thesecretdiaryofanasianactor

[thesecretdiaryofanasianactor]

5.1.25

I missed my workout...cuz I had trouble sleeping and my thumb is sprained. No one feels more disappointed in myself, than me.

Honestly, I think it's the coke I had during break at work that killed it for me. I really need to watch my caffeine intake cuz I'm just super sensitive to it.

I'm getting ready to go to that festival opening night party. I'm starting to learn, if the event is free, the parking is the fee for the night and that's worth it. Not getting towed, being in a safe place.

Also I need to get an oil change ._. I need to get a Prius or something..

[thesecretdiaryofanasianactor]

4.30.25

So I did my extra shift day...and I can do so much at that job to help other people.

I was on top of everything, helped pack. Made sure everyone had bibs, salt/pepper, and lemons for both to go customers and I also did it as a way to help out the servers.

I feel like I do so much for people. And I don't really get recognition for it...but I would like a small thank you. Everything kinda seems like...thankless.

I enjoy solving problems at work. I love helping.

Oh man...I want my skills to be used on set. This week I have the Asian American Pacific Film Festival happening. I got a haircut to freshen up. I last minute signed up for a panel about this show that I really have grown to love. So much Filipino representation. It excites me to no end.

The story is great, the friendship and relationships with the show are very strong. I really root for the main character in that. The Cleaning Lady is the show.

I'm a good person who can connect with people. I want to connect with good people, to help elevate the work...

Let's see what happens, shall we?

[thesecretdiaryofanasianactor]

4.29.25

I had the day off today and I surprisingly woke up at 7 am today. I ended up napping mid day, but overall it was a good relaxing day.

Watched the end of babygirl which surprised me cuz I didn't expect it to have so much meaning and thought to it. Definitely surpassed my expectations. Also...Antonio Banderas is HOT. Like for real. Always had a crush on him since his Zorro and Desperado days.

Josh also cooked some pasta, ended up sharing a lot with me which I appreciated. I'm glad to see him be doing better. He's active, running, cooking. He's not as sad.

He's also using this AI companion. Where he talks about his day, his feelings and what he's going through. Almost like a log. He showed me an example of him talking to the companion and...he sounds like a real person. Listening, responding. It's almost eerie. But I can see where it can help people. If it's helping him, then I'm all for it.

My meals arrive tomorrow. And I work a to-go shift as well. I haven't worked in to-go in forever. I'm nervous because I want to show a good example to my peers. Cleaning is what will be stressing me out I think.

But yeah overall today was a good rest day. I do need to get a haircut tomorrow, probably before my shift starts. I'll go shopping for a blazer and pants on Friday.

We'll see how tomorrow goes. ♥

[thesecretdiaryofanasianactor]

4.28.25 - May 1st approaches

And I'm a little bit worried. That I won't sleep early. That I'll fall of again. That I won't be consistent with the gym.

Sleeping early has been super tough. I need to discipline myself to go to sleep once I get home but it's so hard to do when you're out of work at 11.

I am trying though...I took 3 melatonin gummies a half hour ago. I'm a little drowsy. Need to brush my teeth.

But it's a start. Gonna leave babygirl playing in the background and I'm hoping that I wake up at 7.

I got some errands to run. Day off finally.

[thesecretdiaryofanasianactor]

4.27.25 - I'm still staying in bed til like noon...

And it's got me feeling a bit sad about it. But I'm trying to put myself into action and start things...like a youtube, continuing to stream, putting myself out there by going to film festival parties and events to meet other filmmakers.

I'll write down my goals here tomorrow.

Today at work I'm more confident as a shift lead. Confident in cutting people when the work and cleaning is done.

I'm excited for the first of May...that is when my cookunity meals are gonna be delivered and when I'm gonna start working out again. I do need to get in the habit of sleeping early.

There's a lot of stuff I wanna do...just gotta not be stuck.

Today's post doesn't make sense and it doesn't have to make sense to you. It just makes sense for me. And that's okay.

[thesecretdiaryofanasianactor]

4.26.25 - I swear...

