is next and guess what? He does a Chris Farley impression that I bet you can’t guess I hate.

I do.

He lists off a bunch of made up winter activities he enjoys because, you know, Becca is from Minnesota and it’s always winter there.

We see Jordan, the guy who is definitely a self-proclaimed “Instagram model”, having a photo shoot. He shares that his “brand” is “the pensive gentleman” and I’m going to guess that’s also his Grindr handle. He claims being a male model is taxing because he has to go to the gym year round. I don’t see modeling in my future and I, too have to go to the gym year round. Check out my Instagram page; I talk about it every once in a while. He also says he can see him and Becca, in sweats, on a couch with a tub of chocolate and a chick flick which is definitely the rest of his Grindr bio.

Lincoln, who apparently was named after honest Abe, is seen walking along Hollywood Boulevard with a huge smile on his face. If you’ve ever walked along Hollywood Boulevard, you know that no one should be smiling. I don’t trust him.

Joe, the grocery store owner, has been practicing his grocery store humor and I’d like to check out.

I’m not even sorry for that terrible joke.

Jean Blanc, the guy who loves cologne enough to call himself a Colognoisseur, tells us he’s going to blow Becca’s nose away and I hope it’s because he’s bringing an eight ball to the mansion.

I was certain that the joke about Colton, another pro football player, would be about his YouTube date ask to Aly Raisman out but oh, was I wrong. The joke is that he’s wearing a velour hooded vest over a shirt with leather sleeves. You know those men who make too much money too early on so they spend it on really dumb shit? That’s Colton. Who let him wear this? Who recorded this video for him letting him wear this? Why does he own this? What is happening?

LIMO EXITS + INTRO’S

It’s time for the men to arrive at the mansion and of the first five men, three of them have said, “Let’s do the damn thing” which became annoying even before the season aired.

The next five all make a joke about Arie, because every woman wants to talk about her shitty ex with a potential new love interest.

The five after that are the five that met her at After the Finale Rose when she was announced The Bachelorette.

We are fifteen dudes deep and I’m pretty sure only one of these guys is wearing socks with his loafers. Is this a thing men do? Is there a reason for it? Gross.

David, the guy that loves guacamole but hates avocados, comes out in a chicken costume and makes more chicken jokes than I knew even possible and yet none of them are cock jokes. Impressive or disappointing?

Disappointing.

The rest of the entrances were actually pretty lame and I suddenly remember that there is a drink limit on this show now.

Once everyone has arrived, Becca enters the house to greet the suitors for the first time and the drama among the men begins. The Bachelorette is way more fun than The Bachelor because dude drama is so much more entertaining. Remember Shawn and Nick? JJ and Clint? Chad? Oh, Chad.

Clay, a professional football player who doesn’t fucking cuss, takes Becca aside to make dolls or something weird like that. John, the guy who created Venmo, immediately shares that he is the creator of Venmo because in San Francisco that definitely gets him laid every single time.

It’s Christon’s, the guy with a made up job and name, turn and he takes her outside to a basketball hoop, has her hold the ball above her head and then pulls a Harlem Globetrotter dunk move. I’m pretty sure every dude in the house has a semi after watching. I kinda do too, tbh.

Becca and Blake, the ‘modern romantic’, sit in front of the fire and do that thing where they hold hands, but not just with one pair of hands with both pairs of hands and I’m super annoyed by it. He wins her over by saying, “I just know that if I could love the wrong person so much [his ex], imagine how much I can love the right person” and I wonder how many times he Googled “quotes about love” before choosing that one to use.

Chris Harrison arrives with the first impression rose and now it’s time for the men to step up their game. And by stepping up their game I mean:

Lincoln, who apparently was named after honest Abe, gives her an ancient Nigerian bracelet and tells her she’s now part of the family. Nick, aspiring lead singer of a boy band, has a vibrating back massager that I am completely certain he uses for other things. David, the guy who showed up with chicken jokes wearing a chicken costume, asks Becca to do the chicken dance with him because this fucking guy still hasn’t run out of chicken jokes. Garrett, who showed up in a minivan, takes Becca to the pool to teach her to fly fish and what do ya know (said in an exaggerated midwestern accent) it makes Becca feel at home.

Chris, whose life goal is to retire by 40, has a dilemma and needs the advice of three dudes he just met. Apparently he knows Chase’s ex girlfriend who told him that Chase isn’t there for the right reasons. Chris is perplexed -- should he confront Chase about it? Remember when I said dude drama is hilarious? Exhibit A.

They have a boring confrontation about it and Chase runs to Becca to tell her. This is the least dramatic drama I’ve ever watched. Becca doesn’t understand the context, Chase brings Chris into the conversation and this is so dumb.

That conversation brought light to Becca that there may be men here with ill intentions and she shares that someone rubbed her the wrong way earlier in the night. Like all of us, she’s there to be rubbed the right way, so she wants to address it.

She asks Jake, a guy that she already knows as they have a shared friend group in Minnesota, to step aside to chat. She tries to send him home because in their several times of meeting he never pursued her and now wants to on national TV. He doesn’t make it easy for her and I’m afraid Minnesota will ban him for life like they did Arie.

There is a guy with a Harry Potter tattoo and this is why I feel badly for people who are trying to date. You have to worry about finding the perfect person only to realize he has a fucking Harry Potter tattoo.

Becca finally picks up the first impression rose and gives it to Garrett, the guy who showed up in a minivan. She leans in to kiss him and he goes for the cheek. She grabs him by the neck and he finally gets it. Maybe he really is Chris Farley.

ROSE CEREMONY

The only thing I don’t understand about the rose ceremony is how Joe was sent home. I still hope he’s the next Bachelor.

LINE OF THE NIGHT

“There are so many balls here” -- Becca, during the impromptu basketball game.

ELIMINATED

Jake, a guy that she already knows as they have a shared friend group in Minnesota,

Joe, the love of my life

Chase, a could-be serial killer

Kamil -- social media participant who I’m guessing won’t be participating in social media for a while after being sent home night one

Darius, who lives in the Valley

Grant, the electrician with electrician jokes

Christian, whose head was too small for his body

Okay, now I am going to watch episode two so the recap doesn’t take as long to post.

#thebachelor #thebachelorette #funny #tvrecap #humor #realitytv #beccakufrin #nickviall #comedy #writing

0 notes