theseviolentdelightss

[theseviolentdelightss]

Counting Paths XVII

Series Summary: After a lifetime on the run from the Empire, Reader makes a move that could have drastic impacts for both friend and foe. A Reader insert/fanfic. Gifs belong to their respective owners.

Word Count: 4386

Author’s Note: Sorry again for the wait.

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part VIII Part IX Part X Part XI Part XII Part XIII Part XIV Part XV Part XVI

It was cold when you awoke. Eyes fluttering slowly as the memories came flooding back. The cantina, the code black, running yourself ragged which would explain why it felt as if someone had taken every muscle in your body and rung them out like a soaked cloth.

“Called it!” The sound of Roland's voice, while a small comfort, did nothing to stifle the pounding in your head nor the ringing in your ears. It rather enhanced it, earning an agitated groan from you as your eyes struggled to adjust. “Two hours and fourteen minutes, everybody pay up!”

All around you came the sound of grumbles. Money being dug out of pockets and wallets as Roland chuckled proudly. His paw out and ready for the taking.

“Did you seriously take bets on how long I would be passed out?” You asked coolly once the crowd had cleared. Narrowing your eyes as you stared down the older rebel, hands over flowing with newly acquired credits.

“No...” Roland stuttered. If you hadn't known better you would have sworn you saw guilt in his eyes as he adverted his gaze. Catching a glimpse of your reflection it was easy to see why.

Fainting from exhaustion and dehydration had done you no favors. The color in your cheeks had yet to return and your hands trembled as you ran them over your face. Apparently the first medic on site had struggled to find a vein, leaving the inside of your elbow an abstract mess off deep purple and sickly yellow skin. The bruise bloomed around the needle in your arm like a dying violet. Growing more gruesome by the moment.

When word first made it to Roland that you had ran out of the bunker with less than three minutes to spare he had assumed it was just another rumor. They seemed to have been following you as of late. Sprouting like weeds about your feet. It was only when Penny began to panic, pushing through the rows of bunks and cots towards the small infirmary area that he began to believe it. Nearly 30 flights of stairs and you had ran it three times in under five minutes. It was no wonder the exhaustion had gotten the better of you, not to mention the liquor. “Well maybe-”

“Give it!” You held your hand out, turning your attention away as you waited.

Dragging his feet Roland placed the pile of money into your palm. Licking your thumb you flipped through it before handing over a small percentage.

“Finders fee.” You smirked softly, feeling your head beginning to clear.

Following the IV in your arm you recognized the mixture hanging above you. A combination of saline and nutrients. Glancing around it was obvious that you weren't the only casualty of today's surprising great escape. A handful of cots sat occupied in the dimness. Strangers with swollen ankles and knees, a man with a thick piece of gauze wrapped about his head. Even from this distance you could spot where the blood had began to seep through. On the cot nearest you Penny lay dozing with no sign of visual injuries. Gently pushing aside her red curls you couldn't help but chuckle as the drool ran down her cheek. For now she would be fine, the hangover wouldn't hit her till she woke up.

“Where's Zara?”

“Off sleeping I think. Took some skinny kid half an hour to convince her you'd be fine.” Roland replied. “Want me to go tell her you're up?”

“No let her rest.”

“They need you.” Roland's eyes again shifted to the ground as he spoke. “In the control room.”

“Why?” You asked, unsure as to why the Rebellion saw need to punish you so quickly. Sure, you had disobeyed a direct order which in itself wasn't a first, but no one had gotten seriously hurt. Minus the guard you had punched but he had it coming. You still had the scar beneath your hairline from where he had struck you long ago. That was well worth a week of messhall duty. Still, that wasn't an urgent matter, not enough to warrant a trip to the control room in the middle of a code black no less.

“The hell if I know.” Roland spit bitterly. He was an amazing soldier yet for all his military prowess he hated authority more than a hormonal teenager.  “Captain Andor ordered me to stay here and fetch ya as soon as you woke up so hop to it.”

“You do see the IV in my arm right?”

Licking his thumb and forefinger Roland reached forward, snatched the plastic butterfly wings on either side of the thin needle and slid it out from under your skin like a warrior drawing a sword.

“For fucks sake Roland!” You hissed, reaching up to smack the curly haired man across the back of the head. What had only moments before been a dull ache now stung white hot. “There's a reason people don't actually do that you jackass!”

A half roll of gauze and a handful of curses later Roland was escorting you through the dark tunnels that lead to the lowest level. To keep the temperature from spiking most everyone had been spread out among the various floors. The bunker itself had seven and at its heart sat the war council. The most highly concentrated area of people and still it did nothing to stave off the cold. By the time you made it through the beehive of workers busy at various consoles and tablets you could faintly see your breath in front of your face. Wrapping your arms around yourself you tried to find some degree of warmth. Dragging the sleeves of your jacket over the palms of your hands as Roland motioned you forward.  

“Baby...” Roland muttered, side eyeing you as you began to shiver.

“Not all of us have been blessed with blubber to keep us warm.” You replied, eyeing Roland's protruding gut. Typically you weren't one to shame a person for their body but considering this was the same man who had only minutes before ripped an IV from your arm, you found it in yourself to make an exception. Thankfully it shut him up, allowing you a few moments of silence before coming to a stop outside a large set of wooden double doors. Unlike most on base these had been built in the old style that swung inwardly rather than sliding open or closed.

“From here on out your on your own kid.” Roland leaned against the wall as he spoke, retrieving a small knife from his pocket he began to pic the dried grease out from under his fingernails.

Sighing you knocked on the old wood nervously. The door opened with a low groan, kicking up a whirl of dust around your feet as you slipped inside. The space was noticeably cooler, the mood even more so.

“Sargent L/N please come forward.” Mon Mothma spoke calmly as always. She was a decent and honorable woman but that didn't mean her composed demeanor wasn't hiding an ugly truth.

Perhaps they had finally decided you were too much of a liability.

Maybe this most recent act of defiance truly was the last straw.

Stepping forward into the dim light your eyes scanned the various faces for anyone who might speak on your behalf. Cassian's dark eyes found you instantly, as if your gaze had been magnetically drawn to him. He stood with his arms crossed, jaw tense as if he were grinding his teeth. Draven sat at the large wooden table that stood in the center of the room. A massive piece carved with the same script and symbols as the door behind you. It had likely been there as long as the temple itself. Standing strong for hundreds of years. You couldn't help but drag your fingers across the surface as you made you way to your seat. 

“We have serious matters to discuss.”

The edge to the ginger haired woman's tone might have upset you if it weren't for a sickening realization, one that washed over you like an icy wave.

“Where is Theodren?” You asked instantly, trying hard to hide the fear growing inside you. The silence that followed was no help, seconds ticking by like hours as you waited. “Where is-”

“We don't know.” Mon Mothma replied, her tone gentler than before yet straight to the point. No time for curtsies. “Commander Theodren had departed for Bakura shortly before we were alerted of an Imperial patrol entering our atmosphere. Until the code black has been lifted any attempts to contact him are impossible.”

It felt as if the floor had been ripped out from beneath you. That weightless feeling of falling that jolts you awake. Surely you must be dreaming. Your luck may have been notoriously bad but this was nightmarish. Grabbing a hold of the table for support you allowed your body to slump into the chair nearest you. Mon Mothma continued to speak, for how long you can't be sure, it wasn't until General Draven snapped his fingers in front of your face that your mind cleared. Glazed eyes blinking for the first time in minutes.

“Sergant L/N?” Mothma spoke calmly, holding out a hand to hush Draven as she stepped closer. The room was dim but it may as well have been pitch black. Even with eyes open you looked but did not see. It was only Theodren you thought of and the space where he should have stood. “You're bleeding.”

The words had no sooner left the woman's mouth when you felt the first drop collide with the back of your hand. Closing your eyes tightly you allowed a second and third to fall before reaching for the source. A stream of blood trailed from your right nostril. Stickily coating your fingertips and leaving the taste of metal on your lips. Out of the corner of your eye you watched as Cassian moved forward. His face calm and composed as ever. Before he could step any further you were already standing. Hand held firmly against your nose trying in vain to stem the flow. It made sense, your tears had long ago been used up, only blood remained to spare.

“I apologize...” You muttered, pushing yourself away from the table and towards the large doors you had came in through. They sprawled open rather easily at your touch. The chill of the room a distant memory as the heat bloomed at the base of your neck and began to spread. The mix of worry and fear enveloping you as you searched for an exit, not caring where it went. It was solitude you yearned for. A space of your own where you could internalize the wars currently raging between your head and your heart.

Sighing you spotted a door that led through yet another dark hallway. Pushing your way further down till the last door stood waiting. Without so much as a knock you let yourself in. The stale smell of dust and age rushing up to greet you as you stepped inside. Rows of empty shelves lined the walls. The pale light above flickering out as you settled to the floor.

You hadn't prayed in years. After everything you had done you doubted the anyone would pay you so much as a passing thought. Still, even as the cold seeped through your bones you found yourself murmuring the words. Blood stained hands held tightly together.

“I didn't know you prayed.”

“I don't-” You replied, red eyes adjusting to the small lantern the captain held in his hands. “not usually at least.”

“Neither do I.”

“Why not?”

“Because they were never answered.” Cassian's eyed you cautiously as he knelt in front of you. Noting that the bleeding that had provided you a perfect out had yet to stop. Sitting the lantern to the side Cassian dug his hands into his pocket, retrieving a clean rag he leaned forward to press it delicately around your nose.

“Mine were never answered either.” Your voice felt small as you reached forward, trying to take a hold of the rag yourself, expecting Cassian to let go yet he held on.

“What were you thinking?”

“Excuse me?”

There was no hiding the tone to your voice. It was one thing to question yourself. The last thing you needed right now was Cassian doing the same.

“I told you to stay where you were.” Cassian replied calmly, ignoring your weak attempt at an attitude.

“I never told you how my brother died, did I?” That caught him off guard. The frustration draining from his eyes as he gazed back at you. “Come to think of it, I'm not sure I ever mentioned him at all...”

Settling onto the floor with a thump Cassian let the rag slip from his grip. His expression gentler than before, clearly this new revelation was not what he had been expecting.

“His name was Willis I had just turned eight when he was born. I was so excited. I'd finally have a friend that I wouldn't have to say goodbye to after a few months...but mama died on the birthing bed so I had to step up. It wasn't easy, especially not at first. I was still just a kid myself, and a part of me hated him for taking my mother away, but that didn't last. He was too kind, too gentle to hate and he was so smart. He could be a real brat about it too, always correcting my spelling.” You chuckled lightly, losing yourself in a memory for one brief moment.

“He heard it first, woke me up. I thought he was just having another bad dream but then I heard it too. It all happened so fast, the chaos, the slaughter. It started in the outlying villages but it didn't take long to make its way into the city. All of the sudden they were in the streets, kicking down your door, coming through your front room window. That's when the exodus started. I had never seen anything like it. All around us the buildings were going up in flames. You could hear people screaming. I passed the body of the baker who had made my bread that morning lying in a gutter as we fled. His face was gone but I recognized his apron. It felt like we were at war.”

“Antar IV.” Cassian said quietly, turning his head to face you. “The massacre. You were there?”

Nodding you tried to steady your breathing. It had been years since you had spoken about that night and for good reason. Anytime it came up you felt your pulse quicken, the cold sweat forming on the back of your neck. As if some small part of you was forever trapped in the moment and just for a second it had pulled the rest of you under. Drowning you on dry land.

“I lost my father's hand in the crowd, my brother begged me to go back, but I had promised...so I didn't. I couldn't. I wanted to more than anything but I knew if I stopped, if I looked back we would both be lost. So I lied. I told him we would meet my father at the ship. The old man had been working on the same one for ages, kept it docked at this little hole in the wall station he worked at. I thought for sure by the time we got there all that would be left was ash and rubble but there it stood. No more than twenty yards away. I was moving so fast I didn't even see him until-”

You voice hitched in your throat with a weak shudder. The hairs on the back of your neck standing on end as you began to run your hands up and down your thighs.

