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Arie’s Bachelor Preview

Finally. Maybe it just seems longer because I didn’t post much during ette or paradise, but it’s about time we got some new info on the OG of dating shows. The cast has finally been released. I’m going to assume that like me, your heart skipped a beat when you got that google alert stating as much. I glanced at a few pictures, but have held off reading anything about any of the ladies to make sure I captured first impression. You wouldn’t stand out there greeting each as she comes out of the limo and then get black out drunk and not remember what you first thought the next morning. Unless of course you are a contestant on this show and have already stalked the bachelor for months on end. In that case, pass the alcohol.

If you’ve followed this blog at all you know I like to stay away from off season drama. You had your 15 mins of fame. As Mr. Wonderful eloquently puts it:

But since it’s the season of giving I’ll give you a quick update on last year’s bachelor, Nick. Him and Vanessa broke up. The end. But seriously, this is what they looked like right after they were able to make their ‘arrangement’ public:

Yeah. Good job convincing everyone that was going to last.

Alright Moving right along. The bachelor this year is Arie Luyendyk:

I don’t remember feeling strongly about Arie one way or another when he was on. I do remember feeling strongly about the bachelorette that he was chasing after however:

Back to Arie. He comes from a family that likes to race cars. The F1 circuit to be precise. For all intents and purposes I’m going to group that in with NASCAR because the jokes are easier. Matt and Trey got 22 minutes out of making fun of NASCAR:

I can do a season of the bachelor.

Arie’s bachelor announcement doesn’t come without some controversy. He may have broken up with girlfriend right before he became the bachelor:

http://www.etonline.com/exclusive-arie-luyendyk-jrs-ex-girlfriend-says-she-was-blindsided-bachelor-casting-their-breakup

It also appears Arie has a type when you look at his ex compared to the former bachelorette:

Enough about Arie. Let’s see the skanks that will be racing after his heart (get used to a bunch corny puns relating to his former profession)

Ali

Ali is a personal stylist. Got a quick tip for Ali. Next time ABC offers to have their professional stylist help you out before your headshot, don’t say “I got this”. The most embarrassing thing she listens to is Nickelback. While unrelated, please check out this clip of another Chad Kroeger fighting his local government to keep house parties a god given right:

The Beastie Boys would be proud

Amber

3 people dead or alive you’d like to have lunch with. You can tell a lot about a person in how they answer. Starting your list off with Kim Kardashian says more than enough. What can you possibly ask her in which the honest answer isn’t “sex tape”? How did you get so famous? Sex tape. How did you break into the industry? Sex tape. What drove your step dad to become a woman? Sex tape

Annaliese

I feel like Annaliese misunderstood the question 5 things you can’t live without. She listed 3 different types of food and 2 emotions. I think the producers are looking for you to say something like wi-fi and your favorite hoody. She also listed Miley Cyrus and Chrissy Tiegan as people she would want to be. Guessing there isn’t much going on upstairs with this one

Ashley

Ashley looks super boring. Doubt she makes it past night 1. She hates doing laundry because it takes her a week to go from washing her clothes, to folding, to putting them away. Pft. I leave that shit in the dryer and go grab a pair of socks and underwear as needed. Amateur

Becca K

Becca has quite the jawline on her. Hopefully she has a smokin hot body. Becca is a publicist. You know who was also a publicist? Fucking Shauna:

Something tell me Becca is publicizing people more like Johnny Drama and less like Vincent Chase

Bekah M

Bekah is very intriguing. This might be a first, but her age isn’t listed in her bio. And I really want to know what it is. Her profession is nanny so I would assume she’s pretty young. But past contestant Corrine also had a nanny and she was pretty old. I know it’s because of the hair, but I’m getting a Morena Baccarin vibe:

I’ve got my eye on this one

Bibiana

I’m guessing Bibiana has quite a bit of personality. This has to be the girl other girls hate, right? She’s an executive assistant and former NFL cheerleader. I vote Bibi as most likely to tell everyone that she isn’t there to make friends and to start calling Arie her man

Bri

Bri is a sports reporter. I needed to look it up to be sure:

Now I’m not saying someone that’s already been on TV can’t fall in love with someone else on TV. But if she gets to the final 3 this season, fans like her, and a sideline job happens to open up with ABC she may have her eyes on a prize other than Arie

Brittane J

At the risk of making an off(on)-color joke, I’m going to guess that is a new way to spell Brittany. And is she winking? Lunch with 3 people dead or alive she went with Whitney Houston, Bernie Sanders, Beyonce. When the bill came Bernie made sure that Whitney Houston’s estate paid for her meal before the new tax bill gets rid of the death tax. (Hey. She got political, not me)

Brittany T

Seeing her listed as Brittany T confirms that the previous girl does pronounce it as Brittany. This Brittany would like to have lunch with Chris Evans, Hillary Clinton (shudder), and Beyonce. When Chris Evans goes on a coke binge he better hope he stays away from the bathtub to relax afterwards (See Whitney Houston above). Also, do you think Hillary ordered a side of beef at lunch? I remember when she got chucked into a van like a side of beef at a 9/11 memorial ceremony:

#neverforget

Caroline

I’m out on Caroline. She doesn’t have a dog yet, but can’t wait to find someone to “co-parent” a dog with. You would be a dog owner, not a parent. I bet she also can’t wait to “play house” with Arie. She’s going to be that girl that Arie tries to have a serious conversation with and can’t stop giggling while talking about how much fun they have together

Chelsea

Chelsea is boring and generic. Sticks out in no way. Not pretty. Not ugly. Thinks France is the most romantic city. Listed grade school sports as something she did competitively (read: unathletic). Likes warm weather, but not too warm. I don’t see anything here. I suspect an early pass (racing jokes) from Arie

Jacqueline

I’m trying to figure out who Jackie looks like. Right now I’m stuck on a poor (very poor) man’s Winnie Cooper:

I don’t think that’s the right answer, so I am open to suggestions. I also kind of wanted to look up Danica McKellar so I’m not mad. This will never work out though. She keeps talking about her career and how important it is to her. Career first women don’t win. They usually become the bachelorette. Not that I’m suggesting that will happen. Just that she has no chance

Jenna

Jenna is a social media manager from Indiana. Speaking of, I need to fire mine. When she eventually reads this post I expect https://twitter.com/thebachtweets to be updated with the new season flair. Jenna’s favorite show is Friends. I’m going to diagnose her as Monica. Looks like she is bubbly, can provide some comic relief when necessary, and probably has a nerdy brother named Ross that keeps finding ways to screw up everything with his much hotter girlfriend. How you doin’??

Jenny

Jenny’s most afraid of picking the wrong person to marry. I guess you can’t make that mistake if the bachelor picks you. She probably has nightmares about being the bachelorette. Many of her answers indicate that she’s outdoorsy and loves adventure. She looks just the opposite. Maybe her idea of camping is hanging out in a motor home watching netflix while a fire burns outside

Jessica

Jessica’s occupation is television host and I immediately couldn’t wait to look up which show. Then I saw she was from Canada, which isn’t real tv. Is Degrasi still on? But then I looked her up and it’s worse than Canadian tv host. She has a youtube channel called Jessica Carroll TV.......(So what if I watched the video ‘Get Pool Party Ready). So we have smoking hot girl living in LA that’s used to the camera. Guess who might get called out first for not being there for the right reasons

Kendall

I feel like Kendall has a drink in one or both hands of this picture. This chick is weird. If she could be any animal she went with bat. Most romantic gift was an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar because she collects taxidermy. As long as it wasn’t an alligator holding a human hand. Carl Weathers would have been pissed:

Krystal

Krystal is one of those fitness nuts. I feel like that’s a profession/hobby that never does well on this show either. She says she is most afraid of unused potential. Lol. She must moonlight as a life coach. Trying to remember back to when Arie was on the bachelorette he didn’t strike me as a real go getter. I feel like Krystal is going to push him to be better and Arie will end up channeling his brother in name and hit her with:

Lauren B

I think Lauren B goes far. Pretty girl. No weird answers. What is my first rule about going on this show? Don’t be weird. She has a second degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. By the way, whatever happened to Billy Blanks?

Lauren G

Lauren has the real descriptive occupation of executive recruiter. Her favorite tv show is ‘This is Us’. I’ve never seen an episode, but based on the people that watch it and from what I’ve heard it sounds like one long ass chick flick. It’s like tv networks needed to try and scoop up the ‘Parenthood’ audience that loves mushy feel good/make you cry stories and we ended up here. Those shows are the worst (And no, the bachelor is not the scripted reality version of those shows).

Lauren J

Lauren is honest. Asked if she’s neat or messy, she concedes to being messy. Doesn’t like playing games with guys, just tells them how she feels. Eats full meals in bed. Can’t live without mascara. She’s also 33 so no time to beat around the bush. I think she’ll end up getting super jelly when she sees Arie making out with other girls. I’m gonna say she ends up in the top 5. Arie wants a young girl to parade around for a little while. Lauren is probably trying to have kids tomorrow

Lauren S

The run on Lauren’s continues. We’ve got another social media manager on our hands. It’s funny thinking back to the first season of the bachelor and knowing how that job wouldn’t have even existed. When asked if she could be anyone in the world she went with ‘anyone in Taylor Swift’s girl squad’. You wouldn’t want to be....I don’t know....Taylor Swift instead? Not very lofty girls for this one. She’s an early out

Maquel

Maquel? Whatever. Guess we are just making names up at this point. Her favorite holiday is Halloween. She loves dressing up and creepy/scary stuff. I’m guessing she is more Cady and less Regina:

Marikh

Maybe the weirdest answer to a question that I’ve seen:

What? So you don’t want to accidentally confirm an incorrect assumption? Keep in mind that she was asked this question, had time to think it over, decided to go with that. I think Marikh might break down if asked where she wants to go to eat. “I love Olive Garden but I hate their breadsticks and salad and pasta so let’s go there”

Nysha

Nysha looks like she’s embarrassed to take this photo and have an official Bachelor headshot that will live forever. I don’t see Nysha doing real well this season. Her answer on favorite tv show and fictional character comes off as a bit “I don’t need no man”. Try not to make a scene when you don’t get a rose

Olivia

Olivia is 23. She looks even younger than that. Favorite book is 50 shades of grey. Not sure she was old enough to read that when it first came out. Do you think she secretly hopes Arie has a sex dungeon? Probably would have been a good intern for Matt Lauer. 

