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[themxnstr]

◆ — sometimes home can be another person

Andrew’s view on marriage was definitely not romantic. Not that he was against Nicky and Erik’s, but to him, it was nothing but a contract. It didn’t mean anything to him, it was just words and symbols and signatures. Weddings and marriages were just for show. Of course, it could be useful, like, for example, for paying taxes — the only good reason he could think of to justify getting married to Neil one day. Not that he ever thought of reasons to marry Neil, no, never crossed his mind.

He’d been reflecting on all of that as he got dressed, a tuxedo Nicky’d picked out for him to wear as one of his groomsmen. Which meant he was dressed exactly like Kevin and his brother. Ridiculous. And the only reason he wasn’t matching with Neil was because he was one of the “bridesmaids” (or groomsmaids, as Nicky called it), because Nicky insisted he had to have the couples in pairs. Same reason Renée would be standing on the same side of the altar as Andrew, so she’d pair up with Allison. Again, ridiculous. But Neil did look good in a purple suit, so Andrew wasn’t exactly complaining.

The ceremony was a bore, and Andrew had to refrain himself for yawning about a dozen times. He almost sighed in relief when it was over, and then he remembered, the reception. They were holding it at the same venue. The ceremony’d been on the grounds of an old german castle, outside on the grass, and the reception would be inside the castle, the place had it’s own ballroom. Andrew was frankly afraid of knowing how much that had cost his cousin. He was basically expressionless throughout the whole ordeal, save for a snort, a snicker or a raised eyebrow during his twin brother and Kevin’s speech. Even the girls had something to say. There, another reason not to have a wedding: being exposed in front of everyone you know as if it were a joke. Why people did this, Andrew couldn’t fathom. At least the alcohol was free.

When they were finally set free to do as they pleased, Andrew remained seated, staring at his glass of champagne for a solid thirty seconds before turning to Neil. “I need something stronger,” he said, putting the glass down on the table, having not taken a sip since it’d been refilled moments earlier. Again, he didn’t move, now transfixed on Neil’s face just inches from his own. Stupid. Neil had a stupid face. Gently, or, as gently as Andrew Minyard could muster, he pushed Neil’s face away and got up from his chair, turning in the direction of the bar. “Are you coming or not?” He didn’t even wait to see if Neil was coming before asking. It wasn’t like Andrew was a very patient man.

[themxnstr]

LGBT+ PRIDE WEEK   ♥ day one: gay pride

andrew joseph minyard

[themxnstr]

LGBT+ PRIDE WEEK   ♥ day one: gay pride

He didn’t want to leave Andrew with nothing, but what could he possibly say? “Thank you,” he finally said. He couldn’t say he meant thanks for all of it: the keys, the trust, the honesty, and the kisses. Hopefully Andrew would figure it out eventually. “You were amazing.”

andrew minyard & neil josten (aftg) 

[themxnstr]

nvthng:

                                       neil folded his last white t-shirt, knees growing cold from the mercilessness of the bathroom floor. he could hear andrew outside and, rationally, his brain was conscious that the more time he took inside, the less cooperative andrew’s mood would become, so he made quick work of stacking the last of his very sparse set of toiletries onto the proper section of his bag and stood up. the muscles on the back of his legs only protested slightly, used to the strain of the court more than anything. a wedding was an odd occasion to be preparing for, as much as it was to be expected in this particular case. neil was trying his best to be happy for nicky, despite the fact that marriage was such an abstract concept to his own brain, but most of all it was the extraction from the itchy north-american mid-october air that lured him out of his shell-shaped routine.

                                        shouldering the bag and grabbing his shoes from the very top of the hamper, he pushed the door open and fixed his boyfriend with a look that was halfway proud and halfway sheepish.  ❛  —— i cut my chin while shaving. it made me late.  ❜  his feet dragged him straight to the bed, where his phone charger laid unused and waiting to be packed, as well as a pair of earphones in case the situation with andrew’s anxiety got critical and he had to distract him somehow. he grabbed both.  ❛  —— did you get the tickets?  ❜

                  The look Neil sent his way made Andrew’s blood boil, he had no right looking at him like that. He hated him. He did, of course he did. Andrew remained completely expressionless, but as Neil made his way into the bedroom, he followed him instinctively. Andrew’s eyes accompanied his boyfriend’s movements, as he frequently did and never admitted to. There were many things Andrew would never admit to doing. “Of course I got them, don’t be stupid,” he practically spat out the words, acidic as ever. “Now come on, I don’t wanna be late because of you.” the words left him as he left the room, going back into the living room. 

