thewanderingdiary

[thewanderingdiary]

If by chance you are reading this

I will be going on a holiday in Laos and Cambodia from next week

lf.. by chance you are reading this and you want to meet too

Post a photo of a dolphin and a flower on your Instagram

Then I will message you my travel plan on Instagram so you know where I will be and we can meet naturally

I do want to meet you too

I want to laugh together, share stories together, and eat food together

I want to get to know you as a real person

I don't want you to be alone anymore, especially when you are going through difficult times

I will accept you into my life with no questions

I look forward to seeing you

-Z

[thewanderingdiary]

Date: January 25, 2024

Location: en route to Sa Pa

Every single day goes by without you. Every day, I wish you were next to me.

I wish I could tell you all my stories.

I wish I could also hear yours.

How much longer should we have to wait?

Until that one day comes,

[thewanderingdiary]

Date: August 31, 2023

Location: Hannam

Entry # 6

Hello reader,

Tomorrow I leave for Busan.

I am slowly getting comfortable with living this new temporary life of travelling. However, just yesterday, I got a message from my old boss that I might be asked to come back.

I think I am still set on travelling until March next year.

I'm not thinking about it too much because things can change any time.

As I slowly get more comfortable and confident in speaking and understanding Korean, I couldn't help but shed a tear when I realised that all of this was from hard work. I was always insecure and underestimated my ability with languages. I feel like I have the ability to learn the basics but never good enough to go any more than that. I realised that language is a skill that takes time and I needed to be kinder to myself.

I went to get my saju and a psychic medium reading. I asked about my person. I asked what should I do. I suddenly heard this person's name in my head while a tarot reader was talking about my future partner/husband two years ago. But for 2 years, I struggled with that information. I don't know why his name came into my head when I wasn't even a fan then. I've asked many readers and everything had been encouraging, but I felt like there was nothing happening no matter how much I tried. To this day, the other person hasn't reached out to me despite my genuine efforts to contact him and support him through his service.

I still don't even know if he has received or read any of messages. I don't know if any of my messages gave him comfort or support. Should I keep leaving messages? Or does he think I am crazy for always messaging him? Does he find me creepy and want me to stop? Or does he want me to keep going? I have no idea. This whole thing has been very difficult for me too. I wish I could get some direct answer from you.

When I asked the psychic medium on what to do she said that even though I had a psychic message that came through in my head, the "frequency" was wrong. I guess it's like a radio station and maybe I tuned into the wrong channel...

I don't know what to feel about that. I wasn't looking for love back then. Actually I had already given up on it. And why did the universe torture me this way. Why give your name? Why give a name of someone so unobtainable and unreachable? Why?

Most importantly, I feel so very sorry to you for all of this. I am sorry I somehow dragged you into this. I feel so embarassed and ashamed. I feel like an idiot thinking there was even a chance. We live in such different worlds. Even if I was just to be your friend, am I going to be interesting enough for you? I am not even considered attractive in your society so I don't think you'd even give a second look if I walked past you. I also want to move on if what I am doing is not good for either of us. But why is your spirit still around me.

She told me that it's best if I don't think about it anymore. I have mixed feelings. Most of which are feelings of betrayal. I feel lied to by the universe, spirits and my psychic abilities.

Maybe you wouldn't even realise I had disappeared. If I stop, maybe you won't even miss my messages because you didn't even know it existed in the first place.

I've made a promise to myself that I would do my best to try and meet you. I've always joked around that I might need to physically turn up where you live for us to meet. Even after the psychic reading, I still visited the place where you lived even though I know you won't be home.

But at least... I know.. that now I truly have done everything I could to at least meet you halfway. I don't have regrets. I just feel disappointment and betrayal. I felt like I was made to look like a fool. I feel very hurt.

I guess, today marks the first day of letting go of you..

I hope that you will have a good life.

You deserve all the love in the world.

Perhaps, that also means that you wouldn't need my love since you already get so much of it.

Who am I anyway? I mean nothing to you even though you meant everything to me.

I am really sorry...

I really don't know what to do anymore..

Maybe tonight I can cry about it one last time and let it go.

Until next time,

The Wandering Diary

[thewanderingdiary]

Date: August 25, 2023

Location: Dongdaemun

Entry # 5

Hello reader,

I sat in front of the fountain for almost 2 hours. I have nowhere to be and no responsibilities to do.

My emotions fluctuated from "omg what did I do!" to "this is nice.. being able to just tune out of the world's noise and tune into mother nature's songs instead".

