thejoelmh-blog

[thejoelmh-blog]

Moving Once Again

Hi There, I've decided after much thought to switch to a new blog provider @ blogspot due to a much easier system and better all round design. You can now find me here: http://thejoelmh.blogspot.co.uk/

[thejoelmh-blog]

A previous blog brought to vocal life. God I hate Charlie's Angels. Developer(s) Neko Entertainment Publisher(s) Ubisoft Platform(s) PlayStation 2, GameCube ...

[thejoelmh-blog]

A glitch found in the new Tomb Raider game. Lara's swimming abilities get her caught on land as she fell. Tomb Raider is property of SQUARE ENIX (c)

[thejoelmh-blog]

This chart shows all gyms and types used in all 6 pokemon generations, don't look if you don't like spoilers.

[thejoelmh-blog]

50 AWFUL things BETTER than TWILIGHT

Do you know what meme I'm sick of, 'At least it's better than Twilight', well no shit, most things are, so here's a list of 50 awful things that are better than Twilight and hopefully this meme can die at last:

1. Being shot in the face 2. Being shot in the balls 3. Being at a One Direction Concert 4. Being at a One Direction Concert whilst on fire 5. Being at a One Direction Concert whilst being touched up by Justin Beiber 6. Being at a One Direction Concert whilst being twirked at by Miley Cyrus 7. Terminator 3

8. An Aids Vampire 9. Being attacked by radioactive ninja owls 10. Using a party of Magikarp

11. Russell Crowe in Les Miserables

12. Getting a No Reason Boner in public 13. Being Thomas and Martha Wayne

14. Being Harry Potter's Parents 15. Being Voldemort's plastic surgeon 16. Being a grunt from Halo 17. Being sat on by Andy the Elephant

18. Star Wars Episode 1

19. M Night Shyamalan Movies

20. People who believe Creepypasta stories 21. Being raped by a german shepard 22. Being run over by a humvee 23. Exterminated by a Dalek

24. Deleted by a Cyberman 25. Converted by a Cyberman 26. Born on Krypton 27. Being Adam Orth

28. Stopping a Hydrogen bomb with your face 29. Being a Goomba 30. Being a Crabmeat

31. Being an Octorok 32. Being trapped inside Aperture Labs 33. Being devoured by Cthulhu 34. Being devoured by Unicron 35. Being consumed by Dark Energon 36. Being inside a Transformer when it transforms 37. X Blades on Xbox 360 38. Working for Atari 39. Waking in a bathtub with your kidney stolen 40. Being trapped in a lift with Kim Kardashian 41. Being Ozzy Osbourne's bat

42. Being a sentient foot 43. Eaten by zombie squirrels 44. Head cut off by a chainsaw 45. Falling through the sky without a parachute whilst being attacked by weresharks 46. Being shat in the ear by a reanimated corpse cow 47. Becoming a Yamask

48. Murdered by Bronies

49. Tomb Raider movies 50. Les Dennis' career

Now I suppose I should say some things Twilight is better than:

1. Charlie's Angels on PS2.

GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!

YAMASK PIC FROM XOUS54.DEVIANTART.COM

[thejoelmh-blog]

20 Creepy Pokedex Entries

Good Evening my children, beware for I am The Joel MH, bringing you horrors from the Pokemon Universe. But I bet you're saying, Pokemon that cute and cuddly series, not so my children. Here is 20 creepy pokedex entries, FWAHAHAHAHA!

"Its thin body is made of gas. Despite lacking substance, it can envelop an opponent of any size and cause suffocation" Just remember don't breathe or otherwise, you won't ever again.

#2 Haunter

"By licking, it saps the victim’s life. It causes shaking that won’t stop until the victim’s demise" This pokemon sucks the life out of you with it's tounge making you die of violent convulsions, but remember Haunter uses Lick in battle and even on poor little charmander in the cartoon, so how long does the Charizard have left hmm.

#3 Gengar

"Sometimes, on a dark night, your shadow thrown by a streetlight will suddenly and startlingly overtake you. It is actually a Gengar running past you, pretending to be your shadow" So what could the Gengar be doing in your shadow, what the other question is, what is it waiting for? Oh and by the way, there's more than just ghosts here.

#4 Kadabra

"It happened one morning - a boy with extrasensory powers awoke in bed transformed into Kadabra" Okay this one's not so scary, moving on.

#5 Drowzee

"It remembers every dream it eats. It rarely eats the dreams of adults because children’s dreams are much tastier"

#6 Hypno

"It carries a pendulum-like device. There once was an incident in which it took away a child it hypnotized" Children beware, you think Drowzee and Hypno are friendly pokemon, beware the stealers of dreams and children, my children.

#7 Parasect

"A mushroom grown larger than the host's body controls Parasect. It scatters poisonous spores." Take that 'The Last of Us'. Pokemon beat you to it. and you think I'm done, this is just Red and Blue, FWAHAHAHA!

#8 Shedinja

"Shedinja’s hard body doesn’t move – not even a twitch. In fact, its body appears to be merely a hollow shell. It is believed that this Pokémon will steal the spirit of anyone peering into its hollow body from its back" And guess what angle you see it at when you battle. FWAHAHAHA!

