thefraudyssey-blog

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10 References Only people with Gum Disease will Understand

We’ve all been there. But maybe not all of us. But most of us. You’re at a party, everything’s going great, and you see a classic reference to the deadly bacteria inside your mouth that you can’t help but laugh at. Now everyone’s looking at you and your half-dissolved jaw with a mixed look of annoyance and confusion. You even see the posers, you know the ones with fake green-and-brown gingivitis spraypaint smothering their perfectly fine pink gammies. This list for the real, the hardcore, the OG Gum-bois. Let’s hit it up and gumsplain you guys and gals some real references ony you folks get.

NUMBER ONE: WHE N EVERYTHING TASTES LIKE BLOOD

Breakfast? Blood! Lunch? Blood! Dinner? Passed out cold on the kitchen linoleum because you did too many meths. Any way you stretch it, blood is on every meal of the day, and that’s DEFINITELY something those poser pink-gums don’t get. 

NUMBER 2WO: GUM HORMONES

You get it. Every damn thing you do gets fucked up, from having a kid to having another kid, to practicing your jazz solo. And it’s all because of you ding dang gums! One thing’s for sure: photosynthesis gives lots of necessary glucose to the plant cells. 

NUMBER THREE: Otto Von Bismarck!!!!!!!

No Explanation Needed. For Gumbois, at least.

NuMbEr FoooooUUUUUuR!!!!111: Jaw Breezes

We all know that feelling: the wistful sensation of awrm spring breeze on your exposed, decaying jawline! Words simply cannot express what kinds of both pain and pleasure arise from such a touch of God.

Numero SINKO:The real Effects of Gum Disease on your Daily Life (LOL)

It’s time to get real. Gum Disease is about as depressing as Shark Tale is amazing. it effects so many people on a daily basis that I didn’t even bother to check how many. All the real references to gum disease would too depressing to put here. So you put that in your pipe and smoke it, so you can feel what it’s like to have gum disease. This is real, and this is life: Gum Disease is Terrible.

Subscribe to the Fraudyssey for more WACKYLAUGHS!!!

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7 Signs He’s The Guy To Stay Away From

1. He wasn’t the first president of the United States of America.

If your “special” guy hasn’t run the country then is he really worthy of your time?

2. He’s under 6 feet.

If he isn’t genetically above the curve then how can he be in the top percentile of your heart?

3. His teeth are real.

If his teeth haven’t rotted to the core then what struggles has he really endured?

4. He didn’t die of throat cancer in 1799.

This one really speaks for itself. Have some self-respect and go for someone who will die at the ripe age of 67. You want to have some fun during retirement!

5. He’s for the two party system.

You want someone who isn’t black and white and can take the middle ground.

6. He’s scared to let his feminine side show.

If he doesn’t have luscious white locks and wear a little rouge, and neglects to wear the occasional wig, run in the opposite direction as fast as you can.

7. There’s no phallic monument created in his honor.

You should know from the moment you meet if he’s compensating for something.

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What is up with PIE?!?!

As a real-life Human with at least one lung, you have probably heard of the magical wheel dessert known as pie. It probably entered (or exited) any number of your orifices during your short, meaningless time here on Sun Planet 3. But how much can we really say about this crusty little guy? Who was the first pie dude? Why is it named pie in the first place? And what the heck are those stupid crows doing on my lawn chair?

The answer is not as really very uncomplicated as once may appear to the not professional points of looking. As it turns out, pies date back so far, I don’t even know! Pies were just like “Hey bro, I’m here, shove me into that delicious mouth hole of yours,” and humans were so totally cool with it. Actually, that’s what we thought until some idiot fell down a hole and found an old recipe for pie, dating back to old stone times. It even had a cute little picture of a stick dude putting other stick dudes into a box, and another picture of pies coming out of that box. History is cool! Haha, look at this bear, he’s all “Gimme your pie you guys,” and they’re all “Get outta here you dumb animal.”

So what kinds of things even go into a yum circle such as pie? Well, it’s actually very simple. Every pie has four layers: Crust, other crust, hollandaise sauce, and MYSTERY! Usually, first crust is put on the bottom, and other crust goes on the top, but daring people or idiots sometimes flip that around to be daring or stupid. This is called Crust Inversion, and can make the pie turn into poison or explode, so be careful all you daring devils out there!

