thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom

[thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom]

Its funny i still pretend like people read this . Not like i update ever . Blerg this is really painful. What do i mean by that? Im not sure it is just a pain in the chest kinda like my heart eating its self just to survive the bleakness .

Dark dark dark.

I was told to bee silly for the sake of … well myself at this point. There isn’t anyone which is kinda my main gripe but then again one has to try for that to be a complaint to be taken seriously.

Forever alone and … happy?

I dont know im just choosing to interpret the pain as happiness it is to dark otherwise and there is no coming back from that particular singularity.

Im listening to miike snow my trigger which is appt because there is a big red button i would love to push (like the music video) in the hopes of blowing it all up but thats stupid .

Im leaning heavily on B C and D subplots given the soupyness it plays out in the brain space. Everything has been done nothing is new except what hasent and what is new. Fuck fuck fuck feels good to say that.

Nothing ever is what we think its just our best aproximation.

I want to talk about love i was a big proponent of it but now im not sure. Its all fighting and maybe you get lucky and you meet someone you vibe with but how long does that last. Time is a funny thing.

I keep looking out in the future and boy oh boy is it [redacted]

I miss my friends i wonder what everyone is doing.

Probably all having sex doing drugs and rocking out to sic jams (lets just ignore reality for a lil here)

Blerg i just want someone i can get in trouble with whatever that means🫠🤪🤪

Fuckit some lesson about loving the trouble you get into with yourself hallmark ending

✌🏻

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[thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom]

Among his other activities, [Steve Wozniak] collects phone numbers, and his longtime goal has been to acquire a number with seven matching digits. But for most of Woz’s life there were no Silicon Valley exchanges with three matching digits, so Woz had to be satisfied with numbers like 221-1111. Then, one day, while eavesdropping on cell phone calls, Woz begin hearing a new exchange: 888. And then, after more months of scheming and waiting, he had it: 888-8888. This was his new cell-phone number, and his greatest philonumerical triumph. The number proved unusable. It received more than a hundred wrong numbers a day. Given that the number is virtually impossible to misdial, this traffic was baffling. More strange still, there was never anybody talking on the other end of the line. Just silence. Or, not silence really, but dead air, sometimes with the sound of a television in the background, or somebody talking softly in English or Spanish, or bizarre gurgling noises. Woz listened intently. Then, one day, with the phone pressed to his ear, Woz heard a woman say, at a distance, “Hey, what are you doing with that?” The receiver was snatched up and slammed down. Suddenly, it all made sense: the hundreds of calls, the dead air, the gurgling sounds. Babies. They were picking up the receiver and pressing a button at the bottom of the handset. Again and again. It made a noise: “Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.” The children of America were making their first prank call. And the person who answered the phone was Woz.

“The World According to Woz” in Wired (September 1998)

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Happy day

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Good morning.

[thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom]

Lordy lordy

Things keep coming dont they. Hmmm maybe i can regain some semblance of normalcy .

This last year has been absolutely insane…

Apart from Taylor Swift telling me to fuck off and the new - mor - ous fist fights i dont think i ever want to relive this garbage again.

I wont go into details but this years journey on the HMS mental health has been turbulent to say the least.

Not that i wasn’t exacerbating it between [redacted] and [redacted] i was definitely walking the knifes edge.

Tictok was kind of ground zero for people to watch as i unravel. all the posts have been deleted but still it happened.

I had convinced myself of truths that did not hold up to the light about threads long forgotten.

Oh well you live and you learn.

[thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom]

Magic apparently I didn’t lose my number things to be grateful for today

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I’ve come to realize that I can’t say that I’ve been sober even though I had about 4 1/2 years I was still planning on going out and wasn’t over it.

That resulted in some fundamentally stupid behavior that I cannot reconcile. I can only hope against Hope that friendship trumps stupid.

I still have a lot of work to do both mentally and all of it. I think I’m gonna take this time and use it instead of what I was doing for the 4 1/2 years of just kind of bidding my time and making plans for the inevitable high.

The frustrating thing that I found was that while sober from substances, I still found other highs and it took me to some pretty dark places.

Now I don’t know if the damage is permanent, I hope not.

I guess only time will tell.

[thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom]

Good morning

[thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom]

Lost my number no one can get ahold of me any more.

[thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom]

I feel incredibly alone right now. There isn’t helped by the fact that my phone carrier is broken and I can’t receive or make phone calls asides from SOS phone calls maybe the people at 911 are lonely and want somebody to talk to.

I think I’m just gonna stay up all night tonight. Sleep doesn’t seem to be helping.

The reality is nothing seems to be helping.

I just want…

Sigh…

Words are garbage.

Even on this blog that is supposed to be an entirely me centered experience I feel selfish saying what I actually feel.

Also, if I say it out loud, it makes it real.

I think I’m hoping beyond hope that at least some person taps the heart on Tumblr.

I mean part of me is just like hoping that maybe some bot somewhere accidentally or is programmed to inflate likes and gives one of my posts a single heart.

I have no expectation of ever going viral on any platform ever.

But just knowing that at least some person or some thing visited my page I mean, I guess I counts for something, but it hasn’t happened yet so yeah.(edit thank you )

 Boil boy yes boil boy God, I love this technology. It seems to never understand any of what I say ever and just makes me laugh immensely. Oh, I just got a notification from Taylor Swift. Still thinking of you. This is torture. This sucks thinking of investing in shotguns or life insurance. JK sorry to take it to a dark place but if I don’t have a place to take it to a dark place to take it to a dark place to take it to a dark place to Yada yada yada .

I mean, Taylor is right torture and what not …

[thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom]

Evan been staring at the screen for 12 hours moving things around repeatedly. I’m so frustrated. I just undid something I was doing and it turns out that was a solution so I had everything in place and then I was extra for about 12 hours.

Sums up my life pretty accurately

Or maybe not I don’t know.

I guess I feel better than I did yesterday I mostly just feel numb which I know I said already, but I think it deserves repeating repeating.

I am trying to break out of a cycle. I don’t know when it began, but it’s a long one.

I feel like I should give up on my hopes and I guess any equal part of my dreams go back to Black.

But I mean things are pretty empty without them, but they might be holding me back from what I’m not sure…

I feel like the only way to get by in the world is not to care.

Caring seems to be where you get in trouble.

 Trouble, trouble trouble.

Oh, the woes of the troubled soul.

If there is such a thing.

I like this blog all I have to say is I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know I don’t know. I don’t know…

Because that seems to be all I can come up with saying a lot of times in my day today when I’m passing the time I think of stories and I think of things, but I never get them down on paper or digital or whatever

I’ve gotten a few down. And I know that they say all good writers need to actually set time aside and write . So I think I’ll do that I guess.

Should I start right now?

…

After 12 hours, my brain still turn to load anything creative.

I think I will just be plastering my brain against the wall if I attempt anything.

 Thinking of you hope you’re all right later skater.

[thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom]

I’m feeling pretty toxic right now not toxic like I’m a bad individual but toxic in that I don’t feel like I can even give it away whatever it is. I feel really lonely right now and I am feeling feels . I don’t have anybody to talk to so I’m just talking to the void.. I guess that’s what I’m calling this blog now I know I said the long thought, and it was a long thought and frustration noise.

I’m struggling to see the point of anything. not to say that I don’t have a plan or a goal or a direction forward but I am struggling to feel anything at all. I feel numb. I feel stupid and the only thing I know how to do right now is to keep doing what I originally set out with this blog to do..

It all seems impossible and it feels like a very cruel joke.

I mean, why give emotions at all if there is a God.

If there isn’t a God, why the fuck did these things happen to us?

I mean, sure it could just be a self emergent property.

I’m starting to feel more and more like a robot just going through the motions.

I mean, just a hug would be nice a hug from somebody that really wants to hug me and I want to hug them.

I feel like I can’t complain. Everything is fine pay no attention. Nothing is wrong. This is all just a joke ha ha ha ha ha so funny.

Discussion of potentialities came up today and I couldn’t not say something so I did.

The other party that would be involved told me they feel more than friendly feelings for me, which I guess is something but I still craving intimacy and there is no prospect. None whatsoever it’s incredibly frustrating because no one hits on me I mean ever I mean, I can’t say ever I guess. But. 

But when people have hit on me, the problem arises is that I’m not attracted to them. It’s not because they’re not physically attractive. It’s just I just don’t feel any chemistry with them so I don’t know. Maybe I’m doing something wrong putting something out in the universe, I have no clue .

