thewitchness

[thewitchness]

[thewitchness]

I cannot stand the parodies of modern major general, they're overdone and simply not as good as the original. They've done them about everything, whatever topic, big or small.

And when i notice one of them my eyes will always start to roll.

The diction's always slurry when they rush the complicated words, and adding many fricatives will turn it so cacophonous. The slanted rhymes are silly and they keep just making more and more, please someone stop the parodies of modern major general.

The scanning of the lyrics in the meter is unbearable, they emphazise the syllables in ways that are untenable, in short in matters musical, prosodic and ephemeral, i cannot stand the parodies of modern major general!

[thewitchness]

[thewitchness]

IF I WEREN'T A MOBILE USER I WOULD BE MAKING MY SUS FACE RIGHT NOW. THIS IS EXCITING STUFF.

The key shortcut of "windows key" and "." held together has changed my life

like

emoji access? supremely powerful 🙂💖

But

Kaomoji ?

The year is 2013 and I am unstoppable ヾ(•ω•`)o o(*￣▽￣*)ブo(*°▽°*)o

[thewitchness]

I honestly thought these *were* tony hawk jokes so I started reading them out loud but realized when I got to the last one and now my breath smells like onions.

Clint is the Tony Hawk of the Marvel Universe

[thewitchness]

DAE get John Kanaka stuck in their head when they visit Cananc in-game or is it just me?

[thewitchness]

A PSA about trucks from a truck driver

I and some colleagues were talking about how we wish everyone could see the safety videos that our company was showing us, because I don’t think most people understand how traffic works in a truck. So here’s some things we wish everyone on the road knew.

- we’re not kidding about tailgating. If you’re right behind us on a straight highway? Chances are we have NO IDEA you’re there, which means we can’t anticipate any of your movements. Plus slowing down takes multiple downshifts, so we might start decreasing speed way earlier than you expect.

- We’re not kidding about any of our blind spots. WE CAN’T SEE YOU, GUYS.

- That bit about slowing down taking a while? The same goes for when you’re in front of us. Don’t cut off a truck. Oh god, PLEASE don’t cut off a truck. If you cut me off, I’m not irritated, I’m terrified. For YOU. It can take 7 to 9 seconds for us to stop. DON’T CUT OFF TRUCKS.

- Before you get mad about how slow we’re going on the highway, keep in mind that many companies govern their vehicles so they literally CAN’T go over 60 or 65. This is a good thing, I promise. Because…

- Do you know what happens when a car meets a truck in an accident? The car gets totaled and the truck needs a new coat of paint. You will not win this fight. I know nobody likes getting stuck behind a big dumb truck, but it’s not worth your life.

We are trying our best to protect you from our 80,000 pound death machines. Please help us out.

[thewitchness]

A story where someone is brought back from the dead, and at first it seems like it's all Came Back Wrong: This is no longer the person that the people around her knew - she has the same memories as she did in life, knows the same people and has the same skills and habits, but she says things that she never would have in her life. Harsh, cruel, and frightening things. There is no more peace in the house because of the things she tells people, picking at wounds in the household with surgical presicion.

When asked why she must be like this, and why she cannot just be the kind and gentle person she was before - the one they loved and wanted back so badly that they broke the laws of nature to return her to life - she tells them that they should not have done that. This household will never know peace again until either she dies again or someone else in the family does.

She is still the same person, with the same thoughts and feelings. Only one thing has changed: The dead cannot lie.

[thewitchness]

Is this anything

[thewitchness]

THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN

[thewitchness]

Back when I was working at the factory years ago, I was living alone, undiagnosed, unmedicated, and stll talking to my family so all in all I was Not Doing Well mentally. Fortunately I had a solid contract and there's an unwavering workers' union, so mental health issues count as health issues and if you think you can fire a worker for health issues and get away with it, the union representatives will find you and eat your liver. Fortunately that does not need to happen particularly often, at least not at my old workplace.

Regardless, struggling to function in daily life also involved struggling to function at work, so one day I got called upstairs to the shift managers' office for some polite questioning of Bitch What The Fuck. And I guess they had expected me to get defensive or something, because it seemed like we were both mutually surprised to find that both sides of the discussion were perfectly willing to aknowledge that I have severe mental health problems.

I told them flat-out that I understand completely what the situation is like from their perspective - an employee is a tool just like any other, and they don't want to have broken equipment malfunctioning on site. And the one absolute sweetheart of shift managers (whom they probably picked for the task specifically because she's so nice with people) went "noooo that's not what we're saying D:" like I had said something horrible.

And I'm like no you are not understanding me. Being treated like a piece of equipment worth maintaining instead of discarding is the closest I've ever been to being treated like something with any value at all. Don't you fucking try to take this from me.

[thewitchness]

I've never been one to complain about rainbow capitalism anyway and in 2025 I am firmly "I will take whatever I can get" but I wish that conversation ever focused on whether companies putting pride themed logos on their social media accounts have homophobic or transphobic policies behind the scenes. Subaru was notable in the 90s because when their market research showed their cars were popular with lesbians and they decided to start actively advertising to them, they backed that up with policies for their LGBTQ employees, notably extending benefits to same-sex partners when gay couples couldn't legally get married, which was a big deal at the time. If a company is doing rainbow capitalism in public but have a history of employees complaining about discrimination we should talk about that but that's never what the generic complaints about rainbow capitalism are.

[thewitchness]

this guy

reblog if you agree

[thewitchness]

Nothing makes me laugh more than when a cop acts like a cop or a lawyer acts like a lawyer and people are surprised by it.

[thewitchness]

This got stuck in my head after that "Legend of Zegend" edit crossed my dash again, and I was genuinely surprised to learn that – as far as I'm able to determine – literally nobody has done this one yet. So now this exists.

[thewitchness]

[thewitchness]

Friend group chats are fun. Today one of my friends, who keeps pet crayfish, found babies in a tank that was supposed to be a males only. No choice but to empty out the whole tank to fish out the babies of unknowable origins. But lo and behold, there was a culprit: one teeny tiny little female had somehow escaped containment, evidently specifically going out of her way to break into this all male tank to get railed by like 15 males twice her size. Possibly completely different breed, too. Monsterfucker supreme.

So for a good solid hour or so, the whole group chat was focused on. slutshaming this one specific little crustacean. With like 300 babies.