theweirderstuffblogdontlook

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

early draft Bob Velseb Fanfic

(im still working on a small comic to accompany this fic before i release it officially, but i would appreciate the feedback, so dont hesitate to comment as it encourages me to make more art for the au. This comic takes place after the events of this post.) For reference, the woman in this image next to bob is Mary-Anne

then in this image, from left to right (no including Bob in the middle) we have Roxy, Greta, Sparrow, Ash, Trixie, Jane (who's the bar's manager and doesn't appear in the fic), and Billie (who is the bar's bouncer)

Fic is below the readmore. And I kinda recommend looking back at the images every so often to keep track of who's who, cus there's a lot of lesbians hanging out chatting in this fic.

Hanging out in the mismatched collection of old sofas in the lounge area of the local lesbian bar, some of the bar’s regulars were having a casual chat. When another of the regulars, a woman named Mary-Anne, excitedly came up to the group with a laptop in hand. Mary: “Hey you girls wanna see my latest true crime theory?! I think I've got a really good one this time!” Sparrow: “YEEEEAAAAHhhhhhh! Lemme see it! Show us what detective work ya been up to!” Trixie: “Did you finally see if I’ve done any murders I didn't know about? You said you’d check.” Mary: “Yeah I know, and I'll get to it eventually, but I found something way more interesting…… Barbra.” Sparrow: “Barbra?” Mary: “Yeah!” She sets up the laptop on the table, the women all crowding around to get a look, as Mary-Anne puts on a dramatic, though still a bit joking, tone and pose.

Mary: “Barbra, could secretly be, the notorious serial killer…. Bob Velseb.”

Ash: “Who?” Sparrow: “No fucking way! The Halloween cannibal from that other town down south? How’ed you make that connection?”

Roxy: “Excuse me, Cannibal?!”

Ash: “That’s pretty metal actually. Wish looking into me found connections to crimes that sick.” Greta: “Ummm, isn’t that man dead?”

Sparrow: “Wait yeah good point. The news said he got caught and killed by police last Halloween night. Shouldn't that be like, disqualifying for what hypothetical crimes you think your friends might have committed?”

Mary: “Wellllll…. yeah, supposedly he even had an autopsy and everything. But It fits too well if you just ignore the whole being dead thing!”

Roxy: “Hey! Don't you buncha freaks go just comparing Barbra to people like that. She hasn't even been around that long. Don't need you scaring her off with your true crime detective mess when I know you didn't even ask if she was okay with it first!”

Mary: “But it's suuuuuuuch a good one though!”

Trixie: “Yeah lighten up, I doubt she's gonna mind. I mean it's not like Barbara is actually gonna be a DEAD criminal. And especially with those morbid jokes she likes, she'll probably think it's hilarious.”

Roxy: “Nuh-Uh! I don't care how funny it is. She's still doing this without asking! It's one thing for her to look into yalls lives like a creepy stalker when you ask her to. But don't you go encouraging her with that spying into people's business shit without permission!”

Mary: “Aww come on.”

Ash: “Okay, I'm actually gonna agree with Roxy here. I mean what if one day, I really have to murder someone? I don't need Sherlock Holmes getting on my trail ten minutes later. You could at least ask first.”

Sparrow: “Come on, that's different! I'm sure you'd have a good reason if you did ever murder someone. And she'd be more likely to help you bury the body than turn you in. We all would.”

Roxy: “Nuh-uh, I still don't like this biz. Plus, isn't Barbra a trans woman? You'd probably end up hurting her feelings more by comparing her to a dead MAN than to the whole criminal thing.”

Sparrow: “Wait, since when was Barbra trans?”

Ash: “She was kinda making it obvious with that wig she always wears.”

Sparrow: “Wait really? I thought she was wearing the wig because she had some grizzly scar or something on her head from the car crash and didn't want to call attention to it. I mean they did say she had a bad head injury. Like it's why they said she's always wearing the sunglasses even when inside. The concussion like, messed up her ability to look directly at bright lights or something.”

Ash: “...Yeah okay that's a fair point I didn't need to immediately jump to her wearing the wig being to make her pass better. But like, there's still a lot of stuff besides that. Plus Caprica admitted to it. Barbra definitely used to be a dude.”

Greta: “Doesn't really matter if she's trans regardless, since she only ever really flirts with Caprica.”

Trixie: “I'd fuck her even with a dick like are you fucking kidding me? She's hot as hell.”

Sparrow: “Oh my god same! I swear Barbra is wasted on that woman.”

Roxy: “Yeah, but like, I ain't gonna pretend I wouldn't get a massive crush too if some lady pulled my fat ass out of a burning car wreck and lemme stay at her place while I recover like Caprica did. That's like some fairytale relationship shit.”

Trixie: “Exactly! if I got my life saved all dramatically by someone who's not just gay, but gay AND single ANNND they let you stay at their house for free? I wouldn't even care if they were hot or not. You'd have to be a real big piece of shit to be getting rid of me anytime soon. I'd be grabbing on with both hands. Maybe not as hard as Barbra seems to be, but still.”

Greta: “Umm, I meant more that she's not pressuring anybody, so it wouldn't matter either way what she has.”

Mary: “We're getting off topic! I wanna talk about my cool theory!”

Ash: “Right, right, let's hear it.”

Roxy: “Let's NOT hear it! She didn't ask Barbra for permission!”

Sparrow: “Well since she's already put it together, the least we could do is go over it and let her know if it'd be a mistake to tell Barbra and hurt her feelings. Like if it is something really insulting, it would be better to act like it never happened right?”

