theriver-runs - Tumblr blog

[theriver-runs]

Dear God,

I know that in faith brings all good things at the end, but it doesn’t feel like that these days.. there has been so much negativity, so much trauma. And I’m still left overly responsible, still people-pleasing and still constantly feeling under appreciated for absolutely everything.

Every time I find myself complaining, there’s this little thing in my brain that reminds me of how all “good” women are usually remembered in a sense of how they “never complained”. True selflessness. I try to be. I try to look out for others, but I so often find myself bitter and jaded by the fact that it never seems like anyone is showing up for me. Yet I still overextend myself.

You know how so many people hate their birthdays? Mother’s Day is like that for me, too. My most toxic relationship in life has always been with my mother. Then there’s the fact that I haven’t been able to spend Mother’s Day with my own son in about 10 years. You have blessed me with two other children since then, and yet I am still here alone and in tears the day of.

I thought about getting baptized tomorrow. I almost did on Easter before The Accident. But I find myself further and further from You in my cynicism. It’s my own fault, but I look to those who have been truly saved by Your presence and I just feel so lost as to how I could ever get there myself.

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I just hope You can hear me, even though I’ve completely lost my voice in prayer. I owe You so much for everything You have ever blessed me with. My emptiness comes from myself internally and not from You. I just don’t know how to find my way back anymore.

[theriver-runs]

Dear God

Maybe this is an unorthodox platform for prayer- but it feels like the only way I might be able to start unloading some of the weights on my chest.

It used to be writing, and I always felt like typing was watered down compared to the catharsis that pen to paper gave me. But on April 8th my family was in a major car accident, and I broke my right arm. We were lucky, all things considered. The damage could have been so much worse. Although, as lucky and as blessed as I know that we were, I just can't seem to stop focusing on the trauma behind it all.

My one year old daughter was in the car, and my partner. I'm also 8 months pregnant. We were hit on our front passenger side by a car who came over on us while we were passing. and the impact threw us into a car that just so happened to be illegally parked in the perfect spot for us to hit them and lose the whole front of the car.

I spent 3 days in the hospital, and had to have emergency surgery to have my arm reconstructed which left me with a plate, 7 screws, and a good bit of my forearm bone disposed of.

It's been exhausting. And it doesn't help that immediately before this I was working overtime hours at work due to a staffing shortage. My job is pressuring me to come back. I wanted to transfer somewhere else which now may not be an option when I returned. My partner, while doing the absolute best that he can, is overwhelmed having to pick up so much extra responsibility as well as having to care more than usual both for myself and for our daughter. And we're less than 2 months away from another newborn.

The girl who hit us tried to evade giving her insurance information, and is trying to dispute us for fault. Thankfully we have more than enough evidence, I feel, to prove very transparently that it couldn't have been us who hit her. And I've received a letter in the mail from a provider from 2 years ago who SAed me during a session that he is pursuing me for $1900. The only reason I did not pay him was because after I stopped going there following the incident, he deliberately chose not to bill my health insurance as he was instructed to.

I just feel like everything is so upside down these days. I know that I need You, and I feel burdened by guilt that I am lacking so much in my devotion to You. I've felt lost for a long time, even before this, just in the midst of trying to navigate so much that I was so not prepared for. Recent events have just sunken me down to a state of self pity that I no longer want to be a prisoner to.

The closer I was to You, the happier my life has always been. My voice feels lost in a lot of ways right now, but maybe this could be a new start.

Thank You for everything that You are, everything that You have given me, for the luck and the blessings that You use to continuously bless and protect me and my family. Please continue to guide me, as best as I am able to receive, and know that my prayers run on in my heart- even when I lack the verbal words to express them.

On Your Day, Amen

[theriver-runs]

It would be so cool if there was a magic thing that made the void in my heart feel full for once. Nothing makes me happy for more than 10 minutes before I'm back to agonizing about life.

[theriver-runs]

it's really painful when u aren't ur favorite person's priority, it makes u question ur worth.

