thediaryofthisonebitch

[thediaryofthisonebitch]

Moving On

I asked my tarot cards what I should do about the thoughts about Z consuming my mind. The pull toward him is strong. I know it is a waste of my time and energy to be wondering what he’s thinking, if he will ever change, and if we will get back together would it end up just the same. I wonder when he will reach out again and what he will say. I anticipate if he will finally pour out his feelings toward me and wonder what I would do in that case. Would I take him back if he actually made significant changes in his life? Anything he says within the next year would be bullshit because he’s repressed too much of his emotions throughout his life to make any real internal change within the 2 and a half months of no contact.

 I thought about freezing him in a jar so I could feel a sense of control as to when he can reach out to me because I worry about him reaching out too soon and me having to force myself to reject him for my own protection. But, I heard doing a freezer spell on keeps them stagnant and doesn’t allow them to grow. I want him to grow, so I guess I won’t be doing that. Maybe I can freeze my ruminating thoughts about him in a jar?

I asked my tarot cards (4110) what they thought about me freezing my thoughts about him; they told me there is another way to do something and that it will create a blockage within me if I try to freeze these thoughts. That I can use this energy to my advantage as inspiration. I have the confidence and ability to face these feelings. Freezing these thoughts would be me trying to control the situation once again and would prevent me from moving forward. I will not do the spell then.

I asked the cards (9438162) what I should do with these thoughts instead. They told me that I am in transition from one ending and a new beginning. That these thoughts are apart of the healing process and are something I can learn from. I should keep my heart space open and allow myself to feel them. I need to continue to trust the Universe because ever since I started blindly following its guidance, my life has turned out well and I’ve become more and more in alignment with my higher self. This relationship with Z is just another sacrifice I had to make on my way to my highest timeline. I need to be kind to myself during this grieving process.

I’ve been so focused on losing Z that I forgot a new era has begun for me. It’s time to focus my energy on what I want this new beginning to bring in and how to create a stable foundation for myself.  I have many ideas and it’s time to act on them and make life fun.

[thediaryofthisonebitch]

Closure

I have so many conflicting thoughts about having to end my relationship with Z. I keep thinking about it. Maybe I’ll have a few days where I don’t instantly think of him any time I have an undistracted moment, but then he consumes my mind again. Maybe it’s just habit to think of him since I was with him (on and off) for 16 months. Or maybe I’m still processing. It’s annoying though. I could be spending my energy on something more productive… or maybe processing it and learning from it is productive?

I talked about feelings about all this a few times in therapy. I have a feeling my therapist is over me talking about him… 

I swing back and forth between taking it personally and then knowing it has nothing to do with my worth. But I know I need to really dive into these thoughts I try to bypass. When I take it personally, I usually resort to anger and making him out to be the bad guy. That feels better than acknowledging the underlying beliefs around this. But it’s time…

I wonder what he saw in me that changed his mind about liking me. Was it because I can be a little child like? Was I not serious enough? Was it because I let my walls down and cried in front of him? Does he see me as weak now? I’m just confused why I’m not good enough for people to keep pursing me. Am I boring? Is that why he stopped trying to get to know me on a deeper level? I know my expectations aren’t even that much. I know I’m not needy. I know I’m independent and don’t rely on people too much. So, I’m confused why he didn’t show up for me when I asked him to be there for me after my surgery. I’m confused why he would keep asking me for favors or to be there for him but not do that for me in return.

I guess it’s my fault that I set the precedent that I’ll be there for him even if he isn’t for me. I set the precedent that he didn’t have to try anymore because I kept coming around after he gave low effort. Apparently, that is how men’s brains work. They only value people that are hard to get and keep; they devalue people who are consistent and caring. It’s bullshit. It’s not even like I was obsessive toward him or all up in his business. He just progressively cut more and more of his attention and presence from me.

I feel deceived because he put so much effort in at the beginning and told me he was falling for me. We would just stare into each other’s eyes and smile without saying a word. 

He's a people pleaser for everyone except me. Why am I not good enough for him to want to please? Why is my love and affection never returned? He only tries to please the people that don’t return it because he’s trying to win their validation. Of course he’s not trying to win my affections because I freely gave it to him.

[thediaryofthisonebitch]

Fearful Avoidant Rage

This morning, I felt so angry at Z. I felt deceived, betrayed, and used. I felt stupid for not seeing his true self sooner. I wanted to verbally tear him apart and crumble the false victim mentality reality that he lives him. He thinks he’s such a nice guy but he’s the villain in multiple women’s realities… in my reality.

It’s not “nice” to ignore your partner, neglect them, and avoid them because you “don’t want to hurt” them instead of just telling them the truth that you’re no longer interested and no longer want to invest in the relationship. It’s not “nice” to lead people on and waste their time when you know you don’t see the same vision they have for the future of the relationship, the one you pretended to have too just so you could get in their pants.

In reality, I know he’s not this bad guy who lied about how he felt about me just to use my body and waste my time. I know he actually did care about me; I have evidence to prove that. I know he is just damaged like I am. I can relate to having my emotions disconnected from a partner and having my brain find all their flaws until I’m turned off by them and think their nothing special. Hell, I’m doing that right now. Mine doesn’t get triggered though just because someone acts like they like me. Mine gets triggered when I feel neglected, when my partner stops trying, when I’ve been betrayed.

I really convinced myself that he had a facade on the whole time and that somehow I couldn’t see until now. I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. I feel very confused because I couldn’t imagine neglecting someone I care deeply about.

