theflytrapchronicles

[theflytrapchronicles]

Great day with the Dogs

Happy Sunday, folks! May it be a blessed one.

Today has been a great day with the dogs.

This morning I played soccer with Lux while tugging with Hemlock. What a workout for all of us! I enjoyed this arrangement more so than having one dog in a down, waiting their turn. This usually involves someone whining with jealousy and anticipation, which can get annoying if you're sound sensitive like I am. Playing with both of them at the same time, though, required my entire focus; I loved engaging with them, and they with me.

Afterwards, we ate breakfast. I put them away for half an hour to reduce the risk of bloating. They were both fairly stimulated after our play session.

Next, I did individual OB with both of them. Lux was superb, as always. She loves to work; loves the rules of the game; loves to earn her reward with vigor. Hemlock is still learning to not jump up every two seconds and bite. We are gradually switching him from a food reward to a toy reward, which is why I am offering him as much patience as possible. He's still a titch too immature to take work seriously; he very much is a "I want to play" puppy mentality, which I expect from a 7 month old. I'm possibly moving too fast to a toy reward with him, but that's usual for me: I'm always moving through the steps too quickly.

What I will say, though, is that his OB commands for a toy reward are coming out really nicely. I've been incorporating them into the play session, which has made his movements full of eagerness. Everything he does, he does promptly, albeit still lacking in precision. Precision will come, though, with reinforcement and specification on my end. Right now, I'm just glad he's following his commands for a toy reward. I'll ask for precision out of him later on down the road.

We also played a game of fetch for about ten minutes. I need to introduce Hemlock to hunting for the ball, but I've lost access to my Fenzi account. I'll have to wait until I have it in my budget to reboot my library access. I have the scent kit, but not the lessons. I may start by having him hunt for his food. So far when I've had him hunt for a ball, he just stops and stares at me, "what am I supposed to be doing?" "What is Find?" "Confusion."

It's ok. I'm just happy I have the motivation to train again.

Today has been a great day with the dogs, and we've still got another half day left to go before it's over.

I love that he's worn out enough to find his Benebone and chew contentedly. Makes me feel good about myself knowing I have met his needs for stimulation.

I've said it already, but I'll say it again:

Today has been a great day with the dogs.

[theflytrapchronicles]

Divine Timing

I have faith that God is going to offer me answers for what I went through. Waiting for those answers is hard, though. Patience is not my strong suit, but I understand patience is what is needed when giving everything to God. He works on His time, not mine. Trust in divine timing is much easier said than done.

[theflytrapchronicles]

Today, I completed an Autism assessment with my therapist.

Autism can co occur with Schizoaffective Disorder.

I feel blindsided by this, but I'm getting answers. Thankful to the people who guided me towards help, and for God who guided me to seek help.

I have gone from homeless and confused to living with my parents and finding clarity. I cannot wait to see how I evolve from here.

Do you hear what I just said?

Hope -- I have hope for the future. I have not had hope in a very long time.

God is Good.

[theflytrapchronicles]

Have You Ever Been Called a Narcissist?

I have.

I have also called someone the dreaded N word as well, unequipped at that time with the knowledge that someone can demonstrate narcissistic behaviors without being a diagnosable Narcissist.

The odds that you are dealing with a true Narcissist are slim. According to research, about .5% of the population of the United States are diagnosable Narcissists. The truth is that most likely you are dealing with someone who is self centered; someone who is capable of self reflection, and simply needs the courage to do so in order to change their perspective and their attitude. Finding that courage can be hard. Whether or not you have the patience to wait on and/or help someone find that courage is up to you, but that could be an expression of condependence as much as it is loyalty. It's entirely up to you and what your boundaries allow you to tolerate.

The selfish behaviors offered still cause damage and lack justification, but hopefully understanding that you're dealing with someone who needs to and can grow will help you find the patience needed to focus on your own healing.

Now, as someone who has been called a narcissist, I want to say that I understand how painful it feels, especially when coming from individuals you believed to be your friends.

However, if you can neatly tuck your pain to the side, I would ask for you to take in a deep breath and reflect on the why behind the accusation. Why is someone saying this about you in the first place? Is the allegation completely unfounded? Is this person, or group of people, saying so truly from a place of malice? Or is there a possibility that you have behaved in a manner that led them to draw this harsh conclusion?

To be honest, in my case, it depends entirely on to whom you talk.

