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7-31-24

i got diabetes. not surprising. my family has a history of it and i was almost 300lbs. im on metphormin now, and have gone low carb. I've lost 50lbs since my highest weight. i joined a gym recently, very recently. im trying to change for myself and show up for myself. it's hard because carbs are so delicious, but i dont wanna die, so.

im happy about my weight loss. im proud of myself. im happy with how i look now. i want to keep going. i want to make it to 199 pounds and feel what it's like to have a 1 in front of my weight. i can't remember the last time i weighed in the 100s.

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back on the weight loss grind. doing omad. im so hungry lmao

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2.28.23

i think my medication stopped working. i think it hasnt worked for a long time. i dont remember being so unmotivated and listless. i had drive. was that the energy or youth? i am going to be 30 soon. what do i have to show for it? it feels like nothing. nothing at all. im going to try and change medications and see if that helps.

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i gained so much weight i got gerd. i really feel so stupid. i need to lose weight bc im tired of throwing up all the time and having acid reflex.

i need to count calories but it makes my mental illness worse.

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It’s been forever. i graduated. im in a masters program. i am still fat lmao. i dont feel extreme hate that im fat. i spoke with a nutritionalist. i want to focus on eating food that will nourish me not lose weight. i may be fat forever. i have to be okay with tat. i can still change. my body will change. time changes everything for better, for worse. im just trying to survive. i always feel like im trying to keep myself above water. life is stressful, i never expected myself to make it this far. it took much longer than any of my peers. i try not to resent that. i am alive. i am living.

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my bff is having a mental breakdown and i literally dont know how to help.

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I have no time to do anything. My final semester is consuming me and every aspect of my life. All i do is eat sleep and work. I think about school when i wake up and when i go to sleep. Its so stressful and overwhelming.

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since my final semester of school started i havent been keeping up at all on my weight loss. very sad. i dont have the mental bandwidth do keep up with my assignments, work, and focus on my weight loss.

but i plan on continuing my higher education, so i have about 2 more years until im finally finished. so i dont know if there will ever be a good time. but its difficult for me to take care of myself as well as do everything else i need to do.

its exhausting. i dont want to let myself go (i already have and thats how i ended up where i am right now) but i dont have the capacity to manage my food intake. food is closely linked with my trauma so even thinking about food triggers my mental illnesses. it sucks ass.

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Bento supplies 😊

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ive been off my shit but i bought a lot of cute bento boxes and supplies for making cute bentos. i hope it will motivate me to count calories ect. its just hard to focus on weight loss when im back in class. i feel like im making excuses. i just need to commit myself. im getting back on the horse so to speak. its just so hard to stay in that head space and not get discouraged. im not even sure what triggered me to stop trying to lose weight but i just stopped. i dunno. im going to get back on it after the weekend, since weekends i hang out with my best friend and we eat poorly lol