Roxy folds her arms and grumbled, but otherwise stops complaining. Letting Mary-Anne get on with it.

Tapping on her laptop for a second before turning it around to show a PowerPoint style compilation of research and pictures, starting with Bob's prison mugshot, which the ladies leaned in to see.

Mary: “So here's what I found. So we've got this Bob Velseb guy right? Notorious cannibal serial killer, captured on Halloween night a few years ago and put in prison.”

Billie: “....Did you really make a whole presentation for this?”

Mary: “I told you, it's a really good one! And I had to keep my evidence somewhere anyway. So it's like a digital scrapbook, and I just cleaned it up some to show you.”

Trixie, with a bit of a teasing tone: “Becha wish you could make a whole corkboard setup with red yarn instead.”

Mary: “I sooooooo would, but it’s just too hard to fit that sort of thing in my car and drive it around. You all gotta come meet at my house so I can have the excuse to set up a real one!” Billie: “....Amateur detective potluck.” Mary: “Omg yes. With like a bunch of detective based desserts! Sparrow: Chalk outline chocolate cookies!

Ash: “Halloween coleslaw.” Roxy, through half muffled snickering: “Girl, the fuck is halloween coleslaw??” Mary: “We’re getting off track! Back to what I was saying…”

She switches to the next slides showing clips from newspapers and the like.

Mary: “So he stays in prison for awhile. But then last year, he escapes from prison with a few other small time criminals.

And he spends a few months killing people, like 8 or 9 bodies being found, all with the same M - O. Until Halloween night comes around again. He goes after the same family he got caught while trying to kill that other Halloween. And it leads to an encounter with the police who kill him in a shootout. Where he's brought to the morgue for an autopsy and has the cause of death confirmed…..

BUT!!!”

She changes to the next slide, which was talking about a car crash, a man found dead, and had a map with some areas marked in mspaint.

Mary: “The next day after the news report of Mr. Velseb’s death goes out, we have this weird little event happen. So there’s this man, who was supposedly on his way to a hunting trip? He's found stabbed to death on the side of the road here.”

She zooms in on the map, showing the road between this town and the weird little town where Bob comes from, and points to the marked location just past the outskirts of Bob's town.

Mary: “Now wild animals had gotten to the corpse before it was found, so it was pretty mangled, but he had definitely been stabbed. Which is a bit of evidence that could link to the knife wielding serial killer. Bob Velseb, also known as the devil butcher, so named because he used to be a butcher and ended up feeding his victims to his patrons.”

Roxy: “Oh, no, ew why'd you have to go and tell me that?”

Mary: “Well I had to give you the context that this is a guy who stabs people, so we should be looking for stuff like this where the victim was stabbed.”

Roxy: “You could've just said he stabs people!”

Mary: “Well, he also tends to butcher and eat people so we gotta keep an eye out for…”

Billie, in her slightly monotone, but firm voice: “Maybe cool it with the gruesome details.” 

Mary: “Alright alright. It's not super relevant right now anyway, since it looks to me like the guy was in too much of a rush anyway to actually butcher anyone. Because the interesting thing for us…. is this man's truck.”

She points to a location further down the road, on the outskirts of their own town/small city and close to one of the parks.

Mary: “His truck… was found here. Crashed into a ditch, blood all over the inside of it, but no body. So if it had been a regular crash, then the hunter's body should have been right here with his car, not all the way back here covered in stab wounds. So according to the evidence, he was stabbed to death here, had his car stolen by someone who looked to be pretty injured themselves, which was then driven all the way here… to our town.”

Roxy: “Guuuurl…. Shut the hell up! That is sinister as fuck! You're telling me we've got somethin coming up from that creepy ass missing kids town, to over where we live? Man I don't even care if it happened the day after some big time serial killer died. That should still be a big ass problem!”

Mary: “Don't worry, it gets even better!”

Billie: “I think you mean worse.” 

Mary: “Yeah! It gets even worse! So in the days after this body was found up until now, the number of murders went way up for about a month or so. With the bodies matching Bob Velsebs usual modus operandi. Showing up stabbed and mangled with pieces missing. With even a few cops getting killed in that time! 

And then after that, even though there weren't any more bodies being found, the number of missing persons still stayed higher. Almost like a murderer who used to work out in the open….  was now covering his tracks.”

Trixie: “That's spooky as hell! Why's this the first time I'm hearing about somebody out there killing people??”

Billie gave a bit of a knowing look as she explained: “Because what we're listening to is a conspiracy. She's not seeing the evidence and working from it, she's made a theory first and is putting together all the information that supports the theory. That's how these true crime conspiracies work. It's good for a spooky campfire story, but there's a reason why the actual detectives aren't saying the same thing and telling the local news to spread the word.”

Roxy: “Man, you're just gonna be working me up over nothing then.”

Mary: “Not REALLY nothing, this stuff has actually happened.”

She then pitches her voice low and spooky for emphasis.

Mary: “And who knows, maybe there really was a cover up with the serial killer not actually being killed.”

Sparrow: “Yeah! Don't be a spoilsport! So like, so…. Like… uhhh… so how does this stuff have anything to do with Barbra though? Like you're saying the death of this Bob guy was a cover up, but how does this connect to Barbra?”

Mary: “Well first up, their descriptions are very similar. Barbra has the right height and build for…”

Billie: “How tall did they say this Velseb guy was?”

Mary: “Uhhh….”

She flipped through the presentation back to the mugshot 

“6 foot 4.”

Billie: “Yeah, that's about right for Barbra.”