“I know all this, you wacky goose,” I hear you say, “But what did you just say about the mystery layer? I really want to know about this from you, because you’re so awesome and cool and I want to be your friend.” Hey hey, champ, I’m just getting started. Mystery is the best part about pie, and is a relatively new layer OF the pie. Up until the STUPID 1600′s, people ate just the three layers of crust, other crust, and hollandaise sauce. THEN a London dude by the name of Arlmsburgh P. Whistlesnatch had his first pie munch and was like “guys this is actually disgusting.” and everyone was all like “Yeah lol, idk why we even eat this, but whatevs,” You know, like they talked back then? So this white male says “this is rubbish” and throws a whole bunch of fruits at the pie, a typical display of anger for the time period. Then a few weeks later he sees the pie just sitting there and eats it and then he dies but THEN another guy sees the pie and eats it and HE dies too but not before telling everyone how amazing the pie tasted. Everyone HAD to try this new kind of pie, and for weeks the smell of hollandaise sauce, rotten fruit, and dead people clogged up the streets to the point where that first pie guy came alive and went insane and burned down everything in London. Look, someone even painted it.

So yeah that just about wraps it up. Pie is so cool, and I hope you learned some tidbits to throw at your related ones during the holidays. Like if your uncle’s all “What have you even done with your life, you waste of oxygen and food?” you can always get him back with “I bet you didn’t know you can but bees in pie!” Yeah, take that, Uncle Danny. So happy holidays, I know the last week of the year is Dolphin week, so try to fill up on some crunchy Dolphin Pies, and until next time, I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC.

[thefraudyssey-blog]

The Top 10 Cursed Images of 2016 to Hex Your Enemies With

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Tony Bennett doesn’t realize he’s going to die soon

90 year old crooner Tony Bennett is a delusional old man. He has spent his most recent years on this earth gallivanting around with sex symbols "Lady Gaga” and author “Scott Simon” as if he were some spry 79 year old man.  His novel “Just Getting Started” is a spit in the face to whatever deity allowed him to outlive Frank Sinatra.  When confronted with death Bennett responded “thats just not a thing for me, I’ve got at least 1400 more years in this old bag of bones”.  The harmless old man, who could do no harm to anyone or anything, spends the majority of his days now staring at a turned off television, HOW FUN!

The liberal media will argue that the title of his book is some sort of joke, but Bennett guarantees that he will outlive everyone that he meets stating “I will outlive everyone I meet” in 1930 (a year in which Tony Bennett was actually alive) While this may seem absurd, the man has done so successfully before.  Perhaps the most inspiring part of Bennett’s remaining existence is the fact that he still performs!  The old man slowly walks on stage, drools all over himself and sings “I Left my Heart in San Francisco” on a loop to sold out audiences.  At points in the show, videos of a younger Bennett are played behind the singer, this often confuses the old man as he attempts to kill his former self.  A fan spotted outside of the theater described the show as “like watching a dog bark at its reflection in a mirror”. Keep slayin em Tony :) 

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WAKE UP AMERICA! Dunkaroos are RACIST!

For years and years we’ve been giving these so called “cinnamon graham cookies” a pass for their blatant racism.  The mascot is so offensive that it is difficult to look at.  The backwards hat is a childish form of cultural appropriation that plagues our modern world. For decades now the dog-kangaroo creature has been nothing more than just a pretty face to sell racist crackers. I must admit that as a child my first celebrity crush was the dunkaroo dog-kangaroo creature (but I mean who didn’t fall for those giant teeth), but I have opened my eyes to see the monster he truly is and you should too. 

For hundreds and hundreds of years the dunkaroo dog-kangaroo creature has been THE face of each and every stereotype and must be killed.  Trillions of millenniums have gone by, and the dunkaroo dog kangaroo creature remains a menace to American society.  Since the first moment of existence, the dunkaroo dog kangaroo creature has been stepping all over ethnicities with its giant purple converse. We need to murder this omnipotent creature before it further oppresses and shames every single race of man.  

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If You Want To Save The Planet, These Are The Four Things You Can Do That Really Matter, as told by the Church of Euthanasia

1. Kill Yourself

Nothing screams “eco-friendly” like sweet sound of the human population declining. To appease mother nature we must restore balance between humans and the remaining species on earth. Knife against flesh, gun to head, pill upon tongue; these are all experiences only true Jill Stein supporters will understand.

2. Abortion

“Women as the goddess incarnate in all her forms and in particular in the shape of the hag, shrew, or fury who devours life in her gaping mouth with her sharp fangs, has sovereign power over issues of life and death. Let us not forget that when she decides her children are fated to die, so be it! She is the mother of necessity. Like Lilith, she mercifully robs them of their breath. We are all on loan here and the death goddess must protect her own interests!”

3. Cannibalism

If you’re a true eco-feminist, you already knew this was the next step! Now we know what you’re thinking: how does one prepare the body for consumption? We planned accordingly:

Beheading: “When the bleeding slows, preparation for decapitation can be started. Continue the cut to the throat around the entire neck, from the jawline to the back of the skull. Once muscle and ligament have been sliced away, the head can be cleanly removed by gripping it on either side and twisting it off, separation occurring where the spinal cord meets the skull. This is indicative of the method to be used for dividing other bones or joints, in that the meat should generally be cut through first with a knife, and the exposed bone then separated with a saw or cleaver. The merits of keeping the skull as a trophy are debatable for two principal reasons. First, a human skull may call suspicious attention to the new owner. Secondly, thorough cleaning is difficult due to the large brain mass, which is hard to remove without opening the skull. The brain is not good to eat. Removing the tongue and eyes, skinning the head, and placing it outside in a wire cage may be effective. The cage allows small scavengers such as ants and maggots to cleanse the flesh from the bones, while preventing it being carried off by larger scavengers, such as dogs and children. After a sufficient period of time, you may retrieve the skull and boil it in a dilute bleach solution to sterilize it and wash away any remaining tissue.”

