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[theos-epitelesei]

So it turns out my new anti-anxiety meds were making me more depressed and things are still not great but at least they’re not as bad as they were last Wednesday.

[theos-epitelesei]

inexplicable rage

lately the predominant feeling I’ve been having is just sudden, inexplicable rage. Which is probably not healthy and probably related to the fact that I rarely read my bible anymore or journal or really take the time to pray at all.

don’t feel too great about that, honestly. I keep meaning to, and then the morning gets away from me and the cares of the day take over and suddenly I’m mad at 8 year olds and my cat for no reason other than they exist and don’t do what I want them to do.

so it’s probably good I’m not God.

it’s a good thing God is infinitely more patient than I’ve been lately.

and the thing is that it just… keeps not happening. and then I keep feeling like crap about it and I keep getting mad for no reason and today I just really hated my job.

I don’t enjoy my class this year. they are the most apathetic kids I’ve ever taught and it baffles me how anyone can just not care to understand anything. they don’t know things and they don’t care that they don’t, but they also get frustrated when they can’t do something. Every once in a while there’s a spark of interest and then they go off and do the exact opposite of what I just explained, and modeled, and practiced with them, and walked them through. And then they’re SHOCKED that it’s wrong.

and then there’s my freaking cat who literally just chooses chaos and terrorism at all times, and my husband’s cat is probably literally dying of stress because of my tiny terrorist furball.

I just would like everything to stop for a couple days. And even as I’m typing this I know it’s also because I’m hormonal and it’ll be fine again in a day or two but I just. Want. It. To. Stop.

I want technology at school to work when I need it to. I want my kids to stop doing whatever the hell they want and then acting surprised when I get pissed off. I want my cat to not choose violence, just for one night, because I hate that I’m getting so pissed off about it.

I hate that my hormones make my meds just stop working for some indeterminate amount of time each month. Like oh hey, your depression, adhd, and anxiety all get worse on your period? Good news, your meds will ALSO stop working! Isn’t that neat?

Mostly I wanna stomp my feet and scream and cuss and punch things but I don’t think that would actually help anything. Because then I just feel guilty and ashamed of having a temper tantrum and cussing and being violent towards pillows. Unfortunately I’ve already rage cleaned twice this week so there’s not much left that I have the energy to clean.

anyway. I’m tired and cranky and frustrated and don’t want to go to work tomorrow but I have to because we were supposed to start state testing today but the iPads decided to just not, so I spent the rest of the day scrambling because brain doesn’t do flexible during my period apparently.

[theos-epitelesei]

hey tumblr, I don’t need all these random posts on my feed k thx.

Does anyone on any social media actually like “recommended for you” type home-feed incursions? Just show me the stuff I actually signed up to see from people I know.

[theos-epitelesei]

you might have adhd if

you’ve ever sat down in a chair and thought, “I’d rather be on the floor.”

[theos-epitelesei]

don’t judge me, but I’m 100% sticking to the 5 second rule for the half of my bagel that just hit the floor.

I’m tired and I don’t care.

[theos-epitelesei]

My cat died unexpectedly on Monday night. He lost the use of his back legs suddenly, after being completely fine all day and getting a clean bill of health from the vet just last Friday. We went to the emergency vet, who told us it was a blood clot called a saddle thrombus, probably caused by heart disease, and that euthanasia was the best option.

We researched it a little while we waited, and while there are some treatment options, only 50% survive treatment, and very few of those last very long afterward. Most end up dying within a year.

It was horrible and devastating and I want this whole week to just be a terrible nightmare that I can wake up from.

He was only 3. And I miss him so, so much. I come home and even though we still have our other cat, the house feels empty without him. I know he’s gone and yet I keep looking for him to come around the corner, jump up on my lap, and start purring.

And I know we made the right decision to end his pain; his heart was failing and he was oxygen dependent within an hour. I know it wasn’t our fault or anything we could have seen coming or prevented. I know it won’t be this painful forever. I know that hospitalizing him would have been terrifying and stressful for him, expensive for us, and wouldn’t have guaranteed his survival.

But right now it’s still so fresh, and I feel guilty that we let him go, guilty that I didn’t bring him home after, guilty that I couldn’t hold him while he went, guilty that I couldn’t even look at him afterward. I’m devastated that there was absolutely nothing we could do.

I just want my baby kitty back. I want him to just appear like nothing happened, to curl up next to me and mash his face against me because he decided that smashing his mouth against my face is how we show affection.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair.

I wish we’d brought him home, but in the moment I was so distraught that I just couldn’t. I hate that I could barely say goodbye, that I couldn’t hold him and kiss his head and tell him I love him. I hate that he was in so much pain that even as I was saying goodbye he was just crying in pain.

And I hate that it hurts this fucking much. I want to be ok, I want to not be a sobbing mess, I want my cat back.

[theos-epitelesei]

The honeymoon stage of the school year keeps getting shorter and I’m not enjoying it.

Today was day 2 and the honeymoon is pretty much already over. 🥲

[theos-epitelesei]

My new teacher niche is putting parents of ADHD children at ease. Last year it was disclosing to a parent that I have ADHD.