“I begged him to let us go. We were just children. I swore to him we wouldn't tell anyone, not a soul, but he just put us in his sights.” Turning your eyes to the ceiling you were happy not to have to look at Cassian's face as he heard what came next. “I tried to move Willis out of the way, but he had twisted his ankle during the run and I was carrying him. All I could do was turn around, try to cover him with myself but it didn't make any difference. That fucker cut us down like we were nothing.”

“How did you survive?” Cassian asked softly.

“I drove a screw driver through his eye and out the back of his skull.” You replied coolly, the sadness in your voice replaced with an entirely different emotion. “The first life I ever took and it didn't even matter. Willis died anyways. He bleed out in my arms. One second he was crying and trying to say something and then he just...went still. I had never seen someone die before but I watched as the spark drained from my brothers eyes, and that pain...”

Again you had to stop, try to calm your thumping heart as it pounded away against your chest. There was a reason you avoided this subject. It was always painful to speak of, but now with Theodren's fate so uncertain it only served to frighten you more. To remind you of what it felt like to lose someone you love.

“I didn't think I'd ever get over it so I locked that part of me away. Stopped caring about everything and everyone.”

Across from you Cassian shifted, leaning his back against the wall as he took in all you had to say. Not entirely sure if he should be relieved that you were sharing so much with him or worried. Crossing his arms to stave off the chill he watched as you fidgeted with your hands, pulling at the edges of your sleeves, tucking those relentless loose curls behind your ears. His own hands itched to reach out, take a hold of your own and still them but he thought better of it. Now wasn't the time.  

“I didn't join the Rebellion because I wanted to be a hero Cassian. I didn't give a damn about glory. A quick death was all I wanted, but then I met Theodren, and he was alone too. He was the only one that ever...he was my one true friend. I lost him once already, I don't want to lose him again.”

“You won't.” Cassian said with a bit too much certainty, overcompensating in his hopes of comforting you. “Theodren is the smartest person I know. I'm sure once this code black has lifted you'll hear from him.”

“Why are you here Cassian?” You asked suddenly, the urge to be alone over powering your usual politeness.

“I was worried about you.” He replied, not defensive in the least. A welcome surprise given your own change in demeanor.  “Didn't want you to be alone.”

“I appreciate that Cassian, truly I do, but you don't have to worry about me.” You stated, maintaining your full attention on him. Noting the subtle change in the distance between the two of you. Typically the captain preferred to put added space between the both of you yet today seemed the expectation.

“Look, I worry.” He stated simply, laying his hand out flat in a gesture to simply accept that fact and let it go. “Just promise me you won't do anything stupid.”

“Cass I-” Chewing your bottom lip you considered lying, it would be easiest for everyone but Cassian deserved the truth. “It's Theodren, if there is even a small chance I have to try.”

“Are you in love with him?” Cassian asked, his eyes glued intensely to your own.

“Who?” You scoffed. “Theodren?”

The dark haired rebel nodded sheepishly and in that moment you could have kissed him because despite everything that had happened Cassian had managed to do the unthinkable. He made you laugh. No sweeter a gift could he have given you in that moment.

“What?” You half chuckled, the very idea of it still tickling your sides. Not that Theodren wasn't a catch, it was just so far removed from anything you could have imagined. The two of you had been best friends for years and not once had there been even an inkling of romance. “No! Of course I love him but Theodren is like family to me.”

“I understand.”

“Are you alright?” You asked, watching as Cassian began to draw in on himself. Scooting himself to sit with his back straight and flush against the wall. Hands swiftly shoved into the pockets of his jacket.

“I'm fine.” He replied but you simply shook your head. How the hell was this guy a spy?

“You're a shitty liar you know that.” You nudged Cassian's knee with your foot as you spoke. Thankful that the tension had for a moment been lessened enough to catch your breath.

“Only with you.” His answer was short but it was enough to return the tension tenfold.

Whelp, that didn't last long...

“And that bothers you?”

“I'd be a fool if it didn't.” Cassian's brows knitted as he spoke, looking any where but at you.

“Why?” Leaning forward you grabbed a hold of Cassian's hand and squeezed it tightly. “What's so wrong with being honest with me?”

“You're always saving people.” Cassian said simply, at last turning his gaze to meet your own.

“What-”

“Just-just listen.” He insisted calmly and you couldn't blame him. You were well aware of your bad habit of interrupting people. It wasn't that you were rude, some people just spoke so slowly by comparison.

“You're always saving people. You saved Zara, you saved Roland, hell you saved me the night we met. Its who you are.” Sighing Cassian let his eyes drift to where your fingers sat wrapped around his own. Your knees inching closer, unwilling to give in to his poor attempt at gaining distance.  

“When I came down here I wanted to yell at you, to tell you that you were being foolish, convince you to stop...but I can't because that's not you.” Shaking his head Cassian smiled gently, his eyes warmer than before. Filled with an emotion you couldn't quite peg down but you were all too aware of how it made you feel.

“What's so wrong with that?” You half whispered.

“Nothing.” Cassian answered, turning your hand over in his own. Fingertips softly tracing along the lines of your palm. “Nothing, it just frightens me.”

“Cass I'm fine, seriously you don't have to worry-” You tried to put on your best smile as you spoke. If Cassian truly worried about you the least you could do was assure him you would try your best to stay alive. It was a bit of a priority anyways but if it mattered to someone else why not try harder?

Even if you weren't sure how to feel about it.

“And what if you weren't?” He asked sharply, turning the tables and instead interrupting you. “I know why you went back for Zara. I know why you want to go after Theodren. Because what if something happens and you could have done something but didn't? Then that's on you right? But if you go back and something happens to you then that's on me.”

“I'm not your responsibility anymore.” 

“It's not like that.”

“Then what is it?” You pushed, trying to hide the faintest hint of desperation in your voice. As if months of second guessing had inevitability lead you here. “What are you so afraid of Cassian?”

“You want to know what I'm afraid of?” Cassian eyes burned as he leaned closer, bursting the tiny bubble of personal space that existed between the two of you. “Losing you.”

And there it was. The truth you had been running from. It wasn't often that you felt vulnerable. It wasn't the sort of thing you were allowed, not if you wanted to stay alive.

“Your turn, no bullshit this time.” Cassian said, his mouth twitching as he spoke.

Taking a sharp breath through your nose you allowed yourself a moment of rational thought. To think of how very wrong this may all go. How much you could stand to lose, but that moment ended.

Unblinking you watched as Cassian's eyes flickered with longing. Something you only now realized had been there all along. They continued to follow your every move, watching as you inched closer until your knee dug into his thigh. Trembled and shifted. A pale hand snaking its way along the back of his neck. For a moment Cassian felt as if his brain had stalled, unable to process what was happening like a teenager second guessing themselves, but then you kissed him, putting those fears to rest in an instant. It was everything he had remembered from that night many months ago when he had first stolen a taste. 

Only now there was no limit. No hesitance.

It surprised you as well, how easily you melted into his grasp. Calloused hands swept along your sides until your shirt began to bunch between his fingers. The touch of his skin burning as it grazed your own. Feather light fingers threading through your hair as he pressed you against him.

Sometime later after you finally gave in to the need for oxygen did you allow the reality of what had just happened sink in. The terrifyingly true severity of it washing over you all at once. Still, it was impossible not to smile and lean into the palm of Cassian's hand as he held you close. Foreheads pressed against one another. So close you could feel his every exhale on your skin.

“That.” You finally admitted, knowing for certain that you were now well and truly fucked.

[theseviolentdelightss]

[theseviolentdelightss]

[theseviolentdelightss]

Counting Paths XVI

Series Summary: After a lifetime on the run from the Empire, Reader makes a move that could have drastic impacts for both friend and foe. A Reader insert/fanfic. Gifs belong to their respective owners.

Word Count: 3921

Author’s Note: Sorry again for the wait.

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part VIII Part IX Part X Part XI Part XII Part XIII Part XIV Part XV

“Wait, what?”

It had been too long a day for Penny to expect you to understand her own special brand of sexual pseudoscience.

“Fuck, do I really need to put training wheels on for you again?”

Glancing over the top of your cocktail you nodded. Trying not to chuckle as the younger rebel sighed. Dragging her fingers through her hair in frustration.

“It's simple. For every ten pounds an overweight guy looses he gains a visible half inch.”

“Of dick?” You deadpanned.

“Yes! Finally she gets it!” Penny shouted, throwing her arms in the air and catching the attention of half the fellow cantina patrons. Penny may have been small but what she lacked in size she more than made up for in personality. A fiery thing with the hair to match, all red and wild curls.

“So you're telling me that you're into chubby guys because they're literally growers not showers?”

“Exactly.” Penny answered with a smile. Winking at you as she finished off her glass before pushing herself out of her seat and towards the bar.

Roland had waltzed in a few minutes ago and Penny was just waiting for the chance to pounce. It seemed so odd at first that a bubbly little pixie like Penny would have a crush on one of the most unfit impolite rebels on base but as time went on you could sense a genuine affection growing between the two.

Perhaps opposites really do attract.

Shaking your head to clear the haze you watched from a distance. Today had been long. Though it was technically your vacation you had spent the last six hours trying and failing to repair the capacitor coils on Penny's ship. It was tedious work but at least the weather had been beautiful and you could still feel the sun's heat clinging to your skin.

“Need a refill?”

Cassian's voice broke through the hustle and bustle yet still somehow managed to sound quiet. Withheld. 

“Thanks.” Reaching forward you handed Cassian your glass and waited as he made his way to the bar. Things had been busy on base lately, leaving the cantina much less crowded than usual. Giving the corner you sat in a comfortable sense of privacy.

“Here.” Cassian returned only a few moments later, handing the cool glass of dark raspberry liquor over to you.

Digging into your pocket you retrieved your money but Cassian simply waved it off. Thanking him for the drink you gestured towards Penny's empty stool. Not likely that she would be returning anytime soon. Silently the captain took a seat. One elbow propped against the table as he slowly began rubbing his temples. Eyes closed tight as the wrinkles formed like shallow valleys atop his forehead.

“Draven again?” You asked, carefully sipping at your newly filled glass, afraid the slightest hitch or movement would send it rushing over the brim and into your lap. The bar tender working tonight always had a heavy hand when it came to pouring drinks. Suffice it to say he was also your favorite.

“He thinks we need to lock down our smuggling routes to a set of small specific ports.” Cassian replied, running a tired hand over his face as he spoke. Strands of hair falling onto his forehead like always.

“Why in the hell would he want to do that?” You couldn't stop your voice from climbing an octave or two. When it came to bad ideas this one fell right in the 'lets set ourselves on fire to keep from freezing' column of stupidity. 

Not to mention it effected you directly. As in 'you're now ten times as likely to die on the job'directly.

“Says it'll be more secure, less chance of drawing attention.”

“That is so painfully backwards I don't think I have the current mental capacity with which to explain it.”

Chuckling softly Cassian nodded his agreement. Popping off the top of his drink to take a large swig.

“What's going on over there?” He asked, tilting his head in the direction of where Penny and Roland sat at the bar. Each inching closer to the other by the minute.

“Puppy love and way too much scotch.” You laughed, smiling at the beautiful absurdity of it.

“You think that's a good idea?” Cassian asked cautiously, his eyes scanning your face as you smiled. The fire from the liquor beginning to flicker in your eyes. You could feel the warmth of it coursing through your veins. Making you feel bolder than usual. Most times you would have understood Cassian's hesitancy; yet ever since Maiv's death, moments like this seemed to carry more weight. You had always known that life was fragile, unstable, and uncertain but now you felt it in earnest. Causing you to open your mind to doors you would have otherwise left closed.