Showing her experience as a bouncer with being able to judge people's height from comparing them to their ID's.

Mary: “Right! Hair color, skin, build, even the accents match too.”

Sparrow: “Cool! That's already way better than when you tried to link me to any murders!”

Mary: “I know right!”

Greta: “Still, that's just looking like a dead serial killer. If you're only going based off of just happening to know someone who matches the description, that could still lead to hurt feelings.”

Mary: “But that's the thing, it's not only looking the same. Like for instance, think about how Barbara and Caprica said they met.”

Billie: “.... A car accident.”

Mary: “Right! And what started off this whole uptick in violent crime? This guy getting killed, getting his truck stolen, then whoever stole it crashing the truck into a ditch on the outskirts of the town.”

Trixie: “That's not the same type of accident they described in how they met though.”

Mary: “Yeah, but any good cover story has an element of truth in it.”

Ash: “So you're basically saying, that Caprica pulled somebody out of a wreck, who turned out to be a cannibal serial killer that the cops covered up the death of. And who instead of cannibal serial killing her, fell head over heels in love, and now…. what, they're like a serial killer power couple or something? So is Caprica secretly a serial killer now too?”

Mary: “Weeeeeeeelllllllll…. Kinda? Yeah? I mean, turns out, Capricas actually kinda legit been through some horrible stuff in real life. Buuuuut I'm not so sure about talking about that stuff since it, you know, actually 100% happened to her.”

Trixie: “Shit, so you're saying she actually has some kind of excuse for how trying to make smalltalk with her, makes her look like she's offended you even thought to try and speak to her?

It's not like… you know. Because of some guy…. Right?”

Mary: “No, no, nothing like that.”

Greta: “Well… you might as well tell us since we've come this far.”

Mary: “....Okay. Just a sec.”

She goes to the laptop, clicks open a web browser, and takes a moment to look up the right event.

Mary: “Okay, so over a decade ago, there was this thing that happened at a campsite near here, where this big elk supposedly ate something bad, like old rat poison from the 70s or something, which made it freak out and go on a violent rampage where it gored a bunch of campers to death.”

She steps back to show an old newspaper clipping with a picture of Caprica and a bunch of young scouts.

Mary: “Caprica was one of the few survivors, who also saved a bunch of cub scouts by having them climb a tree where the elk couldn't reach them.”

Sparrow: “Hold on, I actually recognize this one! That's the state record for the single most people killed in a single day due to an animal attack! So Caprica was one of the people involved in it the whole time? That's wild!”

Ash: “From hero to serial killer….. That's pretty brutal of her…. Nice.”

Sparrow: “Of course the lady who still dresses goth every day even though she's pushing 40 would have that be the takeaway here.”

Ash: “I know what I'm about.”

Trixie: “That still seems like a bit of a reach though.”

Billie: “I’ll reiterate. This is a conspiracy theory being made up for fun. It's going to be full of reaches.”

Trixie: “No I mean, Barbra is absolutely crazy for that girl. Like remember that one time? (comic about bob drowning his sorrows in liquor because caprica had to go to a doctors appointment and he couldn't come along.) Trixie: “It just seems disproportionate to fall that hard after a life of murder and cannibalism, to Caprica of all people.”

Sparrow: “You literally just said a few minutes ago if you were in Barbara's position getting your life saved, they wouldn't be able to get rid of you if they tried.”

Trixie: “What, am I suddenly not allowed to embellish a little? But I mean, come on, haven't you seen the two of them enough? Heck, starting out I was more worried that Caprica was like… like she didn't even want to be in a relationship?”

Ash: “I always got the opposite impression personally, like she was taking advantage of Barbra. She's always acting so mean to her. Like with us she's at least trying to be polite, but not so much with Barb. I've been trying to keep an eye for any other red flags like that, but Barbra’s never seemed to mind soooo….”

Greta: “Hey now, let's not start implying Caprica is abusive. It's clear she's done a lot for Barbra, however begrudgingly. Even coming to the bar all these times. It's clear Caprica isn't doing it because she enjoys clubbing. Barbara's always been the one having the most fun.”

Roxy: “Yeah, let's not have this get out of hand with all these accusations.”

Mary: “And more importantly, I want better feedback on my theory! I mean of all the reasons why it could be wrong, I'd hope for better than something like “Barbra is acting way too crazy to have POSSIBLY been a deranged cannibal serial killer.”

Sparrow: “That Barbra is a certified freak 7 days a week and I love that for her.”

Roxy: “Forget about Barbra, I still don't like the thought that some cannibal serial killer has come over from that town with all the spooky shit going on and is around here terrorizing people!”

Billie: “Once again, she's not following the evidence, she's inventing a ghost story and then finding scary evidence to support the narrative while leaving out any conflicting evidence or context. If it were genuinely something to worry about, this wouldn't be your first time hearing about it.”

Trixie: “Plus it can’t actually be the cannibal serial killer guy, he's super dead.”

Mary-Anne, with a bit of a mischievous tone as she leaned in back to her presentation: “.....You know, I actually found some cell phone video of the guy getting run over I can show everyone.”

To which Billie the bouncer stood up sharply and said: “Nope. Putting my foot down. New rule. No snuff films in the bar.”

Before closing the lid of the laptop.

Mary: “Awwww what? No!”

Trixie: “Killjoy.”

Ash, clearly sarcastic and kidding around: “Yeah, no watching the brutal deaths of serial killers in a bar? What are you, homophobic or something?”

Mary: “It's actually a pretty funny video without much gore or anything. The guy gets run over by a car like 4 times in a row. Like a loony toons character.”