That’s part of the big fuck up that I had a while ago as I tried to go back to a time when I knew someone was attracted to me because honestly, I’ve never really been sure that any of the people that I’ve been with have actually been attracted to me because They don’t seem to ever want to stay .

I feel like a waystation for other people to find their permanent people, and I don’t have permanent people outside of my family and family. You gross after a while starts to feel toxic .

I do and I don’t have a lot going for me .

And it really feels like a carrot on a stick type situation. Everyone always tells me you never know who you’re gonna meet next.

All of the people that are married or in committed relationships they always tell me this and I always just want to tell them to go fuck themselves.

I’m on the verge of giving up on sex in relationships in all of it entirely.

With the people that I’ve been with I think the thing that I’m experiencing is that we have an initial chemistry and then the chemistry wears off the chemicals leave our systems and they either get bored of me which is weird or we just don’t have compatible personalities outside of the initially experience something that we probably should’ve just stayed friends.

I want to cry, but I’m too tired too, and I don’t think it would do any good it used to be that the catharsis from crying would make me feel better but now I’m so numb that when I do cry, it’s usually at times when it doesn’t make any sense It’s like an overall sadness just everything is sad. And that seems to be the only thing driving things forward.

 so the perpetual motion machine of sadness works, I guess.

I usually write stuff with the idea that somebody’s reading it really doesn’t feel like that and I’m not sure that I can keep up the imagination anymore. I mean, I have told my family about this and I’ve been doing this for years and they don’t seem to realize that this is where I put things That I would never say to anybody so it really feels like I’m related to strangers who don’t even care sometimes I mean sure they care about what they care about but they don’t check in on me. My creative endeavors are uninterest to them apparently.

So if I can’t even get my relatives to be Even superficially interested in what I have to say why the fuck do I think anything that I say is going to be interesting to anybody? How the fuck am I gonna be able to make anything?

Why the fuck would anybody want to read any of what I have to say? Why the fuck would anybody wanna play any games that I ever make?

There is no fucking point.

I think I wrote somewhere that love is lost and hope is dead. That wasn’t a joke ever since I’ve been young I’ve dreamed of falling in love and the chemical love where oxytocin or dopamine or whatever floods your brain you can’t see straight and blah blah blah reality is that just seems like addiction And that roller coaster is so fucking tired?

I don’t even know what the word means anymore LOVE?

My family says they love me but it’s not the kind of love that I want I mean sure if I could build my own family or my own family or what not but no one gives a fuck. No one wants to. I’ve tried to talk about it to people it always just falls apart.

People love to say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

What do they expect? They don’t give anything new nobody tries anything different.

I gave away all my quarters to this guy on the street. They wanted food at first. I told him no I didn’t have any money and I just walked away, but then I was standing in front of the bus and I filled all the quarters in my pocket and I was just like fuck, the truth of it is he probably didn’t need my quarters. Probably could’ve found somebody else probably was going to get fed, but after the talk of potentialities this morning, voice in my head just said don’t get cold.

Because the truth of where I’m at is I just want to shut everything and everyone out I don’t wanna deal with anything anymore. I don’t wanna have to put up with anything. I don’t wanna have to try. It feels like nobody has ever tried to lean on me and I feel like I have to lean on myself, which feels like an impossible shape I feel like I’m floating in nowhere space. And God has told me lean up against the wall and I am like fuck you God I’m the only thing here you think I’m the wall?

And God is like aren’t you the wall and I’m like Jesus fucking Christ are you dog or you god

And God is like what’s the difference?

I’m sorry that I’m talking about GOD but I really don’t feel like I have anywhere else to turn to sure there’s therapy but fucking therapy. it only goes so far I don’t have anybody to talk to not about real things not about what that word means either LOVE or GOD or even DOG so I guess I’ll just talk to myself. I’m crying now it doesn’t feel good or bad.

 Really use a friend not use a friend, but it would nice. It would be nice to know that somebody gives a fuck.

I mean, this may just all be 21 days sober or some bullshit. This could all just be whiny little baby doesn’t have his bottle or his joint or whatever crutch.

It could also just be that I’m stuck on a problem right now and it’s not immediately solving itself(programming).

It could also be that I’m turning 40 this year and everybody keeps saying it’s such a big birthday and I keep telling them yeah I don’t give a fuck. I really don’t care 42 is my birthday. That’s the big year for me who gives a fuck about 40.

 they let me kiss them on the neck while they were here. I was doing everything in my fucking power not to hit on them and I fucking failed. I fucking failed big time not embarrassing way they were receptive. They listened and I think they understood but I broke down and asked them if we could make out, and they all just said no and then left.

