thespectrespecss

[thespectrespecss]

O Lord,
there are shadows still lingering in my story—
wounds I don’t always speak of,
choices I wish I could rewrite,
paths I walked in pride,
affections I gave too quickly,
truths I carry that feel too heavy.

My past,
my upbringing,
the loves I lost,
the friendships that faded,
the knowledge that hurt more than it helped—
they sit in my hands like stones.
And still, I grip them.

Today, I bring them to your altar.
Not to ask you to erase them,
but to let you redeem them.

Let them be monuments of your mercy,
not compasses formed in fear.
Let them whisper of your grace,
not shout with shame.

No longer do I want to be led by what broke me.
I now want to walk in love,
to move in faith, and
to live unafraid.

For you, O God, are my strong hand.
You steady me when I shake.
You hold me when I cannot hold myself.
You guide me not with pressure, but with peace.

So I release the tight grip—
I loosen my hold.
You are my direction.
You are my compass.
You are enough. More than enough.

[thespectrespecss]

IMMEASURABLY MORE

I had a beautiful day swimming in the sea today.

The sky was thick with clouds, the kind that you know is already full of rain. I just got i the water. I didn’t want to spoil my only time to swim in this trip. So… I pleaded to God if he could just break the clouds and make the sky clear. I was asking, with a pout and puppy eyes. It felt impossible, but I asked anyway… you know, like a daughter tugging on her father’s hand, hoping he might just say yes. But the clouds didn’t break. On the contrary, they gathered more and more, until the sky just couldn’t hold them anymore. Then the rain came. It ooured HARD.

I waited for disappointment to hit, but I suddenly remembered something I said to myself yesterday—how I had always wanted to swim in the sea while it rained. And now, there I was, caught in a heavy downpour while floating in the water, with every raindrop dancing around me like it was coming home.

The rain wasn’t rejection of my prayer after al. It was a gift I didn’t know I still wanted.

When the clouds had finished weeping, they parted. The sky suddenly opened, calm and wide, just in time for the sun to set. Beautiful. I was in deep awe.

Yes, I had asked for clear skies and a sunset. And he gave me the rain first, then everything else I asked for—better, deeper, more full of wonder than I imagined.

In that moment, I felt like a little girl again. Like a daughter in an amusement park, wanting to ride a different ride, ready to throe a tantrum, but her dad knew she needed this one first. And somehow, this ride turned out to be her favorite. She didn’t want to get off.

I think that’s what today was. My father’s kindness unfolding and just his joy in watching mine.

[thespectrespecss]

I’m back in the province, finally got to convince myself that I also deserve a rest. So… Lately, my anger has been leaking in many areas—into conversations, into my thoughts, even into how I’ve been responding to this guy I like. I know deep down that this anger isn’t new. I grew up in a home where anger was just the default emotion. We were angry when we were sad, scared, insecure, even when we didn’t know what else to feel. It’s the only emotion we were really taught to show.

Now that I’m learning to actually feel—really feel—it’s like something rotten has finally been given space to surface. I just absolutely hate how it spills out. I hate how it affects the way I relate to people, how I relate to God, how I see myself.

Sometimes, I get insecure. I catch myself wishing I had a healthier upbringing, like my friends who seem so whole, so ready, now getting married or living stable lives. When I see the guy I like giving more attention to girls who seem more secure, I start to believe the lie that I’ll never be enough— that I’m too messy to be loved that way. I even find myself blaming God sometimes, questioning why he let things happen the way they did.

But I also know this: all of it shaped me. Every painful thing formed something strong in me. I’ve learned how to love deeply, how to care with intention, how to be real with others. So now, I just want to realign with God. I want this trip to be about him— coming back to him with everything I am.

I want to draw so close to God that I breathe the same air he breathes. I want to be near enough to hear even his silent whisper. I want to reignite the fire in me and love him more than anything. I’m tired of being led by emotion. I want to be led by love—by his love. Completely.

[thespectrespecss]

“I don’t know what your past is like, but in this life, YOU ARE A GUARDIAN.”

On a random Monday, I decided to watch Rise of the Guardians since Netflix had just added it back to their movie list. The last time I watched this film was the year before I really got to know Jesus. I didn’t expect it to speak to me on such a deeply spiritual level. It was like a message that had always been there—hidden in plain sight—just waiting for someone to point it out to me.

There was this sense of wonder that washed over me as I realized that God was beaming at me with that knowing smile, as if to say, “You see it now, don’t you?” It was magical—realizing he was speaking to me through this movie.

