thiefofcrows

[thiefofcrows]

      THIEFOFCROWS — a highly selective, private and mutuals only portrayal of KAZ BREKKER, from the Grishaverse written by Leigh Bardugo . 21+ folks only, minors will be soft blocked. Primarily book based by default, but I have show-centric verses as well. Otherwise, there's various modern, historical and fantasy-focused verses, such as Peaky Blinders, TFOTA and more! LOW TO MEDIUM ACTIVITY. Multi-para and/or novella focused. My name’s Mars, pronouns are he/him, 25+. This blog contains very mature themes, which I will do my best to tag accordingly.        Such themes include, but are not limited to: torture, violence, gore, mentions of various kinds of abuse, underage sex work, underage rape, slavery, genocide and detailed descriptions of decomposing corpses. INTERACT AT YOUR OWN DISCRECION.        I AM LOCKED INTO THE BETA EDITOR AND I UTILIZE TRIM REBLOGS.        Purity / callout culture is not welcome here, period. This is meant to be a safe space to unwind and escape real life. Fictional characters are not real. Fiction is not real. Fiction =/= reality.        PLEASE READ THROUGH THE CARRD BEFORE APPROACHING.

                 Partnered with @feilien Highly affiliated with @alreadybrcken

               TRACKING: # thiefofcrows CARRD | PROMPTS / MEMES| PROMO other blog(s): @huyaoxiaozi

[thiefofcrows]

This blog lives once again!! The new one I nixed, so this is where Kaz will be for the foreseeable future ... assuming nothing like that happens again, please God lmfao. Probably still gonna be a little while till I come back here to write more regularly, as I'm feeling my oc @huyaoxiaozi the most right now. Thanks for sticking with me friends ❤︎

[thiefofcrows]

Chapter 30 in Crooked Kingdom is more or less A Christmas Carol: an analysis nobody asked for

When asked in an interview what kind of challenges is Kaz would be dealing with in Crooked Kingdom, Leigh Bardugo explained, “I think this is the moment when Kaz is deciding who he is going to be. Because his life has been all about revenge, and one of the questions that Inej poses to him is not really about his attachment to her. It’s about, what comes after that?” This got me thinking about how Kaz’s character arc oddly resembles some other well known stories, particularly Charle’s Dicken’s A Christmas Carol, and this comparison is seen most clearly in chapter 30 in Crooked Kingdom. Like Scrooge in Dicken’s novel, Kaz spends the chapter evaluating his past, present, and future leading him to question for the first time, just as Leigh describes, what happens next?

The comparisons with the ghosts in Dicken’s story begins around page 413 when Kaz, Nina, and Inej get to the morgue. When they enter the scene turns into a flashback to when Kaz first started wearing his gloves and how they’ve helped him until he met Imogen. Those of you who’ve read the book or have seen a faithful adaption know that in A Christmas Carol, Scrooge had a fiance named Belle who left him after his love for money outgrew his love for her. Similarly, Imogen was a girl Kaz had a crush on, and from her flirtatious manners it was clear she shared his feelings. Kaz felt the only way he could be in a relationship with Imogen was to first overcome his touch aversion, but after some painful trial and error he learns that his PTSD does not go away on self determination alone. The results are shown in the last paragraph of the flashback scene: “At the ring, the next time Imogen laid her fingers on his sleeve, Kaz held her gaze until that close-mouth smile slipped. She dropped her hand. She looked away. Kaz went back to counting the money” (page 417). From his dismissal of her actions to the focus on money in the last sentence, it’s implied that from here on out that Kaz abandoned the idea of trying to have a relationship with anyone in favor of building his empire of revenge. Like younger-Scrooge, younger-Kaz allowed his relationships to deteriorate in place of a different ideology that leaves him increasingly isolated from others. 

Then moving onto the next phase, I’d argue the most fitting scene for the ghost of Christmas present in the chapter is the one between Kaz and Jesper in the Guildrenner Suite hallway. In Dicken’s story, Scrooge watches the Cratchit family in the present, and they’re presented as an opportunity for Scrooge to begin empathizing with others and go back on his curmudgeonly ways. In a similar sense, Kaz could continue pushing everyone away from him, but in that scene in the hallway he admits to Jesper and probably himself that he cares about him, (in his indirect Kaz-ish way of course). I want to note again, the Imogen scene is a flashback, the past, and this scene with Jesper in the present.

The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is where the comparison between stories is the strongest.  Kaz and Nina are looking around the morgue for a body when Nina identifies one with the right date of death. Kaz pulls it out and after a few moments of silence Nina says, “I wonder how he died”. Kaz’s responds with “Alone”. That one word is incredibly loaded. When Kaz and Nina are studying the body Kaz observes that it took so long for the man’s body to be found by other people that animals had began eating at his fingers. The question Nina asked really was “what caused the man’s death?”. The question Kaz was asking was “what state was the man was in when he died?” because in his mind, Kaz isn’t viewing some random man’s body. He’s looking at his own. In Dicken’s story, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come shows Scrooge his future grave and implies that if Scrooge doesn’t change his ways he’ll die alone. There’s no one at his funeral to mourn him (cough cough), only robbers delightfully going through the possessions and money Scrooge obsessed over during his life. Similarly, Kaz avoids attachments because he obsesses over revenge and the vulnerability relationships bring, but Kaz is finally forced to ask himself in this scene, is that sort of life worth living? Like Dicken’s characters, Kaz realizes that if he keeps living his life this way, that’s how he’ll end up dying. Just like the man at the morgue. Alone.

