theothersideoftruth - Tumblr blog

[theothersideoftruth]

Then along came the French

I can’t remember the last time I felt like this. Just at peace, encompassed in warmth and love.

I feel loved. Neither of us have said it, but I can feel it.  He told me “I love how you look at me. You say a lot with your eyes” I’m thinking “I like you SO much. I adore you. I think I love you”

He’s a funny mix of characteristics that I really never expected, perhaps because some of the traits do remind me of Ryan. So I’ve taught myself to see that as a “red flag” but Ryan’s personality was never an issue. Our connection was never an issue. So theres nothing wrong with being with a person with similar traits. 

He’s sexy, that was the first spark.  He’s cheeky. He’s strong. He’s very open with his thoughts and with me, he’s open with his feelings too. He’s able to be vulnerable with me. He feels safe. He feels comfy to me. He’s so generous with me. He shows me and tells me how much he values me. And I’m happy - more than happy - to accept it all. 

Perhaps it’s because I’m finally in a place where I can accept the kindness and affection and softness and love. I couldn’t before. There was no way. And now I’m a slut for it. I wanna be around him all the time. We are just so similar in so many ways it really makes everything easier.  Uggghhhhh, obsessed. I’m obsessed.  We have matching mugs, toothbrushes at each others houses, matching PJ shorts, soon to be matching oodies, we do lego together, and cook together, we drink lots of tea and smoke lots of spliffs, we watch movies, and have big chats and we have alot of really fun, playful, sexy sex. I’m really excited to see how this goes. I hope it lasts. I really do

[theothersideoftruth]

a really sweet guy

As they all seem to start, it’s happened quickly. 

We were only talking for a few days before we met up at the park for a cute date. It ended in lots of kisses and getting a little hot.  I was smiling everywhere and all giddy.

He makes me a bit nervous. Like I’m not interesting enough for him. I just talk absolute dribble. And then feel stupid.  Anyway. We had date #2 which I thought was going super well and nicely. And we talked for hours and he was maybe physically a little distant. And then we started having a little kiss and he mentioned that it’s maybe been moving a little bit fast for him. Which is pretty understandable. And I don’t disagree.  It’s just making me feel a bit weird cos he mentioned thinking “I can’t give you what you want/need” and I really don’t know what he thinks I want or need. Like does that mean physically? Or am I emotionally being too needy? I just have no idea, because he also sends “Good morning” messages... and we talk most nights too. So I don’t know if he’s just doing that because he thinks it’s what I want or if he’s genuinely like that. 

I guess I always need someone to tell me to reign it in a little. Cos I definitely get carried away with the questions.  So if it’s just slowing it down, because we vibe then thats so okay. But if it’s slow it down because I don’t know if I like you and its moving in a direction then that makes me sad. I haven’t asked for anything.  I don’t expect anything.  I’ve just come from a casual relationship with Cam where it was all about communication and open-ness so I’m trying to keep that mind set with Sasha and not get too swept up in the romantic stuff. He just really gives off boyfriend energy. Because he’s so nice and gentle. 

Maybe I’m too much? A pretty full on energy for some people. 

Okay PROS:

-He said he’d see me next week -He didn’t want to leave this morning -He was very comfortable after the chat -He wants to give me his rug gun -He said he is happy to be my venting about work person -He tried nuggets with ketchup

CONS:

-He said it’s moving too fast -He has preconceptions of what I want -He doesn’t think he can give me “what I want” -Mixed signals

[theothersideoftruth]

another nice guy

So i’ve been talking to this guy, alot, in a short space of time - who would have guessed- classic Mary. 