There were specific scenes that struck me on such an intimate level. It felt like God was revealing the season I’m in right now—in every area of my life: work, ministry, calling, relationships, future—and then adding his own “pixie dust” to reignite the awe and wonder in my heart. Here are the parts that had me crying and reflecting on how good he is:

The moment the original Guardians doubted why the Man on the Moon chose Jack Frost—even Jack doubted it himself.

He didn’t understand why he was chosen. He felt like he couldn’t do what the others did. And so began this quest to figure out why he was chosen.

This hit so close to home. Two years ago, I struggled with deep doubts about why God placed me where I am. Even last year, when I got hired as church staff, I found myself wondering, “Why me?” I felt like other people who knew me probably thought the same thing. I loved that moment when North (Santa) helped Jack understand that he needed to know his core—what drives him, what fuels his purpose—even if he didn’t fully understand it yet.

I related so much to that. I doubted myself because I didn’t know or understand my own core. I mean, six years ago, I thought children were little spawns of chaos (and honestly, sometimes they are), but even then, they would naturally gravitate toward me in any setting. There was something in me that was made to ignite wonder in children. It was innate. But still, I kept asking, What is my core?

The moment Jack taught the original Guardians how to actually interact with a kid.

They realized they hadn’t played with the children they were protecting in a long time. North said they’d been so busy trying to make the kids happy, they forgot to be with them.

That moment was so real. The Guardians started doing what they were known for—but there was Jack, simply being present with the kids. He understood what they needed. He spoke their language. That reminded me so much of how God pursues me—how personal and intentional he is. He’s present, and because of that, he knows me best. He knows exactly how to love me, what makes me happy, what hurts me, what triggers me. And he knows how to handle me best.

It also made me think of how I serve in Kids Ministry, or even fast forward to the day I become a parent. I don’t want to get so caught up doing things for God or for others that I forget to be with God and with the people I love. I want to be present. I want to love and be loved where I am—in every moment.

The moment Jack discovered his core: he protected kids because he genuinely loved and had fun with them.

He spent time with them. He had a bond with them. He carried a burden to protect them because he loved them—like how he saved his sister and sacrificed himself.

This reminded me of Jesus—so naturally nurturing, sacrificial, and deeply loving. He willingly gave his life. He loved unconditionally and forgave freely. His core was love. That’s where he led from, spoke from, and sacrificed from. I want that. I want a core that is grounded in pure, unwavering love.

When Pitch (the Boogeyman) said they couldn’t get rid of him because fear would always exist.

But the Guardians, now including Jack, said that even if fear is always around, they would always be there too. As long as one child believes, they would keep fighting.

This hit me hard as someone in kids ministry. We’re all called to love and follow Jesus, and to help seek and save the lost. Of course, I know God doesn’t need me to do this—he’s God—but how beautiful is it that he chooses to use me anyway?

He uses this ministry and our wonderful team to keep faith alive in the hearts of children. So yes, fear may come. Shame might sneak in. But we’ll help fight fear—with perfect love.

When Jamie—the last kid who still believed—worried that the Guardians might leave.

Jack asked, “Do you stop believing in the sun when the moon comes out?” and “Do you stop believing in the sun when clouds cover it?” Jamie said no.

And Jack told him, “It’s the same with us. We’ll always be here. We’ll always be in here,” pointing to Jamie’s heart. “Which makes you a Guardian too.”

Of course, this led me to Hebrews 11:1. What a promise—what an assurance we have in God. Even if we can’t see him, we can trust that he’s moving, working, and walking with us through it all. He lives in our hearts, and the same love he gives us is the love we get to share with others.

——————————

I’ve always loved this movie. But now? I love it even more.

I’m reminded of how good my Father is. How much he sees me. I’m still in awe—how could someone so vast, so majestic, take notice of me? I’m just a mere speck in this universe. And yet… he saw me. He chose me. He sent me.

I love when he speaks to me through the things I love. It’s so personal. So intimate.

He knows exactly how to love me.

How blessed am I? Why would I ever settle for crumbs from anyone, when I’m loved superabundantly by my Father in heaven?

[thespectrespecss]

Journey through the MYTHS

Setting sail into a sea of monsters, I knew trouble lay ahead. People warned me and tried to stop me, but I believed the Golden Fleece would heal my aching heart.

I traveled alone, never looking back, promising myself to keep my mind and heart strong. I faced the fury of Charybdis, its pull trying to drag me under, and I barely escaped Scylla’s snapping jaws.