(edit) alrighty so this is OP from the future coming in to edit with some details I left out the first time that I feel strengthen the similarities to the two stories: 

~For one, the ghosts come to Scrooge when he goes to sleep, and as I argued in this more recent post, I think there’s a connection between when Kaz is avoiding sleep and when Kaz is avoiding his relationships/feelings. To sum it up, there are more similarities to sleep and relationships than I think we tend to think about. Like, you physically need rest to survive, and throughout the book Kaz mentions putting off sleep in order to focus on what he considers to be more “important”, their revenge on Van Eck/Rollins. Similarly, people need relationships and social bonds of some sort to live. Literally there are studies showing that babies and children who are fed/housed/cleaned but not given attention and love die, and adults who don’t have communities or social networks to rely on for emotional support experience more stress and health problems than those who do. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Inej, who expresses emotions and creates friendships, has less trouble handling her trauma than Kaz does. So anyway, over the course of the book, Kaz has been trying to ignore his growing attachments to his friends, but after waking up alone in his hotel room he spends most of the chapter being introspective and analyzing everything I said above.

~ So A Christmas Carol ends with Scrooge as a changed man who is suddenly charitable and nice to people, and while I don’t think Kaz’s realization is as sudden or outwardly dramatic, I think it’s still similar. I don’t know about you, but I interpret the ending scene between him and Inej on the docks as being a signal that he’s thought harder about this in the time since and wants to prioritize his relationships/friendships more so than before. 

[thiefofcrows]

       ❝The deal is the deal,❞ Kaz rasped, as if sealing a business deal —but it was clearly an attempt to tease him. That small upward quirk of lips remained, but despite his best efforts, his heart was pounding away in his chest. Yuki's fingers in his hair lured him in and he was overwhelmed once more with want, but it was that same all encompassing want when Kaz had seen him after finally settling the score for the Ice Court Job.

       In this case, they hadn't been apart for long, but the consistent terror of potential loss and the painful, nagging pull at his chest until Yuki was no longer standing at deaths door ... it made him feel almost ravenous for their closeness.

       It was still new for them and there were many things that Kaz still had no experience in, but ... the desire and the curiosity had been relentless since they'd kissed that first time. The relenting warmth of Yuki's mouth, the feeling of his breath grazing Kaz's with a sigh ... there was a chance he'd sought out ... information on how exactly to proceed, but he wouldn't dare admit to any of it out loud.

       Kaz tipped his head forward, nudging closer — and really, all he'd done was think about wanting to kiss Yuki, wanting to ask if he could, and he was already receiving an answer without having to say a word. Yuki's response nearly mirrored Kaz's own unrelenting desire. The magnetic pull he felt between them then drew him in like a moth to a flame.

       Their lips met and electricity crackled through him in a low, steady hum. Kaz kept things shallow at first, as he couldn't seem to stifle his fluttering nerves and uncertainty. It was something he was not used to feeling — but, before the inevitable twinge of embarrassment could follow, he felt Yuki's encouragement wash over him. Kaz could pick nearly any lock and he'd put together the plans that had gotten his crew in and out of the most impenetrable prison in the world. He could damn well figure this out.

       It was undoubtedly a little clumsy at first when he'd sought to deepen things, but ... just like with nearly everything he'd ever tried to learn, Kaz was a quick study. Having a direct link to how what he was doing made Yuki feel made things considerably easier — and more difficult at the same time. His reactions were distracting, as every tiny detail sent a pulse of desire through him. It set him ablaze and made him want to take Yuki apart, piece by piece ... but it would be a long while until Kaz could manage any of that.

       Instead, he would have to imbue that desire into each kiss and that was something he could do. Now that he could ease the need to think about it from such a technical standpoint, all Kaz could think about was him. The taste and feel of him, the way his breath shifted and changed, the fact that Yuki was here and alive, how his pulse thrummed intensely against Kaz's fingers at his wrist.

       Distantly, he was incredibly glad he'd locked the door and he was fully content to ignore everyone on the other side for a long while.

He couldn't stop the guilt from colliding with him even if he tried. It was hard and unforgiving, hard enough to crack his ribs. Of course their connection caused pain for Kaz, too. Of course that tearing feeling, the very same that Yuki felt anytime he took a life, would transfer over. What was he thinking?

Yuki looked down, his frown deep. No amount of apologies would make up for what he'd put Kaz through, the worst pain of his life. Nothing would make up for his recklessness. He hadn't been thinking about anyone but himself, his family. Not even Saki. So caught up doing right by the dead, he forgot the importance of doing right by the one who mattered most -- alive and well.

You truly do have the power to destroy me, and it's terrifying.

The memory of his first kill played in Yuki's mind. He'd been gasping for air, barely holding himself up on the brick wall, the knife dripping red onto the concrete. He'd felt something deep within him torn away, bloody and raw. He'd thrown up over and over, tears streaming down his cheeks. That wretched tearing had stayed with him for months. Shame coursed through his body. Was that what Kaz had felt, but worse?

Just as it was starting to be too much, just as the waters of his dread and fear and guilt started to rise into his throat, Kaz pulled him closer, pressing their foreheads together. Yuki's eyes slipped closed. He touched Kaz's clothed shoulder, using it to give him warning, waiting until that initial shock passed before cupping his cheek.