We have shared a lot. I was intrigued very quickly. He messages me all day. Like all day. And I think I like that. I like having someone to talk to. I like that he asks me how I’m feeling.. It’s nice to feel like I have company.  Today we were supposed to go on a date, but he wasn’t able to so we had a video chat instead.  It started off a little weird. He was happy to argue with me, which got a little tiring for me. But I explained that. We shared a few storied but because we talk so often it wasn’t like a “getting to know you” kind of situation. We have no problem getting deep and personal either so it ended up that way.  He asked me how I was feeling and I didn’t know how to answer it. I said I needed time to think about it all. To assess the chat, and assess the pro’s and con’s. Which began an interesting conversation about my expectations and how I see things in a black or white kind of spectrum. Which doesn’t really leave alot of space for other. For things to just be-

I think it really worried him because there’s no security in that.  In my fickle brain and my indecision.  

So he’s asked me to think about it all and try and remember the positives. Not just fall back on the negative path.  So how do I feel?

I don’t know.  He’s nice. He’s smart. He has alot of time for me. He’s intriguing.  I dont feel as infatuated. But can I just say that has alot to do with Dom, my fucking dream man distracting my brain just before our video call.  But then I have Dom telling me that we create this balanced line where we can be friends and also flirt because our distance creates an unrealistic option. Which is very true. But it’s a sturdy and well created line.  Anyway, back to L.  Why do I set things up to not work? Why do I assume things wont be as good as they can be?

Because I ultimately don’t think I deserve it? I don’t understand how someone can like me that much, to tolerate me and make it work? Maybe.  But it’s sometimes like, once I think I’ve figured them out- I lose interest. There’s no more intrigue. There’s no more mystery. The challenge that is left is how to work in a relationship.  He hasn’t ticked off any of my “warning” points.  He deserves another interaction for sure.  But his question is, if there’s no point, then is there a point?

And what a good question. It’s always my question.  He wants to give it a go- because why not?

So why not? Because I’m just gonna hurt his feelings anyway.  But what if I dont? Am I ever going to be actually ready to share myself properly, and allow someone into my life and space?

[theothersideoftruth]

Have I outstayed my welcome?

So this guy who seems to be too good is making my brain question a lot. Which is mostly because I smoked some pot with him the other night and my brain essentially melted and turned him into a bad guy. Like a really bad guy.  And now I’ve managed to shake most of it off, but it feels like theres something I’m missing. Why is he so nice? Why is he so intense? Why do we get along so well? It sometimes feels like he’s only telling me what I want to hear.  Admitting defeat because he doesn’t want me to run away. 

Just found out he’s pretty fresh out of a relationship... It sounds like it wasn’t his fault, again, so he either has horrible luck with women or he isn’t telling me the whole truth.  I’m feeling really skeptical and I don’t like that.  I just want to be able to believe everything he’s telling me. 

Gonna try and pull back a little bit, just in terms of seeing him because we hung out three times in one week and I think that’s making me feel like it is moving faster than I can control.  But I still really like talking to him, and he’s happy to talk to me about all these things which I appreciate. 

Ahhhhh I guess we’ll see what happens..

[theothersideoftruth]

A welcomed change of pace

Uhhhhhhhh

So I went on a date last night with a boy from Tinder that I have been speaking to for maybe a week? Very natural banter vibe so I was very excited and nervous to meet him. 

I’ve kinda been real over the whole dating thing and haven’t had much luck so I was really hoping that I had the right picture in my brain of this guy, cos I kinda already had a crush on him. 

And it was spectacular.  He’s very kind and loving. Gentle but also tough. Country boy at heart. Loves his mums. And loves to give me compliments. He focuses on the small details. Like watching me pour water into a glass. 

We talked for hours. It felt like we had met before. I went back to his place. His animals are great. We kissed for ages. I love kisses. We had incredibly fun sex.  We even showered together. Like, on a FIRST DATE. Incredibly comfy. Incredibly soft. Im excited for more. It’s so nice to like someone who likes you back. He’s very open and already asked me on a second date :) :) :)

I have to get ready now for my first Psych appointment, which I haven’t even thought about because I’ve been so distracted by Josh. Which is pretty nice. Anyway, thanks universe and spirit guardians.  I’m pretty happy right now. 

[theothersideoftruth]

The big heart break

It’s weird.