#9 Cacturne

"If a traveler is going through a desert in the thick of night, Cacturne will follow in a ragtag group. The Pokémon are biding their time, waiting for the traveler to tire and become incapable of moving." What ever you do, don't stop and rest in the desert, or they'll come for you my children.

#10 Banette

"Banette generates energy for laying strong curses by sticking pins into its own body. This Pokemon was originally a pitiful plushie doll that was thrown away" So those toys you threw away when you got older, who knows you might just find them coming baaaaaccck!

#11 Duskull

"It loves the crying of children. It startles bad kids by passing through walls and making them cry" You think this is bad my children, just see what it's evolutions do.

#12 Dusclops

"Dusclops absorbs anything, however large the object may be. This Pokémon hypnotizes its foe by waving its hands in a macabre manner and by bringing its single eye to bear. The hypnotized foe is made to do Dusclops's bidding."

#13 Dusknoir

"The antenna on its head captures radio waves from the world of spirits that command it to take people there." So, one can make you do anything and the other... will drag you off into Hell, my children, but don't worry, I hear it's nice and warm this time of year. But if Dusknoir is not your style.

#14 Drifloon

"It is whispered that any child who mistakes Drifloom for a balloon and holds onto it could wind up missing" It looses the horror in it's translation but in the original japanese it describes the world of the dead rather than just missing, Pokemon sure do love children, don't they?

#15 Darkrai

"It chases people and Pokémon from its territory by causing them to experience deep, nightmarish slumbers" A Legendary at last my children, the pokemon of nightmares, but maybe just maybe when your nightmares are terrible, you shouldn't blame what you've eaten,maybe, maybe there's a Darkrai in town.

#16 Litwick

"While shining a light and pretending to be a guide, it leeches off the life force of any who follow it" You think this bad, once again, look at it's evolutions, my children.

#17 Lampert

"This ominous Pokémon is feared. Through cities it wanders, searching for the spirits of the fallen. It arrives near the moment of death and steals spirit from the body"

#18 Chandelure

"Being consumed in Chandelure's flame burns up the spirit, leaving the body behind" These evil candies devour your souls my children, remember that next time the power goes out and you need a candle.

#19 Cofagirgus

"It has been said that they swallow those who get too close and turn them into mummies. They like to eat gold nuggets." But alas what is my horrifying is it's prevolution my children.

#20 Yamask

"These Pokémon arose from the spirits of people interred in graves in past ages. Each retains memories of its former life. Each of them carries a mask that used to be its face when it was human. Sometimes they look at it and cry" And there you have it my children, I've been as always The Joel MH, and remember my children, becareful because one day you yourself may end up a Yamask. FWAHAHAHAHAHA!

[thejoelmh-blog]

TheJoelMH Reviews: Pokemon X

Gotta catch em all, once again. I'm The Joel MH, I remember it, because who else will. Boy has this taken me a while to get round to this, probably cause I'm so addicted to playing it, I present to you, Pokemon X.

Before I begin I need to just get round to the elephant in the room and no not Andy this time. No it's the save file glitch in the capital city of Luminose. Basically if you save a switch off in the streets, your game is fucked. Well here's a simple solution that costs nothing, DON'T SAVE IN THE CAPITAL! Now where was I oh yes, what's the game about, do I really need to say it, Pokemon plays like it always does, child gets a monster and a dex and goes on adventures, fights some bad guys beats gyms and beats elite four and champion, catching a legendary on the way, it always happens. But this game does have it's own new starters with their own special stats and moves.

As well as a return of the original starters after the defeat of the first gym.

So the question you may ask is, well what's different, what sets it apart from the others, well for one it's in 3d.

Another fact of the matter is the game's type match ups have been changed, introducing the fairy type, which is strong against Dragon and Fighting, resistant to fighting, dark and psychic and dragon cannot hurt it at all. As well as including new monsters with this type a lot of older monsters have been changed as well. Monsters like Clefairy have had their normal type removed and have become full fairy, as has Togepi and Snubbull. Others have had it added to their type matchup such as Jigglypuff who is now normal/fairy and Gardevoir and Mr. Mime who are now Psychic/Fairy. There are more but I won't spoil them. But of course there is a new fairy Eevee as well, named Sylveon.

Other type changes are that Grass is now immune to the spore moves such as poison powder, spore, sleep powder etc. Electric types are now immune to paralyze moves and Ghost types can no longer be trapped by moves like Mean Look. Other add ons to the game include customisation of your character beyond gender choices, hair colour, eye colour, skin colour, costumes etc. Though at the start your choices are pretty much what gender, and three base versions of each, for the male, White with black hair, white with blonde hair and Black with black hair, though you can change hair and eye colour once you've beaten the first gym, hence why I started as a blonde. Also included in the game are places where you can take photos to be posted online on the Pokemon Global Link website which can then be shared via Facebook.