Soon, a gentle wave of desire, longing, love washed over him, and he felt himself relax as he clung to it, like a lifeline in these depthless waters. Kaz wasn't angry, he didn't blame Yuki. Compared to Kaz's forgiveness, Yuki's shame seemed disproportionate. And it was with this thought that the tension bled from him. With the warmth in Kaz's words returned Yuki's smile.

Slowly, giving Kaz plenty of time to anticipate it, Yuki's fingers slid into his hair. He didn't want to think about his brush with death, he didn't want to think about Isen, he didn't want to think about what it felt like to bleed out on a sidewalk, forced to resign himself to the knowledge that he'd never feel this soothing touch again. He wanted to be here with Kaz, breathing him in -- ink and paper, a warm, earthy scent, combined to smell like home.

"Deal."

[thiefofcrows]

I think it's in our best interest to keep our tethered souls in tact. Deal?

For @thiefofcrows

[thiefofcrows]

       Kaz let Yuki's arm go easily when he moved to sit up, but he couldn't help the instant coil of tension that wound throughout his body. Now you're the one wringing your hands like a nurse maid, he thought, willing himself to let out a wavering breath, letting the tension and worry go. Yuki knew his body's limitations and there was no reason currently why he would try to push past them. He met the other's gaze steadily and he offered a simple incline of his head with the apology.

       ❝I'm not interested in wasting time being angry, not as long as you don't let it happen again.❞ Kaz rasped — and it was clear through their connection that he spoke the truth. There were many things that he was feeling; another swell of relief with Yuki's response, still those undercurrents of fear, love, longing ... but there wasn't even a trace of anger. Kaz had already known that Yuki wouldn't have doubled down on his decision, that he wouldn't try to argue that he hadn't been reckless. If he was the type of person to do so, then Kaz would've been, frustrated, angry, but ... Yuki wasn't.

       ❝After it happened,❞ he went on to say, letting his eyes drift downward. His voice was quiet between them, almost as if he were sharing some kind of secret ... and, in a way, he was. ❝It felt like ... our souls were fused together, because of this,❞ Kaz gestured between them, clearly meaning their near telepathic connection. ❝And yours was slowly being severed — no, torn from mine. I know death and pain intimately, but ... I've never felt anything as terrible as that. ❞

       Before the Ice Court job, he would have kept this new found pain and fear hidden. He would have refused to admit it existed to anyone, maybe even himself. This tether between them and what it could mean if it were severed was Kaz's worst nightmare. The loss of Jordie had been visceral enough, but this ... this could destroy him. It would.

       ❝You truly do have the power to destroy me and ... it's terrifying.❞ It felt like this was by far the most intimate truth Kaz had ever managed to speak aloud and the wounded thing inside him desperately wanted to flee, to close himself off, to fend off any attempts to reach him. The instinctual terror was overwhelming, but he fought against it, fought to remain here, to let Yuki see him.

       It was difficult, but Kaz's will was stronger.

       With Yuki seated on the bed, he was on slightly higher ground than Kaz, who was seated in a chair. Nonetheless, he willed himself to reach out, his fingers carefully curling into Yuki's shirt before he gently guided him in closer. Kaz leaned in, but stopped at their foreheads touching. The closeness, the contact, stirred the usual jagged sensation, but it was brief, not as strong as it used to be. As it ebbed away, feelings he wanted to feel, that he wanted Yuki to feel emerged; love, desire, longing, devotion.

       Kaz let out a slow, quiet sigh ... and then that soft crooked smile returned, albeit it was faint this time. ❝That being said ... assuming you'd feel the same thing if our situations were reversed, I think it's in our best interest to keep our tethered souls in tact.❞ His rock-salt rasp had the soft, vulnerable tenderness and warmth that he reserved for the man before him — the man Kaz had no doubt he was deeply in love with, despite all of his fears. ❝Deal? ❞

Isen. Any smile Kaz may have drawn from Yuki faded into a frown. He felt that tendril of rage snake out and touch his core -- after all, it was one Yuki knew intimately. But as Kaz went on, shock took over Yuki's face. Properly afraid with a permanent injury. Images of Raito came to mind, as he'd hobbled toward Yuki in his cowardice, having waited until Kaz was gone to attack. Just like last time, Kaz had enough respect for Yuki to give him the killing blow -- and cared enough to help him do it. It made Yuki's heart twist in a way he wasn't used to, a good way. Strange, when they were talking about murder.

In Kaz's eyes he saw the pain, the fear, protectiveness that he'd felt upon waking. Though Yuki wanted to look away, he didn't. He deserved this. The agony he saw in those eyes, that he felt like a punch to the gut, told him he didn't have the luxury of doing so. He'd almost destroyed everything in the name of saving Saki -- but the truth was, he wanted his revenge. The truth was, he didn't think clearly when it came to Isen, and he'd walked right into his trap. He'd nearly left Kaz alone...again.

You're not alone in this fight anymore. Now, his eyes burned.

Every excuse died on his tongue. It sounded like something he would tell Kaz, like something he'd tell any of the people he cared about. So what made Yuki the exception? He wasn't the only one with a monster. He wasn't the only one out for blood. For a moment, he did look down, finding those long fingers still on his pulse point.

