thechangedlove

[thechangedlove]

I am dying to know if I ever cross your mind. If you ever care about the things I do. If you ever feel the special feelings for me. Because you know. you never tell it to me directly. You just keep me hanging and wondering what’s  the real score between us. And that sucks, you know?

[thechangedlove]

Undeserving

Someone once told me love comes to those who deserve it most. I guess for the past 115,084,800 seconds or 1,918,080 minutes or 31,968 hours or 1,332 days or 190 weeks, I have never deserved your love. 

[thechangedlove]

When you love someone, you open yourself up to suffering. That’s the sad truth. Maybe they’ll break your heart, maybe you’ll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable. That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly.

[thechangedlove]

Things

There are a lot of things I would like to say. Some of these things you may already know, but some may be new to you. I wish I had the courage to say this to you in person, but whenever I’m with you, my words always get caught in my throat. I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing and making it uncomfortable for both of us. I’m afraid of not being good enough for you. I’m afraid of disappointing you more than I already have. I’m afraid of losing the closest friend I have. But if we don’t take chances in life, what is there left to live for? So here’s my chance. You are beautiful You are smart You are cute You are funny You are kind You are perfect in every single way You are you I care about you I worry about you I don’t deserve you I want what’s best for you I want to be everything that I can for you I will always be there for you no matter what I love you.

[thechangedlove]

Making me sad.

It doesn't make me mad that she does these things. It makes me sad that she doesn't realize that being physical with someone isn't truly what it means to love them or care about them. I know because I was there once. I thought that just because we said we loved each other, that it made it okay to get intimate. What. A. Mistake. Was it fun in the moment? Yeah. Was it worth it in the end? Not at all. I would give anything to go back and prevent myself from doing that. It hurt me deep and permanently. I couldn't bear to see that happen to her. That's why I have always been so protective and always get on her case for stuff like this. If she goes down this road and ends up hurt from it, I don't know what I would do with myself. 

[thechangedlove]

Reasons

     I get asked every so often what I see in you and why I feel the way I do, but I always shrug off the question because I never really knew how to answer it. I put some time lately into thinking about this, and I was surprised yet not surprised at what I came up with.

     First with the obvious. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes on and you have an amazing body. That is not the only reason though, there is so much about you that is perfect in every way. You have the most amazing smile, seeing you smile can brighten up anybody's day. You have the cutest dimples and the best laugh. I try so hard to be funny and make jokes just to hear you laugh and see you smile. I love the fact that you don't take crap from anybody. That you're still pushing forward when other people would have turned back. And last, but I think the biggest reason, is your eyes. People use the expression "Puppy dog brown eyes" but you are on a completely different level. Looking into your eyes could make the hardest heart soften. Your eyes show all the pain and emotion that makes up you. I feel like it is almost a gateway into who you are as a person, and it is beautiful. I could sit and look into your eyes all day and I would never get tired of it. You are an amazing person, and are perfect in every single way, no matter what people may say. I believe that when God made you, he was proud at what he had done.

[thechangedlove]

I Tried.

Yeah you are the one I dream of, the one I worry about all the time, the one who goes through my mind all day. I lie there in bed just thinking of you and all the special times we could have together. I think of everything I have said and done, and all the things I wish I had said and done. And I try to determine how good of a person I was to you. I'm not sure if I was good or bad, all I know is that I tried.

[thechangedlove]

A change of heart.

I’ve been thinking the past few weeks. About us and the way I feel about you. And I’ve decided to sort of change that. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to change the way I feel about you, but I can change the way I see our relationship as friends. I would rather have the friendship we have now last forever than have something happen between us and pull us apart. I wanna see you almost as my sister. One who’s comfortable sharing your hurts and troubles. One I can care about and look after. Yeah I love you, but a relationship isn’t the best right now. So I’ve decided to change, and love you like I would a sister.

[thechangedlove]

I want you to myself

It seems as if I’m just a guy to you. But to me, you’re not just a girl. 
You’re everything. You’re not just the person I love. But you’re the only person I find myself wanting to talk to.You’re what I think about as I fall asleep and the first thing on my mind when I wake. You’re my best friend. You’re perfect in my eyes. And you’re the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. All this may sound ridiculous. But it’s the absolute truth. And every time you leave me, I feel pain. Every time we say goodbye, makes me miss you already. Every time you walk away, all I wish is for you to be by my side. But sadly… I’m not the “only one” like you are to me. And it kills me to think I’m not good enough. It kills me to think about you with anyone else but me. It kills me to think you don’t love me enough to just stay with me.. I wanted you 4 years ago.
 I want you now. And I’m gonna want you 4 years from now. But the only thing is... I want you to myself.

[thechangedlove]

Goodbye.

Life can take us in many directions. Some good, some bad. We go through some tough stuff, but what hurts the most is when the people closest to you or the people you care about the most turn on you. It makes you feel like everything you've done for them meant nothing. That you wasted four years loving them. Four years holding in my emotions. Then I finally told you how I felt, and I poured my heart out to you. And I feel like it got shrugged off like it meant nothing to you.

Whenever I hear about the way guys treat you, I cry.

I cry because I realize that these guys that treat you like a thing and not like a person. They don't treat you like the princess that you deserve to be. They don't see you the way I do. 

There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I wish you actually realize what I mean when I say that. I love you. I would climb every mountain in the world. I would give up everything for you. I would die for you, if it made you realize how much you truly mean to me.