The GTS also returns allowing to trade online, except this time, all online options can be done on the fly rather than having to run to a pokemon centre, in fact, all that's in the shops anymore are the nurse joy, the pc, a place to change clothes and the mart. Of course the GTS has it's problems, one that is their, where trades that have already been completed are slow to be removed from the lists and second is more of a players fault. Stupid motherfucking idiots who think their low level monster for trading is worth a FUCKING MEWTWO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!! Okay I'm calm, I'm good, another trade option is called Wonder Trade, where you get rid of a monster and get something random in return, in other words, you dump crap for crap. Another form of battling has been introduced. Gen 3 introduced double battles, gen 5 introduced triple battles and rotation battles and Gen 6 introduced inverse battles where the type match ups are in reverse as well as sky pokemon which only allow flying pokemon or those with levitate as their ability. Wild pokemon double battles have been removed and replaced with hordes. You are attacked by five pokemon at once, all of which are far lower levelled than the others in the wild. Turns out you can get hordes of wingulls, I know that's someone's worst nightmare!

Of course there's something that feels out of place, oh yes, Pikachu. While all the other old monsters have their old cries, Pikachu's has been changed to match the anime, this wouldn't be a problem if Pichu and Raichu did too, but nope, still old cries.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DIlAtGF4Ow

Okay now we reach the setting, in case you haven't guessed what it is, look at this picture and you can easily guess.

Yep, it's france and the routes all have their own names as well as a number, all of which are french names and the game uses a lot of french places in real life as inspiration.

The french inspirations doesn't stop there, a lot of the music has a french feel to it and to be honest it's some of the best the series has ever had. Though this doesn't do this in battles, they have their own style. Though Mewtwo's theme is a updated version of the classic red and blue battle theme which sounds awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WdRAVNDPEA

Other new additions are Pokemon Aime which allows you to play with your pokemon, which can lead to your pokemon being more likely to get critical hits and avoiding attacks and is the only way to evolve eevee into sylveon.

Super Training is a selection of mini games that can raise pokemon stats similar to the hp ups and calciums, however this is free but you have to beat the mini games for upgrades which can get quite difficult.

Black and White gave us 2 rivals, well now we have four, 2 girls with the startes you don't pick and 2 dudes with other non starter monsters, though the dudes are hardly a threat, it's only really the girl with the starter stronger than you, you have to really worry about.

And last but certainly not least is the Mega Pokemon. Mega evolutions is something that can only happen to old monsters in their final form and this is not all old monsters. Pokemon such as Blastoise for example when mega evolved get more powerful, Gyarados type changes to water/dark from water flying, reducing his terrible lightning resistance, while pokemon such as Kangaskhan, well, when mega evolved, the baby fights too, meaning you can have 2 turns instead of one. Some megas are version exclusive like Charizard, on Y it's type remains unchanged but is more powerful, but Charizard on X changes it's flying type to Dragon. But to keep things fair, only one Mega evolution is allowed per battle and if your mega faints and you revive them, they will be normal again, being that it is a temporary evolution but it never runs out, and with the game's country being so huge, you'll have these from after you've beaten gym 3.

Speaking of the country's size, there are now 3 dexes, based on sections of the landmass, central, coastal and mountain and no there are not starters for each so in the mountain dex, Diglett is No.1. Each dex has around 150 pokemon in each meaning there are 450 pokemon catchable in the game. The one downside,new monsters wise there are only 69 new monsters but many have had their types changed and the type system has been overhauled, and this hasn't been overhauled since gold and silver when the only monsters that were changed were magnemite and magneton.

Oh and I forgot one little thing. Pokemon Black and White despite being good games had one little problem, they were kinda accidentally racist. The 2nd gym leader was a mamma, and black trainers were either dancers or sportsmen. This wasn't on purpose as alas people in Japan on this subject don't know any better but with this game, I saw a black trainer and was like, wait, he's normal, he's not a stereotype, thank the gods above, the stereotypes are gone!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=barWV7RWkq0

And oh yes, we also have the game's newest team, Team Flare, I won't spoil what they're about but they like to look FABULOUS!

But is Pokemon X good, of course it is. The game also came with a poster...

...when preordered and this little thing.

It holds games while looking like a pokeball, but you can't have one, HA!

I'm The Joel MH and if you excuse me I have pokemon to catch.

[thejoelmh-blog]

TheJoelMH Reviews: Quantum of Casino Royale

WARNING THE FOLLOWING IS PURE OPINION AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN 100% SERIOUSLY, ALSO YOU SHOULDN'T TURN AROUND, AS I AM SO NOT STEALING YOUR CANDY, NO LOOK AWAY, PLEASE.

The name's MH, The Joel MH, so what is the worst Bond film?

There have been many many bond films, some poorer than others, but two films have the reputation for being the worst, Die Another Day and Quantum of Solace. So which is worst... it's Die Another Day, but since that doesn't have a game, let's go with Quantum of Solace.

Quantum of Solace is a First Person shooter made by a little company known as Treyarch. I mean whose heard of them, am I right, I mean what the fuck is Call of Duty Black Ops.

