therealleafknight

[therealleafknight]

Resentful

because the woman who I call mother has never loved me nor cherished me nor sought the best for me in all things in all ways that she was meant to, yet still lives

because the woman who i felt was a mother did love me and cherish me and sought the best for me in all things in all ways that she wasn't meant to, yet is no more

what's the point in days like these

who do i celebrate on a day like this

who do i give gifts to on a day like this

what's the point in words said when ears will never hear them and eyes will never see them and hearts will never feel them for they are still

[therealleafknight]

i literally logged back on here just for this fucking stupid shit lmao take my reblog you absolute bellend this is great

TOP TEN DINOSAURUSES

maybe you're wondering my most tenned favorite dinosauruses??? The science study of dinasacacers is called "dinosaurusology" by leading experts like myself, and it is constantly changing as we make new uncoveries almost every tuesday when we find new bones in my cousin rob's garage (he hasn't thrown anything out since the 90's!) As such bear in mind that up to two facts I am about to share could become dated over the course of the next century, however as both the king and queen of science this will only be true if I'm still available to approve the new facts. If I'm dead or kind of tired then nobody will ever know what's true anymore so you should be nice to me. #10: OVIRAPTOR

OVIRAPTOR was a good model for what all dinosacans were like: it was a wrinkly lizard that slithered in filthy dirt and had difficulty standing upright because its bones were made of rocks. This is why we have the term "the stone age," so be grateful you're living in "the bone age!" Oviraptor's name means "eggs velociraptor" because it was a kind of velociraptor that stole eggs. It didn't know what to do with them because nobody invented cooking yet and raw dinosaur eggs were disgusting, so every oviraptor starved to death.

#9: IGUANADON

This was the last known photograph of IGUANA DON (not to be confused with his cousin iguana dan) when george washington invented photographs 2 million years ago. Don was an ugly disgusting hilarious lizard monster with one horn on its nose and he died because he evolved a dining room in his torso exactly the right size for 21 cavemen to walk in and eat his kidneys. This was not helped by don's instinct to sleep on a big porch under a chandelier.

#9 DIMETRODON

DIMETRODON was the most common dinosaur of jurassic, which was the fifth and final era of dinosaurs after the ice age but before the ediacaran. In fact dimetrodon was the very last dinosaur to ever exist on earth before they were all eaten to death by the ediacaran's dominant predator: a species of swirly looking weird rock. Nobody knows why these swirly looking weird rocks died out, but it's most likely because dimetrodon was so poisonous from its diet of entirely pufferfish. You can tell it was a sea dinosaur because of its fish fin! #8: PTERADACTYL

PTERODACTYL was a regular dinosaur until it got married to a species of bat and its bat wife laid a bunch of pterodactyl eggs! This woodcut is however inaccurate: flying would not be invented until president obama discovered the first airplane in 1998, so pterodactyl couldn't possibly have stayed in the air and just immediately fell. The long 900 million year reign of the pterodactyl abruptly ended when the last one finally hit the ground (it took longer in those days because the oxygen disaster made so much more air) #7 SNORKASAURUS

SNORKASAURUS was completely unique among all dinocaurs by having a really long neck. It was one of the largest creatures to ever roam the earth at over 7 feet tall, or exactly 12 meters to those of you living in Liberia or Myanmar! This is the last known photograph of snorkasaurus, giving birth to the first cavemen. Snorkasaurus went extinct because all of them did this instead of making baby snorkasauruses. This is because like all dinosaurii they had only a tiny peanut for a brain, and nobody was around to give them 'the talk' because that wasn't invented yet.

#6 SMILODON

SMILODON was a very special dinosaurn because it was the first one to stand up on its hind legs after years of rigorous exercise and weight training. By inventing this new way of walking, Smilodon made it possible for the first monkeys to evolve! This is called "convergent" evolution.

#5 BULBASAUR

BULBASAUR was a majestic and beautiful species of neopet unfortunately disliked by the scientific community because it is the reason there are no flying dinosuars. Bulbasaur was the first ever flying dyanasar ever invented, 19 billion years ago on September 10, 2001, but the project was discontinued when its first test flight ended in a tragic accident. That's right: on September 11, 2001, Bulbasaur crashed into the stock market, causing the great depression that lead to the civil war :'( now to this very day, flying dinosarers are against the law.

