thejadedqueerbarista-blog

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

monkey kitty

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

Hahahahahahahaha

yes, that is britney spears, (who has sold more than 200 Million records, has six #1 albums, 2 diamond albums, has more than 400 awards, and is worth 200 million dollars) waiting in line to be served at starbucks wearing pyjamas

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

Customers

Go fuck yourselves. The world does not, in fact, revolve around you. FUCK YOU.

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

I'll take "Stupid Fucking Assholes" for 600, Alex.

Alex: "The dumbest of all the fucking assholes" Me: "What are teenagers?" Alex: "That is correct."

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

Fuck Trump supporters. You are all disgusting pieces of shit. :D

when i say “unfollow me if you support trump” im not saying it ironically. no, seriously, if you support trump then i dont want your disgraceful ass to be in any way associated with my blog. get out.

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

I fucking hate people so much.

Control. Your. Child.

I was working the jewelry counter again when a page went out over the headset. “We’ve got an unattended child up front.” So our manager goes up and everybody hits the floor, getting ready to find this kids parents. He’s maybe five or six years old, and all he cares about is the toy he’s dragging around. My manager asks him if he came here with his mommy or his daddy, and all he does is scream that he wants this toy. I can hear him from two departments away. My manager, bless her heart, tried everything to figure out what happened to this kid’s parents, while deflecting the piercing screams that this child is unleashing. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a lady with a cart full of kids clothes and a pack of fruit snacks, but no child. So I walk across the beauty department and go to talk to her. “Ma'am, did you happen to come here with your son today?” She shakes her hand at me. “Oh, he’s with his father. They’re here somewhere.” (This child is still screaming in the background.) “Was he wearing a grey shirt with a red car on it? About this tall?” “Oh my god! Yes, that’s my son! I left him with my husband!” So I tell my manager that I’ve got the mom in beauty, and tell the lady that my manager is bringing her son. Turns out the little brat had snuck out of the fitting room, where his dad was trying on clothes, and tried to make a break for it. They’re reunited, and she doesn’t discipline her child at all. Just sets him in the cart and continues shopping. We thought that that was the end of it. About twenty minutes after that, the family has checked out and left, and a different woman approaches my manager and says “The screaming child from before… Had an accident… In men’s coats.” The little demon had urinated all over the floor in the men’s department and the mother didn’t even notice. Our store is not a daycare. We are not child care providers. While you’re ignoring your child, they could be getting hurt, destroying merchandise, bothering an entire building full of people, or getting kidnapped. You brought them here, so keep an eye on them. Control your goddamn children.

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

Had two "matcha waters" come in today.

... That's a custom tea, silly bitch.

There's a regular who comes in and always orders a "vanilla steamer with a shot". Girl. You're ordering a vanilla latte. We've let her know once before but... she still says steamer w a shot. 😂

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

This is how fucking stupid people are; the people we have to deal with everyday in our stores... and this isn't even the fucking holiday cup!! It's a promo cup! On November 10th, the holiday cups will come out... they are red. Everyone can go jump off a fucking bridge of sadness now.

.... I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. CHILL OUT.

So we’re doin this again huh. We’re just, we’re gonna start the fake outrage train day fuckin 1. Merry War on Christmas

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

#byebitch

So I come in first thing in the morning

Customer: can I get two Venti darks Me: of course! -goes to pour and run out after 1- oh I’m sorry I ran out but I’ll start brewing another pot it will just take a minute Customer: UGH. Nevermind!! I’ll just go somewhere else!!

…but it’s going to take more time to go somewhere else…..

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

Yes.

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

Amen.

How to not be a shitwaffle customer

1. Make eye contact. Say hello, please and thank you. This is basic “how to be nice to people” level shit. Baristas are people. Dont forget that.    2. Tip.  2a. Spare change is standard for a drip coffee. $1 for anything you can’t make yourself. $20 minimum for ordering frappuccinos for your kids entire soccer team.  2b. If the difference between a good tip and a great tip is less than a dollar, leave a great tip. 

3. Put things back where you got them from.  If you’re looking at merch and decide you don’t want something you’ve picked up, walk your happy ass back to where you got it from.  4. Clean up after yourself.  If you spill something, clean that shit up. If your kid pukes all over the chairs, FUCKING ASK FOR A GODDAMNED ROLL OF PAPER TOWELS AND CLEAN THAT SHIT UP. We didn’t choose to birth that hellspawn, we’re not cleaning up it’s bilious secretions.  5. Stop trying to game the system. You’re a goddamned adult. Pay for the drink you want and stop thinking that ordering it in a clever way will save you 30 cents. Just don’t do it, you galactic fucktrumpet.  6. Don’t hit on the barista. You’re creepy and your tired, flabby assed joke about “tall blondes” was never funny.  

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

Your kid's lunch can suck it!

This bitch housewife comes into the store last night and tells me I need to check in the back to see if there are any pb&j bistro boxes. Me in my head: HA BITCH! I ate the last one on my break!!! Me: Sorry, we don't have any. Her: This is the fourth store I've been to. I need them for my kid's lunch.... (looks at me like I should consider this of the utmost importance) Me: Sorry. (#notsorryihateyouthisishysterical) PACK THE DAMN LUNCH YOURSELF, DICK.

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

I do like something.

There are many things I like; love, even. I could eat Li Hing Mui strawberry belts until I vomit.

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

What It’s Like to Be a Barista

Every day, I want to just start smashing shit at my store and scream “WHAT FUCKING SIZE?!” over and over again, with every hit.  One could also scream “IT’S A FUCKING FRAPPUCCINO!!!  NOT A GOD DAMNED FRAPPE!!!”

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

Be more cliche, please.

White trash neck tattoo chick that still wears FUBU, Reebok and Juicy Couture.... I knew you were going to order that “ventaaaaaay Vanilla bean cream FRAPPE” because you are the most cliche mess I have ever seen.  Also, before you ask (which you did actually ask), it “don’t got no coffee in it”.  You are safe from any sort of classiness that may come your way.

AND IT’S A FUCKING FRAPPUCCINO.  (why is this SO GOD DAMNED DIFFICULT?!)

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

When I say “HELLO” to every fucking teenager that comes up to my register and they just mumble their fucking stupid frappuccino order without a return hello, I want to respond with: “Twat?!”

[thejadedqueerbarista-blog]

Indeed.  Fucking teenagers are the WORST though.