In all seriousness, this game is what I like to call, a, Call of Bond game, where it controls for  the most part like Call of Duty. The differences are that you carry three guns rather than two with Bond's signature Walther unswappable. As well as the ability to hack certain doors and machines. The game even includes Intel in the form of random cellphones scattered through the levels as well as a cover feature that shifts you into a third person perspective and a melee attack that shifts to QTE's to silently take out the enemy.

Okay I'm going to back track here but I need to address the elephant in the room, Hi Andy

  Ok, seriously, how can I say Die Another Day is worse when Quantum of Solace was responsible for nearly sinking MGM, well here's five things wrong with Die Another Day:

1. Bond is ridiculously indestructible, HE OUTRAN A SPACE LASER AND SURVIVED A TIDAL WAVE EFFORTLESSLY!

2. Madonna sings the theme and she even gets a role in this. She already ruined this film with the WORST theme song ever and then this.

3. Halle Berry you can be a great actress, but really, really.

4. Main villian invents Twilight face before Twilight's even been written.

5. Bond couldn't tell his gun was lighter after Frost removed the bullets.

I could go on.

Now where was I, oh yes the game. The game starts off where Casino Royale left off with Bond on White's estate which is now filled to the brim with armed guards, that didn't happen in the movie. The game continues on through the plot of Quantum of Solace through 4 levels until Bond goes into a flashback, what, wait a minute, that's the chase scene from Casino Royale.

Wait a minute the next level is from Casino Royale as well, well how many of the levels are Casino Royale?

9, You've got to be kidding me, well how many levels are there after Casino Royale stages, well exactly.... 1. Not kidding most of the game 'Quantum of Solace' is in fact Casino Royale. Why? Well the problem is that Quantum was such a bad movie that it didn't have a lot to make levels on. Though 8 Casino levels if you don't count the level 'Casino Poison', a level where you stagger around trying to get to the car whilst avoiding traffic, and what is up with these drivers, what are they driven by all the women he's left, which is, calculate from the 22 films... 52 women, that's a lot of pissed chicks, though a few are dead.

Boss battles suffer from QTE's for the most part, except for the final Casino Royale boss where you kill with a one shot kill with a nail gun and the final boss himself, who really takes a couple of shots to take down at his obvious weak points, I mean environmental objects. But then again Call of Duty has never really mastered the art of the boss, with the exception of the final boss of Modern Warfare 3.

Another problem the game has is that despite being the official movie game, a lot of scenes have been removed, all we get of the car crash scene is an audio track for example, this is the OFFICIAL game, and you say you can't get the clips, what the hell?

So I know what you're thinking it's a bad game right, well.... no actually, I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's a good movie game, it's not spectacular, but it's not terrible, the casino royale levels are the real stars of this game with the Quantum levels being rather stale but then again so was the goddamn movie. I'm TheJoelMH, now if you excuse me I've got a midget assassin to lock in a trunk.

[thejoelmh-blog]

I had a Hiccup earlier...

[thejoelmh-blog]

A previous blog brought to vocal life. God I hate Charlie's Angels. Developer(s) Neko Entertainment Publisher(s) Ubisoft Platform(s) PlayStation 2, GameCube ...

[thejoelmh-blog]

TOP 10 WORST Pokemon

WARNING THE FOLLOWING IS PURELY THE OPINION OF AN OVERZEALOUS NERD, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Hi I'm TheJoelMH, now as Pokemon X and Y is just 3 weeks away and I've preordered Pokemon X, I've decided to take a look at some Pokemon. I've noticed that some fans have been saying rather bad things about modern pokemon like Trubbish, a living garbage bag or Gothitelle, the goth pokemon, well, I think it's only fair to show the worst pokemon throughout the series. 

10) Dugtrio (Gen 1) Ground type

Okay, we don't know what Diglett and Dugtrio fully look like, but from the look of Dugtrio, it's just three Diglett's as a gang, that's not an evolution.

9) Magneton (Gen 1) Electric/Steel Type

Okay Dugtrio may be three Digletts with a chance of me being wrong, but Magneton is just three Magnemites holding onto each other, at least it's evolution Magnezone is an actual evolution. Before anyone brings up Slowbro and Slowking, at least they actually fuse together and don't seem to be easily pulled apart.

8) Feebas (Gen 3) Water Type

What can I say, it's an uglier Magikarp that is rare and unlike Magikarp evolves from a stone based trade, so in other words, while it's evolution is good, it is more of a pain in the ass than Magikarp, seriously what were they thinking?

7)  Male Combee (Gen 4) Bug/Flying Type

What can I say about Combee, it's fairly useless until it evolves, which Vespiqueen is badass which makes Combee good, UNLESS you're a male Combee who never EVER evolves.

6) Grimer/Muk (Gen 1) Poison Type

Back to my Trubbish point, Trubbish and Garbodor may be living trash bags but at least there is more design effort than Grimer and Muk, blobs of toxic waste with eyes and mouths. Trubbish and Garbodor are FAR better designed than the two toxic waste monsters.

5) Voltorb/Electrode (Gen 1) Electric Type

Come on their Pokeballs with faces, one upright and one upside down, come on, they're the most laziest designed monsters EVER!

