thin-alien

[thin-alien]

Had kind of an epiphany today.

My mental health is probably so bad because I don’t eat enough. Well enough at least. When I do it’s mainly snacks and cup of noodles…

So I was resolved and went to the store with no money, bought stuff for an easy instant pot meal so I wouldn’t take up the kitchen (cause there are issues with my roommates) and am excited to put more effort into feeding my partner too.

However….I come out to get dinner done before partner gets home….and my roommate is taking up the entire kitchen. It was her day off. I opened and worked a full shift. She had all day and she waited!???

I never ever use the kitchen. I have like three times in the last month maybe. And now I’m fairly sure my partner is mad because he decided to make a few stops before coming home from work so I held off on cooking. So when he called again I told him to get himself something to eat for dinner, that I didn’t need anything, and that I’ll make the meal tomorrow. He didn’t sound happy.

Honestly I’m not happy either. I’m trying to do this for both of us and while yes roommate owns the house…we pay half the mortgage and I have zero money from just having to pay rent with 90% of my paycheck from last week…I’ll get paid again in two weeks and I only have so much.

Whatever. At least I bought a couple of apples?

I’m upset cause it was a really rough day at work with my manager and I had this resolve about food and cooking dinner more often regardless of roommate but I literally can’t do my one little meal because every surface and utensil is in use.

I was feeling SO GOOD when I got home. And now I feel shattered like I did this morning after the talk with my manager.

It’s like the world is telling me to just quit my job, end my relationship, and move back home because why bother with the suffering that my bf would rather endure for two more years.

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I haven’t been very okay. Which is why I haven’t been posting.

But like the point of me posting is to get the not okay part out of me. Doesn’t help.

Nothing does. I just wanna sit and cry.

Maybe I’m better off alone. I wish I didn’t fucking care about another human being. Like for real I’m tired of giving a shit and no reciprocation. From everyone just about.

I have one friend in life. Who lives in another state. That person might be the only person who will ever actually care that isn’t family. But I know one day months or years from now that person too will give up on me. Realize I’m not worth the time because I’m a lunatic.

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So I put the scale away last weekend because I deep cleaned the bathroom and also guests were coming over.

I last weighed in at 122. Which I was already mad about but yaknow decided to just let it be if I can stay there.

Pull out the scale today. 128. Excuse me? Wtf did I do and how?

Candy and tortilla chips actually. And a lot of ground beef.

So yea yaknow what comes next.

Thankfully I have plenty to do today so I can occupy myself instead of eating snacks and watching The OC.

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Is it bad that I prefer to be nude when I’m in our room Clothes feel weird and we both sleep nude so like idk. Seems weird but is it?

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No. No. No.

My brain and everything in me may be screaming at me to call out.

I can’t. I can’t call out simply because I want to socialize with everyone. I have to miss the birthday fun and I’m upset about it but I have to be responsible.

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I know I shouldn’t but I think I’m going to call out of work today.

I just got my period and also spent the entire night tossing and turning for no good reason. Same with my bf. I mean other than the dog needing to go out in the middle of the night we had no reason to sleep so badly.

Gah I just really hurt and feel like garbage and honestly don’t want to close. I’ve tried explaining that closing shifts mess with my medication but no one has listened and instead somehow I’ve gotten more closing shifts ugh.

I know I know I know o shouldn’t and I’ll kick myself the entire day over it but I just can’t mentally and physically handle work today. I just can’t.

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This morning work was great until I got irritated for no reason. Came home decent mood. Had some lunch and took a long nap (cause getting up at 3am means I can take a long nap dammit) and got up to go out and smoke a bowl with my bf. I was good for awhile. Then I got mad at nothing. Started crying for no reason (well he rolled his eyes cause I asked him to bring in the dog cause he was falling asleep) he thought I was mad so yeah I cried lol. Then we joke. I’m laughing. Then crying again explaining that I hate this. He brought the dog in with a joke (that was actually funny) he said to our dog “Tucker, hormones are crazy, go be an emotional support animal for your mama” which made me cry more but the dog did come up on the bed. But it was funny. Then I was fine and he fell asleep. Early but whatever I’ve spent two years trying to get used to him falling asleep at 8. Most times I’m kinda ready to sleep myself so I can’t complain. I just feel alone lmfao.

But yeah there’s my day in a nutshell. I’m getting my period and he’s thankfully mindful of why I’m being emotional for petty reasons.

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How I got lucky enough to have a partner who acknowledges that I’m crazy when I’m being crazy and going off for no reason, but also accepts that it’s how I am sometimes and doesn’t let it really stick with him? I’m mean and narcissistic and just so rapid mood crazy yaknow?

But last night I told him “yaknow I may be a narcissist but at least I know when to apologize for my actions and can admit that I’m in the wrong” he laughed and said “in the end I still love you”

I also yesterday just randomly asked if he considered me his best friend and no hesitation replied that I was and he could tell me anything and everything. That made my heart melt into a gooey puddle cause I’ve never had a bf that said I was their best friend. The feeling is mutual. I don’t know where I would be without him. He’s taught me so much and given me so much kindness throughout our time together. He’s allowed me to be me and learn from my mistakes but also challenges me to be my best self.

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I’m mad at everything.

Myself mostly.

I can’t just not overreact at nothing and it’s draining me mentally and it might ruin my relationship. The longest and best one I’ve had. Real love and I’m basically sabotaging it for literally no reason. My brain is attacking me and making me insecure about nothing.