It took a bit more effort than he'd like to admit just to sit up, but the pain was minimal. More like a tightness in his chest than anything. Yuki resisted the urge to touch what he was sure would make an ugly scar there, shifting his legs off the bed so he could face Kaz directly. And with a breath, his gaze lifted.

"I'm sorry, Kaz," he repeated the same thought would've been his last, if not for the man before him. Just as pained, just as sincere as when he'd been at death's doorstep. "I should've told you. I didn't mean to..."

He trailed off, letting the sentence capture every other mistake Yuki had made.

"You have every right to be mad."

[thiefofcrows]

THE BOSS | @threebreaths - an independent, selective blog for Isen Reiou, a fandomless original character. A ruthless villain with a hunger for power, a penchant for violence, and a strange desire to abandon his flight toward the sun — given the right circumstances. Original lore-based world, mature themes present (such as torture, murder, gore, etc). Written by Lily. Paired with @soulfulempathy

[thiefofcrows]

       Of course the first thing Yuki would be worried about upon waking from nearly dying was if Kaz was okay. He couldn't resist the small, crooked smile that tugged at one side of his mouth, dark brows lifting with emphasis.

       ❝One of us almost died from a bullet wound and it wasn't me, Yuki,❞ Kaz rasped, his tone containing a light teasing undercurrent — it was partially an attempt to distract from the lingering fear that still gripped him tightly. He took a steadying breath, trying to focus on tapering back the strength of his emotions. It wasn't an attempt to hide anything, not anymore, but ... Yuki had his own emotions to feel and he certainly didn't need to drown in Kaz's, too. ❝Don't worry — I don't have a scratch on me, but ... I can't say the same for Isen. ❞

       The rage inside of him stirred as Kaz spoke the man's name aloud, but he did his best to swallow it down. He dropped his gaze, tracking the movement of his own fingers against Yuki's wrist as he spoke. ❝We do have a lot to discuss, but it can wait. Right now, all you need to know is that he is still alive, but I scared him off. He is properly afraid now and he has a permanent injury we can use to our advantage. People are saying I killed him and, for now, it's fine for them to believe that — but you should know that I didn't. His death belongs to you.❞

       But if he'd succeeded in killing you, I would have torn him limb from limb, Kaz thought, but didn't say.

       He then lifted his gaze, seeking Yuki's. His dark eyes still contained that warmth that only Yuki seemed to draw out of him. However, a stern intensity clearly simmered underneath. ❝We shouldn't have to worry about him coming after you directly again, but even if he does ... you can't do this again. You're not alone in this fight anymore.❞ Losing you is not an option. Kaz didn't say it, but he didn't have to; his eyes, the remnants of his emotions all said it for him, loud and clear.

All this time, Yuki expected to feel a gunshot in slow motion. He couldn't have been more wrong.

In an instant there was pain, blood gushing from his chest, streaking down his chin. It soaked his clothes and pooled onto the cement. And once Isen released him, Yuki's knees hit the ground, the rest of his body following suit.

He knew what death felt like. He knew the fear it caused in everyone, regardless of their strength. He knew the sting in his eyes that mirrored every victim he'd sent to the afterlife, and the thought that came through as such visceral, gutting emotion. I don't want to die.

Yuki's body was growing weaker with each shallow, wet breath. And he might've given in, if his mind hadn't joined with another, painfully familiar aura. The only one that mattered, and the only one he didn't want to witness this. Yuki closed his eyes and found he couldn't open them again. He'd promised. He'd promised.

I'm sorry, he thought as the claws of darkness buried into him and dragged him down.

I'm sorry, Kaz.

Yuki stirred. He willed his body to move, willed his eyes to open, until he finally blinked awake. He was in a small room with a smooth, painted ceiling, the evening sun losing the war with a soft yellow light. This didn't look like an afterlife.

Emotions rolled in like a fog, leaving him hazy. Relief, so strong it knocked the wind out of him. Guilt, protectiveness, fear, hope, relief, relief, relief.

His hand twitched and his gaze fell on the two slender fingers pressing against his pulse point. From there, he met a pair of impossibly dark eyes, lined with circles that resembled bruises, stark against his pale skin.

"Kaz?" The name tore through his throat. Kaz was here, alive. Whatever had happened, Isen hadn't won. Isen hadn't won.

When he swallowed, Yuki tasted what remained of the blood, and he was reminded of their reunion a lifetime ago, on a street not far from where he'd almost met his end. His mind raced and his eyes stung and he wanted to wrap his arms around his boyfriend and never let go. But his body wouldn't obey. All he could do was take a breath and ask the loudest of the questions clamoring to the front of his mind.

"You're okay?"

[thiefofcrows]

Stephanie Foo, What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

[thiefofcrows]

       ❝Good,❞ sneered Kaz and, after tucking the gun away, he finally released Isen's bleeding wrist none too gently. From his coat pocket, he pulled out a handkerchief, using it to wipe the blood from his gloved fingers, as if it were nothing but an inconvenient mess. ❝So glad we could have this chat. Now, get the hell out of my sight. You've got a lot of ground to cover.❞ The handkerchief too seemed to disappear from his hands, even though they were visibly shaking.

       Despite the very slow increase of the tearing pain in his very core, and how the panic seemed to be radiating from every inch of his body, Kaz did not move until Isen dragged himself up off the ground and retreated, like a dog with his tail between its legs.

