thebanansta

[thebanansta]

archive mb for @grumpytth

[thebanansta]

If you enjoy my work, please consider supporting me on Patreon- Thank you!

[thebanansta]

Sprawling Floral Installations Spill Over Garbage Cans and Phone Booths on New York City Streets

[thebanansta]

cinemagraph artist on instagram

[thebanansta]

[thebanansta]

[thebanansta]

Early into 2020, I applied to a job that I thought I really wanted and that would elevate me in my professional journey.  I think if I remember correctly, I submitted it on a Wednesday evening (California time), I heard back and got an interview set by the following Monday, and had an interview a day later.  The interview seem promising and although I was lacking in some aspects of the job, I was confident and conveyed my confidence that I would be able to learn in the areas where I was coming up short. A month later, I found out that I didn’t get the job despite networking out and basically begging (or at least that’s what it felt like) others to vouch for me. To be disappointed was an understatement.  Every once in a while, I think about about that job and reminisce how ~naice~ it would have been to end my graduate school career with a job lined up.  좀 아쉽다.

But as I was washing the dishes in my Californian home today, I realized what a blessing it was that I didn’t get that job. This job that I so desperately wanted in January 2020 would have been rendered utterly useless with the pandemic that hit the U.S. 3 months later.

Although it took me about an additional 4 months to realize that, I am humbly reminded that what we cling onto and desire so longingly is sometimes not the “right” thing for us - no matter how badly we want it in the moment. No matter how much human rationale is made; we can’t see nor predict what the future holds and can foresee what are the true next steps that need to take place. 

Even though I am not sure what lies ahead, I do know I am blessed enough to have new opportunities and job prospects. My professional and personal journey did not end in February 2020. 

[thebanansta]

It takes a lot of courage to stop patterns of retraumatization. It takes a lot of guts to realize you have agency over who and what you are willing to struggle with, and when to walk away. Set appropriate boundaries while you heal. Protect your integrity by learning how to stand up for yourself. Value your well-being enough to stop continuing old ways of living that hurt you, minimize you, stifle you, or abuse you. When you’re stuck in a toxic dance, instead of waiting for the song to end, you’ve got to realize that sometimes the only way to make it end is to stop dancing. You’re allowed to walk away. You deserve to heal. Care for yourself and do whatever it takes to make that happen.

[thebanansta]

Life transitions are tough because it’s essentially impossible to smoothly relinquish whatever your norm has been and the role that went with that. It’s choppy and difficult because it requires flexibility, humility, and a deconstruction of how the pieces used to go together. With those pieces, you have to make something new–discarding old pieces that used to be necessary, but no longer are, and adding new pieces you aren’t familiar or comfortable with yet. That is tough.

[thebanansta]

Lauren Oliver, Delirium

[thebanansta]

when oscar wilde said 'i am tired of myself tonight, i should like to be someone else' and when sylvia plath said 'i wish i knew what to do with my life, what to do with my heart' and when rilke said 'this heavy humanness'

[thebanansta]

”Pink roses”

[thebanansta]

[thebanansta]

Makeup

My relationship with makeup has been quite a tumultuous one. I was definitely a late bloomer when it came to makeup, fashion, and being more put-together (in a sense). What started off as fascination then led to a shackle that I couldn’t hold to now, a sense of routine and comfort.  As I went off to college, makeup was the necessity that allowed for eyebrows to be on my face. Then as I entered my second year of college, I went through the worst bout of acne I have had ever experienced up until that point in my life. I had pimples and acne scars from my hairline to below my neck. Makeup was my refuge because my skin felt so unbearable to me. As I entered the latter half of my college years, makeup became the passageway to become more professional. When professional life began, makeup became routine, and it became something that would set my morning. Now, as I’m entering my 26th year, I recognize that it has become something that brings me joy and grounds me for the day. 

It’s so funny because I used to view wearing makeup as a sign of insecurity and being uncomfortable in your skin. I wrote Tumblr post after post talking about my desire to want to go outside and be comfortable without makeup. Some of that still stands, but all in all, I recognize that my beauty and self-worth are no longer tied to whether I wear makeup or not.  Makeup no longer holds the same power it has had over me since I was 16, but instead, it empowers me to do more and achieve more.

[thebanansta]

Lawrence Durrell, Justine

[thebanansta]

I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.

Haruki Murakami (via yesdarlingido)

[thebanansta]

Psychology is not just the study of weakness and damage; it is also the study of strength and virtue. Treatment is not just fixing what is broken; it is nurturing what is best within us.

Martin Seligman (via yesdarlingido)