#4 YOSHI

YOSHI is a type of dinersaulophus called a "bird," which was actually the second attempt by early neanderthal alchemists to manufacture a street legal flying dinnersauran, but the New Zealand government realized if dinophlofbuses can fly, then bats would no longer be special, and since bats are New Zealand's only major export it would have been an economic disaster. The queen of Australia (New Zealand's largest city) ordered the CIA to sand all of the wings off of these early prototype birds. Every bird tragically went extinct when it looked down, noticed how high up it was and remembered it could not fly, activating the effects of Earth's gravitational field.

#3 ANOMALOCARIS

ANOMALOCARIS was the dinosorcerous that discovered the first primitive cave painting of a modern day crab and invented carcinisation. All the other dinanders laughed at Anomalocaris for wanting to turn into a crab, but guess what??? Every single kind of dinosaur is dead but there's a crab still alive at 29, making it the oldest person in the world. Who's FUCKING laughing now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#2 EARL SINCLAIR

This is the last known photograph of Earl Sinclair, seen here as an uncredited extra in "Avatar 3: Lost in New York." Earl Sinclair was a sindonaur species that could disguise itself as a human by putting on sunglasses, a necessary adaptation in order to hide from the largest predator dancasore to ever live: Mellisuga helenae. However, near the end of the coal age, M. Helenae finally remembered that sunglasses hadn't even been invented yet. Look carefully, and you'll notice nobody is wearing sunglasses at all in this scene, making Earl Sinclair stick out like a sore thumb! If you're still having difficulty, here's a zoomed in image of this majestic thunder lizard:

Unfortunately......this wardrobe malfunction made Mr. Sinclair just as obvious to his ancient enemy, and the last Earl Sinclair's brains were sucked out on September 11, 2001, the darkest day in British history because he was the only one who knew the recipe to chicken mcnuggets (the only british food.) To this day all british people are extinct but you can still see their fossilized skeletons waiting in line at the department of motor vehicles.

#1 CONCAVENATOR

Concavenator was an Early Cretaceous carcharodontosaurid up to six meters in length with an unusual pointed crest on its back.

[therealleafknight]

To Lavern

The one who taught me how to speak when the world demanded me to be silent

The one who taught me how to see when the world made me blind with ignorance

To the one who taught me that it's okay to cry when I'm feeling sad

That it's okay to like the things I like and to be who I am That it's okay to be alive That it's okay to laugh To smile

The one who taught me how to love my creations even though I found it hard to love anything about myself

The one who always cheered me on even though every voice I heard told me that I was wasting my time

That I was stupid That I talk too much That I was a burden That I didn't deserve anything That I should die

The one who taught me that it's okay not feel okay right now, but if you give life a chance

Then some way and somehow You'll find that life is okay

But now I'm scared, scared because I know that those times will come and come again that tell me I am nothing but dross and burnt refuse and dust

Those times where you would cheer in my corner and remind me that I am not charcoal and dust

That my flute is golden That my art is golden That my effort is golden That my work is golden That I am golden

I just hope that maybe if it's quiet If I strain my ears enough If I hold hope in my heart enough That I'll hear you say those helpful words

You can do it! If anyone can do it, you can!

I will miss you I still cherish you And I will always appreciate you

My other mother, cheering me on in my heart

[therealleafknight]

All'Armonia

Some find poems excessive and others rather bland To me, they're simple gestures Like holding someone's hand

So for you, a simple gesture Come, take me by the hand I have some things to tell you And I hope you'll understand:

This is just to say

I've been elated By your presence More and more And day by day

Your presence is a present One I question if I'm worthy of Due to past events But happy to accept And focus on this tense

Thank you for reminding me Of how it feels to be special In a world that can be cruel Where that feeling is easily forgotten

This isn't a love poem At least I wouldn't say It is a sweet little nothing A word to you from me

Just little thoughts and gestures On a day of Yule and gay

I’m not sure yet how I feel Perhaps for you the same But for now, I'll say To you a happy holiday To you a fine New Year I hope this gesture finds you well And brings to you some cheer

[therealleafknight]

Holiday Cheer

Here it is again

Holiday Drear

A table set with food but none there to feast

A bit of cake or pie but no one wants a treat

The weather outside is frightful still

No fire inside; no one lights the grill

No family to love me so

I'm alone

I'm alone

I'm alone.