       Only then did he allow himself to rush to Yuki's side, panic surging in painful bursts, only easing slightly at the sight of his shallow breathing. He bundled Yuki into his arms, awkwardly tucking his cane into the crook of his right elbow, and lifted. His bad leg screamed its protest and, along with the unyielding tearing sensation, Kaz was nearly dizzy and sweating with pain — but it didn't matter. If he didn't force himself to move, Yuki would be dead soon and that was not an option. He had no other choice but to grit his teeth and endure it.

       He made it back to the Slat as fast as his body would allow him to push and, once Yuki was lain down in his own bed, Kaz contracted the healer he called upon now, since Nina was no longer here. He was demanding and had no interest in hearing any other answer but haste agreement — and once he got there, Kaz was able to hover this time without being shooed out.

       He knew his presence made no difference, not really, but if he turned his eyes away, all Kaz could see was Jordie's silhouette as he lay on the cold, hard ground, his eyes dull and empty, staring up at the sky. All he could feel was the childlike terror of being left all alone in this world, the thought he'd had then at nine years old, delirious with fever and hunger circling relentlessly in his head.

       Please don't leave me.

       Only once Yuki was stable, and once Kaz could feel the beat of his heart did he leave briefly to change out of blood soaked clothes. It took two and a half days until Yuki finally stirred. Kaz was seated in a chair close to the bed, his bare fingers smoothing over the other's inner wrist rhythmically. The steady thrum of Yuki's pulse was the only thing that eased his anxiety — that as well as the horrible tearing sensation at the core of his very soul gradually receding.

       Had Kaz been feeling how close to death Yuki had come through their connection? Were their souls so entwined that losing the other would feel like something being physically ripped from their very core? It was a terrifying thought and all he knew was that he never wanted to feel it again. Kaz had thought he'd been close enough to death to feel its presence, but ... this had been so much worse.

       The slightest movement and his eyes snapped up — at the sight of Yuki's eyes fluttering open, Kaz felt his relief crash through him like a tidal wave, his breath catching in his throat. He tried to reign in his emotions, to avoid flooding Yuki with them the second he woke up, but ... it was difficult.

At the end of the alley, the demon stood.

His eyes were inhuman, his body shook with tremors of rage. It'd been years since Isen had felt this pounding of his heart, the dryness of his mouth. Fear formed a rope around his neck and choked him. Kaz Brekker descended on him with an unnatural swiftness, and for the first time since he was a boy training with his father, Isen hesitated.

It happened in quick succession. The gun clattered to the ground, the glint of a knife came from Kaz's sleeve, and before Isen could so much as draw a breath, that blade sliced through skin and muscle with unflinching, ruthless precision. Whatever composure Isen held onto vanished as Kaz dug his fingers into the gushing wound. A cry was torn from Isen's throat. His knees hit the pavement, threatened to draw more blood. And he panted, looking up at Kaz from a position he swore he'd never be in. Defeat.

Kaz picked up the gun and cocked it. Isen's rage did not come to the rescue now. And when he spoke, every word buried itself in Isen's skin like shards of glass.

Gone was the boy and the king had emerged.

He wasn't foolish enough to look at Yuki, lying in a pool of blood on the pavement. Yuki, who had finally gotten what he'd wished -- who had finally been Isen's downfall. Because there was a sliver of mercy in Kaz's eyes, and it was disappearing fast. He knew this would be his final resting place if he gave any answer except the one Kaz wanted. Shame twisted his stomach as blood soaked Isen's sleeve, dripping onto the sidewalk in a stream of sickly, crimson red.

"...Yes. I understand."

[thiefofcrows]

      Kaz had come as fast as he could. It wasn't difficult to discern the message or who it was from; barely anyone had his real number and that had always been by design. Very few still had the means to find it. All the text message had provided was an address and a simple don't keep him waiting. He hadn't needed anything else.

       Even so, it had been too late.

       He heard the gunshot and he watched Yuki fall. Isen locked eyes with him and Kaz felt a foreign tearing pain at the very core of him. It was physical, but not at the same time — it felt like something was slowly, painfully being ripped from his very soul. It was a pain he had never known and his physical reaction, he could only liken it to the severe panic attacks he'd suffered while trying to brute force through his touch aversion. He felt the cold sweat, the way his entire body began to tremble, the rising panic. The only difference was the lack of flashes, the water, the decay ... and, while there was fear, his unbridled rage was much, much louder.

       Again, Kaz felt that frayed and raw sensation he'd experienced the weeks after Jordie's death, then again after Inej had nearly died. He felt the exact moment when something inside of him shook loose and evidently, Isen had glimpsed it, too — the terror he saw flash in his eyes was so satisfying that Kaz wanted nothing more than to quantify it ten fold. Whatever he'd seen had made Isen hesitate and Kaz wasted no time as he advanced on him, keeping a close eye on that gun lest he find his way back to himself soon enough to try to shoot.

       When Kaz aimed to grasp Isen's wrist, it was far too fast for him to catch — like the magician's coin, there and then gone. He didn't stop at the sharp, vicious twist that forced Isen's hand to open, the gun falling to the ground with a clatter. Kaz's other hand darted out and, one moment it was empty, the next he was holding a small oyster shucking knife, shifting his hold to find his aim. Then, with quick, calculated precision, he sliced at the tendons in Isen's wrist.