I used to blog about all the major experiences here. And then reread them and update myself on how I’m going. But the event of all events, I guess I just couldn’t bare to put it into words so I didn’t.

28th of February 2019

The day Dad died.

Fuck. Yeah I can see why I avoided it.

I don’t even know what to write here. I don’t imagine myself forgetting what happened. So maybe I’ll just write how I’m feeling 9 months down the track. Which is weird in itself. That he’s been gone for that long already. 

I’m proud of myself I suppose. How I handled it for myself.  I was a wreck. A ball of emotions inside of a rollercoaster of emotions inside of a tornado of emotions. 

I allowed myself to feel it. As deeply as it could be felt. I told myself some of the saddest and harshest things, not to hurt myself, but to come to some realisations as soon as possible.  Things like “he’s never coming home”, “he’ll never meet his grandchildren”, “I’ll never sing with him again”. Hard to acknowledge but truths nonetheless.

Everyone else seemed to really struggle to do this.  Avoiding it even. Jack said to me on the Sunday night “the other night when you said that dad wouldn’t be a grandfather, I felt myself get really angry. Like “fuck off Mary, of course he will. Don’t be so dramatic”” and I struggled with that alot. Because I felt like I was processing and grieving at a different rate than everyone else. And it felt pretty lonely.  And I suppose if I’m being honest, right now, I’m still pretty lonely. 

I’ve been feeling really emotional again this week. Which is beyond frustrating because I’ve done a really good job at being positive and strong. Partly because the family has been relying on me to do so, in order to help them move forward too. They’ve been looking to me for strength and courage to continue on. Which is both an honour and a hinderance. 

I’m constantly frustrated with myself. I think I’m putting too much pressure to be “normal” “okay” “balanced” because then I know I’m doing okay. Like I’ve got life back on track. Which is potentially too much to ask of myself at this stage. But I’m working two jobs, making good money. My weight it is a problem for me at the moment, but I can’t seem to control it. Eating my feelings, and having extra money makes it easier to just order myself something if I want it. I’ve lost control again. But I’m trying to not let that get to me. I can’t do it all. Not when my spirit is broken, and trying to heal. I am managing to see my family more, and staying in contact with everyone. But I think the friends part has been the hardest.  If I didn’t work with Gaz, I honestly don’t know how I’d be feeling right now. I hardly see Beth. And we don’t message each other very often either. I feel like I’ve been doing a good job of checking in with my friends and they’ve not done so well in doing that for me. Except Anthony. He’s going through his own shit and still tries to see me, or message me. 

Morgan is non existent in my life essentially. He really dropped off the radar when Dad died. Which just made me feel so shit. Like, if you can’t be there for me when I need support the most, then I don’t know if I need you around at all. 

Seeing Stella was one of the best things I’ve ever done.  I miss her so much. Especially now that I’ve been in her world. I just wish I could pop back all the time and see her. Hopefully they’ll move home in the next few years..  But she always understands how I’m feeling. And knows how to listen to me. Beth messaged yesterday saying how excited she is to hang out. And honestly, I just feel like she really struggles to understand where I’m at and how I’m feeling.  I told her I’ve been feeling really lonely lately and her response was something like “We all love you”. Like yeah, I fucking know that. “I’ve been thinking of you every day”. Well cool. But how do I know that? Maybe just message me a love heart or something then.  I’m very aware that everyone’s been pretty busy lately, but I’ve been checking in on how she’s going with work and school, and she just doesn’t ask how I am.  No one is asking how I am.  Everyone is just sending me love. Which I understand is how they’re showing support. But who is opening up a conversation?

FUCKING MERINDA IS. Merinda, Kane and Nick (Sparks) are the people I’ve been talking to this week.  Nick and Kane have been wonderful, having experienced loss in their lives also. But I bet you my friends would be kicking themselves to know they’ve been out friended by Min. 

