thelazypen

[thelazypen]

I don’t wanna write you on a paper

I dont want to trivialize our love

I dont want it somewhere tangible in fear someone might tear it-- that our love will be a little less

I dont want us on a paper because there are no perfect words for us

And that might make our love a little less

I dont want you to know my love in a paper

And see you throw it all away

Our love is not a little less

I want us raw--never to be inked on a sheet

But here I am scribbling the next words

To fill the gaps

To complete the puzzles

To make us fit

Because our love is a little less

[thelazypen]

There was a time he took her to the ocean

It was all she ever wanted since they met

He saw the perfect timing.

They happily traveled to the water

Funny 'cause on the way

They heard the roar of the sky

They felt the cry of the clouds

And the grumpiness of the altitude

The ocean was ridiculously moody

The lightning, boastful.

They still bravely graced through the waves

And played with the fine sand

The pretense just lasted 5 seconds

She did try to hold it together

But who would ever fight the gods?

When was love ever the greatest?

She started to cry-quietly at first

But her cries became more and more hauntingly beautiful and sorrowful; adding to the already majestic catastrophe

She was so sad and scared

She suddenly wanted to be anywhere but there

That day, the ocean and the sky were heavy

But she knew

Her heart was heavier

[thelazypen]

“Is it possible to be so in love with you and not feel happy at all?” she asked him.

He just stared at her. He was trying to figure out if she meant it this time… if she would really leave him this time.

“Can we quit doing this? We’ve been through this a lot of times and it still never happened. It will never happen. I wont let you go. Never. ” He said as he tried to reach for her.

“I am so sorry but I need to do this… for myself. I already gave you two years of my life, James. I don’t want to waste another more and end up feeling exactly this way. There is something wrong about us. There has got to be something wrong! ” She cried. “If everything was fine, how come I feel so empty? How come I feel unhappy? ” She was already crying her eyes out. It was the first time James saw her this way.

“How come I feel so broken? ” She whispered.

“Anne… ” His voice already cracked. “It cant just end this way. It cant just be like this. ” He pleaded.

“Then how come it is? ” She answered.

Right in front of him, she walked out. He tried to stop her but his body felt as if it was paralyzed. He tried to grab on her but no one can stop a heart as decided as hers to go. For barely a minute, the life he held on to, the future he was looking forward to, the life he built with her, and the love that kept him alive all crumbled down–just like the sand castle he patiently and lovingly built when he was young only to be crushed down even by the smallest wave. Just like that, everything… was gone.

[thelazypen]

The worst anyone can do to you is to not let you grow.

[thelazypen]

Dalawampu

Para na naman akong lumulutang. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sobrang kalmado ko. Kapag nasa tabi na kita, magaan lahat. Walang ibang pinoproseso ang utak ko. Kaya nga ang sarap matulog sa tabi mo, eh.

Ngunit gaano man kahimbing ang tulog ko, nagigising at nagigising pa rin ako at napagmamasdan kita nang matagal. Siguro paraan ito ng sarili ko na patunayan sa akin na totoo nga ang lahat ng nangyayari. Totoo ka, totoo tayo, mayroong tayo.

Sino ba naman kasi ako para maniwala na may darating sa aking ganito? Isang klase ng pagmamahal na magpapaikot sa mundo ko. Lahat ng elemento--saya, lungkot, galit, pagdududa, panghihinayang, pananabik, pang-unawa, pagpapatawad--lahat nasa atin. Napakahirap timbangin kung mas higit ba ang positibo sa negatibo.

Habang nilulunod ko na naman ang isip ko sa mga ganitong bagay, di ko mapigilan ang mapangiti. Ang sarap mo kasing pagmasdan habang tulog. Mukha kang bata na animo'y pagod na pagod kahit wala ka namang ginawa maghapon.

Pinagmasdan kita at inalala ang lahat ng pagkakataon na sinabihan mo ako ng "mahal kita." Sa totoo lang hindi ka naman masalita. Mas ramdam ko sa gawa ang pagmamahal mo kaysa sa salita. Kaya siguro hindi ako masanay-sanay. Gusto ko kasi sanang palaging marinig.

Wala pa atang sampu sa alaala ko na narinig ko sayong mahal mo ako. Binilang ko nang binilang sa utak ko ang mga pagkakataong sinabi mo ang mga salitang yan pero hindi talaga umaabot sa sampu. Halos maluha na ako sa lungkot. Simula kasi noon, kahit na sino, kapag gustong matuto, inuunang ituro palagi ang pagbibilang hanggang sampu. Uulit-ulitin ito hanggang makabisado natin. Kaya siguro hindi ako makuntento.

Isa, dalawa, tatlo... Mahal mo ba ako?

Apat lima anim... Mayroon ka bang nililihim?

Pito, walo, siyam... Sino kayang may alam?

Sampu, labing-isa... Ayos lang bang umasa?

Labing-dalawa, labing-tatlo... Pwede ka bang mangako?

Labing-apat, labing-lima... Ayoko nang magduda

Labing-anim, labing pito... Umaasa pa rin ako

Labing-walo, labing-siyam... Puso ko ang may alam

"Bakit gising ka?," tanong mo sa akin nang maalimpungatan ka. "Nag-iisip ka na naman ba?"