       The blade in his hand seemed to vanish into thin air and again, Kaz shifted his hold — but this time, it was to dig leather clad fingers deep into fresh wounds while he twisted once more. His chin tilted upward as he watched, almost detached as Isen writhed in his grasp, savoring the pained cry that Kaz had pried from his throat. The other man's knees buckled and, only when he was kneeling did Kaz offer some slight reprieve from the vicious way his fingers dug into Isen's severed tendons.

       He knelt himself to retrieve the gun he'd forced out of Isen's hand, still maintaining his grip on the other's bleeding wrist. Then he stood, cocked it one handed and then pressed the barrel against the side of Isen's head. He wasn't going to shoot, but Isen didn't know that yet. ❝The only thing that's stopping me from shoving the barrel of this gun into your fucking mouth and pulling the trigger is Yuki,❞ he conceded. The rough rasp of Kaz's voice had a detached, cold undercurrent, any hint of humor, camaraderie, respect ... all of it was completely, terrifyingly absent. Dirtyhands was all that was left now, unhinged and out for blood.

       ❝If he dies, Isen, there will be no one to stop me — and I'll make you beg and plead for death long before I put you out of your misery.❞ Kaz let his words linger, waiting for them to sink in for a moment. Then, he flipped the safety back on and lowered the gun to his side. However, again he dug his fingers even harder into Isen's bleeding flesh, his upper lip curling with barely tethered rage.

       ❝You have until dawn to get out of my city. I will have people watching the outskirts and if we find you ...❞ he slowly shook his head. ❝By then, I won't have any mercy left. Maybe those terms will be a little easier for you to keep to this time. Do we understand each other now? ❞

@thiefofcrows

It was almost laughable, how easy it was to lure Yuki exactly where he wanted him. All he'd had to do was write a small, unsigned note. One of his men planted it two hours ago, inside a certain bedroom of the Slat. Just like that, he'd secured a meeting with Yuki Hashikawa a few streets away from The Crow Club, a secluded area on Kaz Brekker's territory. Alone.

Yuki paced anxiously, the crumpled note in his hands. He stopped dead in his tracks as Isen approached, without that witch in tow.

"Where is she?" Yuki demanded, and Isen tsked.

"You'll see her soon. Remember who's in charge here, boy."

Yuki flinched and something flashed in his eyes, gone half a second later. The reaction seemed disproportionate. Almost like that phrase had brought him somewhere else, to a different time. Isen came to a stop in front of him.

"What do you want?" Yuki said through clenched teeth, but Isen could see the barest way he trembled, like he was still that eight year old boy trapped in the shambles of his family's car. Yuki may look older, but for all his progress, it seemed nothing had changed. A shame, really.

"I want Kaz Brekker."

Absurd and he knew it, he had to commend Yuki for laughing when he was clearly terrified.

"Try again," Yuki ground out.

"Perhaps the Demon will tolerate your defiance, but I won't." Isen pressed the muzzle of his gun against Yuki's chest, just an inch to the right of his heart. What remained of Yuki's smile disappeared.

"If you ever want to see your mentor again, then you will bring me Kaz Brekker."

"I won't," Yuki snapped. "You know I won't. What's your angle, Isen?"

Isen almost smiled. Maybe something had changed. He made a show of checking his watch, meeting Yuki's gaze once more. Now there was confusion in the boy's eyes, glancing from Isen's watch to his face quickly. Any minute now.

"My angle?"

Fear sparked in Yuki's eyes as he tried to take a step back, his hand flying out to grab Isen's wrist and twist, but Isen grabbed his throat and slammed him back against the brick wall. No glance to his watch was necessary. Akuma was here.

Bang.

[thiefofcrows]

       Kaz felt Yuki's struggle to subdue his own panic, the guilt that twisted inside him and the tinge of shame for feeling it when it had been Kaz who had nearly drowned in panic himself. While it wasn't much in the grand scheme of things, he did attempt to offer something soothing through their connection and he caressed the back of Yuki's hand with his thumb once more. They were both learning, trying to figure out how to have this with one another when it was something softer, safer than either of them had ever known. Kaz had never attempted to work through his touch aversion in this way — trusting someone else with this much of his vulnerability, his weakness, had been nearly impossible to fathom.

       He was figuring out what helped and what did not just as much as Yuki was.

       ❝Heartbeat,❞ Kaz began, his tone indicating that he knew Yuki was aware of that one already. ❝Hearing your voice — sometimes, I might just need you to keep talking. Reminders that you're alive, like ... hearing you breathe, feeling your body heat.❞ He paused and a faint smile curled at the left side of his mouth. ❝Kissing you definitely reminds me that you're alive, surprisingly.❞ Again, he lifted his free hand to brush the backs of his knuckles against Yuki's cheek, his eyes tracking the movement.

       ❝I'm sure there will be times I won't be able to stop it in time ... but that won't be your fault. If I try to explain why right now, it will drown me and ... I don't want to ruin this. I will tell you, just ... not yet.❞ Just like Yuki had done, it was as much of a reassurance as it was a promise.

       Then, there was a loud knock at his office door.

      Kaz had known, sooner or later, that someone would come knocking on his office door. Even so, he felt the twinge of annoyance, the reluctance to part — but he had to, despite it all, and a long sigh escaped him. He pulled back slightly, but only so he could move his hand to curl his first two fingers beneath Yuki's chin, urging him to lift it. Kaz's dark eyes were nearly black with their intensity; despite the dark, however, warmth still resided there. A warm fire burning to chase away the chill the dark brought in its wake. Between them, he felt another burst of hazy heat from Yuki — and it didn't take long to surmise that it had come from Kaz's simple decision to lift the other's chin. Interesting. He filed that information away for later.

       He briefly held Yuki's gaze as he leaned in slowly, once again giving him time and room to pull back or stop him, if he wanted to. Yuki did not pull away; he felt the familiar flutter of excitement, that undercurrent of warm desire. It simply lured Kaz in like a moth to flame and his eyes drifted to Yuki's mouth before fluttering closed. It was almost a relief when their lips met again and he kissed him with a heavy intensity, the emotion swelling through their connection — one last kiss to help him survive their inevitable time apart.

       Kaz's mind sharpened, intending to memorize every tiny detail; the emotions that bled out from Yuki, the feeling of his soft, plush lips against his own, the way he leaned into him, pulled him closer.  There was a moment in-between where Yuki parted his lips to breathe and electricity crackled through Kaz in a way he didn't quite understand. Distantly, he heard the knock on the door again, more insistent this time and, with a reluctant sigh, he pulled away completely. Kaz missed their closeness instantly and it was only then that he really did understand how bad his touch starvation was.

       It was a massive trench with no bottom, depthless and hungry. Kaz took a steadying breath and limped over to his desk to retrieve his gloves once more, slipping them on. ❝Apparently I've still got some business to attend to. I'll come and find you after? ❞ Kaz felt almost nervous asking, but any other way he could think of to ask to see Yuki alone again sounded ... strange.

He knew he'd made a mistake as soon as Kaz tensed. The waters of panic rose quickly, cold and unforgiving -- but Yuki watched as his words seemed to stop the flood right before it consumed Kaz completely. As he pulled back to look at Kaz, he clutched Yuki's wrist to his chest, finding his pulse like a lifeline. And only then did the water start to retreat.

Of course he let Kaz hold onto the steady beat of his heart, let him press his forehead to Yuki's. He'd give Kaz anything he asked. But with a conscious effort, Yuki was suppressing his own panic, this gnawing guilt, knowing it could be felt through their connection. The last thing he wanted was to make Kaz feel guilty in turn, like he needed to take care of Yuki at a time like this. Still, it took everything in Yuki not to draw back behind his own walls in the name of protection. Kaz wasn't hiding, and neither would he.

His silence and patience paid off as Kaz began to explain, and Yuki felt himself relax slightly. He wasn't angry or throwing Yuki off. Kaz wasn't punishing him for a mistake, even if he had every right to, given the way Yuki had nearly sent him drowning in panic just a minute earlier. This was more than what he could've hoped for.

Kaz continued and Yuki listened. Memories, flashes. Of what? he wondered. Of who? Who could've done this to him? This was the first time Kaz had broached the topic since they'd met. But Yuki wouldn't push, especially not now.

"Okay," he said, as much of a reassurance as it was a promise. Though the apology threatened to leave his lips, he swallowed it. He knew it wasn't okay. Instead, Yuki asked, "What helps you, usually?"

His voice, his heartbeat had taken care of most of the damage, but Yuki could feel it lingering like a hungry animal, waiting for the chance to strike.

[thiefofcrows]

              ❝That's the trick,❞ Kaz rasped, a certain authoritative undercurrent that had only really begun to show as he'd gained knowledge, power and experience seeping into his tone. ❝You hit where the mark isn't looking — he's going to underestimate a gang like the Dregs, precisely because everyone knows Per Haskell is a washed up old man. Pekka Rollins isn't going to give us a second glance ... not until he's forced to his knees with a blade to his throat. Then ... it'll be too late.❞

       He couldn't deny that his pride had come to his defense at Tommy's words, but ... he didn't think it was exactly unfounded.

       ❝The way I handle Per Haskell is strategic and intentional — all of it is, but ... ❞ Kaz exhaled and clenched his jaw tightly, letting his gaze drop to his leather clad hands as he smoothed them over the silver crows head. ❝My mind is still stuck in the fucking mud, Tom. Every damn time I feel like I've finally managed to dig myself out, I always slip eventually.❞

       Kaz hadn't intended to use the softer, more intimate nickname, but with the admission, it had slipped out. Part of him hoped it would go unnoticed, but he knew better. Tommy was sharp, intelligent and experienced himself. In this kind of work, you had to be — it was deadly to miss such tiny details. He sighed and again, lifted his chin to meet Tommy's gaze once more. Almost tiredly, he added, ❝Does that answer your question? ❞

 Tommy remembered the story of Kaz and his brother. How it had led to Jordie joining the war in an attempt to recoup some of their lost money, and had subsequently ended in his own death. It had infuriated him then, and despite everything that had happened in the meantime, it still infuriated him now. They might not've been young children, but they had still been children, orphans, and taking advantage of them was a line even he wasn't willing to cross. 

 So he could understand the reasoning behind Kaz's actions. Why he had chosen the path he was currently walking down. And despite traveling that very same path, Tommy still thought it was the wrong one. For Kaz, it was. He deserved better, he always had. He was too smart, too kind, too— Tommy stopped himself and let out a sigh. 

 All of that was the past, he had to let it go.None of it mattered anymore. They were two men scarred by war, dedicating their lives to making someone pay. Nothing more.