[therealleafknight]

La Prima Volta

Life is full of first-times Beginnings are always uneasy Full of anxiety and impatience Of worry and doubt

But then the moments come Full of relief and joy Of familiarity and confidence

And then you part Wonderingwaitinghoping that maybe Just maybe "Questa prima volta non sarà l'ultima volta" Right?

We'll see;

We'll see.

[therealleafknight]

Semper Captivum Doloris

I always say I do not envy I do not know jealousy Hate is foreign to me Covetousness is unbecoming of me

I'm lying.

I hate you. Oh, how I despise you Incorrigible waste that you are You've forsaken me every time I've needed you most Abandoned me and left me by the wayside, Stranded yet not lost

Perhaps I didn't fully know you Perhaps you never thought to tell me Perhaps no one had thought to tell me I cannot blame you there

For without me, you are mute Though sometimes with me you are, too

What the fuck did I ever do to you?

Was it I who forsake you first? If so, then show me when Was it I who had abandoned you? Nay, never, let's not pretend

Or maybe, just a maybe, this is how you've always lied Always intending to betray me while you sit and try to abide

Now it's your game, you always win Except, you hurt you too, my twin Your pain captivates me by your whim And I can only sit

I'm sitting down now, at your table Cursing you cuz we're disabled.

[therealleafknight]

Alternatively, I Love You

But not normal way, you see

There are no dreams of kisses and no roses

But of long walks on the beach on a calm summer's night, hand in hand as we share laughter and secrets with no one watching but the moon

I love you

But not the romantic kind of love

I do not tumble down the mountain tops head over heels when I hear your name

But I would somersault to hear your voice, to get a glimpse of who you are

I love you

But not that lovey-dovey stuff

Yes, my heart may be smitted by the special beauty that I'm privileged to behold

But it still sits within me, unstolen and untouched by you

I love you

But without the want of marriage

One might say I'm in love with you

But it would be a lie, a falsehood—for those romantic sayings cannot encapsulate this feeling here correctly

I love you

But I wish not to be a lover

Our bond makes me feel special and sublime

But language fails to understand, to adapt, and to convey that love exists beyond romance, past family, and more than friends

I love you

But I have trouble saying it sometimes

My friend, our bond has kept us twain, we've been here since the start

But I hope you get just what I mean by "till death do us part".

[therealleafknight]

First Love

I feel warmth when we embrace, your tender lips caressing mine as our tongues intertwine

Our hot breath brings mist to glass, hiding away the truths we reveal to one another

We part briefly only to be reunited, our love for one another rekindled with each encounter

Sweet fragrances dance lightly in the air and sweet nothings regale our ears when we are together

I ache when you are away from me, a malady that begets fear

I love when you're inside me, my heart it holds you dear

I moanwhispershudder softly as you take me into your world

Unable to resist, I let you have your way with my soul

Your juices run down my chin as I laugh with delight

And you smile, watching my lips for those words again

More

For you've fully enraptured my all—body, mind, and heart

It doesn't matter when or where, for you I'm always in the mood

Morning, night, or afternoon

You know I'll always want you, Food

[therealleafknight]

Hanno Paura di Me

I've done nothing to these people No, not a thing at all Yet if I exist then they are pissed and want to see me fall

They tell me I'm a danger My life is just a sin I'm hurting them, I'm scaring them, I'm for the loony bin

Cuz somehow having darker skin is our country's bane And being demisexual secretly means I'm insane And no one can be nonbinary, the thought is quite inane Having a mental illness makes their hate wax and never wane

I haven't done a thing to you No really, not a thing at all But just being is too much They'd rather I be nothing They'd rather I be still They'd rather I be six feet under cuz my life is cheap swill They'd rather I stop breathing My life, they would snuff out Cuz I'm "too much" to handle Far too different to even touch

To live for me is nice but to die for them is gain I wonder who is keeping score of points in this wretched game

It's funny how they aim to hunt me down with their stupid campaign Yet expect me to want to come to work - I think that's truly insane.

