thewomanintheshadow - Tumblr blog

[thewomanintheshadow]

Internal War

I am having very bad cravings right now. I have realized that I am very emotionally addicted to food. It's my comfort place. It makes me feel physically good. It fulfills me and feeds my soul. My left side of the brain says "do it, sooth yourself" my right side of the brain says "Don't do it, focus on your goal". Im literally crying as I am typing these embarrassing information. It feels like it's my only way of coping without actively getting into trouble. Drugs, spending, sex and smoking is definitely not an option for me because I dread destroying myself from the outside. I didn't realize how much of a drug food was to me emotionally. When you give up food, it's like you give up a best friend who always is physically available to make you feel good, calm and relaxed. You feel physically loved in a sense. I shouldn't spend my last 2 hrs at night on YouTube shorts scrolling, If I do, I come across food videos and these delicious recipes and it triggers my late night cravings. I need to sacrifice the one thing I had for years so I could gain the things the I dreamed of for my future. The Journey is tough, stay consistent, break down and cry but don't give up. Yes, you are making sacrifices for a better future. U are not perfect. U need a lot of work done. Fix urself. Self-improvement is hard.

[thewomanintheshadow]

My biggest obstacle in life

I have to confess I have a problem. I don't know if it's a lack of discipline or just a compulsive behaviour that I can't control it but it's a big problem for me. It's like a cycle and even though sometimes I manage to fight it, other times I just give in to it.....Mental Cravings. I have been binge eating for the past 17 years of my life.

Growing up, I had a very loving mother who cooked delicious food for the whole family. The last memories I have of being skinny was when I was about 5-6 years old. I remember afterwards, I started gaining wait consistently.

Weight has always been discussed in my family and even from a very young age everybody would comment on how perfect I was in every way except when it came to my body weight. My mom had issues with her pregnancies when she was younger and after her last pregnancy she gained a massive amount of weight. I knew that she was struggling and it did affect her confidence since she used to be very beautify and quite the skinny looking model in her early 20s before she started having children. However, after gaining weight, I feel like she lost the confidence she used to have and to an extent she projected that on to me. My mother consistently reminded me of how awful it is to be fat and that it's very important for a girl to be thin because that way you are the most beautiful and the most successful woman. I mean.....even till this day I do agree with her and she was always right but at the time hearing her say that consistently was so annoying. She would consistently compare me to my skinny cousins or celebrities or actresses in American movies and would make comments such as "you are so much beautiful than them, they are only pretty because they are skinny".

Food had always been an issue for me since the beginning of my teenage hood and as far as I can remember I have laid on my pillow every night and thought about how I was gonna wake up and "go on a diet" the next day. Back in the early 2000s, the skinny models on Tv were the ideal beauty goddesses. Sometimes, these beautiful models and actresses were interviewed on their diet and would make comments such as "I only eat salads" or "I only eat one banana till the evening" or "I diet until I have lost all the weight". My mom would hear these and would look at me and say "see, these people don't eat as much, thats why they are so skinny". My father was the worst because he would consistently make comments about my body and how I should be eating less or lose weight. I always knew that they were just trying to help me but I think that was the beginning of my yoyo dieting journey.

Yoyo dieting started for me at an early stage of life. I would watch these beautiful girls in the movies such as Kristen Stewarts and Nina Dobrev and just fantasize about having their bodies. I would actually fantasize and visualize looking like a girl who had an hour glass figure and long straight blow-blowdryed soft hair. My hair was black, short and curly and I did not appreciate it. That was also the beginning of social media when my dad brought a laptop home and introduced me to the world of internet back in early 2010s. I quickly became introduced to the world of YouTube and started searching for videos such as "How to lose weight fast" to see if I could find a solution to my big problem. Deep down I was so tired and frustrated and just hated my body. I noticed from a very young age that my hips was much wider than the typically beautiful hour glass figure. Later I found out that I had an apple shaped figure.