4) Treecko/Grovyle/Sceptile (Gen 3) Grass Type

Starter Pokemon usually learn fairly good moves and have good stats and are usually a good monster to keep around, but these three barely learn any grass moves, if you let it evolve at it's nature levels it will learn a grand total of 2 Grass moves !2! The gen 3 grass starters are the worst starter pokemon to ever be made, unlike the fire one in that gen.

3) Unown (Gen 2) Psychic Type

The letter based 'Legendary' from Gen 2 according to the 3rd movie. This pokemon comes in every letter of the alphabet plus an exclamation mark and question mark.

These things take up 28 places in your boxes and learn only one move, Hidden Power, a move EVERY pokemon can learn, they are defensively weak and offensively weak, absolutely useless wastes of space.

2)Pre-Volutions

Here's an idea, let's take a pokemon, make it smaller and weaker and have to go a crazy ass route to get a hold of them, these are SO useful.

So before I give you number 1, let's countdown... ah fuck it, we all know what they were, so let's just get to it.

1) Dunsparce (Gen 2) Normal Type

Dunsparce, count the ways I hate this piece of monkey shit. It's stats are down right terrible, and it is so annoying, it's special ability makes secondary effects far more likely to happen, so this little fuck trolls you with flinching chance of 60% and freezing of 20% if it gets the chance to pull it off. IF it gets the chance as this little shit will usually go down in one hit and it never evolves. I'm TheJoelMH and these are my most hated pokemon. If you don't agree with this list, tough luck cause this is solely my opinion, good night everybody.

[thejoelmh-blog]

TheJoelMH Reviews: NCIS The Videogame

IN THE NAVY, THEY DON'T PLAY SHITTY GAMES, IN THE NAVY!

Today I'm TheJoelMH as always except for last Tuesday, that was weird, anywho we'll be looking at NCIS the Videogame, oh I'm sorry I believe I've got that wrong, look at the cover below:

Yeah, that bottom bit is a notice not part of the title right, check the side of the box:

Yeah so the game's full title is NCIS Based off the TV Series. You see we're going to have problems here already don't you. 

Returning to actually voice their characters we have, David Mc Callum as Duckie and Robert Wagner as Dinozzo Sr. What everybody else was so busy, and of course we can completely forgive Mark Harmon, do you know why... let me get the picture.

Do you see a gamepad under Mark Harmon.... DO YOU SEE A GAMEPAD UNDER MARK HARMON. NO! Because Mark Harmon is cool.

No, but seriously we have impersonators instead, something very good, others... not so much. But we're forgetting the most important reason why any straight man and lesbian watches this show.... Abby. I wonder how she looks in this game.

HOLY FUCK WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED! Seriously some of these faces look so goddamn messed up. Not only that but the characters move around kind of stiffly.

Now let's examine the plot- well it centres around four 'EPISODES' that have individual stories that link up together in the end, beginning with a robbery and double homicide at a casino, the two murdered being former navy seals.  The game has you jumping between characters, taking photos at crime scenes with easy camera controls with either, Ziva, Dinozzo or Gibbs, hacking with Mcgee which is very easy, examining bullets, fingerprints and chemicals by matching symbols with Abby which is very easy, searching corpses with a camera with Ducky which is very easy, you see where I'm going with this, this game is painfully easy. I completed this game with full achievements within a few hours, that's right all achievements, because all are story based. 

The problem with this game is it feels like it should of been an arcade game divided into four episodes rather than a full price disk game, good thing I got it 2nd hand huh. But to be honest it feels like a poor pc port as you control everything with a mouse clicker using the left control stick, even having the occasionally action where you have to press A on a circle and drag in a direction. Oh and I forgot the deduction board where you use the clues to deduce the criminal's identity and the interviews where you use said evidence against the suspected, and this is the only bit that even feels slightly difficult even if it's just tedious. 

But seriously this game is so easy if it wasn't for the content of the crimes I'd recommend this for children and even if it was an episodic download game like The Walking Dead it lacks in any depth that the walking dead has. 

So ultimately do I recommend you buy NCIS, not really, unless you want easy gamerscore, I've been TheJoelMH, not watching NCIS Los Angeles, because there's no Abby, laters!

[thejoelmh-blog]

TheJoelMH Reviews: Bayonetta & Borderlands 2

As you can read above, this is a 2 for one deal, well, to be honest one of these games I wanted to bitch about but it wasn't enough to warrant it's own standalone review, oh and yes I'm aware Charlie's Angels was short, but with that game, I couldn't even think about it in words, it was so bad, I couldn't even swear but make swear like sounds, anywho...

Borderlands 2 is supposedly a really good game, if you can play it that is. After about half an hour of this game, my eyes started to blur like I had hundreds of eye floaters, so I took a break and came back 15 minutes later when my eyes had calmed down and then it happened again, followed by stomach pains and feeling like I'm going to hurl which I had to sleep off. Now I can play videogames for entire days without any issues, and yet I get fucking motion sickness from this game, why. The graphics are vicious to the eyes of a certain amount of people, which a warning is presented nowhere on the box about this problem, oh and by the way the graphics can be altered on pc to deal with this problem, console you're fucked, oh and gearbox were well aware of this problem and didn't give two shits, so if you think of buying this game, don't, rent first and if you don't have the problem, then maybe buy it, cause personally from what I DID play, it was rather standard FPS affair.

