themeekonesy

[themeekonesy]

It Feels Like I Didn't Even Come Out

Whenever my friends ever ask me if I've came out to my parents yet, I always seem uncertain in my answer and forage in my brain if I should say yes or no, or even answer at all (in that case I awkwardly giggle and struggle to change the topic).

I'd like to explain this issue I have, from a Closeted Gay Chinese Malaysian perspective. On why I am so uncertain between my answer even though I did come out.

The first person I came out too was my father, I lied out of fear that I was bisexual, that I liked both boys and girls. And I was met with "You are weak, I heard people like you get bullied, you must become stronger.", and it stuck with me since. I understand his perspective, he wants to protect me from our harsh reality, he didn't want me to face the torment others could pose onto me if they found out.

Next I told my mother, that I was gay (truthfully!). And she said the only thing she couldn't accept was if I turned into a girl, and acted femininely (trans most likely). As she hugged me saying she would love me "no matter what". Except this no matter what had limitations, unjust and untruth to its statement. Which was confusing, my own mother blatantly said she loved me with limitations.

Lastly, I told my religious Buddhist aunt (albeit my parents too are religious yet not as religious as my aunt), not that I was gay, nor bisexual. But the fact that the LGBTQ+ community existed. And she said "People like this can't exist in our world.", which was the most fear-spiting for me. I really do love my aunt, she's taken care of me since young, fed me, loved me since time immemorial yet I do not know the bounds of her love for me. Her uncertain love that may manifest physically if she ever found out about my homosexuality.

The reason I am so uncertain, is perhaps because. I think it was a standard-defining moment for them, an unusual and scary one at most. I'm sure enough they pray for me, pray that I would become normal. Nevertheless, I too wish to be "normal" by nature's apparent standards (yes I do know homosexuality is present amongst the animal kingdom). But I'm sure they have forgotten about that experience too, that they choose to blindly follow their truth on how homosexuality would never run between their blood.

So I've never been certain on my answer to that question, as I fear they have forgotten that experience, and shoved it somewhere far-far, deep down in that brain of theirs.

Lately I've been trying to act more centered towards my biological gender and not be feminine. Because well, I don't want to be shamed, bullied, uncertain of someone's love for me, or to be loved within limitations. It crushes me for the fact that I don't even know if I've came out in a situation like this.

I didn't choose to be gay, I too wish to be "normal", and I fear I will always have a deep uncomfortable feeling towards that question. So I am uncertain, uncertain of my life, uncertain if my parents truly even love me at all.(this really applies to anybody LGBTQIA+)

If anyone reads this and knows someone in such a pity life like mine, please just land a hand. Homophobia only spreads hate and dysphoria, but not even a sense of understanding on what homosexuality is, isn't much of a help either.

Sincerely, that weird gay Chinese Malaysian kid.