I had some hope that maybe I will finally meet the person I am apparently supposed to meet. But I also know the difficult circumstance that it is in. Maybe it is impossible... maybe I have just lost my mind...

While I was on the plane here, I made a decision that if I don't end up meeting you, then I will just let you go. If the universe themselves can't make it work, then I have no more reason to hold on.

Maybe all the signs I have been getting were wrong. Maybe we did have something significant in our past life, but maybe we are meant to spend this life apart.

I think I have tried my very best now to make it easier for you to reach out to me. I will continue to try until I am here in this country. There is really nothing much more I can do on my end. I hope that somehow you can find me.

If nothing happens before Ieave, then I will take it as a sign to move on and slowly forget you.

Until next time,

The Wandering Diary

[thewanderingdiary]

Date: August 24, 2023

Location: Up in the sky

Entry # 4

Hello reader,

It is the start of my "BIG" Trip.

I thought I would have more emotions than this but I am surprisingly calm and neutral.

Maybe all of the feelings have been sucked out of me already after enduring an emotional roller coaster.

I asked for so many signs before I could make a decision.

Now, I realised that I really made all these decisions without being given any signs. I was just simply living and making it through life.

There are so many ways to do life. There is no right answer.

Perhaps I made a mistake, or perhaps I made the best life-changing decision.

I caught myself thinking, "Why do we even ask for a sign?". Is it because we have no faith and hope that a seemingly impossible event can actually occur, that we need some sort of external intervention to make it work? Maybe, in fact, it is the opposite and that we ask for a sign because we are holding to the little hope we have? Or is it a simple affirmation... a "hold my hand" mantra before we do something scary?

At the end of the day we make all those decisions ourselves and we also reap the benefits or suffer the consequences because of it. So does asking for a sign end up meaning anything?

Should we just take a leap of faith and fully own our lives by doing something "crazy"? Should we just live fearlessly, declare our path strongly, chase our heart and do them without regrets? We can only know the outcome if we make a decision.

Until next time,

The Wandering Diary

[thewanderingdiary]

Date: August 9, 2023

Location: Home

Entry # 3

Hello reader,

I finally made the decision to buy my flight tickets. The "Big" trip as I call it.

My trip will be around 8 months.

A few days ago, I was crying after gym because I was getting conflicted whether to keep waiting for the job offer or not.

I realised a lot of the anxiety and pain that I was crying about was the wait to do something. I realised I could end this crying if I just go ahead an booked my flight. So, I did.

I ended up getting call about the job the very next morning but they said that it will take months for it to be processed anyway.

I wonder... in a month's time would I have made the right decision? Would I be more stressed or happier? Living on a budget is stressful but I hope I can meet new friends and create wholesome friendships out of it.

Although I have been pulled to do this travel, I still don't know where I should be or what I should do. Would I finally get an epiphany?

Would I finally get to see you?

The person who I have been longing for over 26 past lives, I wonder if you will come to meet me..

As I embark on this journey, I hope that every step I make is a wise one. I hope that it will give me purpose and happiness.

Until next time,

The Wandering Diary

[thewanderingdiary]

Date: August 7, 2023

Location: Melbourne Airport

Entry # 2

Hello reader,

"Starting a new chapter".

What does it really mean?

How does one define the beginning and end of a new chapter?

Is it just a mere transition to new things or something more grand in the spiritual level.

I am currently bearing more emotions that I can hold and so many more thoughts than I can process.

People would say "look at the big picture" or "look deeper within yourself" or "be more grateful". But what does it all really mean?

It frustrates me when I get these lacklustre responses. Don't they know that I have tried all that with my own ability? How can I possibly think differently to what I am doing now when I am not being shown a new perspective. A person will keep driving the same road to work until someone or something tells them that there is actually a better shortcut.

To be honest, I am also tired of me talking about this quarter life crisis 2.0 - or is it actually just the same crisis I had 3 years ago? Whatever it is, it lead me to to this "new chapter".

I feel like I am running around in circles without any guidance. At this stage I have given up and I am just waiting for the universe to just force me to do what I need to do. Either way there will be challenges, experiences, and lessons to learn.

My flight was cancelled and it was moved to the next day. I got compensated for the hotel, meals, and guess I wouldn't have been able to enjoy another night in Melbourne if I had work the next day. It is too bad that I am missing my own farewell lunch at work. I guess I don't like emotional gatherings anyway.

I still battle with figuring out where the distinction is between "ungrateful" and wanting to have more things in your life.

