thesoggy-1

[thesoggy-1]

I never thought the idea of sex, especially with YOU, would hurt as much as it does. I do wanna have sex with you; believe me. i just dont think it's your friends business. Its so fucking painful that you would treat sex with me like you would any other woman. watching porn, admitting to looking at other girls, being proud of it, not thinking im forever.

why would you even bother telling me you love me if its not forever.?

no, i guess i dont wanna have sex with you. but not in a you way. i dont think i wanna have sex at all. not when other people are involved. you would just call me hot, easy, quick, loud, tight. not beautiful. not pretty. not gorgeous.

really, i should be greatful anyone wants to fuck me period i guess. but at the same time; i wish it had more meaning behind it.

youre the only person i want to have a meaning with. and you dont want that with me.

it fucking hurts. im crying like a bitch writing this. it hurts. why wouldnt you want me the way i want you?

to love it to want. to want is to love. do you love me for my body? or my soul? am i beautiful to you? even if i said you couldnt touch me. would you still come over to me every morning in the cafeteria? or sit with me on the hard days?

or do you do that because "girls like that stuff"

what is it.?

do you care about helping me pick what earrings to wear? or what my favorite color is? what my dogs names are? things ive memorized about you. things i would be more than happy to care about for you. i learned how to play games you liked just to play with you. to have a matching intrest.

but its like having circus elephants act like show dogs. its not a natural click.

ive written you love letters, told you you were beautiful in a tee shirt and sweatpants with your hair braided, kissed your forehead. and you didnt even talk to me on my birthday.

[thesoggy-1]

i feel like you dont need me

i've always said

the worst pain

is someone not feeling the same pain when it affects them too.

feeling dramatically

emphatically

irrevocably

undoubtedly

hopelessly

in love

feeling love for someone

obsessed with them even.

degredation.

theres a very strong chance they dont feel the same

especially for me

thats what's happening now.

you say you love me and the dont talk to me in public.

you say im enough

you say im beautiful

you say im so loved by you

but still

i feel like you dont need me.

-C. Lee

[thesoggy-1]

breakfast lovers

"what the hell is your deal?"

eggshells drop to the ground

you were cooking me breakfast rather bitterly

i can only remember you being bitter

you buttered me up when you wanted to fuck me

that's the only time you were kind

"are you gonna answer?"

why were you asking me this?

why do you always ask for more?

you had whipped back looking me in the eyes this time

your hair tied back in its normal bun, shaved to the sides

i missed your long hair.

"honey, breakfast is almost ready."

you said with a smile

danish accent for this land was not yours

miles to kilometers

inches to centimeters

fahrenheit to celsius

"how'd you sleep last night? i know you said something about your dreams bothering you again"

no i hadn't

but you knew

frost blue eyes

soft pale skin

and oh yes the dreams. they were bad, too vivid

i was losing you and id never even met you

"how do you like your eggs?"

you had your back turned

you thought i was strong

dark skin, beautiful teeth and eyes

id thought about stealing them.

"i'll put some sugar in your coffee, babe. just let me take care of you"

you were different. i liked it.

you didn't hide you told me things

we were both fucked and we knew that.

god, if only you knew how bad it was

"i saw my dad"

you filled me with dread

i can't remember you anymore

you moved away as i tried to move closer

gore and such. made me want-

maybe i shouldn't write that, not yet.

"and you still don't talk. what's wrong with me"

nothing, it's my fault

but no its not. it yours

your blood, made me this way

your last name

it's not your fault. why can't you be less like him?

you even cook like him. though you are your mothers child

"emily and cameron wanted to see if we wanted to go."

it was never just us, you were scared of me

filipino, gorgeous

shaggy black hair

lips, god your lips

"my mom said she likes you"

this is the last time i'll be here, you're too scared

i can tell

you're nervous, your hands shaking as you flip the pan

no matter how gentle i am

i suppose i'm too loud, too many 'fuck you''s

"i need a ride home"

of course you do, maybe give me my shit back.

you knew it was important

i'm glad it's giving you nightmares

you gave me nightmares

i hate you

"as long as you're happy, baby"

you'd stop cooking, black coffee

please, i'm asking for help.

please please please

don't promote it; i just wanna see myself

do you think i need too?

does it make you hard?

do you get off on suffering? of course you do

“too bad you don't realize"

flipped the toast with a sigh

i'll leave you to think that.

play the fool, i had a feeling you knew

no we laugh about how it happened

maybe I had convinced both of us

"i suppose if you wouldn't have texted--"

yeah yeah you've said it before.

you're such a bitch sometimes

you and your mom probably hate me

i'll see you tomorrow, though

i still love you, friend

"i'm sorry, you're not leaving, right?"

god shut up. you're getting tears in my tea

i'm often bitter but not at people other than myself

but you were an exception.

all you did was not hurt me back.

why aren't you angry

"i still love you"

of course you do.

anxious attachment style was your personality

i hated it, it terrified me.

you were too close yet so fucking far

maybe i'm the crazy one, for helping you

maybe your theories were right, music and pot

maybe you're my soulmate, love and distance

maybe you're the realistic one, near and truthful

maybe you're just like him, awful and tormentous

maybe it was me, loud and secret

maybe it's good i don't have you to take care of, needy and childlike

maybe will be best friends for life, fire and air

maybe i was the crazy one.

"nothing, i just want you to stop"

"thank you, love. and they're getting better now that you're real"

"well done. thank you so much, you know sleeps hard. I love you"

"you're too much like him. you scare me"

"yeah that's fine with me. your mom seems sweet, i'm glad"

"no, you have no regard for me. why would i give you a ride?"

"yeah, haha i guess you're right. i'm glad i did"

"i can't do this. please let me go."

"Breakfast is ready"

-C. Lee