 "I don't think the Dregs are right for you. You'll never become his equal groveling under someone like Per Haskell. He's a useless drunk, nothing more." Was this an invitation for Kaz to join the Peaky Blinders? No, he wouldn't go that far. Things had changed too much, and despite his buried feelings that seemed to be resurfacing, Tommy wasn't big enough of a fool to just invite him into his circle. But if Kaz had any intention of achieving his goal, he wasn't going to reach it with a dying gang. 

 "You need someone that plays to your strengths, not highlights your weaknesses."

[thiefofcrows]

[thiefofcrows]

my taste in fictional men is just the unstable, traumatized and dangerous ones who radiate strong "I'm not a bad dog. I'm a wounded and terrified dog who bites to survive" vibes honestly

[thiefofcrows]

tfw tumblr shadow bans you for *checks notes* open communication with your mutuals.

[thiefofcrows]

       Kaz couldn't have stopped the instinctive tensing of his muscles when Yuki kissed his bare skin if he'd wanted to. Distantly, he was vaguely aware of Yuki tensing in turn, aware of the burst of emotion it invoked across their connection, but ... he couldn't make sense of it as he began to feel the frigid chill of sea water enveloping him. The kiss was a soft, gentle thing, mercifully brief, and he was shamefully grateful when he offered reprieve by pulling away somewhat.

       His heart was pounding painfully in his chest and sickness twisted in his stomach. The sickly sweet smell of decay, Jordie's bloated fish-belly flesh beneath his bare hands, the cold that had soaked through Kaz's clothes and settled deep into his small, weakened body.

       The water was rising and Kaz was beginning to panic.

       Yuki's voice brought him back from the depths, slowed the waters accent and he exhaled, slow and shaky. He focused on the sound, anchored himself to it, willing the looming panic to ease. We could be safe. Kaz did not know safety well — it was a long ago faded memory that vanished into wisps of smoke in his grasp. He could only focus on the potential safety of this moment as his terror began to ease, as he felt the warmth of Yuki's body against his own, felt the rise and fall of his breathing. Alive, alive, alive.

       When Yuki pulled back and his arms slackened, Kaz once again reached for one of his arms as he met Yuki's gaze. He guided it down to rest against his chest once more and again he sought out the pulse that beat steadily against Yuki’s wrist. Relief swept through him in a wave as it soothed him further, kept him rooted to here and now. Kaz closed his eyes, focused on his breathing — and, tentatively, almost as if he were uncertain if it was still welcome, he softly leaned his forehead against Yuki's again.

       ❝Yes,❞ he rasped, the mix of relief and unsteadiness audible in his voice. Kaz wanted it to be true, he wanted it more than anything. As he opened his eyes, he saw and understood the questioning look in Yuki's eyes, began to fully comprehend the emotions that rolled through him. Concern, confusion, uncertainty. Given that Kaz had almost lost his grip on reality for a moment, he couldn't expect anything less of Yuki.

       His gaze drifted down, settling on the hand he held against his chest. Kaz focused on the pulse beneath his fingers. One-two. Three-four. Five-six. ❝If I can anticipate the touch, I can brace against the .... ❞ he hesitated, uncertain of what to call it. He'd never spoken about it out loud before. ❝Memories. Flashes. Just ... warn me first.❞

Kaz's voice was warm, eyes softer than he'd ever seen them. Yuki's smile became a little brighter as Kaz gently brushed his knuckles against his jaw, relieved by the absence of anxiety such a gesture might've caused before. Before Kaz earned Yuki's unquestioning loyalty, before they became linked to each other, before they realized what they'd truly wanted in wake of each other's absence.

Yuki wanted to be Kaz's safety, to give him that sigh of relief when everything stood against him. When his demons were persistent, unbearably loud in his mind. Kaz was already the person Yuki focused on, their connection alone often offering him comfort. But he wanted more. Yuki wanted to give his heart to Kaz and know he'd handle it with care. Selfishly, he wanted to be welcomed behind that wall, where no one else could see, and reveal that the weight he bore was heavy, no matter what his smile said.

For a moment, Kaz looked like he wanted to kiss him again, and Yuki's heart gave a thump against his ribs. But Kaz surprised him. He drew Yuki into a hug, his arms around his waist. Yuki's hands slid up Kaz's chest, his arms wrapping around the other's neck as he pressed into him, laying his head on his shoulder. When was the last time someone hugged him, truly? Left him room to move away but still held him close? Raito --

Yuki shut his eyes. He wouldn't think about him now, wouldn't let him ruin this. Not like he'd ruined everything else. Not like he tormented Yuki even in death.

Brought back to himself at Kaz's question, Yuki's eyes opened again and he nodded, his expression easing. "This is perfect," he assured the other. After a moment's hesitation, Yuki pressed a gentle, reassuring kiss to the crook of Kaz's neck.

"...We could be safe." His voice was soft, allowing Kaz some reprieve by pulling back slightly, redirecting his words from Kaz's exposed neck to his clothed shoulder. Safe like they've never been, two people who only knew how to be alone, starved for a kind touch. So familiar with those sleepless, restless, helpless nights.

Yuki lifted his head now, his arms giving some slack as he met Kaz's gaze. "Be there, protect each other," he continued, a corner of his lips lifting into a smile. "Whatever danger awaits, we’ll face it together, right?"