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[theoreticslut]

It’s been forever since I’ve been on here so I doubt anyone’s out there still but I just need to say this and I can’t say it anywhere else so skip this if you want idc I just need it out of my head & off my chest;

If any of you have been here you might have seen a few posts talking about this girl I like? Well, we were dating. We broke up about three weeks ago and im not doing that great. Especially not rn. I’ve been trying to be okay. I’ve been trying so hard and I’m just not. If it looks like I am it’s only bc I’m pushing it away and ignoring it but I can’t ignore it rn & it hurts so fucking bad. I miss her so much and I just wanna talk to her but I can’t and it sucks. We were going to try to be friends but I fucked it up bc idk when to stop and I hate it. I hate it so much but I can’t hate her. I hate myself honestly when ik I don’t deserve it. I didn’t do anything wrong but I feel like I did and I can’t get past it. I fucked up and I lost her which I’ve been terrified of from the very beginning. I love her but it didn’t work out and I’m not doing well.

[theoreticslut]

[theoreticslut]

When Mike Wheeler, red faced and still faintly tear stained, asks him how he knew he liked both Steve doesn’t know how to tell him it was his sister.

Before Nancy Wheeler it had only been boys. Before Nancy Wheeler Steve had been sure he was gay and knew well enough to keep it to himself; dating around enough to earn himself a protective reputation. Before Nancy Wheeler there’d been Marcus Summers, from the baseball team, during freshman year. Steve had gone to every game, and had been forced to make up excuses about schoolwork and his other commitments when asked why he hadn’t tried out for himself. Before Nancy Wheeler there’d been Tommy Hagan. The summer between seventh and eighth grade had been very kind to Tommy, he was sunkissed and boy next door sweet, Steve had wanted to hold his hand and count the freckles across the bridge of his nose. 

Before Nancy Wheeler there’d been his first love, a boy who only visited one summer, the year Steve turned ten. His name had changed every time they hung out but he’d favored E’s. Eli, Emmett, Elliott, Eric, Excalibur, Excelsior, and once for about an hour Wayne. His hair brushed his chin in pretty brown curls and his big brown eyes were always bright with excitement. He always got storm off mad when any of the other boys they’d played with that summer said he was acting like a girl, E would run off to the woods and Steve would always follow. E always came up with the best games anyway, he didn’t like playing soccer or HORSE or anything else with rules that couldn’t be bent; he preferred imagination games where they were knights or wizards. He didn’t laugh when Steve said he always liked playing house, but never wanted to be the dad because why would he want to be someone who never wanted to spend any time with his kids. E who, while insisting on being called Samwise all day, was his first kiss.

Cause he knows what Mike wants to hear. He’s seen the way Mike and Will have danced around each other since the last portal closed. He’s heard the things Mike has said to and about Will. He’s heard all about the week that Will was in the Upside Down. He’s heard all about the summer of ‘85. He’s heard all about the final off again that seems to officially mark the end of Mike and El romantically. He knows that Mike wants him to say that he’d never even thought about boys before he met Eddie. That there’s just something special about Eddie that makes him want to give up his lady killing ways. That Eddie was different. That it was okay that he was having these scary new thoughts, maybe Will was just an exception.

And Steve doesn’t know how to have that conversation. When he realized he liked both it was a relief, that maybe he could have something normal and wouldn't have to spend his life lying or hiding. 

But Eddie was different. Eddie was special. Eddie was probably it for Steve which is scary in a different way that he’s not ready to touch yet -- not when it’s only been three months.

There’s never been another girl since Nancy Wheeler, not really

There will never be another boy after Eddie Munson.

So he tries to help, as best he can. It’s easier with Eddie there, not quite dozing against his shoulder -- the kid’s emergencies always seem to come so late at night these days. “When I was ten, there was a boy whose name kept changing who decided prince charming should get to kiss his faithful knight. And when I was sixteen, your sister-”

Mike’s goodwill diminishes quickly as his sister gets introduced to the conversation.

“Stevie,” Eddie says. It’s not an admonishment for bringing up Nancy. It’s awestruck and watery. “You remember that?”

“Of course I remember the first boy I ever loved," that word catches up with him a second later. Remember. 

Cause there's Eddie with his riot of brown curls and his Bambi eyes. Eddie, who has explained why soft feminine words chafe against his skin leaving him itchy and anxious. Eddie, who has an Uncle in Hawkins. Eddie who moved to town the summer before he entered high school with a buzzed head and his mother's last name. Eddie who finally settled into an E he liked best.