Seinne

I’m going to guess that Seinne is this year’s Rachel (you know what I’m getting at). Favorite tv show is Game of Thrones. I don’t care for the show. Watched the first season and couldn’t believe I wasted that much time. Don’t get the appeal at all. If I hear Dilly Dilly one more time I’m going to fucking lose it

Tia

Tia could win this year, be the girl that everyone hates, or be the next bachelorette. I’ll know by the end of the first episode, but right now I have no clue. I’m looking for key things in her answers and she says ‘sassy’ as well as having gone to a swingers resort. I’m going to go with the one everyone loves to hate. But I reserve the right to change my mind

Valerie

Valerie is a server in Nashville (failed country music artist). She’s 25 and has over 50 Halloween costumes. Maybe she celebrates it multiple times a year. I just hope she doesn’t have that thick twang when she talks. That’s so annoying

There they are. The desperate fame whores looking to make their mark January 1st. I do wonder about airing the premiere on the 1st. I know there isn’t a ton of crossover between individuals when it comes to the bachelor and college football, but I can imagine a fight or two between couples when it’s the football semi-finals vs bach premiere. The game airs on ESPN which is of course owned by ABC’s parent company of Disney. I would suggest holding off a week but the national championship game is played that next Monday. 

See ya after the premiere

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

ABC Tells All

What a shit show. ABC orchestrated this whole thing. A truly embarrassing display of race baiting was on full display last night. The why is easy. The race war sells. It’s why famous personalities such as Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are still around. Lee was the perfect target for them. Lee is an asshole, he’s a white guy, he’s from middle america. He is everything Hollywood hates. ABC had a villain unlike any they’ve had before. This wasn’t Chad acting crazy and devouring meat trays. This wasn’t Corrine acting like a stuck up bitch. This was good vs evil, and ABC was about to be “on the right side of history”.

Has ABC ever brought up what someone said or tweeted not only before airing, but before even being cast? This makes me wonder if they knew about this all along. Hell, maybe Lee was even in on it. Would you put it past them to find someone they could spin as racist and virtue signal out their ass? Look, Lee did himself no favors. He was a huge dick. It became pretty apparent very early on that he was there to stir up trouble. Probably had no interest in Rachel from the get go and wanted his 15 minutes. Not the first guy to have done that. Think he said he was a musician from Nashville so everyone should have already been suspicious of him being there. Lee got bored and decided to entertain himself. He targeted Kenny. Now I think Kenny handled himself about the best way you could during that entire thing. Lee slandered him, lied, and provoked him. Kenny tried to talk it out with him, walk away from him, tell Rachel what was truly going down. I thought he did the best he could with what he was given. No idea what it was about Kenny that made him an easy target for Lee. Maybe it was the opposite and he picked Kenny because he was the biggest baddest dude there. Either way Lee showed nothing but immaturity while Kenny rose above.

Now I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Getting into an altercation with a person of a different color does not make you a racist. Kenny even said so during the men tell all. This is when ABC went to plan B. They couldn’t get Kenny to come out and say he was racist so they brought up what Lee has tweeted previously. He said essentially that the KKK and the NAACP are both racist organizations. His mistake was that one of those groups also murdered people for the color of their skin, but he’s not wrong about both being racist. Let’s look at how the NAACP views black cops:

https://downtrend.com/71superb/naacp-says-black-cops-are-not-real-black-people

“Many black people who become police officers become blue, not black.”

What a sickening statement. No longer being considered black because of the profession you took? Stripping you of the color of your skin? You should be propping those people up instead of going on racist tirades against them.

NAACP also views voter ID as a racist act. They’ve marched and protested against it. It would seem odd that in order to participate they would require such a “racist” act to be enforced. Right?:

https://www.hermancain.com/naacp-requires-photo-id-to-att

And don’t get me started on this person:

Then there was Josiah who just had to hop on the stage and be heard. He reminds us that the 60′s were only 60 short years ago and brings up segregated water fountains and how they fought for the right to end it. I completely agree with him, but then I see groups wanting to bring back segregation in schools and I don’t know what to think:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/may/9/harvard-to-host-first-all-black-graduation-this-is/

So maybe save your segregation speeches if you aren’t even sure that’s what people want.

As if tacking on extra crimes against humanity, ABC also wanted everyone to think Lee is a misogynist. They also dug up a tweet in which he was critical of feminism acting like he committed some sin. Seems bizarre to be because a scientific study was done in which over 20 thousand people were surveyed and a majority said they would rather their child have cancer as opposed to feminism:

ABC got their ooo’s and ahhhh’s from the audience though so they didn’t care. Please tell me why anyone would go on this show only for the chance of having your life ruined. Lee did enough dumb shit on the show to be critical of. But his actions on the show aren’t enough to keep people talking, so they hatched a plan to destroy a man.

I’ll be back when the bach is announced.

Maybe

Whatever

I don’t care

[thefantasysuite]

Bachelor in Helladise

You can’t expect me to stay quiet when something like this goes down

http://www.tmz.com/2017/06/11/bachelor-in-paradise-suspended-demario-jackson-corrine-olympios-oral-sex-pool/

Production shut down? Now of course it would be responsible not to jump to conclusions and wait until everything comes out, but no one is going to do that. Not even me. So let’s start speculating. The players:

Corrine has entered The Tyson Zone. Named after Mike Tyson, it essentially means a celebrity is so insane that any story no matter how crazy is believable when they are involved. This should not come as a surprise considering that she still lives at home with a caretaker and tried to sex up a guy in a bouncy house while on TV. 

In the short time we got to know Demario we’ve seen him demonstrate very shady characteristics. While on a date with the current bachelorette Rachel, his GBH (girl back home) decides to show up. Demario’s first reaction to seeing her is “who dis”. Acting like he’s never seen this stripper escort before. She’s actually here in real life Demario. She didn’t text you while you pretend you don’t recognize the number:

What is going on with this mystery producer? They shut down production because of a complaint about two people getting sexual in a pool? There has to be more. Production wasn’t shut down when Chad was throwing around girls like rag dolls last season. This is the type of stuff they love. Your mind immediately goes to was someone forced to participate in some of this oral loving. To me that is the only legit complaint of what could have happened. If it was two drunks having sloppy sex they would have shut this down years ago. 

So what next? Do they start filming again in a couple weeks? Scrap this season all together? I bet Chris Harrison is dreading his next public appearance.

What if Jorge the bartender roofied everyone and had his way with the pretty american babes? I’m not ruling it out.

I’ll be back once there are more developments.

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

No Blog For You

Not going to beat around the bush. I’m taking the bachelorette season off. I’ll watch the premiere and that’s probably about it. I’ll be back in the winter. Might pop up here and there. 

See ya whenever

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

The Finale

That’s it. No more Nick. We’re done with him. I don’t care if he and Vanessa break up tomorrow, he better never come back on this show looking for love ever again. That was a pretty anticlimactic finale, right? They had me for a second though. They were trying to push that Raven narrative hard and I started to buy in. Can we be blamed though? Hanging out with Raven looked like a lot more fun than with Vanessa. And did you see that after the final rose? The two couldn’t look less interested:

And how do you have bad days when you don’t even see each other? This will last as long as their contract says they have to. I don’t care what she says, Vanessa is not moving 5 miles more than she has to away from her family. Meanwhile Raven looked just fine and can’t wait to head to bachelor in paradise. She dodged a big bullet. I ended up feeling sorry for her and pulling for her, but she’s better off. Hopefully Vanessa and Nick break it off before filming for paradise begins because I wouldn’t mind seeing her parade around the beaches of Mexico. She’s hot:

 A couple of things I noticed:

* Does Nick’s mom perpetually look like she’s going to cry?

* When each girl met his mom they were seeking 15 thousand dollars more minutes of fame in exchange for 100% of Nick’s heart:

* I get the feeling that anytime you ask Vanessa how she is doing she answers FINE and slams her foot down

* Everything that involved Rachel last night was weird and forced

There we have it. Another season in the books. I think this season had a ton of potential and was of course screwed up by Nick. At least Corrine was there to salvage it. I really liked Vanessa at first and I still kind of do, but the longer the season went, the less I did. I honestly don’t think there is any shot they get married. If nothing else, this season provided some great talent for bachelor in paradise. Looking forward to when that returns. I’ll make a post between now and ette to address how I’m going to continue writing. There is only one more thing left. Raven:

See ya whenever

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

Corrine Tells All

I’m tired. Just struggling to find the energy to write up these last couple episodes. This season has been very forgettable aside from Corrine. Women tell all sucked. Nick sucks. Next season will suck. This post will suck.

So Raven finally knows what it’s like to be pleasured by a man. Queue the not so subtle montage of her dancing around Finland while glowing. Remember when Nick told Andi he didn’t think he wanted to sleep with the girls in the fantasy suite? He sure as hell doesn’t.

Rachel and Nick do some cross country skiing. That sounds awful. She tells him she loves him. They bang it out, he makes breakfast.

