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i’m a weird bitch. i know that by how many “friends” just literally ghosted/disappeared/showed very little interest anymore.
the worst part about that is even though it’s an easy “friends come &go” or “fuck it i’m better off without them” or “not everyone’s on ur same energy”
it makes me feel so much worse about myself.
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the things that go through my head & the emotions/feelings that i feel on the daily… it’s not worth being around anyone. i can’t believe i’m back at this point. at almost 31.
this is exhausting.
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i’ve made so many mistakes & wrong turns in my life. most days it feels like i haven’t made Any progress & others feel like more and more regret & 10 steps back.
i’ve gotten to a point where i don’t think i’ll ever accept myself or be happy. happiness is just a Moment, it’s not lasting; at least for me anyway.
i’m so lost in my head i don’t see a way out.
i’ve mastered masking how i truly feel. i don’t want to hurt anyone. i want to… ???
idk what i want, what i like, WHO I AM.
have i been dissociating this whole time? all these years?
wondering if i’ll ever be happy seems pointless when i feel/know that i won’t be truly.
most times i just want to be alone. no one else has to witness this or get hurt by this, by me.
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i’m struggling to see the light.. i’ve always found it difficult… but this time around.. idk
most of the time i feel maybe there isn’t someone for me & im meant to be alone.
i’ve become comfortable in this dark hole.
when i feel joy… i’m already counting down the minutes when it’ll leave because it never lasts..
i don’t know. i wish i could sleep into the end.
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your family can be so big, and somehow you’re still so lonely…
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sometimes i get so desperate to see & talk to you that idk how i’ve made it here… 💔
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after almost a year
you say “yes” to someone you’ve been talking to for half that time?
you belong to someone else.
you laugh & joke with me on the phone while having a gf.
you say you don’t know why you said yes..
you say you weren’t drunk..
you say you’re not ready to commit..
you say you were scared to tell me..
but where are you now?
porque las mentiras
if at the end you do whatever you want regardless of who gets hurt in the process?
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