I feel like I wouldn't be the type of person who would want a monotonous routine. But I am also getting close to the time where I do want to settle down, but I also want it to be meaningful.

I want to have a peaceful home, a husband to share my life with, and eventually kids to share my love to. At the moment this is all not possible. I am sure when I get to that stage I may have regrets that I hadn't done so many things I wanted to do alone.

It is so hard to view life in a multi-dimensional aspect since we can't time travel. It isn't like Sims where you can try different actions and if you don't like the outcome you just re-start the game.

I guess I'll end up going. Travel until I am sick of it. I am tired of going back and forward with these thoughts.

I am scared that the start of this "new chapter" will be a complete failure. My fear is that I come back not finding what I was looking for. I am scared that I wouldn't have the answer to make my life better. I am worried that I won't have the answers to the many questions I have. There is also that wretched thing call "timing". Maybe it will eventually happen but not yet. However, that still won't help me feel defeated until I get what I am looking for in life. And I guess we are always looking for things in life too.

Travelling. Dating. Jobs. House. Family. Health.

These are all big factors that make life.

All of these involve money in one way or another. I won't be able to do it all in a span of a year. So, what do I prioritise?

Life can be taken away so quickly. People live life with so many regrets. It is hard to fearlessly make a life changing decision because it involves compromises, sacrificies and so many other things in life.

Is the best really Yet To Come?

So I pray to the universe to give me the answers I seek. I hope the person reading this also find the answers they seek.

Until next time,

The Wandering Diary

[thewanderingdiary]

Date: August 4, 2023

Location: Yarra River, Melbourne

Entry # 1

Hello reader,

I am glad you are here to hear my story.

This is my first diary entry.

On my flight to Melbourne, I realised I had a lot of thoughts just culminating in my head. It was like worrying about everything and nothing at the same time. My head felt under pressure (pun intended).

To be honest, I am quite lost.

I am at that stage where I have accepted the possibility that life won't get much better than this. I keep on living just on that glimmer of hope that maybe.. just maybe I will have at least some small doses of happiness and enjoyment throughout my life to get me through to the end.

What is the "end" anyway?

I have had too many philosophical thinking over the last few years. There is so much I want to write. There is so much I want to tell the world. There is so much I want to tell to my past and future self.

Maybe my entries will be just some random ramble. Maybe it will all make sense in the future. Maybe it will make sense to someone else out there. I don't really know, but for some reason, I feel compelled to write this.

As I sit next to the Yarra River, it feels somewhat nice to have no responsibilities. I've always liked just sitting outdoors and just watching people go by and hearing the sounds of nature.

I have this thought "I wish I can have this life everyday, maybe I would be a bit happier in life".

Then I remember that having to work full time, paying bills, and getting caught up with the city life always stopped me from being able to do that. Maybe they are just excuses for my laziness or maybe there is some truth to the city daze.

Many people have given up their simpler and slower life to move to the city for a "better" future. I guess it works for others. No matter how much I try, it just doesn't seem to fulfil me.

People end up siloing themselves into cubes. Connections to each other and to the land are fading. More people are being diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And somehow.. we are expected to just suck it up and deal with it because that is "life".

I guess I am on the verge of wanting to give up my current life and disappear to somewhere where nobody knows who I am. I just want to have my own self-sustaining house with my own farm and be off the grid. I have always wanted this for myself even before it became some viral trend.

Would I be brave enough to just let it all go? Is it even a smart idea? Could I have this life in another way? Even then, would I finally be happier?

My current situation right now is the perfect time to do some travelling. I graduated from my Masters and I just finished my job contract. I don't have any mortgages, children, pets, or a partner. Although, I still have cold feet to travel for 6 months.

As the sky clears in the Yarra River in front of me, I wonder... would I finally find what I have been searching if I go on this long travel? I am scared that I won't. I guess I don't know what I am even missing to even go looking for it.

I just feel like I am constantly missing a big part of me. It feels lonely and difficult to continue when it is hard to get motivation from the inside. What if I come back home and I haven't found what I need to turn my life around ? What do I do then?

I am lucky that I do have supportive friends and family. I have a house to sleep in, food to eat and safe water to drink. But why do I feel so empty?

I always feel guilty feeling this way since others have much less. I tried my hardest to think "positively" and be more "grateful" of life. But I still can't help that a part of me is somewhere else.

Maybe at the end of my trip, I may have to accept that this is the life that I must live.

Until next time,

The Wandering Diary