                   Andrew had, of course, seen Neil grab the headphones and charger. And deep down he knew it was mostly for him. Unwelcome inside the hard shell he had molded for himself, Andrew felt something warm, metaphorically warm. Thankfulness, maybe. It was, in a way, comforting. Now his mind was racing with these thoughts, that he had let Neil in, he had let him get close, comfortable, and maybe even too much at times. But he could never bring himself to regret that decision. Finally, he shook the thoughts away and grabbed his bag and keys, before making sure the tickets were safe inside his pocket. “Neil, now. I didn’t pay for these just to leave you behind. Who would’ve thought someone who runs so fast is so slow to move?”

it takes a lot to know a man ✗ 02

[themxnstr]

it takes a lot to know a man ✗ 02

                Andrew knew since they graduated that foxes weddings would be inevitable, as well as having to attend them. The fact that Nicky was the first one of them to get married came as no surprise, even less so that he’d asked Andrew and Neil to be groomsmen, stating he didn’t choose them as bestman because he couldn’t pick a favorite, or something like that, Andrew didn’t care either way. He hadn’t even bothered with a response — it was obvious he was going, Nicky was family, after all, and he was important, even if Andrew never that out loud — , if Neil had said something to Nicky, Andrew didn’t know, but as soon as he got the news, he bought tickets to Germany that would get them there two days before the formalities started. The only confirmation Andrew gave Nicky was when he texted him to tell him what time they would get there and let him know they’d be renting a car. Andrew turned his phone on silent as soon as Nicky answered, sending text after text with too many emojis stating how happy he was. 

                Everything was ready when the day to leave finally came, the plane tickets were paid for, a hotel room for a week had already been booked and confirmed, as well as the car they would rent. All of that was done mainly in Neil’s favor, because Andrew knew how much he liked being prepared. But the extra days they’d be staying in Germany were somewhat of a surprise, a spur of the moment decision Andrew had made while getting things ready for the trip. Luckily, this all was happening during off-season, so he wouldn’t have to hear Kevin and Neil complain about missing practice. It would make him crazy to go to another country just to hear more about exy. Also, he had some news to break to Neil, about his decision. 

                 Andrew hadn’t seen Neil in the last half hour before they had to leave, “Neil, we have to go, now,” he said as he tied his shoes, making sure everything was packed and near the door through his peripheral vision. He waited for him near the door, growing slightly impatient. Even if, metaphorically, he’d already fallen with Neil and that wasn’t a fear anymore, the fear of actual, literal heights, was still there. Being in a plane for hours was already enough to make him anxious, he didn’t need Neil making them late as well. 

[themxnstr]

nvthng:

                                        ❛  —— news,  ❜  he teased, in a direct reference to a line of his own, adjusting to the space he was given on one half of the couch with a practiced ease that had taken effort to learn at the beginning, when he had been so used to making minimal room for himself. the sinking of his body was not comfort — not entirely. his skull was still ringing from the fight and the existential cesspool he’d tricked himself into because of it, and he silently hoped andrew would give him something; a hand around his ankle, conversation, anything.

                                        neil’s ribs seemed to take his settling down as a cue to react to his body’s previous jostling, and the vague ache in them was so sudden he had to bite his lip to keep from making noise. he kept still and took his time. he didn’t trust himself to reply before giving himself a minute to get used to the sensation, and by then most of his drive to sustain a wise tone had chafed. what came out instead was a slow, drowsy brand of teasing, vowels and eyes so soft anyone outside those walls would’ve found them strange on such a rifle of a boy.  ❛  —— if that’s the case, you’ve been saying the wrong name in bed for a while now.  ❜

                                        the bag positioned on neil’s chest wrinkled when he shoved his hand inside and dug around. his attention had shifted to the screen, though he had no ideia what he was supposed to be watching.  ❛  —— are psychopaths your source of entertainment when i’m not around?  ❜  he nudged andrew’s leg in an offhanded acknowledgement of his previous request, but his focus remained carefully set on the tv.   ❛  —— get them yourself.  ❜  the words skillfully disguised themselves; come closer, he meant. i dare you.