Giant sigh.  Giant.  Pushing through. As always.  And I don’t think anyone see’s how hard it is to do it everyday.  Jack doesn’t hide it as well as I do.  Ben avoids the emotion all together.  Mum sits in the happy/sad balance which is healthy. But sometimes I just don’t want to. And there’s no escape.  Just lonely Mary. 

Anyway. It’s the end of the year. We’re coming up to Christmas, Dad’s birthday and Ben’s 30th. Alot to get through. So thats why I’m feeling extra sensitive I think. 

[theothersideoftruth]

A year later

26/01/2019

 saw him for the first time since November 2017 last night.  I was catching up with Jesse, and Ryan was around so he joined us. It was so nice to see him. Our connection was there immediately. Our banter. Just looking at him felt like home. 

We talked, and cuddled, and did all our favourite things.

And then we also slept together... Three times...

And I was glad I got to show him how I’ve progressed and learnt new things. And I think he was impressed with me. 

I got to listen to what he’s been up to, and how proud of himself he is now. It was truely beautiful to see him progress and his self love genuinely be there. 

I do miss him, but I miss his friendship. I don’t miss how emotional I am around him. I don’t miss how selfish in bed he is. I don’t miss the stress and the worry that I seem to turn to with him. I don’t miss how angry he can get. 

He sees everything in his own way. He doesn’t remember why we didn’t work or what major flaws we both had that lead us to break up. He said “we’re so good together. Emotionally, mentally, physically.” And I replied, “and which ways aren’t we good?” and he replied “Exactly! There aren’t any.” but he knew I was just trying to stay logical and sensible. And then I fell into his big arms and big chest and big hugs of warmth and comfort and it was safe and magical again. All the things I miss, I got to have once more with him. And part of me wants to be able to hug him whenever I want. Because he used to be mine, but now.... they’re not supposed to be for me. Not my cuddles. I need to not feel so guilty, because it was lovely for the both of us. But I feel he’s grown more than I have, emotionally. Or maybe he’s just turned it all off easier than I have. When I’m with him, I can’t help it. I just feel so deeply and cry so damn much hahaha -I enjoyed seeing him so much -When he kissed me, it felt so lovely and familiar -Our banter is still perfect -He’s gorgeous -He is very good at sex, so I can’t regret that -I missed having sex with him, but also, now that it’s been done, I don’t miss it all the time -It was consensual and equally shared and enjoyed -He missed me too -He misses being my friend, and I want to save that.  I need to not sleep with him next time. I just want him to know that I’m always here. But I don’t want to be with him. He doesn’t understand me as well as he thinks. He still pushes my buttons too easily. I still jump back into “Ryan needs me” brain, and that scares me.   

It could have been alot worse. “Do it now, so you don’t have to tomorrow” “Daily progress turns into monthly progress”  -Ryan’s life advice 

[theothersideoftruth]

We hung out. It was lovely.

I wish I wasn’t PMSing though. It meant that I cried about everything, even though I was so legitimately happy to be there. 

It’s nice to be with one of your best friends without all the worry, and self conscious thoughts. 

I worry that I made the wrong decision breaking up with him now.

But he’s doing well, and he needs to be able to do that without me. I just need to prove I can do it too.

YAY!

[theothersideoftruth]

Reflection

I am so glad I write here. A safe place for my dark thoughts. For my honest thoughts. My blurry thoughts.

I feel very blurry at the moment. Unsure how to focus my mind. Im thinking about alot of things at the moment, but mainly I’m thinking about my relationship. 

It’s easy for me to not think about it. It’s so easy to ignore the little things bothering me, but what happens when I eventually do lift my head up and have a look around, only to realise that I’ve ignored it for too long and I’m now surrounded by not so little things that annoy me. But huge problems that now infuriate me.

I don’t want to allow us to get to a stage where we hate and despise each other. I want to stay friends, forever. But is that even possible? Maybe for me, if I learnt to be strong and moved on. But alot of me worries for him. ALOT. I worry he won’t be strong enough to get back into it. I worry that he won’t find someone who loves him like I love him. I worry that all the good work we’ve done on getting his head straight will vanish and he’ll have to go back onto his medication.