Now the main event, BAYONETTA!

Bayonetta has you play Bayonetta, the pole dancing witch fighting Angels with four guns, one each hand and high heel guns, not kidding. But the weapons are exchangeable, we have a whip, samurai sword, fire gloves and many more. Problem is, out of all the melee weapons the sword is the only one any good. 

The gameplay engine seems very familar, you wanna know why, cause it's a rip-off of Devil May Cry, though at least the game admits it since it has the achievement, 'Angel May Cry'.

The gameplay just like DMC is fast paced, but has it's only specials in the form of the torture attacks, such as iron maidens and those wooden horse like things with spikes on top that turn up in a lot of porn. What I never said this is a kids game, it is a 15 for a good reason. Also unlike DMC you can pick up enemy weapons after their deaths and slaughter enemies with them. The combat is filled to the brim with buyable combos and QTE's.

Oh money, this is where the game starts to reference other games , I mean who made it.... SEGA.

When you kill enemies they drop rings, I mean Halos. Oh come on they drop gold rings people, hell the first level you're in a graveyard burying a gangsta known as...

'EGGMAN THE DESTORYER'

So Sonic finally killed that fat bastard, by the way Sonic is not the fastest thing alive, that goes to Eggman, I mean come on you could never catch him at the end of the game.

Also we have a level where you ride a motorcycle in the style of and music of the Hang On series and a flying level in the style and music of After Burner, aah After Burner that game that burned up so much of my childhood. These levels aren't like quick shitty affairs like other games would do, no these are well thought out and work really, really well.  

The most important button you'll find is the dodge button. When dodging attacks at the last moment, time slows down and you can take out enemies easier and solve time based puzzles. Also later on the button unlocks some special forms which aid in your gameplay. Oh and puzzles also include time reversing hourglasses and the ability to walk on walls while under moonlight.

Plot wise, Bayonetta is being hunted by angels trying to kill her and she has a magic stone and across the world in 'Europe' you know Europe the continent sized country according to videogames, just ask resident evil 4, lies another one that can, say it with me now, "RECOVER HER LOST MEMORIES AS SHE HAS AMNESIA". Though I thought she was hunted for looking like Sarah Palin.

Lastly we see Bayonetta's climax attacks which summon demons from her clothing to finish off bosses, what, yes she becomes naked to summon demons, what it covers the certain areas otherwise we'd have an 18 rating, I mean come on their called climax attacks and come on I did say she pole dances, I did warn you. 

The game offers up a good experience in difficulties starting with normal for more experienced players with an easy mode, and a very easy mode for new players with hard unlocked later on., and it's theme, a remade version of 'Fly Me to the Moon' works quite well as a little hint to what will happen later on in the game. The only downside I found is that it has you refight bosses especially one of them but that's the only thing I can think of.

Recently looking through a gaming magazine both of these games were given 9/10 scores. Would I give Bayonetta this score, yes, would I give Borderlands 2 this, FUCK NO!

I've been TheJoelMH, signing off with Fly me to the moon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EV6E13xODyA

[thejoelmh-blog]

TheJoelMH Reviews: The Walking Dead 400 Days

Oh no I slept too long!

What this isn't season 2, oh okay, here's The Walking Dead 400 days.

Walking Dead 400 Days is a dlc that takes place during the events of season 1, set around other survivors in five seperate stories, we have a convict, a junkie, a woman trying to keep her little sister safe, a college student and I'm guessing your stereotype overweight bearded nerd. 

Shut up, I know what you're thinking.

If you're not aware of which walking dead game I'm referring to, it's the one for download via the xbox arcade and psn in episodic format, not the survival horror one, that was just plain awful. Beware the following is filled with spoilers, you have been warned:

At the end of the first season, your playable character Lee Everett dies leaving Clementine the little girl in his care all alone and at the very end, she sees two silhouettes walking in the distance and they turn to face her and she looks terrified and the series ends.

So you ask why do I bring this up, well 400 days has you go through these five peoples lives and depending on your actions, a woman comes to take them someplace safe and two of the survivors refuse not trusting the offer, so in case you haven't figured it out, those two survivors will be in season 2. For me it was the college student and the convict.

The five survivors stories are shall we say short, I'm not kidding, the nerd story lasts all of 10 minutes as does the college student's and the convict's. The sister story lasts a little bit longer, but the junkie's story lasted the longest but that's only cause I kept dying, and trust me the other stories were kinda really easy, far easier than the previous episodes. The sixth story unlocks after the other five are done and it's the shortest and easiest, only taking around half the time of a regular episode.