[therealleafknight]

Claustrophobia

TW: mentions and descriptions of child abuse/physical abuse, claustrophobia, and self-harm

I can’t say I remember when it first started, but I know it was not there when I was very young. Back then, I was only afraid of the dark and of moths cuz I thought that they would eat my clothes. But now if you give me an MRI or put me on a crowded train or elevator and you give it a certain yet random amount of time, it’ll happen. The tears start streaming. My breathing gets panicked and I start hyperventilating. My hands hurt from how hard I’m balling up my fists, digging my nails into my palms. And that overwhelming feeling of “You aren’t safe here”.

I’d like to think it stems from my punishments as a child—well, I can’t say I’d like to think it, but I do definitely think so. My mother would hit me with a belt or a broom or a slipper or a slab of wood or an air freshener bottle or her car keys. Really, any object would do. I’m sure if we had a baseball bat in the house she’d have used that too. Glad she stopped when I picked up golf in school. Most people tend to have two responses to being attacked, I would think. Some of us run. Some of us fight. And when you’re only 8, 9, 10, 11 years old and your assailant is a grown woman... well, you better start running. Run up the stairs, run down the stairs. Jump down those stairs if you have to. Go two stairs at a time. Knock things over in the path. Close doors so time has to be taken to open them. Keep thinking on your feet and just run in that house. People often wondered why I was so good at track in middle school—I guess you could say I was always practicing.

But I didn’t just run. I’d hide too. I would hide inside the closest closet. I’d hide under my bed. I even cut out the little fabric on the bottom of the mattress so I could literally hide inside my bed. I tried to practice calming my breathing down from a quick pace to a slow, almost inaudible rate. I’d try to practice holding my breath for as long as possible so she wouldn’t hear me. I’d still be found anyway though, which made things worse as now I couldn’t escape.

And I think that’s what the fear is, really. It’s not a fear, it’s a memory. A memory of balling up and making myself as small as possible as a belt or a broom or a hanger or a stick rained down upon my small body like bombardment attacks do to a war-stricken land. A memory of trying to catch every blow, trying to push away and find the right opening to run and find a new space to hide. A memory of yelling, crying, and screaming in pain and fear as I yelled “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please stop hitting me!” and “I didn’t mean it please stop it was an accident” and “I didn’t do anything owww” and “Wait wait please please”. A memory of seeing a jeering smile on your brother’s face as he watched you run around trying to avoid this hell on Earth.

I think that’s what it all is anyway—memories. Because when I’m in that MRI machine and the doctor asks me if things are alright and to please try not to move around so much, I can still feel myself trying to defend and block the hits. I can still feel myself wanting to scream and to cry because I tried to hide again even though I knew it wouldn’t work.

She stopped when I was 16, thankfully. I still remember that day vividly. At the time, I had already slowly developed a habit of punching myself in the face or the chest or the stomach—anywhere, really—because I noticed she wouldn’t try to hit me if I did that. But that day, I didn’t do that. I didn’t even run. She swung at me with the broom and I just... caught it. Can you imagine that feeling? Years of running around trying to avoid pain, hiding in places, hitting myself repeatedly but never to the point of bruising. And then one day I just... catch it. I defend myself. She swung at me with the dustpan too in her other hand, and yknow... I caught that too. Effortlessly. It really was surreal to me that all this time I could just do that. She then tried to kick at me to get me to reflexively jump away and let go of the items. But yknow what? I put the broom and dustpan in one hand and just caught her leg. So there we were, her unable to put her foot down or really keep her balance as I had caught everything she came at me with.

I laugh at it now, especially because of what I said. I put her leg down, handed her the broom and dustpan and then said “Go sit down before you hurt yourself”. And I walked away. And she never hit me again. It’s a proud moment because I defended myself. But yet even so. Even though I defended myself. Even though I ensured my safety. Even though it stopped. Even though all of that happened, it just takes one single thing. The MRI. The CT Scan. That crowded elevator. The train car with too many people on it. The streets with lots of people. The hallway with nowhere to walk. The room with walls too small. All it takes is just that small thing and we’re back in the closet. We’re back under our bed. We’re back in the suitcase. We’re back in the bed itself. Back in the small door underneath the stairwell. Back in the boiler room. Back between the fridge and the oven. Back under the kitchen table. Back in all of those places, all of those spaces. That’s all it takes to manifest that memory, that feeling.

