thingstobesaidnotheard - Tumblr blog

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

God

If I ever thought my sex drive was high before

I don’t know what id think of it now

Not only is my drive high

I’m highly sensitive

She gives me goose nips just from running her hands down my back or on my thighs

I don’t know how but her hands are like magic

So soft and warm, I melt in to putty in her hands

How could I not?

God she can drive a man crazy

The pleasure I get flooded by when she touches me is such a high I nearly feel intoxicated

I loose myself to impulse and instinct, I suddenly have no power over myself

I loose myself in her

And it’s the best feeling ever

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

03/27/21 @ 6:06pm

My “brain zaps” (a common withdrawal symptom from antidepressants and SSRIs) were one of the worst cases I’ve had this morning, and they are so intense I can hear them

I think listening to music helps with me getting tasks and chores done tho.

I still feel like a shit person. Mostly bc I am a shit person. Not opening messages and avoiding social interaction.

I should eat better

Also I have a wireless holter on, a medical device that monitors my heart, and I keep really wanting to itch it off

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

I’m coming off of an antidepressant/SSRI and a antipsychotic

I’m doing it safely guided by my doctor, I was on high doses on both of them. For lots of reasons medical and person I needed to come off them.

I was warned and informed that this would be a very hard task by my therapist and doctors.

My doctor is helping me taper off them safely. it’s been over a month since I started my journey tapering off these medications, and today marks day 5 being completely off lexapro.

I’m having a rough time

A really rough time.

I’ve been having a tough time just being in the tapering process, but I think being actually being off the medication is hitting me harder then I expected.

I’ve been experiencing most if not all of the expected side effects of coming off these meds, but it’s gotten so much more intense and I feel so out of control.

I hate the person I’ve become, I hate the person I am. I don’t want to be like this.

I feel so angry.

I think I’m mostly angry at myself and just take it out on anything or anyone close to me- which sucks because the person close to me is my girlfriend

Another side effect from coming off these meds is becoming more anti social. I wasn’t great at it to begin with. Now it’s 100x harder. Seems stupid that reading and responding to my family and friends is such a challenge. I feel so shitty for ignoring them and extremely anxious because of it too.

Feels like I’ve been doing nothing but take steps backwards.

Feels like all my hard work and effort in to being a better person has been

My home has never been organized, and I’ve been really trying to change that about myself in past months- but it’s like all that progress has been erased. I’m living in a depression nest and thus forcing my partner to living in it as well. Which in turn makes her mental health suffer.

I feel like I’m drowning, I can’t keep up with basic and simple habits and tasks. I can’t stop these intense mood swings and reacting like a toxic person. I can’t control my actions and words and it’s fucking everything up.

Ever since I was young I’ve always had the feeling I wasn’t meant to be with people. It always seemed like whenever I’m involved it makes things worse. I ruin relationships, I cause problems, make messes, I hurt people I love and care for without meaning to, I’m rude, I’m mean, I’m an asshole, and ultimately I feel like a huge burden on everyone’s lives. I always thought it would be better for me to be alone. Away from people. That way I can stop hurting people I care about.

But that’s the end of this vent.

I’m going to write more on here because I need to get all these things out of my head and off my chest. And it’s unfair to my girlfriend for me to force her to deal with all of my issues

I don’t want to be like this, I hate feeling and acting this way. So angry and sad and out of control

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

I’m frustrated

I’m exhausted

Constantly.

I know I have a lot of issues,

And I think I know what most of them are.

My ADHD, which I’ve had for basically my whole life but only recently diagnosed, is what I belive to be my biggest problem.

My mind feels like it’s going 100mph

I get ideas for literally everything around me

Ideas to change, fix, repair, improve, rearrange, better or plans for things

I can’t shut it up. And it’s nearly impossible for me to ignore.

I’ve gotten better at stopping myself when I realize that the task I’m currently working on is more than useless

Like ironing all my dollar bills because it’s satisfying but what I really should be doing is counting my money and paying my late bills

Or trying to find where I put the rest of my glue sticks even though I already have one in hand that I can use

Living with my girlfriend made me start to realize all the redundant tasks I do due to my ADHD

Standing in a room lost in thought because I can’t remember why the hell im in this room in the first place but I’m too stubborn to walk back and figure out why I first went in to the next room.

Constantly forgetting what I was doing impacts her as well,

She asks me to make her tea often, she likes the way I make it since I like making milk teas

So I start it and then brew it, then forget about it till she reminds me she’s still waiting for tea then I’m like oh shi- and have to re warm it up again

Or she asks me to cook lunch/dinner and I say I’ll do it after I’m done with what I’m working on- then hours pass and she asks me again if I’m still going to cook and I completely forgot

Or she sends me to the store to get one thing and I come back with everything but that

I’m so forgetful, and so irresponsible.