[theriver-runs]

take care of yourself

𓂃 ﾟ｡🎀 ⋆ ⟡ 𓂃 ﾟ｡🎀 ⋆ ⟡ 𓂃 ﾟ｡🎀 ⋆ ⟡ 𓂃

mentally — journal: do a brain dump · meditate · remove toxic people and triggering things from your life · recite self love affirmations · think happy thoughts · if negative thoughts come, it’s okay, that’s inevitable.. let them be but don’t let them stay · take walks to clear your mind (watch your surroundings-be careful) · block, unfollow, and mute accounts online that make you feel bad about yourself · disconnect from the world - social media - the news etc often in order to make peace your priority, reset and recharge

emotionally — allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling : cry - scream -laugh - smile .. let it out · process your feelings, the good and bad ones · try to understand them and try to work your way through them · journal daily · tell people how you feel and how they make you feel because keeping things like this bottled up isn’t good · be kind to yourself · be patient with yourself · know that your feelings are always valid and no one can ever tell you how to feel about something

physically — exercise · try yoga/pilates · drink enough water every day · try to eat breakfast lunch and dinner daily · brush your teeth in the morning and before bed · wash and deep condition your hair · don’t skip your skin care routine · get mani/pedis · practice good hygiene/shower regularly · moisturize your skin · get facials · get enough sleep · use sunscreen

[theriver-runs]

: ¨·.·¨ : ‌ ` ·. 🪩

: ¨·.·¨ : ‌ ` ·. if you’re reading this i hope you have the happiest day. i hope everything goes well for you, you have the best luck and everything works out in your favor. sending love your way , please accept

[theriver-runs]

One of the best lessons you can master in life is to master how to remain calm.

Unknown

[theriver-runs]

☁️ this month i will worry less

🪷 this month i will prioritize my healing

🕯️ this month i will prioritize self care

📖 this month i will prioritize my feelings

🪩 this month i will make sure to have more fun

🩰 this month i will be more gentle and kind to myself

[theriver-runs]

vanilla girl ♡

[theriver-runs]

[theriver-runs]

꒰ new week ꒱

begin again · be positive · be optimistic · leave last weeks negativity behind · be kind to your mind and body · drink your water · don’t skip meals · meditate · journal · make your happiness a priority · be productive · make time for rest and relaxation ☁️🪷🦢

[theriver-runs]

Places where reality is a bit altered:

• any target • churches in texas • abandoned 7/11’s • your bedroom at 5 am • hospitals at midnight • warehouses that smell like dust • lighthouses with lights that don’t work anymore • empty parking lots • ponds and lakes in suburban neighborhoods • rooftops in the early morning • inside a dark cabinet

[theriver-runs]

[theriver-runs]

Latest trend this October…

Embracing your natural beauty ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

• Minimal makeup that compliments your face. I go to school wearing Burt’s Bees tinted chapstick (literally my saviour 🤞) and that’s it. NOBODY CARES. LOVE YOUR FACE.

• Self care. Showering/bathing regularly. Exfoliating. Lip scrub. Moisturizing entire body. Beautiful natural products and scents. Gua sha (I will never stop talking about gua sha 😽🧘‍♀️). Hair oil. Simple skincare. Eyelash/eyebrow serum.

• Embrace the body hair, girl. This isn’t for everyone, but I say this because when I was WAYYY younger I would stress so much about shaving and needing to be hairless (and for what?). Now I only wax my underarms and below the knee, anything else I just trim.

• Healthy balanced diet. I’m talking eating nutritious, seasonal, whole foods that make you feel good (this does not mean restrict and only eat lettuce). NEVER SKIP OUT ON PROTEIN AND NUTRIENTS. + fibre if you’re not tying to get constipated.

• Affirmations and confidence. I am not lying when I tell you confidence and affirmations have changed my life. I’m still working on my confidence but it feels so good to compliment and love myself. I seriously be talking to the mirror like a crazy person 😭😭.

‘I love you so much. You did amazing today. You’re so smart. You’re so interesting. I love my body. I love my face. I’m so beautiful.’

Be confident and put yourself first.

Accept and celebrate your unique features <3

[theriver-runs]

⋆ 　　𓏲 ﾟ   🍁     ⟡      ✨

𝐎𝐜𝐭𝐨𝐛𝐞𝐫 will be a wonderful month, bringing us an abundance of love and light, healing energy, laughter, good health, amazing opportunities, new friendships, new experiences, clarity, and great news. sending positive energy and good vibes your way, please accept

ꕀ ⠀⠀ 🍂 ⟡ 　🤎 𑁯 ﾟ

[theriver-runs]

[theriver-runs]

Instagram credit: l_reads