theproductofdisaster

[theproductofdisaster]

what do people who don’t overthink do with all that extra brain time

[theproductofdisaster]

I really don’t understand.

Why only certain parts of me are worthy of your attention.

You lust after my body, but not my mind, or my heart.

My soul sits waiting for something. Anything.

Desperately seeking light. Craving love.

Just sharp darkness is what I get in return of my consistent warmth.

For someone with so much internal darkness, I’ve been told by so many of how much light I carry with me. How much is constantly surrounding me.

I guess the contrast is what keeps me tethered. The two constantly in a battle trying to keep one another balanced.

[theproductofdisaster]

I’ve tried long enough I think .

Tried to make this work.

I’m always the one trying to make things work.

Why am I always the one.

Emotion and conversation should not be too much for me to ask for.

It’s been over a month of talking.

Every day.

Not one day missed.

Hanging out with one of my girlfriends last night made me realize some things that I wasn’t too fond of.

The “score number” on that app. I didn’t know what that meant.

Not sure if those are from the past, or is that mostly current? Should I do the math?

Maybe, but that’s more effort that I’m still putting in.

I can’t keep making excuses for others.

I’m putting in the effort because I want to make this a thing.

You should be doing the same, if that’s also what you wanted…

—————-

I hate you for ruining what little trust I had left to give to others. You took it and stomped all over it and now I’m messed up for others. I never deserved what you did to me.

—————-

[theproductofdisaster]

Wonder.

If I just stop.

Will you pick it up?

If I don’t reach out. Don’t talk first. Don’t ask all the questions and try to keep it going.

Will it die then and there?

You say your interest is very much there, but if your actions don’t show it, continuously don’t show it.

Is it even really true?

I’m so tired of always being the one to carry everything. Just once I’d like to take a step back and not be terrified that it won’t be there when I get back.

[theproductofdisaster]

Jaded.

Too many walls up, closed off from contact.

Only allowing in what you know won’t hurt you.

Too much damage; the walls appeared almost overnight.

They are a precaution.

You can’t afford to keep getting hurt.

The damage is too much.

You put so much of yourself into others.

Being used as a battery. Who knew you had so many outlets?

Your gravitational pull keeps drawing people in, despite knowing the repetitive end result.

All you want is for someone to give back even half of what you give out.

It’s much too big an ask. The weight of it is too much.

How you still have so much to give out despite getting crumbs in return is beyond me.

You are a power source, but the question remains if you’re renewable or non.

Will you eventually run out? Dry up and burn out? Will it be a glorious big bang or will it fizzle out quietly, as not to disrupt anyone. Not to inconvenience anyone.

This is a habit that should be broken, but fear takes a chokehold on you. So you just keep on the same track, not veering slightly.

Keep letting others plug into your energy, being used as a nutrient, a life support for others while it slowly and painfully chips away at your own soul.

“Call your energy back” “ground yourself”

But what if they need it more than me?

That shouldn’t always be the first reaction. It’s not always a bad thing to be a little selfish. To put yourself first.

I can dish out that advice all day, every day for others.

“Take your own advice”

I don’t know how.

I don’t even know how to attempt to talk about things in order to make them better.

Therapy isn’t weak.

You keep this wall around you, and only let pieces show as to appease professionals. To make them believe you’re opening up and showing progress.

You know the truth though. You are a master in masks.

You wear so many, that at times you can even trick yourself into believing your ruse.

———————————————————————————

You have to find a way through this fortress you’ve built.

You deserve to finally be happy.

After all the shit you’ve endured for others.

After all the shit that’s been done to you.

You deserve your goddamn happily ever after.

That was taken from you. (Fuck you.)

Now you should take it back.

Baby steps.

Try not to let all your trauma hold you down.

Let yourself be open to others, pursue love again.

Don’t let all defenses down, but lower the gate to allow others to cross the poisonous moat you’ve let surround your castle.

Don’t let that poison into your head.

Don’t constantly second and triple guess, and overthink every single thing.

Be on the pursuit of happiness.

[theproductofdisaster]

What sucks the most is that you couldn’t do this before. After all the times so many people begged you. You made those choices, yet somehow I’m still the one stuck with the consequences and you still seem unbothered.

[theproductofdisaster]

[theproductofdisaster]

Halloween meme 🎃 [1/5] Relationships (in a Halloween or horror-esque movie/tv show) Sally & Gillian (Practical Magic): “Of course you’re going to see me again! We’ll grow old together. It’s going to be you and me living in a big house… these two old biddies with all these cats. I bet we even die on the same day.”

[theproductofdisaster]

[theproductofdisaster]

You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine

[theproductofdisaster]

Random coronavirus tweets I liked. Add your faves!

[theproductofdisaster]

How can I feel so calm and so heartbroken at the same time.

I feel like I’m operating on numb, and I don’t know how to shake it.

[theproductofdisaster]

👏👏👏

[theproductofdisaster]

[theproductofdisaster]

[theproductofdisaster]

[theproductofdisaster]

my friends: haha hey whats up we havent talked in a while

me: