thekatchup

[thekatchup]

I can’t believe I’m saying this... but I might break up with him.

Surprising, isn’t it? I’ve never been the one to initiate a breakup before—not in any of my past relationships. There's always been something that held me back: doubt, fear, not trusting my gut, or assuming I was just being too emotional. There’s that lingering fear—of regret, of being alone, of seeing them move on with someone else. Or maybe… all of the above. But every time I’m in a relationship, it’s like I’m waiting for the other person to pull the plug on me. And when they do, I tell myself, "Sabi na nga ba, dun rin pupunta."

But like everything else in life, we don’t really know if a decision is right until after we’ve made it. Time reveals things. We watch how it breaks us, how we grieve, and how eventually, we get back up.

I still can’t believe what he said to me today. Actually—I can’t believe the things he’s been saying to me during our arguments. Last time, he told me I should “love myself more.” And I was deeply offended. What does that even mean? To me, I do love myself. And like with all kinds of love, we show it differently. I love myself by getting to know my core. By giving myself grace. By choosing to sit with difficult emotions instead of running from them. Even when it’s hard—even when unhealthy coping would be easier. I love myself by loving others the best way I know how. He might think I don’t know my worth. That I’m quiet or not strong. But being quiet doesn’t mean I’m weak. It doesn’t mean I lack self-love. I’m this way because my mind is at peace. Sure, I get anxious sometimes. I overthink and wonder if I’m the problem—but honestly, that’s because I’m constantly hit by emotional whiplash. And I hate how everything somehow ends up being my fault. I can’t remember the last time he truly took accountability—or even acknowledged that maybe, just maybe, we’re both at fault sometimes.

I think I want to break up with him because...

He complains. A lot. And yes, there’s value in standing up for yourself—but there’s a fine line between that and being just plain negative. And in today’s world, that kind of energy is exhausting.

He doesn’t believe in marriage. I do. And I feel like this is something we should’ve aligned on before we even started dating. I told him I felt lied to—because I remember asking him before if he saw himself getting married, and he said yes. Now he’s changed his mind. Maybe it’s because of the relationships around him—his sisters, his friends—but has he forgotten that I’m around him too? Wouldn’t it have been nice to hear him say that despite all the broken examples, he trusts us? Or even something simple like: “I love you so much, I’d marry you.” But instead, every time we talk about it, he shifts the focus and asks me why I want to get married. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t want to marry him anymore. Because I still believe I shouldn’t have to convince the right guy to want a future with me.

He’s a f*cking Trump supporter. I mean… seriously? For someone I thought was intelligent—that’s just... disappointing.

And lastly, I want to break up with him because I want a partner with a provider mindset. No—before you judge me, I’m not a gold digger. I’m a strong, independent woman. I have a good career. I make good money. So when he threw the “I’m paying for everything” line at me today during an argument—I was stunned. I haven’t even moved in yet. And you’re already pulling that card? LOL. Run, girl. Run. I will never move in with someone who uses support as leverage. He keeps asking what I bring to the table. What I do to make his life easier. And that—honestly—is terrifying. One moment, he’s sweet and affectionate and wants me to “settle” with him. The next, he’s cold and distant like he’s ready to kick me out. He talks like he’s my superhero. But bitch, I can do more without you. The only thing keeping me from doing everything I want is that I don’t have my G2 yet. But when I do? It's really f*cking over. I won’t need anyone.

He said I always depend on him. That I don’t do things on my own. That I expect him to get the groceries or go to the locker. But that’s not true. All I ever wanted was to do things together.

Anyways. I'm just trying to process all of this.

[thekatchup]

Balancing act

I'm out here trying to write again or journal again. I've been reading my favorite author's new book, and since I've been following her and reading her works since 2013 back when I was in university and started journaling here, it pushed me to go back again and try to write again. I'm not really hoping that something grand will happen out of this but I just remember that feeling of arriving at something, having eureka moments, or of understanding myself more.

Right now, there's a lot of things going on in my head. It's 1:42am on this side of the world. And I don't even know where to begin.

Maybe I'll start with saying that me and my boyfriend had an argument. He said that he felt disrespected because of my facial expressions when he's trying to share something about her views on politics. I have a lot of things to say about this. One is, because I also don't feel like he's listening to me when I'm trying to share my perspective. Sometimes I doubt myself if it's my choice of words, my grammar, or how I communicate in English that makes it hard for him to understand my points. I'm saying this because sometimes I feel like I already said something and then he's going to bring it up again and ask my views.

It's also very polarizing and draining to talk about politics. To me, I'm just trying to exercise my boundaries. I don't know whats the end goal, what's the point when we already know that we don't see eye to eye on that matter.

We've had a lot of arguments before, but this one feels different because I don't see any acknowledgement of my feelings, I don't see any effort from his side to understand me. It's so hard to be the bigger person, I swear.