I watched all these videos about how men’s brains work in dating, so I could figure out the part I play in my relationships failing, and it just made me angry. Angry that men push the boundaries of their partner to see what they can get away with and then devalue the women they subconsciously degrade. Z was so nice to me at the beginning. He was different. I felt so connected. I finally found someone I felt was on my level. He told me he was falling for me. I waited to have sex (apparently not long enough). Then I told him I felt very grateful to have him in my life.

Bam! He emotionally disconnected from me. The light went out of his eyes. I was heartbroken. I didn’t understand what I did wrong. When we got back together the first time we broke up, he said he ended things because he was scared I was going to say “I love you” and he wasn’t ready.

I feel so conflicted. I huge part of me right now is appalled by him and wants to make him suffer and then never speak to him again. The other part wants to strategically play this game and seem uninterested to make him start working to be in my life again.

I DON’T WANT HIM IN MY LIFE AGAIN… but I do. I know the vicious cycle will just repeat again. He’s so predictable that it’s pathetic. He will make all these promises that he will never keep. He will give me attention and conversations that he can’t sustain. He will burn himself out. He will stop trying to get to know me on a deeper level. I will throw a little fit because I can feel that his energy has pulled away and that he isn’t making an effort anymore. He will calm me down just enough to make me feel safe again. We will feel connected, but he will progressively withdraw more and more. The light will go out in his eyes. I will ask where this relationship is even going. He will tell me he doesn’t know and he’s just surviving day by day. I will debate for a few months if I should stay or go until I get fed up, realize I deserve better, and eventually leave in a fit. He will blame his exs for why he's not ready to commit (even though now I understand why they left with “no warning”).  Six to eight weeks of no contract will go by, he will message me some bullshit like “I hope you’re doing well,” right as I actually start to get over him.

It's FUCKED UP! Stop coming back into my life even though you know that you have no intention of being there the way an actual boyfriend is supposed to be there. I don’t even need that much attention. I am so independent. I give you so much space. Somehow that is still too close and too needy. I’m tired of doing everything alone. What’s the point of having a boyfriend if you can’t even do stuff with him.

I cannot get back together with him! I’ve gone to too much therapy and healed myself too much to stay in this anxious-avoidant trap with someone who clearly doesn’t want to dive deep within themselves or into another person. I know he can only meet me as deeply as he’s met himself, which is not very deep because he’s too scared to go to therapy and dive into his fucked up past.

I feel bad for him in a way because he refuses to see the part he plays in creating his own misery. I bet he’s feeling sorry for himself wondering why he can’t seem to make a relationship work and why women won’t accept his neglect when he “gives so much.”  

I keep teetering back and forth between spreading hate or spreading love. At the end of the day, I am going to choose love. I don’t want to further perpetuate his subconscious belief that vulnerability and connection is unsafe. I am going to react in the way I wish someone would react to me. I’ll react in the way he did for me a few times when my attachment style got the best of me. With understanding, care, and respect.

I did love and care for him at one point. That doesn’t change just because he can’t give me what I need out of a relationship. I know that he doesn’t even have time for himself and is under a ton of stress. I know he wishes he could be there for him. He genuinely doesn’t have the capacity. This is the truth I choose to believe, not the “truths” from online saying that if a man doesn’t do x, y, and z then he doesn’t like you and is just using you. I refuse to believe that after he allowed me the space to finally feel safe in a romantic partner’s arms for the first time ever, even if it was only for a brief amount of time.

I know I deserve so much more than he can give me, and I will not settle again. Maybe if we met each other a few years ago I would’ve stayed longer and tried to make it work, but I’m tired of sacrificing myself for people who can’t even give me the bare minimum.

[thediaryofthisonebitch]

Online Validation

I don’t know why I have this desire to share my life with strangers online. Maybe it’s because I didn’t get enough attention as a kid. Sometimes I see kids doing performances for their parents and wonder how I would have turned out if my parents encouraged me like that. If they made an effort to get to know me and my interests. If they didn’t get annoyed at my mere existence being around them. Maybe I share my thoughts online because I’m not used to sharing my deep thoughts with those close to me. I used to share my thoughts with my parents as a kid but I quickly learned that it would be dismissed or used against me.

I learned that I couldn’t rely on them to be a safe space for me. Maybe my mom could’ve been but subconsciously lost all trust in her when I shared with her a secret that I kissed a boy (I didn’t even kiss him, I just wanted to), then she turned around and told my dad. He made fun of me for YEARSSS saying “Polly kissed a boyyyy, Polly kissed a boyyyy,” until he got deployed for a year and probably forgot all about it because he got PTSD or something. Looking back it wasn’t that big of a deal, except that was the only way my dad bonds with us, by teasing us, criticizing our life choices, or asking how much money we’re saving.

Maybe I post online because I want someone else other than myself to acknowledge the parts of me that are special and unique. It’s not that I think I’m not special than anyone else. I often talk to people and think to myself, “they have great stories! They should post online. It would inspire and entertain others.”  I know I am an inspirational person; I’ve lived many lives in this lifetime and plan on living many more.

Maybe I post online because I was forced to move three times throughout my schooling and was pretty lonely (until I would make close friends and inevitably be ripped away from them again) so many of my conversations were with myself in my head. Posting videos allowed me to practice speaking my thoughts out loud naturally, because lets face it… speaking out loud feels a little awkward and inauthentic to me sometimes. It’s hard for me to organize my thoughts fast and convey what my main point is sometimes.