I immediately left the house got on the bus and got my shot. My court mandated shot.

On the way back that’s where I ran into the guy asking for food.

I kind of thought to myself well, if you don’t ask, you don’t get that’s not solace for me asking if we can make out just the truth. I have to ask otherwise no one will ever try. No one will ever try and I don’t know.

I also looked in the mirror in one of the public restrooms and I just could not…

It’s hard to look in the mirror after someone tells you no and not feel like everything that you’re seeing is just absolutely wrong.

 I want to say whatever and then just delete from my memory everything from today backwards all of it I don’t wanna keep any of it. It hurts too much and it just compound as it keeps going forward isolation and just feel deeper.

They originally started out writing this blog and this game for any potentialities that might be mine or could be mine, but I’m feeling like that is never gonna happen. No one has said to this point yes you are someone that I would like this with haven’t even been an option and those that when in accident happened, they chose to get rid of it so yeah I guess this is all for the dead ends and the .. now I’m just fucking bitter.

That is like a good defense. I guess I called the lemon defense of his bullshit of making lemonade. It’s just eating as many lemons until you. You collapse in on yourself from how bitter everything is fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck come drizzling knob gobbler?

I don’t think I’m gonna edit. This am using text to speech to text. I’m using speech to text so it takes some liberties in the dictation but I really don’t give a flying F word.

 I’ve been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift lately. I mean I’ve always listened to a lot of Taylor Swift. I’ve never been good at memorizing anything so please don’t quiz me. There were a lot of like references in my memory to Taylor Swift, but Taylor Swift and Taylor Swift aren’t the same Taylor Swift that you probably think of as Taylor Swift. There’s a very specific person that I referred to as Taylor Swift in my mind. I don’t know if it’s good or bad. I’m not even sure if I can talk about this just for the emotional blah blah blah or just out of respect for both Taylor Swift, and Taylor Swift.

At the height of my insanity or clarity or whatever I had a car.

Taylor Swift, the Taylor Swift, that everyone Taylor Swift was being played on the radio constantly and the song that was on repeat at the time was delicate, and I just remember bawling my eyes out driving around as randomly as I could because everybody knows there is as far as I can tell Almost nothing that is random. So do my best to keep it true do my best to keep it. Random doing my best to keep it true random doing my best to keep it true random.

I told the soccer ball one time that I was working on true random.

I think that’s where I fucked up the most.

 Delicate, true, random zombie zombie zombie the ever-expanding maze solvable in constant time thanks to fucking stamps.

This is isn’t about anybody in general, but I’m just gonna say it. I had a dream about you the other night you were just looking at me and smiling. I woke up and immediately didn’t know what to do because I felt like those strings.

For long time, I thought they were spiderwebs.

I wrote a story once it was about LOVE and spiderwebs and the devil.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

That word has almost no meaning, see words prior to the end of this sentence.

OK, it’s all meaning from here on out. Everything means something now everything except for that that everything didn’t mean anything, but that everything did mean everything and this last everything definitely means something.

I still [redacted] you.

So fucking sue me.

I don’t want to give it up. I will if I have to, but I don’t want to.

It was the first thing that felt real so fuck.

You’re probably not gonna read this you probably don’t think about me.

Whatever.

[thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom]

I have been extremely reckless the last 8 to 9 months I feel like I owe a lot of people a lot of apologies.

It may just be me subconsciously acting out as I approach middle-age or pre-middle-age or whatever.

For what it’s worth I am sorry.

I’ve had a lot of things thrown in my face recently, that have really shown a light on my own shortcomings. And there are a lot of them boy oh boy.

Trying to not get depressed about it.

The reality is, I kind of lived in a moment and it wasn’t a moment that even the people that were with me really remember.

Clearly, because if they did, my life would have taken a completely different turn.

Not sure how to feel about it, though if I had gone down the other path, it probably would’ve just been terrible because I wasn’t who I am now.

Also, I kinda laugh at myself because the reality is there is no promise that that other path was even a remote possibility. Knowing how I was when I was younger, I know I would’ve fucked it up somehow.

Clearly because I have thoroughly fucked it up this last 8 to 9 months.