Red flag #1: I currently have no close friends left; my inner circle has been razed to the ground. Red flag #2: I have family members with whom I share fractious relations. Red flag #3: My most recent job history reflects short term stays, and most likely my coworkers and managers will report that I am hot headed and temperamental. Some might even say I am "holier than thou".

I have two things to say to those remarks. The first is to believe them. I have acted out, but when I do it's predictable -- there are reasons for it. So, make sure to get all sides of a story because the picture painted by one party may blur the entire image if you do not.

Secondly, I have always viewed the world through a black and white lens, which often has gotten me into trouble with people I care about deeply. I have not always realized how powerful my words can be, and I fling them forward like spears into fish, staking my companions' hearts and roasting them over an open flame with my choice of language and tone. My tone can be quite scathing -- I could flay the skin from one's bones if I wanted. I believed quite strongly that my sense of ethics was just as I was not the only individual who promoted my sense of ethics.

For example: I believe in reputable dog breeding. I used to believe in adopt don't shop where the dogma was that all breeders were bad breeders. I became acquainted with and befriended a German Shepherd breeder, however, who taught me about reputable breeding practices -- the three pillars of which are: health testing, partnering complimentary confirmation and personalities, and titling dogs to prove their genetic worth.

When I came around to the reputable breeding side of things, I started to harshly judge anyone who did not fit the criteria of reputability, but still chose to breed their dogs. The crux of the matter for me was one of life or death -- if you're going to breed, you better be breeding healthy, stable dogs, otherwise you're contributing to the overpopulation problem. It was quite popular on Facebook, in a group called Dogbook, to bash breeders for their programs' flaws. The comments could be quite nasty, and I pulled much of my attitude from the mindset of these individuals to whom I felt connected. We shared similar ethics, and therefore these were my people, and I believed it was socially acceptable to behave as they behaved on the internet.

Read that last sentence again. You could almost say I am blaming other people for my choice of behavior. That's rather narcissistic, isn't it?

The thing is, if we are the company we keep, which is a popular expression my former friends like to throw my direction, then surrounding myself with the language of this group of people DID in fact influence my behavior. I am even aware of an ER veterinarian who dogs unreputable breeding practices in the same condescending tone I projected. This validated my thought process that this was acceptable behavior.

I would often become perplexed that the clinics I worked for supported the breeders who were clearly just breeding dogs for color in order to make a profit. I would then vocalize my opinion strongly, loudly, with an air of superiority in my tone.

What I did not know at this time in my life that I know now is that how you speak to people about the things you advocate for matters.

You can be educational without being an asshole.

This is why politics is often a subject that does not get discussed at dinner tables around the holidays. Unless you are sitting amongst like minded people, a fight could ensue. People do not know how to speak on their passions and beliefs without instigating a fight, or coming across as condescending.

I say people, by the way, but I really mean me.

I did not know how to discuss my passions without coming across condescending to anyone. To be honest, I still don't. I'm trying to learn how to speak softly and gently; without feeling like I need to use harsh words to get my point across, and, essentially, be heard.

Passion is not criminal. Passion can be painful, though, if utilized incorrectly. I do not want my passionate state of being to result in conflict. I want to express my conviction with consideration for people who are learning or who, maybe, simply did not think of things from that perspective before. Marginalizing them while opening their eyes does not do anything other than make me seem like a bully, and that is not how I desire to communicate.

Self-reflection has taught me much about myself that I never saw before. This is why I know I am not a true Narcissist; I am open to and willing to change. It just took me a long time, and multiple burned bridges, to get to that point.

And for that I am truly, sincerely apologetic.

I cannot take anything back. I can only move forward and, equipped with this knowledge, make the necessary adjustments to ensure my future engagements are healthier, kinder.

If you've ever been called a Narcissist, I hope this helps you to do the same.

Chin up. (And keep going. )

Also, if you share red flags with me, I have something quick to say about that. I have always struggled with making new friends. I remember having friends growing up, but I do not remember how I made them -- they were just there. Have you ever read the expression "an extrovert met an introvert, liked them, and claimed them" and that's how they became friends? That's me. I'm the introvert. I think anyone who has ever been my friend has had to introduce themselves to me and start a conversation with me, never the other way around.

As far as my family goes... when people tell you there's nothing wrong with you and they use toxic positivity to try and crush your mental health symptoms, you kind of have to move away from those people in order to heal. You also go see mental health professionals and have them validate that something is wrong with you by having them confirm that you are, indeed, experiencing mental health symptoms.

So, while I may not be a narcissist, I definitely am something else.

... like Schizoaffective.

Get checked out. It's worth every penny.

(Just. Keep. Going.)