At last, I reached a place of promise, a bright and beautiful grove that made me want to dance. But before I could pluck the fleece from the tree, the cyclops Polyphemus appeared. He claimed the fleece as his own and told me I had no chance of ever taking it. I tried to outsmart him, even pleading and seducing, but with a single swipe, he brushed me aside.

As the fleece shone even brighter, I realized I had ignored so many warnings. I could only cry as I saw the truth.

With empty hands and a heavy heart, I left that place, never to return. No longer chasing a false cure, I turned to the one true source of love—Jesus. In His light, I found real healing and hope, leaving behind the empty myths of old.

Now my path is clear, my heart is full, and I have found my true home in His love so sure.

[thespectrespecss]

Coffee; Tea—

How can something I love make me feel the worst?

Sweet. Cravings satisfied. A momentary fix—ficxation appeased.

One sip makes me cringe, a bitter scrunch of my face. Nope—this ain’t it. It tastes like feet.

And yet, somehow, it soothes me. It calms me. It brings me peace. But it tastes so bad— Or does it?

Or have I just convinced myself that, because it’s not what I’m used to, it isn’t good at all? Have I blinded myself to better things just to cling to what I want?

But what has that ever given me? A heart racing, a mind spiraling, a stampede in my chest, and a gaping emptiness that never really leaves.

Why do I feel so hollow? Why are we here again?

Maybe I keep walking this same road just to remind myself— this isn’t what I want. This isn’t where I’m running anymore.

I think I’m quitting coffee.

[thespectrespecss]

"When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay. But when you want me but no longer need me, I have to go." — Nanny McPhee

It’s so easy to pray away the season we’re in, wishing we could fast-forward to the next. But what if there’s more to this moment than we realize? What if, in our impatience to move forward, we overlook the purpose of where God has placed us right now?

We often want what’s ahead but forget that growth actually happens in the now. We get so caught up in reaching the next stage that we miss the beauty of his grace in this one. We long for what we want while dismissing what we really need. And when the season finally shifts, we realize too late that we didn’t embrace it while we had it.

Are we really stuck? Or are we simply too fixated on our own timeline to recognize that God’s timing is always perfect?

The Bible reminds us in Ecclesiastes 3:1, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." Just like the words of Nanny McPhee, maybe this season stays because we need it, even if we don’t want it. And maybe, when we’ve learned what we’re meant to, when we’ve grown into who we’re supposed to be, it will be time to step into the next—fully prepared, fully refined.

So what if, instead of rushing ahead, we trust that this season—no matter how uncertain or slow—is exactly where we’re meant to be? Because maybe, just maybe, there is purpose in the waiting, grace in the growing, and joy to be found in the now.

[thespectrespecss]

—and how do I even steward my heart without being afraid of it?

Script #3261716: you feel too much

[thespectrespecss]

MONDAY CURRENTLY VOL. 7

Wel what do you know... MONDAY CURRENTLY after 9038429349348 years. Hahaha But yeah, just needed to really write all my thoughts tonight but I don't know where to start. So let's do it the structured way without me having to scribble so hard on my journal notebook. It has gone through a lot the past 3 months. Anyway, let's get this this started...

reading my previous journal entry, with the verses and points to remember when my heart flutters again. So cute of myself to write "hi, future lency. this is march 12, 2025 1:39am lency reminding you to read all these as necessary. God loves and sees you AS YOU. Remember that." Such a cutie, that girl.

writing I'll actually be writing a lot of messy thoughts tonight, with the hope to actually sort them out.... just the joy of seeing them all thrown up in a page, with my assorted colored pens, each color indicating a tone or a feeling-- or can totally be random too.

listening the raw, unfiltered, and no music background noise of 11:21pm in our area--- tricycle honks, motorcycle engines, our fan, car alarms. I have recently discovered that my brain works well without music as I tend to just sing most of it.

thinking about last Sunday's preaching, my friend's wedding next month, my two old friends (who I'm no longer speaking to) getting together and me realizing I have actually been shipping them both since (yung kilig ko :">), Moana 2, my fear of the unknown, Sundays. what to eat tomorrow... and probably everything else. It's a loud night in my head tonight.

smelling the rubbing alcohol I used to wipe stains off the table before putting my laptop, bible, and notebook here.

wishing praying for this week to just unravel as it should. that God blesses me with BIG COURAGE to just STEP ASIDE and do what he wants to do. At the same time, grants me protection from unnecessary thoughts and feelings. also more boldness--- in all areas.

