thedefinitionofdumbass

[thedefinitionofdumbass]

A traumatic experience I can not share

I had a miscarriage. Not to be blunt, but I think it’s necessary to bring myself back to reality. It started on Tuesday evening, after work. It’s now Saturday and physically I feel okay. Mentally..? I had been joking for weeks about all of my pregnancy symptoms. Initially I had taken a test way to early to tell. But as the symptoms got worse I just let them happen for a while. I don’t know why. I didn’t share this with anyone besides jokingly. I was scared to confirm, worrying about knowing my relationship would never work. Worrying about knowing that I would have chosen you. Worrying about whether or not I could carry to term with my medical issues. I guess we learned that the hard way. Aside from that slight tangent, I was in the tacobell drive thru. Love me a good burrito. I happened to sneeze and thought I pissed myself. But I didn’t physically feel myself do that, if that makes sense. I got home in such shambles that I forgot about the drive thru incident. I was hanging out for about 10 minutes with the homegirl. Out of embarrassment I told her I actually started my period and I needed to use the restroom. Graphic: I got undressed to shower off and what was there was a large spot of almost a light pink substance . But lightly. Within a few hours of my shower I had begun to bleed regularly. The next day the bleeding got heavier and when the cramps were at their worst I decided to take a shower. In so much pain and confusion I didn’t know what to do. I sat there scared and in pain as the blood and tissue practically poured out of me. The next day the flow died down and by the day after it was just light pink. Painful. But over. Physically. Where am I at mentally? I really don’t know. I still don’t know what to do. I am still scared. I don’t know how to talk to anyone. I can’t listen when people talk. I feel so selfish for the way I am ignoring people. I am not trying to. Cigarettes and weed are no longer grossing me out. My nipples feel better. My weight is creeping down and mentally I feel a little less crazy than I have been. But still unsure. I haven’t been able to eat much lately. I worry about it. But not enough to do something about it?

So confused.