The way Neil answered made Andrew relax a little, it was something so typical of him to say, an answer so predictable, Andrew had to stifle a smile. It was a weird, yet comforting, feeling to not need to not constantly have his walls up. He still had his pride, so not everything changed. But he’d gotten so used to be around and with Neil this way, casually, talking, touching, that he couldn’t anymore say he didn’t like the feeling — that would be a lie. However, it still mystified him, how this boy became something so good in his life. Andrew was still healing, still in the process of figuring out feelings and emotions that weren’t all bad, he was learning that there wasn’t anything wrong with being okay. Yet he still needed some time to step away from the edge that kept him in an almost constant fight mode and to accept that he had space within him for positive sentiment. At least now, after so many years, the fear of falling had dissipated, after all, with Neil he’d fallen long ago. And it was okay. 

Neil’s teasing coaxed Andrew into rolling his eyes for the nth time since Neil got home that evening, and the words that came out of his mouth made Andrew want to shut him up. His protective instincts, though, kicked in and told him not to, Neil was injured and needed to heal fast. Nonetheless, he felt the longing for more contact, having spent the entire day apart left him frustrated. Andrew let himself take up some more space on the couch, and now his thighs covered Neil’s feet instead of just his toes, it wasn’t much, but it would suffice for now. 

“They’re interesting,” he answered matter-of-factly. His eyes were stuck on the TV although he wasn’t paying much attention to what was now a simulation of the events the documentary was supposed to be recounting, he remembered learning about them in class. “You’re such a brat,” he deadpanned, not satisfied nor impressed by Neil’s response, but anyone who knew him enough could hear the slight whine of annoyance hiding behind his emotionless tone. Nonetheless, he twisted his body so that now he was kneeling in front of Neil, leaning over him and towards the bad of marshmallows. He did so only partly because of his desire for sugar, and mostly out of the need for proximity. He could’ve just grabbed the bag and gone back to his former position, but their bodies were close enough that Andrew wanted more, so he leaned in farther towards Neil. “Yes or no?” he asked, one arm on the couch’s headrest, and the other one hovering over Neil’s legs. 

I’d tear the world down if it meant keeping you safe { 01 }

[themxnstr]

themxnstr:

nvthng:

                                         for the first time that night, neil felt a tentative semblance of control. relief and gratitude were two instant side effects. even when andrew’s tongue was at its cruelest, neil liked to think he heard a shade of something in his voice when it was directed at him— not quite affection, because andrew, but something akin to it, something between tolerance and fondness that made neil’s stomach feel funny. it was a reminder that he was known. andrew had accepted the iminence of neil in his life long enough ago that by now dealing with him was a regular event. he was used to him, his brain supplied unhelpfully, and in any other night the realization would have coaxed a smile from him, one that he would promptly get scolded for. as it was, he sighed and allowed the vice-like grip of his fingers on the counter to ease.

                                         ❛  —— you did.  ❜  he conceded, lips curved in a way that made his small, private smile resemble a hook.  ❛  —— i might need some incentive.  ❜  the suggestion in his tone was a bluff. he’d like a kiss, but the slow blink of his eyes left it clear his body was unfit for anything else. he made his way to the cupboard and collected a single bag, one with half of its original content, before following andrew’s path. he spared a thought for the duffel bag still lying right in front of the door, but made no effort to grab it. his body adjusted to the space left in the couch, a little rigidly because of the tension still in his shoulders, and he carefully tucked his toes under the side of andrew’s thighs.  ❛  —— if you grab the other bag i’m letting the cats eat your donuts. your choice.  ❜  it was a light warning, similar to many others he’d given before, for andrew’s own sake.

Andrew unpaused the film and returned to the sideways position he’d taken on the couch earlier that day, but now he had his legs tucked in so Neil could fit on the other half of the couch. His eyes were focused on some detective ou psychologist, he couldn’t remember, talking about Ted Bundy, one of the many psychopaths he’d learned about in college. The Foxes you used to like to compare him to men like that, to psychopaths, as if they knew what a true psychopath was, as if they knew him in anyway. Andrew wasn’t psychotic, but those for years of criminology unintentionally got him interested in that. His mind drifted back to the considerations he was making that morning, about leaving the team, about pursuing something else. He shook them away when Neil spoke again, “Needy,” was all he said, not admitting he knew what Neil was thinking and that he wanted the same thing.