hoping for a good yet affordable lunch tomorrow. I want lutong-bahay again.

wearing random pair of clothes I pulled out from my closet last night. yes, Mondays, I allow myself to be potato and gross.

loving the movies I watched today that God spoke to me with. he really meets you anywhere. I freakin cried so much with Moana 2. I don't know if it's a sunday hangover or my season is really just that season of embracing the big things coming.

wanting to take a warm shower. I probably would.

needing a time to breathe. I feel like I'm so all-over-the-place recently. I need to just 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

feeling so scared and sad and weirded out by so many feelings. I am probably getting my period any day now. Or maybe just need to take out the filter and just vomit this all up to God. I'm sorry, I have no other better term that could describe exactly what it feels like right now. What a Monday. The week hasn't even started yet for me. But despite all that... HE IS GOOD. I believe and trust that he is good and that he's seen it all, even the stupidity and eccentricity from none other than me... HE WENT AHEAD, AND HE'S EXCITED FOR ME--- for however it's going to be. He knows he's getting all the glory.

[thespectrespecss]

Okay, let's try this again.

I've been writing more but reading less. More words unsaid, more feelings suppressed.

"It can't be that hard," they said. "Just pick up a pen, a paper--- you're all set" What you don't understand is that they're all just cluttered in my head. Twisted lines, scribbles, and rambles; You could say it's all just in shambles. So we attempted some lines, some rhymes, and some words... I just don't write like I used to. Maybe coz I'm thinking so much about what others would say. Who will even read this? Who will even care? Anyway, hey it's 2025. I'm here again but without the pressure of making everything grammatically perfect. Thank, God I've shaken that off... not entirely, though. But at least we're far from it. *internal celebration* So, a lot has already happened ((don't worry, I still have the same crush I had in 2023. so consistent, it's giving *loyal*)) but I guess with all the changes that happened, I'm most proud of how my faith changed in 2024.

You know the story of the blind guy that Jesus healed-- the one where the scales fell off. That's precisely how 2024 felt for me. It felt like layers upon layers were stripped off, and I'm just walking in a completely new skin, you know, like a baby's skin. The irony is that the more I grew more confident, the more pimples my face grew. I don't know what the deal is with my breakouts. I never had this back when I was an alcoholic, in a toxic relationship, had bad hygiene care ((in college, yech)), lying on dirty floors, always crying myself to sleep, and always lacking sleep because I was in a musty computer shop the whole night... AND I'LL ALWAYS GET, "OMG, YOUR SKIN IS SO FLAWLESS; YOU HAVE NO PORES. " I used to beam with pride, saying, "Oh, I only use the same soap I use for my body," AND NOW??? Lord, can I pray my pimples away? Yet faith without works is dead... But I have done so much works. What else should I do?

Back to my faith...

I am just grateful that despite having less structured devo times, I feel closer to God more than ever. I feel like he's just breathing on me. And you know, when God breathes on something, IT COMES ALIVE. Like, dude, that's precisely how MAN was created. I hope you've read the bible enough to reach that part. And I'm only realizing it as I write how he's been breathing so much life into me lately-- in different areas.

I haven't written anything about this last year ((I'm not even sure if I ever will)) but I've been working for our church for almost 8 months. It's quite a ride. I have never felt more inadequate... yet still chosen, pursued, and really pushed to see how God sees me, and my leaders ((you call them bosses, aheee)) have been encouraging me to exercise my authority to where God placed me this season. It's honestly been a wild ride. I still have this irrational fear that they have a stack of files in their desk somewhere labeled, "All things Lency did wrong," and it's already piling up that the drawer can't even be closed anymore. LOL. But I believe I'm better than May 2024 Lency... and she must be really proud to know that. *internal high five*

The other night, I was talking to one of my friends who I serve with. He told me about the favor that has been happening in his life, how it's all just accelerating at a pace only possible with God. And I love that what he's challenged this season is how he would be a better steward of everything. My goodness, what a problem to have. But, for the last 8 months, my gratitude turned to striving when I was held back by fear from previous work experiences. And instead of working out of pure joy and overflow of God's grace, I was operating out of the fear of getting sacked. All that changed when I saw the exchange of what I'm doing-- smiling kids, parents in happy tears, hugs from families appreciating the things we do, and just how God is moving in the people in the team. It wasn't about what I could get from it. It's about getting to know his character better as I witness it all. And now I feel more convicted to actually steward all this better; I shouldn't be so complacent in handling this that I get too familiar. I pray that he reveals himself to me in many new ways every day.