I am his #1 confidant. And as much as he’s one of mine, I also have #2 #3 #4 #5.... I have way more people to help and support me. And if we break up, he’ll be left with noone. It’s not my responsibility but it also is. I’d be responsible for making him sad, causing his depression to spark up again. I’d be responsible for him feeling like he has noone to talk to. I’d be responsible for him feeling like he couldnt stay friends with my friends. 

Id be responsible for breaking his heart. 

And that KILLS me. Honestly. 

But my mum also said to me that I cannot make my decisions based on protecting others. She said, like with an old friendship of mine, I need to be able to put myself first. Not always think as a protector.

But even if I did break up with him, how do you stay away? How do you not just run back to each other? To the comfort and the ease of it. 

Because he’s not a bad person. He’s amazing. He’s so gentle and sensitive. And so loyal. So it’s hard to imagine doing something that will break all of that off. He loves me so much, which I really do value, but I also worry that he loves me too much. He’s too dependent. He’s so close that he can’t see the problems. He’s too blinded by contentment that he doesn’t see that I need space. I need space and change. 

Space & Change. 

I kind of feel like I’ve already made a decision, I’m just waiting for my brain and heart to catch up. I also don’t want to prematurely end something special. And he’s so special. I feel like I would be letting alot of people down if we broke up. Our friends love us together, his family, my family! But I also have the support of my best friends and my mum. And if they’re not telling me that it’s a bad decision then I think it is the right one..

But I had to face alot of personal issues during the first stage of dating Ryan. He forced me to challenge his ideas of beauty and he also forced me to believe in myself. Not because he wanted to encourage that, but because he was so closed off to other ideals. He also changed his view as well. eventually.

I don’t know if I would be strong enough to try again. I would definitely need time to get into shape, and love myself completely. Because at the moment I don’t. And we always plan on getting healthy, but together we just don’t motivate each other enough. And that worries me. I cant spend my whole life motivating him, and myself, and get nothing in return. I just can’t. I’m not strong enough. Things Ryan has taught me: I’m smart I can love I can be loved I can be a bitch I suck at directions I get cold alot

I ultimately need space. And if that doesn’t happen soon, I won’t be able to hang on for much longer. Ugh. Wow.  “I believe, that my life’s gonna see the love I give, returned to me”  He made that true. He MAKES that true. 

[theothersideoftruth]

Stuck.

This is tough.

As a couple we’re still strong and happy but as an individual, I dont feel as strong. I feel like he weighs me down sometimes. And I hate thinking that, because he is my light in so many other ways. 

His bad habits became my bad habits and as much as I try to shake them, it’s hard when he’s not trying to. 

I feel like I’m losing myself a little bit. To compensate for his laziness. He makes the money so he feels like he’s the one in control, but I’m the one trying to keep us happy and healthy and ugh... I don’t know. I DONT KNOW. 

I feel trapped and lost yet safe and loved. I feel smothered but free. I feel caged in a relationship, but it’s a relationship that I love. 

Sometimes I wonder if he is the one. And I know that logically I have a billion “the ones” but how do I know if I’m settling? Because it’s easy. And because he needs me. How do I get some space? How do I get my independence back? 

I feel stuck. Creatively and romantically. I feel sad. Well today I feel sad. And I’m not too sure what to do. And I don’t know who to talk to about it, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m trying to break up with him, that’s not my intention. I just want space. My own space. I think it’s the room. It’s too small now. And I can tell he hates it. But the pressure to move out is crazy and I don’t have the money so how can I even contemplate it?

And he wants to travel and do all these things that I just don’t have money for. And I hate that he wont do it without me, because now I feel like the one dragging him down.  Part of me wishes he’d move out with his friends, but I know I’d miss him, and we’d get distant maybe because our schedules are so different. It’d be interesting for me to see how I function without him though, because the times that I’ve been gone, I’ve missed him heaps but had more energy and felt accomplished.. 

