thespaceinmybed - Tumblr blog

[thespaceinmybed]

If I am pregnant

I’m not going tell him

I’ll just live with the murder of it

Inside me

Like everything else

I won’t worry about it

Yet

Like everything else

I can’t afford to love anything but him

I barely love myself

You don’t believe I’ll do it

You probably thought I was joking

I didn’t want to think

You were serious

When you said what you said

I feel you trying to keep me

Any way possible

I won’t

I won’t

I won’t

Have it

I don’t care

I will

Kill it

Kill it

Kill it

Better earlier than later

Sorry lover

I’m at the capacity of things I can love

You are it

I cannot be what you want me to be

I am not

That

Soft inside

[thespaceinmybed]

‘I want to have your abortion’

I get it now

This feeling

This incapacity to leave

The compulsion to obey

I will be whatever you want

I don’t need a reason

I have a thousand in every moment

In every way you look at me

You can destroy me

I will take it

I’m on my knees for you

Place your hands on me

I will take the weight of your past

Your sorrow

Your emptiness

Your hate

I will be what you need

Give it all to me

I can take it

[thespaceinmybed]

You make the nightmares

Less real

Your hands are strong and I need them inside me

This is becoming

Something I crave

Every hour

Every day

You belong

In my every moment

I try to see my life without you

And it is painful to breathe

I look into your eyes

And there’s answers to all my doubts

This is dangerous I know

To become so

Enamored

Entrenched

In someone else’s

Words

Smile

Skin

I refuse to live without you

I will spend my minutes pressing my lips to your flesh

Worshipping you

The best way I know how

[thespaceinmybed]

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to begin as soon as possible”

— “When Harry met Sally”

[thespaceinmybed]

The nightmares haven’t stopped

But you somehow wake up

And hold me

And tell me everything is going to be ok

It’s nice

But

I’d rather not be touched

The guilt and the shame still live in my bones

They are buried too deep to sunder

Is your love temporary?

There’s a price

I just wish I knew what it was

Before I decide

I can be happy

[thespaceinmybed]

I’ve never had anyone tell me

They loved me

So many times

It’s getting to my head

I can get used to this

You worship my body with words and hands

It’s surreal

How dedicated we are to fucking each other

I will take all parts of you

Into me

And always crave more

You are every dream I’ve ever had

You hold me and I feel

Loved

Wanted

Satisfied

I have never had anyone

Be so convincing of their desire

For me

You intoxicate me everyday

With your words

Let’s run away together

Leave our struggles behind

Let’s run naked through the wilderness

Let’s have sex under the stars

Let’s live everyday

Like it’s our last

Let’s love each other

Until we die

[thespaceinmybed]

Is this what it is

To be so devastated by want

To have someone fit into

Your empty spaces

So beautifully

Your voice

Your laugh

The way you run your hands all over me

What would I do without you

It scares me

This pull

This attraction

How much I love talking to you

Kissing you

Playing board games with you

You fit me

Like no one ever has

And it terrifies me

That I can feel such weakness

That I have gained so much

It would be so painful

A loss

I can’t contemplate

Being

Without you

How would I exist

Your whispered affections against my skin

Are what make me

A real person

[thespaceinmybed]

I wanted and I wanted and I wanted

And I got it

You seem to desire me in every breath every moment

As I wait to find the truth in you

You do not waiver

I should have asked for a million dollars

This is me asking

I want to not just be ok

To feel ok

Thriving

Able to adventure to other countries

Without worry

I want you with me

Every step of the way

I want to try a thousand dishes in a thousand cities

And make love in a thousand hotel rooms

I want everything

With you

I want you to devour me in expensive sheets

And when I feel

Your finger in my mouth

And you looking down on me

Only then

Will I will feel

Appeased

[thespaceinmybed]

We have that kind of destruction inside us

We’re harboring that kind of love that

Rips and burns and gnashes with teeth

The kind that is filled with obsession

And never ends well

If this doesn’t end well

We will have both shattered

A part of our humanity

We thought

Dead

We will have raised

The impossible

The tender aching lonely shy bits

Fed them

Watered them

Let them believe they were alive

Then tear them

Limb from bleeding limb

Pretend

We never felt anything so sublime

In our short and sad lives

If this doesn’t end well

I will never again

Submit myself

To someone’s hands

So completely

[thespaceinmybed]

Tie me up

Control me

Hurt me

I will thrive

Stick your fingers down my throat

And tell me

Keep me

Guessing

What you will do next

Place your palms against my skin and then strike

I will breathe for you

I will pant for you

I will open for you

I will swallow you like a dream I could never touch

Spit on me

I like it

Turn me into someone pathetic

Make it hurt

Make it real

So

I can feel

alive

[thespaceinmybed]

It’s getting to that place

I thought I would never be again

If you leave me I don’t think I want to live

I have dug myself deeper with each word

Each touch

And now you are everything

And it’s painful

To contemplate

There’s no one else

There’s nothing else

You are the only one that sees me

You are the only one I see

I cannot lose you

I refuse to bear it

I will love you until my mind is no longer mine

Until my skin no longer wants

Until my hands no longer force feelings onto blank pages

Until my name is nothing

But dust in dead mouths

[thespaceinmybed]

The sorrow and the high fluctuated through the night

You grab my face with both hands

And tell me

Things I have no right knowing

But they calm my panic

And I slip back into the haze of another reality

Where my friends aren’t recognized

And I ask you not to touch me

I dance until I have no breath

And find myself on the asphalt

Who are our enemies

Not the half pill under my tongue

Not your past that strangles my love

No

Who hurts us

Just us

Just

Us

[thespaceinmybed]

You are more than the wishes

Buried in my heart

You are the warmth in my bed

The name on my lips

You are unshakable

In your belief in me

I don’t deserve it

But I’ll hold it in my palms and whisper promises

You are the quiet in my head

The fire in my flesh

You are more than words

You are a gift I can’t afford

My desperate hands will grip

This treasure

Until they no longer fear

Or shake

Or bleed

[thespaceinmybed]

It’s just me spinning out of my head again

I feel you

It’s comforting

Your voice is reassuring

My insides are broken

Splintering

Bitter

Things

I try so hard to make them

Resemble

Strength

I forgive you nothing

Even if you had done anything

You wouldn’t hurt me

Purposely

Never

I am the mean one

I am the selfish one

I am more likely to destroy beautiful things

Like the way that you love me

[thespaceinmybed]

The problem is me

I think you are a liar

I don’t believe anything you tell me

What did you say to her

What is this feeling

Like I’m a joke you both laugh about

It’s at my fingertips

The memory

But the drugs made the night

Unsteady

I don’t know what is real and what was just in my head

Am I causing this

Is this how I destroy myself

And us

Before anyone else can

[thespaceinmybed]

My dreams grow dark

They chase me

They are trying to kill me

I play dead

Their hands

Are inside me

I play dead

They don’t stop

What if what plagues me

Is inside

And I will never rid myself of

The suppressed memories

What if

I don’t know how to not be broken

What if pretending I’m ok

Always

Isn’t enough?

[thespaceinmybed]

It was a feeling

That crawled between my chest and skin

I love him in a way I can’t describe

He is

Devouring

A hungry mouth that says all the right things

Desperate hands

That hide nothing and want constantly

He looks at me like I am divine

Otherworldly

I have no response

But to drink in his admiration

He wants me

Always

And yet

Something in me

Still

Doubts