Wild. God and I have been in the most wonderful get-to-know stage... but I feel like we're already officially dating for the past 5 or 6 months. It's so amazing knowing him. It's so amazing being loved by him in details only he and I understand. He has set the standard high for me, so I have already released the reign of taking control of how I'll meet my husband. I'm letting him take over because he knows best. But that doesn't mean I'm no longer going to do something. Instead, I'll prepare more.

So fun being in this eternal relationship with the one who knows my heart best. I hope I never be away from his presence.

His love needs no rhyme or lines nor any superfluous words so he can choose me. Before I was even born, HE KNEW ME--- HE LOVES ME and nothing can ever separate me from that love.

Hayy. Labyu, Lord.

[thespectrespecss]

MONDAY CURRENTLY VOL. 6

Well, would you look at that-- we're here again after a month. Here's to finding spaces to write, reflect, share, and yap! haha It's been such an eventful month, and I have so much to talk about, but I still have a lot of "backlogs" to write about. I should probably save it as drafts to remind me I have something to write about. That or they'll all just be left on drafts, never to be published. HAHA

Anyway, here's our Monday Currently! ✨

reading 1 Corinthians 13. I'm not really sure if I'm chapters behind our New Testament reading plan or if I'm a chapter ahead, but this chapter will always have fresh revelations for me every time I read it. You know, Love is Patient; Love is Kind? Different revelations in every season. 🥰 So far, this season is my favorite 🧡

writing my journal entry for today. I have been journaling my day out of verses that are being highlighted to me, which has changed the tone and direction of my prayers for the past 4 weeks. It's more centered on the truth than what I feel. It's more comforting knowing that there's a word in my situation. It feels like finding the perfect Taylor Swift song for your current love life status.

listening to my made-for-you playlist on Spotify (day list), I love how Spotify has been curating my day list for me. It's always songs to worship God with or kpop soft beats or disney songs. Thanks, Spotify. haha

thinking about what else God has for me this season. I've been feeling so fille with his love recently-- through my friends, pretty skies, secular songs, or even just flowers.

smelling lavender-scented candles. there have been so many flies recently; it's so annoying. Google says lavender repels flies, so I'm glad a friend gave me a homemade scented candle for my birthday last February. The smell is keeping me calm as well.

wishing praying for all things Kids Big Day Out to be accomplished victoriously this week. Wuw. I'm really just a little jittery about all the preparations. I feel like I need to remember something when I don't even know what I forgot. Praying God comes through in all things!

hoping for good morning weather tomorrow to easily book angkas and I won't be late.

wearing Counterculture merch and shorts. I was wearing this going to the Worship Team rehearsals earlier. Went there as head coordinator for experience... not as part of Worship team. haha

loving God's tangible presence of his love. I love LOVE. I'm in love with love. I've been crying happy tears just taking all the love in-- my friends, my leaders, my family, and my God's thick presence. I'm in awe of how this season is turning out to be; just pure contentment but still very much expectant.

wanting for myself to decide. awuw. djk. I'm just waiting for God's movement in all areas of my life. Baka may mag chat na, may magmessage bigla, may tumawag, may chumika. hahaha

needing more time and space to write a blog about Bohol, getting on staff, graduation, year 2 appreciation, and even mentorship highlights. dami daldal!

feeling so kilig with God. Surreal kilig. Haaay, love you, God.

[thespectrespecss]

MONDAY CURRENTLY VOL. 5

the one where it's almost a year later. 🤪

man that was long! haha I guess it's really super cool to be back here and see how much have passed. I shall write a blog about Bohol Mission Trip, getting hired as church staff, recent revelations of unearthed memories, life seasons and transitions, and just basically everything that went down for the past 7 months. (10months since last Monday Currently! haha)

Let's get this over with 🫢

reading book of Luke and just ddoing my best to read it like how Ps Shane Willard reads the bible-- with so much awe! I admit I have grown familiar reading the gospel books. So I'm experimenting on ways to read it. I'm back on Enduring Word and adding Bible Ref in my reading + trying to see fun trivias in word origins (still looking for a reliable site for this)

writing my journal entry for today. I'm practicing journaling everyday just to keep a rhythm and also to reflect on what each day brings. I realize I love looking back on my past entries as it shows growth and how many previous prayers I'm already walking in. God's so good.

listening Winning Team album by Planetshakers.