So is 400 Days bad, no, it's actually rather good, better than that other Walking Dead game, Survival Instinct, but then again being bitten by a rabies infected lion is a hell of a lot better than survival instinct. 400 Days is good side story and at only 400 microsfot points, i.e. £3.50, what's to argue. If you're looking for an episode that'll take some time, sadly this can be beaten quite quickly, no more than an 1.But to be frank 400 days is simply there to feed the fans fix until the release of season 2 later in the year and it does this job well. But the question remains, will you be playing as one of 400 days survivors or will you be in the shoes of 9 year old clementine, my money is on the latter as the last section of episode 5 was essentially Lee showing Clementine how to play a point and click adventure before he died.

But to put it simply there's not much wrong with this episode, which goes to prove not everything I review these days has to be bad, but it has it's flaws, but it is a decent episode, it's just that this episode won't exactly draw in any new fans, but that's not it's point, it's for fans and players of the first season and of the universe itself.

I've been TheJoelMH, blowing zombie brains out and getting drunk on cheese, goodbye for now.

[thejoelmh-blog]

TheJoelMH Mini Reviews: Charlie's Angels PS2

You know there are a few things in this world I can't stand, people who use my books or games devices on the can, boy bands, people who dress animals in clothes, reality shows, okay I guess there's a lot of things I hate, but most of all do I hate one player beat em ups, so here's Charlie's Angels for the PS2.

Charlie's Angels is of course based off the movie series starring Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and the sublime Lucy Lui, ahh Lucy, yes I bought Mirror's Edge, yes I prefer Volume 1 of Kill Bill over 2, what are you implying?

Before I continue, yes I am aware this is based off an ancient tv series. This game is wretched, it's one of those beat em up games where you enter a room, punch a few twats and move on to the next room where you do the same, the gaming equivilent of watching paint dry, at least I think that's paint. Oh but this one is different, you can select between the angels in different areas where... you do exactly the same bloody thing. So is there any way of holding our attention Angels, of course, the first level has them in bikinis, of course. But here's the problem, this game is on PS2, but it's gameplay looks like it belongs on the PS1 and nobody is really interested in blocky women are there, well except for the sad twats who went and hacked original tomb raider to see Lara's etch a sketched boobs. But of course the obvious problem is, is that it's a movie game and only two of those have worked, Goldeneye and X-men Origins wolverine whose games are better than the sodding movies especially the latter. I'm sorry but movie games 9.9 out of 10 are bad ideas, it's like dipping a badger in paint, you might paint your house if you use red paint, but that's only cause you can't tell from the blood after the badger's ripped your face off. 

The plot of the game is that the Statue of Liberty is stolen, yes this game doesn't follow the movies, but instead rips of Turtles in time with the angels globe hopping to recover the statue starting with a beach level and then to Alaska and then... I don't know cause this game made me want to cut myself. It's plain awful, I bought this thing from a used games store for a pound and I feel ripped off, I feel I should of been paid to play this thing. It is quite possibly one of the worst games of all time. The only way a game could be worse if it featured One Direction in the big brother house playing game boys on toilets and dressing up poodles. 

To finish off, this game is trash, all copies of this game should be hunted down and smashed, now if you excuse me I need to do something more productive, I'm going to paint my room with this bucket of paint and this badger.

[thejoelmh-blog]

TheJoelMH Reviews: STAR TREK THE VIDEO GAME

Reviews Log, Stardate 2013.0507

Hello I'm the Joel MH, punching out the gorn since 2012. Anybody saw the first Star Trek movie of the reboot, of course you did, well this game continues where that left off and before the new film 'Into Darkness' which means it has it's own plot and so it has a chance not to suck. So does it suck... of course it does. So how does it play, well, let's just say this game boldly goes where Mass Effect went before.  I knew this was gonna happen, I mean there has only ever been 2 good movie games, goldeneye 64 and X-men origins wolverine: uncaged edition. So you question why'd I buy it, well it was the advert, you know which one, the shatner and gorn advert:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09VxIwmL4FU

I mean when has William Shatner ever steered us wrong?

SHUT UP!

So the game story has Kirk and Spock as a two man away team through several missions fighting the gorn,maybe they learned their lessons from the 60's cause we all know the away teams usually included Kirk, Spock, Bones and Ensign Ricky and one of them isn't coming back. Of course this game does one thing that the 60's show didn't do. HAVE ALL THE STARFLEET CAST DIE BE RED SHIRTS! It's true some yellow shirts can die too, course this story is pretty much an updated and heavily altered version of an episode of the original series called 'The Gorn Encounter' even including a level where you have to take on a large gorn unarmed except for a crossbow and some plasma grenades, making a make shift cannon. 

So yes the game does play like Mass Effect, well I suppose it's a good way to start, ripping off a pre-existing good game. The weapons include, the phaser of course which can stun or kill and it's infinite for it's ammo, though it can overheat. Two types of grenade, explosive and stun and several other weapons that all go in one slot, i.e. you can only carry one addition gun with your phaser with all weapons with a secondary fire. But the question on everyone's mind is what is the difference between playing Kirk and Spock, well... not that much, there are a couple of story differences but mainly don't deviate from one another and Spock's takedown is the vulcan nerve pinch. Oh that and the mind melds, Spock can gather information from downed enemies to gather information. 

