therapeuticrambles-blog - Tumblr blog

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Remember when I locked myself in the bathroom and cried because I was scared after what had happened? No, because no one believed me. And that's part of the problem.

[therapeuticrambles-blog]

I need to come back here. I've got a lot to work out.

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3

Isn't life funny? You think you know where you stand with someone, and the next you're not sure. It's been a busy month or so since I left posted. My relationship with tinder got back off to a great start. I met someone. Someone who I'm not so sure about now, but I'm amazed at the progress that I've made. Progress mentally and physically. I can't begin to describe it. So even if this goes nowhere towards a relationship I've learnt enough about myself to be okay with that. I'm not sure how to move forward though. If that's fizzles out, what is my next move? Do I go back to tinder? Or do I wait? Wait seems like the sensible thing. I feel like a world of experience has been revealed to me. And I want more. But I want something real. I'm ready for something real again.

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2

I've felt really strange in the last week. Well, last eight days. I feel like out of nowhere like I want to shut down communication. Build my walls back up again. If I'm honest I feel a little bit lost, I thought I knew what I wanted and what I was doing and now I'm not so sure. I mean this generally as well. I'm starting to feel settled in some way but I've still got a move ahead of me. In the space of three days I decided to fully remove my tinder account (I wasn't using it, it felt too much stress) and thenafter being jealous of my friends having fun with their lives I got it back. So yes, confused.

Regarding the a Tualatin physical side of vaginismus I've spent a week having a fight with tampons. Fights. I've mostly won which is a step in the right direction I suppose. Although shout out to my implant for messing my hormones again. On the other hand I made some progress actual Saturday. I visited the Norwich Ann Summers store and WA assisted by the lovely Meg. I'd gone in to purchase the Intimrelax Vagina Training Kit. This works in the same way as dilators but they look much less phallic and much less scary. They come in three sizes and it includes a handy zip up case to store them. I fully recommend this set so far, and Meg was much more reassuring than the doctor I saw a couple of years ago. She talked me through the kit and my options once I was comfortable with the biggest size. I'm actually excited to start trying this and getting a routine. I tried the smallest last night and it's clear to me I have a long way to go, but it's already been a long time and I'm willing to work on it.

Oh, and I've decided to make this public. It may seem to opposite of building walls, but it's here if anyone wants to read it. So hi.

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1

The more I've thought about this the more I realise I should have felt like I needed to make this a space where no one knows me. I should be able to talk about it. I think it's been nearly three years of me coming to terms with having a medical condition. I want to move forward and be more open. I was told that's part of my problem, I'm not open enough and my body is reacting as such. But that's easier said than done. How can you simply be more open? I've been open with my friends about it and that's fine, they aren't the ones who have to deal with this. Of course they're supportive and they make it easy to talk about it. But that's totally different to opening up to someone you want to share that part of you with.

Since being given a diagnosis I've had one serious relationship. I remember being so scared to go back to his house, or invite him into mine, because of what that could lead to. That first time I went to his I didn't know what to expect. We watched some TV, listened to music, talked, and laughed. Then the kissing. He took his shirt off and before anything else had even crossed my mind I had to ask him to stop. He did, he was confused, and offered to drive me back home. I already felt at that point I owed him an explanation. Nothing really had happened, I just had so much expectation that I couldn't let it progress. I was scared of what was going on with me mentally (I'd been having a bad time before he came back into my life), and what could happen physically. Because all I'd come to expect was pain. He was understanding, agreeing that if we wanted to take things further then we could still have fun, just without the sex. It felt like a weight off my shoulders. It became easier to talk about.

Fast forward. I'm struggling to talk again. I don't need to, but I want to. It's playing on my mind. I don't know what situation I'm in now, and therefore I don't know what I can say, or how much he even cares. I've liked this guy for a while (probably too long), and things feel like they might go somewhere. Who knows. That's not my problem. I've seen him a couple of times since July, and it's been great. The first two nights were consecutive. Night one. I'd really been looking forward to seeing him. He just puts a smile on my face without trying. I definitely wanted more. I had to ask him to stop, things had gone further this time. I wanted things to go further. I felt so ready for it. And then pain, pain that I'd almost forgotten I could feel. I wanted to cry. I wanted to curl up and not be seen. I felt like I owed all the explanation. I felt like he deserved more. And that's the worst thing. I'm in pain and all I can think is that I owe something to that person for saying no, please stop. I gave the best explaination I could (it was shit, and if you ever read this I'm sorry for that), and he seemed okay with that. Okay enough that he's had me back a couple of times since then. And now it's been a week since I last saw him, and I keep wanting to say thank you. Thank you for making me feel like I don't owe you anything. I don't know if you realise it, but each time I've seen you I've felt like I wanted to give you more. Not because I feel like I'm expected to. And I think that's why I find you so attractive. I wish I could be more open, I wish I could explain any of it to you .

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I feel like I've found a part of tumblr I didn't know I needed.

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Vaginismus does not dictate your worth as a person. It does not make you worth less or more than anyone else. It does not make you a failure. It absolutely does not make you worthless or unworthy of kindness, love, or respect. I promise you. I care about you. It is difficult. It is different. But you’re not alone. We’re in this together.

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vaginismus

when your heart says ho but your body says no

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Intro.

So where to start? I’ve got blogs on here, personal and public (though still personal). I have a WordPress. Why this one? I need somewhere to talk about sex. I’m 24 years old, 25 in January. Some background maybe, as to why I want to talk about sex.

 Sex as I’ve known it has been painful. I never really considered that this was abnormal until I was 21. I was in a relationship from the age of 16-19, and then pretty soon after was in another relationship. Both of these people I’ll discuss at some point I’m sure. Sex with both had been painful. Then at 21 I was single, like really single. 2014. This is when I thought maybe it wasn’t normal to be so uncomfortable all the time. Early 2015.  I was referred to a sexual health clinic to discuss my problem. I had a physical exam, which confirmed it was not my body that was the issue, but my mind. This was a sigh of relief, but it meant to easy solution. I was offered counselling. Four months later I was offered an appointment.  I went to two sessions. Six weeks in between each.

 So maybe this is my fault for not continuing? I’d felt like I’d got some answers, and by this time I was once again in a relationship and things appeared to be okay for the first time. I was finally being open, and apparently my body appreciated that. 

Fast forward to 2017. I’m in a situation that I don’t really understand. Is it a relationship, or is it not? I don’t think that’s important. I really want to have sex. But my body is saying no again. I need to get to the bottom of this.

So the next best thing I can thing of is use this space, where no one knows who I am, to talk about my experience, and maybe I’ll get some clarity.