[thechangedlove]

Thoughts before falling asleep

Thoughts racing through my mind. Was that the right thing to say? What should I wear tomorrow? I wonder what tomorrow will be like. Should I really say that to them?

All these thoughts and questions, coming to your mind when you are trying to slow down and rest. But what if we didn’t think these things. Our lives would be quite boring, us just floating by, not really caring about what goes on around us.

Thoughts of you come to mind. All other thoughts cease to make that moment last as long as possible. That thought of you, perfect in every way.

So many times I have wished that the thought of you was the last thing I thought about before falling asleep.

But then I realized. I’ll just think of you always to make up for it.

[thechangedlove]

Jealousy

A sentiment which is born in love and which is produced by the fear that the loved person prefers someone else.

Jealousy is a disease which many people suffer from. Although I do not believe its caused by an outside source, jealousy comes from the heart, from the inside of your soul. We feel jealous because we want an emotion to counteract the heartbreak we feel.

“Jealousy is the only vice that gives no pleasure.” -Unknown

“Jealousy is indeed a poor medium to secure love, but it is a secure medium to destroy one’s self-respect. For jealous people, life dope-fiends, stoop to the lowest level and in the end inspire only disgust and loathing.” -Emma Goldman

For a long time I was a very jealous person. The girl I was in love with was in and out of relationships with different guys, and I felt like I wasn’t good enough for her. I was jealous because I didn’t understand what they had that I did not. It angered me. Seeing the way they treated her hurt my heart, because I know I would treat her better. I know I’m not perfect, but I would do anything and everything for her if it meant I got to spend my life with her.

I realize that being jealous is not the way to be. I realize that instead of tearing myself apart inside about why it could never be me, I should try and make myself the person that would be able to give her my everything. To be able to love her always, through trials and things life would throw at us. No matter what it would require from me, I would be ready and willing to do it all.

So am I still a jealous person? Sometimes, but I try to be the best person I can be, for you.

[thechangedlove]

Making you smile

“Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.” -Mother Teresa. 

Smiles can brighten up even the worst of days. No matter how down on life someone may be feeling, getting a smile from someone may be all they need to lift their spirits.

You-

Seeing you smile is the greatest thing in the world. I love being able to be the one to make you smile or make you laugh even when you may be having a rough day. Although you may deny it, you have the cutest smile on the face of this earth. You sometimes make this half-embarrassed smile and it is the most amazing and cutest thing I have ever seen. You always play it off like no its soo bad. But it is truly amazing. Being able to make you smile means a lot to me. Being able to lift you up and make you feel loved and just happy is my favorite thing to do. 

They say smiles are contagious, so how about giving one back sometime.

[thechangedlove]

Unlimited

There is no limit To how much I can think of you For every thought directed, Reminds me of why I am here, To make you happy. But my only hope Is to put a smile on your face Forever and always

[thechangedlove]

Different dreams

I believe I dream differently that most guys my age. Especially about girls and relationships. The average guy dreams about getting laid with different girls and wakes up wanting just that. When I dream, they take a whole different turn. My dreams are about how I want the future to be. How I want MY future to be. When I dream about this girl, I dream about what it would be like if we were married. What our kids would be like. Where we would live and how we would live. I once heard a quote that went something like, “Dating without the intention of marriage is like shopping without any money. You just end up taking something that isn’t yours.” So I believe that dating without the intention of marriage is bad. Dating with the intention of marriage is where the most beautiful relationships come from. And that’s what I’m trying to do.

[thechangedlove]

Regrets

We all have regrets. Some regrets are small, and some consume our daily lives. No matter how hard we try, it lingers in the back of our minds, taunting us and tearing us apart. Putting those regrets behind us is one of the hardest problems we as people have to overcome. I know I regret many of the decisions I have made in the past. Those decisions I made tore my friendships apart. It made me lose a part of me that I can never get back. It destroyed the friendship between me and the girl I was madly in love with. The girl I am still madly in love with. Because of that, it distanced us and made her see me as impure. I hated myself for the decisions I made, and I didn’t know what to do.

But that was the past. We live in the now. Through grace and forgiveness, that friendship was recreated. Those thoughts and regrets still linger at the back of my mind. But I believe that they have made me stronger. I look back and think, “Yeah I screwed up. I feel bad for what I did. But I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I didn’t make those decisions.”

Regrets are part of our past. We live in the future.

Don’t try and change the things that define you.

[thechangedlove]

First Impressions

First impressions are like permanent markers. They never leave us, no matter what we try. Even after years, we still think back to that first moment we laid our eyes on you. That very first look, or that very first talk, stays with us as long as we know each other.

I remember that first day I met you. It was school spirit night, but I had stayed home. Your mom had stuff to give to my parents and had come over to my house. I remember opening the front door to see the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my entire life. Once I got words past my lips, a conversation started. I realized that you were the most amazing girl in every single way. As I lay in bed that night, not a moment went by without you on my mind. We started talking regularly as friends. You dated other guys, I stayed kind of a loner. So many times I wanted to tell you how I truly felt inside. But I could never bring myself to do it.

And that was my life for three and a half years.

Even after all this time, I still feel the same. You are everything to me, and I just want to be something to you.

All of this. Coming from that one night.

First impressions are so important. Especially to me.

Green and Gold night

November 24th, 2009~