Billie: “I don't care how funny it is, that's the sort of stuff that can get the business in trouble.”

Roxy: “But can't we make an exception this time? I'd feel a lot better for sure knowing that guy is dead.”

Billie replies as she straightens out her pants and shirt: “It's almost time for me to start my shift, so might be best to just call it quits here.”

Mary-Anne went back to the laptop to scroll through the list of images she'd gathered for people either missing or dead.

Mary: “Awww, but I didn't even get a chance to go through the list of victims yet.”

Greta: “No, she's right. I think we've seen enough. I doubt this is anything we should be letting Barbra see. Let's just stop here before…”

Sparrow: “Wait. Scroll back up.”

Mary-Anne did as asked, scrolling a bit up again and upon seeing it Sparrows eyes got wide, and she covered her mouth in shock. Prompting a few of the others to look as well. Getting a similar look of surprise.

Ash: “Oh, wow.”

Mary: “What? What is it?”

Ash: “You weren't there that day. So you wouldn't know. But that one?”

She points at a certain picture of a man on the screen.

Ash: “That's one of the guys who grabbed Caprica that day.”

The silence hangs in the air for a moment.

Mary: “This guy?”

Ash: “Yep.”

Trixie: “Okay that's spooky. But one guy going missing is a coincidence at best. Especially the kind of guy who'd behave like he and that other jerk did. I bet he's asking for a fight everywhere he goes. So let's not jump to conclusions. Maybe if they both went missing that might be a…”

Mary: “Well let's see! What did the other one look like?”

She said with a bit of excitement, scrolling through the rest of her list of missing persons.

Billie:“.... He looked like that.”

Mary: “Huh?”

Billie stepped over, and used the laptop trackpad to scroll a bit upwards, then pointed at a specific picture in the list of missing persons. The picture of the second guy who had tried to hit on Caprica that night.

Mary: “Thats him.”

The air hung still for a moment, the weight of the realization sinking in. Trixie Being the first to break the silence with,

Trixie: “..... Well shit, Barbra and Caprica might actually be some kind of serial killers.”

Another moment of silence, until

Ash: “.....Good for them.” The humor of the response breaking the tension with an indignant, though slightly giggly response of Sparrow: “Ash! Oh my god!”

Ash: “What? Am I supposed to be upset that a pair of creeps who snuck into a gay bar and try to sexually harass the shortest lesbian they could find in the club, and right in front of her girlfriend no less, have gone missing? Good riddance if you ask me.”

Sparrow looked between the women nervously before her gaze settled on Billie: “For real though, should we… call someone about this?” Mary: “What happened to helping bury the bodies?”

Trixie: “Would probably be burying Barbra if you sent the police after her.”

Sparrow: “What?” Trixie: “Seriously, what the fuck do you think would happen if we called up the police and told them that a lesbian trans woman MIGHT be involved in the disappearance of two men? And not only that, but that we’re suspicious of her being involved in their disappearance because she got into a fight with these two dudes when they tried to “correct a woman from the deviancy of homosexuality”. You might as well be broadcasting “Hey dudes! Free target practice over here! Feel free to shoot this woman as many times as you want, because no jury is going to condemn you for murdering a butch trans woman!” to almost every trigger happy misogynist dirtbag in town.” Greta: “I knew this was going to be a mistake….”

Billie let off a sigh: “Trixie is right. We could easily be putting Barbra’s life at risk based on a coincidence she had nothing to do with. Whereas it would be a roll of the dice if it even mattered to law enforcement if she were actually guilty or not.”

Sparrow: “....I guess you’re right.”

Roxy: “Man I told y'all this was gonna be a bad idea. Now yall are speculating about turning Barbra over to the police. But you know what? I’m with Ash on this one! Even though Mary-Anne’s been trying to freak us all out trying to link all these murders to Barbra, the only real evidence we have is that two wannabe date rapists who happened to get into a fight with Barbra have now gone missin. And even if Barb and Caprica did off those two, then good on em for actually being proactive in getting rid of creeps like that. Long as they’re sticking to cleaning up trash like that, and aren’t going after any of the people I care about or who have the good sense to just be minding their own business, then I couldn't give less of a shit.” Trixie: “I hope Barbra and Caprica did kill those pigs though. Fuck the cops, I wish more of them had been killed.”

Greta: “.....I think it might be best for everyone if we just change the subject and forget the whole thing.”

Mary: “........Do you think maybe Barbra and Caprica might have room for one more in their relationship though?” Sparrow, through laughter: “OH MY GOD!” Ash, also trying to stifle a chuckle: “Dude, don’t go trying to be some couple’s third wheel just because you think they might be serial killers.”

Trixie: “Yeah, what if they say yes and then you find out they’re actually super boring and you just end up being disappointed?” Mary: “A girl can dream can’t she?” Roxy, clearly not taking it seriously: “I’d be more worried about you thinking the worst case scenario here would be them NOT being serial killers.” They continue chatting for awhile about various things before eventually going their separate ways, having all agreed not to tell Barbra or Caprica about this conversation. 

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

Look it's Caprica

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

Caprica is just trying to make sure she has the upper body strength necessary to dispose of the body of a 300+ pound man. Unfortunately for Caprica tho, Bob's exactly enough of a freak to be into that sort of thing. And knowing that his tiny girlfriend/hostage is buff enough to drag his fat butt around, and knows how to tie a knot? That helps too.

part 1 of 2

Thanks to his supernatural regeneration, the attempts to get rid of Bob haven't exactly been going well. And after the hours of frustration cleaning blood out of her expensive carpets from Bob bleeding everywhere after she's stabbed him multiple times, she's hit a breaking point, and wants to experiment with methods for making attempted murdering of Bob be a bit less messy and more hygienic. and less at the expense of her expensive treasures and collectibles. Cus like, sure, he's been stabbed or maimed or whatever, but would it kill Bob to bleed on the tile or linoleum instead of the silk Persian rug?