“Yea, I mean why not? We're at war after all.”

“And that supports your argument how?” Cassian asked. A wrinkle of confusion forming in between his brows as he glanced between yourself and the odd couple at the bar.

“Simple: death is what gives life meaning. To be surrounded by it constantly. To know your days are numbered and that any moment could be your last...it makes them all that more precious.”

“That's a pretty sentiment.” Cassian replied.

He was right, it was a pretty sentiment but it wasn’t realistic, at least not in your experience. It seemed as if every time you allowed yourself to feel such things it inevitably led to suffering. Not once or twice, not mere coincidences, but a pattern of poor luck and bad timing that had began at your birth and continued on to this day. Always it left you wanting, feeling more alone than before. As if you could feel that stark empty space inside your heart growing bit by bit. Whispering words of doubt. Insisting that it was better not to hope for such things. Ashamed of how easily you tossed your feelings onto your sleeve the moment you got a bit too tipsy.

“So what's stopping you?” Cassian asked so softly you weren't sure you had heard him correctly. It wasn't like the captain to be so direct with his questioning when it came to things like this. Why address the elephant in the room when it is so much easier just to dance around it?

Things had changed between the two of you. There was no more denying it.

Nearly two weeks it had been and yet you could still smell his cologne clinging to your hair. The feel of his warm arms draped around your waist. How he pulled you close in his sleep, burying his his face in the crook of your neck.

Taking another long swig from your drink you straightened your back. Trying to calm the climbing rate of your heartbeat as you turned to face Cassian. His eyes a dark sea of emotions. Impossible to pin down. Typically he was easier to read but lately his actions; the stolen glances, the light touches, had left you at a loss.

The silence hung between Cassian and yourself as you racked your brain for a response. How does one convey so much, so many thoughts and emotions into a series of simple words? It was hard enough admitting it to yourself even as you laid in his grasp. The flutter of your heart racing as you felt his lips press against your forehead.

“I could ask you the same thing.” You finally defected. It was a poor move on your part but you didn't have many other options.

“Ah that's not fair!” He insisted, pulling his stool closer to the table as he spoke. “I asked you first.”

“What are we five?”

He was so close now that you could feel his arm brush against your own. Could see the quick intake of his breath. The short yet heavy sips he took from his bottle. 

He was nervous.

“I'm serious.” All the childish humor made a sudden albeit clean break from his voice.

“Maybe I'm afraid.” You muttered, circling the rim of your glass with wet fingertips until it began to hum.

“You're never afraid.” Cassian stated surely. As if it were as obvious a fact as the knowledge that humans require oxygen to breathe. If only he had been right.

“Who says that I'm not?” Your eyes shot up to meet his as your hand dropped to the table. The once growing hum silenced in an instant.

“Well I've seen you put down two heavily armed troopers single handily, watched you take on a dozen goons on Nar Shaddaa, had to stop you from running into a pile of burning ruble to save a stranger, and half the rebels on base have started calling your the 'Ravanger reaper'.”

“Please tell me that's not a real thing.” You groaned, shaking your head in disbelief.

“Courtesy of your curly haired co-pilot.” Cassian replied, leaning his bottle in Roland's direction.

“Ah the poet of Yavin IV.” You chuckled, hoping to swiftly change the subject. “Such an honor.”

“Doesn't mean it isn't true.”

Damn it, Cassian knew you to well.

“Take it from me, I'm afraid of plenty.” You assured him.

“Like what?”

“Hmm...small spaces, sharp objects, sink holes-”

“You’re just naming off things that start with the letter ‘s’!” Cassian argued.

“No I’m not!” You insisted though the laughter in your eyes said other wise.

“Y/N please...”

You couldn't suppress the shudder that escaped your lips nor the prickle at the back of your neck. Cassian normally called you 'Ash or Ashara' just like everybody else. After all it was what you had wanted. It was safest. Still you couldn't deny the way the sound of your true name rolling off his lips made you feel. It was as if you were back in the cramped alley on Nar Shaddaa. You could almost feel the pressure of his hand atop your hip. His warm breath as he rested his forehead against your own. Lips sore from feverishly dancing with one another.

“I'm scared of ending up by myself.” You admitted, thanking whatever deity that may be reigning above that saw fit to bless the galaxy with alcohol. How else could you have managed to keep your nerves in check if it weren't for the sweet liquor coursing through your veins? “After everything that's happened...I guess I'm just scared of ending up alone.”

“You can't be that blind.” Cassian scoffed, narrowed eyes glancing around the cantina as patrons slowly began filtering in.

“The hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Look around you.” Cassian said, his voiced laced with a pinch of aggression.

Turning atop your stool you took in the tables nearest you. Truthfully most of them were acquaintances you had worked with in the hangar or on missions together. Some looked away as soon as your eyes met while others merely returned your gaze. One, a handsome ginger haired X-wing pilot named Orno, even winked as he tilted his drink towards you. “See?”

“It's not like that.” You replied, a tad hurt by his assumption.

“Than what is it?” He asked calmly despite the fact that he was now drinking from an obviously empty bottle just to keep his hands busy. “What are you so scared of?”

Cassian hadn't intended to bring this up today. He hadn’t intended to bring it up at all, but certainly not here of all places; yet, he couldn't help himself. For months you had infected his thoughts and for months he had managed to push it aside, bury it beneath his work yet for the last twelve days it was as if you had consumed him entirely. Body and soul. No matter what he did his mind constantly found itself wandering back to you. The way you had molded yourself into his side. Your delicate fingers twirling strands of his hair in your sleep.

You had just opened up your mouth to reply when you heard it. The loud unmistakable blast of the base's siren system.

One set of three short blasts meant the arrival of a high ranking member of the rebellion. These were fairly common, occurring once or twice a month. More often than not most everyone ignored them.

A second indicated sever weather. Yavin IV's climate was typically temperate but the occasional cyclone would spring up. Requiring the grounding of all flights while the pilots scrambled to get any ships docked outdoors into the safety of the hangar.

A third alerted a code black. An Imperial sighting. The base would black out and go into a complete lock down. Ships in the air would be redirected while all signs of life were hidden deep beneath the belly of the massive temple that served as the Rebellion’s head quarters.

At the first alert most patrons simply turned their attention upwards, some ignored it completely, too engorged in their drinks. The second sent a chorus of grumbles and sliding chairs as pilots rose to their feet in no great hurry, ready to spend the next half hour shuffling ships into safety. The third was followed only by silence. A momentary disbelief in what had just been heard.

“Clear channels to control room, this is General Draven. All forces on base prepare to execute code black on my command.”

General Draven’s deep voice filled the room with a sense of authority despite the fact that he was currently speaking through a crackling intercom system.

“Did I just hear him say code black or am I losing my shit?” You turned to ask Cassian but his answer was obvious. He was already on his feet and moving as he reached across the table to take a hold of your hand. Pulling you towards the back exit without so much as a word.

When the rebels had first settled on Yavin they immediately put the temple's tunnel system to good use. Insuring that every major hub or communal area had access in case the need for a quick escape arose.

“We need to move now.” Cassian insisted as you dug in your heels. Trying to get an eye on Penny and Roland but it was of no use. Cassian would have carried you out if need be. Rushing into the tunnel you had to squint your eyes to adjust to the darkness. Thankfully Cassian had a tight grip, his fingers laced between your own so tightly you could feel his pulse through them.

“Break, break, break, affirmative all stations to sub level D. Lock-down in t minus five minutes.”

One might expect a situation such as this to be loud and hectic but the Rebellion had trained its soldiers well. All around you everyone moved in silent haste. The only echo to reach your ears was the steady thudding of boots as workers rushed to their stations while others hurried to hide any sign of occupation. Beneath a certain point in the ground even the best Imperial thermal scans would fail. The lower levels of the temple were sanctioned off into dozens of smaller compartments. Making it easier to spread out those inside and hide any heat signature.

“This is a code black alert. Three Imperial squadrons have entered our air space. Prepare for lock down protocol.”

Above you the sirens continued to reign as Cassian pulled you through the crowd. The tunnels weren't particularly wide and soon the number of people around you had grown substantially. You were elbow to elbow with Cassian as you rounded out of the tunnel and into the nearest stairwell. The steps were already covered with other rebels and slick with the moisture of so many bodies crammed into a single space. Thankfully you had a sure footed companion to lean on as you hurried further and further down.

The massive blast doors were as sweet a sight to your eyes as the end of the stairwell had been. Hurrying pass the guards you followed Cassian inside the massive bunker. Eyeing all those around you for familiar faces and finding none.

“Captain Andor! You're needed in the control room!” A young staff officer shouted as he pushed through the crowd towards the two of you.

“Are you alright?” Cassian asked, taking a hold of your shoulders and turning you to face him.

“Yea.” You nodded, slightly touched by his tenderness. “Just need to catch my breath.”

“Stay here.” He instructed, hands sliding down your arms to take a hold of your hands once more. “I'll come find you.”

With that he was gone, disappearing into the fold.

“Where is she?” A lanky rookie gasped as he ran towards you. Sliding his feet to a halt as he leaned forward with his hands on his knees. “She said she was going back for you!”

“Who the hell are you talking about?” You shouted, struggling to hear over the massive orchestra of noises echoing off the bunkers stone walls.

“Zara.”

There are times in everyone's lives that define them. Rather it be decades of work or a single moment. For you that moment had came and went long ago. For all intents and purposes you knew who you were; yet even now you found yourself with that inkling of doubt. That instinctive stomach churning moment between decision and action. In a breath it was over and you gave in, allowing your instincts to take over. Ignoring the shouts to come back as you cut through the crowd and began taking the stairwell two steps at a time.

“Zara!” You yelled into your comm link. Damn the chain of command. You weren't losing another ally to the Empire. Not today. “Zara where the hell-”

“Clear all channels to control room!” An aggravated voice shouted on the other in.

“Fuck your control room! Zara where are-”

“I don't know!” Zara's frantic voice cackled through your comm link. “Its the tunnel-I can't-I can't find my way out!”

“Yell for me as loud as you can.”

The burning in your legs was beginning to return as the adrenaline began to wear off but you couldn't slow. Not when seconds might determine the difference between life and death.

“This is a code black alert! All stations to sub level D. Lock-down in t minus two minutes.”

A guttural scream tore through the tunnels, echoing like a howl in the night. Gritting your teeth you pushed forward, yelling for Zara to keep it up as you followed the sound of her voice. With each step Zara’s screams seemed to grow more frantic yet blessedly closer. She nearly collapsed in your arms when she finally stumbled through the darkness. Eyes wide with fear.

“We have to move!” Grabbing a hold of the young girl's wrist you yanked her to her feet and fled towards the stairwell. Gliding down them more so than running. There were moments when you could have sworn your feet hadn't even touch the ground. “Hold the door!”

A few yards ahead you could see the blast doors closing. The space between safety and uncertainty growing smaller by the second. Zara was now screaming too. The panic from before intensified by ten fold. With the last strength you could muster you rushed forward. Shoving Zara ahead of you and squeezing through the narrow gap a second before the blast doors shut with a thud.

Glancing up from where you sat on your hands and knees, gasping for air like a trout thrown a shore, you caught a glance of the guard who had seemed untouched by your pleas. A face you recognized easily. One you had made sure not to forget just in case an instance such as this arose.

One last surge of adrenaline brought you to your feet and your fist did the rest. Sucker punches weren't typically your style but it only seemed fitting to return the favor.

“That's for hitting me with your gun you twat!” You eyed the man carefully, waiting for a counter attack but he merely turned away. Spiting out a mouthful of blood and what sounded like a tooth.

