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Some of the ugly physical side effects of chemo (I went though Adriamycin, Cytoxan, and Taxol).

Hair loss and my fingernails are close to falling off!

They only say you'll have hair loss, and that usually your scalp tingles before you start actively losing your hair.

What they don't tell you, is that tingle turns into an insatiable itch and general uncomfortableness. And it usually starts happening two weeks after your first chemo. Everything that moves/touches your hair hurts. Sleeping is difficult. Then it starts coming out as you brush it. Next is barely touching your head and having CLUMPS come out. The only relief is shaving your head down to the scalp, and plucking out what's left.

Not to mention the nausea, vomiting, the fatigue, the lethargy, the weakness throughout your whole body, the absolute zero heat tolerance (I have passed out a few times, mostly in shower because it was too hot. It was barely passed like warm water.), the neuropathy in my fingers and toes (it got so bad my fingers were numb and I couldn't tell without looking if I actually was holding anything) and more recently my fingernails turning black or lifting up, if I catch them on some foreign object), my teeth have gotten really sensitive and painful, the bone aches(oh gods, the bone aches 😩).

The good news is, I have finished my chemo treatments! (October 11th) and I've had a complete response!

It has been a long and grueling journey, and theres still a year left...

Phase one of four complete.

Now for a couple weeks break from thinking about Cancer before surgery.

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You anti vaxxers COULD KILL ME

I started chemotherapy today. Chemotherapy is known to greatly weakened the immune system. Simple diseases like the common cold could hospitalize me FOR DAYS. I risk DYING from things like the common cold and the flu because of the state my immune system is in.

So let me repeat myself: YOU ANTI VAXXERS ARE RISKING KILLING ME, SO YEAH, IM PISSED.

Understand it’s not “your kids, your choice”. Your decision affects EVERYONE you come in contact with. If your kid gets infected or is the first one to be infected with a vaccine preventable disease and your kid passes it onto me? I COULD DIE BECAUSE OF YOUR ANTI VAX STANCE IS BASED ON PURE BULLSHIT.

[thelifeandtimesofthe-c-word-blog]

Infusiport/PowerPort

July 3rd, this bitch got put in my body.

Most oncologist require chemo patients to have one surgically placed. Especially those, like me, who get Adriamycin (aka: the red devil), one of the chemo drugs known to blow your veins and turn them red.

Surgery goes by without a hitch, other than the nurse who can't start an IV anywhere but my hand. 😡 (3 attempts at my arm), and me trying to get out of bed after waking from anesthesia.

It took a month or two to completely heal, and it's uncomfortable to lay on my left side for long periods of time. But about a year after chemo ill have it taken out.

(If you want to read more about them, you can find it here)

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Long hiatus

I've not had the energy to update chronologically like I've wanted to. So quick recap of what's happened up to this point in time.

May 2018

I have a biopsy done, 7 samples are taken. 4 from the mass in my right breast, 3 from my right sentinel lymph node.

About a week later I get a phone call that changed my life, from the Dr who performed the biopsy. It's Breast Cancer. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, to be exact.

June 2018

After a few weeks of feeling searing, white-hot needles being poked through my right breast, and my nipple retracting, I have an appointment with my Oncologist (6/18)and Surgical Oncologist(6/28); and appointments for an MRI and PET Scan(6/13), meeting my new Primary Care Physician(6/21), getting my birth control arm implant removed(6/28) , lab work for genetic counselling(6/25). June goes by in a flash.

MRI and PET scan show my cancer hasn't spread past my axillary(armpit) lymph nodes. It also shows that the mass has went from 4cm on May 8th, to 13cm on June 13th.

Both my oncologists tell me I have Stage 3, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC), grade 2, and that I'm ER/PR positive (meaning estrogen/progesterone basically help feed my tumor). My Onc, Dr. R insists I start chemo July 5th. My surgical Onc has to have my port placed before chemo, it's scheduled for July 3rd.

[thelifeandtimesofthe-c-word-blog]

Apt description of cancer from a cancer support group I follow on Facebook

My friend who is also going thru Breast Cancer just shared this with me - as she said, "it nails it" - this is hilarious and exactly describes how going through cancer treatment feels. 😄😄

What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? It’s something like this: one day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.

Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!

So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion - “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” - and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.

Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”

As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy - they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself - why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an asshole for even thinking that - and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?

Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you - maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my fiance - comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “GODDAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE,” and the mountain lion punches your fiance right in the face. Now your fiance (or whomever) is rolling around on the ground clutching his nose, and he’s bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.

Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ASS, but not before it also punches your fiance in the face. And your fiance is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”

Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead.

Maybe. You’re not sure - it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.

And all your friends come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”

Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “fuck this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”

@polly-needs-more-than-a-cracker

[thelifeandtimesofthe-c-word-blog]

When you see it, REBLOG IT.

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

If you ever want to talk: My Tumblr ask is always open.

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“She’s known sadness, and it has made her kind.”

— Nathan Filer

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Part III of the IHS/PRC nightmare

So my mom answers the phone, and the PRC supervisor (her official title is House Systems Specialist, we'll calll her J), and she starts off by apologizes that they have caused me to be upset and asks for me to catch her up on what's going on. I relay the Breast Cancer Spiel(tm) that has become an auto-pilot response, it rolls off the tongue like a well-rehearsed line. Tears are flowing. I cry when I'm upset, mad, sad, at al. It's beyond annoying, since people tend not to take your anger seriously when you're ugly crying.

She apologizes profusely and states the woman working on my case has recently left. She goes on to say that shouldn't be an excuse or a valid reason for someone not receiving proper care/treatment. It's their ultimate goal to make sure people are happy and healthy. Yada yada yada, Public relations bullshit. But she seems sincere enough.

She asks who my rep is at IHS and what breast clinic I went to. I tell her Kathleen is supposed to be but I have yet to hear from her or have her return any of my calls. She calls the direct line I give her, and guess who fucking answers? Kath-fucking-leen.

J explains that she has a patient in her office that hasn't had an MRI in 3 weeks after being diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Kathleen passes the buck and says she wasn't aware and that "she will look into it" 

/Eye roll

J tells her that PRC approves payment of my MRI and consultation with my Surgical Oncologist. And if Medicaid ends up being approved they will be my secondary insurance. She takes here off speaker phone and says a few things and goodbyes are exchanged. She says I should have an appointment scheduled by next week, and if I don't to call her personally and she gives me her direct line. I get off the phone with my mom, and feel better, like some actual progress has been made. A small sigh of relief.

 As we get up to leave I explain I've had the lump since November 2016. Her response? "I guess you learned your lesson, didn't you? You should be your own advocate!"

O.o I'm flabbergasted. Who the fuck says shit like that to anyone, much less someone who came into your office upset about YOUR COMPANY LETTING A CANCER PATIENT GET LOST IN THE FILES?!? I'm speechless. James is speechless. We leave quietly.

We get to the car and my phone rings. A number I don't recognize. But I answer it, since I have to, it might be a doctor's office, or OK Cares, or something about my cancer diagnosis. Guess who?

The mythical Kathleen has deemed me worthy of a phone call!

Her voice is bright and cheery.

She asks how I am, and states she's touching base with me. She asks if there's anything she can do....

The audacity of this bitch, to act like she's doing her job. That she hasn't ignored me for three weeks. That she hasn't returned any of my phone calls and voicemails to her personal voicemail at the Indian clinic.

I tell her she can get me an appointment for an MRI. A consultation with the surgical oncologist.

She tells me I should change my choice of surgical oncologist to OU because she used to work there and is familiar with the process there. I tell her whatever makes the process happen quickly. But that I refuse to see Dr Dooley. (He looks like a doppelganger of a man my mom was married to, who is a right cunt nugget. I have PTSD from the man, so I'd rather not be around someone who looks just like him) 

She gives me the number to the Stephenson Cancer Center and my nurse navigator. She tells me they should be in contact by tomorrow. She then says, "OK Cares has had your application for days and they only just told me they were missing a page, but I'm not going to be petty"

If I hadn't already calmed down I would've fucking laid into her. You're not going to be petty? Really? About your fuck up and now you're passing the buck. And you're not going to petty? Is that supposed to make me feel better? Fuck you, you apathetic asshat. (Gif for how I feel about all these people not passing my case around because of funds)

I get a call in the next few days from my nurse navigator, she genuinely seems upset that it's taken so long, and will answer any questions I have. She gives me her direct line, setting up my MRI appointment (June 13th), an appointment with my Medical Oncologist  (June 18th), and will be getting a call back from my Surgical Oncologist since he's out of town for the next week.

This whole ordeal is so much of a hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait, ad nauseam. But at least this nightmare section is over.