thinking about some stuff I'm currently trying to process. however, as an external & slow processor, I don't think I'll ever process this properly on my own.

smelling my unbathed self. HAHAHA it's a stormy day so I'm bundled up in my oversized hoodie the whole day.

wishing praying for a great and productive week ahead. I'm so excited for everything that's about to happen this week, but more than anything, I pray God brings loads of fresh ideas, revelations, and fresh buckets of his overflowing love. I

hoping for God to show up in my dreams tonight.

wearing old dance team sando and a red shorts i got from shopee back in 2020. I remember when I would have deliveries everyday. I can't remember how I was able to manage my money then. I did 2k worth of groceries weekly, paid a 14k amount of electricity (don't ask), and still got to by myself stuff. (okay not a part of this portion but hey, been long since I did an entry here, lemme ramble!)

loving the season I am in now. I guess it will just be strength to strength and glory to glory with God. I am growing to love myself as he loves me. It's an exciting season of growth and character development. So much unearthing of pain and issues--- just a whole lot of purification. Ang saket! But I trust my God will strengthen me.

wanting for... chz! But I'm waiting for work day. I found myself looking forward to going to work. I realized I love being in the office, surrounded by people working also. It pushes me to be more productive.

needing a good meal. I feel like my period's about to come. I have so much cravings at 11pm. Terrible feeling to feel late at night.

feeling so grateful that my God has pulled me through so much and is still constantly at my side, around me, surrounding me.

[thespectrespecss]

"Are you ready for it?"

I haven't really been writing much because of how hectic everything was (and is?) with work and with my head. Lol. But here we are, yet another blog titled with a Taylor Swift lyrics.

I guess I just want to put this here.

Last night, I kept waking up even when I had already fallen in deep sleep, and I thought maybe it was because I was the only one at home and my body was on high alert. But I just suddenly felt led to pray and ask God why there had been many instances of feeling like I was reaching out to grab a hand or even feeling like I was holding someone's hand. And I even specifically asked why it's always on the right hand. Just this funny thought popped up in my head about the right hand being held by the right one because God will be holding my left hand to assure me that I'm no longer who I was before-- 'di na 'ko mangangaliwa. Get it? And I thought, are these my crazy ideas again bringing meaning to my delusions? But I also suddenly thought that I wasn't really thinking of a name, and I know it was God assuring me of how he knows what he has for me. He withholds no good thing, and I'm exactly where I need to be on this adventure. With that conversation, a question remains in my head... thus, the title. Well, am I? The calling, the adventure, and the one. Am I ready? My fear is that I'd wake up being who I used to be, and things would just fall into the same pattern. But I am once again reminded that I am a new creation, and I HAVE A CHOICE if I swerve that way again.

Just wild looking back at how this year went. It's like a 10-year event fit in a year. I kept saying that I go through transitions every two weeks this year, and it's just wild thinking about everything I've been through. Yet here we are, with all the learnings and still so much to know, but with much more grace than I was 12 months ago.

GRACE.

The main recipe of this year. I wouldn't have gone through all of those things without GRACE. Grace I don't deserve but is freely given; grace that is new in every new situation. Grace that is sufficient yet still overflows.

Just good to think about how much grace we receive every day, yet as we receive all these, we still get it in abundance that it overflows.

I can't believe I am loved like this to receive undeserving grace. I am loved despite my lapses. I am loved despite my wrongs. Despite not knowing how to respond to things I am experiencing for the first time, I am loved.

What a season this year has been. It felt like traveling home and back with so many detours. But I'm grateful God has gotten me through.

This was supposed to be a journal entry about whether I'm ready for 2024. But we're here just looking back at 2023 and being grateful. I love God so much. I pray for an upcoming year that I actually learn to receive his love fully. :)

[thespectrespecss]

MONDAY CURRENTLY VOL. 4

Got home from the province last week, so I wasn't able to actually do anything. And also, it was such a long week last week. I hope I could blog about it this week just to put it out there. Something I could read again in the future, knowing I fought through a tough week BY FAITH.

reading my own Weekly Report for my college requirement. it's probably the hardest report I had to do coz I wasn't really okay last week. I just felt so tired last week, I felt like I didn't accomplish anything at all.

writing some scheduled messages for teams tomorrow as it's another long day for meetings at work and in ministry. Oh the joy of the Lord will be my strength

listening My One and Only by Kim & Skyler Smith. Always a good way to end the day crying out of the overwhelm of God's love. I was listening to We Dance by Bethel Church before this and it's so beautiful to just listen to a song that makes you see how much God is pursuing you. huhu It's been rough and tiring but my spirit will never be dry. He fills me up daily. His grace for me is sufficient. His mercy renews everyday.

