theunluckyrabbit

[theunluckyrabbit]

Joel and I have a cute night planned. Making dinner (he's making stuffed peppers! 😍🤤), watching a movie (Moana 2), then I'm going to watch him play Elden Ring. (I used to love watching my ex play games.)

I love watching thunderstorms from the treadmill. It was pouring earlier when we were at the gym, and the lightning was like my own personal show. Love it.

I texted my ex yesterday. With everything going on with Iran, I started praying for his safety. I told him as much. He didn't respond. Pretty much solidifies that he doesn't want anything to do with me. Either he blocked me, or he's just ignoring me, but either way, he hates me. I don't know what I did to make him hate me. I've known he hates me since he mailed back the butterfly I gave him on our second date, but... I don't know. I guess I just hoped I was wrong about him. I still love him. Part of me probably always will, if I'm honest.

I think he used me as an emotional band-aid to get over whatever loneliness he was feeling. I guess I hope I helped him, somehow. I hope my words took root in his head. He was so self-defeating during his competition. I kept cheering him on and reminding him to stop being so hard on himself. I tried encouraging him and pushing him to see the greatness I see in him. I hope it helped. I hope he sees that rifle he won and thinks of those pictures I took of him looking awesome while shooting, of the words of encouragement he needed to hear, and I hope it makes a difference. Maybe he'll stop doubting himself so much when he looks at it.

I really wish he'd let me come there so he could see that I'm real. Then again... I can't say with certainty that he ever actually wanted me there to begin with. He said a lot of words I don't think he meant. I feel used. I feel played with. I thought better of him, truly I did. I don't know. Maybe I didn't know him as well as I thought I did after all.

In an odd twist of fate, I may be going to San Diego after all. Adam has said he'd be happy to have me visit him. I don't know if I could handle being so close to my ex, but we'll see. Wouldn't it be nuts if I bumped into him and he saw I was real after all? Then again, he probably wouldn't care. Honestly, I wonder if he'd even recognize my face.

Time to get to work. More later.

[theunluckyrabbit]

I had a migraine, so he read to me. ❤️

[theunluckyrabbit]

Emily Brontë, from The Collected Works & Poetry of Emily Brontë; “Wuthering Heights,”

[theunluckyrabbit]

[theunluckyrabbit]

“Some people don’t understand the promises they’re making when they make them.”

— John Green

[theunluckyrabbit]

Early morning. Getting shit done today. Extra time at the gym is going to feel so good. Seeing Joel later, too. He's making lunch for us. 😊

[theunluckyrabbit]

Joel does this. I tell him an idea of mine, and he finds ways to support it. If I say, "I can't" at the gym, he says, "You've got five more." I tell him my fears, he helps me battle each one.

I'm so grateful for him. I wonder what the future has in store for us?

We fell asleep together last night. I don't think I've ever been squeezed that hard in my life. He had one arm wrapped around my middle and the other under my head, holding me close. Nothing sexual. Just a soft kiss on the neck and shoulder before being held all night. He truly is taking everything at my pace. It's nice. I'm not quite ready for... Intimacy. Kissing, hugging, cuddling, flirting; that's all fine. But after my ex... I'm just not ready, and Joel has put no pressure on me.

I told him about Mal, too. He was... Displeased when he heard what happened. I feel very safe with Joel. "That's never happening again," he said. I completely agree.

We talked about my trip to South Africa, and he told me about the cruise through Iceland he has booked for 2026. He even hinted that he's hoping to have someone to go with by then. 🫣

“My only relationship goal is to be with a person who motivates me to become a great person and tells me the potential I don’t see in myself.”

— Unknown

[theunluckyrabbit]

[theunluckyrabbit]

Holding his hand, ready to fall asleep, watching Pezzy's latest FNAF video on YouTube.

❤️

[theunluckyrabbit]

[theunluckyrabbit]

The feeling is quickly becoming mutual, I just don't have the courage to tell you... Yet.

I practically jumped into his arms when I saw him waiting for me. He smells so nice. ("Barbour for Him", it's called. So good.) He hugged me and spun me around. 🥰

I'm still afraid to let myself feel fully, I think. Olivia has been encouraging me to trust and to allow myself happiness even though it's frightening. I'm grateful to have a therapist I connect with.

He's currently in the kitchen, making omelettes for us. Going to the gym together, then out for drinks.

It's good to be back.

[theunluckyrabbit]

Damn right.

[theunluckyrabbit]

“If you’ve been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle, then you’re a badass with the heart of an angel.”

— Keanu Reeves

[theunluckyrabbit]

[theunluckyrabbit]

[theunluckyrabbit]

I can't wait to see him today. He's picking me up from the airport. 😊 I'm going to give him the biggest hug imaginable.

Today's lineup: Treadmill to warm up. Stretches. Resistance bands. Lunges. Leg press. Lat pulls. Preacher curls. Dumbells. Incline bench press. Reverse curls. Bicycle crunches. Plank. Treadmill to cool down. (Do an extra set of lunges if you eat fuckshit at the airport.)

[theunluckyrabbit]

This is what it felt like those first weeks after he left.

"The Knife You Forgot You Held"

You were the lighthouse I ran to, the name I whispered when the dark caved in. I handed you my storms, and you smiled, tucking daggers into the folds of your comfort.

I never expected the wound to come from your hands. A blade pressed soft, not in fury— but indifference. You pierced my chest then asked why I was bleeding.

I shattered quietly. Like porcelain in another room, you never heard the sound. Too busy painting halos on your own reflection, rewriting history with trembling hands and clean consciences.

You wear the mask of a martyr while I stitch up wounds you won’t even acknowledge. You broke me, then turned your back and called it balance.

I spiral in silence— cracking under the weight of what we were, what I thought we were. And still, I rise because I have to. Not because I can.

I drag this hollow frame through days that feel like warzones. There is no pause, no rescue, no you.

Only me. Picking up pieces I didn’t shatter. Carrying a grief you never even claimed.

@ghostinkpoetry