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The PRC/IHS nightmare part II

I get a call from OK Cares, which ends up being the fast track to Medicaid, saying they just got my application yesterday and it's missing one page.

/headdesk

great. Ok. The nurse navigator suggests I go in to PRC as soon as I can and put a face to my file for these people. I'm able to go Thursday, May 29th.

It takes all I can to summon all the anger and rage I can to be able to go in and plead for them to care about me. (For those that don't know me I have severe depression and anxiety and low self worth. I'll fight for injustice and mistreatment of other people without a second thought. I just don't treat myself to the same standard. Feeling like a burden to all those around me is a constant battle I have and usually lose. I'll make. Separate post about my mental health journey and update as I make progress)

I take an ativan, vape a tank of my ecig, while blasting System of a Down, Korn, Pantera, old Killswitch Engage and A7X. I'm psyching myself up, getting angry, getting ready to chew out a poor unsuspecting soul at PRC and getting over feeling bad about potentially yelling at someone. James drives me to PRC, it's an hour before their 4 hour window closes. We sign in, and I stand next to James sitting down. I can't sit and relax. I've got to keep the energy high, or I won't be able to do this without crying. We get called back about 15 min later by this oblivious-to-what-is-about-to-happen woman. She takes me to her cubicle and James has to take a chair on the other side since there is only one extra chair in her cubicle. I ask her why my APPROVED REFERRAL is now rejected. She pulls up my case on her computer and states it's because I've been approved for OK Cares. I laugh and tell her that's a lie since they called me the day before telling me they just got my application Tuesday and it was missing a page. She doesn't have an answer. She tells me the woman who was working on my case no longer works there.

of course she fucking doesn't. How convenient for PRC, don't you think?

I tell her I know it's not personally her fault and I'm sorry that she's the one who has to deal with me.

She's not able to give me much information other than it being approved and denied.

So I start asking her specific dates.

- What day did you get my referrals approved?  May 16th.

What day did you reject it? May 28th.

I start laying in to her.

You're fucking telliing me that you've had it approved for TWELVE FUCKING DAYS AND I DIDN'T GET AN APPOINTMENT?!? You all realize I have CANCER.  A 5CM MASS IN MY RIGHT BREAST. THAT I'VE BEEN HAVING WHITE HOT NEEDLE SHARP PAINS IN MY NIPPLE LIKE SOMEONE'S STICKING A SKEWER THEY'VE HAD OVER AN OPEN FLAME AND STABBING IT INTO MY NIPPLE BACK INTO MY BREAST OVER AND OVER. THAT IT'S MOVED INTO AT LEAST ONE LYMPH NODE.

She tells me to calm down. 👌 I'll get right on that.

I lower my voice just a bit since everyone in the office is now staring. I say are you all that incompetent, or do you all not give a shit about people? Because that's the only two reasons that make sense.

She tells me not to curse at her, and gets up telling me she's getting her supervisor and if I continue to yell she will get security to escort me off property.

I start laughing and say call fucking security and I will call every news network in the metro. You really want to be blasted everywhere for dismissing a cancer patient because of YOUR FUCK UP, BE MY GUEST!!

Her supervisor comes out and asks what she can do and what is going on. I start to explain, and she asks if we would like to come back to her office and resolve this. More a suggestion than a request, but we agree. We go into her office and I call my mom. I want to be treated with respect, and I feel like she will talk to me like an equal if I get my mom on the phone. I explain my mom is a nurse Practioner and that I want her to explain to us why my referral got rejected after being approved. Before my mom answers, she asks if we can talk before she gets on the phone, I laugh and tell her no.

To be continued....

(There should only be one more installation of this nightmare)

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Part I of the PRC/IHS nightmare

After being diagnosed with Breast Cancer, especially being as young as I am, with no family history of ANY CANCER, how long do you think it should take to get an MRI and a consultation with a Surgical Oncologist? A week, maybe two at most, right?

You would be wrong. As I was wrong. It took me from May 8th until June 13th to get an MRI done, June 18th to have a consultation with my Medical Oncologist (Dr R.), June 28th to have a consultation with my Surgical Oncologist (Dr. S). Yes, you read that right.

Why might something so simple take so fucking long, you might ask?

Hold on to your butt, and get ready to hate the American healthcare system for those too poor to have insurance.