And somehow sleep didn’t change my mood. Idk how today is going to be. I’m going to choose not to be upset and petty for zero reason. Whether my brain actually accepts it is the question.

Thankfully work is my happy place and where I feel good most times even if we get chaotic and my manager is the main problem the baristas are unhappy but yaknow whatever. Other than our manager the partners/shifts are all amazing and life is good if the manager isn’t on the floor 99% of the time.

My job isn’t just something I so enjoy, it helps keep me semi-sane which I am not right now. Could be that time of the month on its way. That would explain so much the last few days honestly. Hoping maybe I can explain that to him and apologize like I always do. He puts up with it all the time and I feel terrible about it but we are 2+ years in and he hasn’t left me so that’s a different thing. However if I continue this who knows how much longer it’ll last…

[thin-alien]

Finished that laundry before taking a long nap. Just got out of the shower.

Tummy has been feeling off all afternoon but whatever I should be fine. I probably just need to drink more water…

Going to throw on some cool clothes and head outside to sit under the shade, smoke weed, and read until my partner gets home from work.

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Okay so I keep proving to myself that I can in fact be productive and do it all in one go. Couple of hours and it’s done. I’ll need to put away the laundry but who actually does that?

Tidied our room, started laundry, went to the store, got coffee, came home and made the pasta salad for dinner, put in the other half of the laundry to wash, cleaned up after myself, and now it’s 10am and I have the rest of the day to myself. I should wash my hair today since it’s been just about a week since I last did so. But I may wait until afternoon when it’ll be hot and I’ll want the wet hair to keep me cool so I can chill outside for a bit.

For now though I’m going to eat some lunch and entertain myself with various things.

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Was hoping to sleep a little before getting the bedroom sorted and laundry done. But it sounds like bf has a half day cause of the heat. But I really hope his sister doesn’t come home early again and kick me out of the washer/dryer. She did last week cause she had to do laundry but she had the next day off so like I was mad. But whatever. I’ll just get it going and such.

Also have to go to the store when it opens so I can cook our dinner early and let it have the day to sit and meld together and get tasty.

Fuck if I’ll just do everything and then take a nap this afternoon as usual blaaaah

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Thinking I might take a nap.

I need to tidy up a little bit meh I’m not ready to yet and I have all day. At the same time if I get it done I can actually relax some which would be nice. I want to play my game and go through the million photos on my phone today at some point.

So maybe I’ll actually do some of the tidying and then chill. The important stuff that I don’t want to put off until tomorrow yaknow? Hahah.

[thin-alien]

I have a lot on my mind about a lot of little stuff about life. It’s not easy and trying to keep my independence and be happy at the same time come with a price that after over a year, I’m not sure is worth.

My living situation sucks. But WHERE I live is so great. Having quiet property and a place for my dog to roam as he needs is so nice and exactly what I want out of my life. However paying half the mortgage for my bfs brother and sister isn’t working because all we have is a tiny bedroom (very tiny) and a guest bathroom that will soon be shared by a toddler. I can’t use the kitchen so we either don’t eat, or live on snacks and what little fast food we have around. It’s not ideal and my partner and I both struggle to be okay with it. Because the things that are important to us are there. Family, property…it’s what we want for our own lives. But we aren’t ever going to achieve that living there because we are brokebrokebroke. Me more so than him but he pays the bulk of rent and I take care of a small portion and food for the two of us.

In all that unhappiness I have come to realize what all is important to me in life and in recent months has given me small goals to achieve more happiness and pleasure in my life.

I have a min wage job that I love and intend to make a career for myself. It’s not much money but the job itself is very rewarding and pleasurable to me that I’m okay with that. My partner has a slightly better paying job now that he also really enjoys. It’s what he enjoys as a hobby and now he does it everyday and still loves it. He found his happiness in work and so did I and neither of us is willing to give that up because of all the things it DOES afford us to do. Spend more time together, spend more time with family, and be happy in our workplace.

My last job was great pay and I absolutely loved that line of work. But working 6 days a week, 10hr shifts, left me no time to even relax. I spent 18hrs a day away from home cause it’s a long drive. And I gave that up because I had no time and other parts were getting frustrating. It just wasn’t right for me. Working as a barista is amazing and I do well with customers even though I’m really not sure I’ve ever *really* been a people person.

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I’m tired for zero reason. I slept decently.

Open shift and thankfully it’s a short shift. I want today to do simple chores so tomorrow when I’m off I only have to do the laundry and I can chill and do nothing spectacular.

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Ended up going and running some errands. Only to wish I hadn’t because bf said he wanted to go to the shop after work and wants me to pick him up. But heh I was just there ooops. Whatever it’ll be fine. Kinda defeats the fact that I got stuff for dinner and such but whatever. He needs some things so might as well.

I did get all the laundry done so there’s that at least.

Going to take a nap for like an hour and then get ready to go. My mood hasn’t improved so blah.

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Barely slept. It was too hot. And bf kept adjusting the AC. Turns out the “cold” knob was just a hair turned down cause when we got up I asked him to check that knob and of course the AC kicked in when he turned it the little bit it needed.

On top of the heat I kept having this terrible itch in my throat that I get except last night it just didn’t want to go away it was so annoying.

I have the day off and I’m hoping to A eat less and B go out and do something fun for myself. Go to a local park and hope bf isn’t working that one today so I can walk around and play Pokémon. Idk though. Maybe I’ll just play a computer game and sleep all day and not deal with anything in this world.

I also was pleasantly surprised to wake up mad already for no reason. Fucjing hormones jeez.