When Neil showed up in the living room, Andrew promptly scolded him with his eyes when he saw he had only one bag of marshmallows with him, and it wasn’t even the full one. Good thing he’d thought about hiding the rest of the sweets he bought somewhere Neil couldn’t reach, well, he couldn’t either, not without a stool, but Neil didn’t know they were there. “I didn’t know I lived with Kevin Day,” he huffed, crossing his arms a little awkwardly since one of them was buried in the couch, but still managing to look perfectly annoyed. 

The feeling of Neil’s body against his after spending the whole day apart, even if just slightly, just the touch of his toes on his thighs, sent a modest and almost imperceptible tingling sensation through his legs. It felt nice (he would never admit that, of course), but it bothered him nonetheless. Even after all the years together, Andrew still couldn’t believe how someone like Neil could do this, whatever it was he was feeling, to him. It was annoying, honestly. “Pass me the marshmallows,” he ordered, not taking his eyes off of the tv, because he knew if he looked at Neil he wouldn’t be able to resist getting closer to him. 

I’d tear the world down if it meant keeping you safe { 01 }

[themxnstr]

themxnstr:

nvthng:

                                          neil didn’t protest. the next game was in less than two weeks and the lineup was weak; tara and corey were missing links, laura had a newborn at home and all their passes could use some work. still, he made sure his mouth stayed shut and instead of actively expressing any agreement, he let his silence speak. they both knew that if he really wanted to be at court tomorrow, he’d slink out of bed in the middle of the night without as much as a sound and be standing there at nine o’clock sharp. he wasn’t going to. neil was working on the honestly factor. and andrew was right, even though admitting it out loud required more humility than he’d probably have in his entire life; he was useless like this, his arm wouldn’t let him hold the racquet the right way and being checked against a wall could make the situation on his side a whole lot uglier.

                                          he didn’t even blink. andrew’s sharpness wasn’t new or unexpected, he deserved it for saying something as useless as sorry in the first place. renee would say it wasn’t neil’s fault, that the ties between past and present were not ones we had the privilege to cut permanently. she’d smile in that way she always did, so much more gentle than any family he’d ever known, and maybe it would make him breathe a little easier for a couple days, but he knew he’d be back to square one if something like this ever happened again. neil was not the boy who dug his nails into corey’s cheeks that night, he had to learn how to tame his anger in a way other than by letting it explode and send shards flying everywhere. his anger was his own, not the whole world’s; nathaniel was dead and if it came down to it, neil would destroy only himself with it.

                                             despite suspecting that the mention of dinner was a rare act of mercy, neil took the bait. switching the focus to something other than himself was something he was still good at.  ❛  —— depends. if i say marshmallows, are you gonna share?  ❜  smart mouth. not even the cruel exhaustion weighing down his body was powerful enough to stop it.  ❛  —— didn’t look like you were willing to before.  ❜

Andrew knew Neil wanted to go to practice, that maybe he had some stupid exy-obsessed reason to go, but he didn’t care, Kevin wasn’t there to make their life hell for skipping practice and Andrew would not allow Neil to get in worse shape than he already was. At least Neil knew better than to argue with him about it, apparently all Neil needed to grow a bit more common sense and self-preservation was a few years and a different team. Now he didn’t have the foxes entire, albeit small, line-up at his back, and Andrew was secretly glad he learned to live apart from them. Slip-ups occurred, but of course Andrew’s idiot boyfriend wasn’t perfect. 

Andrew was tired of talking about Neil’s ignorance, having had enough of it to last a lifetime, even though he knew he’d only get more and more of it as time passed. How Neil had become his sole reason to fight for something, Andrew didn’t know. What they needed now was a distraction, they needed Corey, Nathaniel and all the blood, gore and bruises far away from their minds for as long as possible. But now that his mind started clearing up, the kind of important thing he had to say to Neil popped back in. It wasn’t something he wanted to talk about in that moment, so he urgently needed to occupy himself some other way. Andrew had an idea, but Neil wasn’t in a good enough shape for that. 