"Wheeler, here's a tip from me to you," Eddie says, his advice is always better received than Steve's anyway, "if you have to ask you probably already know."

"Straight people don't really spend much time wondering if they aren't really straight," Steve agrees.

They don't rush Mike out the door, a crisis is a crisis and even in the wake of new discoveries Mike deserves to be heard out. Deserves a chance to cry and rage and feel those emotions someplace safe from his Reaganite father -- just as much as Will deserves to have someone who knows what they want come to him, deserves better than experimentation.

They cross the bridge from late into early by the time Mike sets off. The sun is creeping up over the horizon and Mike looks solid, certain; the dawn hints at the man he is growing up to be. Though every instinct of Steve's begs him to drive the kid home, Eddie's soft hand lingering at his hip holds him fast. They wave instead, encouraging Mike to go home and to bed before he does anything; knowing his front bike tire is already pointed toward the Byers-Hopper place.

"The first boy you ever loved, huh, Stevie?" Eddie teases before the door has even managed to click shut.

"And the last, I'm hoping, if I play my cards right."

"You were always pretty good at that. You were the only person that summer who called me by my name, except Wayne."

"It was your name." He knows that's too simple. Knows how hard Eddie has had it, continues to have it. But that summer it had been that simple, Eddie trying on names like shirts each one fitting until they didn't. "For what it's worth, I like Eddie a lot more than Excalibur."

"Oh fuck off, I was going through a fantasy knight phase. Which I know you remember."

"Right a phase, and how much longer is this fantasy 'phase' going to last?"

They're the kind of tired that makes you feel drunk, when Eddie tackles Steve and sends them both to the floor and to giggles. Eddie might not have been his bi awakening, but Steve is pretty fine with him being his everything else.

[theoreticslut]

Adding onto the whole deaf!Steve Harrington thing. He's been staying with Eddie and Wayne more often than not since he began to date Eddie. He had been completely surprised when Eddie had learned sign language for him, but it had thrown him off kilter when he woke up one morning, and Wayne started signing to him. When Steve asked him why, Wayne only signed in response:

You are my boy as much as Eddie is mine, son.

It couldn't be helped when Steve burst into tears, nor when Wayne pulled him into a tight hug.

[theoreticslut]

i’ve stopped being mentally ill in the unhappy and always in a crisis way, I am now mentally ill in the mostly stable and happy but there’s clearly something weird going on way

[theoreticslut]

I love this so much 😭💗

steve doesn't let people see him cry, especially not when he can't explain why he's crying.

he's invited everyone over for dinner, and they don't know it's to celebrate a birthday that he doesn't remember the date of. he knows they don't care that the dessert didn't turn out, probably didn't expect anything but snacks, and he has muffins to replace it. but steve didn't fall asleep until after 4am, too worked up about the dessert he has decided to not tell anyone about. and sleeping didn't make the feelings go away. and everyone got so loud, and he felt excluded from their conversations, and he had to leave the table to hide in the bathroom.

and steve had cried, tried not to breathe too loud, washed his face, and gone back to join them, a smile forced on his lips.

he didn't get to sit down before someone had asked for a refill, so steve had turned around to go to the kitchen, let the room stay dark since it was supposed to be a quick trip. but as he turned to open the fridge, eddie was suddenly there, next to him.

steve freezes like a deer in headlights.

"you okay? i called your name." eddie doesn't look concerned but steve's eyes stay wide, blinking, and suddenly new tears fall and eddie's expression turns to a confused frown.

"steve?" his gaze softens and he takes steve's hand in an offer of comfort. "let's sit down, yeah?"

"i had just managed to stop crying," steve complains. "and then you come out of nowhere and scare me and i don't fucking know why i'm crying to begin with."

he still lets eddie lead him to sit behind the kitchen island, hidden from view in case anyone comes looking.

"hey, everyone needs a good cry sometimes. and you look tired."

"mm. couldn't sleep until, like, 4." steve looks into the darkness of the kitchen, unable to face eddie while clinging to his hand.

"that's not good, sweetheart." eddie doesn't ask why, but probably assumes nightmares and not the anxiety that steve thought he had gotten better at managing.

he had been doing so good. and now he's crying, for a second time, and in front of eddie. when he doesn't let people see him cry.

but eddie just waits for him to be ready to talk, continues to hold his hand, doesn't judge him or make any jokes. steve thinks he might love him.

it's not a new thought.