It’s funny how the things we fear the most aren’t even fears at all, just things we remember.

[therealleafknight]

Pig Sty

I’m tired of dying while they keep on lying

I’ve already stopped crying when people keep dying

Cuz my eyes are just drying no more tears to keep crying

While these cops just keep lying and lying and lying

“If you haven’t done anything wrong, then there’s no reason to fear”

That’s what they all say but they wouldn’t even dare

Wouldn’t dare to try on this dark skin that I wear

And to go out in the world cuz they know they’re aware

You could walk down the block with a pep in your step

You could take home your groceries, the usual schlep

You could open the door to your new, sick, sweet ride

You could read in your bed as you lie on your side

You could order your coffee from a barista who’s a teen

And then sixteen bullets appear in your back

Battered and bruised on your life an attack

Murdered and raped by some guys who we deem

Protectors and servants of law (so they seem)

And protect yes they do, though mainly themselves

Whenever they put our bodies on morgue shelves

And serve yes they do, though mainly with pain

With violence and suffering on us who they deign

And y’all still want to ask us why we are afraid?

Why we are so angry?

You ask us as you look at the mess that they’ve made

Some claim that we’re lying (what an ignorant lie)

But we’re lying on the ground full of holes as we die

[therealleafknight]

This Is Just To Say

I still remember When you Ordered pad thai For dinner

And you threw The peanuts Into my dish So suddenly

So ashamed of My onion love You tried To kill me

[therealleafknight]

Ricordo ancora

On this day I always remember The two little children Young, meek, and mild Those two nonbinary children who didn’t deserve to go Brought into the world only to be taken out By she who brought them here

If they had been me Then maybe their lives wouldn’t be taken in vain Maybe they’d live and survive somewhat sane Sure, they would struggle and feel some pain But alive they still would be

I live and I breathe and survive every day remembering Reminding myself that those two young children Nonbinary children who didn’t deserve to have their lights go out

Lucky I am to still be alive. Fearful, I live, hoping that I too won’t die.

[therealleafknight]

Cornupaucitas

Holidays are difficult. No matter how much I try to enjoy them, I can’t truly. I’ve always just watched every family celebrate or heard how it went for them back in school. They’d tell me a lot of people came over and had fun, how they ate so much food there with everyone. But for me it was always “Alright, I guess”.

I’d always notice that for everyone else, their holidays were never like mine. We’d always start out making both of us decide: will I be with my mother or my father this time?

With the former, the celebration would be quite drab. We would do very little if anything at all. Maybe we’d go to church and there’d be some food there, but I barely could eat any as the adults would take everything that was there and I never could get the things that I wanted. Or maybe we’d just stay in the house. We’d make a few things, my sister’d come over and we’d eat. Or maybe it was at a restaurant instead, if we were lucky. Either way, if my mother and sister had both gotten involved it’d turn out quite dicey. Maybe it was in the car or maybe it’d just be in the house. They would bicker and argue and yell and shout. It’d always feel embarrassing to me if we were in public. I remember at one point yelling “Sometimes I forget who’s really the child here since the two of you always bicker like kids”. Just felt embarrassing to be related to them in those moments. But then you grow up and later understand all the yelling and arguing, and you grow up and later understand that for many this isn’t how it goes. So then when people ask you “How was your holiday?”, you always just say “It was alright, I guess”.

With the latter, I would simply feel alone. I’d go to my uncle’s or maybe my aunt’s and they would just laugh and chat, reminisce and talk. I’d be stuck looking after my cousins and begging that they wouldn’t break anything cuz then I’d get in trouble. I’d stay up until 2 am, occasionally getting a moment to eat and trying my best to make a short game of monopoly last as long as humanly possible because maybe if I did they wouldn’t break anything this time. My uncles would be drinking the night away as they spoke to my dad, so many bottles of Red Stripe and Corona and everything else. I think that’s part of why I don’t like being in rooms where everyone is drinking, now that I think of it. It just reminds me of those holidays spent sitting around and feeling all alone. Unable to relate to the younger children around you. Unable to chat to the adults who were much, much older than you and impaired by their drink. So you sit there, quietly and grumble to yourself until 2 in the morning, a room filled with people and yet at the same time quite empty. No one there ever speaks to you, and even if they try to you know they don’t take you seriously and they’re not really listening. Not like they can anyway, even if they did want to. I look back at it and find it interesting, really. The idea that one can be in a room chock-full of people galore and yet feel like no one is really in there with them.