Meanwhile Bob's jut happy to be included cus she almost never actually calls for him. Though he's also a little hesitant so ya know he's learned a bit of a lesson from the prior floor pie incident where he got creamed by a bucket full of rocks and covered in knives.

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

I found a perfect monster for adding Bob Velseb into a Dungeons and Dragons game!

Tho if ya wanted to get even closer to an exact match with him losing the wings and tail, then you could make him a half-fiend, as fiends can produce offspring with other races including humans.

So you would have a half human half pie fiend who can shape shift between a human and demonic form. And he could lack a lot of the pie specific cooking magic that pie fiends often pick up over their long lifespans, but still be a very cooking obsessed dude with demonic abilities.

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

part 1 of 2

Thanks to his supernatural regeneration, the attempts to get rid of Bob haven't exactly been going well. And after the hours of frustration cleaning blood out of her expensive carpets from Bob bleeding everywhere after she's stabbed him multiple times, she's hit a breaking point, and wants to experiment with methods for making attempted murdering of Bob be a bit less messy and more hygienic. and less at the expense of her expensive treasures and collectibles. Cus like, sure, he's been stabbed or maimed or whatever, but would it kill Bob to bleed on the tile or linoleum instead of the silk Persian rug?

Meanwhile Bob's jut happy to be included cus she almost never actually calls for him. Though he's also a little hesitant so ya know he's learned a bit of a lesson from the prior floor pie incident where he got creamed by a bucket full of rocks and covered in knives.

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

Caprica is able to significantly lengthen the duration of escape attempts (and thus distract Bob from murdering) through "tree time" where she climbs somewhere out of reach and stays there as long as she can stand too. Thus exploiting one of Bob's primary weaknesses (said weakness being that he weighs about 300 pounds and cannot do a chin up).

Tree time is quite possibly Bobs least favorite activity. Especially when she can figure out ways to make it extra annoying like this.

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

When ur girlfriend is a snack, and you've got a serious eating disorder, so ur gonna keep lickin even when they taste like drain cleaner XD

But seriously, not only is he not a particualry smart dude, but the guy has a bit of that OCD disorder binge eating problem in the au. He's got problems with compulsive behavior, like having to stop in the middle of everything when he's got his targets cornered to eat candy off the floor. And this is one of those less glamorous times where he's gotten himself stuck in a behavior that doesn't do him any good. Like people who bite their nails trying to stop by wearing bad tasting nail polish, but just powering through anyway cus they couldn't help themselves. But it's fun and suits the shows cannon to show Bob hang himself by his own rope sometimes. And it's funny to watch an otherwise quite clever plan be hard countered by a big dummy who was just a bit too excited to canoodle with his crush.

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

Lol, Caprica once again doing her "exploit any weakness" thing. though luckily, (or perhaps unluckily) nothing teaches self control quite like explicitly malicious overindulgence. So Bob only puts on a few extra pounds from the cakes.

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

Hey yall, I caught a cold and am not feeling great, especially since its the kind that makes it hard to get any good sleep. So I would appreciate yall leaving comments on my fanfics for the au to lift my spirits a bit until I can start drawing again.

Ive updated it with all the latest comics in chronological order. But for those who are new to the au, here’s some examples of the kinds of comics ive made thus far. Make sure to pay attention to the trigger warnings as there’s some graphic gore and adult content.

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

Bob Gets a Ugly Christmas Sweater

If i can get enough people bothering me about it, I'll turn the "all i want for christmas is to eat santa claus" sweater into an actual sweater design you can buy.

It's fun packing in background details and lore bits. Like the sign on the table clearly having been made based on experience from Bob distracting her. How bobs arm hair is still patchy from the burns. and how bob is actually following the don't touch while she's working rule. Plus how in a previous comic (specifically this one), Bob remembers her setting him on fire before? well this is that time. Get to see a glimpse of how she molotov cocktailed this man. Also i think it shows pretty well the moral position Caprica takes which is kinda weird to see in person. Where she is fine with killing in defense of herself and others, but not okay with torturing. So like, she will set this man on fire without hesitation, but also she's not gonna let a guy go all winter without a sweater.

Figure this latest part kinda shows how Bob really can't bring himself to be all that resentful. Like Caprica set him on fire sure, but with his supernatural resilience, the damage isn't permanent. So he can also just kinda be chill with how he likes hanging out with her in the interim. Even if she's mostly paid close attention and tried to figure him out to either make her own life easier or to manipulate him later, he could still like feeling seen or understood. And enjoy her doing little things like phrasing a late lunch as having two dinners.

Also, a benefit to buying Bob all these new sweaters and take out dinners, is she can threaten to throw everything in a bonfire if he tries to murder and eat children. It.... mostly works.

But this comic also shows a bit of how they function when they're sharing a body as opposed to having Bob be out and about disguised as Barbra.

Also I'm super proud of managing to fit about 3 dick jokes into the name of the store, and if i could, i would try to make it an accepted headcannon within the spooky month fandom that Bob bought his iconic sweater at a store called Dickinwoods. And It's a lot easier to be surprised by a thoughtful handmade gift when you're dumb as a brick and can watch the whole process of the thing getting made and only realize what's going on at almost the very end.