thinking God's lovingkindess. I swear, the only thing that's keeping me going is his love. I think if it wasn't for him saving me, I would have probably gone crazy again like before. Thinking so much about where he's saved me from. Oh, what grace.

smelling hmm. I don't I smell anything particular right now. Probably myself coz I didn't take a bath today. Lol.

wishing praying for fear to cower at the mention of Jesus' name. The thing that has been really pulling me down the past week was fear just annoyingly crippling me. I pray for protection from lies and attacks of the enemy. they be getting too pathetic recently.

hoping for a more productive week.

wearing shorts and sando that again are so random. Whatever you pull out of the closet.

loving the team leads I have now at work. So gracious, kind, and very good managers. So grateful for their hearts to teach me everything I need to know and not just leaving me behind. God's grace shows so much through them. I prayed for this.

wanting even a couple of slow days to just breathe and meditate on God's word.

needing a good intentional vacation.

feeling so much feelings. I thank God that he's never repulsed by what I feel. Hay.

[thespectrespecss]

THINGS I'VE ACCEPTED ABOUT MYSELF

I love the color Pink

I actually love colorful stuff

I still like black outfits

I like mainstream movies and music

I like my coffee with Sugar & Milk

I don't like matcha

I don't indie rock that much [just on certain days]

I actually want to get married

I am a hopeless romantic

I still pray every single day that it's finally the day my husband and I meets

I get easily kilig [the healthy kind haha]

I was toxic but I have healed from it and I'm no longer that person

I love One Direction and still do

I love IVE

I still love Blackpink

I feel bad not being included in certain friend hangs but I have accepted the fact that I'm not always going to be included

I am not everyone's cup of tea

I suck in gaming but I still love it

I don't know everything, and it's okay

I am a sucker for romcoms

I don't like watching TV series

I like both books and movies [except percy jackson movies]

I love people remembering little details about me and it's not being self-centered

I make mistakes, but I learn from them

I will fail... many times. But God's grace keeps me going.

I love dancing a lot.

I don't have to like certain music, movie, book genres just to fit in. I'm happy with the things I like

I think there are more things to write... but I guess these are some of the things that make me who I am. Again, it's so funny to think that when I prayed for God hat I wanna see what he sees, first thing he showed me was how he sees me. He loves me and every single thing about me. He thinks of me A LOT and that's just so nakakakilig to even think about.

[thespectrespecss]

MONDAY CURRENTLY vol. 3

there we go... a couple of weeks passed again. So much stuff happened and I want to do a recap blog so badly, I just couldn't find the time. :( Well, anyway, here it goes. reading Calling & Vocation reading for the college program I am currently taking up. Crazy how it's been a month since we officially started. God, I couldn't and wouldn't do all these without you.

writing this monday currently, I guess. Will be writing takeaways from the reading later. Gosh I feel like everything's going to fast and things to accomplish are going too slow. they can't keep up with each other, man.

listening Raining in Manila by Lola Amour being played by my cousin as she does school works. Have you seen Michael V's parody of this? It's too funny and too real. HAHA I feel like it's a confirmation of what I'm sacrificing for Legacy offering this year.

thinking about making the right decisions. I really look up to so many people I have learned so much from, and since they have been going down different paths now, I am currently wondering if I am actually doing it right? But I trust God is leading me to my own calling after already learning from those people. It still doesn't deny the doubts.

smelling alcohol coz I just sprayed my hand some.

wishing praying for the right position of my heart. That there will be no room for comparison, insecurity, nor any thoughts that will make me look down on myself.

hoping for a good week. and a safe travel going home to Marinduque. Will be travelling home to attend a high school classmate's wedding. We're at this point, huh. It's crazy thinking this is the season we are in now. God, where's mine? haha :)

wearing a racerback sando with skorts i just pulled out of the closet randomly this morning because the grab food rider was already outside.

loving the recent revelations of God in my life. A little scared with where things are going but it's a brave step I'm taking with God everyday.

wanting to sleep early tonight. It's been a week of late night scrolling last week. Not something to be proud of nor should be something I should do.

needing a good peace & quiet.

feeling all sorts of emotion, wanting to run away from things. But God has asked me to steward where I am well. Hayy, Lord I know you see every detail. I know you got me covered. Let's do this!