Bone apple teeth!

4. Sodomy

May we live well and die out. 

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11 Goats that Only 90s Kids will Understand

I still have my AIM

Gameboy was the best

Bill Clinton fucked me

Retweet this if you understand

SO TRUUUUU

CEREAL

Micheal Phifer was the best cat woman 

Rollerblading everywhere

 Kris Kross - Jump

Crystal Pepsi

Will Smith

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How “Clown Hunting” is distracting us from the real issues.

Photo Source: Cracked

In the last few weeks, we’ve all seen the phenomenon arise of “clowning” where usually very well adjusted young men try to have some good old-fashioned fun by dressing up as clowns and running at strangers. This is, of course, hysterical, but not everyone agrees. In response to this hilarious joke, some kids who are jealous they didn’t think of this first have been attacking these artistic geniuses. They tend to call this “Clown Hunting.”

Is this really how far America has fallen? Don’t you see what this is doing to us? Don’t any of these people know that there are real monsters in this country?Native Americans protecting their land, people who have sex with different people than I have deemed normal, vaguely Mexican looking people, for god’s sake there are people in this country that aren’t even white and we are wasting our violent mob energy on clowns??? WAKE UP SHEEPLE! Stop disgracing America and get back to beating the shit out of people who don’t look, sound, or act exactly like you do.

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Why a cisgendered Bear like me won’t be voting for Hillary

Let me begin by informing you all that this coming election is a BIG one for us cisgendered bears.  Our values are under attack, and the salmon based housing market is teetering on the edge of collapse. Now I know what you’re thinking “a cisgendered bear who is NOT voting for Hillary, what is this 2008” haha, well its true and I’m proud of it. After watching the first debate from outside of a young Alaskan couple’s bedroom window I realized something, former secretary of state Hillary Clinton didn’t mention cisgendered bear’s ONCE in her speech?!?!?!?!?!?! EXCUSE ME WHATT?!?! DOES SHE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY FISH CARCASSES I’VE DONATED TO THAT CAMPAIGN?!?!? At that very moment I saw that this was not the woman we’ve been all been force fed by the bear liberal media, this woman was nothing more than some salmon loving puppet.  For this reason and many more I will be staying home this election cycle, rummaging through leaves and shitting in the woods.  Thank you and as always, GROWL GROWL ROAR ROAR! I’M A BEAR! ROAR ROAR GROWL GROWL! SNARL!

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9 Lies we all tell our Proctologist

Whenever we go to see our favorite doctor, we never want to let them down. Now I know we are all supposed to do the things they say every appointment: floss your butt crack, stop eating only twinkies for a week, wipe after you poop, but who really has time to do all that stuff. Now here’s a few fibs we’ve all been guilty of telling the man with the magic finger.

1. This is the first time this has ever happened. (Don’t be afraid to break out this one every time you cum while he’s up there.)

2. Just because it looks like I ate a child doesn’t mean I actually did!

3. Fur? I can’t imagine where that came from.

4. Of course, you are my first proctologist! (don’t let him get jealous)

5. Nope, no fists up there in the last month.

6. Yea I’m doing the sphincter exercises you told me about!

7. Just cause your brother is a heart doctor, doesn’t mean he’s any more of a life saver than you.

8. Don’t worry about it that lump has always been there.

9. HOW DID THAT BUTT PLUG GET IN THERE?!

I hope you all can use these quick fibs whenever you go to see your man with the magic touch.

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I haven’t had my period in 135 days, described by gifs from the Shining

“These are the things that defined my young womanhood. eight years of eternal emptiness years defined by the Moon By blood By hope and by tears I have not missed those cycles the moon rising within the blood that defined my loss and failure. My life has now become an hourly measure”

It was the eve of May 27 when I escaped my last bloodbath. The sacrifice had ended and I cleansed myself of any remaining sin on my flesh.

I waited each night for a month, bat in hand, for my week of torture to return.  

I waited for days, weeks, then months. She never came.

Slowly, I went insane. How could she be summoned? I hired my local witch to bring my period back but no tarot card in the world could fix my barren ovaries.

I dreamed that one day my body would regulate and she would surprise me.

But here we are, 135 days later. When my period comes she will come like a storm, for I am drizzle and she will be a hurricane.