Sighing heavily you dragged your feet towards Zara. Bending down you gripped her under the arms and pulled her to her feet in haste. Dragging her away from the two guards and out of ear shot.

“What the hell were you thinking?” You half shouted, cheeks red as embers and just as hot. “And don't you dare say you went back for me.”

“I-I just...” The poor girl was already panicked, having very nearly been left behind seemingly for dead. Now she bore the weight of guilt as her caramel eyes began to gloss over.

“On with it!” You pressed, holding her tightly by the shoulders as Cassian had with you only minutes before. “What was so damned important you risked dying for?”

The first of the tears escaped, followed promptly by a second as she reached under her coat, retrieving an item wrapped in dark silk. Glancing around carefully before she delicately pulled the fabric back. You could feel your breath hitch in your throat at the sight of it. The pounding of your heart against your chest like a war drum.

“It was my sister’s, she was supposed to....” Zara stuttered. “I thought it died with Maiv but-but it didn't...it's all I have left.”

The girl was on the verge of sobbing as she held the silver hilt in her hands. Reaching a hand out gently you ran your finger tips from the grip to shroud. The hairs on your arms standing up as a shiver ran down your spine.

“You show this to no one.” You stated coolly, staring deep into her wide eyes as you hurriedly wrapped the object in her hands tightly before shoving it back inside her coat. “You tell no one. You keep it secret and you keep it safe. You hear me? Zara! We clear?”

“We’re clear.” Zara nodded, composing herself somewhat as she readjusted her coat. Closing your eyes tightly you felt the room around you begin to wobble, even more so as you opened them. You wanted to say something to Zara, some comforting words that may give her strength; yet, from one orphan to another you knew there were none.

Reaching forward you pulled her into a tight embrace, simultaneously releasing the flood gates. Zara's tears drenched your curls as she apologized again and again. You hadn't noticed the way the sounds around you grew quiet, the way the edges of your vision began to blur or the weakening of your grip until you lost it. Eyes rolling back into your head as you crumpled to your knees.

That day you learned two valuable lessons.

One: to trust you intuition. Even if everyone else tells you otherwise. Even if they say it is folly to try, it is up to you to remain firm behind your convictions, to look them in the eye and show them just why they're wrong.

And two: never run the equivalent of three miles in under five minutes with nothing in your stomach but liquor and nerves.

[theseviolentdelightss]

star wars aesthetics // gray jedi

there is freedom in life. there is purpose in death. the Force is all things and i am the Force.

[theseviolentdelightss]

[theseviolentdelightss]

Counting Paths XV

Series Summary: After a lifetime on the run from the Empire, Reader makes a move that could have drastic impacts for both friend and foe. A Reader insert/fanfic. Gifs belong to their respective owners.

Word Count: 6719

Author’s Note: So I’m not going to tip to around it, in the past few months I’ve gone through a very personal, horrifically traumatizing experience that I am still coming to terms with. Depression and anxiety have always been issues I’ve struggled with but I never thought I would one day experience the effects of PTSD. Seeing death, truly seeing it firsthand, changes you as a person and it has taken months for me just to come back around to some sense of normality. Writing this latest bit has helped and I know some of that inner struggle poured over into my writing. Hopefully it’s not too particularly jarring,and as always I am so thankful for those of you that have stuck around for this long. You have no idea how very much it means to me.

-Side note: I took complete unabashed inspiration from one of my favorite television shows of all time in this chapter. Shiny on you if you recognize it.

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part VIII Part IX Part X Part XIPart XII Part XIII Part XIV

-8 MONTHS LATER-

You awoke to the loud sound of someone banging away in the cargo hold. Most likely Roland, busy securing yet another hidy-hole for whatever you had been sent to fetch this time. That man was like a magician when it came to securing supplies in the most unlikely of spaces. You once saw him retrieve a pallet of medicine hidden beneath your core containment unit. One miss step and he would've gotten a doze of radiation strong enough to kill him a thousand times over. None of that seemed to bother him, even as you watched on petrified, the older man simply shimmied beneath the small crawl space and flung the first container of vials over his shoulder. Leaving you no other option than to leap forward and catch it. This went on another two dozen times until Roland eventually crawled out from under the containment unit like a drunk toddler. Rolling carelessly as he dragged his larger bottom half upwards. The symphony of obscenities that awaited him as soon as he rose to his feet reminded Roland that though he may have surpassed you in rank Songbird was your ship and you were her captain. Considering your recent reinstatement into the Rebel Alliance Roland had no choice but to respect your terms.  

That lasted for about a fortnight.

Rolling over you clung tightly to the sheets. Not yet willing to forego the warmth of your thick blankets to return to the waking world. No matter how elusive it felt at times you had grown to love sleep more in the recent months. 75 percent of the time it left you gasping for air, fumbling off the side of your bed and onto the cold floor below but that remaining 25 percent was the only true escape from reality afforded to you. Everything else was a just poor mans attempt.

Today had been no exception.

Thankfully in your clumsiness you had taken some of your pillows overboard with you and had softened the blow. Nevertheless, you had undoubtedly collected your share of bruises that would likely show their ugly purple faces over the next few days. So there was that to look forward to, how lovely...

Chirping somberly V1-S4 switched from his hibernation and rolled across the small space that was your cabin. Bits of decorations hung over the walls, the flag of your homeworld, a bouquet of Alderaanian flame lilies glowing on the bedside table atop a stack of books you had read easily a dozen times. It wasn't much but it was the closest thing to having a home as you could get; though, even as the thought crossed your mind you knew that wasn't entirely true. Like it or not a small part of you missed your cramped room on Yavin 4. At least there had always been something to do, a project to work on, someone to talk to... Sure you had Roland and the rest of your crew to keep you company but that was different.

You had told yourself you simply missed Theodren. He was your best friend after all and the two of you had missed time to make up for given how long the two of you had been apart in the past. To be separated again so shortly after reuniting felt cruel but war doesn’t wait for things such as sentiment.

War doesn’t wait at all. 

You missed your lunches with Penelope. The sweet mechanic you had befriended after she taught you how to fix your port control a few weeks before your first mission. The girl was so cheerful that any time the two of you met up for lunch or worked on your ship together you couldn’t help but smile. Her kindness was infectious and a welcome change to the coldness you had experienced from other Rebels in the past. After you became one of them again all that changed. Suddenly you had amassed a fair amount of acquaintances during your time on base, most of whom you missed. Still, that did nothing to change the truth of the matter...

The person you found yourself missing the most was Cassian. 

Any time something especially odd happened on a job or Roland got too drunk and began declaring his secret love for show tunes it was Cassian you found yourself wishing you could run to. The two of you had come to share so much of your time together that it felt foreign to have so much apart. As if some part of yourself was missing. This was made all the worse given how you had left things between the two of you. The memory of which you seemed incapable of getting out of your head.

As S4 inched closer to where you lay you're reminded of just how grateful you were to have the loyal droid by your side again. When you had finally been allowed access to him again after months apart it felt as if you were being reunited with a family member that had gone missing. Hands shaking slightly you reached out to place your palm atop the droid’s shiny dome shaped head before gently leaning your forehead against the smooth surface.

“I'm alright buddy.” You reassured S4 as if you were a mother soothing a child. “Just another bad dream.”

S4 hummed happily as you smiled, giving him a gentle pat on the side. Pushing yourself off your knees you gathered your blankets and tossed them back atop your bed before stumbling towards the shower. Hopefully you'll have better luck tonight...

The day passed by as per usual. Rolland had taken over the ships controls while you had busied yourself helping the crew encode your inventory manifest to hide your ship's true cargo in case you ran into Imperial scanners. Nine hours later and your dozenth supply run had went off without a hitch. If everything went according to plan you would be returning to Base 1 with a ship full of enough stolen Imperial power cells to supply an entire Rebellion division for a month.  

Only problem was that flying with Imperial stamped cargo was a death sentence to anyone stupid enough to get caught. Even so, most pilots would rather take the risk of staring down the barrel of a trooper's blaster than traveling through raider territory. Low life pirates that sat out in the darkness of the outer rim waiting to attack and pillage any unsuspecting vessel that wandered their way. Still you had no other choice but to choose the later, set your scanners to their full capacity, and hope you could pass through long enough to make it to the nearest hyperspace lane. It had been months since you last returned to base, and even that had only been for a single night. Just enough time to make a drop before heading back out again. 

After your return from Nar Shaddah you had been busy to say the least. Everything had happened so quickly, one moment you're swearing in as soldier in the Rebel Alliance, again, the next you're in the midst of a shouting match with Cassian. One that left you feeling shaken and uncertain as to where you stood with the captain. Not a word was said to mend what had been broken. Instead settling for uncomfortable silences and unresolved issues. 

You had thought he would be happy. That perhaps it would make up for crashing his last mission so spectacularly. The next day you received your first orders; an immediate mission to help secure a shipment from a core planet that had been secretly aiding the Rebellion for months. Though you still had some reservations about committing to the Alliance's entirely, you were delighted to be doing something other than sitting around twiddling your thumbs. When the time came to leave you searched all over base for Cassian to say goodbye, but the dark eyed rebel was no where to be found.

Thus began a new strange chapter in your life. A smuggler for the Rebellion, who would've thought?

More often than not you and Roland simply served as a single link in a very long chain that connected various Rebel outposts. Picking up supplies from one location just to deliver them to another. It was all part of the Alliances attempt to keep the Empire from pinpointing any potential drop off points. Large quantities would be brought in by ships such as your own on outlying moons and planets with lax security to be smuggled into larger settlements in smaller quantities later. Essentially you were spice runners, only instead of smuggling drugs you were transporting medical supplies, power cells, food. This however was your last in a very long trek across the galaxy. Normally you preferred the sky to staying grounded but you couldn't deny that you were eager to return to Yavin 4.

Two weeks, Mon Monthma had promised you two weeks off the job if you managed to secure the shipments in half the usual time table. A task you had pulled off flawlessly. All that time working with Han and Chewie had made you adept in this line of work. Something you were sure Cassian wouldn't care for. Not that you would know. It had been weeks since the two of you had last spoken.

252 days to be exact.

Everything had been going smoothly. Roland and S4 had navigated a clear course as you triple checked your  hyperdrive when suddenly the alarms began to ring over head. The bright white lights in the hallway illuminated off and on in a dizzying fashion as you ran towards the cockpit. S4 chirped erratically as you ducked your head through the doorway and hurried inside.

“What the hell is going on I thought you two got us around them-”

“It's not Imperial.” Roland said as he spun in his chair, keying into Songbirds own enhanced scanners to bring up a read out of the strange ship that had just entered a spacelane dangerously close to your own.

“Commercial vessel?”

“Looks like it.”

Chirping beside you S4 illuminated a hologram of the vessel in question.

“I'm reading it as an old 908 Trans-Q model.” Rolland's brow furrowed as he read the droid’s intel.

“That doesn't make any sense, I didn't think Trans-Q operated anymore. Weren't they bought out by the Empire?”

Leaning over Roland you tried to get a better look at the ships read out. Anything that might possibly explain why you had suddenly run into a passing ship, whose make was no longer in operation, while traveling an unmapped route, with a cargo full of stolen goods, set for the head quarters of the Rebellion. All of which seemed a bit too coincidental for your liking.

“Yea they were.”

“Do we have a visual?” You asked, S4's low hum quickly answered your question. He did however manage to pull up the ships internal system's processing data, instantly something about it struck you as odd. “Wait, look at their radiation level.”

Leaning closer Roland's eyes trailed down the screen to where you were pointing. The number was more than just suspiciously high, it was unheard of. Utterly unfit for sustaining human life.

“They're operating without their flux stabilizer that's ch'sei...that's suicide.”