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

OMG!!! thanks so much for the fanart! and the art of this fanfic where Bob got shot in the back https://archiveofourown.org/works/49505929/chapters/125198419

ya made it so dramatic! i love it :D and in the last image ya captured her world weary disgruntlement and "my wardrobe is might as well be 70% pajamas that i just don't care about wearing outside" vibe so well. And back with the first image showing Bob with his cat person derangement syndrome where they're just totally smitten for their feral housecat despite it being an ornery little beast who hates being touched.

Misc doodles of Bob and Caprica from @theweirderstuffblogdontlook Possession AU.

Really happy with the line up art. Helped me get the scaling between the two of them.

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

Big scary man encourages anxiety riddled party pooper to play with power tools. It does not go well for him. Showin yall the first event in the timeline where Bob actually gets spooked by Caprica.

Back at Bob's house from the start of the Tender Treats spooky month episode. Bob's decided he's moving in with Caprica in her big luxurious house, so he's packing up some of his things to bring to her place. Ya should be able to tell it's pretty early in the timeline since he's wearing his spooky month outfit, has shorter hair, heavier eyebags, and slouches more. At this point, he hasn't fully recovered yet from his resurrection, and is still felling a bit sick, sore, and out of shape.

Bob's excited about gathering up his tools, and when they're both excited, especially over a similar thing, it kinda amplifies how fun an activity is for bob. So Caprica getting excited over the chainsaw, then kinda stamping down those feelings because of being so anxious and self conscious a person. it kinda just gave Bob a bump of enjoyment then snatched it away. And Bob's a reckless enough person, he's not really thinking ahead, he just kinda wants her getting excited again cus it makes things more fun for himself.

This should actually give yall some extra context for the previous comic with bob deciding not to get drunk with the fancy whisky. When she shows all doe eyed and excited in her stance in that comic, it actually startles Bob little bit and gives him cause for concern. And now yall should have a better idea why. That cutesy innocent look is often actually her excited for murder look. and here we get to see Bob learn that the hard way.

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

Merry Greason's Everyone!

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

Nothing convinces ya to stay sober quite like a gremlin that will exploit any available weakness. Soooo, yeah Bob doesn't do much drinking in this au.

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

It's tough sometimes feelin what someone else feels.

As a former Zombie, Bob having spent a very painful few days without a functioning body temperature when he was resurrected, he's not too keen on the cold anymore.

Not that his big dumb butt is gonna clearly communicate how uncomfortable it really makes him.

So she's goin in the sweater.

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

Got two fanfics below the readmore, and a closing comic strip at the end of the fanfic showing what happens afterwards. So make sure to at least scroll to the bottom!

Sitting at the bar, a gay bar mostly frequented by lesbians which they had visited without incident a few times prior, Caprica alternated between sipping a drink, looking at her phone, and keeping an eye on Bob. Bob being currently disguised as Barbra, her "girlfriend" and former truck driver from out of town who’s been recovering from a car accident at her house.

It seemed everything was going pretty well. Bob's done a good job not being too suspicious and not breaking character, so she's been exploiting the bar over the past couple of days to keep Bob busy, and give herself a break from having the undivided attention of her obsessive stalker.

Though the unfortunate (in her opinion) trade off of being in a public location, is that sometimes people other than Bob will also take the initiative to bother her.

Case in point, as a lady sat in a barstool beside her, gesturing to get her attention and get Caprica to lean in a bit closer.

Saying in a bit of a hushed tone

"Hey, sorry to bother ya honey, but I figured I'd ask you instead. But Barbara's a Trans woman right?"

Oh… guess they clocked Bob. Still, that's a lot better than assuming he's a notorious criminal hiding out in disguise. 

She rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly.

"Uhhhhh…. Yeah. She… uhhh, she'd rather not talk about it."

"Yeah I understand. Just figured I'd ask since we've got a support group coming up, in case she wants to participate. You can let her know just in case I don't get the chance to talk with her privately for a minute."

"No, it's probably best if I let her know myself, so she won't… uhhh… I'll let her know."

"Alright, just get back to me if Barb is interested or not. No pressure though if she isn comfortable bringing it up."

"Yeah, we'll let you know."

And she got up and left to go mingle, leaving Caprica alone with her thoughts.

Damn, she should probably get ahead of this before Bob does anything too suspicious.

Sometime later, she and Bob sat in the big truck that used to belong to her grandfather, getting ready to go home, though she got Bob to pause for a bit for a chat. 

"So there might be something we should go over in regards to your Barbra disguise. So just in case someone asks, let's go over what transgender means, and a few other relevant terms you should know."

"Well alright. If ya think it'll help."

(One explanation later…..)

"Alright, now say it back to me. Someone asks if you're a Trans woman, what do you think that means?"

Bob, with a bit of excitement in his tone, replies

"It means I'm a lady who hasn't chopped off her dick yet!"

"...."

"...."

"You know what, we'll work on that."

And they head home.

Another day, another time, but the same place, Caprica and Bob (disguised as Barbra) are sitting together at a table at the lesbian bar, sharing a plate of nachos. 

Though Caprica was more eating a small bowl of jalapeño rings that came with the nachos than the nachos themselves.

And Bob was more enjoying teasing and flirting with his grumpy unsociable girlfriend than snacking.

Until they are rudely interrupted.

Two men, acting tipsy either from alcohol or their own egotistical self satisfaction, sleased over, one of them leaning against the table beside Caprica while the other stood behind her.

"Hey cutie, how'd you like to get with a real man?"