Luckily, they had dinner to talk and to worry about. He rolled his eyes at the mention of marshmallows, his marshmallows, but was almost surprised that Neil wasn’t condemning him for it, and instead wanting some too. Maybe they could indeed have a good night. “I thought I told you to shut up,” he answered while sitting on the couch, remote control already in hand so he could unpause the film. “There are two bags in the cupboard, the closed one is mine.” 

I’d tear the world down if it meant keeping you safe { 01 }

[themxnstr]

nvthng:

                                           neil placed himself in the opposite corner of the room, even though ensuring that type of distance hadn’t been a necessity to either of them in a while. his own anger felt used up and too tender for him to try and touch again, but andrew’s face was still a welcome sight. being under the scrutinity of those eyes was like cooling a burnt spot with iced water, and somewhere along the way neil had learnt to let that comfort him, the same way he’d learnt other similar things: honesty was a practiced habit and it could be acquired despite one’s resistance, andrew’s sweet tooth was an indestructible force, cats were prone to wander into rooms at the wrong time, and the same person or god who had made andrew had made him from the same dirt. he never wanted to be neil so much as he did when andrew was watching, and andrew was always watching; he didn’t know why he still hadn’t managed to slip into neil’s mind and stay put.

                                           bracing himself for impact, neil lifted the hem of his sweater to expose the bruise on his side, about twenty centimeters of ugly blue fading at the edges. he thought it might’ve been a kick, but aside from the ache in his ribs the feeling was mostly superficial, so if he had to he’d bet on a mean elbow. that kind of math was still too familiar; making account of what he’d have to stitch up and what would be sufficiently fine overnight.  ❛  —— my left arm is going take a while to heal, but nothing’s broken. i checked.  ❜  a pause, which he allowed himself after a second of stubbornness.  ❛  —— a split knuckle. no cuts, no concussion.  ❜ 

                                           his stance changed, composing a shift so small anyone other than possibly andrew would have been able to notice. ❛  —— i’m sorry,  ❜  it was a dangerous thing to say, because it tended to have the opposite effect on andrew than it did on most people, and neil knew it didn’t really serve for anything. it was a symbolic act, and it contained more words than he’d said all night. i chose you, i’m sorry. neil’s eyes had gotten better at holding things. i promise i don’t need his ghost.  ❛  —— you don’t have to do anything about this.  ❜

The face staring back at him was unmistakebly Neil’s, Nathaniel was gone, Nathaniel was left behind in Baltimore. Andrew would not let Nathaniel resurface ever again. He carefully examined the bruises on his side, and when he was sure he’d heal easily, his eyes darted back to those piercing blue eyes that frequently haunted his dreams. Even if he still looked like the butcher, the scars and the expression he wore were Neil’s, and only Neil’s. Satisfied with what he heard from the striker, who had been hurt enough times to know what was a bad injury and what wasn’t, Andrew decided to trust him with this and didn’t inspect him any closer. “You’re not going to practice tomorrow,” was his answer, Neil needed to heal fast, and getting checked against walls and trying to throw balls into goals would only make him worse. Andrew did not need Neil with more injuries than he already had. 

Andrew gave Neil a last onceover and turned towards the fridge, examining its contents while hearing what else Neil was still saying to him. “Shut up.” they both knew apologies meant nothing, at least not to Andrew, they were just stupid words thrown around, and it wasn’t like Neil actually had anything to be sorry for. If Neil really felt guilty about something, if he needed to apologize to someone, that someone was himself. He knew what he meant by it, though, but didn’t need it. Andrew knew Nathaniel was gone, Neil was home, Neil stayed, that was enough. 

“I need to do something about dinner. But I don’t feel like cooking and you can’t cook for shit. Call the chinese place, or don’t, we have marshmallows. It’s your choice,” Andrew said before making his way to the couch, he still had a few more minutes of the documentary to watch and he knew Neil would soon be on his heels. He was obviously ignoring the last words that came out of Neil’s mouth, he had nothing to say about that, and they both knew that if ever something needed to be done, Andrew would do it. Corey had one chance now, and if he threw that away, he would feel a wrath upon him unlike any he’d ever seen before. 