Nick describes his physical relationship with Vanessa as hot and steamy. I feel like Vanessa would have Elaine’s reaction if she heard him say that:

My gif isn’t working. Just search “hot and heave seinfeld” if you really want to know

They then decide to go back and forth between jumping in an ice bath and a sauna. Probably not a good idea if you’re wearing a speedo and doing that on TV:

Nick then all but tells Vanessa he can’t handle her traditional family. They then start talking about where they would live. It may have been one of the corniest lines of the season, but I respected it; Nick goes all Lee Greenwood and tells her that he’s proud to be an American:

Rachel was the worst fuck so naturally:

We had a 2 hour women tell all. I feel like that was a first. It really wasn’t any good though. I’m just going to bullet point a few things:

* Josephine looked like Hot Topic had a going out of business sale and she bought everything

* Liz is nuts. She tried really hard to come off as normal. Nick stuck his dick in some serious crazy and lived to tell the tale

* Everyone hates Taylor and for good reason. Corrine getting champagne while she was talking was the best. Taylor accused her of counselor shaming. Playing the victim is overrated

* Corrine bringing everyone cheese pasta was super weird. I’m kind of upset Raquel wasn’t in the audience

* ABC is going to act like Rachel is Jackie Robinson when they start promoting her season

Here is an early sneak peak of what her season will look like:

See ya next week for what I hope is a disastrous finale

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

Fantasy Suite pt. 1

Umm, an hour? I’m sitting there watching TV, it’s roughly 9:20 and I notice there is no recording light on my DVR. I panic. I’m not waiting all day to watch the fantasy suite episode online the following day. I go to my DVR list and it shows an hour duration of the bachelor recorded. That’s weird. Why would it stop recording after just an hour. I look at the channel guide and realize ABC needed to showcase it’s social justice warrior show in the coveted second hour bachelor slot. You know what, I’m not surprised. They gave up on this season when they announced Rachel as ette and are now trying to trick people into watching their preachy bullshit. They should have just made this week a half hour because what they did air had zero substance. What a waste of time. Let’s just get this over with.

So Andi returned because her 15 mins of fame still lingers. I will admit, she looked pretty good. Nick jokes about how last time she knocked on his door it was to give him the boot. He planned better this time:

They talk about some other bullshit like what he’s feeling and crap like that. The topic of what actually goes on in the fantasy suite comes up. I was a little surprised since the last time these two shared a camera Nick was mad that Andi fucked him and dumped him. It seems as if time has healed that wound since the two were able to joke about it. Then Nick told the biggest joke of the season; that he wasn’t going to sleep with all the fantasy participants. LOL. When did he develop a sense of humor? So Andi leaves after a pleasant if somewhat unnecessary visit. Nick heads outside to dump one of the 4 remaining ladies. It’s going to be Rachel, right? They announced it last week that she’s ette, it has to be Rachel. Corrine?!?!?!?!?!?!

I am shocked. Disappointed. Sad. This Nick (me) was more upset than tool Nick. His demeanor was the same from letting someone leave week 2. Did production make him keep Corrine over Kristina for hometowns? He was more shook up over that one. If you bachelor correctly these eliminations are supposed to get harder. This tool can’t do anything right.

Off to Scandinavia. Finland. First date is with Raven. They go to a local bar and throw darts with drunk locals. Nick thinks back to when he was with Vanessa’s family and they wanted to know about some tough questions he should be asking. So he applies this line of thinking with Raven and asks her if she knows how to fold laundry.....Baby steps Nicholas. It’s not like you are going to get engaged to these girls or anything. After a day of hanging out with bar hooligans the two have dinner and get the fantasy suite key. It is here we learn that Raven has never been pleasured properly. No pressure (no diamonds), Nick. Raven finally tell him she’s in love and starts crying. Wonder if she also ends up crying after Nick *ahem* finishes.

So that was it. Tell me we couldn’t have done that in 30 mins. The first fantasy date ends with the two staring up into the stars. They teased next week being a 2 hour episode and then women tell all. I need a Corrine and Taylor fight. Speaking of Corrine:

See ya next week

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

Hometowns

Well, Nick certainly has 4 completely different options on who he wants to be with, but is that a good thing? At the beginning of the show it’s great, but shouldn’t he kind of have some sort of idea about which direction he wants to go by now? Him having 4 different girls makes me think he’s going to choose one only because he dislikes her situation less than the other 3. I wouldn’t normally think this way, but we’re dealing with Nick. If he had 4 girls left that were like Corrine, he would pick the best Corrine. Same with any of the other 3. Maybe he feels he did that earlier in the show. I just get the feeling he’s still giving out roses because those are the girls that are left, not picking girls first and then running out of roses. Maybe our mystery guest will talk some sense into him (yeah right).

Our first hometown takes place in Raven’s hillbilly town of Arkansas. They start off doing a little mud runnin’ on 4 wheelers. Then they do some craw dad catchin’, mushroom huntin’, and hillbilly handfishin’:

jk

For some reason grain bins are sacred and you go up on them and make out. It’s a good excuse to say you were just filling up the bin when you were really tonguing your cousin. A cop drives by and starts asking questions. Nick cranks the mumble meter up to 11 and denies any wrong doing. Raven finally tells him that he’s her brother (the cop is, not Nick) and lulz were had. Off to meet the rest of the family. Raven got some good news that her dad is cancer free. Everything else was pretty normal and quiet. She did miss her chance to say she loves Nick. Probably because she doesn’t.

Off to Dallas for a date with the new bachelorette Rachel. Some girls like to start the bachelor off slow by doing something simple and fun. Others bring him to an all black church where he is the only white guy. They then head to Rachel’s house where Nick is relieved to see another pale skin. Her sister also has a thing for white meat. Each conversation goes about how you would expect. “You two know you are different colors. Have you done this before? Are you ok with it?” There really wasn’t much time for anything else. It’s unclear if the producers told Rachel that she was going to be the ette if she goes out before final 2.

Have we totally changed our tune on Corrine? She seemed about as normal as you can for someone that drops $800 on sweatpants and 3 grand at a store. She played this whole date right from start to finish. Spends tons of money on the bachelor and then tells him she loves him before bringing him home to meet the family. Gets it out of the way early so there is no will she won’t she later that evening. Corrine’s dad asks her if Nick would be ok with her making most of the money in the relationship. What he really said was make sure you get a pre nup:

We also got to meet the famous Raquel:

What does Corrine’s mom do? Nick’s conversation with Raquel occurred first and seemed like the one you would have with the mom. Nick and Corrine headed outside to kiss in front of the car and her family watched from their high rise, just like other girls do when they spot the bachelor and his one on one date and fireworks are going off. I kept waiting for something wild to happen, but it was very normal. The more I think about it, the more I wish Corrine was ette (assuming she doesn’t win).

Nick’s last date is north of the boarder, ehhh. He starts out by seeing a day in the life of Vanessa. She “teaches” the mentally unfortunate. Those of you at home are thinking if I’m going to make fun of a Canadian school I’m going with a Degrassi joke. Wrong. Taking it a step further. I give you Wheels Ontario:

(Yes, the Kroll show was awful. But I thought this skit was hilarious.)

Where do I start with Vanessa’s family? Let’s just say they are very involved. And this was only her mom’s half. You have to know 3 languages just to even get in the door. Then they started grilling Nick. He probably thought everything was in Italian because they actually asked him long term questions such as, where he and Vanessa would live and he answered like someone that didn’t understand the language. I think her family is well intentioned, but they seemed extremely overbearing. If Nick picks Vanessa I think first think he needs to do is move her far away. She doesn’t need to worry about a job because there are plenty of intellectually inferior here in the states that want to learn Italian. 

Part 2 is with her dad and his gf/wife. Nick asks for his blessing and at first gets denied. Hard to blame him, but it seems like he genuinely didn’t think Nick would ask and thought it was weird that he would ask each father (probably because it is). I feel like this falls on Vanessa though. She needs to prep her family about what she’s getting into and how things work. Pops finally comes around on it, but he mentions to Vanessa that Nick confirmed he asked at each hometown date. She gets upset. Again. Have you seen this show before? This is not an uncommon practice at all. Nick leaves and it’s kind of awkward. You know that he never wants to come back to Canada ever again.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Some fame whore that got down with Nick and then tried to make him the bad guy when he got sad about it. Seriously. Why is Andi necessary. They set it up to make it look like she’s there for another shot with him, but she’s really only there for advice. Considering her track record on this show, probably not the best person to be getting advice from. Hope they don’t dwell on it too much because it already feels forced and we’re still 6 days out.

I hope Rachel gets the boot next since we know she’s ette. I don’t want her to stay and then spend the whole episode knowing the final 2.

See ya next week

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

Platinum Vageenes

I don’t know how to handle spoilers. Is it even a spoiler at this point? Considering that the official bachelorette account officially tweeted it out I think it’s fair game. The new bachelorette was announced last night, even though she is still on the show. I know that while still on bach in paradise and still trying to form a relationship news broke that Nick would be the bachelor, but this is different. And I don’t like how it was done. Let’s look at why they yet again spoiled their own show. Many have claimed that the bachelor franchise has always had a “problem” with diversity. With today’s current political climate I’m sure ABC thought there was no better time than the present to pick Rachel. But you can still pick her after the season ends, right? Not if one of the remaining contestants goes home in a brutal, heart gripping rose ceremony. Not if after seeing the women tell all and there is a huge clamoring for someone that isn’t Rachel. They had to get out in front of this one and drum up hype before an eliminated girl starts trying to curry favor to be next. I don’t buy the excuse that it was done to keep the blogosphere from spoiling it either. They spoil it every year. This year it’s just going to make more headlines. Good luck Rachel, but unlike ABC, I’m still going to focus on the rest of this season.