So a little about me, for the past 6 years I've been an apprentice in two funeral homes until I had a mental break and took a few months off and went to a part time customer service job as an assistant manager. In the past 6 years I haven't had a job that offered health, dental, or vision insurance even though I worked 40+ hours a week, nights on call (going out and doing removals for the funeral home after hours. From 5pm-8am the next day), and weekends.

I'm lucky enough to have a CDIB card, meaning I had a relative down the line who signed the Indian rolls during the Trail of Tears. And therefore I have Indian health care. It's like the VA or other free clinics. You wait all day, even if you had an appointment scheduled.

Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly lucky to have said health care, it just sucks sometimes. I've had wonderful doctors and care and I've had awful, negligent doctors. It's a spectrum of all that and everything in between.

Right, back to the point.

- ultrasound and mammogram - May 3rd '18

- Biopsy - May 8th '18

Approximately a week goes by and I get another referral in the mail from IHS to take to PRC for approval of my MRI and consultation with my Surgical Oncologist. PRC is only open Tuesdays and Thursdays for abput 4 hours each day. I find out after going to PRC that since I have a chart started I don't have to go in unless I've moved or it's been 5 years since I've had a chart. (I'll post a picture of what it says at the bottom of every referral). They tell me to call them a week later to check the status.

     I go to the Indian clinic and talk to my Breast Health Rep, "Susie", since the Oncology rep I've been transferred to, Kathleen, is on vacation for a week longer. She has me sign up for insurance specifically for breast and cervical cancer. It can take 3-5 weeks for approval. But she reassures me she hasn't seen anyone not get approved, and that it's a fast track for me to be put on Medicaid. I get a planner and binder full of info and brochures about Breast Cancer.

I wait a week, it's now May 17th. I call, and find out it's been approved by PRC! I should be getting a call from the breast clinic I went to, for an appointment for an MRI and from the Surgical Oncologist of my choice.

I wait a week and hear nothing, I call my PCP at the Indian clinic and leave a message asking for my hormone results, since they have yet to call me about my diagnosis and/or hormone results. I wait the rest of the week, I hear nothing back. At this point Kathleen, my Oncology rep is back from vacation. Do I hear from her? Nope.

I call the breast clinic the following Tuesday, (Monday was a Holiday), May 29th, and ask if they've gotten my approval from PRC about my MRI, and ask the nurse navigator if she has my hormone results from the biopsy. She is amazed I haven't had a consult with a Surgical Oncologist, then is pissed I haven't even had an MRI!  She gets off the phone to get information on my case, and to call my PCP and Kathleen. She has left messages for both, but has found out her clinic has sent three, yes THREE separate requests to get my MRI done and all have been unanswered.

I call PRC to check on the progress of getting an appointment and find out it's been rejected.........

WHATINTHEACTUALFUCK!?!?!

It was approved last week! Why is it rejected? How is that possible? What happened? Why wasn't I notified? What do I do now?....

[thelifeandtimesofthe-c-word-blog]

Biopsy and Diagnosis

After getting of the phone with my breast clinic (May 3rd) to set up my biopsy for May 8th. An anxiety attack ensues in the car. At this point, I'm worried sick, stressed out, consumed by hopelessness and defeat.

 My fiance sits with me and talks me out of it. I'm so very grateful for the love and support my fiance, James, has shown since day 1 of the Cancer possibility. He is able to calm me and talk me out of the worst anxiety attacks and does so with such love and empathy. He's been my biggest supporter and lighthouse in the darkness that threatens to crash around me.

I call my mom once I've calmed down enough to talk, and update her on what's going on. I've kept it pretty quiet, at least the extent of it. I talked about the lump I'd noticed, but not everything up to this point.

James And now my mom know the extent, and the likelihood that this is more serious than mastitis. The question now is, is it benign? Or is it malignant? The question that will haunt me for about a week.

Right, back to where I was going with this. Called my mom for support, guidance, and medical opinion (she was a Nurse Practioner in Oncology for almost a decade. She is now enjoying retirement living in tropical paradise, Belize 🌴☀)

She makes plans to be there for my biopsy appointment, without me having to ask. I'm an emotional wreck again. ((I'm working on my issues of self-worth.) That's a post for another day))  The love she has for me overwhelms me. The unyielding support and strength she had and continues to have through some of the most traumatic and heartbreaking of times. I'm really g it the jackpot in the mom department. The older I get the more I realize that. 😍😢

        My biopsy appointment day is here, I've been told I can't take any pain killers with blood thinners. My right boob has been hurting more and more often.