This blog has become a mood log. I downloaded social media again...mainly IG. X...I use for other things >.>

But right away after getting it I am bombarded with the ugliness of this Earth and...it immediately makes me sad, angry, depresses me...and it's not healthy.

We carry so much power within this fucking phone. I kinda wish I was back in the 2000s. Hell maybe even the 90's. We were so carefree and uninformed and ignorant but happy or lighter. I think people who consumed the news was feeling somewhat the same things we're feeling consuming social media. And the thing is what comes out now has been heavily biased.

It seems like being human and kind and humane comes second in this world. Proving a point...being ego led comes in first.

I should start doing videos. Probably just insecure about my voice. I"m a guy, and I love being a guy. I just don't have a manly I feel. But that's the least of my problems.

I want to grow in this world but there's not many people who want to grow with me.

[thesecretdiaryofanasianactor]

4.25.25 - Today I felt so happy and positive

Not sure what happened today. I was in a chipper mood. The 3pm full day shift went by very very quick. There wasn't anything that could bring me down today.

My mind has been in a better more healthy place more now than ever in the past month. It's so weird how the brain can switch.

Hoping there isn't something wrong goin on with me mentally.

I really think the Sinners movie boosted me with inspiration and hope. That movie is a masterpiece. So well made, very well acted, I loved every moment.

I've been watching shows like The Pitt and that show...is so great. There's so many projects I want to be a part of.

Today's a short entry...and that's okay.

♥

[thesecretdiaryofanasianactor]

4.24.25 - Being present

I think I've been feeling the best I've been feeling in the past how many weeks (maybe month).

Yesterday my bestfriend Josh took me out and we watched Sinners with our friend Caleb. The movie to me was extraordinary. The acting was great, the story was original. It was very very well done. It filled me with inspiration. Inspiration of why I want to be in this field. Why I want to do what Michael B Jordan does, Hailee Steinfeld, Yao...

It made me happy and leave the theatres with wonder and appreciation of acting and filmmaking and storytelling.

I think the past month I've spent my time just...in distress, self loathing, with the thoughts of, "I've been here so long. When will it be my time?"

I need to let go of that to be present. To be filled with joy and wonder and appreciate what I have now. I have worked so hard these past years. More than a decade to get to the caliber of where I am now. I know my past self would be very proud of where I am today. Why is it so hard for me to be proud of myself? Why do I continue to be hard on myself?

Acting is something I am very good at. It's taken a lot for me to have the confidence to even say just that. To have the backbone to say "Yeah, I'm an actor". I remember I used to be afraid of it...or maybe just shy. Because when I say that, people automatically say "what have I seen you in?"

Now although the list is small, I have been in things people have seen. I'm excited for what's to come.

I know my worth. I know that I will do my very best in every role I do. I will create a calm and team oriented work environment in whatever project I lay my hands on. I have the talent to back it up, and the kindness to be memorable. I just need more confidence, which I will get.

I know it.

[thesecretdiaryofanasianactor]

4.23.25 - I am sad.

In July, when I went through my breakup, I put myself through working out eating clean and changing my life because I needed to focus on something else other than being single.

Now that it's been about 9 months since, I have been feeling very empty. I'm in the "fuck it I don't care anymore" phase. And I hate it.

I've stopped working out. Stopped eating clean. I've reverted back to my original habits. The industry has been slow too and it...makes me anxious.

I still for some weird reason am calm about my future. I still have this unwavering feeling that everything will work out. Everything will be okay. I've been so positive...is it just catching up to me?

Honestly, I've been out here in LA for the past almost twelve years. Nothing is steering me away, but this stillness, this feeling of myself plateauing and going back to my old self is...causing me some deep grief and self loathing.

I really want this to go away. I don't know how...yeah I'll work out again. Need to sleep earlier. Need to eat more. I need to do all these things but life is just keeping me in my bed.

I'm really hoping for something to just turn my life around. I feel like I've done a lot in order to get to where I am.

Just gotta keep on keeping on.