We are back in St. Thomas where Nick is on the beach sulking about having the unenviable task of deciding which hot babe he wants to hang out with. Our host decides to have a chat with him about how big of a bitch he is. Chris Harrison tells him to suck it up and be a man and Nick walks back into the room full of girls looking for pity and telling them he thinks he’s able to continue. So brave. 

Off to Bimini. I have to admit, never heard of the place (I don’t get out much). It’s only about 60 miles off the coast of Florida. Corrine usually makes her nanny Raquel swim there and grab her a snack for lunch. First one on one date goes to Vanessa. They do island things like hang out on the boat and talk about their feelings and go swimming. It is later that evening at dinner when Vanessa tells Nick she loves him. Nick handles this as well as you might think, really shitty. Yes, guys have told girls in the past that they love them before the final rose ::cough::Ben::cough:: and while Nick was trying to avoid doing that at least give her something. Something along the lines of “I really like you too and I love being around you”. That would have been much better than what he did, which was something like “That’s cool. I like the beaches here”. If you ever need the mood killed for something, Nick’s your guy.

Group date features Raven, Kristina, and the self glossed queen of group dates, Corrine. The date starts out simple enough with the 3 girls fighting to have Nick rub sun tan lotion all over them. Kristina wins that battle but let’s be honest, there were no losers here. Nick and the ladies go swimming with the sharks but Kristina starts to panic and heads back to the boat. Nick quickly follows and they spend some alone time. It seems as though Corrine is getting beat at her own game and she isn’t happy about it. She goes third person several times throughout the date and Nick even makes mention of it. She is clearly rattled. Right before the group date rose is handed out Raven tells Nick that her dad has cancer but can’t wait to meet him. Pretty hard to trump that. Group date rose is hers.

You could see this coming a mile away, right? This date with the last Danielle. Lot of silence and awkwardness throughout. Little bike riding mixed in. At one point during a confessional Danielle mentions that the last time she was in love, her fiancee died. I almost died having to watch this date. Nick sends her packing.

The highlight of the episode comes from none other than Corrine. She wasn’t feeling real good about things after the group date, so she decides to get her one on one time whether she has a date card or not. Corrine tracks down Nick’s hotel room and invites herself in. She goes for some playful banter before dragging him into his room to be her sex slave. I feel like we’ve already seen this clip 5 times throughout the show but it is during this sequence she looks into the camera and proudly says “my heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum”. Corrine. We are not worthy. Nick also decides he isn’t worthy either and puts a stop to it. How far you think she got? I bet Corrine has a wing at the local planned parenthood named after her. 

Last date is with Rachel. They hang out at a local dive bar because they are too cool for the touristy locations. I’m pretty sure Nick’s shorts are shorter than Rachel’s and have been on every date he’s gone on this week. Watching Nick try and ask Rachel if she’s ever brought home a white guy without trying to say white guy was fantastic. She caught on pretty quick and said no. Rest of the date was just them hanging out talking about her being the bachelorette.

We didn’t have a rose ceremony, but still had an emotional good bye. Nick heads to the villa(?) and is looking for the girl he wants to send home. I start shaking my head the moment he asks where Kristina is. He breaks it to her and she leaves in tears. Again, I’m as confused as the person leaving. He sent this girl home before hometowns:

Does he hate himself? I know I hate him. 

So Danielle and sadly Kristina:

See ya next week

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

Maybe no More Volleyball

I feel like nobody on this season of the bachelor (including the bachelor) understood what they were signing up for. Let’s break it down since everyone forgot. When you sign up to go on a reality dating show you did so because nothing else seems to be working out for you or you want your 15 minutes. There are over 20 other contestants that did the same thing. It is a competition. The girl that doesn’t pout and whine and complain is going to have a better shot than the one that does. If Mr. Bachelor tells you you’re going to play a game of volleyball then you go out there and tell him that volleyball is your favorite thing to do in the world. Time may be the most valuable currency in this particular vacuum that is the bachelor, but it’s not the only one. Having a good attitude goes a long way. Don’t think I forgot about Nick either. They didn’t like your game. So what. Suck it up and march on. Instead he sends home two really attractive girls on one date, goes back to the other girls and cries, then tells them he can’t do this anymore. I almost felt sorry for him on that group date, but then I was quickly reminded why I didn’t a few segments later. He’s a bitch.

More Taylor. Ugh. At least it was short lived. She tells Nick that she just wants what’s best for him and doesn’t think it’s Corinne. We’ve seen this type of conversation too many times to count on past seasons. She leaves right after and I hope to never see her again. Nick heads back to his dinner with Corinne and tells her whatever she needs to hear. Rose ceremony quickly after. For the first time he makes some decent choices and gets rid of Alexis, Josephine, and the lesbian:

Our cast and crew set off for the island of Saint Thomas. 3 girls haven’t had a one on one, so Nick gets out of his plane right away to disappoint 2 of them. Kristina is our winner here and gets to spend the whole day hanging out with the most boring guy in the virgin islands. Kristina offers a glimpse into her personal life as she talks about having a sister that still lives in Russia. They go for a swim and then she really opens up about her life during dinner. Talks about how her mom kicked her out of the house at 5 years old for eating before she got home. I feel like Kristina’s mom would have made for a good employee at the Kremlin. So Kristina ends up at an orphanage before being adopted and brought over to the United States. She talks a lot about how the people at the orphanage were like brothers and sisters. Here is a picture of them all before she left:

Nick is deeply touched by her story and asks if she will accept his Роза.

Back where the girls are staying Corinne gets the gift she’s been waiting for since she left home, another babysitter. I don’t know if she’s housekeeping, or a maid, or concierge or what but Lorna quickly becomes Corinne’s servant. I feel like Corinne still has someone cut her steak up into tiny little pieces so she can eat it easier. 

Group date involves everyone except for Kristina, Danielle L, and Whitney. They head to the beach to play a little volleyball. Innocent enough, right? Not so much. I would like to know how long they were actually out there because they lost interest fast. Went off drinking, or to take a nap, or just went off the deep end in Jasmine’s case. Constant complaining and whining about not having enough time with Nick, even though he was right there the whole time. They are in one of the most beautiful places in the world playing at the beach, but I guess if you don’t get the backstreet boys every date it doesn’t matter. They all head to separate corners of the beach and start crying. You would have thought their plane crash landed on a mysterious beach and they were LOST:

(Corrine is totally Shannon in this scenario. Pretty to look at but just dead weight that everyone hates)

The weirdness didn’t stop there. Jasmine mentions that she wants to punch Nick out because she feels ignored. I mean, that will get his attention, but probably not in the way you want. She eventually gets her turn to talk with him and let’s just say it didn’t go well. Multiple times she puts her hands around his neck as if to choke him and asked if he liked that kind of stuff. Even David Carradine thought she went a little too far. One of the more awkward moments in the franchise. I haven’t seen a person get rid of someone named “Jazz” that quickly since Uncle Phil did it weekly in the 90′s:

Yo homes, smell you later

Meanwhile Corinne is having the time of her life pretending she’s on spring break:

At some point it’s mentioned that Raven got the group date rose. Did we miss that, or just me? I really had no idea until it was brought up. I was probably trying to recover from what Jasmine just did.

Our second 2 on 1 date really surprised me with both Whitney and Danielle going on it. Nick had a pretty good first date with Danielle and I’m not sure we’ve heard Whitney say 5 words. They land on some beach and of course there is the customary 2 on 1 date bed that looks like it’s for a Sultan:

So he starts off talking to Whitney and I’m wondering why we haven’t seen more of her. She’s very pretty and seems interesting based on what little small talk they share. But alas, we are dealing with Nick, and after a short conversation with Danielle he quickly leaves Whitney behind as they fly away. Nick isn’t done yet though. They are having dinner and Danielle lets it slip that she’s falling in love with him. That’s all Nick needed to hear, to send her home. So he decided to get rid of two really attractive women when he didn’t have to? You realize you have to pick one of these girls at the end of the show, right? Why do you keep sending home good looking girls? Side note on Danielle, she reminded me a little bit of former contestant Britt:

Not just in looks either. Both seemed to have the uncanny ability of sounding fake whenever they expressed emotion even though I don’t think either were. No idea if Nick thought the same or not since he had some weak ass excuse for leaving her after choosing her.

Back at the resort the girls are shocked, SHOCKED, that production ends up taking both sets of luggage. Nick comes in a little later and starts crying. I also noticed he didn’t knock or anything which seemed awfully rude. So he is in there crying, they start crying, he talks about how hard this process is and isn’t sure if he can do this. Then he just walks out. Like, what the fuck. Act like you’ve been there, because you have. I have a feeling that Nick synced up being around the ladies all the time and let his emotions get the best of him. Maybe he needs a cute blonde to help relieve all that stress he’s got bottled up.....

See ya next week

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

At the end of the day / There is No Emotional Intelligence

I’m sorry, I couldn’t decide between which overused phrase I wanted for the title this week. A long standing pet peeve of mine is saying the same buzzword or phrase over and over. It happens on most reality shows because 1) they struggle to find people that are real good with words and 2) you can’t have the contestants memorize an entire script. I’m sure production gives them some talking points and tries to guide them down a certain path, but it’s up to the characters on these shows to fill in the blanks. When a producer asks Corinne “what is up with you and Taylor?” her natural instinct is too immediately call her a bitch and then remember that she’s supposed to be here for Nick and shouldn’t focus all her time on Taylor. Since Corrine is unable to link the two thoughts together logically she’ll use a common saying such as “at the end of the day I’m here for Nick”, after previously thrashing another girl. “Target on my back”, “Throw me under the bus” are other popular ones. I would love one day to watch a reality show and never hear that again. There is probably a better chance of Corinne actually throwing someone under a bus however.