We are there 30 minutes early again. And again I can't bring James back. Or my mom. I go through the same undressing procedure. On the way into the changing room, the nurse asks me if I put on deodorant. I forgot and stated so, another lady apparently overheard and said "who forgets that they can't wear deodorant", dismissively. Anxiety spike.

Once I get back in the room they lay me on my left side, right arm overhead and put into a Styrofoam pillow. They hook me up to an ultrasound machine to see where they are needing to take biopsies from each mass. They take seven biopsies total: Four from the lump in my breast, three from my Sentinel Lymph Node.  Basically the biopsy needle is a straw with a hollow large gage needle. And a couple tubes for it to catch samples of tissue. They put a biopsy marker in as well, for it to be easier to find if they needed to in the future. I try to look at medically so I can learn and see what's happening. It separates the emotional aspect for me and puts it in a cold, practical way. It's how I'm having to deal. But it's also pretty cool to watch.

On my way out they give each patient a rose of their choice at the check out desk.

My mom gets an air bnb and stays 4 nights, she lets us stay with her. Our living situation is pretty stressful and continues to get worse. (Another story for another day.)

On Friday afternoon, I get the call that changed my life forever. I put the call on speakerphone so my mom and James can hear  what the radiologist has to say.

My biopsy can back positive for Breast Cancer.

The mass in my breast is ~5cm (~2 inches), they couldn't get clear margins..

It's Invasive Ductal Carcinoma...

It's spread to at least my Sentinal Axillary Lymph Node (they can't tell how many, and they won't be able to until I get a consultation with a Surgical Oncologist and an MRI)....

It's Grade II, meaning it's spread to lymph nodes. There is three Grades. Grade I, cells are normal; Grade II, cells are cancerous; Grade III, cells are metastatic (meaning they are the most aggressive)

It'll be 3-5 business days for me to get my hormone results.....

I won't know the Stage of my cancer until I see my Surgical Oncologist and Medical Oncologist.

...I shut down....

[thelifeandtimesofthe-c-word-blog]

Ultrasound and mammogram. May 2018

FINALLY, I get an appointment for my ultrasound and mammogram, the Breast clinic I was sent to told me they didn't think they'd be able to do the biopsy the same day, but they would try to squeeze me in.

My inner dialogue goes something like this: fuck, this is really happening.

Well it could be benign, or a cyst, or mastitis. It's not lupus, it's never lupus lol.

I could be worrying about nothing..... but this could be really bad. I've waited so long to take action concerning my health. I did this to myself. I should've been more persistent with my obgyn and making her care about the mass in my breast. Why don't I care about myself enough to do what I should've done. [PANIC ATTACK]

The day of, I'm on autopilot. Completely shut down, my way of dealing with stress to prevent a mental breakdown. Ativan and weed have kept me semi-normal, only one breakdown!

We get there about 30 minutes early, I'm vaping like a steam train. To the poor unfortunate souls that were victims of the pervasive fruity-pebbles-scented-clouds in my wake, I'm sorry. Truly.

I fill out the needed paperwork, my to-do crochet bag is like an extra appendage. It has a minimum of two projects and a couple random other yarn skiens. Crocheting has helped my anxiety tremendously. It keeps my hands and mind busy. You should try it.

When I get called back I'm highly anxious, they tell me James can't come back with me. *heart rate increase, shallow breaths*

(Don't get me wrong, I understand why they don't allow men back there.) You walk down a hallway to another small waiting room with 6 or seven doors going into changing rooms with two lockers each. I'm handed a gown and wipes. I must have looked puzzled, because the nurse replies quickly with, "Did you put on deodorant today?"

 Me:"well, yeah"

Nurse: you need to wipe off all the deodorant as it can have certain chemicals that would make the imaging be inaccurate, Undress top only, put on your gown. You can put your clothes and personal belongings in one of the lockers, lock it and bring the key with you out into the small waiting room and we'll call you back."

After a few minutes I sit in the waiting room and I'm called back soon after.

Now I don't know if any of you have had a mammogram, but they DO NOT prepare you for the squashing that takes place.

It's an upright machine with two horizontal metal/glass plates attached to an arm so that they can moves said plates. they have you stand close to the machine and adjust the plates to your height, so they are even with your chest. The tech picks up my boobs and puts the lower plate under them and has them rest on the plate. Then they get the second plate and put it on top. 

