thingsiseehere

[thingsiseehere]

A friend told me this week I need to stop holding things in. I need to share things more. I feel bad.

I will delete this photo from my phone but I’m not ready to let it go.

Ok. So I am still depressed.

I’m going to put it in words- there are a lot of things I let out this week but there is so much more.

I was literally more in love with Warchief than I thought. That’s bad. That’s been so so bad for me. I won’t ever tell him and he will never feel the same and I don’t even want him. He’s 3000 miles away now, he doesn’t text, call, or write. So I need to leave it in the fucking past. I need to move past it. This is going to be my goal in therapy because it’s really messing with me.

I made bad decisions. I’m now 6 days clean and it feels good to be back on track. I spent a shit ton of money on magic cards but it’s better than snorting all my money away. I also made another bad decision that’s eating away at me. People are already finding out but all I can do is not care, it doesn’t matter. I will move past it.

I haven’t had a day this week where I didn’t think about dying. I loosely tried this week to do it, twice in fact, but then I realized dying is scary. So now I’m in the same place I always get where I’m too scared to die, but I also don’t want to live. The doctor’s visit and subsequently the hospital visit sucked.

Things that felt good this week:

Magic. Playing magic felt really good. Wins, losses, cracking packs, organizing, all of it. I really just threw myself in it this week.

My kids. Both were really good this week considering how low energy I am. They are perfect I love them

Having so many friends reach out, visit me, pick me up from the hospital, call me, text me, ask me if I’m okay, give me advice. Seriously so many, too many to count. I’m really loved and I felt it this week.

Brad has been really supportive and I’m happy about that because he married a fucking mess.

[thingsiseehere]

It’s a wrap

2019, my worst year ever, is coming to a close. And I am looking forward to planning my 2020. However, to do that I need to make peace with the pain and let go of the things that don’t serve me. Let’s just go from the top.

1. Warchief. Yeah, you. I left so many things unsaid and I’m sorry. Basically I fell so hard for you because I was in rough shape and I needed it. You taught me so much about myself, you treated my anxiety, you let me be with you. My marriage was crumbling and you filled a much needed void. I’m sorry I let myself obsess over you. In 2020, I hope we can be friends and I can keep my healthy boundaries. But the obsessive thoughts and playlists on repeat don’t serve me anymore. 11:11 wishes are for me only now.

2. The cocaine. I’ve been clean for 65 days. It was a rough time there that I didn’t see a way out of, until I finally just quit. I’m going to keep it that way because this next decade is about healthy coping mechanisms.

3. The misunderstanding. You confused me, and honestly I’m still kind of lost. I know I have a terrible problem equating emotional help with feelings. You helped me get over what I was going through and you listened to me everytime I wanted to end it all. I really enjoy your friendship, and I am glad I talked to you to figure out where we stand. I don’t know if it meant more and you didn’t want to say it, or if I blew every nuisanced thing up in my head. Either way, I’m letting it go. None of it matters. I spent way too much time thinking about it and I’d like to reclaim my headspace. You are still so cute and of course I’m always going to be crushing, I’ll just do it quietly from now on :p I want 2020 to be a year of healthy friendships, ones that make me feel uplifted and I think you’ve always been that regardless.

4. The rapist. I’m not going to call you anything else, you don’t deserve it. You are what you are. I reached out like an idiot to seek closure on that terrible situation and you just manipulated everything. That should have been expected and I blame me for even opening that door. But the closure I seek is only going to be found within me. So I’m letting it and you go. You will not be a trauma wound I keep open forever. I will listen to moonlight sonata and clocks and not think of you again when I do. I will enjoy these things without the thoughts of you. I know you’ll be around but I will not let it continue to destroy me.

5. My grief. I miss Brad’s mom, but I can’t bring her back. I need time to deal with it and really face the impact her death has made on my future. Same with my miscarriage, I haven’t dealt/coped with any of the feelings from these things but I don’t know how to dig them out. I’ll work on bringing it to the surface safely in an environment I trust so I can release the pain that is probably a diamond with how far I suppressed the emotions.

6. Magic: the gathering. You will be with me for the next year. I will focus harder than I ever have and I will keep track of my progress. No more complaining, no more procrastinating. I will continue to forge the path I made this year, distraction free.

7. My sex life: I will allow it to be as fun as I want. I will not let my own insecurities hold me back from what I want. Someone declining me will not effect my self esteem. I will let go of my traumas that have held me back from healthy interactions with other humans in the past. I will live a life that’s mine. I will attract others who have the same desires as my own. I move the stars for no one.

[thingsiseehere]

What I’ve learned about accidentally falling in love

It was January of this year (2017) when I first met him. He was really cool but really young. We both played magic and he was nice for no reason. Fast forward 2 months and we had been flirting and canoodling a bit.

I can’t explain what it was that made me fall. I do know I have a tendency to blow relationships out of proportion, but this felt different. He wasn’t my type- too young, too short, too attractive. But he was a white boy who played magic, and I guess that is my type. We took a trip to LA together for a huge magic tournament and that’s when things came to a head -so to speak. The remainder of our relationship would be non-sexual as I think we both realized we weren’t compatible that way.

His eyes were fucking beautiful. His smile melted me. But the best part was that he quickly became my ride or die. We did everything together. Hours hanging out playing magic, watching TV, going to the movies, dinner, doing laundry and homework together. Great friends. I was his pseudo-girlfriend. But there were so many problems.

For starters, he hated when people thought we were together. We had a fight not long before he left forever about it, and the truth came out. He didn’t want people to assume that he would date someone that looked like me. I didn’t care that he felt this way. I knew how vain he was and I was just his friend.

So many times in those 6 short months was I on the end of mistreatment. For all the fights and the insults we dealt to each other, we loved each other. We also reallllllyyyyy loved cocaine. Me more than him, but I would buy it and we would do line after line- sneaking between rounds at the local card shop to fucking rattle off game results and spin out. God damn I miss those nights. Sometimes- very very rarely- he would let me lay in his lap. He’d never tell a soul because he had a hard time being touchy-feels. But those nights he’d rub my eyebrows and ask me why they were so soft. We were so damn high and it made everything feel better.

I loved his hugs. He didn’t give them freely, but I remember one specific time when he was leaving to visit Florida for a week. He knew I was sad, and he gave me that hug for at least a minute. He didn’t know how to love. He guarded himself to avoid “catching feelings.” I did the same, but I’m fucking bad at it.

He moved away, really fucking far away, 32 days ago. I have spent that time going from OK to suicidal about it. He’s fine, but that’s hard because he’s fine-without me. But what is this pain doing for me? I’ve learned that I give love too freely. I’m so willing to accept any kind of love.

I’m ending this post here. I want to heal. It’s hard when I’ve spent 99.9% of the days since he left using coke to deal with it. I’m clean as of a bit ago and I’m going to keep it that way. A month long binge is tooo hard on my body

[thingsiseehere]

I need to get fucked. Jfc.