This year it was being aware of a student’s 504 plan and actually knowing what was in it.

It’s weirdly specific but I’m ok with that. Kids with ADHD get way too much negative crap from teachers and it’s not ok.

[theos-epitelesei]

Excuse me while I freak out because I only just found out my two favorite people I’ve never met have been dating for almost a whole freaking year.

this is what I get for not checking tumblr ever. It’s fine.

[theos-epitelesei]

Today’s my birthday

I’m 32.

And I’m realizing that I simultaneously hate big parties but also hate doing nothing big for my birthday, so I’m just sad and have no one to blame but myself.

My husband and I also have different ideas about what constitutes a present, so his plan was for us to go to a fancy restaurant and that’s my gift, so he didn’t get me anything else, which… I understand. Plus we’re getting new gutters so that’s a lot of money and also incredibly stressful because they didn’t do what I thought they were doing and now it’s just a disaster.

So ya know. Happy birthday to me I guess.

[theos-epitelesei]

One of these days I will change jobs and not panic/stress/worry about it the entire time I’m in the transition stages, when I’m just applying and not hearing back and waiting on other people to get their stuff together. 

Because I’ve changed jobs enough times now that I know that God has a plan, and I know He’ll be faithful to provide the right job at the right time, and that He’s not withholding good from me, but waiting to provide the best good for me.

I know all that. And I’ve seen it over, and over, and over again. Every job I’ve had has been the right job for that season of life. Even the ones that I kind of hated, or that sucked in the moment, or that didn’t pay as well as I would have liked.

And yet I’ve spent the last month desperately trying (and failing) to not panic, to not worry, to not stress about the lack of response to my applications. I’ve applied for every opening in my current district, applied and interviewed and withdrawn applications in my old district (even declined an interview; that was a new experience). It all got to be so overwhelming and discouraging this past week, and I was just pushing it all down trying to not worry, to not feel the stress. Thankfully God loves me, and the Holy Spirit pulled that all up on Sunday (which was rough but I needed to feel the Feels so I could move on), and my friends prayed for me.

Yesterday I broke down on the phone with my mom. Then I went to the library to get books for summer school, which I still need to plan because it starts next week. On the way to the library, I got an email from a principal about a job I applied for on Friday, asking to interview the same day.

Before I could reply to that email, another principal called to schedule an interview today. So in the span of an hour, I had two interviews set for two days in a row.

I had the first interview yesterday at 1:00, and after a 20 minute Zoom interview, they offered me the job. Conditional/unofficial offer since they need to check references and whatnot, but I accepted. Partly because I was caught off guard, but I also felt pretty peaceful about it. I mentioned that I had another interview today but was ok with them getting the ball rolling with HR. Since I didn’t hear from HR last night I’m still going to the second interview today. It’ll at least be good practice and maybe I’ll have some options to consider.

Anyway. God is faithful and good, and I know that and have experienced it over and over, but it would be great if my feelings would get on board with that knowledge at some point because holy crap this summer has been exhausting and stressful. (Also relaxing, because I was able to actually relax and just enjoy the first half of my summer break, so that was good.)

[theos-epitelesei]

I had an interview on Monday that went really well. If nothing else it was nice to interview with a principal who apparently finds me very impressive and assumes everyone else does too, because that was a major confidence boost.

She also knows my current principal, and evidently called him immediately after my interview, which I’m taking as a good sign.

I’ll accept the job if it’s offered, but I’m also just really devastated that I didn’t get the job I wanted at my current school. The principal, AP, and new principal for next year all told me they have no idea what happened, because they were all set to move forward with hiring me and then... ???

It’s baffling that no one knows what happened or why it fell through. I’m heartbroken. The other aides are mad on my behalf, which was really comforting. Everyone is equally perplexed.

And since I haven’t had any more luck with interviews in this district, I applied back in my old district. The nice thing is that I’d get to teach the curriculum I want and actually get weekly professional development. It just sucks to leave this school because I really love the staff culture here and I got to know so many of the kids.

[theos-epitelesei]

I had an HR interview for a teaching job at my school next year, and I’m waiting to hear back because she had to check my references. 

Waiting sucks. I need to work on other stuff and I’m trying to distract myself because I’m 100% aware that staring anxiously at my phone will not make it ring, but RING, DANG IT.

I feel like it’s a pretty sure thing, but the longer I wait the more I panic that I didn’t get the job. And also I’m being 110% overdramatic because it’s only been a day and a half since my interview.

Anyway, pray that I get this job because I need to get back into the classroom and I really don’t want to keep applying/waiting/hoping to interview for jobs all summer.

[theos-epitelesei]

Mostly I’m feeling a little bit patronized. I absolutely believe my boss has good intentions, and I’m not upset about his conclusion that his new school wouldn’t be a good fit for me. I was on the fence about applying there anyway; I don’t know that I want him as my admin again, and I wasn’t sold on the school he’s moving to because of location/demographics. So it’s not that.