"Yeah, we’d be happy to show what you’re missing, hanging out with a bunch of slutty rug munchers like these."

Without skipping a beat though, and more of reflex than anything, Caprica deadpanned,

"Dude, this is a gay bar…. For gays. Quit flirting with people like me and go suck each other's faces instead."

And reached to take a sip of her drink.

Before her eyes glance over, and notice Bob's hand balled into a tight fist, which shook slightly with rage.

Caprica choked on her drink

OH SHIT RIGHT BOB!!!!!

These guys just… Oh shit. Right in front of Bob.

Trying not to let the nerves show in her voice, she says

"Okay, you…. You guys need to leave…" 

Obviously not successful in putting up a brave front.

And the guys just leaned in a bit closer. Pitching their voices a bit lower to make it harder for any lookie-loos to hear them over the background music.

"Awwww, but we just got here! And somebody's gotta set these dykes straight, might as well be a couple of good Samaritans like us."

"Yeah, we'd be happy to show you chick's what dick tastes like."

SHIT what can she do!! These guys are literally digging their own graves! Eyes widening further in fear she glances between the guys and the barely disguised ball of murderous rage that was Bob. 

Probably the only things keeping these two guys alive right now, was one… Bob being a bit of a slow thinker, taking a minute to figure out how exactly he was gonna murder these two. And two, that she makes him leave his knives at home when they go out in disguise so he couldn’t impulse stab as easily.

She makes a snap decision. 

Maybe if she can make a scene first, Bob won't get the opportunity to do something drastic and reveal his identity in public.

She turns to glare at the two men, raising her voice to draw more attention and maybe get someone else to intervene first before any blood gets spilled.

"I am literally here with my fucking girlfriend!"

She says gesturing at Bob.

"Now unless you two assholes want the only thing you're ever known for around town, is that you two are the kind of guys to hit on other people's girlfriends, you'd better walk out those doors and never let anyone here see your faces ever again!"

And good lord, the condescending smugness of these dudes was palpable.

"Hey now, no need to get all hysterical on us."

"Yeah, how are we supposed to know if it's your time of the month or not?"

And the two snicker dumbly, while Capricas eyes dart around. 

Two of the women from the dance floor, who were regulars at the bar, seem to have gotten the hint that something was up and were heading this way.

Though the two guys then continued, clearly trying to cover their ass now that there was a risk of witnesses.

"Hey, if you… two aren't in an uhhhh… open relationship you coulda just let us know and not get all upset over nothing.

"Besides, with how gross, fat, and hairy your girlfriend is, maybe you don't need a guy after all!"

Their condescending laughter peters out with a squeak of Bob's chair as he stands. The two men's courage faltering for a moment as they see his stature dwarfing the both of theirs.

The two women who had been making their way over also pausing at the sight, the anger in Bob's posture being clear even from across the room.

Though he keeps his tone even, and thankfully doesn't drop the feminine affect in his voice (and thus his disguise). And with a slow, controlled movement, he takes off his sunglasses, folds them, and hangs them on the collar of his funny 'my other ride is your mom' novelty shirt.

He then leans over, resting one hand on the table, and staring down the men with his big crazy eyes and deranged grin.

"You boys know what happens when you try hitting on another man's girlfriend right in front of them?"

One of the men puts up his hands in a timid ‘alright, calm down’ sort of gesture. Trying to be sassy as he says, "Hey, no need to HURK!!"

Bob snatched the man by the throat, cutting him off and startling his friend, along with Caprica 

"HEY HEY HEY!!!"

"BARB DON'T!!"

Caprica shot up from her seat, as Bob calmly made his way around the table, gaze hungrily fixed on the choking man clawing at Bob's hand, trying to break the grip around his neck.

Though he's knocked out of his focus as the assholes friend winds up a punch, and clocks Bob in the face with an accompanying shout of,

"LET GO OF HIM YOU BITCH!!!"

Bob staggers at the hit, then stills, and turns his attention to the other man. Who's angry expression falters with fear as Bob meets his gaze.

Caprica scrambles over, trying to get between Bob and the man, but he is able to move past her easily to punch the guy in the gut, and he crumples, wind knocked out of him. 

As Caprica, in a hushed worried tone, pleaded,

"Barb, we're in public Barb, people are watching, Barb. You know the rules, don’t break character."

And Bob, appearing not to listen, grabbed the other man by the collar of his shirt as he wheezed and tried not to fall over. Bob not obliging this man's attempt to stay upright, kicking out one of his legs so he tumbled, and the only thing keeping his head from smacking on the ground, being the shirt collar Bob held. Letting the second man be pulled along like a struggling sack of flour, all while still pulling the first man along by the neck, and starting to walk. Caprica still panicking in a hushed tone as by now the attention of the whole bar was on them, and a number of bystanders got closer to get a better view of the action.

"Come on Barrrb, think about you're doing, if you hurt them we can't come back…."

Bob started dragging the two men towards the front door of the bar, wide manic grin still on his face with each heavy step, and Caprica following along beside him, frantically whispering.

"They'll come and find us at the house, they might figure things out before we even get a real chance to run. Don't do this."

Bob kicks the door open, dragging the two struggling men out with him, letting one of the guys get smacked on the doorframe on the way out, and letting the door swing shut behind him.

Leaving Caprica looking nervously across the audience of mostly lesbians, many of whom were now chatting amongst themselves conspiratorially.

Caprica being too stressed to get a read on how the audience might be feeling about the whole affair and if they’ve turned against her and Bob or not.