The episode starts with Corinne and Taylor still going at it. Taylor keeps throwing out talking points that she memorized in psych school and Corinne tries to play victim. Taylor reminds me of Britta Perry, constantly reminding everyone that she studied psychology yet has no idea what she’s talking about outside of what a textbook told her to say. I can see her having a conversation like this when confronted in real life:

Anyway, Corinne calls Taylor a stank face and this is all I could think of:

Next up is the rose ceremony and the most shocking moment of the season happens. He sends home Sarah and Astrid. I won’t get into who he kept instead of those two *cough* Josephine and the lesbian *cough* but just the fact that he sent this girl home so soon:

I am dumbfounded. Hopefully both are in the running for bachelor in paradise next summer. I was legit shocked he let them go. Probably even more than I will be when he gets rid of Vanessa. I legit had to pause the episode and change the channel. A day later and I still don’t get it. What an idiot

The ladies pack their bags and head to the bayou of Louisiana. Rachel gets the first one on one. They tour the city a little. Rachel is pretty normal so the date is pretty boring overall. They check out mardi gras floats that are being stored and go to some club where a burlesque dancer looking girl sings a song. They make out and Nick tries to see if he can stick his tongue through her two front teeth. Is there proof that she isn’t Michael Strahan’s sister?:

Group date time. We head to a haunted house, but it’s more like a fun house with the lights turned off. Nick asks the ladies if they believe in ghosts. Everyone of them raises their hand. I’m assuming a few didn’t want to be “that guy” and just went along with the group. I hope. If not, maybe they are into busting ghost. I think I saw Paul Feig scouting out talent for a sequel:

Sony just took a billion dollar write off on it’s movie endeavors last year. I bet trying to force gender swaps had nothing to do with it at all.....

They enter the super scary and mysterious house and are greeted by a caretaker named Boo:

Not that caretaker

And not that Boo

Caretaker named Boo takes them around the house and tells them cheesy stories about a girl that died there. Pretty run of the mill stuff. Dies young, she still haunts the place, etc. They find a planted stumble upon a oigiu board and start trying to call out to this girl. Other girls start wondering around the house and mysterious stuff starts happening. Books fall over, chandeliers come crashing down, Josephine comes out of nowhere. Some truly scary shit with that last one. Raven accidentally tells Nick she loves him. Danielle M makes out with Nick and gets the rose. 

Back at the hotel there are 2 girls that haven’t been on a date. Yes, that means 2 on 1 goes to Corinne and Taylor. Corinne says Taylor is high maintenance while getting out of a bath with some sort of mask to grab her room service...

Nick picks up our two ladies and they head for the swamps. They ride a hovercraft manned by someone that looks like these people:

Our threesome is greeted by some sort of weird swamp welcoming committee that is dancing around. Their version of Miss Cleo decides to read the future/fortune/something of the girls. Taylor goes first while Corinne tells Nick how mean she is and bullies her. Taylor spends her time with Nick trying to defend herself while Corinne is busy making a voodoo doll of her enemy at swamp people arts and crafts. Apparently voodoo dolls (and having nice breasts) do wonders because Corinne gets the rose. Her and Nick sail off while Taylor is left with the weird tribal swamp people. She soon decides to take up their ways and participates in some kind of weird spirit cooking ritual. This gives her the power to hunt down Corinne and Nick at their dinner and embarrass herself one more time. 

I haven’t spoken much about the end tags that run after each episode this year, but they all need to make sure Alexis is involved. A few weeks back we learned that she has an irrational fear of Nicholas Cage. Bachelor Nick tries to scare her with a mask of him this week and she freaks out. Please don’t tell Alexis that this page exists:

https://www.facebook.com/OfficialNicolasCagesFaceOnThings/

I can’t wait until next week when Corinne runs up and down Bourbon street flashing her tits for beads unaware that it doesn’t work during non mardi gras times (or does it). I’ll try and work some Waterboy material in next week if we stay in Louisiana. It is with a heavy heart that I end my post with this tribute to Sarah and Astrid:

See ya next week

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

Less is more

What an awful episode. I don’t even want to write about it. I’ve had enough Corrine for one season. One on one dates were boring. Group date was entirely Corrine focused. Nick just mumbled every time he talked. Can you imagine being a producer and getting the clips this week and having to fill ~1.5 hours of TV? Another gripe I have, why did they show us the clip of Corrine going into Nick’s hotel room and trying to wrestle with him at the beginning of the season? You can’t do that and then try and get dramatic about Corrine going home. We know she’s not leaving. You told us. You can’t unring that bell. Maybe they figure there are enough spoilers floating around online that it doesn’t matter anymore. You could have at least tried though. Show us the clip without her face and keep the audio. At least they teased us with a 2 on 1 next week with Corrine and Taylor, but we kind of know what happens if the Corrine hotel visit hasn’t happened yet. Let’s hope it does and he sends both home on the date.

We start this week finishing up last. Vanessa continues scolding Nick while he mumbles about being sorry and needing her. We then jump right into the rose ceremony. Maybe it was me not paying attention, but it wasn’t real clear to me who had a rose from the dates the previous week as I had forgotten. This made for an eventful last couple of roses as I couldn’t believe that he wasn’t giving them out to a couple of girls I was sure would get them. There ended up only being one surprising departure (IMO) with Christen leaving:

Josephine continues to baffle experts and gets a rose.Corrine with a bizarre post rose ceremony speech. Off to Milwaukee.

Waukesha, Wisconsin specifically. Interesting little note about that city I ran across this morning. Waukesha is home of the slender man stabbing:

HBO’s first broadcast of a documentary of the story occurred January 23rd, 2017 (creepy). You can read more about what happened here.

I know what you’re thinking. No, Nick and the slender man have never been seen at the same time and we aren’t sure if that is one of his 45 younger siblings.

Apologies. Got sidetracked just a bit. Since Nick is in his hometown he makes sure to say hi to his parents. Nick obviously sucks at this whole finding a wife on a TV show thing so he needs to talk to his mom. And how is he so much taller than his dad? Let’s not close the book on that slender man thing just yet. I haven’t seen a height discrepancy that much between son and dad on a reality show since this:

(I may have reached on that one.

Danielle L gets the one on one. Really boring. They tour his hometown. Make cookies of Nick. “Randomly” run into an ex gf of his. Some random country singer performed for them. She gets a rose. It’s thankfully over.

Group date is spent on a farm. Ladies walk up and Nick is milking a cow, trying really hard to pretend it isn’t his first time. Jaime the lesbian is pretty good at it. The girls then have to shovel cow patties. Guess who is unable to participate. Corrine’s hands lock up when she touches a shovel for the first time in her life and decides to sit this one out. At least they didn’t have to do this:

Girls slowly confront Corrine during the after party. Kristina laid into her pretty good (for Kristina). Corrine explained that she lost circulation in her fingers. Again, since she’s probably never done anything physically exhausting she could be telling the truth. Just a little advice to Corrine, repeatedly telling people that you aren’t dumb doesn’t mean that you aren’t dumb. Kristina gets the group date rose because her tongue tasted the best that night.

Raven has the last one on one date. They start by watching Nick’s younger sister play soccer. Is there anything worse than watching girl’s youth sports? Raven is introduced to Nick’s parent’s and her dad immediately makes fun of tells her that her name is interesting. Wonder if he went with an Edgar Allen Poe joke or a Baltimore Ravens reference off camera. After downing some orange slices and capri sun’s they went to the skating rink with the soccer team to celebrate a 0-0 draw. How brutal would it be having a sibling 20 years younger than you? Can you imagine having to go and do that at 36 years old and everyone wondering which one is your precious angel only to admit you’re a loser watching your sister at a youth soccer game? 

The evening finishes with Raven and Nick having a nice dinner in a museum of some sort. She tells a very graphic recap of her walking in on a bf actively cheating on her. And I mean active. She reveals how she saw the other girl’s vagina and that there was thrusting. Might not have needed to include that part, but we got the point. Nick says he’s never cheated on anyone. I think he meant to say he’s never gotten caught cheating on anyone. Raven gets the rose because Nick liked the risotto at the meal.

The pace finally picked up at the rose ceremony. Danielle, who already has a rose, decides to steal Nick away. Doesn’t sit well with Taylor. She goes and makes a bit of an awkward interruption. Corinne then decides she’s had enough of Taylor and a confrontation occurs. Taylor then sets up shop and starts diagnosing:

Let’s not forget I diagnosed this happening way back in my bachelor preview:

The episode again ends right before the rose ceremony. Are you telling me you couldn’t cut enough from the dates this week to squeeze that in? Oh well. At least they left us wanting more. Maybe make sure the action is a little more balanced next week, ok?

See ya next week

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

Do you want a girl or a woman?

Remember how Nick tried to convince everyone on bachelor in paradise that he’s actually a good guy trying to find love and not just out and about whoring around? Remember how he threw it all away last night? This guy doesn’t get it. This is your 4th time on the show because what you are doing previously isn’t working. Yes, Corrine is really hot and is DTF when she isn’t sleeping, but can’t you get that anytime you want? You're 36 bro. You aren’t in a frat anymore. You need to decide if you want a wife or a fuck buddy. This might be the best looking most down to earth cast I’ve seen on this show. There is a big difference between ending the show feeling like your in paradise, and ending up back on bachelor in paradise.