"it's my birthday. or was. or will be. i don't know the date."

"that's fucking sad, steve." eddie moves to sit closer, not letting go of his hand. "you should have told us. henderson would have gotten you a gift."

steve manages something akin to a laugh. "and you wouldn't?"

"i am the gift," eddie jokes. "i'll give you the munson special."

"yeah? and what's that?"

"got you to smile, didn't i? greatest gift there is." eddie's words are soft, spoken only for the two of them. he reaches out with his free hand to wipe steve's tears away.

"happy maybe birthday, big boy."

steve doesn't kiss him, but he leans his head on eddie's shoulder, interweave their fingers.

"thanks for the gift."

eddie just smiles, and bends down to kiss his forehead.

maybe letting someone see him cry isn't the end-all steve thought it would be.

[theoreticslut]

Eddie learns he's Steve's boyfriend because Wayne just kind of... knows.

He'll be sitting at the table with Wayne and Steve, casually having a panic attack because oh my God Steve's leg is touching mine I know we've had sex on the regular but his leg is touching my leg what I wouldn't give to be more than just a booty call oh my God my arm just brushed his arm is he going to figure out I like him what do I do what do I do just play it cool Eddie play it cool

And then Wayne looks up and says, "Eddie, how come I gotta hear that you aced your math test from your boyfriend?" and Eddie promptly tips his chair backwards and faceplants on the floor.

It turns out they'd been dating for two months.

Eddie learns this while Steve holds an ice pack to his face, Wayne shaking his head in the background.

"You know," Steve says, "your uncle warned me when I talked to him about dating you. Said I needed to invest in a good first aid kit."

"How very insightful of him," Eddie rasps. "He forgot to mention that little tidbit to me."

"Ain't my fault you don't know who you're dating," Wayne mumbles, and goes to the fridge to grab a beer.

[theoreticslut]

i respect someone who is vocal. Tell me why ur into me. Tell me why i pissed you off & tell me how i can fix it. Tell me everything. Talk.

[theoreticslut]

Eddie’s rings leaving indents on your thighs while he eats you out :( he has to hold your legs open because you’re so sensitive from already having several orgasms. the cold metal on his fingers trailing up and down your legs to tease you while recovering from your climax just before he smirks and yanks your legs apart again. “c’mon baby, you’ve got a couple more in ya. i’ll do all the work, you just lay there and look pretty for me ‘kay?” :(

[theoreticslut]

Just twirling my hair and thinking about Steve & Chrissy’s dynamic if she would have lived. Like she would have been Eddie’s platonic soulmate but her and Steve would be such jocks together.

- Steve helping Chrissy with her relationship with food by cooking her home cooked meals & then going on jogs together without any pressure on making it about losing weight

-Chrissy actually being able to keep up with him in the water & days at the lake of them racing one another

- Steve spotting her when she practices her tumbles

And then Halloween rolls around. Eddie and Robin show up to Steve’s dressed in matching costumes. They’ve firmly landed on the ‘silly’ side of the holiday dressed as Tom and Jerry using fur coats they thrifted along with big cartoonish animal ears. Chrissy comes out of Steve’s bathroom in an oversized basketball getup with Harrington printed on the back. It takes a few seconds for Eddie to catch on but when Steve calls out from the bathroom-

“Chrissy did I leave the pom-poms out there?”

Eddies just- he just. He looks at Robin with wide eyes. “Help. Me.”

[theoreticslut]

i like that clingy shit . be ALL over me.

[theoreticslut]

[theoreticslut]

Allistic people really need to stop phrasing requests as questions because it's fucking with me

"Do you want to help me cook dinner?"

No, I'm still overwhelmed from earlier and want to stay in my room.

"well fine, dinner will be ready when it's done." And now they're upset with me

And I'm just here like ???????

[theoreticslut]

[theoreticslut]

i call my parents and say ‘yeah i can’t do family stuff tonight, i got too much stuff to do for school’ and i e-mail my professor and say ‘i can’t do my assignments tonight, work got crazy’ and i text my boss and say ‘sorry i can’t work late tonight, i gotta some family stuff’ and through this triangulation of deceitful excuses i at last will be free

[theoreticslut]

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remember, you're on tumblr. do as the tumblrians do

[theoreticslut]

Eddie’s energy reminds me of squirrels on college campuses. specifically the ones that chaotically run into traffic and still live.