[thespectrespecss]

BRAVE [09.13.2023]

Back in elementary, we always had someone assigned to pray before the class. It's funny to remember how most of us if not all, would automatically answer "ba't ako" whenever the teacher pointed at us-- complete with an alarmed and panicked expression. Looking back, I realize how sometimes we're so quick to question why we are chosen to do certain tasks and roles, or even getting chosen by anyone for anything. It makes it hard to just obey for certain reasons: One is that we are just too busy doing what we're currently doing that we wouldn't want to start doing something that somebody else is making us do; we don't want to be uncomfortable just when we've started to be comfortable with what we're already doing. Another is that we tend to think that somebody else can do it, someone who still has room on their plate. In my case, I would usually ask, "Why me?" because I would always see myself as unfit for the things people are trying to make me do. I would always feel like I wasn't ready. I would always feel like I was still so unequipped to do it that I would immediately disqualify myself, thinking someone could be better and more deserving of whatever was being handed to me. Fear would always creep in, trying to intimidate you with the shame you'll get if you fail. It's always that fear of not being good enough. My tendency would always be to withdraw, run away, and miss the opportunity completely--- comforting myself with the thought that if it's for me, the opportunity will come again once I'm ready and completely equipped. But with how I used to see myself, I would really see myself unfit.

We watched Moana in Kids Sunday Service, particularly the part where she gave up the heart of Te Fiti and saying "I'm not the right person." Well, we know how the movie ends… She WAS the right person; she was just scared to go on because everything that's happening around her was not how she has planned it to be.

How often do we trust more on how our circumstances than trusting that God called us to do something because he knows WE CAN do it? It's just so easy to withdraw completely when everything we're seeing is not going the way we want, and even the people surrounding us are telling us that we CAN'T. It's just recently in my life that I got to meet people who reminded me that God never roots for us to fail. He places us in settings with the complete belief and trust that we are going to win.

I would always tell myself that I'm not READY when I'm actually scared. I used to not like going into things I do not see what the end result will be. It's nerve-wracking. I would always wait for the right sign, the right moment, before I completely get myself into it. And that was me only holding on to certainty.

We used to do dance concerts back in college. The moments before the show started were the worst. All our legs were shaking, tummy was aching out of agitation, sweats were breaking, and someone (probably me) was crying in the corner ready to back out of it. Then, the stage manager starts the countdown. With every number, the tension gets higher but then we'd always shout "To God be the Glory" and we'll brave it out when the stage managers shout, "---one!! READY!" We weren't ready, not with all the shaking and cold sweats. But we went out there. And in every dance sequence, until the very last of it, I would always think, "That wasn't bad after all."

A few weeks ago, I was just journaling some thoughts addressed to God, and I found myself writing,

"I love the way you love, God; with the exuberance of making me look forward to even the unknown."

It reminded me of what kind of God that I have. He never roots for me to fail at what he's putting me in. He didn't call me because of what I could do, but because of what he could do. I shouldn't be living on my own strength because that's limited, but instead, I should be living by the grace that he just endlessly pours out to me. I may not see where this is going, but with the grace he's given me to even be handed something I don't think I deserve; it would make me believe that I actually was made for such a time as this. No matter how unprepared or unfit I may be, God equips me because he has called me.

He has saved me and called me to live this holy life. It's just right that I respond in complete surrender. No matter how hard I'm shaking, how scared I am, and how much I say I'm not ready, I'll brave it out and obey when God says it's time for me to do it.

A lot of circumstances have already proven to me how much my God sustains me despite my own self being very limited, and so no matter how much the unknown may look like, I trust that he is bigger than whatever lies ahead.

I remember talking about Psalms 23 with my friend, particularly the verse,

Even though walk the shadows of the valley of death I will fear no evil for you are with me

And I could imagine how dark it would have been in the valley for it to be described as a shadow of death. But the confidence was anchored in the fact that LIGHT was with me despite the darkness. He lit up the path I would walk on so I could walk without fear. Jesus said in John 8:12, I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.

No matter how dark and uncertain what's ahead may be, when Jesus is with me, my path will be well lit and I can walk bravely into any abyss. I will go shaking, I will go scared, I will even go screaming if I have to, but his grace will always be the one that's going to give me comfort and light knowing I'm striding this journey with him ahead of me. I don't have to know what's beyond that darkness. If he's the one leading me there, then I'm all in. I don't have to be completely ready. I don't have to be completely perfect to go. When he tells me to go, I'll go.