I work so hard mentally to keep up with eveyone else.

Even in simple conversations I have to ask “wait what?” “Can you repeat that?” People don’t understand that my brain has a hard time of deciding what’s important- if something is happening around me- other people talking, tv is on, I’m doing a project, ect my brain will involuntary switch it’s focus to the latter.

My brain can’t decipher what’s important and what’s not. And though I’ve gotten better- it’s still bad. I spent 2 hours making my own font- downloading software to make it and upswing other apps to create it- just because I didn’t like the fonts I had and wanted my labs to look hand written by me. No purpose, no importance.

I don’t know. But my life is compleate chaos, and I didn’t know it was till I was living with someone who isn’t use to chaos.

I don’t know but I lost track of what I wanted to say- how ironic.

How stupid

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

I’m sure that I’m not

I feel a lot of things constantly

I’m overly sensitive and yet as well overly insensitive to others around me

So I’m in constant feeling of intense emotions

My brain has a dysfunction that doesn’t help me with emotional regulations

It’s dumb and makes me feel very emotional for little to no reason then for big heavy issues it feels nothing

I feel very broken

I have so many voices in my head

Pieces of my “personality” fighting against each other for control of my body

“Be more empathetic... sociopath..”

“I don’t care. Seriously. I don’t- I just wanna.. ZzzZzzz...”

“Come on! Get up! Let’s do this! We can live life PERFECT all we need is to get up and get it!”

“Shut the fuck up- you sound like a fuckin moron, haven’t you learned anything?”

“Yeah, were a piece of shit human. Yeah... “

“Fuck it. Who cares- lets do it- lets k—“

“Silence. Quit you’re bitch ass whining- acting like you have life sooooo hard- ha, what more could I expect”

“Just. Live. I guess, survive, even if it hurts you can’t pussy out, you have to experience all of it. It’s what you deserve.”

I sound insane.

I sounds stupid.

And that’s just what I am.

A hypocritical sociopathic Douche bag.

I don’t know how I have friends or had them in the past

I don’t know how I didn’t kill my pathedic little shit soul I was

Just letting mistakes live longer and longer just gives them more time to make a big mess to make for everyone else ha to clean up.

And honestly I’m probably most likely being manipulative writing this- and just bc I’m acknowledging it doesn’t mean I’m saying it’s in any way justified- I’m just being real.

So I’m even more shitty for continuing to write this and I will post it. Not that I think anyone will read this or find this but to hide this thoughts from close ones in my life.

I often fuck it up because of things I say- or rather say wrong.

Haha, I’m an actual

Idiot

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

I’m so tired.

Such an easy statement.

Even, over used you could say

Being tired can mean so many different things

But I only know what it really means for me- how it really feels for me

It’s an ache, and it makes me feel like I’m going through withdrawals or getting sick

I’m constantly reaching for rest and sleep but it’s constantly out of grasp

Feeling like it’s been an eternity running on 1%

Pleading to be recharged or to just die

Not working properly, just barely working, going to brake soon...

It sucks feeling so tired and exhausted. Everything feels like so much effort, it feels so physically taxing. Like tying my shoes before I head out to work- it feels like it’s taking all my effort to roll on my socks and slip my feet inside my shoes and lift and tie the laces. Like it would be so much easier to stare at my shoes till I’m far to late. No call no show. Fired. Stay home till you run out of food. Starve and die. How it would be so easy to just die. So stop trying to hard and let thing go.

I’m so tired. I feel so drained

I feel so sad

So depressed

I’m having those thoughts again about ending it

Ending my life

I most likely won’t.

I’ve had these thoughts for so long and so often yet I’m too much of a pussy to do it

How pathetic

Whatever point is

My troubles always end up hurting others and burdening there life

This is why care and love should be avoided. It’s dangerous and it’s overwhelming and over rated . I just want to live alone care about mother and die how I die. Live a completely meaningless life.

I’m just a shitty person

Taking easy way outs

Making shitty excuses for my failures

Always disappointing everyone in my life

Some people are just inherently shitty. Because they choose to be

I’m choosing to be, thus I am shitty.

Doesn’t that make me shittyer and shittyer

It would be nicer if I was never born. Or I died.

God I really hate life.

I really hate myself

I really want to kill myself

But don’t worry I’m just shitty and pathetic so I’m going to keep living

Great

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

Love.

Something so crazy, intense, overwhelming, humbling, warm, cozy and just the best part of living.

Sounds ultra gushy and cheesy, but when you feel it you don’t care how dumb and silly it sounds because it really is the most amazing feeling to feel.

God,

I just don’t think there is any other words that could describe my feelings for her, I mean like one word. Because I could write pages soon pages even books all the thing I exactly feel for her, but in the simplest and all encapsulating definition for it is: Love.