Eventually after years of yoyo dieting, occasionally going to bed hungry not having dinner because "feeling full = feeling fatness" I developed a bigger problem with food and my habits in general. When I started exercising, I developed a huge unrealistic expectation that I was going to become skinning just within a matter of 2 months. Spoiler alert! it did not work like that. Even though I was exercising, I was still eating high calorie foods that where not "processed" or "fast food" but still did not help me lose weight. I became more and more frustrated and more desperate with time. I would concisely diet for weeks, and then binge eat and fall into my previous habits. This habits carried on for years. I thinking the last time I was 55 kgs was when I was in fourth grade where I was disgusting weight with a girl my age and she said "I weight 45 kgs " and I said "me too". Later I found out that I actually weighed 10 kilos extra than what she weighed. I started losing more and more confidence and I need that affected my ability to connect with people or having any true socializing skills. I hid myself in my room and started watching YouTube videos as my form of coping mechanism. I didn't even want to study anymore because I lost all motivation. I was also living in country/city at that time where if I wanted to go to the park, my mom had to drive 40 minutes until we reached the park. I could not even go outside and play by myself in the streets because it was not appropriate for a girl nor was it safe. If I wanted to go jogging outside, cars would actually stop and people would harass/talk to you. So....my life became YouTube. My screen time increased and I spent hours on my desk trying to fantasize about a world I did not have access to at the time.

[thewomanintheshadow]

I feel good today. I had a good day and Im calm. I also poured my heart out to my friend. We laughed, made jokes and talked shit about life and each other. Hopefully tmr will also be a good day.

[thewomanintheshadow]

Tumblr, you are the only place where I can express how I feel without getting judged. I dont want to sound very depressive or negative but it's hard. I feel very lonely and empty inside. My family is away from me. I dont have a lot of friends. I am not in relationship because I dont believe in hookup culture and I am most definitely not stable in my job yet. I crave freedom. I crave stability. I crave to be in a big city, own a car and go out. I crave wearing high quality clothes, dine with my friends and get an amazing social networking. I feel like im missing out and it's so mentally exhausting. I don't even have my driver's licence yet and it's so frustrating to get places. I desperately want my driver's license. I just home I can get it soon. I go out and have to tolerate the presence of an ugly Shrek looking man who have been nothing but nice to me, because right now I rely on him to take me places and help me practice driving. I don't feel comfortable being at his presence. I want to be independent and cant do that until I have my license. God help me so I never feel desperate enough so I have to be forced to tolerate the presence of an ugly incel who gives me physical icks. He tried to play lovers and sometimes takes me out but honestly I just play dumb and count the days until my license is in my hands. I just hope I pass it this time. I dont think im a horrible person for feeling like this because he had intentions on me in the first place and Im just turning the game and putting it right back at his face. He would enter me if he could. Why should I care for him even. He is in it for himself as much as I am here in it for myself. The only thing is, I cant physically stand him cuz his just so ugly and his presence is so annoying to me. I pray that I can get away at some point and never have to see him again.

[thewomanintheshadow]

I don't speak to people much. Mainly because people in this culture don't have much to say or at least pretend they don't have much to say back. Canada is a very strange country. When you say "Hi" "How are you" just remember they only respond back to be "polite" or "nice". They never continue the conversation with you. If you say "How is it going" they say "good" and don't speak back unless you talk to them. Sometimes the conversation feels like an interrogation where you have to ask questions and they answer back to be polite but never engage back. Every human interaction in this culture is very surface level. You don't open up to people period. Most of them don't want you to even to speak to them by the looks of it. It feels lonely and empty.

[thewomanintheshadow]

The beginning

This is officially my first post on Tumblr. I lie on my bed, stare at my window and see the dark night. I am feeling down again. All the negativities of the world is rushing towards me like a race. I feel empty and I am scared. It's seems like all of those "motivational" short clips that I saw on YouTube today erased from my mind. I have lost motivation. I hope it's going to better tomorrow morning. I should pray.