The reality is I really love saying the reality is, but it is impossible for me to move forward without reflecting on the past.

The moment that I was living in was so minor, but it is colored my very existence my soul.

Had a dream the other night the people that I was in the moment with were there and it was beautiful. I woke up, and I immediately smoked some nicotine and cried and swore at God.

I kind of built a tower in myself based on that moment. And as a result of me fucking it fucking things up the tower kind of crumbled.

Now, I think the tower had a good foundation it was actually based on something true. Which truth is something that I’ve struggled with for a long time.

I’ve been so uncertain for so long since as long as I can remember, honestly that I don’t know how to move forward.

Like I said, the foundation is I think solid so I think I should clear the rubble and build on that foundation.

I can’t forget that memory or that moment that I lived in for so long because it saved my life it’s complicated but based off of everything that I know it’s the truth.

I hope everyone’s all right.

I never meant to cause any issue or strife.

But I was being incredibly selfish these last few months and like I said I I think it has something to do with facing down death or old age whatever you wanna call it.

That moment should’ve been enough, just knowing.

And also knowing that they exist, should’ve been enough.

Oh boy, oh gosh, geez Louise.

 I’m optimistic. I think things can turn around as long as I don’t stay in this funk this self-pity mode where I view the past and live in it I think living in it is the problem because I’m not who I was nobody from that memory is who they were anymore, we get to move forward the game life reality it keeps chugging along and I am for some reason keep clinging to it mostly just to see where things go.

I really did have more plans. Well I’ve always had plans. Plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan the first part of executing a plan is the plan failing.

I had a plan when I first saw and it is pretty far from where it is now whoever you are.

I did kind of think that this was a possibility like me being at this point in my life feeling the way I’m feeling having achieved. Nothing having no prospects for anything ever. I’m being a little sarcastic with myself because my prospects and my my achievements are not something that are nothing.

That said, I really wish I could go back to the original plan that I had when I first saw whoever i mean what ever.

That is the selfish me talking that selfish me mostly just talks to itself. It’s kind of like Gollum in its cave, clutching onto its precious memory.

Boy, do I feel dumb.

I wish there was some way I could make amends to , whoever or whatever.

[thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom]

It is incredibly frustrating how everything stops when my mood dips a little bit even just a tiny bit. It is disgustingly beautiful outside and I know I should be not feeling this way right now, but I can’t help it. Feel pretty untethered. I am currently rewriting everything. It’s not that it was bad. It just got away from me and started going in directions that we’re going to be impossible to maintain.

Additionally, I’ve had a lot of good insights about myself about the creative process and about I guess you would say the spiritual journey that you go on in the process of creating anything.

The original wish or vision that I had when I was a kid seems very silly now, but it’s still at the heart of what I am trying to do and neglecting that would seem a disservice to not only myself, but any sort of artistic honesty.

Which is very funny because I’m not sure that artist having integrity or honesty I mean, maybe they do. I know that when I try to create something and I’m not being honest with myself it just feels like garbage so I guess I answered my own question.

I don’t know how I’m gonna do this saying what I need to say without saying what I need to say I’m going to have to obfuscate the crap out of everything.

It’s a good story up to this point not the story I had hoped for or wished for, but it’s still my story and for that I’m really grateful.

A lot of people don’t have things to say and I do.

Had hoped that this story would be a love story and it’s still might. I don’t know what the future holds. I do know that in some part it is still a love story.

Not necessarily romantic, love story but definitely a love story.

I originally set out to write this story for any potential kids that I may have or have had or whatever honestly I don’t know it’s not likely but there’s still the off chance.

Regardless of I have any kids I’m still writing it for some kids, but it is taking a distinctly adult turn so there will probably be a restrictions for anything that I produce.

Again, I don’t know what the future holds, and I am incredibly confused by everything that has happened.

 I have an ending written well I have several endings written. I have a feeling, though they will not be anything close to what actually happens in reality.

This place is kind of funny. I hated it at first everything about it the gravity, the sun I wanted to basically just curl up and die.

Spoiler alert that is one of the endings JK it is, but it isn’t what you think it is.

And hoped that I had found somebody that was a kindred spirit and I may have but again I don’t know. I’m so fucking confused but I’m gonna hope for the best friends remember shit is shit but shit ain’t shit blah blah blah blah blah blah yada yada yada words, words words.



[thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom]

I am extremely stupid