Sadly this game is filled with glitches, at one point in the first level, Kirk disappeared, I couldn't find him until I found him floating in a corridor, and in the longest level on the game, I had to restart every checkpoint due to constant glitches as well as an A.I. partner who is more retarded than a 'we love David Cameron' group who think that he's done such wonders for the UK by reducing the penalty of rape to a £150 fine and ordering the police to destroy all DNA evidence older than 6 months.

On a positive note all the cast from the 2009 movie return, Kirk is Chris Pine for example, even non playable characters such as Scotty as Simon Pegg. Does anyone else wish he worked with an alien that was voiced by Nick Frost.  But it is a struggle to find positives, I mean hidden logs around levels and other hidden items such as tribbles, which don't really do anything at all. The biggest highlight of the game, let's just say a fight between Kirk and Spock.

On the whole sadly this game is nothing more than another movie license game, sucky as usual, and very very short, it's better than a lot of past Star Trek games, but still darn awful with occasion good points. To finally score this game, I give Star Trek the Video Game:

3/10

+ Good for Star Trek fans

-  Short

-  Glitchy as fuck

-  Mass Effect Clone

So still no epic Star Trek game, a series that could really do with one, cause it taught me so much. Like how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female. I'm The JoelMH and... KHANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

KHANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

KHANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

[thejoelmh-blog]

TheJoelMH Reviews: DMC: Devil May Cry

Hello I'm TheJoelMH. Now I'm probably gonna piss off a few fan boys and personally I don't want to have my head cut off and rammed into the nearest postbox. But here we go. Why you may be asking why I’m worried, well, my title of reviews DMC: Devil May Cry is a half truth, while most would look at the wrongs of a game, I'm going to take a look at what is wrong with the goddamn fanboys. So tell me what is wrong, go on, I'll give you five seconds...

  you done, good. So let's start with the hair. Yes it's not white, okay and yes it is assholish to mock the fan base with that wig scene but ask me this, if your girlfriend or boyfriend, those of you that have significant others, dyes their hair another colour, do you dump her, do you take a shit on her couch, no you don't, and also you can buy the classic dante costume as dlc, next.

The name, DMC: Devil May Cry, why it's just saying Devil May Cry: Devil may Cry isn't, well it is, but I bet you pissants watch CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and never bat an eye, next.

  The character of Dante himself, now let's see old Dante was a cocky bastard with huge amounts of power, hmm, new dante starts off a little emo-ie but gets what's this, through the story he develops to be more powerful and cocky like his old self. You know it's bad storytelling to have a hero top of his game from the very beginning, it's a reboot, I.e. nothing before happened, which means he needs to become a hero again. Let me put it to you this way, Superman, the world's mightest comic hero, was he born fighting villians and super powerful, no he grew up, learned to control his powers, developed them, had an awkward childhood, it's called development, we don't just pop out of the womb with a suitcase in our hands and a business suit do we, no.

  The gameplay, aw is mr fanboy unhappy cause the skills are gone, well they didn't have them in 1 or 2, so get over it, instead we got the scythe, axe and the chain which can pull you to enemies or visa versa like scorpion from mortal kombat and I think at one point Dante even says 'Get over here'.  I like their additions to the game and personally I thought the skill thing was rather bad anyway. What else do you people want, the guns still shoot like peas against a tank and the sword is still present as is the devil trigger, come on, what am I missing people. Oh yes the difficulty, it's not as hard at first is it, like the old devil may crys, well get this, Ninja Theory, not to be confused with Team Ninja, a group who thinks an A grade videogame shouldn't be decided by actual gameplay but how big and jiggly the female ensembles tits are, decided to make it so that new players could play and included harder difficulty settings like Dante Must die mode for the older players. Oh that not hard enough like you get when you play really hard games, well get this Ninja Theory also released a dlc to increase the difficulty, and get this it's free, so shut the fuck up about difficulty, next.

  The setting, oh yes, no longer old castles but a messed up urban area, okay let me clarify this, do you know why Devil May Cry rebooted, one the series story had come to an end in 2 and they couldn't keep doing prequels and two, Devil May Cry is a product of the early 2000s when everything was hunky dorey, governments, banks and big business had not been revealed for the greedy assholes that they are and this series was originally meant to be Resident Evil but strayed too far from the original, but kept the old mansions and castles that Resi so loved. DMC: Devil May Cry however is a byproduct of the current generation, an era so messed up and close to an uprising of the world's underclasses that is a case of when and not if, which by the way is the reason I despise Black Ops 2, considering the plot is, the rich are being attacked by the poor and they stole our stuff, go take them out.

But don't get me wrong, I love the devil may cry series, I even have the Devil May Cry anime on dvd, but there is going to far with a fandom, being a fan of a series shouldn't take over your life and cloud your judgement.

But to reach my conclusion, those who just hated DMC: Devil May Cry for superficial reasons, go get your ass to the demo, it's free and play it, if you still hate it, then shut the fuck up and get on with it, I've been TheJoelMH peddling common sense to the masses.