thevoidislistening - Tumblr blog

[thevoidislistening]

had a seizure aura, took the emergency pill, and then I may have genuinely dissociated for five minutes because the next thing I know we're getting ready for bed. what happened here? was I just too paranoid about the potential seizure to pay attention? did I just check out in a non-medical way? am I real fuckin' tired?

my memory is shit but I've never just lost five minutes like this. kind of terrifying.

almost certainly a result of my Poor Prescription Management issues

which are my own damn fault

so I've terrified myself through lack of attention to detail, is what's happened

fuck

I hate holiday travel

I want to go home

[thevoidislistening]

hot take: Caduceus is boring

there’s so much potential there!

how does faith work when it causes you to be alone for years? what does it mean to leave what you think is the task appointed by your god only to accomplish the mission that others could not? when is the point where you stop expecting them to come back and have to decide whether they’ve left you on their own initiative? what does it mean to give in to the desire to ask if they’re waiting for you? are you allowed to resent being made for your god even before you were born?

how do you learn to have friends? how do you learn to be with people because you want to and not because you owe them or you think your god has given you a task to help them? how do you learn to want things? how do you learn to ask for them?

what does it mean to always be expected to heal? what does it mean to always be expected to gather everything you have and use it in the service of others?

how do you balance helping people when what they want is bad for them? how do you find the ability to guide without falling over into judging?

how do you have enemies when they aren’t unnatural and the whole purpose of your life is to maintain nature? why do you choose to fight?

NONE OF THIS is explored in any way and it feels like Taliesin is utterly uninteresed in developing any sort of conflict other than ‘Caduceus kind of feels like he should go home but doesn’t want to but doesn’t really want to acknowledge that he just doesn’t want to.’ And Caduceus doesn’t even talk about any of that! It’s so mild and so dull and it makes me disappointed. Ugh.

[thevoidislistening]

Sliiiiightly terrified that this thing on my hand that looks like a new mole is cancerous and I’m gonna die

it’s more than a bug bite

but not sure when it appeared exactly

but it sure seems like a thing

don’t panic don’t panic don’t panic

[thevoidislistening]

I’m drunk and want to bone

sort of?

maybe?

ace relationships are fuckin’ weird

[thevoidislistening]

if only having my period didn’t make me horny af

if only

[thevoidislistening]

Nothing like watching yourself on zoom to make you think how ugly you are, over and over and fucking over

[thevoidislistening]

apparently I haven’t forgotten how to orgasm! [thumbs up emoji]

[thevoidislistening]

people. i know that you want to see yourselves reflected in these characters. but. none of these people is ever going to describe themselves as demisexual. they just aren’t. stop.

[thevoidislistening]

i kinda am like “well, okay, last night’s first-time-in-a-year orgasm was due to thinking about tentacle porn, :/ :/ :/” but on the other hand, it’s been in the mental bank for years so it’s not particularly a surprise and also, you know, whatever works

[thevoidislistening]

hey, exciting news, i’d forgotten i could even come

so that’s nice

[thevoidislistening]

i feel like [friend X] is really pushing aggressively for her not!boyfriend’s wife to agree to poly stuff and it makes me dislike her in a way that is saddening

i mean

she is not perfect, no one is, but this feels so obviously dodgy

to a non-participant in the proceedings, anyway

the husband/not!boyfriend seems also... not ideal

(from what i’m getting third hand, the wife seems pretty freaked out about it and not up for all of this Immediate Negotiation Of Boundaries, which i feel like is a sign even if she never does get specific about where she wants to draw the line)

:/

[thevoidislistening]

can’t you do just ONE THING because i want it and not because it makes sense in some sort of objective way that isn’t even remotely objective???

[thevoidislistening]

sometimes i feel like i just need to process my stupid feelings in very distinct steps. like:

i am feeling stressed about yuletide reveals - why?

because i want people to like my stories. i want people to like my stories BEST. i am feeling competitive - why?

because i want to BE the best - why?

because i have a lot of my self-identity wrapped up in being a good writer, and also i spend a lot of time hanging around in a small fandom where i am very much a bnf and that fucks you up, i’m thinking

so:

i need to not look at any other recs or fics written in the fandoms that i also wrote in. it’s too late for some of it, and some of it is inevitable, but i can try my best

[thevoidislistening]

just had a nightmare really horrible but also fannish, so I’m kind of ashamed to talk about it, which is absurd, but there you go

[thevoidislistening]

o shit i responded to someone being Wrong On The Internet, why did i do this

[thevoidislistening]

sudden thought: is part of my internalized fat-phobia actually because I’m subconsciously convinced that the best thing any human (especially a woman can do is take up as little space as possible? both verbally and physically.

which is, of course, bullshit, but entrenched patriarchy, etc etc etc

[thevoidislistening]

me to my wife: please don’t have a nervous breakdown about this plumbing problem

me five minutes later: I wonder why I’m shaking and feel like I’m about to cry... what could it be???