I really hope she stays for a while.

I want to learn more about her each day

Listen to all her story’s about ten years ago to last nights dream

I wanna she her facial expressions when she eats something I cooked or opening a present I got for her

I wanna hold her close and tight and smell the top of her head as I drift off to sleep

I wanna laugh and smile so hard and for so long it starts to ache

I wanna spend all my time with you and for you

I wanna find new interests with you

I wanna find your interests

I want to grow and change with you, I want to be there for you anytime you need

I want to become better and better each day

I want to make you as happy as you possibly can

I just want a life with you.

It’s crazy to imagine life without you,

I mean I could

But it seems bland and colorless

With you it seems like never ending choices and adventures, ambition and passion for life, energy in your core that overfills you.

This is the life I want. I want it with you.

I want to go through life with you. The fun adventures to life’s loses and brutal beat downs. I want to feel all my feelings with you, I want to show you all the ways you could hurt me trusting you to never do it as you do the same for me. Being my absolute truest self with you and admiring and adoring yours.

It’s such an unbelievable experience that when our emotions and feelings are so intense and overwhelming we feel them physically

Usually heartbreak comes to mind,

But I’m talking about that light, warm fluttery fuzzy feeling you get when you cuddle with them, feeling just perfect. Or having there hands around you and feeling there touch just feels like electricity flowing through your body feeling happy little sparkles. Or when you kiss and feel like you are melting and wishing this feeling of soft, hot and sweet kisses would last forever, almost making it impossible to stop.

Once you get more it can be so addictive. A crave you can never forget, but can be easily overwhelmed.

I think maybe I’m just some gushy, sappy, hopeless romantic. Call me cheesy and childish, because-

Well honestly, it doesn’t matter if your right and that’s true, I would be all those things and more, I wouldn’t care,

So long as I keep feeling this way.

It’s honestly the best.

I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

Surroundings

I hate feeling this way

I hate that I sometimes allow people to see

I hate how annoying I am because of my depression

I know it’s annoying

I hear it, I see it

I accidentally ignore friends on social media because I can’t keep health conversations going

I hate making plans and hanging out with friends because I know I’m just burdening then with my sadness because I hate being interactive and it drains my energy so fast

I hate how people need me, because all I do is let them down

I hate being depended on because I know I’ll disappoint them

I hate that I like being alone, I hate that I always feel tired and I’d rather sleep

I hate that I’m okay with sleeping all day

I hate that I see everything around me but I don’t engage in life

I hate being so trapped in my head

I wish I could just laugh at there jokes and hang out for hours and not care. To be able to just say “yes” to plans and just get ready and go.

I feel so pathetic. So useless. Feel like such a burden to everyone.

If I’m going to keep living this life I need to get better at hiding this way I feel, so I don’t have to annoy people with it.

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

Stupid.

I’m stupid.

Whatever synonym you want to use of that word

That’s what I am

People tell me that I’m actually not, people tell me I’m just not trying, I’m not applying myself, that I just need meds, etc etc.

But they don’t realize I am trying..

I’m trying a lot harder then I’d like to admit

I take hours to complete tasks that others take only 30 minutes to accomplish

And still, I am so many mistakes, and most of the time I fail the assignment

I’m diagnosed with ADHD. Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

Yeah I could just blame my failures on my disorder, but logically I know

I know that I’m the failure.

DSM-5 just describes how I arrive at all my failures. It’s not an excuse.

I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster just going down, down, down, down until it stops.

Life is too overwhelming

Life is too much

I’m too weak, I’m not capable of keeping up with life’s expectations

I disappoint everyone

Myself

My family

My friends

My work

My education

I really don’t think I was meant for this life

I am failing this life

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

Happiness with Meds

It’s always so hard to decipher

Am I sad or am I happy?

That’s usually an easy question

They are completely opposite emotions

But I can’t tell,

I can’t tell if my emotions are real

If my heart is authentically feeling

Or is it my meds

Or is it the fact I missed doses

I accidentally missed my meds for days

And I found my self standing on a stool looking down at my dirty carpeted floor with a cord tied as a noose around my neck

Emotions are cold

My thoughts are loud

Life seems crystal clear

It seems that I finally found the answer

I’m so impatient, just want to see the ending

Weeks and months later on my meds

I can breath without it feeling like it’s socfocating me

I’m at the doctors office circling numbers on a clip board

They tell me I’m doing better

I tell them I feel better

Life seems normal, seems neutral.

What is real?

Is my happiness real?

Are my suicidal plans justified?

Maybe I’m just stupid.

Human life is so complex

Because the simplicity is too much to accept

We are all just living useless unnecessary lives until our time is up.