So when that time comes around again, I start feeling lonely cuz I know what is coming. I once again will make a choice. But this time, I get three choices on the day of. I can hide every aspect of what makes me who I am and attend a holiday with my father’s side once more. I can try to do something with my sister maybe and see what can occur. Or I can spend it how I usually do—alone in my room staring at my computer and phone and just waiting. Waiting outside the metaphorical window of houses celebrating, hoping to smell the food, to hear the laughter, to feel the joy. Because maybe, just maybe there will come a day when there is a major holiday that actually makes me feel like I belong.

If you’re reading this, future me, I hope that that day comes. And when it does, I want you to come back to the past and give me a hug. Cuz I know you know how much we both need one here in the past.

[therealleafknight]

Believe Me

When I showed you who I was the first time, you told me it was okay. I was dumb and full of love, so of course I believed you. You seemed so sure of yourself and aware of who I am. After all, when you first me, I was quite clear that I’m no man.

When I showed you who I was the second time, you filled me with doubt. You were crying and sobbing, retching and gagging. I felt all the worry I had a while back when my mother essentially disowned me when I had come out. Then you begged me and pleaded and said you would learn. And I? I was so stupid, my self-esteem low and my life without experiences of what healthy love looks like. So I said yes. I gave you a chance and kept my fingers crossed.

When I showed you who I was the third time, you had thrown me out. You had told your parents that I was a man and that I was your lover and that us two were grand. You were ashamed to ever tell them who I was but it all came out in the end when we met.

When I showed you who I was the fourth time, I was still stuck in depreciation and I stood by you. I never once thought that I could get anything better at all so I just took it all.

When I showed you who I was the fifth time, I was broken and tired. I just wanted love and to be desired. I gave in to more lies and more heartbreak yet still.

When I showed you who I was the sixth time, I’ll never forget those words. “You really are nonbinary.” Those words haunt me readily. They irk me to no end and I couldn’t know why. I had no words to say, no more tears to cry.

When I showed you who I was the seventh time, I finally threw you out. I finally woke up and understood without a doubt that you have to go away from me, you have to go out.

Yet now I’m left wondering here to myself. I showed you who I was, and asked you to believe me the first time. Yet why is it that I never believed you the first time the same? Are my abusive experiences and lack of good examples to blame? Am I just that stupid? Was I just unaware? Did you manipulate and gaslight my mind so I don’t think clear? Was I just not all there? Or did I just wish so badly to be loved and held dear?

[therealleafknight]

Bottles

Sometimes I wish that just maybe Maybe There’d be some events in which All of us grown ups can meet and talk And there aren’t any bottles No bottles there at all

Most things for adults involve parties and drinking And not so much moments filled convos and thinking I don’t know

I’m a square I’m not there But I’m here in my house Sitting in my underwear Under the sheets by my computer, hiding from fear Of a fear that arises from bottles and bottles

Cuz every time all those bottles remind me two things One more simple and perhaps all benign That bottles and bottles are not for my kind I just don’t like the feeling So unstable and chaotic It felt like I was splitting in twain

The other less benign A reminder of pain Of neglect and loud rooms filled with people all the same An off putting feeling of “I don’t belong” “I must leave, I must go, where are my people though” And then the uneasiness leaves when my dad says “Let’s go” And then he took me home

Is it a phobia? Is it really a fear? Or is it just some more trauma that won’t disappear?

I don’t know, I don’t know I’m a square I’m not there But I’m here in my house Sitting in my underwear Under sheets by my computer, hiding from pain Of a reminder that even in rooms full of people The moment there’s bottles and bottles Then I eventually will feel alone all the same.