Again, I need to get my shit together. I’m so worried that I wont. That i’ll be a failed human. Forever poor. Forever not able to support herself. And then what does that mean for my future? No Ryan and no kids? Fuck. 

Fuck.

[theothersideoftruth]

Trying to keep positive in order to stay sane. 

My partner and I have both been struggling to find work, and now he’s doing amazing! I’m so so proud of him. Now it’s time to focus on me and it sucks. 

I have no qualifications. I wish people would pay me $400 to make blankets all day long. 

I have so much enthusiasm and drive and I have nowhere to put it all. Feeling stuck. Feeling sad. Feeling lost.. Again.

When is it my time?

[theothersideoftruth]

Happy together

I miss him. I love him. He’s my perfect guy. 

He is silly with me. He kisses me. He wakes me up with hugs and Netflix. He rolls my spliffs and holds my hand. 

I feel so happy so I need to make sure that we savour it all and cherish every moment.

Aaaaaah.

He’s been gone for two weeks, and I got to see him for 2 days, and now I miss him again. It’s good having a break. Allows time to think and consider and love from a distance. 

I’m so lucky, and so is he. X

[theothersideoftruth]

It’s coming up Milhouse.

So this weekend I went to Lorne with my cousins, for our first “CUZNSWKND”. It was fucking awesome. Lots of wine & cider, and plenty of cheese. Plus dogs and a cute baby. 

It also was the first weekend that I’d spent away from the boyfriend since.. like.. maybe the start of January? We’re a new couple and enjoy each others company ALL the time but we only get to see each other on weekends due to living proximities and work. He was a tad more sooky than I was (which makes me kinda happy that I can sorta deal with not seeing him) but I still didn’t like the idea that I’d not see him for another week on top of the week that I’d just survived. 

Anyway, he was visiting a friend and asked if he could stay in my room for the night. He said he’d try and wait for me to get back from adventures but he’d have to leave at some point for sleep reasons. Totally understandable. My ride wasn’t leaving till 5PM, so I wouldn't get home till 7PM earliest. I was pretty bummed that he hung out with my family and I didn’t get to see him at all. 

When I got home, he was sitting at the dinner table with my mum :) :) The massive cutie had no intention of leaving before I got home cos he’s a massive cutie who is cute. UGH. His adorable levels kill me. So I got to spend my Sunday evening with my boy, a rare thing, as he usually leaves around 6 on Sundays. 

Many kisses, all of the hugs. I think I almost love him. As he was driving off he yelled “I MISSED YOU!” I know some guys struggle with emotions, and it’s so nice to know that he doesn’t. 

Life is prettyyyyy good <3 

[theothersideoftruth]

Maybe I don't know myself..

I feel about 80 times more emotional with Ryan. 

I get offended by things that would not bother me from anyone else. 

I feel like crying 1/3 of the time I'm with him.

And for no reason. Well for pity reasons. I know that it's ridiculous so I'm trying to hold back the sadness while he's around. But then I feel like I'm spending my time trying to hold it together instead of just genuinely enjoying his company. 

I'm tired of feeling like a train wreck. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the most annoying human ever. 

I have so many insecurities that I didn't know I had until Ryan. And it's not his fault, he just exposes me to new things and situations that I'm uncomfortable with apparently.. 

I hardly ever cry. I'm sick of it. 

He always joke banters with classic Ryan lines "You don't know me" "You don't know yourself"... maybe I don't. 

[theothersideoftruth]

Everything is awesome. Everything is cool when you're part of a team.

So having a boyfriend so far, is a god damn dream. 

And even though there are things that infuriate me, the frustration lasts about 4 seconds and then a kiss fixes it all. Because everyone's flawed, and his pro's outweigh his con's. 

It's nice having someone to kiss and cuddle, and then at the same time he wants to spend all his free time with me. It's nice not feeling like I'm intruding or being too clingy.. He does it for the both of us. 