We start this episode cleaning up after last episode. Nick tells everyone that he and Liz got after it at Jade and Tanner’s wedding with this little shit eating grin on his face:

No big reactions from any of the ladies when this news is revealed. The cocktail party is spent mostly with each talking to him about how they feel about it, except of course Corrine. This news about Liz has made her think she needs to step her game up. She decides to channel her inner Ali Larter and go all Varsity Blues on Nick with some whip cream body art:

Corrine being the classy lady that she is wasn’t as quite provocative with the placement, but she still got Nick to lick her boob. They are interrupted by Jasmine which sends Corrine back to her room in tears and eventually falling asleep. She already has a rose so no need to show up to the ceremony, right?

Rose ceremony has 3 girls end up saying their goodbyes:

Can someone explain to me how Josephine is still there and Hailey isn’t? Just to give you a visual recap. Nick sent this girl home:

(Sorry for blurriness)

...over a girl that looks like the rejected sister from Hocus Pocus:

Maybe Corrine’s whip cream incapacitated him in some manner.

The next day we have the group date. They get to dance with the backstreet boys. Are they still a thing? Do they make new music? I’m not trying to find out because I don’t want that in my browser history. No Google, I’m not interested in backstreet boys tour dates. The girls are going to be on stage later that night so they start practicing with a little choreographed routine planned dancing. It is here we find out that Corrine can’t dance. I think she can dance, but it’s probably more Jersey Turnpike and less routine based. This of course sends her running into the bathroom crying. Not sure if she took a nap afterwards. Girls get up on stage and the BS Boys select Danielle L as the winner. Her and Nick dance, they serenade them, Corrine is not happy. She has a little chat with Nick at the after party and then decides to take a nap. After awaking from her slumber she informs everyone that she has a nanny. Do you think Chris Harrison will let Corrine take her nanny with her to bachelor in paradise next year? Could be a good love interest for Jorge the bartender (and not because the nanny is probably Hispanic, it just worked out that way). Anyway, I’m pretty sure that most rich families that still have an adult child living at home with them have a Spanish speaking housekeeper:

One on one this week goes to Vanessa. Full disclosure, I’m a big fan of Vanessa. What is not to like? Gorgeous, smart, hot as hell. That’s why I think she’ll be the bachelorette. Nick won’t pick her because he’s a moron and everyone else watching this show will fall in love with her when she is inevitably dumped for the most insane reason ever. Back to the date. Vanessa and Nick get to experience zero gravity in some sort of fancy airplane. It could have been Nick, but I think it was the zero g’s that Vanessa ended up throwing up. They had bags on standby, but I’ll admit I was a little disappointed that we didn’t get to see any space chunks floating by. For some reason a little puke didn’t stop them from making out shortly after. Once back on the ground the two space cadets had a nice little dinner. During conversation Nick starts tearing up because of how awesome Vanessa is. If girl is just talking and you get emotional out of nowhere, prob should give her the final rose right now because you know he’s going to screw it up between now and then. I mean we didn’t even get to the end of the episode where he already tried throwing it away (more on that in a bit). As I’ve said multiple times, this cast is one of the best but right now it’s; Happiness = Vanessa > everyone else. The only problem is that Nick is the one trying to solve the equation.

Last group date involves track and field and former Olympians, of which the most noteworthy is Carl Lewis. While Carl will forever be celebrated for his accomplishments at the Olympics, Charlie Steiner and I will always remember him for this:

The girls are asked to do silly challenges to show their love for Nick. Jaime the lesbian somehow isn’t good at any of them. One girl noted that Astrid needed an extra bra, or 3. Speaking of Astrid she won the challenge and was rewarded a dip in the hot tub with Nick. Later that evening Nick made out with as many girls as he could. He decided to do so on a picture of himself from the track and field date with Alexis. I guess making out on yourself is better than making out with yourself, right A-Rod:

Dominique commits the tragic mistake of confronting the bachelor about things not being fair for her. She is met with a quick kick to the curb. Rachel ends up getting group date rose.

Chris Harrison announces that Nick wants to have a pool party instead of the traditional cocktail ceremony. We cut to Astrid who is lotioning and oiling her big naturals:

This pool party turns into a 2 person party when Corrine invites Nick into the bouncy house that appeared out of thin air in front of the house. She pretty much dry humps him while others looks on in horror. Most girl are appalled with what happened, Vanessa is appalled at Nick. She understands that the 24 year old that lives at home with a nanny might be a little frisky. The 36 year old trying to find love shouldn’t be so quick to entertain her. 

The episode ends mid conversation, but Vanessa isn’t happy. It’s obvious that she is the type of girl he needs. I hope she doesn’t win because she deserves better. Nick is a tool and will cheat on whoever wins this thing. Vanessa for ette.

See ya next week

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

Liz met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s Wedding

I can’t decide if I hated this episode, or enjoyed it. It really only featured 2 people, Liz and Corrine. Sure, I like looking at both, but they are terrible people. Watching them both make fools of themselves is satisfying, but kind of boring. In what world do they think their actions and motives could be endearing to anyone? Maybe they just don’t care. They are going to get what they want, 15 seconds of fame and an instant invite to bachelor in paradise. Can you imagine Chad on paradise with Corrine? Do you think they invite Jorge the bartender to a 3 way? You know what would make this season better? Chad

First group date of the season. Since Nick is just trying to learn these girls’ names why not take wedding photos with them. And if you are going to do something as ridiculous as pose for wedding photos for a wedding you didn’t have you better get an eccentric European photographer named Franco that wants you to make love to the camera:

I didn’t know that Swedish pop star Gunther had a day job:

So Franco gave each of the girls a theme and a dress and they would pose for photos with Nick. There was an 80′s theme, shotgun wedding, princess, and then Corrine’s beach wedding. Not completely satisfied with the bikini top she had been given Corrine decides to make it Janet Jackson themed and have a wardrobe malfunction. Off comes the top and she poses for pictures near naked with everyone watching like this is some Playboy shoot. You know my man Franco was loving it. Corrine’s malfunction may have shocked many last night, but can you imagine if Twitter was around when this happened?:

Corrine then proceeded to tell the camera about how no one has ever held her boobs like that before. Something tells me that Corrine letting a guy she’s known for a couple days feel her up is one of the least wild things she’s ever done. The rest of the date further supplanted Corrine as the villain this season. I think she may have interrupted Nick’s conversation with every girl he talked to. Taylor had enough of this and did some “reinterrupting” that Corrine was not fond of. All of a sudden Corrine was in shock of someone’s else’s behavior of not abiding by some sort of code that she clearly doesn’t follow. Corrine then gave a big speech / pep talk about how they are all there for Nick and things are going to happen. It was very juvenile and met with many eye rolls. The girls have clearly had enough of Corrine, but Nick hasn’t. She gets the group date rose and later proclaims that her dad would be proud. Whoring yourself out seems like a pretty low bar for a father’s approval, but come on, it’s current year.

First one on one date to Danielle M. Danielle is pretty and seems very nice, but maybe too nice. Lots of giggling and smiling in the chopper that eventually lands on a boat. They later head to dinner and start talking about each other’s past. Danielle knows nothing about Nick (lucky her) but opens up a little about herself. She was apparently engaged and her fiancee OD’d and now here she is looking for love. Isn’t that story just tragic and amazing at the same time? It’s just really amazing. Wait. Where have I heard that before?

http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/video/most-recent/VDKA0_ldp71j2n

I think Danielle has a little more class than past contestant Kelsey (we still don’t know that Kelsey didn’t kill her husband) and won’t talk herself up quite the same way. Danielle won’t win this thing, but I think she will serve as a good barometer for the show. If Nick is really serious about finding a wife, she’ll make it to hometowns. If he makes her leave anytime before that, all morals are gone.

Meanwhile back at the house Liz is chomping at the bit to tell someone her secret. In case you didn’t know, Liz met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She decides to confide in Christen. This proves to be a mistake. The date card says “we need to talk...” Liz and Christen happen to be going on the date. They meet Nick at a “museum of broken relationships”. Come on ABC. Can you be anymore on the nose? You don’t expect people not to believe this was one big set up do you? Until just now I wouldn’t have been surprised if they had rented some big warehouse and completely fabricated the whole damn thing. Then I found out that place actually exists:

https://brokenships.com/visit/museum-details-la

How do you keep something like that running at that location? Must get some sort of museum tax break or something. Anyway, each girl has to go up in front of an audience and break up with Nick. There are some failed actors performers that go first. Each girl does their corny little routine and then we get to Liz. I don’t think Liz understood that they were supposed to make something up because she actually broke up with him. Liz decided to rehash the night they fucked around and kicked him to the curb while Nick awkwardly stares at the ground and laughs. After this terribly constructed date idea finishes Nick is trying to find out who Liz told about their past. During these chats we find out that Jaimi has dated a girl before. I’m sure there will be more on that later. Nick is starting to feel better about Liz because he’s talked to every girl except for one and it doesn’t appear as if she’s told anyone yet. Through deceptive editing he finally gets to chat with Christen and it comes up that Liz told her. Nick confronts Liz and she does a horrible job trying to explain that she didn’t come on the show just to be on TV. Maybe for the first time in his television endeavors Nick does the right thing and sends her packing. 

And that’s it. No rose ceremony. No Liz fallout. We have to wait until next week. Some of these girls better step it up because without Liz there is infinite screen time available for Corrine. Let’s go ladies. Let loose a little more. Make your dad proud.

