theswordi5min3-blog

[theswordi5min3-blog]

Prison of Cracked Glass

     I laid there. Half sunk into the glass floor of my mind, cracked beyond recognition. My breath screamed out from my lungs, desperately wishing to escape, but I hold on out of fear. I hold on out of fear for the smallest twitch, the smallest pebble of thought will shatter the sharp outline that already threatens to give way. The half of me that remains above the floor, lets the calming waves of emotion pass over me, carefully doing whatever it is I feel I safely can to keep them all from exploding into a vicious hurricane.

             The other half of my body feels nothing. Nothing but a numbness that caresses me and begs me to let go, but I hold on. I’ve been where this numbness leads and every time I sink down, I stay longer and longer till my shame and guilt for succumbing to the sweet desires that weave into my mind and heart. It makes me feel sick afterwards, and that in turn releases the hurricane of emotions I so desperately try to control as I once did.

             Footsteps approach atop the glass floor. Tip, tap, tip, tap. Echoes of cracking glass ring out from the distance. That is, until out of the corner of my mind, I see him. The other me; Malice. The demon of my own creation, a personification of my internal fears, jealousy, anger, and anxieties. He bends down and stares me in the eye. I can feel his dulling red iris’ pierce through me as they always did before one of our conversations.

             “Again?” the pale demon asks. Usually his voice rings out, usually to cut my skin to match the scarred body of his own. But I feel no hatred in his voice, and his wicked grin that he usually dons to me is absent. No… He is looking at me with pity and concern. “You can’t keep this up.” He says to me.

             I wait a few moments before I speak. “I know.” Is all I get out. It’s all the words I felt confident sparing. Even that small acknowledgement had caused another crack to appear in my prison of glass.

             “Why do you keep doing this to yourself? To us?” He asked. But I had no answer. He crosses his legs beside my head and stares upwards into the dark corners of my mind. “If you keep falling down there, one day the numbness will be all we feel.”

             I say nothing. My confidence lost over my previous words, and I can feel the emotions wanting to spiral out of control now. Tears well up in the corner of my eyes, but I hold them back. I must hold them back. But the torrent is picking it’s pace, and waves are getting harder to control.

             “What happened?” Malice questions, knowing full well I won’t answer any further. “You used to balance out everything for both yourself, and those around you. But now, we’ve both lost control over what made us, us. Your positivity and compassion. My jealousy and anger. I’ve been getting dragged down there to you know.”

             Nothing. I continue my struggle.

             “The difference between me and you, is that if you get stuck there, you’re permanently there. If I go to that place of emptiness, devoid of all wants, needs, memories, and relationships… I die.” He looks back down at me again. I watch as he wipes his own tears from his eyes. “I know the sweet feeling of nothingness was intoxicating at first, but do you really want to throw away all your family and friends like the thoughts that worm their way into you make you believe?”

             “…”

             Malice stands up and brushing the non-existent dust from his legs. He looks down at me one last time before placing a hand on my chest. I feel the whirlwind leave me and begin to encircle Malice. “I’ll deal with this.” He says sadly. “Reset. Get help. For the both of us.” He finishes as he shoves me through the glass prison.

      The shards of glass rain down around me before they evaporate into nothing. The numbness is taking over, and I feel every moment of jealousy, every moment of anger, happiness, and sadness flee from my body, till it’s only the numbness and disconnection from reality.

      It doesn’t take long before I land at the bottom, greeted by the familiar sight of my family and my friends. Those that I’ve loved, and those that I would like to. But they are all the same shade of grey that they always are down here. I’d feel grateful if I could feel here. But like before, I start my walk past faces of those I thought I could never be without, but that’s what the numbing desire is. To feel disconnected from them, from reality, from myself, and just… leave. To take nothing with me, and just fade away like some distant memory.

      My empty heart whispers in my ear. “They don’t need you. They’ve already replaced you with others. You’re just a burden and an after thought, so why should they be any different. Be… free.” And so, I am. At least, until my heart propels me back upwards in this cycle of mine. Then the battle continues again, until I fall back into the numb.

  Author’s Note: Apologies for the bad formatting on mobile. It looks normal on PC but messed up on the app. Gonna need to try and figure that out.

[theswordi5min3-blog]

The perfect day after a bad storm, no clouds and clear water. Too bad the fish aren’t biting #nature #relaxing #cottage #lake #nofish #canada #nofilter #beautiful (at Salmon Trout Lake) https://www.instagram.com/p/BoCgTpJAVrq/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=wm631z4cqaiz