He asked me to come with him to Bali over Christmas today. It makes me smile. Because Christmas is a whole forever away. Which means he has no plan to leave me anytime soon. That is really nice. 

Not that I expect him to, but ya never know do you?

[theothersideoftruth]

Let's hear it for the boy.

I realised you help me to think less

You tell me your thoughts and it quietens mine.

Lack of worry for what's "right" to say and when to speak

Shows me that we are writing our own rules.

I like that.

You get so caught up watching others

So much so that it makes you mad

But you let me talk reason and calm you

Without telling me I'm wrong or stupid.

I like that.

You make me feel so wanted 

Needed.

Your day is off if it doesn't involve a word from me

And the truth is, I feel that too.

I like that. 

On the same page, yet reading it differently.

Our brains are not wired identically.

But that doesn't bother me, 

You offer a new point of view. 

I like that. 

You're strong and determined. 

You're accepting of me and kind.

You look at me with care,

Like you want to remember me forever.

I love that. 

But the truth is- 

The more I fall, the harder the break.

And I wouldn't wish such pain for either of us

But nothing is certain. 

Please don't break me. 

[theothersideoftruth]

Excuse me while I vomit my messy feelings..

Another boy post, because its easier to type my consciousness than to hand write it. 

I met a boy on Halloween. He was cute. I saw him instantly and I wanted to kiss him so badly. But he disappeared, like Cinderella. I thought I'd never see him again. "Life is shit, deal with it".  

He found me on Facebook somehow the next day which meant he was just as much of a stalker as I was.. But I couldn't believe he remembered my name (I forgot his). I told him straight up how attracted I was to him, and wanted to meet up pretty much A$AP. 

He was going through some personal stuff and thought it best for us to catch up once it had all hopefully blown over. 

So a month later, after some FBchats, we hung out. Then the next day, and the next and so on for pretty much 6 days. 

He met my family. I was invited to his sisters 18th. I had family brunch! It was all so lovely but intense. Ive never been somebody's "someone" before. And as much as it's so so nice, it's so fucking scary. It feels so fragile. I feel like I'm being looked at under a microscope. Not even by him, although at times, but more so by myself. Which is fucking weird because I'm quite comfortable with myself. 

Its all so new, and REAL. 

He kisses my cheek when I'm not expecting it. He holds my hand as I fall asleep. He cuddles me and pulls me in like he never wants to let me go. He laughs at my snoring and my jokes. He makes me smile, and he makes me miss him. 

I've always been so scared of commitment because I don't want to get bored or lose interest and hurt someone, but I feel like he's going to get bored of me and I'll be the one left out to dry. And even though we haven't been seeing each other for very long, I still don't want to imagine a time where he doesn't talk to me, or want to see me. 

I'm so scared to get further involved but even more scared to lose what we've begun. 

Why's he so fucking appealing? He has flaws, ones that I don't seem to care about. I'm intrigued by them. Maybe unhealthily so. And I can't tell if I'm not bothered by the bad parts because I'm so into the good parts, or if I genuinely don't care about the bad parts. How do I know? Just wait it out and see? What if that fucks everything up, and if I wasn't being so blinded and selfish I potentially could have stopped it..? 

Uggghhhhh. 

I immensely dislike a lot of being intimate/romantic with someone. I have no control over it, which means I can't control myself, and I've worked rather hard at being good at that. 

Not even control. Just intune. I can read myself well, but with these fluffy/squirmy/whirlwind emotions of <3 I can't calm myself down. I can't tell how deep I am. I can't tell where it'll end and how much I will care. And that is so fucking scary. It's letting go and letting him catch on. I don't know if I am capable of that. At all. 

But if he is able to be strong and make huge life changes, then maybe so can I. Maybe. 

But I don't want to change myself for anyone other than myself. However, with that approach to a relationship, I'm bound to be alone. There needs to be give and pull. I need to be able to adapt, as long as he does. Teamwork.