TITTY SANDWHICH ! They lower the top plate down onto the bottom plate and squish your boobs until they are flat as possible. (OW!!) Then again one side at a time.

I ask to see the images she got. All I can see is dense breast tissue and I can somewhat make out the mass I have felt.

I'm a little more freaked out.

I get taken to another room for the ultrasound. It goes fairly well other than a lengthy time for a typical ultrasound. 2 hours. It took 2 hours....

The tech couldn't quite figure out the size since there were no clear margins and dense breast tissue. I ask if I can get a copy of my pathology reports and ultrasound images. And I'm out the door, until we go back in a couple days later to get the disc with the images and my pathology report.

Since the ultrasound and mammogram took so long they needed to schedule a day for the biopsy but that the breast clinic had to send a referral back to PRC for a second appointment, since PRC only approved for this all to be done in one appointment. The breast clinic calls me back 30 minutes after I leave with an appointment for my biopsy. It's been approved by PRC. The appointment is five days later on May 8th.

And the anxiety continues to rise....

[thelifeandtimesofthe-c-word-blog]

Be your own advocate

Fast forward to March 2018.

The lump in my right breast has gotten noticeably bigger (from nickel size to about a golf ball!) In the months prior. Discharge isn't happening with compression as it used to. A pain, mostly centered around my menstrual cycle and inflammation. I finally break down and make a same day appointment at the Indian clinic (walk in and wait, hoping they can see you). I get to see my Primary Care Physician (PCP), Dr K.

Dr K was immediately concerned. She had labwork done, took a culture from the discharge from my right nipple, and did a breast exam. She says she'll get a referral put in for an ultrasound, mammogram, and biopsy. And makes an appointment to see her in a month to see if there's any change and hoping I'll have the referral work done.

At this point I'm worried and stressed, but also relieved that a doctor is finally taking this seriously.

Two weeks later I get my referral in the mail and bring it to the health contractor (PRC) yo get a chart started and the process of it being approved started.

-You are told it might be a couple weeks for approval, since the company only meets once a week with a stack of referrals and go through and either approve or deny the referral. Basically they are approving or denying payment of medical needs that can't be taken care of in their own facilities.

I also call Dr. K And ask what came back on my lab work and culture. Nothing abnormal except my white blood cells were elevated.

I get called two weeks later with an appointment the next week, on May 3rd. Shit is getting real now. I do what I can to keep my mind off things.

[thelifeandtimesofthe-c-word-blog]

Always get a second opinion

Starting when I first noticed a lump about the size of a nickel in my right breast in November 2016, not only was there a lump but I also has discharge with compression that would range in colors of green, yellow, orange, and white/clear. (Now mind you I've never carried a baby to term, only having one miscarriage a few years ago that wasnt very far along, I'd estimate about 2 months.) But I figured I was a medical anomaly who was experiencing mastitis (milk ducts full and blocked, which can lead to infection, if untreated)

I had an upcoming yearly check up with OB/GYN at the Indian clinic, within that same month. I made notes of the size of the lump and the fact my nipple had discharge.

( I work part time and have no benefits, thankfully I have a CDIB card and could receive care through the local Indian hospitals. )

I go in and everything goes how it usually does. Until we get to the end and she does a simple breast cancer check. (It requires you to lay down topless while the doctor is supposed to feel around for lumps. She does this, and says nothing of the lump.... I question whether she felt it and she nonchalantly says she did. I explain the other symptoms like the discharge, and she hems and haws, finally she says she'll put in a referral for me to get a mammogram. (What this means for me is

- they have to send me a referral letter in the mail

- I then have to take the referal to a health contractor during a three hour window two days a week, that outsources medical needs to other hospitals

-wait for said health contractor approve payment

- wait for medical facility the contractor sends you to, to call you with an appointment.

At least that's how it should've went, I didn't find out until later.

The OB/GYN says she'll send me a referral in the mail. I never received it. Despite me calling a handful of times, leaving messages when necessary, I never had a check up appointment, I never got a call back from my OB/GYN.

I figured it was mastitis. I overlooked it, thinking there's no way it's anything else. My family has no history of breast cancer, no history of cancer of any kind for that matter. Plus I'm young, I was 26 at that time. The odds were in my favor genetically and age wise. At least that's what I thought. And boy was I wrong.

[thelifeandtimesofthe-c-word-blog]

“We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up or fight like hell.”

— Lance Armstrong