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

Depression

I have depression

I don’t have depression

I feel depressed

I don’t feel depressed

I mean yeah the doctor said I have major depression

But all I feel is just sad most the time

Depression sounds like it’s this big deal

But it doesn’t feel like a big deal

It feels normal,

It feels like how everyone else I can imagine feels

I mean doesn’t everyone think

Living is so hard, I should die

I’m a shit person, I don’t deserve love

I don’t deserve happiness

I should be alone

Everyone has self hatred.

I don’t know

But these pills I have to take don’t make me feel happy

I forget to take them

I take them

I just wanna keep taking more and more pills

What is the feeling that I should be feeling?

Why can’t I understand

Maybe I do understand and other don’t

Maybe I don’t understand and everyone else does

All I know is I’m so broken

I’m so shitty

I feel like I’m going no where doing nothing

I hate myself

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

Life’s hard.

Life is hard

Simply said

Easily related

But why exactly is my life hard?

My life is hard for no reason

No real reason

Her just wants to be an asshole

To make our lives hard

To make our hearts ache

Our eyes cry

She tournaments us so because of one thing

My love and I are both born female

And we love eachother more than anything else

We are gay.

But why is that a reason to hate us

Why is that a reason to stop us from seeing eachother

Why is that a reason to torture us

I’ve tried my best to be overly kind and respectful towards her mother

But she took it as inappropriate and blocked my number

She won’t talk to me

She outed her daughter and then refuses to even acknowledge that we are dating

She hates and punishes us for no reason

My life is hard because of her

And I have no control over it right now

I can’t stop her

I can’t do anything

And that’s what hurts the most

I just have to accept this undeserved pain

Why

I just-

Fuck you.

Fuck you Heather.

You are the worst excuse for a mother.

Wish you had guts to talk to me.

Wish I could give you a piece of my mind.

You are so pathetic.

Beating down people who can’t run.

Fuck you.

Hope one day your karma kills you

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

Fade

Death is so extreme

It’s something to cry about

It’s something to joke about

“I want to die”

Can be a joke

Can be a plead for help

Can be both

I don’t wish to die

I fear of the impact it would bring

How it might impact others

I don’t care much for myself

But i don’t want to bring others more pain

I wish to just fade out of existence

Fade out of people’s thoughts and memories

Just slowly stop existing without anyone noticing

So I can stop effecting people’s lives

I’m tired of being wrong

I’m tired of hurting people

I’m tired of caring and it not showing

I’m tired of trying and it goes wrong

I’m tired of my existence

I don’t want to re do it or re make it

I just want it to stop

I want to fade out and be forgotten

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

Pitty party

When I feel sad or hurt

I’m useually aware that I’m the cause of it

I know I do things wrong

I say the wrong things

I put myself in this position

This situation

These feelings of unhappiness

I know I’m the one to be blamed

I know I’m at fault

So I accept it as a punishment

And dwell in my painful emotions

I know with each wrong thing I do

I’m slowly throwing away myself

Watching it go down the drain

Watching it turn meanless

Watching it turn to colors of gray

But I don’t stop it

It’s what I have done

It’s what I deserve

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

Alone

Useually alone is a sad feelings

A dark feeling

An unwanted feeling

But for me that isn’t true

I want to be alone

Without people

It’s not like I don’t like people or hate being with them

I enjoy socializing and having relationships

But all I seem to do it hurt people

It’s what I’m best at I suppose

Or rather what I don’t know how to stop myself from doing

I hurt everyone I love and care for

And not is tiny mistaken ways

I hurt them deeply

And they may forgive me

But I know I’ll just do it again

I try warning people- the people who says they love me and want me

I want them too

But I just end up hurting them

I make them cry

I put them in pain

And I just don’t know what to do

I don’t know what to say

Because when I try it ends up getting worse

Even when it gets better

It will just happen again

I’m a horrible person

A toxic person.

I deserve to be alone

I want to be alone

I want to stop hurting these people

I want to stop being a burden in there lives

I don’t want people to love me

I don’t want people to get attached to me

Because all I will do for them is let them down and break there heart

I want to be alone

Please

Leave me alone...

[thingstobesaidnotheard]

I don’t know

Like most people

I don’t know

I like to seem like I know

And maybe I know a little

But I just

Don’t know

I don’t know how to explain these feelings I feel

I don’t know how to understand the feelings other people feel

I don’t know how to confort people when I have hurt them

I don’t know how to stop myself from hurting others

I don’t know how to answer the question “what’s the point in living?”

Because I don’t know

I’m so lost

I feel like I do everything wrong due to my lack of knowledge

So I just give up.

This isn’t poetic

Or even we’ll writen

It’s just my feelings and thoughts that no one asked for

I’m sorry because

I just don’t know