[thekatchup]

Moving out thoughts

I’ve realized something lately: I need to leave this house.

It’s not just about the physical space—it’s about the freedom to make it my own, to create an environment that reflects who I am and who I want to become. I crave the autonomy to choose the furniture that will help me feel comfortable and at peace. I want to pick the tech for my workspace that will help me do my best work, without worrying about compromise. I dream of setting up a little coffee bar, not just for the perfect cup of coffee, but for the daily ritual that starts my day on my own terms.

But it’s more than just a comfortable living space. I want the freedom to learn and explore without judgment. I want to try cooking, or baking, and experiment without feeling like someone is watching or critiquing every move I make. I want to be able to fail without embarrassment, to learn at my own pace and find joy in the process, not just the outcome.

Living here has made me more introspective, maybe even a little more introverted. It’s forced me to seek peace in solitude, to reconnect with myself in ways I didn’t expect. I’ve spent so much time thinking about what I should want or what others might expect of me that I’ve lost touch with what I truly desire.

Now, I’m ready to reclaim that. I want the space to define my own desires, to pursue what truly fulfills me, without the weight of external pressure. I want to understand what I really want—without second-guessing myself or conforming to anyone else’s expectations.

It’s time for a change. It's time to break free from what’s been holding me back and start building a life that feels more authentically mine.

[thekatchup]

This private blog

I just realized how much this private blog has helped me through everything. It hit me today, especially as I reflected on why my mental health has been deteriorating so much this year. Then I checked this blog and noticed I haven’t posted anything in almost a year.

Not writing here meant I didn’t fully process my emotions this year. I didn’t even document what was going on in my head.

This year was different. For the first time in nine years, I was in a relationship again since my last one ended. And wow, I’ve learned so much—about relationships and about myself. Or maybe I should say re-learned? I’m not sure. Some things felt completely new, while others were reminders of what being in a relationship truly means.

It’s having someone to listen to you, to hang out with, and to share life with. But it also means confronting personal issues head-on. This time, it felt different because I realized the problems weren’t about the other person—they were about me. My insecurities. My fear of abandonment. My fear of rejection. These were things I had to face, and for the first time, I could clearly see that.

This year also brought growth. Change is such a strange thing to notice, but I’ve had to remind myself that it’s okay to outgrow things I once loved. Like they say, the only constant is change. It’s fascinating, really—challenging myself, doing hard things, calling the shots for my own life. Recognizing when something no longer serves me. It’s been empowering in its own way.

A lot happened this year. I hope I get back to writing here more often—processing, documenting, and reflecting. Here’s to more growth, challenges, and maybe even some peace.

[thekatchup]

Lord bigay niyo na

Lord, sana matanggap ako sa dream company ko.

[thekatchup]

2024 vision board!!! LFG!!!!!!!!!!!

[thekatchup]

Lord, pano ba to?

Halos mag-iisang buwan na siyang ganito. Ang hirap, sa totoo lang. Ano ba tinuturo niyo sakin, Lord? Naiintindihan ko naman gano kalala yung mga nangyari ng nakaraang linggo: nanakawan ng bag/laptop, na-hack sa crypto. Pero bakit pakiramdam ko, kahit na anong gawin ko, hindi naco-consider ano nararamdaman ko.

Selfish ba? Siguro, pero ito oh, nababaliw nako, gusto ko lang din ng konting pahinga. I'm sorry if i'm making things about me, pero napapagod din ako. Hindi ko rin alam anong kailangan ko from him to make me feel better, even just a little bit.

Relationships are hard, why do we even want this?

[thekatchup]

I don't feel safe anymore.

Everything that's been happening lately has got me thinking that the fears I had initially might somehow be true. I feel like you're not being completely honest with me in order to protect me or not to hurt me but the more you do that, the harder it stings.

I don't know why it hurts, not because I don't know but because there are a lot of reasons why it does. Is it because I feel like you're still in love with your ex? But you have been reassuring me that you're not in love with her anymore, and as much as I want you to feel apathy towards her, I know that at this point, you hate her so much.

I know that nobody's perfect. Pero feeling ko lang parang nagoyo ako kasi he appeared to be so secure initially during the getting to know stages tapos biglang ganito pala. Biglang avoidant at stonewaller pala siya. Minsan nga iniisip ko if stonewaller ba talaga siya or hindi niya lang kayang maging honest sakin kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman niya. Sabi niya hindi niya alam, pero feeling ko ayaw niya lang akong masaktan. Does that make sense? IDK.

I'm so concerned with the feelings she can evoke, even though you've been broken up for a few months already and you guys are no contact.

[thekatchup]

Daming tumatakbo sa utak ko

I just generally feel sad, lost, and unmotivated. Everything feels quiet and generally at rest.