Hindi ako sumagot kasi alam mo na rin naman.

"Halika nga rito," malambing mong hila sakin. "Mahal na mahal kita at hindi ako magsasawang iparamdam sayo hanggang hindi mo na kailangang magising tuwing madaling-araw para pagdudahan ang sarili mo, ako, at lalong lalo na... tayo."

Napaluha na lang ako at napangiti dahil sa wakas tapos na ngayong gabi ang pagbibilang ko.

Dalawpu... Mahal na mahal na mahal mo nga ako.

[thelazypen]

Tangled Love

I saw in my parents the greatest lessons in love: choice and chance. Sometimes it's chance but mostly... it's choice.

My parents met by chance. They met in a party and my mom instantly thought my dad was cute not knowing that he was 10 years her senior. They dated. They were one of the typical young couples. It wasn't even that serious between them until they had me.

I was one of their biggest (and I hope greatest) choices. I like to think that I was also their very first choice. At a young age and with no significant achievement yet, they had to become parents. Were they ready? Did they love each other enough to stay together for me? The answer was no. Why did they still push through it? Choice. I think they were beginning to realize that choice always comes first before love. You choose the person (or the situation) first before you love him/her.

After me was countless number of choices they made together. They were able to battle impossible obstacles because they always ended up choosing each other and the family they had.

Until chances of having better lives financially came knocking right through their door. This time they chose the chance over what they've been always choosing since day 1. They thought they can still go back to the way everything was but that was the consequence of the chance they chose.

Since then, it became difficult. The family suffered. I and my siblings had the toughest time. They started not choosing each other, not choosing us. It was at home that I got my first heartbreak.

They ended up in different places. They became worlds apart with us their children the only bridge between them. We were the chance the universe had given them. It was my dad who took the risk. He tried to fix everything but my mom had already made a choice. And that choice was not my dad. I cannot blame her. It was already so messy and tangled.

Time has passed and believe me it is even messier now. It is worse.

I hate that I had to learn about love this way. That love is never about chance. It is always about choice.

[thelazypen]

What if

It was high school when the universe finally decided to collide your world and mine. I was always a somebody in every place I set foot at. I loved every version of myself. I always knew the right thing to do and the right thing to say. I never questioned my life choices until we DID NOT happen.

My world used to be totally fine without you in it. Sure it was black or white and sometimes in-between but at least it was simple. Why did you have to open my eyes for the rainbow when you will just leave me to watch it alone? I never got to tell you that suddenly rainbows dont make sense anymore. They now hurt my eyes when before I can create the best music just by looking at it. How did you turn something so beautiful sad in my eyes?

I blame you but I hate myself more. I hate myself for believing that there will be a better time for us. I hate myself for not taking care of that 'something' between us. We felt it but I did not give it a chance. You did... but only for a while.

I thought you'd wait and try harder but you did not. You did not.

The sad thing is I still remember you especially when Im at the beach. I remember telling you how a beach date is my ultimate dream date. (You made this dream come true with her.)

I hate you for replacing me with someone I can never hate. I hate you for replacing me with someone more beautiful, more lovely, and more soulful than me. I hate you for breaking my heart when it never became yours in the first place.

Is this your way of making me regret? Of making me realize that you will always be my one that got away? That you are now happy?

What if I said yes to you when you asked me on a date? What if I agreed to be your prom date? What if I appreciated shawarma more? Would we eventually happen?

Will I be less sad today?

[thelazypen]

Parallel Universes Played

"Just because there is an infinite number of parallel universes does not mean a person has to be an infinite number as well, " our Professor in Physics said.

The class has never really admired him because he teaches Physics like a Literature teacher. He always had stories to tell that honestly made me doubt if Physics is even half true. I appreciate Literature but we all know it. Science is Science. Literature is Literature. I was so lost in thought comparing the two disciplines when the professor called my name.

"Albert Einstein?" I answered on a question I assumed he asked. The class laughed but as always, Cloud came to save my day. To get me out of the situation he asked our professor, "why do parallel universes even exist? " Cloud winked at me as if telling me I owe him one again.

"I don't know either," our professor answered. "But do you know that technically you just live in one universe and only the subconscious parts of you go visit the other universes? They come to you as dreams, dejavu, and the like? "

I thought this was interesting. I even thought so when the professor began to ask, "Tell me, are you currently happy?"

My mind said no.

"Are you currently content?"

God no.

"Or are you longing for something all along?"

Shit it's like he's reading my mind!

"Do you feel like youre in the wrong place, stuck in the same time? "

I felt...attacked. All along Ive been searching for my place in this world. I have been figuring out the things I should do. I have been wondering why time seemed good for all the people around me. While I am just here.. Unhappy.. Stuck.. Listless.

Then it hit me. I am a victim of the parallel universes.

"What is it, Miss?" my professor asked. I didnt notice I was thinking out loud. Then for fun, I let it out.

"Sir, I think the parallel universes are like gods. However, they weren't satisfied that people can only exist as one. They are parallel universes hence they cant affect one another. But they can play with us. Each of the universe compete with one another just so we inhabit them.

I guess I am one of the unlucky. My conscious part is so weak that up to now, I am still here. And I do not know the way out. "

The professor stared at me. My classmates were silent.

"That's all for today." He smiled one last time and left the room.