theredmeans

[theredmeans]

I wonder if i should start tagging my shit as landmine posting. Gonna try it. On this one and on previous posts. Say hi ig ☆

[theredmeans]

god forbid a fag (me) catch a vibe (mourn my past, present, and future despite having an active social life full of people who care about me)

[theredmeans]

I gotta be smacked around a bit. actually I oughta smack a mf around too. both??? we can take turns???? two go in one comes out tho. something. I gotta go bonus stage on someone I literally deserve it

[theredmeans]

me when I run away from ppl who care abt me

[theredmeans]

And in 2023, my little one asked me if there would ever be a day I wouldn't be able to carry him. So I promised I'd start going to the gym so that when I came back 2 years later, I'd still be able to pick him up and swing him around. And hell, I was really bad at it, but I tried. I worried it wouldn't be enough, but then I thought about how affectionate and forgiving that baby was despite his age. He would grab both your hands and squeeze until your fingers turned blue, but you would never have the heart to say anything because he did it with nothing but adoration in his little round face. It kept me coming back twice a week, sometimes three.

I was supposed to have until November to finish proving myself. I was supposed to take you shopping, to play a breathless game of tag with you on the dirt road outside the house. I was supposed to teach you how to use that paint set you got as a kindergarten graduation gift. We were supposed to put more stickers on the wall and snicker to ourselves when grandma nagged us to take them down.

Instead, I found myself boarding a plane mid-May to meet you in a coffin, that very paint set placed gingerly by your side. I watched your classmates file in, one at a time, all just as small as you, suddenly coming face to face with mortality for the first time. Their parents hugged them like they feared their children would wander into the casket with you. Your teachers wept for you with such intensity, and I imagined the torment of having to clean your little desk out in the classroom.

And when the time came, I was able to pick you up, but you remained in that small, white coffin. We carried you all over the neighborhood, neighbors and friends throwing colorful rose petals in your wake. Not a thread of black clothing surfaced in the sea of people who loved you because you loved colors so much. Your mother, on her knees on the dirty streets of our little town, called for justice to be served. Your teachers wrote letters to the state. Your classmates wore their little voices out shrieking for justice, little voices begging their president to do something on national television.

And when it was all over and the streets cleared out, all that remained were flowers. One would think somebody had just gotten married. Yellow, blue, red, and white petals peppered the streets for days. Hell, they were still there the night I left. In the days following, nobody dared remove those petals. Some carefully stepped around them. I watched a child you once played with pick up a blue petal and plant a little kiss on it before blowing it away like a dandelion.

Little one, you are so loved and so intensely missed by everyone. I see traces of you in everything and your dark brown eyes in those of every child I pass down the street. I think I would've been able to lift you onto my shoulders, had the universe given us the privilege of meeting again under better circumstances. I suppose I'll have to wait until the next life to do so.

[theredmeans]

I won't forgive them

[theredmeans]

why the fuck am I still here if they killed my baby

[theredmeans]

the police won't look for the mother fuckers who killed my baby im going to hurt them i need to hurt them

[theredmeans]

hes gone hes gone hes gone hes gone forever they killed my baby

[theredmeans]

they fucking killed my baby they shot him they shot him in the chest he died instantly my baby they killed my fucking baby my baby my baby my baby my baby they killed him

[theredmeans]

they killed my baby.

[theredmeans]

what's it called when violence and violent thoughts become the main factor in avoiding sadness. does this make sense is anyone reading this.

[theredmeans]

what do I do when the thing i was most passionate about turns into heartache but the only one who turned it into that is my own stupid head

[theredmeans]

i have to go to work in 2 hours i cannot have an episode rn. i do not have time. fix urself, slut.

[theredmeans]

loving someone hurts oh so very much. my chest hurts! physically! owie! he didn't even DO anything im just fucked up! crazy

[theredmeans]

oh man. aw man. lol.

[theredmeans]

sorry ur bitchass stopped being desirable by the time u hit my age doesn't mean I'm gonna stop dressing like a slut! either love urself or keep me the hell outta ur own insecurities.