Stepping back your eyes were drawn to a small spot in the distance. Growing larger with each passing second. It wasn't often that you truly felt fear. Not because you were especially brave but because the majority of the time you didn't much care if things suddenly ended bloody. Its what you had signed up for after all. You were back in the game. All it takes is one wrong step and you're dead. You knew just how dangerous what you did was; none the less, for the most part you had grown calloused to the fear of death. It was more an inevitability than a concern. That didn't stop your heart from dropping into your stomach as the first beads of cold sweat began to prickle your skin.

“Ravangers.”

Every childhood horror story, every supposed sighting from other pilots, every alleged encounter you had ever heard of Ravangers played in your mind like some twisted nightmare come to life.

“Oh fuck.” Roland swore breathlessly. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck...”

“We have to tell the others.” The blood in your veins felt suddenly frigid as you reached for the ships intercom.   With trembling fingers you pressed the button at the base of your ship's controls. Eyes never once straying from the ship in the distance. Its rusty color and dilapidated state gradually coming into view.

“This your captain speaking.” You began, breathing in and out slowly in an attempt to keep your voice calm. In truth, for the first time in months you were completely, and utterly terrified. “We've intercepted another ship, appears to be Ravangers, most likely a raiding party. We haven't been hailed yet and we are holding course so everyone please remain calm. We should be passing them in a few minutes. We'll take it from there.”

Letting go of the intercom button you stepped back, eyes aching from staring so harshly into the dark distance. Digging in your vest pocket you retrieved your com link.

“Zara I need you up here, now.”

Stepping back you stood on unsteady feet for what felt like hours when the sound of Zara coming to a stop beside you shook you from your trance.

“What's going on why are we-” She began, eyes darting to the ship in the distance before falling eerily quite. “Who are they?”

“Ravangers.” You replied coolly.

“Ravangers aren't real.” The young girl scoffed gently. “My grandma used to tell us stories about them to get us to stay in bed at night or do our chores. They're just a myth.”

“Well if grandma says it then it must be true.” Roland muttered sarcastically, busy preparing the ships engines in case you were given no choice but to run.

“They're not myths.” You said, grabbing the young teen by the wrist and forcing her to look you in the eye.

“You're not lying?” Zara asked, all confidence drained from her voice. The majority of the time all the young girl did was glare at you, still fostering a mountain worth of reinstatement towards you over her sister's death. Now; however, the only emotion she wore was one of complete fear. “What happens if they hail us?”

“If they board us...” You sighed, trying to decide rather you should be utterly truthful in the face of impending danger or try and appeal to the young girls age. “They'll flay us alive, feast on our flesh, and sew our entrails into their armor...”

Zara's face turned white, even her darker complexion couldn't hide the noticeable rush of blood. Her hands began to shake as she looked up to you, still just a child, so much youth shone through her eyes that were now wide with fear.

“And if they're feeling generous they'll do it in that order.”

You finished, your grip on Zara's wrist loosening as you took her hand in your own. Pealing back her fingers you placed a small dark capsule in her palm. Though she shook her head at first you folded her fingers over the deadly pill and held them there.

“Just in case.” You spoke gently.

“What about you?” She asked, her voice steady though she appeared anything but.

“Songbird is my ship, I'm her captain. I won't abandon her.”

“They're hailing us!” Roland shouted, immediately sending a rush of adrenaline through your body. Letting go of the young girl you threw yourself behind the controls and began deploying counter measures.

“They've got magnetic grappling!” Zara exclaimed, pointing to the electric arm that had began to stretch out from the ships left side.

“Yes thank you I can see that!” Though your voice was laced with sarcasm you knew that if you wanted to survive this you had only one option. Slamming your fist against the intercom button you shouted a warning. “Quick, everyone find something to hold on to!”

“They're on us!” Zara's voice was becoming frantic. A sound you hadn't heard since the night the two of you met. 

“S4 cut the hydraulics!” You yelled for the droid who made quick work of your order. Efficient as ever.

“What the hell are you doing?” Roland watched as you flipped various switches, unsure of what it was you were hoping to accomplish.

“You'll see.” You couldn’t help but grin at the absurdity of what you were attempting. “Roland as soon as I say so, you make the jump. Now hold on!”

Pulling the yolk tightly to the side you engaged your reverse thrusters on one side while going full burn on the other. Immediately the ship whipped into a jarringly fast turn that found you suddenly behind the Ravanger ship that had only seconds before been in front of you. Yanking the yolk back to the opposite side you managed to steady the ship long enough to align your coordinates, albeit backwards.

“Please let this work.” You prayed, switching the ships directional system into neutral. “Now!”

The moment you shouted the words you felt the force of the leap pressing you into your seat as your ship made its jump into hyperspace. Albeit in reverse. A moment of silence hung in the air before being quickly replaced with shouts and whoops of excitement. Most people go their entire lives without ever crossing paths with a Ravanger, let alone an entire raiding party. They were a rarity, even in the outer rim. They're community was such a small offset of a larger cultural species that it came has no surprise that most people thought of them as myths but you knew better. You had seen their handiwork before. Not a sight you would soon forget and yet you had left them burning in your wake.

“That was amazing!” Zara squealed as she leap up and down before wrapping her arms around you where you sat, still partially in shock, and pulled you out of your seat.

“As much as I hate to inflate your ego that was pretty damn impressive kid.” Roland smiled, a sight you usually only witnessed at 3 in the morning after two pints too many, or anytime someone fell. The man had an oddly specific sense of humor to say the least. As he ruffled your hair with his calloused hand you thought for a moment that perhaps you had actually died upon making the jump and this was all some sort of weird afterlife experience. It wasn't until you started to fall asleep that night, half drunk and giggling, did you realize for sure you weren't dead or dreaming. Puking your guts out will bring you back to reality all too quick.

As you broke into the atmosphere of Yavin 4 the following day you were still mildly hung over yet happy all the same. You hadn't seen Theodren in months and had been too far out to safely contact your best friend for nearly six weeks. You had expected him to be there waiting in the hanger when you returned. What you hadn't expected was for him to be surrounded by so many of your fellow comrades. One look at Roland was all it took, you really need to start taking his communication privileges away from him when he drinks. Apparently everyone on base had heard of your quick maneuvering with the Ravangers the night before. Though you should have known better you forgot how much of a superstitious lot a fair amount of the Rebellion was. It reminded you of your old grandmother, sitting in her knitting chair, reading the smudges left behind in her tea cup. This recent run in would undoubtedly have their interests peaked.

As Theodren spread his arms wide you returned his hug almost as tightly as you had the last time the two of you had reunited. This time though, when he pulled back to look at your face Theodren glimpsed more than just excitement. He saw exhaustion, anxiety, even a lingering hint of fear that seemed to dull the flecks of gold in your eyes. He wanted to ask right there what was wrong but knew better.

“You look ghastly.” He quipped, the corners of his mouth turning up in a grin as the two of you pulled apart.

“Still look better than you.”

“Hm, I don't know if I'd go quite that far.” Theodren continued. “I do believe there are some sects of society that would perhaps find this-” Taking his hand he gestured up and down your frame. You were covered in soot and grease from working on your ship all night. Trying to repair the damage done by your daring Ravanger escape. “Attractive. I'm sure you'd be a shoe in for a beauty pageant on Jakku.”

With that you gave your old friend a playful shove as you swung your bag over your shoulder.

“I get it! I need a shower.” You shouted jokingly as you made your way towards the open hanger.

“Why not two?” Theodren replied, cupping his hands around his mouth to project the sound of his voice as you stepped further away. “Make up for lost time.”

Chuckling softly you shook your head. Eyes scanning the nearby ships for a particular U-Wing. When you failed to spot it you felt a small surge of comfort, at least he hadn't simply known of your return and chosen not to greet you along with the others. Surely, he wasn't still that mad... Moving through the crowded hanger and hallways you were welcomed back by a number of familiar faces, some new. Perhaps word of your Ravanger escape had made the rounds more than you had originally thought. It made sense truthfully, other than war and work there wasn't a whole lot for people to talk about on base. Conversations could get dull fairly quickly so whenever something particularly unusual or spectacular happened it was typically the main topic of conversations until something else came along or people simply got bored.

Keying in your door code you were welcomed by the cool darkness of your room instantly. The only light came from the narrow windows and through it was still quite warm outside the inside was blessedly cool. Like a puppet whose strings have been cut you lost what little hold you had left the moment the door shut behind you. Your knees began to wobble uncontrollably, forcing you to grasp the corner of your bed as your bag tumbled to the floor. Stumbling forward your legs eventually gave out as you slid down the side of your bed. Now that you were alone, in a place you felt safe from prying eyes, the reality of yesterday's events hit you like a smack in the face. Leaving you shaking as you fumbled behind you to pull a pillow close to your chest. You had been so distant, so detached for weeks that this sudden burst of intense emotion was almost too much to bare. Burying your face inside the pillow you let lose the scream that you had been holding in for hours. The thick cotton did a fair job of muffling the sound of your screams but did nothing to hide the creak of the floor behind you. 

In an instant you sprung to your feet. Turning on a dime and throwing the pillow in your hands directly at the intruders face.

“The hell?” Cassian's accent was instantly recognizable. Leaving you feeling like a fool as your hands flew to cover your mouth. It wasn't till you noticed Cassian's state that you felt your cheeks begin to burn as you turned your eyes towards the ceiling.

“I didn't think you were here.” You stuttered.

“I just got out of the shower you idiot!” He hissed, dropping the pillow in his hands to retrieve his towel from off the floor. Quickly securing it around his waste and holding it tight with one hand just to be safe.

“Yup, kinda put that one together.”

“You're not supposed to be back yet. They said you wouldn't get here till this evening.” Cassian shook his head as he turned away from you. Moving over to his dresser where he began to dig out his daily uniform. Trying his best not to pay you much attention as you sat yourself on the corner of your bed. Gaze still firmly in the opposite direction. Hopefully he had done a good enough job of straightening the comforter and pillows that you wouldn't notice the impression his body had left. Nearly every day he worked on base he would find himself taking his lunch hour to sneak away to his room, crawl atop your bed, and escape the world for a moment. It was the only time he felt any sense of peace and even after all these weeks a small hint of your perfume lingered in the linen.

“Made the jump quicker than expected.” You replied, pealing off your jacket before falling backwards atop your bed. Relishing the comfort of it as you spread out your arms to stretch.

“What happened? You run into another old flame you'd like to impress?” Cassian scoffed before instantly wishing he could take it back. In the reflection of his mirror he could see you spread out on your back. Pale curls cascading down your side as you clung to pillow he had always used.

“Ravangers.” You mumbled, kicking off your boots as you pulled the pillow in your arms tighter.

“What?” Cassian asked, spinning on his heal and stepping towards your bed. Surely he hadn't heard you correctly.

“We ran into Ravangers.” You repeated, sitting up to find Cassian standing noticeably closer than before and thankfully at least partially dressed. His shirt still gripped in his left hand. A look of confusion and something else washed over his face. For a moment you thought perhaps it was concern but that didn't much fit into the current state of affairs when it came to yourself and Cassian. As much as you hated to admit it, it seemed he was indeed still pissed.

Leave it to a man to hold a grudge after 8 months of zero communication.

“We had to run so of course they had to chase us.” You explained, keeping your hands busy playing with a fray in the threading of your comforter. Strange you hadn't noticed it before, normally little things like that would drive the perfectionist inside of you crazy. “Fried my hydraulics but I was able to make the jump. Shaved a few hours off my time.”

“Aren't you impressive?”

Though you had tried to hide it, you were hurt by Cassian's words. A truth that undoubtedly showed on your face. After everything you had been through the past few months, after everything you had done for his cause, and still he treated you as an inconvenience.

“Why do you have to be like that?” You muttered, turning up to face him. His own expression unreadable to you. “I just wanted to come home.”