See ya next week

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

Limtros

I think I’m going to love this season. Not because of Nick, but because these girls are going to get after it. And by get after it I mean sex Nick anytime he looks at them. If you were lucky your DVR recorded a little preview episode on Sunday night to get you hyped for “the most dramatic season of the bachelor ever”. I like this, and I don’t. Sure it’s nice to get a sneak peak at what’s to come. I mean I live for the previews at the end of each episode. They take the best parts of next week and jam it in there. It’s great. What I don’t like is two fold. A lot of footage that was used on Sunday also made the episode on Monday. Just make the fucking thing 3 hours Monday night. Do you really think we won’t watch for 3 hours? Or 1 on Sunday and 2 on Monday. Also, we don’t need any big reveals during the hype show. I was kind of pissed that I knew Liz sexed Nick 9 months ago during Monday’s show. You want to show the contestants doing fake things at their job or going home to an empty house and meowing at their cat, go for it. But reveal a pre sexed fling that happened at an ABC sanctioned wedding? That is where I draw the line. Why don’t you just tell me who the final 4 are. (Please don’t)

The formula is tried and true at this point. They show the bachelor walking around gauging public opinion (some think he’s a loser, they are right), previous bachelors are brought on for advice (all say he’s a good guy, they are wrong), bachelor arrives at the mansion ready to do the thing. Chris Harrison tries to calm Nick’s nerves before the limo intros / Limtros begin. Not every girl’s was noteworthy and they sped through some so I’ll hit the high/low lights. 

* Danielle L let it all hang out:

* Taylor thought it was a good idea to tell Nick that her friends hate him (they are good friends)

* Lauren told him that his last name sucks (it kind of does)

* The girl from Alaska of course needed to wear a winter jacket in LA to meet Nick to show him she’s from Alaska. She then draped the coat over him like he’s a coat rack

* Sarah ran up to meet him in tennis shoes because he is always the runner up (not bad)

* Someone brought Neil Lane (I didn’t write down who it was)

* Hailey the Canadian made a joke about not wearing any underwear. I’m assuming it was a joke. There was a foul mouthed Canadian went pretty far making a similar off color joke:

* Astrid told Nick about her huge naturals in German

* There were camels and dolphin sharks. It was like a god damn zoo. The dolphin shark (shalphin) is actually a cousin of the hybrid animal, the liger:

Did you know Alexis also participated in a super bowl halftime show? She’s the "dolphin” on the left:

After the limtros things were mostly normal the rest of the night. Lots of small talk with girls walking up, interrupting, stealing away Nick. First impression rose went to Rachel. At some point we learned that Vanessa speaks 3 different languages, but teaches special ed. I don’t want to be that guy, but couldn’t she be doing something else career wise? Just because your students will comprehend you the same regardless of which language you are teaching in doesn’t mean it’s a good fit. Corinne has supplanted herself as the villain this season by making out with Nick on the first night. 

And then we have Liz. Don’t think I forgot about her. Liz was the Maid of Honor for Bachelor in Paradise’s super couple, Jade and Tanner. Nick was there of course (he’s a reality whore). They banged it out. She wouldn’t give him her number. All of a sudden he’s bachelor and she wants another shot. She gets out of the limo and Nick has this awkward look on his face. Like he’s seen her before, but isn’t sure where from. They exchange pleasantries and she heads inside. Chris Harrison comes out and plays dumb asking Nick what that was all about. Nick says he thinks he knows her, but isn’t 100% positive. If you had sex with a girl less than a year ago and don’t immediately recognize her you either forgot about her because it was that forgettable, or it was so bad that you needed help trying to forget her. Later that night Liz finds Nick and whispers in his ear, “meet me in Montauk”. Wait a minute. I’ve seen this movie before:

I may have embellished a bit on how that went down. But Liz. What are you doing? This is some serious desperate stalker vibes going on. He’s clearly not taking you to the fantasy suite because you’ve already, well, you know. Once this comes out, and you know it will come out, the women are going to turn on her. And it will be fantastic. I can’t wait to watch Liz on bachelor in paradise for years to come.

Nothing noteworthy from the Rose ceremony. Some questionable keeps for sure, but didn’t boot anyone I thought needs to stay. Thought Vanessa had a strong episode and could be final 2 material. Corinne is really hot and really crazy. Nick is the type of guy that will stick his dick in crazy. Both Danielle’s impressed. I liked Sarah and Kristina. Astrid is a wild card. I think it’s a pretty good cast for the bachelor being such a schmuck. I can’t wait to see what else happens.

See ya next week

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

Bachelor Preview, Nick sucks edition

Your number one stop for all things bachelor is back. Bios for the ladies have been released this week and I couldn’t be more pumped. I guess I could, but we are stuck with Nick like it or not. You can read about my disdain for him here. He’s such a smarmy looking tool bag:

This is his 4th appearance on the bachelor franchise (Andi’s season, Kaitlyn’s season, Bachelor in Paradise, and now the Bachelor). ABC keeps running this loser out there even though we’ve clearly had enough. He must test well with lonely housewives going through a mid life crisis wondering where they went wrong. His bio on the website will try and convince you that you and all of bachelor nation can’t get enough Nick. He’s painted as some sort of lovable loser from Chicago. I may throw up if they compare him to the Cubs. Good thing for you, just like me, we don’t watch for Nick. We watch to see what kind of bat shit crazy broads come out of the woodwork and humiliate themselves for the world to see. Let’s see what we’re dealing with:

Alexis

When you ask a kid what they want to be when they grow up this can elicit any number of off the wall answers. I really want to know why no one told Alexis to maybe pursue a different career path at any point in her life. Her occupation says she is an “aspiring dolphin trainer” and the fictional character she wants to be is the little mermaid. I am aware that no 5 year old ever says they want to grow up and be an accountant, but you usually grow out of the mermaid stage at some point. And what does she mean by aspiring? Is that like an apprentice? Either way, if Nick needs mouth to mouth on his blowhole Alexis has him covered.

Angela

When asked which animal she could be Angela answered, you guessed it, dolphin. Maybe Alexis can teach Nick how to ride a dolphin since this one is a model. Models have done very well in the past. You may remember Courtney going skinny dipping and sexing former bachelor Ben, eventually winning the season:

Nick, like Ben, also seems very shallow and if Angela also decides to take the bachelor for a porpoise pounding in the ocean, the final rose might be hers.

Astrid

When the bios get released for the ladies it’s an exciting time. Just who are these girls that we will be spending one day a week with for a couple of months. I try not to look at them until I’m ready to write a post because I don’t want to lose that first impression. So I am just as surprised as you to find out that the 3rd girl in a row has referenced dolphins. I’m not making this up. 

You’ll also see that she work in a plastic surgery office. I know those type of places are more accustomed to changing someone’s nose, lips, whatever. I wonder if they could change her name.

Briana

Is this some sort of joke that I’m not in on?

I know that the little mermaid is Disney and that Disney owns ABC, but this is getting ridiculous. Is this subliminal marketing for a potential remake? Is a live action little mermaid on the way? I’m guessing they would ask Emma Stone to play her. After Ariel gets turned into a person she can be played by Christina Hendricks, for a couple of big reasons:

Chris Harrison can play Sebastian

 Brittany

If the answer isn’t obvious, this question should be mandatory. As mentioned above, I haven’t looked through everyone yet. So that question might have been asked, but I feel Brittany would have been a good candidate. Anyone else a little bit let down of the role member berries played in the finale? Let’s hope they are brought back next year.

Christen

I had originally read her name as “Christian” and then came to the unfortunate realization that it is probably a new way to spell “Kristen”. She doesn’t appear to be into dolphins like the other girls so that makes up for it. She says she has a tattoo of the life of Jesus in symbols. What does that mean? Like, the stations of the cross (That’s a little biblical humor)? If Christen could break any law she would want to break into the white house and see what goes on behind closed doors. Kind of like these guys:

Corinne

Corinne has an online business, but never mentions what it is. Her answers are short and don’t go into much detail. She’s going to be the quiet girl that keeps getting a rose because she’s pretty and then towards the end Nick will realize that he doesn’t know a single thing about her and the one on one date will turn awkward. She also hates when her date is in love with themself. I have a feeling that she might not be very compatible with Nick.

Danielle L

The most interesting thing about going through these bios is when you see a red flag appear. When you answer Chrissy Teigen as person you most admire, there is cause for concern. A quick scroll through her twitter timeline will reveal that she is what some would consider a nasty woman. Danielle was asked what the most outrageous thing she has ever done was and she said it was climbing a cliff and jumping into the water with a nearby sign that said locals only. Here is one of Danielle’s friends starting a near riot to cap off that crazy day.

Danielle M

Danielle has some scars. Not visible, but the papa roach kind. I don’t say this just because she has two tattoos that are currently being removed removed, but the most outrageous thing she’s ever done is move to Nashville to put herself back together. A little further down in the bio we find out why. She was engaged and her fiancee passed away. Danielle is on the wrong side of 30 and running out of chances. One of her favorite movies is The Sandlot. She will be depressed to find out there are probably girls on this season that were born after Sandlot came out.

Dominique

Dominique is a failed actress restaurant server in LA and has an obsession with burritos from Chipotle. They were featured in two of her answers, including one of five things she can’t live without. This is not the first time I saw fictional character that someone wanted to be was Olivia Pope from Scandal. Do any guys actually watch that show? Is it one they pretend not to watch but secretly do? Kind of like the bachelor.....?

Elizabeth (Liz)

Elizabeth is hot. She is a “doula”. Full disclosure, I had to look up what that was. For the uninitiated, a doula is a woman who is trained to assist another woman during childbirth and who may provide support to the family after the baby is born. I have so many questions. Is that common? Is this something rich people do? Does she get to cut the umbilical cord? If you just gave birth and your body is still “recovering” do you really want a girl that looks like that running around your husband? 

Elizabeth

Elizabeth kind of looks like past bachelor contestant Sarah, if she had two arms:

I’m learning all kinds of new things from reading these bios. Elizabeth says she suffers from Misophonia. According to google it causes a reaction to certain sounds. It sounds made up (see what I did there). I wonder what sort of reaction she’ll elicit when she hears the phrase, “Elizabeth, I’m sorry. Take a moment, say your good-byes”.