I feel patronized by the implication that he feels like he needs to protect me from certain jobs. Like... I’m an adult. I’m a fully qualified professional who can make thoughtful decisions about where to apply. So I’m just wishing that my bosses would see me as the capable adult I feel like I am, and wishing I could project that more clearly instead of seeming emotionally frail or unsure.

[theos-epitelesei]

rambly stuff and things

I think I’m autistic.

And I’ve had that suspicion for a while, because like... I just have weird things about social interactions and my brain and how I interact with the world, and those seem to be very different from how other people are.

I rehearse social interactions. I watch how other people act and imitate them (that’s how I learned how to be better at small talk and remembering to ask questions). I’m very literal and not understanding instructions stresses me out. I used to joke as a child that I was from Pluto.

I feel like the world is a play and everyone has the script but me.

And some of that is also ADHD, but my ADHD traits are different from what I see as autistic traits, and I do ok managing them but I’m realizing that my inner me is very different from the me I’m comfortable showing the world. And I think that’s why I’m a good teacher – I can be silly with kids, and they don’t judge me harshly for it. They think I’m weird, sure, but... it works.

So now I’m trying (again) for teaching jobs, and I’m not officially diagnosed, but I don’t know if sharing either my ADHD diagnosis or my suspected autism would help explain or just hurt my chances. I’m leaning toward the latter, which is frustrating.

My evaluation yesterday was fine and largely positive, the areas for growth weren’t anything I didn’t already know about myself, but I just keep getting this nagging feeling that I come across as more emotionally unstable than I am. My emotions show on my face. I’m getting better at regulating the intensity, but I also don’t hide them. So when I’m having an off day or week, or my depression hits harder than my meds can manage, it shows. I think I’m still effective, but maybe not as even keel as I normally am. My fuse is shorter, and I tend to be more negative about problems.

That’s normal, isn’t it? Like... everyone has off days or weeks, especially the last two years. Everyone is tired, everyone is stressed, everyone has experienced way more trauma than our bodies are meant to handle.

Ok. I’m good at my job. Kids generally respond well to me; there are always a couple who don’t like me for some reason or another, but I do my best to be fair and respectful and predictable. 

I made that mistake my first year; I had a student who really pushed all my buttons and I just could not keep my cool with him. It’s 100% on me, I’m the adult, and he was 8, but I was not the model I should have been.  I found out two years later he called me Mrs. Cockroach. And honestly, I can’t say I blame him. It haunts me and breaks my heart that I was that teacher to him, and it pushed me to be better. No child should have that experience of a teacher, and I never want to be that again.

So even when kids don’t like me, I work so hard to be the best I can in my interactions with them. I’m not perfect, but I hope I’ve gotten better at it.

Anyway, I do think I’m good at what I do and that my adhd/autism actually is part of what makes me good at it, on top of the fact that I’m just a big fat nerd who wants to know everything and then share everything I know with other people.

But I also think that the struggles of adhd/autism, especially the black and white thinking, strong sense of right/wrong, executive dysfunction, difficulties with sudden change, etc. make me appear less qualified or capable, especially on days when hormones/neurotransmitters/mood swings don’t jive well with my meds.

And then I’m constantly feeling like I have to prove myself, to show that I AM capable, I AM qualified. I have to mask more, which is exhausting, and I think ends up making it worse because I’m too tired to be normal. I worked hard to maintain my 4.0 for my Master’s. I did it. I took my ESL certification test on Friday and passed well above the average score range; I got a 195/200. And I don’t say that to brag, I just... I wish my internal experience and confidence in my abilities would be more apparent externally, but without seeming arrogant. It’s a fine line between knowledgeable and know-it-all. 

I’m processing a lot. I have to feel all the things before I can do the thing, and I don’t know what I’m feeling right now.

[theos-epitelesei]

Currently wishing for the world to go back to early-pandemic total shutdown, because at least we had the realization that everyone is struggling and needs grace to step back, process, and do what they need to do to cope with the collapse of society.

Instead we've gone back to pretending that it's somehow sustainable to continue grind/hustle culture and a 40+ hour work week and normal life chores and social lives and the things that make life enjoyable all at once, and then people are surprised when millions of people simultaneously say, "No. I'm not doing this anymore," and quit their toxic, stressful, overworked, underpaid jobs.

All I'm saying is I'm existentially exhausted because my husband and I both work full time, my house still needs cleaned, food still needs bought and cooked, my kitchen is under renovation and we're DIYing it, we still want to see friends and go to church and volunteer, and also the world is borderline ending and I can't process the stress of this dystopian nightmare while also living daily life.

[theos-epitelesei]

This is the second time I've subbed for this 5th grade teacher and both times I've had the thought that I'm finally at a school that is practicing the teaching techniques I've been learning about this year and it is so dang encouraging.

I spent 5 years at a school where doing anything new or experimental was (mostly) allowed but definitely went against the grain of the school. The teachers I worked with were generally set in what they'd always done, and the ones who were open to new things were the minority.

It's really nice to be somewhere that just feels right and like a good fit.