And there it was. The slow knife that was gradually killing the both of you. Cassian knew what you had meant. What home truly was but that was not a responsibility he wanted. Not because he didn't share the same sentiment but because he couldn't bare to be the one responsible for taking that home away.

“Yea, well welcome home.” Was all he could think to say before tossing on his shirt and boots before hurrying out the door. Your very presence was suffocating to him. Leaving him no option but to hurry off in no particular direction.

Sighing you kept still for a few moments. Allowing it all to sink in as you stared blankly ahead. A part of you wanted to cry while the other half wanted to scream and break everything in sight. Instead you settled for reaching inside your duffel and pulling out a bottle of Tevraki Whiskey. A parting gift from your crew for getting them out of a particularly sticky situation. Pulling out the cork with your teeth you spit it across the room where it rolled beneath Cassian's bed. The inside of the refresher was still warm as you stepped in and turned on the shower. Discarding bits of clothing as you gulped down the smooth whiskey. Allowing it to burn your throat as you cherished each swig.

An hour later you had dried your hair and slipped into your usual casual attire with the full intent of meeting Theodren and the others at the cantina on base. All it took was sitting down to pull on your boots and you were out like a light. Head crashing into your pillow as the exhaustion you had fought suddenly overtook you.

When your eyes finally began to flutter open a handful of hours later it took a moment for you to gather your surroundings before remembering where you were. Home. Except something felt off. Unnatural. As your gaze drifted around the room your heart dropped into your stomach before returning with a vengeance. It was him, again. After all this time.

Instinctively you willed yourself to sit up, to leap out of bed but you were frozen. You couldn't move, couldn't even scream for help. It was an old sensation, and one you hadn't missed. Of course you had been told what it truly was: just a simple sleeping sickness that wasn't entirely uncommon, particularly in those suffering from past trauma. Still, waking up to find yourself paralyzed, staring at the bloody specter of someone you loved, is not an easy experience to rationalize.

As the door swung open, casting a warm glow into the room you felt as if you were drowning at sea and had spotted a ship in the distance. In walked Cassian, nonchalantly as ever, hardly so much a glance in your direction. Already you could feel the tears begin to swell in the corner of your eyes. As he turned towards the refresher you prayed he would catch a glimpse of your face, perhaps see the anguish burning beneath your frozen exterior. You thought for sure all hope was lost and that you were doomed to ride this one out alone; however long it may last, when Cassian's feet came to an abrupt stop. Slowly turning his head to peer through the darkness in your direction.

Cassian had been grateful when he came in to find you sleeping. Thankful that he would have more time to think of a proper apology, not some drunken slurred excuse which was currently all he had to offer. He even thought you were talking in your sleep again. Right up to the point that he was about to walk away entirely when he heard it. Such a pitiful whimper, like a fawn separated from its mother. It wasn't the normal chaotic mumbling of your sleep talking. This sounded deliberate. Desperate. Stumbling forward Cassian switched on your bedside lamp and found the look of terror on your face far more sobering than any cold shower he could've taken.

“What is it?” He asked, kneeling at your side. As much as you wanted to turn your head to face him all you could do was peer out of the corner of your eyes. Trying to focus on him entirely, ignoring the other pale face that stared out from the darkness. Cold dead eyes looking at you and seeing nothing. “What's wrong?”

Cassian did his best to speak calmly as he settled on the edge of the bed. As his hands fell to your shoulders he found them tense as stone; yet, he could see the rapid rate of your heart as the vein in your neck throbbed with each passing beat. His fingers found their way to your wrist in the dark. Easily taking your pulse as it thumped against the tips of his fingers with far too much force and speed. You were more than just terrified, you were petrified. Nearly on the verge of shock. He knew you had issues with sleep, he had even witnessed some himself,  but nothing like this. It broke him to see you this afraid, this helpless.

“You're okay.” He whispered, rubbing a hand up and down your left arm while the other maintained its grip on your right shoulder. “You're okay, just breathe in and out.”

The more Cassian spoke the calmer you felt, as if each word had been a tiny doze of peace, of comfort. As he inched closer, the warm light washing over his face so that you could finally see him clearly, you felt your strength returning. Taking your hand in his own Cassian could feel as each digit began to crawl across his palm.  You could sense your body shaking as you drew on every ounce of strength inside you to propel yourself upwards. Arms draping around Cassian as you fell into his grasp. In the haze you couldn't think of anything else that had happened between the two of you. None of the bickering or resentment even registered. In that moment he was all you had.

A life preserver in a sea of nothing.

Your only tangible connection to reality. The one thing you could feel other than fear. So you clung tightly to him. Fingernails digging into the fabric of his shirt as your body continued to shake.

“It's alright, it's alright.” He repeated softly into your ear, arms inching around your waist as you pulled yourself closer until you were practically sitting in his lap. He could feel your chest rise and fall against his own. Your panicked breath against his neck. The warm tears that escaped your eyes to cascade down his cheek from where your faces were pressed against each other.

Cassian tried to remember the last time he felt this close to someone. It was only a moment later, as he buried his face into your hair, the sweet smell of your shampoo filling his senses, that Cassian realized the last time he had been this close to anyone was you. The memory of that night came flooding back to him, filling his head with all manner of thoughts. He wasn't sure how much time had passed before your body finally began to still, the grip of your hands loosening as you slowly lent back to face him. Instinctively Cassian found himself pushing the stray strands of hair out of your face. Reaching up you took a hold of his hand gently. Your gaze now locked with his.

“Thank you.” Your voice was barely a breath, so quite that had Cassian not been so close you aren't sure he would have heard it.

“Are you alright?” He whispered, rolling his hand over in your own to hold it gently between the two of you.

“Yea I'm...” Damn you wished you could lie to him, tell him that everything was fine and that he could go to bed. Not to worry about you considering you weren't his problem. He had been so cold to you earlier after all. But looking into those brown eyes of his all you wanted to do was stay fixed, planted exactly where you were until the tenderness that hid beneath his gaze had rid you of every terrible thought, every horrible memory. “I was so afraid...”

“It was just a bad dream.”

“No I-I mean the Ravangers.” You stuttered. Cassian furrowed his brow, looking down for a moment as you struggled to catch your breath. Your body still trembling gently beneath his hands. “I saw that ship and I was terrified.”

“Anyone would be.” Cassian assured you, his voice soft as he spoke.

“It wasn't just that I was scared of dying Cass, it was...” Chewing your bottom lip you found yourself at a loss, unsure if this was the sort of thing you should be sharing with someone, let alone Cassian of all people.

“What?” He asked tenderly, once again reaching up to tuck another rebellious curl out of your face.

“It was everything I was leaving behind.” You sighed, looking away from Cassian's piercing gaze. “So much left unfinished, so many words left unsaid...”

The moment the words left your lips you felt the heavy thump of Cassian's heart against your chest. Neither of you had moved more than an inch apart since you had awoken entirely, a realization that seemed to only strike you now as you became hyper aware of how the close the two of you were. It had been months since the two of you had last been this close yet it wasn't until now that you realized just how much you had subconsciously yearned for it.

How very much at home you finally felt.    

“Can you stay?” You asked hesitantly, nearly certain that you had over stepped your bounds. “Please?”

As Cassian sat there, allowing your words a moment to sink in he thought for a moment that he surely must be dreaming. How many times had he fallen asleep after a long day to find himself in a moment similar to this. How many times had he wished he could have gone back in time and been honest with you about everything. About his job, about his fears, and how he hadn't felt like himself since that night the two of you had kissed. How he had lied to himself by convincing you it meant nothing. All he could think to do was touch you. Gently he rested his palm against your cheek, thumbing away a single delayed tear that had fallen. Looking you deep in the eye he nodded softly.

Cassian maneuvered the two of you smoothly, maintaining his hold on you as he laid the both of you back onto your bed. Moving your arm out from under him you waited until he had kicked off his boots and pealed off his outer shirt to leave only a cotton tank underneath before pulling the blankets over the two of you. As Cassian laid back down you weren't sure if he intended to keep his current distance. As if he had read your mind the Captain turned his head to face you, trying to read your expression in the dark before turning his attention to the ceiling. His heart suddenly in his throat. He felt like a teenager again, too scared to speak up. Instead he inched his hand closer to yours, bit by bit until he felt the soft flesh of your fingers aside his own. Like two dancers in sync each of you laced your fingers together. A feeling like warm liquor filled your stomach as you rolled onto your side, mustering up the courage to pull the captain's arm around your waist as you nuzzled yourself into his chest.

The sigh of relief that left your lungs was only mirrored by Cassian's as his arms again wrapped tightly around you. Bringing your body flush against his own. With your ear pressed against him you could hear every beat of Cassian's heart. The comforting repetition easing you into a sense of calm. His strong arms around you made you feel safe for the first time in months, allowing sleep to quickly creep up on you. Your eyes had almost closed when you looked up only to find Cassian watching you. Too tired himself to make an attempt at hiding it.

“I missed you.” Smiling softly, your eyes flutter once, twice before closing entirely. Calm, steady breaths escape your lips as Cassian tries to get a grip on himself. Just that morning he had sworn to himself that he would not allow himself to fall back into whatever it was the two of you had going on. He had even forced himself to say those rude, hell mildly cruel things to you, in the hopes to stave you off. Eight months he had spent convincing himself that there was nothing between the two of you and not even twelve hours after landing you were back in his arms. The one place he swore he wouldn't find you. The one place he so desperately wanted to keep you. It was torture feeling this way. A sweet pain that he found himself wanting again and again. There was a word for it, he knew that for certain, he just wasn't ready to say it. Not even to himself. Instead he settled for pulling you closer if possible, relishing the way you instinctively shifted in his arms, hands gripping the fabric of his clothing as if even in sleep you wanted him closer.

Just as he had that night on his ship so many months ago he found himself leaning down and pressing his lips against your forehead. That same surge of adrenaline pulsing through his veins leaving him with no hope of denial. Giving in, if only for tonight, Cassian rested his head atop yours and slept soundly for the first time in years.

[theseviolentdelightss]

[theseviolentdelightss]

Got a Bucky fic coming soon! No worries, Counting Paths is still in the works. Just needed a switch up for a bit.

[theseviolentdelightss]

Kettering | The Antlers

i wish that i had known in the first minute we met

the unpayable debt that i owed you

[theseviolentdelightss]

[theseviolentdelightss]

[theseviolentdelightss]

They should be terrified

[theseviolentdelightss]

Counting Paths  XIV

Series Summary: After a lifetime on the run from the Empire, Reader makes a move that could have drastic impacts for both friend and foe. A Reader insert/fanfic. Gifs belong to their respective owners.

Word Count: 5405

Author’s Note: I can’t apologize enough for taking so long to get this posted. I had it written out weeks ago but just couldn’t find the motivation to go through and edit it. Hopefully my writing hasn’t gotten too rusty. Again, so sorry for the ridiculous wait.

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part VIII Part IX Part X Part XI Part XII Part XIII

“You’ve got to be shitting me.”

The faint sound of blaster fire echoed in the distance as you spoke. Adding an ironic sense of gravity to your words like loud claps of thunder in a horror story. Ominous and alarming as they hinted at something worse to come. On and on they continued. The unmistakable sound of weapons fire shattering through the night. Accompanied for a moment by the sounds of desperate cries before falling suddenly silent. In those tense moments everyone in the room remained as quite as possible. Like hidden refuges you moved with careful steps. Waiting until the sound of the Moon’s crooked police and mingled Imperial troops faded into nothing.

Such things were common place in the slums but that didn’t provide you any comfort.

Peering through the dimly lit room your eyes found Maiv. Her arms crossed and her expression calm; yet, you knew better than to suspect it as sincerity. Maiv was a master of hiding her true feelings as well as her intentions. Perhaps even better than yourself.

Doubtful, but maybe.

