thejyliekenner - Tumblr blog

[thejyliekenner]

Some people would say, and when I say “some,” those are the ones who are lucky, privileged, and mentally stable, “I want to have the relationship like my parents’”. Well, hey, good for you. I see that you don’t have any childhood trauma. Or maybe you do, but that’s just that one instance when your parents were supposed to pick you up at school and they were five minutes late, or you didn’t get the color you want for a bag, or, maybe, it was just that one instance that your parents prepared you a big party for your birthday and you didn’t like the flavor of your cake. Tragic.

Not me. Definitely not me. I’m far, way far from that. In fact, I’m the complete opposite. If you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering what my parents could have done for me to be writing about them in my autobiography, a requirement for a psychiatric rotation. I swear, I’m afraid I could be one of the patients.

I don’t know why I started thinking about my parents when our leader told us to make an autobiography. He said it should start to when your parents met—to by the time you were conceived and your mother push you out of her—to where you are right now. That’s a lot. My mind wander back to what my parents told me and my siblings how they met. This how it goes according to them.

It was circa 1994, at a restaurant in Malate, my father was singing on stage. He was an entertainer at that time. My mother and her cousins were sitting in front of the stage. They said they had a mutual friend so things escalated, they were introduced to each other and went on dates. My father would go to my mother’s house after every shift and bring her food, bring flowers, court her, stuff like that. My father would relentlessly visit my mother almost every night even when my grandma at that time was against it. I mean, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t like a man ten years older than your daughter courting her, right? So, yeah. I get you, ‘La. And, maybe after a few months, my mother finally agreed to have a relationship with him. Kudos to my father, the moves were effective. The courting was traditional and full of effort. That’s how they met. I wonder what that feels like.

After 2 years of being in a relationship, my mother got pregnant. That event is what made them get married. A civil marriage. I remember my mother telling me that when she got pregnant, my grandma was so angry she humiliated my father shouting the teleserye calibrated lines like, “Anong ipapakain mo sa anak ko?!”, “Magpakasal kayo!”, the whole package, the works. And then they did.

After a year later, I popped out of my mother’s vagina. It was October 7th, 1997. I was born on a Tuesday. I wasn’t sure about the exact time but how cool would that be if I actually knew what time I was born? I could probably tell what my day would be based on my horoscope. Anyway, as a woman of science, I actually don’t believe about that kinds of stuff. I just thought it was cool.

I was a smart kid. I know. I know I am. All my life, I studied at public schools because we didn’t have money for the private ones. In my elementary years, I was always a top student. I’m always in higher sections, and I always say to my mother, “Ma, yayaman tayo.” which, until this day, I haven’t fulfill. Yet. YET. I’m not losing hope. My mother was always proud of me, I know she is. She wasn’t that kind of mother who attends PTA meetings every month in school but she’s always there for recognitions. She’s always there whenever I actually receive a medal. She said she wouldn’t waste time on non-sense issues inside our classroom and would just give a contribution if one of our electric fans stopped working.

I reached high school, again, in a public school. There is where I met my friends. We were ten I think? We were unstoppable, we drank, we smoked. It was fun. Three of them are still my friends until now. They’re my only friends. The group just shattered when we separated in college. After college, conflicts with relationships, work, money, just made us all realize that we actually cannot stay friends anymore. Well, one of them is a sex offender apologist, one was so problematic whenever she’s sad, you should be sad too. So, I just distanced myself. I cut off people who are toxic to me without a doubt. You know, I always think it’s so easy for me to cut off people out my life thinking that they’re toxic. But, what if, I’m actually the problem?

I passed the entrance examination at PLM and I went there as a scholar. I was proud of myself because that success is one of the first things I actually owned. I made that. My high school teachers were so shocked that me and few of my cliques passed the sought-after entrance exam of the year. I swear, the day after the results came out, I was walking down the hallway like I own the damn place. Those teacher cannot say anything about me anymore, I passed the exam. Their valedictorian didn’t even get in.

I took up Mass Communication and loved it. I took it because I am fond of writing. This material is one of the evidences. I thought this course will make me grow. I think it did, at some way. But, the growth I really noticed was when I started working. After I graduated with this degree, I realized it demands creativity. You will earn money with this course if you are creative. But I’m not creative. So, I struggled to find jobs related from what I took. I loved writing but I cannot just write boring pieces for newspapers. After a month or two, I decided to change my path and I applied for the biggest pharmaceutical chains in the country. I got in.

I worked as a pharmacy assistant for three years before I got into nursing school. This work made me grow as a person because I got to meet new people, new problems, new experiences. It’s different from my degree, obviously, I was required to study medications and customer service. I was good at my job, I always earn incentives and I have the most sales. I have the most customers—middle aged men who are craving for attention of 20 year olds. I subtlety flirt with them so they would buy thirty thousand worth of medicines under my sales. Even those they don’t actually need.