I’d tear the world down if it meant keeping you safe { 01 }

[themxnstr]

nvthng:

                                            neil fought back the tired, nearly unconscious drive to lay his palms over andrew’s fists and hold until they turned back from weapons to hands. andrew’s eyes held a hundred and five gruesome fates, tailored especially for corey by a mind that had never unlearnt how to be vicious. corey had a buzzcut, mouthfuls of gratuitous opinions and a sense of self protection so damaged it rivaled his own. he’d been baring his teeth at neil for months— snide comments about the foxes one day, poorly concealed disgust for andrew and their relationship on another. it’d been only a matter of time before that controlled façade cracked. neil had dealt with hostility before, the panthers were not the first team to house someone so visibly thirsty for the pump of fame fiery headlines could provide. he’d never grabbed them by the throat and punched them into unconsciousness, though. not until tonight.

                                            ❛  —— he has four broken ribs. i slashed his face with my nails.  ❜  neil didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, but he hated the way it came out. it could be a warning, an unspoken ‘don’t kill him’ issued by habit that in the end would hold little to no impact in andrew’s final decision. it could be an ‘i was nathaniel today. i’d forgotten how it felt’, and considering that possibility felt cyclical, like coming back to somebody’s graveyard spot over and over after their body had been moved. there were only fragments of nathaniel left to be cursed, and neil feared that if left untended those fragments could become sharp enough to puncture through the new layer of skin he’d spent years carefully building to make his own body a safe place to inhabit. something external had brought them to surface tonight, and somehow he still felt that by giving in he’d betrayed himself. he kept a hand over his bruised rib and forced himself to move, following andrew’s footsteps with his own silent trudging.  ❛  —— no? i don’t know. i don’t want it to.  ❜

The tension in Andrew’s muscles screamed in a thousand different tongues when he heard what he had done to Corey, for a second he didn’t care, because for a second he knew that was something he could leave for later, what he needed to know was if Neil’s face was the only thing that had been damaged. But verbal assurance from Neil wouldn’t do him any good, he needed to see if he was okay, yet before he could ask, Neil’s words finally hit him. The realization of what they meant was slow at first, and it wasn’t the words exactly that got to him, but they way he said them. Nevertheless, soon enough Andrew’s dissipating rage retreated, causing his blood to boil once more. His anger wasn’t directed at Neil, no, in that moment the one thing he hated more than Corey was the people who turned Nathaniel into what Neil hid deep within himself. Andrew was the only one in that house supposed to be capable of cruelty. The fact that was he could do to Corey was worse than what Neil actually did didn’t help much, but it was something to think about. Nathaniel may have resurfaced for a second when Andrew wasn’t around, but within those walls it was only Neil, Neil, Neil, Neil. Nathaniel was dead, no matter what had or hadn’t happened at practice. Usually those reassurances were left for Neil when he had a panic attack, but Andrew needed Neil echoing in his mind until he himself was absolutely sure the butcher’s son was gone for good. 

Andrew didn’t answer, now he had a reason to go to practice even if he didn’t really need to. He wouldn’t let it happen again, and if Corey had even an ounce of self-preservation in his body he wouldn’t dare get close to them again. Andrew would have to be right at Neil’s back until he knew Corey wouldn’t make the same mistake twice, or else he would have to learn a hard lesson the hard way. The thought of quitting exy had been on Andrew’s mind that morning, but now he’d have to rethink it, not trusting enough to leave Neil alone with any team. This lack of trust went in every direction, he didn’t trust Neil to not get himself into trouble, and he didn’t trust anyone around them, knowing all too well how there was always a bigot with a chip on their shoulder who would love to pick a fight with them. Sometimes it seemed like either most people didn’t care much about their own well being, or they simply, stupidly and erroneously, underestimated Andrew Minyard. 

He finally put all those thoughts aside and put the marshmallows in the cupboard, leaning against the sink when he finished. Andrew’s hazel eyes were now fixed on Neil, taking him in like he hadn’t just seen him, trying to look at him with new, calmer eyes. “Where else are you hurt?” he needed to know now, now it was time to care about his injuries and take care of them if needed, dinner and other necessities could be left for later. 