Maiv had done a damn good job of hiding it, but it was obvious she was on edge. Stress hiding behind the flecks of Amber in her eyes. You knew Maiv had something unusual planned for you, but you hadn’t suspected this. It was almost too trivial. Too simple a task. It was enough to cause you to pause, glancing between Maiv and the young girl that stood at her side. Busy tending to Maiv’s wounds with delicate hands.

The room the five of you currently stood in was nearly as bare as the one Cassian and yourself had taken shelter in. Only a single candledroid lit the tiny area, casting each of you in an eerie glow. Hundreds of these so called “safe houses” were scattered through out the vast urban jungle but rarely would one visit under pleasant circumstances. These weren’t places built for comfort. They were tight cramped spaces, designed more with the smuggling of spice in mind than wayward souls. The fact that Maiv had chosen this of all places to seek shelter didn’t bode well.

Being asked to smuggle her younger sister, Zara, off world was something else entirely.

Allowing the silence to linger, you struggled to process what was truly being asked of you. The weight behind the words. Calm as still water you searched Maiv’s face. Seeking for anything that might betray her guarded nature yet all you could focus on was the remarkable resemblance between the two siblings. Despite the age difference they were practically mirrors of one another. Identical in nearly every way.

It sent a pang through your heart you hadn’t felt in years. An old jealousy that you thought you had outgrown.

Crossing your arms you held your chin high. With every breath it felt as if a knife was being twisted in your side. Typically you could block out pain far better than most but the ache in your ribs persisted. Growing worse with each passing inhale. Under other circumstances you may have asked for a moment to gather yourself but there wasn’t time. A sense of urgency hung in the air like a dense fog. Your mind felt hazy at times but even as you struggled to remain your focus you could tell that something about this simply wasn’t adding up.

Maiv was at the forefront of The Whispers. She had built the notorious group from the ground up. What had began as a handful of disgruntled residents of the crowded Smuggler’s Moon had amassed into a company of pilots, spies, and various other mercenaries that wished to crawl out from under the Empire’s control. In the short time you had known them they were loyal fighters, radical at times, but never malicious or cruel.

Something told you that must have changed. Why else would the Queen of Whispers be appointing you with the safety of her only remaining sibling?

After a bit of coaxing Maiv finally admitted the reasoning behind her seemingly drastic actions. Apparently discontent had began to grow inside the The Whispers. Splitting the group into two factions. Those loyal to Maiv: good people who wished to continue with more none violent acts of rebellion against the Empire, strictly targeting Imperial personnel only, no civilian casualties whatsoever. And those loyal to Arrik: misguided but good people who were so desperate in their fight for freedom they didn’t take into consideration that at this rate no one would be left alive to enjoy it.

To a man like Arrik it didn’t matter. You give them a little bit of power and they fall in all kinds of love with themselves.

All he needed was an army. He had the man power, but lacked the weapons. Withholding Roland’s shipment would’ve provided him that. The first step towards what may have been a successful coupe. Maiv; however, had suspected this and led a successful raid of Arrik’s ship. Claiming the weapons for her own and those loyal to her.

Things hadn’t gone smoothly though, and Maiv had lost five of her best fighters in the process. Seeing as no one outside of her closest allies had knowledge of their mission Maiv came to the sad realization that someone she trusted had betrayed her.

“Why else do you think I’m asking you?” Maiv said somberly. Her attention turned to her sister. The girl was small, her hair in tight braids gathered together in a bun atop her head. She was young but you could tell by the way in which she carried herself that she had seen more than most children her age could fathom.

War has a way of forcing you to grow up quickly.

“I don’t know who among my people I can trust.” Maiv continued, standing up from where she sat propped atop a stool. Her feet dragged on the floor as she made her way towards you.

Cassian hadn’t moved from your side since your arrival. Crammed in the tight space next to you. Hands clasped firmly behind his back as he allowed you to take the floor. The Captain was a proper soldier, yet he suddenly moved closer. His hand suddenly pressed firmly against your back. The other moving to rest atop the blaster attached to his hip. Immediately your own followed, gently coming to rest atop his white knuckles. Peeling his fingers back you laced them through your own. Staring into his deep brown eyes, subconsciously willing him to follow your lead. You knew it wasn’t an easy request, not after everything that had transpired over the last handful of hours; yet after a brief moment that felt as if it stretched on for hours the Captain gave you the faintest of nods. His fingers squeezing your own tightly once more before letting go.

You couldn’t blame Cassian for being on edge. Arrik had fought in the Rebellion for the last three years. He had been his ally. A man who had proved himself loyal enough to be stationed in such a hot bed of activity and he returned this trust with selfish betrayal. Thinking more of himself than the cause he supposedly fought for. He had hoped to murder Roland in cold blood, cut all ties with the Rebellion, and turn a group of local resistance fighters into the harbingers of terror the Empire claimed them to be. Now he lay dead with his fellow cohorts. Those misguided souls who could see no other way to achieve their means than through violence. It should have made the memory of taking their lives easier to bare.

It didn’t.

“You’re desperate.” You muttered, eyes drifting from Cassian’s to Maiv’s. The truth was obvious. She didn’t need to confirm it, yet she nodded her head all the same. Gaze falling to the ground in shame. Maiv had never been one to ask favors. She always preferred doing things on her own. Most people found it aggravating but as a fellow control freak you understood it completely.

‘If you want it done right, best to do it yourself.’

Maiv’s words echoed in your head. And though you hadn’t known her all that well you always respected her independence. To see her now, a deflated woman grasping at what little help she could find bore little resemblance to the tactful leader she once was.

If Maiv was trusting you with her sister’s safety than she clearly had no other form to offer. You we’re undoubtedly a last resort. Still, you couldn’t help but pity the young girl who had taken to staring at you intently. You knew all too well what it was like to have to pack up in the middle of the night and leave your life behind. More importantly you knew how desperate a person had to be to do so.

“I want to join the Rebellion.” Zara finally spoke, stepping away from her sister’s side. Breaking the tense quiet as she came to stop in front of you and Cassian. Her round face still held the last remnants of her youth but her body was lean and athletic. Her expression serious as she held her ground. Suddenly seeming far older than the teenager she was. “I can pilot almost anything and I can hack circles around even your best coders.”

“You know she won’t be any safer in the Rebellion than she would be with you right?” You said to Maiv, turning your attention to the older of the two siblings. It would be a lie to say you weren’t slightly taken back by the expression on her face. The fierce way in which her gaze seemed to bore beyond your own and into the intricate webbing of your soul.

“Yes she will.” Maiv stated firmly without the slightest hint of doubt.

Suddenly you could feel your heart beat in your throat. With a glance to Cassian you awaited a sign of approval. You couldn’t go forward without him. Not in this at least.

If you left now, and something terrible happened because you did nothing than that blood would be on your hands. It would’ve happened because of you.

“How old are you?” Cassian asked, his voice professional as if he were speaking to one of his fellow officers.

“I’m fifteen.” She replied, mirroring her tone to match the Captains.

“We can take her with us.” Cassian sighed, finally relenting to the pressure. Though you had shown no outward signs of want, Cassian could tell what this meant to you. The importance of helping wherever you could. Even if when it went against his protocol, his orders, hell even his better judgment. When you looked at him like that he just couldn’t stand to tell you no. He knew it wasn’t like himself and deep down it frightened him.

When Maiv had insisted that Roland accompany her to the rendezvous point for the weapons pick up you two argued initially. That was until Maiv made it clear that she trusted you, not two random men who she had just met, to smuggle her sister to safety. You knew when not to argue, regardless of how good you were at it, you preferred to avoid it when possible.

Readjusting your weapons you pulled gently at the straps of your bag. Each of which had spent the better part of the last six hours digging into the tender flesh of your shoulders. They hurt like a bitch and truthfully it was through nobody’s fault but your own. You had over packed as per usual yet through all the pain and inconvenience you couldn’t help but smile slightly. For the first time since you met the Captain months ago it felt as if you were finally in the right place at the right time.

You had managed to survive the bombing of Roland’s ship by mere seconds. You had fought your way through two dozen guards along side Cassian to recover Roland safely and if everything were to continue on it’s present course you would return to Base One with a new recruit and a U wing full of weapons.

You should have known better than to expect it to be that easy.

You were only a few yards from Cassian’s ship when all hell broke loose. Over head alarms began to blare loudly. Signaling a security breach. Hurrying your pace you wrapped your arm around the small girl at your side and steered her in the right direction.

The first blaster bolt came so close to its target that as you turned your head you caught the sight of a strand of singed silver blonde hair falling to the ground at your feet.

You had heard of troopers firing on civilians without warning before, hell you had witnessed it first hand, but shooting a person in the back was especially low. Not that you would expect anything less of the Empire.

Cassian began returning fire before you had even unholstered your blaster. Too busy shoving Zara behind the wing of a nearby ship. When you did finally fire, your bolts found their targets easily. Your senses felt suddenly amplified as the movements of those around you seemed to slow to a crawl. It was as if a switch inside you had been flipped. Everything, every movement, every sound felt hyper focused. You couldn’t entirely understand it but you didn’t need to. Not now at least. It was an advantage and you intended to take it.

Racing forward, you grasped a handful of Cassian’s jacket as you flung a sonic grenade in the air. It would explode on impact and should afford you enough time to board Cassian’s ship.

Suddenly you heard the unmistakable hum of U Wings engines powering up behind you. The hiss of its ramp descending quickly. You could even feel the static charge in the air as you stepped closer.

“Clever girl.” You smiled, pulling Cassian with you as you flung yet another grenade over your shoulder. Cassian raced up the ramp first, tossing you his rifle to hold off any remaining troopers until he had completed the final ignition sequence. Out of the corner of your eye you watched Zara inch closer to the door. Your own blaster held tightly between her hands.

“Get back!” You shouted, distracted just long enough not to notice the trooper creeping at your side.

In the blink of an eye Zara had shoved you aside and fired. Hitting the trooper square in the face. The cabin doors slammed shut before his body hit the ground.

“Thanks kid.” A faint of grin pulling at the corner of your mouth as you rose to your feet. Patting Zara on the back as you rushed forward. Leaping into the copilots seat you immediately began flipping switches, completing calculations, and activating the ships shield. It wouldn’t stop massive weapons fire but should keep the blaster damage to a minimum.

Only after you had cleared the larger cities did you allow yourself a moment to catch your breath. Shoulders slumping in your seat as you wiped the sweat from your brow.

“I knew this was a bad idea.” Cassian cursed under his breath, earning him a sideways glare from you. Not that you could be terribly mad, he was right in some sense.

“Why in the hell would they just fire on us like that?” You mused aloud, more to yourself than anyone else.

“Maybe they thought I was my sister.” Zara offered, her voice solemn as she spoke. “The Empire has a bounty out on her.” 

Frowning you couldn’t help but feel sorry for the girl. She was young, only a teenager, and already having to deal with the reality of what the Empire truly was. Of what it did to its enemies.

“Maybe.” Was all the condolence you could offer.

Punching the coordinates for the rendezvous point into the ship’s system you tried to ignore the growing tension between Cassian and yourself. Clearly this was all becoming a bit too much for him. You couldn’t deny that it made sense. Chaos had a way of following you wherever you went. Most people weren’t equipped to deal with it to level at which you did. So you couldn’t blame the Captain for seeming near the end of his rope.

No matter how hard you tried to push it to the back of your mind and focus on the more important tasks at hand you couldn’t help but feel as if there was something bigger at play here. Something more troublesome that you had foolishly over looked. A piece of the puzzle you couldn’t yet perceive but whose existence you couldn’t ignore. You weren’t sure yet just what it was, and perhaps you never would be, but some part of you, deep down in your gut, knew that Cassian had something to do with it.