Now, I’m nursing school writing this autobiography. I wouldn’t tell much how I ended up taking up a new degree again because that’s another story, that’s another five-hundred-word essay minimum. All I know is I’m glad I made this decision, I’m struggling mentally, physically, but I love the title. I’m going to be a nurse someday, a USRN, rather. It’s all worth it. I think it’s my first time to feel that my family is genuinely proud of me. Maybe because they’re just thinking I’m about to earn dollars pretty soon.

I started this prose stating how I didn’t get the luxury of life. My parents’ story and how We all have different interpretation of luxury. For me, money is luxury, travel is luxury, I appreciate everything I have right now. I might have undiagnosed depression but

[thejyliekenner]

I’m having this internal battle within myself, maybe it’s because of the drastic changes I took. Maybe, it’s because of my parents’ separation. Maybe, it’s because of me not having any money on my account. Maybe, it’s because I’m anxious about my studies. 2022 isn’t treating me right, it’s been hell since this year came. I thought I’ll start to learn to love myself this year, I thought I’ll be better, I’ll do better. So much is happening all at once and I still feel stagnant. Everything is the same, it’s a cycle. Have you ever felt that? Problems, hindrances are throwing shit at your face and you’re just there, couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything. You move a little, but that move won’t make a big difference. You move a little, but that move won’t even cut the surface. It’s hard to change things when your responsibilities and priorities are pinning you down. But, I know these things who pin me down will lift me up someday. I’ll say, “I’m glad I continued this and didn’t stop.” Help me to continue. Help me to continue. Help me to continue.

[thejyliekenner]

time check: 11:47, nov. 2, 2021.

I took up nursing. I’m a nursing student now, because of my girl. She said she’ll support me on studying this course. I’m in my midterm. All is good. I just don’t love it yet. I’m about to leave my stable/toxic job to focus on my studies. I have been anxious. Very anxious, actually. About big steps I’m taking. I guess, this is normal. You know, feeling nervous about the things you’ll do when you’ve never done it before. I’m looking at it like I really have to stop what I’m doing and move on to another. I hate my job, yes I do. I do hate it now. Because I know I can do better, I deserve better. I have been in my comfort zone my whole life and now I’m fucking anxious of getting out of it. This is normal. I believe I’ll figure it out like I always do. I’ll finish this, I’ll be in a different field. A better field. That I’ll love and put my effort on. I just never think I’ll be in this position. I’m not taking a step, I’m taking a long fucking run.

[thejyliekenner]

time check. 1:00am, June 26, 2021.

I’m happy I met this girl months ago and I’ve been the happiest ever since. Her name is Alice. And I think I’m gonna marry her someday.

[thejyliekenner]

It’s been a while since I wrote something in this blog. Technically, it’s not just a “while”, it’s been fucking years. Well, date and time check. July 25, 2019, 10:14pm.

[thejyliekenner]

napapagod na ko, sobra. gusto ko na matapos lahat to. tangina

[thejyliekenner]

ayoko na, ayoko na talaga. kung may magagawa lang ako. Actually, meron naman talaga eh. Kingina sige gagawa na ako ng paraan. Pero paano? Ang bata ko pa, hindi pa ako handa sa mga bagay leche. Ayoko na talaga. Shit. Help me.

[thejyliekenner]

Ayoko na, ayoko na talaga. Bat ba kase nagsabay sabay pati pag-aaral ko, naapektuhan na tangina naman ano ganto nalang?

[thejyliekenner]

ok ginagago na naman ako ng tadhana eh hahahahahaha bakit kaya di nalang ako maging masaya, bakit di nalang maging masaya yung pamilya ko? bakit? they're my priority kaya sila lang lagi nasa isip ko, walang iba. pati mga desisyon ko sa buhay, kailangan kinoconsider ko sila. syempre gurl, they're all i have, wala ng iba. ang inaano ko lang, bakit hindi kame maging stable? alam kong maraming problema na dadating. pero kase hindi ako sanay ng ganto eh, sanay ako chill lang kame. siguro nga hinanda ko lang yung sarili ko, hinanda ko lang pero hindi kinundisyon sarili ko saka di ko inisip yung mga pwedeng mangyare. i know all these will end, i'm fucking sure about that. i get excited pag iniisip kong "shit, matatapos din to, magbabago din" pero mas naiisip ko yung "bakit nangyayare samin to" grabe, di ko na alam. but i still think of, meron pang mga tao na mas malala yung problema kesa saken kaya dapat lang na manahimik ako at trust God's timing. ok.

