thethingsistruggletosay - Tumblr blog

thethingsistruggletosay · 2 years

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Commitment is the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.

Commitment.

I’m the happiest I’ve been in awhile. Last month, I cheated on the person I love the most. Karma came and got my ass quickly. Karma and I have a love/ hate relationship. When I put good out into the world, she always quickly rewards me, but when I do bad, she’s just as quick to let me know I had her fucked up.

Tonight I lie here with the person I love the most. I was given a second chance at life by him and by God.

Why would anyone cheat? I always asked myself this question.

Because I never cheated on anyone. I was always the one getting cheated on. When you find out the news, it feels like you’re at the amusement park and you’re on the ride that goes up super high then drops down really quickly. You know that feeling you get in your stomach when it drops? Getting cheated on feels like that feeling doesn’t stop. It’s an anxious and sickening feeling.

More than anything I regret inflicting that type of pain onto the only person that has loved me for me.

It’s been hard for me to get over this. I know he hasn’t gotten over it either.

Depression and boredom led me to do something extremely hurtful to the person I love. The person who was working to make sure we could sustain life. The person who ALWAYS makes sure our son is good. The best fiancé and best dad I know. I never have to question his faithfulness, loyalty, or actions.

I know what I did was wrong; however, this isn’t a sad post. I’m here to reminisce on the things that allowed me to fall in love with him.

The words he used in conversation with me was igniting. Unlike other men, he was genuinely interested by what was on my mind. I fell in love with him pretty early. The day we spoke outside the studio for what seemed like 5 minutes turned into several hours. After our conversation, we had our first kiss in the parking lot. Was I in love that quickly? Absolutely. I didn’t admit that of course cause I didn’t wanna scare him away. However, that was my first time falling in love. That was my first time feeling what love should always feel like. He made me feel so smart, interesting and beautiful. Almost four years later, and he hasn’t let up. One of my favorite activities was shared was the night at Skate Land. I guess you could say that was our first official date. Our day trip to Atlanta was another amazing trip. I’m still shocked at how he went into work the next day. I had to call out lol.

If you’re reading this, I want you to know how much I love you. No man on earth has or will come close to who you are and how you have been to me and for me. You’re the example men and young boys need. You set the standard in relationships. You’re my whole heart. You and our baby. I’m still alive today because of you. You embrace who I am and allow me to be myself. You’re such a sweet soul, and God really did take His time when He created you. I know people say that, but I MEAN that. You are truly one of a kind.

I’m sorry I hurt you. I hope one day our lives can continue together with a strong union. You’re the man I want to marry and grow old with. I couldn’t imagine life or death without you. I hope you learn to trust me again, and I hope you trust that I will never make another mistake like that ever again.

Five minutes will never be worth the rest of our lives.

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