I’d tear the world down if it meant keeping you safe { 01 }

[themxnstr]

nvthng:

                         neil gritted his teeth and allowed andrew the examination. the inside of his mouth tasted like the blood he spit into the locker room sink and his gums felt raw, as if they’d never stop reminiscing on the fist that had collided with his front teeth half an hour ago. ❛  —— news?  ❜  he fired back, bright blue eyes stubbornly glued to the wall behind andrew’s shoulder. it didn’t sound like a question. corey had done a number on his face, but his pride hadn’t budged— his pride knew andrew minyard; it was used to being challenged. the comparison made neil scold himself, and he pushed through the motion of meeting andrew’s eyes like ripping off a band-aid: abruptly, before his nerve had the chance to dissipate.

                         true to his essence, neil managed to stay silent for nearly a minute. andrew’s grip on his face was rough and still the softest thing he’d felt that night. he felt himself sag almost imperceptibly, letting the humidity of his shower seep through the back of his grey sweater, pressed tight to the door. somewhere outside the building the brakes of a car screeched, and inside, the clock on the wall kept ticking. finally, because he wasn’t really stupid:  ❛  —— corey.  ❜  it came out dull, and the sole effort of spitting it took another chunk off neil’s energy. the words i’m fine danced on his tongue in a compulsive, self destructive urge. he swallowed them.

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes when Neil opened his mouth again, just staring at him instead, and after getting a good look at his face, Andrew let Neil go and took a step back, too angry to stay so close to Neil. His eyes slowly but surely made his way across his body, trying to see if he’d been injured anywhere else, but he was mostly covered and if Neil sported any other bruises, he gave no obvious sign of that. When he heard who was responsible, Andrew’s fists immediately clenched at his side, the only visible expression of his rage. Andrew imagined what it’d be to take Corey apart, that bastard had always gotten on his nerves, but he’d never, not up until that point at least, done anything to completely harness Andrew’s unbridled hatred. His arms were uncovered, and h hadn’t carried his knives around in years, but in that moment he felt the itch of the blade against his skin, like they were there, begging to be used against anyone who as much dared to look at Neil sideways.

“Remind me to never let you go to practice alone again,” he said after a few silent seconds, that could’ve been minutes, but keeping time, when they were safe in their apartment, was much of a priority anymore. Finally, tired of just staring Neil down, Andrew made his way to the kitchen to clean up, “By the way, is this going to be a reoccurring thing?” Andrew didn’t ask what made Corey punch Neil, leaving it up to him if he’d say so or not. He sure as hell wanted to know if Neil had been able to get back at him, but he’d be at practice tomorrow, and seeing was better than hearing.  

I’d tear the world down if it meant keeping you safe { 01 }

[themxnstr]

nvthng:

                                              for the first time in a long while, neil felt fresh bruises instead of the phantom weight of old ones. they were under his left eye, on the first three of his ribs and all over the backs of his hands, peppering his knuckles like a mean kiss. it was comfortable in a way that made him itch because of how much it shouldn’t be anymore. not when he had a full set of personality traits and a fixed name, not after luck had allowed him to become neil josten and stay neil josten. by pushing himself through the door, neil knew he was signing up for the fierceness of andrew’s interrogation and possibly a couple more bruises for his impulsiveness. he forced himself to do it anyway. it wasn’t that his body didn’t protest; it did, by sending anxious shudders to each of his most instinctual fibers and twisting his nerves into knots, alarm bells all blasting with the familiar urge of disappearing. it was that he chose not to, and it was what that choice meant.

                                             relieving himself of the weight of his duffel bag, he chanced a look at andrew and a wave of tension left his body in a quiet, pliant sigh. he looked ridiculous, and neil’s self preservation was too smashed to kick in and actively preserve him. ❛  —— you’re a toddler.  ❜  he murmured around a smile, voice laced with equal measures of fondess and exhaustion.

Andrew wasn’t expecting Neil to come home with his face a mess of purplish tones and green and blue, all the ugly colors that shouldn’t stain him anymore. It didn’t come as surprise, of course, Neil Josten’s big mouth often got him into more trouble than not, Andrew didn’t even try to guess what happened. During the day his thoughts would sometimes drift to Neil, practicing by himself without Andrew there to have his back. He had made a promise to let Neil go, but it was hard not thinking about taking it back when he saw what happened to the striker when he wasn’t around. If Andrew had been there maybe he wouldn’t have gotten hurt, maybe he wouldn’t have come home looking like a walking disaster. It was truly tiring.