[thejyliekenner]

i almost forgot na may ganto pala akong blog hahahahahaha man nag umpisa na second sem namen. chill lang naman kaso yung stats talaga eh puta unang pasok palang nagdasal na agad ako na sana makatres ako dito kase shit talaga men wala akong alam as in, wala kaming alam. other subjs naman, puro major na eh kakayanin naman to bes sipagan lang ng konti tangina talaga sagwa kase ng sked namen eh hays ok ok bye

[thejyliekenner]

bitch i'm emo tonight lmaooo hahahahaha de gagu kanina kase nakinig ako sunday morning wala lang para maiba lang vibe ko lagi akong excited kase kingina ni jared eh well anyways ayun namiss ko lang maging malungkot naks hahahahaha di naman ako nalungkot, nacringyhan lang ako kingina inlab na inlab pala ako dati jusko bat ganun men hahahahahahaha sige go lang hahahahahaha

[thejyliekenner]

so glad i entered this fandom, seriously hahahahahahaha ang cute lang kase kingina bakit ba huhuhu di talaga ako nabored netong sembreak thanks to jared lmaooo basta ayun friday na pasukan namen shet 2nd sem na here we go konti nalang 4thyr na kame kingina 3rd to the last sem na to shet i'm so excited sana lang talaga maging chill lahat ng prof namen, less public speaking pls jusko i really suck at that ayuuuun days are fast magpapasko na din hahahahahaha new year yep twenty fucking seventeen, men lol ayun wala lang sige

[thejyliekenner]

ayun alam nyo ba hindi na ako bored bc may pinagkakaabalahan ako hahahaha sana wag lang ako magsawa agad kase tangina natutuwa ako masyado eh lol i’m stanning jared leto now kingina kala mo i’m fucking him eno pero di nga ang qt kase leche napakainspiring nyang tao parang gusto ko na pumuntang california right now hahahahahahahhaha lol de ang qt qt kase ayun nako wag lang talaga ako magsawa agad plssssss gusto ko pa sya makita in person saka shet he’s a fucking actor kaya ayun di lang puro music movies diiinnnn kaya ayuuu i so love him na huhuhu napakapogi amputa sige

[thejyliekenner]

so bored so fucking bored hahahahahha gusto ko na matapos tong taon kingina para matigil na yung pagsusulat ko hahahahaha yun lang nagawa ko sa mga new years resolution ko eh hays pero atleast, gg naman natuwa naman ako sa one year three hundred times na magpopost araw araw pwede na din yun kasi medyo inactive na rin ako eh sad nga wala na akong magawa pano nalang pag hindi na ko nagsulat, babalik na naman ako sa pagrereblog eh di naman nila ako ganun nakilala charot hahahahaha de ganun talaga nung umpisa palang pala reblog na ako tas i tried to write, okay naman kaso kase nagsasawa na ako eh wala naman akong inspirasyon kingina my words were cold and flat mga ganerrnnn hahahahaha iba pa rin kase talaga pag may inspirasyon hindi lang yung iniisip mo at pinipilit mong maramdaman yung bawat salita na tinatype mo kaya goodluck talaga sa blog ko next year omg shet baka magdeact na ko bhahahahahahahahah de charot lang tangina sayang followers ilang taon din yan oh hahahahahah de ayun di ko lang talaga alam magiging peg ko pag di na ako nagpopost ng kung ano anong kagaguhan basta ayun hays goodluck talaga 

[thejyliekenner]

ayan go magkekwento na ko hahahaha nag anawangin kase kame, kasama namin ni joey mga pinsan ni roca at tangina di ko talaga alam bat nandun ako putangina talaga di talaga ako komportable sa mga tibo shet realtalk naiirita ako saka naccringihan fucker tas ayun maganda naman yung lugar, super kaso talaga di ganun kind of fun ko siguro masyadong literal na tent lang, malayo cr, yung isla na buhay mga ganun hahahaha ayoko ng ganun kingina tas ang highlight talaga eh muntek pang mag make out tong joey saka yung barkada ni roca na tibo parang sa isip isip ko "tangina ew ano na over night lang gusto mo na agad jusko" realtalk talaga yung cringe ko hay grabe tangina pag naiisip ko parang "ganto na ba talaga kadesperada tong kaibigan ko" jusmiyo hahahahahahahahaha cringe af talaga men hahahahahahaha ayun lang pero all in all nag enjoy naman ako kahit papano, ganda talaga dun eh hehehehe ayun lang sakit ng katawan ko

[thejyliekenner]

di ko na alam nangyayare sa pamilya ko kingina masyadong maraming naninira amputa mga putangina eh kung kelan nanahimik ka na am shet si lord nalang bahala sa mga namemerwisyo samen, karma is just around the corner

[thejyliekenner]

ano na shet di ako makatulog hahahaha kailangan ko na mag enroll bukas para rak na sa anawangin, para wala na kong isipen hehehe eh kaso kingina maaga ako tomorrow tas di ako makatulog ngayon, bat ganun nag ooverthink na naman ako shet (luh anong bago) pero uy grabe gusto ko na makatulog realtalk na kailangan maaga ako bukas huhu time check wan ey em.