Truthfully it saddened you to think that you may have ruined the fragile friendship that had formed between yourself and the Captain. You knew you had disobeyed a direct order to stay grounded. You had engaged in combat with both radical locals of an Imperial occupied moon as well as Imperial forces themselves. You had risked recapture and death on a whim fueled by worry without any evidence what so ever to back it up. Such a choice would never make sense to a military man like Cassian Andor. Particularly not if it ended with him being reprimanded. You were his ward after all. 

Still, you stood by your actions. You were secure enough to call yourself out on your mistakes and undoubtedly you had made a few, but the ends justified the means. Part of fighting a war was becoming comfortable with sudden detachment. It wasn’t the sort of thing you had a say in either. It was a necessity if you wanted to survive with even the slightest bit of your sanity intact. People died. They were sent to far away outpost. Sometimes the strain simply became too much and honorable discharges were warranted. It was just part of the packaged deal and even though losing a friend by choice wasn’t an entirely new sensation, it was still a painful one.

Turning your attention away from the controls you allowed your eyes to settle on Cassian. His jaw was clenched tight as he veered the U Wing towards the small splotch of dessert inhabited by the older locals. Valley people had settled there hundreds of years before the second wavers and had chosen to remain loyal to their old ways. It was one of the few areas of the moon not swathed in city life which meant it provided and ideal rendezvous spot.

“Initiating docking sequence.” You said aloud, spinning around in your seat and moving closer towards the U Wing’s doors.

You waited in silence as Maiv’s ship inched closer, docking with your own. Transferring the weapons on the ground would raise far too much suspension. The people of the valley may have been less advanced technologically but they held honor in high regard. Even if it meant turning smugglers over to the Empire. They wouldn’t tolerate crime in the slightest. It stood in direct contrast to their moral code.

Though it was an inconvenience you respected it. The moment you stopped caring about others freedom to think for themselves you forfeited any right to your own.

Eventually the light nearest the lever turned green, signaling a successful attachment as the clamp locked into place. With a hiss the door before you slid open.

“Let’s make this quick.” You clapped your hands gently as you spoke. Motioning for Maiv’s people to begin transferring the half dozen palettes of weapons.

Zara wasted no timing hurrying to her sister’s side. Hugging her tightly as if they had been separated for years rather than a few hours. It had taken you far less time to reach the spaceport Cassian had docked his ship in than it had Roland’s. It would seem the Captain was confident enough in his skills in spy craft to be comfortable hiding in plain sight. You couldn’t lie and say you didn’t find it strangely attractive. A thought you reasoned away as a side effect of exhaustion. A truth you rather not admit to yourself.

“You look better.” You commented, turning sideways to squeeze through the cramped space at the entrance to Maiv’s ship. Pressing your body between pallets of weapons and Maiv’s workers you found Roland slouched in one of the ship’s worn chairs. A look of cheerful tranquility on his face as he smiled up at you. Some of his cuts had been treated and covered with Bacta patches. Quickly you made a mental note to thank Maiv.

“The hell you talking about?” Rolland quipped, his voice slurring ever so slightly. “I always look this flawless.”

“I know you do. Come on buddy.” You laughed, sliding Roland’s arm over your shoulder. Leading him through the the doors of Cassian’s U Wing you carefully sat him atop the ship’s bench. Grabbing a hold of his shoulders firmly you set him up right to keep him from slumping to the slide and ending up on the floor. By the looks of it Maiv’s people had given Roland more than just a few Bacta patches. You couldn’t help but laugh as you ruffled the older man’s curls, even as he batted your hand away.

Fifteen minutes later and the weapons were securely packed and hidden inside the ship’s cargo hold. Maiv’s people were quick and efficient workers. Moving swiftly and leaving behind no trace. Now all that was left were goodbyes.

As you climbed the ladder that led to the ship’s main compartment you felt a cold shiver run through your body. Hands and feet freezing in place. Standing this close you could see the fine hairs on your arms begin to rise. To most people, normal people, it was simply a biological reaction. The odd unexplainable shiver here and there was more of a nuisance than a cause for concern; yet to you it was a silent alarm. A call to action you couldn’t ignore.

Whenever this had happened before there was always a brief moment of hesitation. A sense of denial, of disbelief. No matter how clear the truth of the matter was you had always taken that extra second or two to rationalize it away as simply a coincidence. As luck. A happy turn of chance. Yet deep down you knew that there was no such thing.

“Luck doesn’t just exist, you make your own.”

That inescapable feeling continued to wash over you. Crashing waves that sharpened your senses and centered your focus. Swallowing the lump in your throat you gave into that old familiar itch. Letting it guide your body forward as if on auto pilot. With steady heads you rushed up the ladder. Nearly tripping as Roland slumped to the ground in front of your feet. The clunk of his head against the steel of the ships hull eliciting a hiss from between your teeth. 

So much for keeping him upright...

Now you could add a possible concussion to the litany if injuries Roland had racked up. Yet you kept up your pace. Leaping over the pilots groaning form before landing firmly in front of the ships controls. Doing so far more gracefully than what you were accustomed to. Not that you were a clumsy person by nature. You merely found yourself at the mercy of unforgiving gravity on a daily basis. 

“We’ve got company!” You shouted over your shoulder. Leaning over Cassian as you began keying in the calculations for the nearest hyperspace lane. Fully taking control of the ships systems and as you shifted engine power to the necessary power cells. Elbowing Cassian into his seat as he tried to slide his arms through your own and take back control of his ship.

“What are you talking about I don’t see-“ Cassian began to ask but the words died on his lips the moment his eyes caught sight of what sat in front of him. Of what had caused the blood the drain from your face. Turning your skin a lighter shade of pale as you turned to face him. A series of dots suddenly appeared on the ships radar as the both of you leaned in even closer. Bright red and ominous. Reflected like specks of confetti against the fear in your eyes. It made you feel like a child to be frightened of what was currently such a tiny thing, yet you knew what they would grow to become.

Over a dozen Imperial ships dropping out of hyperspace to converge on your position. The moment they found you it would be over. The various paths you had envisioned for your life simultaneously coming to the same abrupt end. There could be only one reason for such a mass of Imperial forces over such an otherwise mundane location. They were here for something of great importance, or someone.

“Everyone to their stations now!” Maiv yelled loudly as she rose to her feet. Zara’s hand slipping reluctantly from her sister’s grip. In the blink of an eye Maiv existed the U Wing. Boots thumping loudly against the steel floor.

“What the hell are you thinking?” You cursed as you rushed to follow. Ducking your head as you leap through the docking area and back into Maiv’s ship. Without all the pallets of weapons you realized it was in better shape than when you had last flown in it. Still, it was no match for a dozen Imperial ships and countless TIE fighters. “There’s too many to fight. Just get the hell out of here!”

But even as you spoke the words you knew they had fallen on deaf ears. Their was an odd sense of resolve to Maiv’s expression. An unnatural calm. As if she weren’t about to lead her ship and all those aboard on what could only be described as a suicide mission.

“Take my sister.” Maiv insisted, true emotion finally returning to her voice. For a brief moment you caught a glimpse of the Maiv you had once known. The young woman you had gotten drunk with on stolen Corellian  whine and taught how to play Sabacc. Beneath the though exterior, the commanding leader she had become, she was still that same person who had dream of opening a cantina one day after the Empire fell.

It made everything that came next all the more painful.

“I can buy you some time just get her to the Rebellion.” With desperation in her eyes Maiv pleaded.

Shaking your head in disbelief you fought the urge to order Maiv’s people to mutiny against her for all of their sake. Maiv’s included. But you knew Maiv. You stood over the very Valley in which she had been raised. Had witnessed the heartbreak on her mother’s face when you arrived at their family’s door bearing the last of her son’s belongings. The only pieces left of him to mourn. His body left behind to rot on frigid forest planet on the opposite side of the galaxy.

To order Maiv to flee would be asking her to betray all she had fought for. The morals that had driven her forward in this fight. There was no sense in fighting her. So instead, you would join her. Put an end to your running once and for all. A quick rush towards a sudden stop. In the blink of an eye you gripped Maiv by the arm tightly. Fingers curling into the fabric of her coat.

“I’m not going anywhere.” You stated firmly, reaching behind you with the opposite hand to slam the lever that would close the docking bay doors. “Cassian will get your sister to Rebellion. He’s one of their best.”

You had suspected Maiv to argue, to shake her head in anger and recoil from your grip yet she simply smiled gently and placed her hand over your own.

“My dear friend.” She began, her voice soft and steady. Warm eyes brimming with tears yet she didn’t weep. Not at all distraught by the prospect of her impending death. “When will you see? Fear is just another offer at their alter.”

Before you could reply you felt it. A sensation you hadn’t truly felt in years. The strange pull you had only faintly sensed in the cargo hold. On the cold desert where you had first met Cassian, and that horrible night you returned to every time you closed your eyes to sleep. Only this time it wasn’t merely a feeling. It was tangible. Amplified. You could almost touch the invisible force as it lifted you off your feet and sent you flying through the now open doors and back into Cassian’s U Wing.

The air in your lungs flew from your lips as your body finally collided with the unforgiving hull of Cassian’s ship. In shock you watched on as the doors slid closed in front of you. A hairs breath before Zara’s quick feet could reach them. Forever severing her from a life with a sister. Immediately she began fighting with the doors mechanics before resorting to banging on them wildly. Fists clenched and white knuckled.

“Open the fucking door!” She cried.

“The Undocking sequence is locked in.” Cassian replied, glancing over his shoulder at you. His own face looks pale now. Unsure of what exactly it is that just happened but more so, he was struck with an overwhelming feeling of having no control. “I can’t override it.”

“Make the jump.” You stated numbly from where you sat. Too afraid to move. Frozen like the marble statues mama had shown you on a trip to one of Alderaan’s many museums. Even as a child you had marveled at their beauty. Now you pitied them. The thought of a life forever fixed with a single emotion sounded horrible. Particularly if it felt anything like this.

Pushing yourself off the ground you coughed into your hand as you shuffled towards the ships controls. The black sky in front of you was filling up quickly with large pristine white Imperial ships as you double checked your calculations. You couldn’t risk a jump if it would lead you headfirst into a destroyer. Even colliding with a smaller single fighter would be fatal at that speed. At your left a small alarm began to chime. Your ship was being targeted but you weren’t alone. Maiv’s ships had began targeting the largest of the Imperial’s. Their gunner turrets firing as a fleet of TIE fighters spilled from the side of a destroyer. Following Maiv’s ship as it whipped further away from Cassian’s.

“She’s drawing all their fire.” Cassian mumbled beneath you, his hands reaching for his weapons control stick. For the second time that night you reach forward and grasped a hold of his hand. Shaking your head gently as you instead reached above your head for the light speed lever. You didn’t need to stick around to see how this would end. Maiv had sealed her fate the moment she began targeting Imperial ships. If your systems picked up on it theirs undoubtedly would as well. It was a death sentence, plain and simple yet Maiv had chosen her own. Regardless of what followed, of what truly came after, the Empire could never rob Maiv of that. 

With a shaky breath you gripped the lever tightly, turning to watch as Zara continued to fight with U Wings doors to no avail. She would certainly blame you for leaving her sister behind, it was only natural, yet you knew what had to be done.

“I’m sorry.” You muttered weakly, pulling the lever forward as the sky outside the ship’s windows turned into a blur of blue and white light. Out of the corner of your eye you could see movement but made not attempt to step aside. Instead welcoming the searing hot pain as it enveloped the side of your head before the darkness swallowed you.

It was your own fault. You had it coming...

[theseviolentdelightss]

“I was here I lived, I loved I was here I did, I’ve done, everything that I wanted And it was more than I thought it would be I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here”

[theseviolentdelightss]

Godspeed, Rebels

[theseviolentdelightss]

Romeo and Juliet: Act II Scene VI