The words that came out of Neil’s mouth were promptly ignored, because as soon as Andrew got a glimpse of his face, he strode over to him, almost too fast. He was in front of him, cornering Neil against the door, in a split second, eyes trailing over the damage done to him, inspecting with his always-present cold harshness. “And you’re stupid,” he eventually answered with a chilled tone that carried a strong hint of rage, raising his hand to hover over Neil’s new bruises. “Who did this?” it was more a demand than a question, a need to know, and he said the words as he turned Neil’s face around, no softness in his touch. He swore he would destroy whoever did this, whoever touched him.  

I’d tear the world down if it meant keeping you safe { 01 }

[themxnstr]

I’d tear the world down if it meant keeping you safe { 01 }

@nvthng

Since they had a few free weeks until the games began, and they weren’t really obligated to practice until the more rigorous practices started, Andrew decided he would just stay home. Of course, Neil usually tried to make him come with, and usually he did, but on that particular day Andrew just couldn’t be bothered enough to get out of bed early and go to court. So he spent his day alone with the cats, mostly watching true crime documentaries, and cleaning the house when he got bored of that. Shortly before Neil was to come home, he went down to the corner market, since the only sugary thing they had in the cupboards was actual sugar and he was craving something stupidly sweet. Andrew came home with two bags of marshmallows and a dozen other candy bars and chocolate that he would have to hide before Neil could throw them away. 

When he heard the front door being unlocked, signalling that Neil was home, Andrew was halfway done with one of the bags and had a few marshmallows inside his mouth. He knew he looked stupid, but if Neil decided to comment, he’d rip him apart. 

[themxnstr]

THESIS you are not a hero.  monsters do not deserve that title. ONE: A BRIEF HISTORY you used to be something bright, something hopeful. but that was before you had everything you held close and thought was safe ripped away from you and torn to shreds and the pieces thrown back in your face. because when does the universe not mock little boys who hope? so you’re not a very whole boy.  you’re not a very holy boy. you don’t pray or beg or hope for things.  you just let the world spin on its axis and whatever happens, happens.  you don’t let yourself care. you learned to just strike a match, and let the world burn. TWO: TO DEFINE A HERO let’s take a look at gold.  gold is pure.  it doesn’t tarnish, doesn’t rust away to bone.  it gets sculpted into something beautiful and strong, and then it holds true. heroes are born from gold, and then they hold true. THREE: TO DEFINE A MONSTER how about we put it like this: if you’re a hero, then you’re made of gold. if you’re a monster, then you’re not made of gold. if you’re not made of gold, then you’re not a hero. therefore, monsters cannot be heroes. now let’s say that’s valid, let’s say that holds sound. so if monsters cannot be heroes, cannot be made of gold, what are they, then? monsters are something more molten, something more susceptible to rust. they’re impure, the edges of a shadow. not the middle, of course, not the darkest part, that’s more something like demons, something that never had the chance to be good and right. but monsters, monsters are close enough to the light to touch, and they refuse it. monsters make the choice to be monsters. you make the choice to be you. FOUR: A SERIES OF INCIDENTS now to clarify how you fit that mold, how it is that you are, definitively, a monster. you did not have to kill her, but you did. you did not have to push them to the edge of their lives, but you did. you did not have to leave him hanging, but you did. you did not have to let him think you could actually help him, but you did. these are choices you’ve made.  these are things you have done. on purpose. these are lives you have ruined. on purpose. FIVE: SOME FINAL THOUGHTS because, see, here’s the thing, you didn’t have to do this. you really, really didn’t. but instead you have blood on your hands and a hole in your chest, and you let it all happen, made it all happen. so what if you may have saved some of their lives? you broke more of them into pieces. you broke yourself into pieces. TO CONCLUDE you are a monster.  you failed to be a hero.

the tyrant // es (via reynclds07)

[themxnstr]

Time was nothing. Seconds were days, were years, were the breaths that caught between their mouths and the bite of Neil’s fingernails against his palms, the scrape of teeth against his lower lip and the warm slide of a tongue against his. He could feel Andrew’s heartbeat thrumming against his wrists, a staccato rhythm that echoed in Neil’s veins. How a man who viewed the world with such studied disconnect could kiss like this, Neil didn’t know, but he wasn’t going to complain.

[themxnstr]

yo

[themxnstr]

Andrew held his life in less regard than anything else. Neil hated that with a ferocity that was nauseating.