Hindi ko rin alam bakit parang I don’t feel like myself for the past few months. Nandun parin ako sa part na I’m just trying to feel everything and go through all these emotions at once. By the way, I also just recently end a relationship. Tapos malapit na rin ako grumaduate. Makakauwi kaya ako sa kasal ng bestfriend ko? Miss ko na si mommy. Miss ko na friends ko. Miss ko na mag drive. Nag-umpisa narin akong mag asikaso ng permanent residency ko. Buti nakuha ko na yung WES. Mabilis na lang pala siya ngayon. Got my last study permit, and extended my SIN. Ang productive ko rin pala the past few weeks, hindi ko nanaman nabati yung sarili ko. Good job, self. Everything feels heavy at the moment, but good job for still being productive.

Ang hirap lang i-process ng lahat ng bagay kasi I always see myself as someone who is very self-aware and yet i feel like I don’t know myself right now? Finding yourself also requires losing who you once thought yourself to be. It’s so hard to pinpoint why everything feels so heavy kasi parang ang surface level lang nung alam ko? Like for example, yes it feels heavy kasi magkaaway kami ng tita ko and almost 2 weeks na kaming hindi nagpapansinan. Yes, it feels heavy kasi kakabreak lang namin nung guy na yun. Yes it feels heavy kasi I paid 300 dollars for a test that I didn’t even take dahil nakalimutan ko dalhin yung passport ko. Yes it feels heavy kasi unlike last year na dalawa yung job ko, nag focus ako sa isang internship job this summer.

bukas na lang uli, bye

[thekatchup]

First ever vision board

[thekatchup]

Life Update

Okay so I just feel really happy and blessed today and I want to document it.

Looking back, a lot has happened in a year and I just feel extremely grateful for all the opportunities and for all the things that has happened (good or bad).

I got the Govt job as part-time, then the associate dean reach out to me and ask me if I want to teach. Yes, I want to teach. It will be an honor to teach.

Plan is to apply for OINP International Student Stream, then get my PR.

[thekatchup]

Gather and compile experiences

✅ travel

✅ get drunk

✅ get broken hearted

✅  reject someone

✅  get in a fling

✅ learn how to iron clothes

✅  cook

✅  do laundry

✅ buy at the market

✅  bargain

✅ forgive

✅ learn how to fight

✅ learn how to lose

✅  don’t be afraid to make mistakes

✅ ask

✅ ask

✅ ask questions

Fill your life with liveliness (punuin mo ng buhay and iyong buhay)

[thekatchup]

We can win this, self. We’re a better team.

Rest and regroup with yourself.

This is halftime, the world is at half time right now. We’re at a pause. We’re getting close to playing again, but this is the time where you make those adjustments. It’s not gonna always go as planned. The better team sometimes they don’t win, because the game plan was just a little off but they have the talent. You have the country you live in, you’ve got a lot of things going for yourself. You can win this game, self. But understand adjustments have to be made. And if you don’t make these adjustments you will lose. 

And no one goes undefeated. Nobody goes undefeated. Even the dynasties. The warriors didn’t go 80 to an 0, even though they have the best record of all time. You are still going to lose every now and then, but by far you are in a better position than some other people. You are a better team than some other team.

I hope it resonates. Don’t worry about the order. The order didn’t go as well, don’t worry about it.

Control what you can control. You did your best. Let everything else fall into place. IT WILL FALL INTO PLACE, I PROMISE YOU. YOU’RE GONNA BE FINE.

[thekatchup]

Question

If I can get just one question to ask God and ask for his guidance, I won’t ask a yes or no question. I won’t ask if I will end up with a partner or will I have a family in the future. I’m gonna ask him why no one wants to be with me? Why these guys aren’t choosing me? Why they don’t pursue me? I need His guidance to push me to work on the things that I still need to work on (that probably I don’t have an idea that I need to work on that). 

Just random thoughts.

[thekatchup]

Just a reminder

Hi Self,

I just feel like I have to note this down so you won’t forget.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do a lot of things at once. I know you’re the type who’s always game to try different things and to do the things that you already know you want to do. And even though you still haven’t admitted it yet, you’re addicted to feeling busy, to always search for the next thing that you are supposed to do.

But I want to tell you that you’re not built to commit to two things. Yes, you can multi-task, yes you can do a lot of things, but the end goal, must only be one. I have to note this because this is also what happened when you tried to work and study law at the same time. Yes you were able to do it, but looking back, I know that your heart is not happy because you weren’t able to give your 100%. And there’s a reason we only have 100%. Kath I know you’re an overachiever, but don’t forget and don’t fear missing out on things if that means you’re choosing one thing over the other. It’s okay to miss out on things especially if you are committed and able to give your 100% to the thing that you choose.

Hope I make sense. You’re doing better, self.

Love, self.

[thekatchup]

I need to stop

...hating myself and everyone and everything else around me.

Today I bought my new running shoes. 

55KGS LET’S GO.

[thekatchup]

Goal

The goal is to earn mid 6 digits in 10 years.

6 digits in 5 years.