But she does take a moment to consider since there weren't any windows to look out of, either on the door or the adjacent wall, maybe if she just stood here she could keep people from going out and witnessing Bob ripping them apart and calling the cops and escalating the whole thing and everyone finding out about Bob and Bob grabbing her before she can run and him getting taken to prison while she’s still stuck inside him and…

There's entirely too many people looking at her, so she goes out the door in a hurry.

She finds Bob standing there calmly, hands in his pockets, looking out across the street. His eyes glance down at her when she asks

"Where are the!!!!"

But she's interrupted as Bob gestures slightly with his head in the direction he'd been looking before, and Caprica can see the two men shambling off, one supporting the other with their arm across his shoulders to keep them steady.

Caprica lets out a huge wheezy breath, bracing against Bob with one hand as she doubles over and says,

"Oh thank fuck."

And Bob looks at her with a sly cheeky grin. 

She takes a few more deep breaths to try and steady herself, Bob saying a teasing

"Y'all right there sweetiepie?"

"I'm just…. Wheeze, shit Bob…. Just…"

"Spooked ya good didn't I?"

She glares at him.

"Don't you go acting like some bastion of self control now you fucking asshole. I know you were barely an inch from ruining everything."

"Yeah, but it's still fun to watch you get mad about it."

Caprica presses her face into her hands and lets out a long annoyed tone to try and get the stress out,

"HHHHHRRRRRrrrrgggggg…. Come on…. We still gotta go back in there and sort this out. You're stable enough right?"

Bob chuckles in response.

And Caprica stands up straight with a clap of her hands and says

"WHELP! Alright it's settled! Let's just leave and never come back, and never speak of this again!"

Bob leans in, wrapping an arm around Caprica's shoulders tenderly and nuzzling against the top of her head while saying apologetically.

"Awww darlin, come on, you'll be okay, they ain't gonna…"

Bob's interrupted as the door beside them opens, it's the bouncer, who was looking thoroughly apologetic, along with someone who normally is working the bar, but from the more authoritative tone, they were probably a more managerial type on top of pouring drinks.

"Are you two alright? From the sound of it, one of them tried to grab Caprica and the other ended up punching you when you tried to stop them."

It not being lost on Bob that the events were already getting spun to make him and Caprica look more innocent and non-confrontational than they had been. Clearly, the community was gonna be much more invested in looking after their own than being sympathetic to a couple of assholes. And Bob was happy to lean into that impulse of theirs. After all, he quite liked it here too, even if it meant agreeing to expand his ‘dont eat the neighbors, that’s too suspicious’ compromise with Caprica to include ‘don’t eat anyone who’s clearly a lesbian. It is not a large community and word travels fast and it’ll be too suspicious’. Taking on a warm tone and shifting back into his feminine Barbra affect, he stands back to his full height, though keeping an arm around Caprica, and responds,

"Yeah, we're alright. Don't-chu worry."

"How about the two men?"

"I gave 'em an earful and let 'em limp off with their tail between their legs. Hopefully we won't be dealin with those two again any time soon."

The manager seems relieved, taking up a bit more confident, even somewhat protective tone as she responds,

"Alright, if they show up again and start getting butthurt about things and trying to twist everything around, we've got a bar full of witnesses to let the authorities know how big of a creep those guys were. And of course, it should go without saying that those guys are banned for life."

The bouncer holds open the door for them, the manager trying to usher them both inside.

"Come on, I'll give you both a free drink, or maybe something to eat to help ya calm down, or heck, both if you want. And let's get you an ice pack for that bruise Barbra."

Though with Caprica being obviously the more nervous of the two, the bulk of the fretting quickly turned to her, giving Bob a moment to fidget with what he had in his pocket.

The source of why Bob was able to do an emotional 180 so quickly, and turn so calm and confident after the insults and the jealous, possessive rage.

Taking them out covertly for a moment to examine.

Two leather wallets. And flipping open the top one, a drivers license can be clearly seen in the transparent pouch, belonging to the man he had threatened to strangle to death.

A drivers license and thus, a name, and an address.

Bob's grin widened with sinister glee, before he stowed the mens wallets away, and followed the group inside.

Then, the following night...

[theweirderstuffblogdontlook]

She regrets giving this man a smartphone XD

Her creaturing now having the opportunity to be documented has hilariously exacerbated Bob's succumbing to the cat person derangement syndrome, because his girlfriend was just that small and mean and scrunkly. Like sure, the smartphone game apps and his habit of taking funny cat pictures of her doing her creature things around the house and showing off/bragging about said pictures of her to basically anyone who will listen has proved to be a pretty sizable distraction from his usual habit of cannibal murdering. But good god at what cost to her already frail dignity XD

I've been working on a whole silly narrative about Bob and caprica becoming regulars at a lesbian bar. Like at first, Bob was a bit wary of taking Caprica to a lesbian bar, since he gets jealous easily and what if someone tries to flirt with his girlfriend?

But upon seeing her utter lack of rizz in action, he quickly changed his mind. Like, Caprica couldn't flirt her way out of a wet paper bag.

So Bob, generally working under the assumption that ladies take a bit of effort to woo, basically went

"Well damn, shes terrible with the ladies. If this were a guy going after a lady, I'd literally have to wingman for them of they had any hope at all of getting any action."

He's not entirely correct in his assessment, as he's considerably underestimating how diverse of standards women can have. But the idea of him being confident that the average lesbian has too high of standards to chase after his terrible girlfriend just seemed too funny an opportunity to pass up. Like I can imagine it leading to Caprica getting absolutely roasted at some point XD