Hailey

Hailey looks like she has better shit to do than pose for this stupid picture. I’m honestly not real sure why she even signed up to go on the bachelor. After being asked if she considers herself a romantic she replied that she’s not into making out all the time and being sang to. Have you seen this show before Hailey? She has what could be a record for this show, 7 tattoos. She is also Canadian. And we’ve had our fair share of interesting Canucks (Kaitlyn and Daniel to name two). I have a feeling that Hailey leaves the bachelor house with no new friends.

Ida Marie

This girl seems pretty plain Jane. Any rose she gets I will consider a pity rose, unless proven wrong. Ida seems like one of those people that has a brother that looks just like her. If you could be someone else for a day you picked Selena Gomez? I don’t think anyone has ever accused Ida Marie of thinking too big.

Jaimi

Jaime is a chef from New Orleans. Probably got her start cooking up some crawdads and gumbo. She fixes all her dishes Louisiana Fast (am I allowed to make that popeyes chicken joke? Too late). Jaimi takes this whole food thing serious because she has a specific diet. She is a  Pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian. That apparently means fish, bird, plus by products. Does that mean like, eggs? I sure hope the finger food at the cocktail parties is up to snuff. At least they won’t need to furnish as much meat since our good friend Chad isn’t here.

Jasmine B

Jasmine’s favorite author is Steve Harvey. Did anyone else know he wrote books? I’ll only know him for making fun of overly eccentric family feud contestants and doing this:

I mean, that would be like saying the wrong girl’s name at a rose ceremony...

Don’t fuck it up Nick. We are all watching.

Jasmine G

I did not venture over to the wikipedia page, but I’m pretty sure I can safely say this is the first time we’ve had two Jasmine’s on the show. Her friends have to call her Jazzy G, right? Jazzy G (we just became friends) is a pro basketball dancer that also picked Olivia Pope as the fictional character she would want to be. What is more interesting to me is if she could be any real person for one day she chose Guy Fieri. I say that because I was recently introduced to this clip and now have a reason to share it:

Josephine

Josephine is an unemployed nurse. Like, aspiring nurse? Aren’t they in high demand? If you are an RN how do you not have a job? I don’t see Josephine making it very far and will probably just leave it at that.

Kristina

Are all dental hygienists hot? I think Kristina is hometown date material. Her favorite show is Ninja Warrior. I’m surprised they printed that since it airs on a competing network. I am more partial to the Japanese version:

Start at :35 for JUMPING SPIDAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Shout out to Mr. Ninja Warrior himself, Makoto Nagano. He would dust those American fools:

Lacey

Lacey is a digital marketing manager from Manhattan. Does that mean she runs some companies facebook page? Her guilty pleasure tv show is Dancing with the Stars. Do females view that as a guilty pleasure? I feel like that would be a guy’s point of view. Kind of like how the bachelor is mine, except I don’t care what you think and I don’t feel guilty at all. Screw you. 

Lauren

We are back to the dolphins. Lauren wants to be one because they are cute and smart. I want to put in a picture of what a dolphin looks like after a shark attack and see if the girls all feel the same way. As a lover she describes herself as keeping things fun and full of adventure. I’ll translate that for you; she’s into backdoor loving. If she could go anywhere in the US she said state parks because she loves rock formations. Lauren probably had a pet rock as a kid.

Michelle

Michelle seems adventurous. She’s a food truck owner, speaks Portuguese, and has gone hang gliding in Rio. I’m going to guess that she is part Brazilian based on her travels and the fact that Portuguese is their national language. Her fictional character of choice is Carrie Bradshaw. Is she like the non political equivalent of Olivia Pope? Forget I asked. I don’t care.

Olivia

Is this our first Alaskan? Do Alaskans have Canadian accents? Nick should keep her around for hometowns just to get a free trip and check it out. Do Canadians refer to Alaska as their hat? Sideways hat? Gangster hat! Olivia actually has a great embarrassing moment,  “when I was a maid of honor for the first time. The speech I gave was so bad that I just started crying, had to stop the speech and sit down.” Props for admitting that.

Rachel

Rachel is an attorney from Dallas, TX. She is a little late to the dating scene. Rachel admits that her career has gotten in the way of finding love. She references it a few times in just a couple of questions on the website. I see Rachel a victim of things moving a little too fast for her on this show. She’ll catch a glimpse of Nick making out with someone on the second date and she just won’t be able to even.

Raven

We can all agree that Raven is the girl that everyone is going to hate, right? She just has that look. Nothing else in the bio really jumps off the page to convince me of that though. She’s a fashion boutique owner. Says she’ll use cosmetic procedures to help prevent aging. Hmm. On second thought maybe she sounds the part as well. We need a good villain. I think Olivia was the last one we had. She was great tv.

Sarah

Sarah kind of reminds me of a poor man’s Sarah Hyland:

I think it’s the high cheek bones. By the way, new bio question alert. Which political party do you align with? That sounds like a dangerous one. She answered Democratic socially, Republican economically. I feel like there is a word for that. I wonder if Gary Johnson knows:

Let’s just hope Chris Harrison doesn’t ask anyone about their thoughts on Aleppo.

Susannah

Another Chrissy Teigen fan. Ugh. Susannah has an elephant tattooed on her back for some reason. Nothing else worth pointing out. Kind of boring.

Taylor

Taylor is a mental health counselor. Well Taylor, you’ve come to the right place. This place will look like a buffet for her. I don’t think a bachelor contestant has ever had the opportunity to pick up so many clients relating to their job. The most romantic present she’s ever received is a little troubling. She says it was a card because she loves words of affirmation. I think Taylor is going to be a little jealous when other girls are getting just more than words when it comes to affirmation. It also screams of her being needy. She’s already dealing with people that are fucked up all day. This will be an easy pass for Nicholas.

Vanessa

Another Canadian. Vanessa is a special ed teacher. Not quite mental health counselor, but close. She lists patience as one of her best attributes. I would think her job kind of requires it. If Vanessa could be any fruit or vegetable she said an onion. If you follow this blog at all you know exactly what link is coming:

Ashley S. Never forget.

Whitney

Whitney has that mysterious look. You want to know more? Come and get it. She is a pilates instructor so you know she is limber. Nick has a reputation of banging it out on this show so she is a strong candidate. Do you think he decides to have his own little fantasy suite before the fantasy suite? What odds do we give him? I’m going to set them at 3:1. You know he’s going to try and get Chris to have the fantasy suite date as early as he can to include more ladies. If he convinces everyone that he needs more than 3, then he’s earned it.

That’s it. Take a good look. This is what Nick has to work with. I think we have a decent cast. Nick is a tool, but as we all know, the girls are what makes the show. And now we wait. Premiere night is January 2nd. Get excited.

See ya after the premiere

- Nick

[thefantasysuite]

Go Away Nick

So it’s probably been about 3 weeks since our new bachelor was announced. As you can tell, I’m not a big fan of the decision. Nick is like Tim Tebow in that I’m so tired of hearing about him. Females however can’t seem to get enough. The ones I spoke with couldn’t be happier. I would love to see the breakdown of how people felt about Nick being the bachelor by gender. And yes, there are enough guys that watch the show:

So the Nick redemption tour has been complete. How did this happen? How did we get here? People hated this guy after Andi’s season. You don’t become likable after being so hated. It’s supposed to work the other way:

Juan Pablo style

I’m convinced that his mumbling played a part. When he talks he almost slurs his speech. It’s an obvious yet somehow subtle flaw. It’s not that you feel sorry for him, but he is seen as vulnerable. Almost endearing. Let’s look at the facts though. He’s been on the bachelorette twice, bachelor in paradise, and now the bachelor. He’s a fame whore and likes to chase skirt. Let’s revisit bachelor in paradise just for a bit. I won’t get into the fact that I’m blown away that 3 couples got engaged after hanging out with each other on a beach for a few weeks, but Nick decided to pass on this girl: 

He said no thanks to her. WTF? I’m sure it didn’t happen this way, but the conspiracy theorist in me wants to know when Nick was asked about being the bachelor. Did they maybe, possibly, give him a hint or two when he was in Mexico? 

Nick gets back from date with hot ass Jen

Producer: 

Hey Nick, what do you think about becoming the next bachelor this year?

Nick:

Well, I just got back from a date with hot ass Jen and i think I really like her

Producer:

We’ll find 25 hot ass Jen’s that you can pick from. We’ll make sure to edit you in a favorable light so that America loves you

*thought bubble* - Chase and Luke from last season would be so boring, please say yes

Nick:

How do you want me to end it with Jen

Producer:

Just give her the ole it’s not you, it’s me

Nick:

I mean, the timing of the announcement was very strange. On the after show when he is still on trying to get with someone on paradise? When has the bachelor franchise ever actively spoiled their own show? Did they need to start the Nick is the bachelor press release that soon? Hopefully Jen returns to paradise next year, but I wouldn’t blame her for not wanting to be anywhere near it.

While I’m on the topic of Bachelor in Paradise, just a few notes:

Michelle Collins is horrible and a big mouth

James Gunn was awesome

Paul Scheer and his German dude were fantastic

Evan and Carly, what the hell was that

Chad and Daniel need their own show

Does Josh love pizza/Amanda’s face more than anything else

Can you imagine asking Caila where she wants to eat tonight

I don’t think a date has been given for when the show will premier, but I’m sure it will be polarizing. Even though Nick sucks let’s be honest, the ladies will make the show. I’m sure I’ll pop back on here for a post when the trailer/commercials start appearing on TV. I’ll be sure to shit on Nick when they do.

See ya next whenever

- Nick